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#829322 06/03/04 01:21 PM
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JT2's update site

#829323 06/03/04 02:42 PM
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Hi,

Thanks for the update site. I was very angry this morning and I just don't know where to start. I will keep posting for I have no one else to talk to, and you girls have become my lifeline! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I only know that I can not live like this any longer. I have called the Dr. and go next week for some AD's. I can not even think ratonally. This has totally consumed my life. All I do is think about it and how I can not breathe without worrying about it. I feel as though my marriage is over and there really is no hope of reconciling. I see no future. I am repeating bad behavior and each time it gets more aggressive than before. My kids do not need to be involved in this type of behavior.

I do not want to see H or even talk to him anymore, I have to find some peace or this will destroy any thought of happiness. I am beginning to realize that maybe I am obsessed with him instead of being in love with him. I don't know just to hurt. I think I broke my thumb last night during my rage.

I am out of control! I feel so desperate! I feel so alone! I want him to be witout me , but I can not afford to pay the bills alone. I am tired of him being able to just walk into our lives whenever. It only increaswes my anger because we have no real knowledge of where he is living. I don't even know if it is with OW. He has told me that he was not seeing her before and it was all a lie. I just don't know, but I am tired of being the patsy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I feel so STUPID for ever believing that I could be HAPPY in this M! I am now insecure and untrusting, volitile, and ashamed of who I am and our M. I am not satisfied with any aspect of my life right now.

H came from nothing and I have given him everything and recieved a slap in the face. My kids have been my only blessing in this whole thing.

I don't mean to ramble so I'm going to go now.

BYE <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JT

#829324 06/03/04 03:06 PM
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Ramble if you must, get it out, that is what we are here for.

I really don't know what to tell you, it sounds as if you can't plan b right now unless you legally separate for financial reasons? If so then maybe it is best you do, you are only killing the love you & H have for each other by fighting w/ him verbally or otherwise.

Right now it sounds as if you need to focus on you & controlling your anger & other emotions, I doubt you are obessessed w/ H you just love him & there is no shame in that but to perserve that love & any change of saving your M it sounds like right now you need to concentrate on you first, your kids second & be away from H for awhile.

Take care of you.

#829325 06/03/04 03:38 PM
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Thanks alot,

But H will not go away. H will not leave us alone. I don't know if he's sfraid if I leave or wake up from this then I'll be gone or what. I don't want you to forget that we have a 1 & 2 yr old. They want to see their father everyday and need him a great deal as well at this point. I don't want to take that away from them.

We own a business together that I am very much involved with and have to be in order to control the money involved. So there are so many other ways we are linked til it draining sometimes.

I think that when he comes to see the kids I am going to start leaving the house. I don't want to participate in any family outings or anything anymore. I don't want to play family or play happy when I'm not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I don't know anything else to do. I have to get control of myself but nothing seems to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

JT

#829326 06/03/04 03:45 PM
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Ramble on honey!!! We are here listening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm glad you are going to the dr. You will feel better when you do. I hate you H is being the way he is. But like I said don't talk to him about it right now if you get this angry. Its not good for you. And just think if he uses it against you if you do D and he acts like an a$$ and tries to get C of your C. I don't know, but if they are angry too and attorneys tend to blow stuff like that up!!! Don't do anything he can use against you PLEASE. I know everything my H did my attorney did. She took him doing anything and mad it look bad. Thats what they do for a living. And remember don't file for D just because your mad and angry. Seperate, calm down and think about the big picture. What do you want for your future and your childrens. I said a prayer for you and I hope God lifts your anger and hugs your heart for your pain.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> SUNNY

#829327 06/04/04 11:14 AM
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Every one has their own way of dealing & healing. Take your time. Yes, I think you should leave when H comes to visit the kids. Let yourself be away from the stress, tension and the triggers that provoke.

I think, if the Dr. gives you the proper medication, you will be able to be more self controlled and it will help.

What are you so ashamed about? You did not do this. H chose this, it is in no way a reflection of your character but H lack of it.

Why won't H tell you where he is staying? What is up w/ that? What are his reasons for not telling you?

Have you 2 started M counseling yet?

Yes, you may need to do some changing but H does need to change too. It was HIS lack of character that started the A not yours!

What are you being so hard on yourself about?

#829328 06/04/04 11:59 AM
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Hi JT,

If your husband will not leave you alone can you get a restraining order. He could get his own place and see kids on weekends. I had to get a restraining order against my second husband but then this man has physically abused me. I had a third party deliver the kids to him. My kids love their dad too. I could not take that away from them even though I cannot stand the man. But you love your husband so you are in a very hard spot and I feel for you. I do not think I would want him in my home without me. Why can't he get his own place where he can see his kids if you do not want him around since he seems to just drop in as he pleases. Nobody shoud be expected to live like that. He is stopping you from having a life. He is not there for you supporting you yet just drops in when he feels like it disrupting your sense of peace and order.

#829329 06/04/04 01:59 PM
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JT2~

Hang in there! I think you will feel a better when on meds. and you will be calmer which will help the situation. If you can't control anger etc. right now then it is probably better to minimize contact because it sounds like you your behaviour right now isn't helpful and I'm w/KT it isn't all you--It's him too.

((((HUGS))))

#829330 06/07/04 11:34 AM
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HI GIRLS,

I'VE HAD A BUSY WEEKEND SO I HAVE NOT BEEN ON THE SITE.

GENIA - I HEAR WHAT YOU AR SAYING BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE MISUNDERSTANDING HE IS NOT LIVING WITH US RIGHT NOW BUT HE PROVIDES FOR US. H PAYS THE BILS AND HELPS AND SUPPORTS THE CHILDREN. HE BUYS THE GROCERIES TAKES CARE OF WHAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF AROUND THE HOUSE- CUTS THE GRASS, ETC.

KT - MI DO NEED TO SEPERATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SOME. I HAVE DECIDED TO GO TO THE STORE OR SUCH WHEN HE COMES OVER TO SEE US. HE CLAIMS THAT HE IS THERE TO SEE ALL OF US BUT I MAKE IT HARD WITH ALL OF THE ARGUING AND FIGHTING.
I AM INCLINED TO AGREE BUT THAT IS MY WAY I THINK OF GETTING MY FEELINGS OUT WHICH OF COURSE IS NOT THE RIGHT WAY. I MUST LEARN TO CONTROL MY ANGER AND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS SITUATION. I HAVE DECIDED TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE WHEN HE COMES TO KEEP MY COOL.

I WANT TO JUST HAVE SOME PEACE IN MY LIFE AND I AM NOT GETTING IT. I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN TO KEEP SEEING ME UNHAPPY. I DON'T WANT HIM TO KEEP SEEING ME UNHAPPY. I NEED TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY AND THAT'S WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

H LOST HIS WEDDING RING OVER A YEAR AGO AND HAS NOT REPLACED IT, AND WHEN I MENTION IT HE JUST SAYS HE'LL GET ONE LATER. I HAVE DECIDED TO SELL MY SET. I WILL NO LONGER BE WEARING A RING THAT DOES NOT SYMBOLIZE ANYTHING. BESIDES I AM THE ONLY WEARING ONE SHOWING THAT I AM IN THIS ALONE I GUESS. SO WHY WEAR IF IT MEANS SO LITTLE TO HIM.

I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE. I AM ALMOST INCLINED TO GO AN START DATING AGAIN AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!

TO STRESSED,BUT NOT CLEAR ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. JUST WANT TO BE FREE OF IT ALL.


JT

#829331 06/08/04 12:40 AM
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JT2 your doc appointment is this week right? I know how just disappearing sound so good. But H needs to see you as the independant, loving, caring, person he M! Even thought they broke the promise, keep your ring! Change it. I have a round dia, in a ring guard. Took and bought me my birth stone and wore it on my left w/ guard and sol. by itself! Oh H hit the roof when he saw that. He was more upset over that than my change in clothes. LOL. But I did for me and my kids. Yes I changed my hair, my clothes, I wanted to be a different person. One who cared about people again, cared about me again. Me and my kids had fun, no more fighting every night,ect. We took mini vac. Didn't go our of town, stayed intown went to Hotel, w/ pool and just spent the night & day! Of course girls like that kind of stuff. We showed H we had a life w/o him and we could make it good and on our own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He saw that I was tring to get back my old "self". Not for him, for ME! I missed her! She was fun, happy, and just went for stuff. Don't worry about tomorrow, don't know if I would even be here, so live everyday like its you last one! Thats what I'm tring to do. Some days I prayed it would be my last, but thankful he gave me another day to live w/ the ones I love. This situation is so hard and its not my place to ask him why, I just ask him to help me though what I am facing. And have to tell the devil get out of my head everyday!! And I have been so bad since thursday, but hopfully this week will be better. Yours too!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

#829332 06/08/04 12:48 AM
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SUNNY,

THANKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

#829333 06/07/04 01:08 PM
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Hi JT2,

I hate to say this but I think I understand a little of what is going on. I think your husband is doing this stuff for you to maintain some sort of control. My ex husband would do things for me so he could make me feel like I owed him. I do not want to owe him nothing and I do not want him to have any control over my life. No matter what he does for me he can never have me back. when my current husband was away, a neighbor cut my grass. I went over to pay the neighbor. The neighbor told me I did not have to pay him. I told my ex husband about the incident. He said he paid the neighbor to cut the grass. I seen it as an attempt to make himself look good hopeing I might go back to him. Anyhow I am glad you are showing your husband you can be happy without him.

#829334 06/07/04 02:50 PM
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JT2~

You can do this and meds. will help you I believe. Focus on you and being happy--H doesn't want to be around someone who is unhappy although we know they caused a lot of the unhappiness. Your H may be afraid that by watching your behaviour lately, that you can't handle this situation and you need to prove that you can and that you are the bigger person.

Trust me I have been where you are and it will begin to get better and the anger will begin to lessen. Have faith. I actually told me H last night that I haven't been able to figure out why I can't just have a normal life like others and then I told him that I came to believe this was what was in store for me and that is because I and we could handle this. I have stopped with the why me stuff--it was a huge stage of all this though.

You can do this JT2. I'm thinking of you.

#829335 06/07/04 03:24 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can do this and meds. will help you I believe. Focus on you and being happy--H doesn't want to be around someone who is unhappy although we know they caused a lot of the unhappiness. Your H may be afraid that by watching your behaviour lately, that you can't handle this situation and you need to prove that you can and that you are the bigger person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT,

I totally agree with Albany start working on you right now & your anger issues, until you get a handle on that you will be no good to anyone, especially your kids. Take yourself out of the equation for a while, go away when he comes to visit, maybe you can find a way to not be so dependent on him financially? Just a thought.

Keep praying girl, if this gets to be too much for you remember God always provides a way of escape.

#829336 06/09/04 12:13 AM
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THANKS GIRLS,

I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR FROM EACH OF YOU. ALBANY YOU ARE SO RIGHT I THINK H WANTS ME TO GAIN CONTROL OF MY ISSUES. H SAID YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ANGER ISSUES AND HE DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT. I ALSO ASKED WHEN OW WAS DUE AND HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT KNOW - WHICH IS PROBABLY THE TRUTH. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH THE TV ON - AND THERE WAS A PASTOR TEACHING ON LOVE.

THE THING THAT STUCK OUT WAS THAT HE STATED THAT YOU MUST HAVE A FORGIVING SIRIT JUST AS GOD DOES. IF YOU CLAIM YOU LOVE SOMEONE THEN YOU MUST HAVE AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR THEM AND A FORGIVING SPIRIT. I DON'T THINK THAT I HAVE A FORGIVING SPIRIT AND I TEND TO HOLD THINGS OVER PEOPLE WHICH I KNOW IS WRONG BUT I THINK I DO IT AS A WAY OF CONTROL.

I GET SO ANGRY WHEN MY H IS NOT DOING WHAT I THINK HE SHOULD DO OR WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO. IS THAT RIGHT? NO! INEED TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE HIM AND GET PAST THIS ANGER THAT IS BOILING INSIDE OF ME. THE PASTOR SAID IF YOU CAN NOT HAVE A FORGIVING SIRIT LIKE THE LORD THEN HOW DO YOU THINK HE IS GOING TO HEAL YOUR PAIN?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I AM AGONIZING OVER THIS SO MUCH. I HAVE NOT LET THE LORD TAKE CONTROL. I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON MANY OCCASIONS, BUT HAVE YET TO DO IT. I MUST GET BACK IN THE CHURCH WITH A VIGOR, AND REESTABLISH MYSELF WITH THE FAITH THAT GOD WILL PROVIDE, AND TAKE OF ME AND MY FAMILY.

I NEED LOTS OF PRAYER AND GUIDANCE SO PLEASE KEEP ENCOURAGING ME I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO!

JT

#829337 06/08/04 01:08 PM
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JT2 I'm so glad you are feeling better. Like I told you. You will have some really bad days and them some really good days. Eventually the bad will out number the bad!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So just get past the bad ones and hold on to the good ones! And the very best ones always cherish! When is you dr appointment!! You haven't said yet. You really need to get the meds. I still need mine and when I come off of them I notice me getting angry again on the smallest thing. So I get to take them for a while longer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> One day I will not need them, but for now, it helps me get though all of it everyday. This situation is w/ you everyday ! Its not something that happens and goes on? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Maybe the "oldies" can let us know how and when you stop thinking about it daily.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

#829338 06/08/04 01:24 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MAYBE THAT'S WHY I AM AGONIZING OVER THIS SO MUCH. I HAVE NOT LET THE LORD TAKE CONTROL. I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON MANY OCCASIONS, BUT HAVE YET TO DO IT. I MUST GET BACK IN THE CHURCH WITH A VIGOR, AND REESTABLISH MYSELF WITH THE FAITH THAT GOD WILL PROVIDE, AND TAKE OF ME AND MY FAMILY. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is absolutely what you have to do, me too. It is really hard, I have not fully grasped this concept & have been having a really bad time too.
Getting back into the word of God is exactly what you need & learing to let him fight your battles.

I am praying for you.

#829339 06/08/04 05:02 PM
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THANKS, GIRLS

JT

#829340 06/08/04 06:30 PM
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JT - Definitely check out the websites BG suggests. She suggested them to me when I was going through a rough time (one of many). They have some wonderful devotions and it is just amazing how they fit our situation so well. There are so many days that I am feeling hopeless and these websites have helped pull me out of it. Thanks BG for sharing again.

I definitely think turning it over to God is the only way to get through an ordeal like this - no matter what the outcome.

Just last night I was walking with my neighbor. She obviously knew my H was not living at home, but asked why. I calmly told her everything that has happened over the last 6 months (except for OC) and she just couldn't believe it. She was just dumbfounded how calm and strong I appeared and couldn't believe I was handling it so well. It is all because of God - and that is what I told her. Believe me I still have my moments, but when I do, I say a prayer or something happens that reminds me to turn it over to God. I sit back and look and I am just amazed the people God has blessed me with to help me stay strong. All of you here are my biggest blessing, but I have a co worker that has gone through her H's A for 10 years. She has been a tremendous help. She truly understands what I am going through and why it is not so easy to walk away. I hate my job, but I truly believe that the reason I am still there is so Judi can help me through this. My friends and family have just been awesome also. I am scared about the day I have to tell them about OC. I figure when the time is right, God will help me through that also.

I also draw hope from the promise that God will bring happier times to my life once I have weathered this storm. Stand strong by your faith. I believe that we are saving so much more than our M's. We are saving our H's and hopefully showing our friends and family through our actions the meaning of forgiveness. That is my hope that my M will survive and that my H and I can show by example how God has changed us and lead us back down the right path. I just believe that there is a purpose to all this - as painful as it all has been - I truly believe God intends for me to grow through this experience. Hopefully God and I can reach my H also - I definitely can't do that alone.

Stand strong and firm in your faith. When you feel angry, turn to God in prayer instead of yelling at your H. You can do it and we are all here to support you.

#829341 06/09/04 08:50 AM
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Hi JT2,

I have not been following your story too close. At first I thought you didn't want your husband around you. Now I understand that you do want it to work. I have my husband with me still. I was jealous when I found out he was in affair. I was also sad and angry that he cheated on me. I am now angry because he does not try to meet my affection needs. I do not know if I did the right thing but I wrote him a letter stating that I am angry because you would not sit beside me last night. I then drew a line and put Things I like. I mentioned stuff that would fill my needs for affection. What will it take to wake him up. Last night I told him, "You say you are in love with me, but you don't show it. More like you love me and I am just your funk partner." He told me that made him angry. We went to bed angry. No cuddling in bed no nothing. I did not kiss him this morning when I left.

#829342 06/10/04 12:03 AM
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hi all,

how's everyone this morning. I am feeling a little better this morning. Not about the situation but about myself. I am going away for the weekend with some friends. No KIDS! I need the break. The kids are stayiong home with daddy. Yes he is keeping them at our home this weekend. It should be fun - I wish I could be a fly on the wall.

I have not given my H the information on where I will be - I do not feel that I am going to. I don't know what hotel he is staying in every night. I don't feel it is necessary to give him that information. Am I wrong? If he needs me he can contact me by cell phone. If something is wrong with the kids he can contact me at any time. I want him to feel not to know exactly where I am and what I am doing. It is going to worry the Heck out of him because I also don't have the kids with me. So he knows that I will be having uninterupted fun without him.

I normally call several times when he has the kids to check up on them and he does the same when he has them. But not this time. I am going to make sure I check on them when he's at work and they are with my aunt, but not in the evenings when he picks them up. I wonder if he'll like that I think not!!

Am I wrong?

JT

#829343 06/10/04 12:17 AM
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Hi JT2,

I do not feel you are wrong. He has your cell phone number if he needs something.

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

#829344 06/10/04 12:31 AM
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Go for it JT2!

Have a great time and don't worry about giving him info.--he your cell # which gives him a way to reach you in an emergency situation.

I think that this will be good for both of you and really good for you and might open H's eyes a bit.

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JT,

I don't think he needs to know where you are going, as long as he can reach you in case of er, that is good enough.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend away, try to put all this mess out of you mind, enjoy yourself, I am sure you need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Thanks girls,

This is going to be a great weekend. H is going to freak out. He has never ever been alone with the kids for more than two hours. He has no idea the things that i have to go trough with two toddlers. I wish I could be a fly on the wall - during feedings and baths and playtime.

JT

#829347 06/09/04 03:49 PM
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Oh yea, he is going to see what you really do!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Always like it when they get a reality check. Go and enjoy yourself. Tell your kids and H that you love them, will miss them and just go !! H has cell number and if it doesn't work there then give you one of the girls w/ you cell. Have a blast where ever you are going!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

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Thanks Sunny,

I forgot to say where we are going. WE are checking into a spa for the weekend. Getting pmapwered and going out and just having the time of our lives. This is my best friend and she'll be moving to DC in a couple of weeks so this is a see ya later type of trip for us. We will get the royal treatment for one whole weekend and love it.

He'll try not to call me but i know my son will want to talk to me on a regular basis - he already does. He has already dropped hints about getting the name and number to the center where we'll be - but that's out I'm not going to be available to him in that way.

JT

#829349 06/10/04 10:41 AM
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This will be really good for you JT.

Not only will you get a break from all this madness........But I think it will be good to not be on your H back about the kids.

It will probably be real 'freeing' for both of you to relax. It will be good for him to not have you calling & checking up on him (ie: trusting him w/ the kids, treating him like a capable father!) And good for you to relax & realize that he IS a capable father.

I hear that in a lot of what you post but I think you know that already, part of your control-freakiness.

He's a grown man & he will be fine. Some things will be handled differently than how you might have done things......(& they should be) but that does not mean that they are wrong.

Yes, I think it would be fine to just give him your cell #.
********
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When H & I had first separated, years ago...I had a friend who lived in another state who wanted me to come & visit. She was going to pay my airfare & everything. H was sooooooo insecure & afraid I would never come back he absolutely FORBADE me to go! I wish I would have to give him a taste of some of his own medicine BUT @ the same time I wanted our marriage to be restored so I didn't want to cause any unneccessary damage.

It would have been good for me though to get away from him for awhile. Maybe he would have tried harder to think that I actually had options, instead of putting it all on me @ that time.
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JT-----I hope you really enjoy yourself & 4-get about everything for awhile. Get a really good massage for me ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I have a lot of tension in my shoulders! All this stress! arghh!!!

You better come back & give a FULL report all about it & how relaxing and great it was!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#829350 06/10/04 11:18 AM
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KT,

It is so good to hear from you we have all missed you so over the past week. I thought I was going through withdrawl from not hearing from you daily. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know it will be good for the both of us. I have been cleaning and doing laundry for the entire week I am about done. I just want everything to already be in order when I leaave.

H came hoem last night I had dinner ready. He ate and was in a good mood all week. I had taken the kids our two and my teenage stepson to take pictures this weekend. All he can talk about when he saw the proofs is how beautiful a family we have. He even made the comment that my stepson looks like he is my son on the pictures. He was so glad that things have worked themselves between the two of us (my stepson and I had a rocky beginning).

I am glad also because my kids love him so and he has come to love them now that he knows that they don't take his place. WHEW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

H says he is looking foward to being with the kids this weekend. I know I am glad to be going away. H also stated that he is afraid that I am going to get even with him (A). But I have no thoughts of that now.

Thanks for listening,
JT

#829351 06/10/04 04:52 PM
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sorry, jt, had some of my own 'trouble in paradise' lately.

I will post in on my current thread so as not to threadjack here.

I'm serious, you better get a really good shoulder massage for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#829352 06/11/04 07:49 AM
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Hi JT2,

Sounds like your husband really does care for you. I understand the anger. My discovery day was new years eve. I still get angry, but it is lessening. Your anger will lessen with time too. Have a good time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#829353 06/11/04 03:21 PM
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Hi girls,

Well I just got my last bit of work done so I am on my way to the spa. Sorry that I will not be able to talk to you girls this weekend so I will get back with you on Monday. Thanks very much for your support. I have cleaned the house and set out the clothes and bags for the kids while I am away so my H should not have to call me for anything.

Of course that will only last until after bath time. I have combed my daugfhter's hair so he should not have a problem with that.

I can not wait to get away. I am sorry I will not get to talk to you girls and twell you how much fun i/m having, but I'll have a martini for each of you!!!!1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't have to worry about drinking and driving , nor about drinking around or in front of the kids ( I have not had a drink since my daughter was born 14 mos ago). I think I am due! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks and I hope you girls are okay while I'm gone and remember to pray - pray - pray!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Love You all,

JT

#829354 06/12/04 12:33 AM
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Hi JT2,

Enjoy!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#829355 06/14/04 10:22 AM
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JT2~ Hope you had a few drinks for me and hope your weekend went well.

#829356 06/14/04 02:13 PM
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JT2,

Where are you??????? If you had all the martini's that you talked about drinking you must have had a really good weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope all is well, we are waiting to hear from you.

#829357 06/14/04 02:30 PM
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Hi girls,

just logged on to tell you that my weekend was great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I had enough martini's for us all. I relaxed and enjoyed myself to the fullest. it ws great i can not tell you how motivated i was when i left. i came home to a neat and clean house kids toys were all put away. H had left some dishes in the sink but only one or two so that was okay. When I picked up the kids they were dressed and clean and cute. so i was happy he did a very good job.

i slept so sound while at the spa it was unbelieveable. i did not have a care in the world. i checked up on the kids once and the rest of the weekend belonged to me and the sunsets. the whirlpool was fun, so was the massage it was only a matter of time before i fell quietly asleep.

i can't wait to do it again. when i got home i did call my H at work to tell him that he'd done a great job this weekend and i thanked him. do you know he had the nerve to say I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT I COULD TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS!! i politely told him that he always complains that i don't tell him that i am proud of him, but when i do he gets smart and snappy. He calmy appologized and went on to say he was glad i was back.

He told me he was going out with the guys to watch the game - so i said okay. but to my surprise he came straight home bought a six pack and we watched the game together with the kids!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

it was great!!!


JT

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

#829358 06/14/04 02:35 PM
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JT,

That sounds wonderful - ALL of it!!!!

You got to get away, free your mind from all this stuff plus came home to a house intact & spent time w/ H.

That is so great, keep up the good work, the compliments & so forth, even when H is not so worthy of them.

#829359 06/14/04 03:37 PM
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So gald you weekend was great. Mine was good I thought until today-but hey just talked to H he interuppted my post and he acted fine--these blow-ups between us are stupid. He asked why I had called and left voicemail--he hadn't listed to it yet and I said mainly to to ask you to turn the oven on at 4:00pm to 375--he asked why and I said to cook the lasagana (sp) and I said tell our little blow-up today I was going to have you for dinner. He didn't respond and neither did I. They can be such turds and I strongly feel that you souldn't say stuff unless you mean it and my H tends to and it hurts.

Anyway no more because I don't want to hijack your thread.

So glad you had a good weekend.

#829360 06/16/04 11:10 AM
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Well ladies I have slipped back into the feeling of ending it all. H came home last night as I was bathing the kids. We have been watching the NBA Finals together every game night so I was anxious to know if he would come home and watch it with me rather hang out with the fellas. H came home and we watched the game on the new big screen he bought us with the kids. The game was good - no it was great!! Go Pistons!!!

But during the game as the kids fell asleep and game went on H began to talk about planting some trees in our front yard. I began to get angry all over again because remind you H is not living at home. He is supposedly taking some classes and said that he had to go home and read a couple of chapters. Well I did not blow up but I noted to him that he calls where he's staying home. I said to him that I can not keep living like this and I won't much longer. He instatly got mad and said that he did not want to talk about it. I asked him why would he be planting trees when he does not even live here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

H just again stated that he did not want to argue so of course he got up and prepared to leave. He leaned over to give me a kiss but I just told him that this was not a Marriage. SF only happens maybe once every two or three weeks and I am not going to live like that.

I really don't want to do it but I don't want a marriage like this. I later called his cell to tell him that I wanted to be out of this sham of a marriage. I got the voice mail of course. I am just tired of waiting for him to make the decision to work on this. I won't allow my family to be tormented any longer by the wait on this stupid a$$ H of mine to make up his mind!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am pi$$%^@# !!


JT

#829361 06/16/04 11:48 AM
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I'm with you JT. Its hard to work on a M if your not together. I told H we counldn't work on our until he moved home and we waited a month. Just to get kids use to him being around again. But we still had a rough time for a couple of months. You both have to make the effort and say OK this is 100 % good bad or ugly. Gives you mare chances to LB so you need to tread lightly. But also the closeness you will gain from being together at night and just holding each other is great. I would encourage you to tell him to move back and work on it or you have to go on with your life. You don't want a boyfriend you want and need your H. Boyfriends come to visit not H. Well I will talk back at you in a few. Busy today at work. Bummer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

#829362 06/17/04 12:41 AM
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Hi JT2,

I am so sincerely sorry for your situation.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hug))))))))))))))))))

#829363 06/17/04 12:47 AM
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Thanks,

I am not in a very good mood today as you can see. I am not a very patient person and I refuse to keep living in this mess. It wither needs to be cleaned up ro moved out. I will not accept anythingless than the best for my children or myself. I am tired of just believing what he says. He claims that he want to be there but, does nothing to get past the situation!! I can not believe anything that he says!!!!!


I want to be left the heck alone!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I will raise my children alone!!!!

JT

#829364 06/16/04 01:04 PM
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I completely understand. Be strong!

#829365 06/16/04 02:22 PM
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JT2

Please don't give up hope just yet--men are slow--I want it fixed now but you know I have and H who won't get a D and won't quit coming over but nothing has happened either to fix things.

Chalk today up to a bad day and start fresh tomorrow--throughout we will good and bad days. Don't give up quite yet--I see much potential--look how your H still helps and has future plans for your house.

Chin up and positive thoughts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

#829366 06/16/04 03:04 PM
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but albany,
what does all this really get us? Foes it get us a happy and fufilled life with these cheating a55 men. I am not a very trusting person anyway and now I know that I do not believe a thing that comes out of his mouth. I am tired of being patient. I did not do this I did not go out and impregnate another person (as if I could)!! but the truth is is he really sorry? How do you really know? These are questions that I can not get over?

I feel like the biggest fool evryday. I feel like it is written all over my forehead!! I am tired of being embarassed to married to him. I am tired of my kids crying for him. I am tired of being in love with someone who could do this to me in the blink of an eye.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I can not stand this anymore!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
JT

What the he11 am I fighting for.

#829367 06/16/04 04:14 PM
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The game was good - no it was great!! Go Pistons!!!

Well, duh! JT2, that is your answer to all your problems! You're rooting for the WRONG team! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

#829368 06/16/04 05:13 PM
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Oh KT that must be California thing!
So Sorry we should have had a clean SWEEP!!

No seriously any info?

JT

#829369 06/16/04 05:52 PM
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well......seriously.......I don't know & I ahve no more advice but I will point out some things I noticed in your posts.

You let your H know, calmly, that you were upset but you did not lash out angrily.

Did YOU notice that? Talk about progress! Good job.

See, it is getting better JT. Yes, H is taking a long time to come back........but he is also making progress. Talks about his future w/ you, making future plans for the house.

Come on........try to focus on the positive steps you 2 are making. They are there.

Just like H had responded sarcastically (but then apologized) the 'habits' are still there but you are both starting to recognize them.

So, keep up the good work!

#829370 06/18/04 12:14 AM
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JT,

I pray you are having a better day today, remember one day at a time, this situation will not be changed over nite. I agree w/ KT that some positive steps are being taken by H, I know they are not big enough or fast enough for you, but if you give up now won't you look back later & have a servere case of the "what ifs????" You don't want that.

Here is a little prayer I found on patience;

Lord being patient isn't easy. I have my agenda for when things should happen--and I'm frustrated and resentful when they don't. Patience will come to me though, when I'm truly surrendered to You--so here I am, God. Do what you want in my life, in Your time, in Your way. Amen.

I hope it helps you, I am gonna say it too! OFTEN!

#829371 06/17/04 04:37 PM
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THANKS,

i HAVE NO PATIENCE WHAT SO EVER AND BY THE WAY MY h CALLED ME THIS AFTERNOON TO ASK ME - IF I TRUST HIM AT ALL. NO HE ASKED ME WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY TRUST OR FAITH IN HIM AT ALL? I SAID THAT I CAN'T HE TOOK IT FROM ME AND I AM ABSOLUTELY AFRAID TO HAVE ANY TRUAST IN HIM. HE THEN WENT ON TO ASK ME HOW OUR D DR. APPT WENT THIS MORNING. I TELL YOU I ANSWERED HIM THEN PROCEEDED TO ASK HIM WHY HE ASKED ME THAT AND HE SAID BECAUSE OF THE MESSAGES I CONTINUE TO LEAVE ON HIS VOICE MAIL.

THEN HE HA A CLIENT WALK IN SO HE SAID THAT HE'D CALL ME LATER, BUT LADIES I AM REALLY SCARED TO LET GO OF THE ANGER.

I AM AFRAID OF LOSING HIM. I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY HAVE AND BEING ANGRY ALLOWS ME TO REGAIN SOME SORT OF SICK CONTROL OVER MY HAPPINESS AND FAMILY.
BUT IT DOES NOT. I CAN NOT LET IT GO I AM NOT GETTING BETTER. I AM AFRAID THAT I AM GOING TO LOSE HIM TO THIS WHOLE ow/oc ISSUE. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY HUSBAND I LOVE HIM AND I WANT MY CHILDREN TO HAVE THEIR FATHER SOLELY. IS THAT SO WRONG?

gOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING AND I CAN'T LET THE DEVIL GO. HE CONTINUES TO DESTROY MY CONFIDENCE IN MY m AND MY h LOVE FOR ME.

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT I CAN DO!!
I AM SO STUPID I KEEP ON BRINGING IT UP LB'S SHOULD BE MY MIDDLE NAME NO MY FIRST NAME.


I THINK I AM JUST -----

JT

#829372 06/17/04 05:27 PM
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JT2

Just focus on you and your behaviour--I was where you are once and I neve made it pleasant for H to be at home for a while. But you need to do some healing and then begin to slowly rebuild your trust.

Did you get in to see Doc to get meds. I can't remember???

Hang strong Girl

#829373 06/17/04 06:48 PM
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JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> gOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING AND I CAN'T LET THE DEVIL GO. HE CONTINUES TO DESTROY MY CONFIDENCE IN MY m AND MY h LOVE FOR ME.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, now you have to BE STILL & listen, if you are not careful the enemy will use your anger to destroy your M, the mistake has been made, none of us are perfect, you can't beat H over the head w/ this 24/7 or you will drive him away. That is what the enemy wants. Are you taking AD's yet?

Here is another prayer;

Dear God, sometimes I get angry so easily. Things go wrong, people don't act the way I want them to, someone's words rub me the wrong way. Help me, Father, to control my anger, to keep it from spilling out, hurting those around me. Remind me that usually, when it comes right down to it, I'm angry simply because I can't have my own way. Give me the strength to accept whatever You send into my life. Amen.

I hope you have a good evening, & stay calm when talking to H, try to listen more than speak & be truthful w/o LBing, tricky & very hard at times I know. You can do this sweetie, God will help you.

#829374 06/17/04 09:59 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I JUST KEEP BRINGING IT UP AND FIGHTING ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY. WHY WOULD HE WANT TO COME HOME IS WHAT A FRIEND OF MINE KEEPS ASKING ME. AND THE ANSWER IS THAT HE WOULD NOT. SO MY PROBLEM HAS NOT EVEN BEEN TH OW IT HAS BEEN MY LACK OF TRUST IN HIM AND THE FACT THAT OW/OC WILL EVEN EXIST.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT - Your H is the one that destroyed that trust. He has got to earn that back from you and I hope he realizes it won't happen overnight (if ever totally). However, he appears to be trying. You have got to give him the chance if you want to save your M. Don't throw OW/OC in his face all the time. If he is truly sorry and making an effort to repent for his mistake, you must let go and work on your future together. You need to let go of the anger and work on rebuilding the love you have for him. In time, the hurt and anger will fade. Give it a chance. You are lucky that your H is home and trying. I would give anything for my H to show a little effort, a little interest, a little remorse. You have a chance to rebuild your M - don't waste it on hurt and anger.

#829375 06/17/04 11:48 PM
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Kris,

My H is not at home. He still does not live here and I have had a startling experience this evening. When i came home there in the mailbox was a letter to my H from an Obstetrics and Gynecology office that I do not belong to. So I'll let you take a guess. I opened the letter and find that my H check bounced that he wrote to the office for OW doctor's visit. I broke into tears instantly before I even got into the house. My kids are now crying with me wondering what is wrong. I could not even turn the alarm off for the tears.

I am telling you this is my worst nightmare and it is only just beginning. H said that he has not talked to the girl but what is this then you must have gone to the doctor's office. I immediately call him at work to tell him what I have now found. He then is so apologetic of course. I just don't know what to believe. He said that she called him and told him that he was going to have to pay for something so he did - yeah I am suppose to believe that.

I am angry beyond belief!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
He came home to try to explain himself but I don;t buy it. why don't you just discuss this stuff with me rather than hide it!! It is going to hurt regardless, but it would be best to know that we are in this together. i just want to be free of the pain and want to go on with my life with or without him!! all the hugging and kissing and trying to make up is not going to change the fact that this is only the beginning of my problems. H says that he wants and loves us his family but I am having a hard time believing him because of things like this.

I believe that I want out, I do not believe that i am strong enough to handle this whole thing about OW/OC. I am just sick!! and I am Lost!!!

jt

#829376 06/18/04 08:02 AM
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Hi JT2,

I am so sorry. I remember the anger I felt about any money being spent on other woman. Once my husband suggested to me that he should take other woman to a real doctor instead of a clinic. I was very quick to tell him that the clinic was good enough for me and it was good enough for him. How dare he risk your finances to help other woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
MEN

#829377 06/18/04 09:12 AM
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JT, I'm so sorry you are not getting over the anger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It makes me sad because you have to get over the anger before you can move on in your M and your life. It is a must! It doesn't happen over night. But it does have to happen. Please read Eph 4 1-32 it talks about anger, and forgiveness. Pray that God will take your enemies from you. He will if you ask and beleive. I know its hard to beleive that one day you will look back and say I can't beleive the devil's work had control over me like that. Tell the devil to get out and leave. Make your mind up to give at lease alittle of the anger everyday. We are human and it doesn't go away all at the same time. Tell your self I will forgive and put behind me this (say the doc bill) and then put it behind you. Ok he is responsible for this child also. He helped create it, wheither he knew it or not, and this is his punishment. He may have jut given her the check. You don't know for sure he went. Don't let the devil take over the great mind, heart and soul God has given you. If you want your M to work then you have to start the trust somewhere. We know he is not a saint, but if he has commited himself to you and his family, and you want that to, then you will have to change as well. It don't fix itself and MB is not a program to change your husband, changes come within. MB is here to help you have a stronger more loving marriage. Are you reading the different articals here? Read everything. The bible has many good stories in it and I've myself have learned alot.
I know things are going to be better for you. I know you want your M to work, thats why you are here. So make a commitment to yourself and God to start today on your way to getting over the anger and open your heart to forgiveness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted its FRIDAY !!!
Delighted God has brought all of us together
Delighted that I don't let the devil control my mind any longer
Delighted just to be living, loving, the one he has given me.

#829378 06/18/04 10:00 AM
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JT if you have a bible book store in your area. I was going though a bible study, weight lose thing at the church. The bible study where soo good muct people didn't even need to lose weight. I lost 40 lbs! But we I gained thought the studies where far better that the weight loss. The two I liked most was Seeking Gods best and Life undercontrol. If you go to www.firstplace.org you can order them too. It has a daily bible study and its great! They face relationship issues, family, everything. Try and pick one up and see what you think. Oh if you can find a church offering the bible study, go, its really great to have the support even if you don't need to loose weight the studies are awesome!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

#829379 06/18/04 10:26 AM
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JT,

I am pissed for you on this one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> , H should not be paying a dime toward OW's ANYTHING until DNA is done & whatever he is doing concerning OW & her pg. should not be done in secret. Trust cannot be rebuilt like this.

You were justified in being upset over this, but overall you can't let your general anger over this situation consume you the way you have been.

When you are really really calm JT, you have to sit down w/ H & tell him that if he truly wants to come home & work on your M honesty has to be 1st & foremost. If you two are going to work this out you have to do POJA about everything including contact or no contact w/ OC.

I know how angry you are about all this, but don't give up so soon, you have no idea what God has in store for you, all is not lost & neither are you. Stay strong for your kids, don't let them see you torn apart like that. Did you get the meds & are you taking them? You need help honey, for yourself & your kids. You all come 1st, you can worry about H & the mess he created later. Right now take care of you.

#829380 06/18/04 11:22 AM
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Hey girls,

It is morningand I feel even worse than I did last night. I feel as though I can not go any further with this. I know that the devil has a hold on my life I can feel it,but I can not shake him off. Everytime it looks like we are having a good time or making some progress then I get a big slap in the face. I am not equipped to fight this thing. I am not releasing it to God and I am paying for it with my sanity.

I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. this will be a life long struggle and I don't know if I can take it. I don't want his to be true. I also keep getting phone calls at home where they've blocked their number out but when I answer they hang up. It goes on all day. I never mentioned it because at first I thought nothing of it until I scrolled through my caller ID and noticed that it was four or five times a day. I tried to *69 but the number is being blocked out. I called and left H a message after I received this mornings call and told him to look at the caller id and look into it.

I am not going to live like this. I don't want to live like this. I have to tell him how I feel tonight calmly and rationally. I know God is testing my faith because at this point I have not shown any, but I am finding it so hard to change that and I know what God can do personally. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am not sure that this is what I am suppose to do. I know the devil gets me because I am just as angry if not more so since i found out about this whole thing. It has not let up. Ladies maybe I am suppose to move on with my life. It if father's day and I am dreading it to no end!!
I don't even want to do anything for him - now! I should just take the gifts back to the store and let it go.
Praying for me has only seemed to anger the devil and his tactics are getting stronger and I fall for them everytime but knowing this and doing something about it is different. It's not getting better because I am not getting better.

so why not just quit!
jt

#829381 06/19/04 12:02 AM
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did you go to the dr?
did you get an ad prescription?

ALSO, WHAT steps have you personally taken to get back in touch w/ God, spiritually? Are you just 'thinking' about HIM more or are you taking physical steps? (ie: reading your Bible, being in fellowhip w/ other believers (church) praying)


What steps are you taking to control your anger?
Are you just talking about controlling it or are you responding rationally & physically when you feel your adrenaline start to rush? For example, not saying a word till you calm down, removing yourself physically from the triggering situation ect.

Are you going to individual counseling?
Are you working out?
What are you doing?
********************
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Yes, all of this anger is going to destroy your marriage, whether H lives w/ you or not. It will also destroy you personally.

You are a very smart & honest woman. I can see that in your posts. You know yourself well & recognize your limitations.

It stood out to me the parallels you drew between using your anger to 'control' the situation since you feel you have none. The thing that you don't realize is that it is just the opposite, you are letting the anger control you.

If you were controlling your anger than you would be calm. You would respond to H rationally to get your point across. This takes practice, energy & SELF-CONTROL. You are choosing to be angry.

H chose to have A. Do you agree? Wouldn't you laugh in his face if he said, it just happened, or he could not help it?

The same applies w/ your anger. It's not 'just happening'. You CAN help it. Make a choice JT! You are angry, ok,that does not mean you have to yell, or hit, or scream.

I just thought of something.
I am gonna put on my psychobabble hat here.....
You talk a lot about your anger but not much of your pain & hurt. When you do mention it, you gloss right over it & then it's just anger.

Listen, it does not mean you are a weak person because you have been hurt here. It's ok to be hurt, shocked & totally blinsided by this. You should be.

I think that you think, being angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> makes you a stronger person and being hurt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> makes you a weaker person. But it is not so.

You are skipping a very important step in the healing process & I think that is why you are 'stuck' here. I don't think you are allowing yourself to feel all the hurt & grieve over that. You are afraid of being vulnerable. DANG woman you were & you got screwed! That's waht happens here! You should be hurt and then after that you get angry then numb then reality & you accept it. (in either direction, you acknowledge that it happen and choose which direction you willtake it from there) But you can't just ignore the pain & try to cover it w/ anger.
*************
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ok psychobabble hat off now.....
I could be wrong here. Let me know.

#829382 06/19/04 12:50 AM
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Last night I got two calls and hangups. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
They were blocked. Reminds me of OW. She used to call and block them. Then she would get her nerve up to call me and tell me how lovely her and my husband were getting along.
JT2, Not trying to hyjack just wanna let you know I understand the anger, I feel it too.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

#829383 06/18/04 01:08 PM
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JT another thing. In order for you to go on with your life, even if you are not M, you will still have to deal with the pain, hurt, and anger. If you don't your not going to give anyone else the chance to get close to you. Your not going to be able to trust anyone. And if you have to cry, then cry get it out. Its ok if your kids see you cry, they know "mommy is sad" and this would be an oppertunity for you to ask if they are sad or get sad. I know my D was so scared to say anything to anyone when we where seperated, until she saw my crying. (Not having a break down kinda cry, just sad, scared, hurt cry) You need to get ahold of it so you can help them too. And at one point when all of this started for me I WOULD NOT cry in front of H. Well you need to! He needs to see your pain that he caused. Don't just get mad and want to just hurt him because of the hurt he has done you. You are going to have to go through all the stages of recovery and each one will make you strong. And I want to tell you, the more folks you have praying for you, the harder it will be for the devil to get close to you. The devil doesn't like marriages, or family, its his job to make you feel the hoplessness of it all. And we are here to help you find it!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D.

#829384 06/18/04 01:25 PM
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Hi Sunny,

I am not trying to say you are wrong. I was just seen somewhere that crying was a lovebuster. Making you look clingy. I cried once because I felt so bad about husband being mean to me after discovery of affair. He left and went and sat in car. So I did not get any points for crying in front of him. Seeing us cry seems to compound their guilt. They do not want to feel guilty so they do not want to be around us when we are sad. Now I am putting on a happy act for my husband even though I do not feel happy inside. Am I wrong?

#829385 06/18/04 01:44 PM
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You guys are so right.

KT- I am afraid to let the hurt & pain show. I have been so strong for so long and presented my self as such and not needing anyone, but it is all a lie. I need him and want him I can not do this alone. I am afraid to let him know this because he will then or at least I am afraid that he will then just walk all over me. Maybe deep down or I know i feel that he really does not love me. I am afraid of letting someone get that close to me. I am afraid that he will not love me unconditionally, because I have not loved him that way.

I don't know how to let him in and I am terrified of doing so. I am terrified of letting go of this situation for fear that it will not go well for me and my kids. H has told me otherwise and even said to me on several occasions that I need to let go and let us grow together and be happy together, but I can't or I won't. I give an inch and take a yard back. If I show that I am hurting badly then will he leave? That is the question here. I already feel like he has so I am just waiting for the bomb to drop on me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have always been this way and have never really let myself go with anyone - H has gotten closer to me that anyone, and look what happened - I got burned bad. I feel as though it is impossible to recover from this - eventhough I love him so!! I obviously have a sad way of showing it to him, but that is because of my pride and fear of never really being loved by him!

KT - I think the issues run even deeper than I know, but this is what is holding me back. But I do I love him more than he will ever know and even believe.

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

#829386 06/18/04 04:39 PM
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If your husband cried would he seem clingy? Or would you feel he was sorry or scared? No my H knows I make my money, I'm a nice looking woman, getting men is not a problem, I am a strong person. Was Christ clingy? I'm not saying cry everytime you get into a conversation, but if your hurt, they need to know. If you don't show or release it by crying, I get angry and want to hurt them like they hurt me. Thats when the devil steps right in. And I don't mean a histarical cry either. But would you think your H was more sincere if he cried? No your not wrong. Everyone and every situation is not the same. But for me I don't cry hardly any. Not at deaths, wakes ect, if your saved I am happy this world is not your worry and God is what you are looking at and I want to talk to John!! And I will see my family and friends again. Because I know in my heart I will be there too someday. So if I am deeply hurt, to where I do cry, H knows I'm hurt. I don't do it to make him feel sorry for me or any more guilty. Neither does he. When I have really hurt him he will cry and I don't think any less of him. Crying together has brought us closer. But that is us. But hurt has to get out, so let it out in a good cry and not just a hurtful anger type thing.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted I'm going home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Delighted that God has blessed me again today
Delighted that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life (Means new starts ladies) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Delighted he gave me a forgiving heart ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#829387 06/19/04 08:01 PM
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Hi,

you know what ladies it is over. I can not control the way that i feel and really am tired of trying to save this stupid a%% Marriage. I feel that I made a mistake and should not have married this man. I will not continue to live in seperate households and he is actually saying that he is going to get himself together. So what the heck does that mean. He is not doing anything to work on this marriage. I feel like I am living in a constant nightmare and have no way out.

I guess he is going to wait see if his OW/oc looks like a good situation for him. I think it is best for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.. I need to close this one. H said that I am just worried because I did not allow him to be with me in the hospital when i had our children. This is true but I am sorry and can not take it back. So I have to just let it go. I am sick of fighting and arguing about it. I can not win H had the nerve to tell me that I won't win him back by arguing about it everyday, but hello why do I have to win him back what the H%%$ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I should be the one that he is trying to win back
. He is never going to come home so I am sick of waiting and crying about it!!!

I need to just say F it and get the h##$ out of it. I am so sick of this SH&% til I don't know what to do. This is what an explosion from me sounds like if you did not know.

KT- it is not going to get better I don't truly believe that nad you know what I feel like I can't live with him and can't live without him. I think I am going to start dating, maybe I 'll start over and not have to worry about it. Maybe an affair will help me to get over him and move on. I want some happiness too. He got to have it and he gets to escape it everynight by going to where ever the heck he lives.


you all were wrong about me I am not willing to fight for what I have nothing. I feel so stupid - I am living hell on earth and I am tired of it. I don't mean to ramble but I think that I am going to go out and just start over. It worked for him I know that it will work for me because I have no intention on coming back. I think my H thinks that I am going to be here forever. I have decided to live outside of the house for a week. Maybe if he has no clue as to where we are then he 'll leave me the HR%# alo9ne or figure out what it's like. Plan A is not for me an neither is PLan B I need to just let this go. I am sick of hurting and I don't know what else to do.

I am not getting over this nor am I working through this. I should not be here at this point in my life. Why should I do the work here? What the hel$% is the problem with this world. I almost want to just ball up and wither away. Would anyone really miss me other than the kids? I don't see it and father's day is right here and I have to deal with this. I am tired and want to live myu life starting with someone else or maybe by myself.

I just know it is time for me to move on to someething new. this is not a fight worth having. I should not have to try and remind him of what he M he should know and want to be with us but that is not the case.

I am done - all the way cooked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
not just today but everyday. Nothing has helped me and I guess nothing will so I'm outta here!

JT

Wish everyone else well!!

#829388 06/21/04 08:29 AM
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Hi JT2,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand your pain. I am going through a roller coaster of my own right now but just in a different way. A lot of people feel bad for me and some people do not wanna talk to me because they think I should just leave my husband. But ultimately you do what feels right to you. If your gut tells you that it is not gonna work, it probably won't. I think you do need to hold off on dating for awhile though. Your emotions are running high now. I know you are probably lonely. It would be better if you had some women friends to hang out with. But I would hold off on dating because your anger and fears may come out against a man who might be good. I just think you need to take some time and work on yourself before you date again.
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this situation.

#829389 06/21/04 11:47 AM
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JT, Plan A is hard. Even if I found this site before doing plan B I'm not sure if I could have done it first. I understand your need to go on but you can;t just run off w/the kids and not tell him. Don't let him use the legal system to make you look crazy! Cause he messed up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Think about everything you do before you do it and say it. Yes if you feel you need to leave, then pack up and get kids and go somewhere and enjoy them!!!! But you have to tell him. That age ole rule "thats their father" and weither he has acted like it or not, he loves them. You have this feeling of moving on, then I am with you. You only know what its like living and dealing with this man. But do it legal !!!! File for the D and serve him w/ papers. You having an A makes you lower your standards and I would hate to see you do that. But if your not intended to be with your H, then yes make your plans, but not when your angry. Maybe time away from the daily constant reminder will lessen your anger. I really hope you call an attorney and find what your legal rights are and don't do anything he can use against you. When the H wakes up and sees your not going to be there just sitting and waithing for him to make his mind up and when he has to loose his family, he may turn around and start getting angry and use whatever he can. Also if he is still in contact w/OW she will be cheering him on to hurt you ! Trust me been there done that! So just slow down, write your plans and what you want and where you want your life to be then call the attorney and file. PLEASE don't stoop to his level. Showing him that you are so much better than that and making your life good again will be enough to hurt him He will say, look at the heck of a woman I lost! Make him feel that way, without even saying a word! Good luck and you WILL keep posting, right?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

#829390 06/21/04 01:06 PM
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SUNNY,

wHY AM i THE ONE WHO HAS TO GIVE SO MUCH AND GET SO LITTLE IN RETURN. i AM TIRED OF EVEN FOPOLING WITH IT AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I DON'T GET ANYTHING FROM HIM I HAVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT MYSELF.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL. I HAVE HAD TO TAKE MEASURES INTO MY OWN HANDS AND FIND OUT INFORMATION THAT I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. i HAVE FOUND WHAT DOCTOR SHE IS USING AND EVEN GOTTEN THE DUE DATE THIS MORNING FROM THEIR OFFICE. I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE OF THIS WHOLE THING. I DO NOT WANT TO EVEN GO THROUGH IT.

I CAN NO TTAKE THE STRAIN AND STRES ON MY SANITY. I AM LITERALLY GOING INSANE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I AM NOT EVEN A SANE PERSON I WORRY ABOUT THIS WHOLE MESS CONSTANTLY. I AM CONSUMED WITH IT. I AM NOT GETTING BETTER ABOUT IT I JUST WANT OUT OF IT. I AM THINKING IT SO I MIGHT AS WELL SAY IT BUT MY PRAYERS ARE GOING UNANSWERED. I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING IN A SEA OF DESPAIR AND DESSERTEDNESS(IF THAT'S EVEN A WORD).

I SEE NOTHING BUT PAIN AHEAD AND NOTHING ELSE. I AM NOT SURE THAT IT WILL EVER GET BETTER I AM NOT SURE THAT I WILL EVER BE BETTER. I AM SO TIRED I FEEL LIKE I NEED AN EXORCISM DONE ON ME. LADIES I AM TIRED OF READING THE BOOKS AND JUST TIRED OF TRYING TO FIX IT. THIS IS REDICULOUS.

JT

#829391 06/21/04 01:22 PM
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ok JT, take a deep breathe. If you are done, then you are done.

I would strongly recommend that you avoid jumping into another relationship w/ someone else right now or anytime in the near future.

I would at least wait until the D is final. AND, I think you should get into some personal counseling to help you w/ your issues.

Your children need you right now, not some new honey or lover. They need you to focus on them (not be distracted by a lover) so that they can grieve for thier parents marriage too & for their family that will no longer be. They need lots of reassurance & stability.

If you do D, fine but you & H will still have to get along for your children so don't think that you won't be reminded of the pain from time to time, it will still be there. H will still be in your life.
**************
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The other stuff you said, you're right. You should not have to convince H to stay w/ you or lecture him about how a marraige is supposed to be or what it means to be married. H knows & he is choosing not to be. ok
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So take a deep breathe and seek out an experienced family attorney who will advise you correctly on how to accomplish what is best for your children.

Think rationally here, BC will need father just as much as you so if H is willing, he should be allowed a very generous visitation schedule. It will mean that you will only see your children 1/2 of the time too.

Some courts offer classes on how to co-parent or can advise you where to go for these classes. Some courts even require the parents to attend these classes. Especially w/ all the anger that you have, I would seek those out so that you can learn the tools to effectively co-parent & keep H & your's relationship separate from your parenting relationship.
***********
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Take care of yourself.

#829392 06/21/04 01:28 PM
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JT -

OMgoodness! I can so feel your hurt! I'm hurting for you - beleive me, I've been there where all you see and feel is the pain, pain, the betrayal and the hurt. I understand. I do.

You do what you have to to regain your equalibriam (sp? - I'm a dolt). You need to, and you DESERVE it! If that means getting out - you do what you have to do. Heck. It'll at least give you room to breathe without it hurting - I remember that pain - that pain where I couldn't believe that I could exist without the hurt. Now you have a choice, honey. The choices aren't easy, but they are YOURS now. Make them. I am here. You can tell me how hard is, and I'm going to agree with you and be here for you to lean on when you need it.

You aren't alone - no matter how it feels. Last November you'd have had to scrape me off my bedroom floor with a spatula - I was in so much pain. I only wish I'd known then that I wasn't so friggin alone!

You're not by yourself! I'm here.

- Kimmy

#829393 06/21/04 01:32 PM
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Okay JT2

I agree-with KT and Niosgirl. You do what you need to do and we will be here for you.

Have you thought about PB--it would give you space and time--NC with H--make hime get kids via neutral party--it might be alternative to doing a D right away and the worst that could happen is you do a D anyway but you get all your affairs in order during PB and be ready. Either he catches up or he doesn't.

Not telling you what to do just tossin out an idea and I will support you either way.

#829394 06/23/04 12:25 AM
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Hi ladies,

I am back today. I am feeling a little better. I still don't know if I should stay or not. Just keep praying for me and I will be praying for you. I don't know what else to do. I can not be there for my H if I can't even get over the factm that he has this other child and will want to spend time with it.

I don't even know if he will want to spend time with OC or not. I have stated my NC rule to him and he claims that he will just pay her the CS and let that be it but what else will happen.

They live in the same state and even work close by each other maybe a football field away from each other. I am just not certain I can take it.

i don't feel like this is his only A so i feel like it won't be the last.

and I am the only one feeling the pain of it all.

jt

#829395 06/23/04 12:32 AM
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JT2

I think he may be feeling the pain--that is why they have a hard time dealing with us and didn't you say that you guys keep working on and spending money on your house--I think that it is positive that is happening. He has not let go.

I'm thinking of you and want you to know that you can get through this anger but it won't happen overnight.

#829396 06/22/04 03:27 PM
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JT,

I am so happy you are feeling better today. It is so hard to stay calm & not wig out over all this & just say forget it all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still don't know if I should stay or not. Just keep praying for me and I will be praying for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't stop praying whatever you do girl, God will lead you where HE wants you to go & that will never be a place that is not GOOD!

Hang in there sweetie!

#829397 06/22/04 10:43 PM
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JT2, I did NOT even see your post that was all in caps! we must've been posting @ the same time.

You really sound like you need an anti-depressant now (& individual counseling). I recognize EXACTLY how I was, just like that AND afraid that I was also going insane.

Hellooooo? you are. Have you gotten any medication for this?

I am very serious about this. You are extremely mood swingy & your posts show it. I am afraid for you. One of the effects/symptoms of depression can be suicide.

If you are feeling this crazy, I fear that suicidal thoughts are not far either, if you are not having them already.

I am completely serious here. Talk to me!

You never answered my questions before.......what are you DOING to get better?

#829398 06/23/04 11:53 AM
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Hi girls,

well I have had rough week. I have not started my AD's and am feeling the brunt of this situation. I do not think that I have been actually living in faith that God will work everything out for the good. I do not know how to release it and let God. I know that it is the right thing to do, but I have not been able to do it. The devil is ever present. I am getting no information from my H which is even worse and he still sontends that he wants his family. He still does so much work around the house and for our family - me included.

We had a great father's day and he was home with us all day. We had the first calm conversation last night in a long time. I guess because I was partially calm. I told him how I felt about it - the situation and even told him what I would not be able to handle about this whole thing. He contnds that he can't do anything until this baby is born. he said he is going to go throuhg the courts and get this taken care of. I told him DNA testing would have to be done. He claims that he is not even sure that this is his baby.

I told him that I would not stay around or be married to him if he plans on taking an active role in this childs life. I will not jepardize my family's happiness because of this. I will not allow my children to be subjected to this type of life. I also stated that he could not live a double life. He has to make a decision an choose. He told me that I believed everything that OW said to me and I told him no. He said that he never told her that they were going to be together. He said how could I marry her when we are already married and so is she for that matter.

I told him he must have wanted to be there because when I put him out he ran straight to her for comfort and to live with. Now I wanted to iknow if he wanted to be in C with OC and he can not give me an answer. Ladies I can not accept this. I will not be married to him if C is involved. I know that OC is innocent but hey so are my children and my stepson. They deserve more and will get if from me even if daddy is not with us. I am not sure that he understands that I can not live like that. I have told him enough but am afraid that he will choose her and OC over me and my kids.

I do sometimes have thoughts of just melting away KT, but I am not suicidal I will not leave my children to be with this B&W#$%!! They may have lost one parent if we D. So I be da*#ed if I'm Going to leave them without a mother at least not on purpose. Besides I am scared of pain let alone self inflicted pain.

gotta go will talk later,

JT

please help me make him understand that I can not do this. and please keep praying for me.

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

#829399 06/24/04 12:05 AM
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JT - You sound like I used to - heck, even now I sometimes think if something should happen to me, I don't think I'd fight to keep breathing. My kids, too, are what swings those thoughts around - and they're getting less and less frequent. I couldn't leave them to be raised by dh - and who knows, really if he'd ever run back to the tart? I sure as heck don't want HER raising my sweet babies....I don't even think she's fit to raise those she has....I've made it clear to dh if something ever does happen to me, I want his sister to raise my kids...at least he sees my point of view...

I digress. Take your meds. They'll help. I swear they will. You'll be WAY more calm - and therefore more productive for yourself and your children. I'm sending you cyber squeezes....we all need them sometimes.

- Kimmy

#829400 06/24/04 12:34 AM
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JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think that I have been actually living in faith that God will work everything out for the good. I do not know how to release it and let God. I know that it is the right thing to do, but I have not been able to do it. The devil is ever present. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel the same exact way, I say I am gonna let it go & I tell others to let it go, but I can't. My faith is very shaky, I can't seem to trust God to work this out for me, it is the hardest thing to do.

I have not taken my AD's either, only took a total of 3 not in a row & quit, but you really need something to calm you down honey, so you can make good sound decisions & none based out of anger & pure raw emotion.

I pray that H will be united w/ you in your decision to have NC w/ OC if it is his. It is asking a great deal of you to do this & if you feel in your heart that you can't you should not even try. It is good that you were able to talk w/ him calmly about your feelings & it sounds like you didn't LB at all, I still think the meds will help you to continue to keep communication open w/ H & hopefully you 2 can make some progress using POJA concerning him returning home & the OC issue.

As always I am praying for you.

#829401 06/23/04 04:49 PM
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I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do about the way I feel. My h I believe just does not want me to leave but he does not wnat to work at it. He w3ant to control what happens. If i know nothing about what he is feeling about this issue then nothing gets done. I can not understand why he won't involve me other than maybe the fact that I blow up most of the times when I again I bring up the issue. If I never say anything about this mess then we would probably never talk about it. H never brings it up.

He never even talks about it Maybe he needs to be out of this relationship to see just how good he really has it. We have made a good life for ourselves and our children. I have helped him like no othr person ever has. I wonder does he not want to let his marriage go because he does not want to feel like a failure or does he realy love me and the kids. is it enough? I don't think so. I don't think that my H is going to be able to have NC - so I might as well end it now.

What the he$$ am I waiting for?

I just don't know if I can do any of this!!

KT I am doing nothing to help this situation but Cry I guess. I feel like i can't get anything done it is amazing that I even go to work,but then I spend all day reading these posts. I live this whole thing daily!!

I am sooooo stupid for even being in this!!!!

JT

#829402 06/23/04 05:27 PM
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You know what girls I think that I am just trying to realize that my H will probably not put my feelings first in this whole thing. he still trys to say that OW would not do this or that but hey I bet he never thought sh'e call my house either. I can't take the pain and I'll never be able to deal with someone coming and telling my children that they have another little brother or sister. I don't want this to be and I am hurting so that I can not see anything but red!!

i won't live with this pain. I don't want it for my family I think that it's better for my kids if their daddy ws not involved on any level. him saying that he does not know what he is going to do tells me that he wants to be a part of this childs life and frankly he can't have them both. he can't live two lives with two seperate familiesl. Heck he already has two families and CS to deal with from his ex-wife. My stepson deserves better. He knows how trivial OW can be from dealing with her.

#829403 06/23/04 05:29 PM
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Your H sounds like mine. As soon as i draw away mine comes running--doesn't want me to find anyone else.

Never wants to talk about this anymore. Acts as if nothing has happened and it makes me wonder if he could do this forever. Your H sounds a lot like mine and AD would probably suggest PB because they don't show they are leaving and a very short PB would probably bring them around.

However, I haven't wanted to do a PB so I haven't. Hang in there--I see a lot of potential for your M to work--especially the fact that your H doesn't seem done.

#829404 06/23/04 07:58 PM
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JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sooooo stupid for even being in this!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are stupid, then I am a the biggest idiot that ever lived, at least you are fighting for your family, I am hanging in here just to try & get back the man who promised to love, take care & honor me for life.

For real though, you are far from stupid, you are a christian woman/wife/mother who is trying to live right by God & honor the vows you took on your wedding day - for better or worse...

You are attempting to follow God's way & forgive, remember God hates divorce.

You are acknowledging your past mistakes & have a desire to work thru the current problems in your M, that takes courage & strength & a lot of love, not many women would be where you are right now, not because they are smart, because they would chose the easy way out & run, give the devil what he wants another broken M, more children from a broken home.

Girl you hold your head up high, you are not stupid, you are more than a conqueror & you will be victorious. Just keep holding on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#829405 06/24/04 01:12 AM
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I am still the queen of angry outbursts. I have not changed at all and My M that I claim I want is paying for it. I throw up what is happening and not happening in our M up eeryday. I call my H at work to questiopn him about what he wants to do. I just feel like a total idiot. I can not let it go and I won't let it og. I argue in front of my kids andf I am not being the best mother I can be to my kids by doing this. HEck I am not getting better. My H will not move home I am paranoid about eveythiong that he says and I am just pushing everyone away. I am awake crying my eyes out right now because I am stupid I have just been a fool and can not control it. I am so tired of being this way until I see no way out but to Divorce. But will I take this contaminating behavior on to the next relatiobship? I think so!! It's me I am the problem and he is just intensifying it with his stupidity. I just want to end it all. I want to be free of eveyone and everything I know nothing to be true anymore except that I am a fool. I am sorry girls I don't think that I can change so why expect someone else to change. I am the classic person that probably should not be married. I can not let it GO!!!

I am a retard of bad behavior and I am not only suffering but my kids are too!! I can not keep doing this but how do I stop it?????????????


I am afraid that I am about to collapse into a black hole or something I feel as though my world has ended. So why?

JT

I am obviously not as strong as you all may think. so please tell me what you think about this situation - better yet don't I know you all will say that you have been to this point too but did this same point last for almost 10 months now- for you? It is not getting better and I am not getting better!! I don't want to be here anymore!

#829406 06/24/04 08:34 AM
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Hi JT,

I am so worried about you. Well I have been having these depressed thought for 6 months now. The OW baby is due 9/15/04. That seems like an eternity to me. My husband tells me he plans on contact. I hear that they should have another person go with them if they have contact. My husband refuses to do DNA test. Says he is sure it is his baby. I cope by putting on a happy face in front of husband. I wanted to end it last weekend. I told husband I felt like he treated me like I were trash. He said I could talk to him when I felt like that. But you know the truth is I can't because he does not like seeing me sad or being with me when I am sad. So much for unconditional love. I feel starved for love. I know your feelings. Sometimes I feel like what is the point. Will medication help me, you, I do not know. I could try it, but will it just make me accept a situation that I would not otherwise accept. I have made a Doctor's appointment and I plan on talking to the Doctor about it. I hope you can find a way to feel better soon because I am worried about you and your little ones. When we are down our kids know. JT2, I pray for you that you can pull yourself together.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

#829407 06/24/04 10:19 AM
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JT2~

You can pull yourself together and do this. Yes, I have been doing this for exactly 1-year this week. H moved out having an affair came home in late November - end of January and didn't know about OW being w/OC until 2nd week of Dec. IT can take a long time but I think I prolonged mine possibly by not doing PB. You can do this.
Start taking your AD--they really help after about a week--they let you relax and live life which is what you need to do for you, kids and the marriage if you want it to survive. You will push H away with angry if you don't get a handle on all this. It sucks but we have to be the stronger one and do more of the work to get through this at first.

YOU CAN DO THIS IF NOTHING ELSE FOCUS ON 1 GOOD THING FOR YOU EACH DAY AND THEN FOCUS ON KIDS AND I THINK THE REST WILL COME.

#829408 06/24/04 11:24 AM
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Hi girls,

I am still not feeling well this morning. I must say that I am really afrad of taking AD's. I am not the medicine taking tyoe even though I may need them to get through this I am so afraid of becoming dependant on them. I have been such a fool to think that things will actually work out for us. My family has never been strong enough to withstand this A I don't think. I keep pushing my H further and further away and it is killing me to watch him leave. The truth of the matter is if I did even get a D it would haunt me daily because I love him. He says that he wants the arguing in front of the kids to stop. But I must do something for myself. I must refocus my anger into something positive but I don't know how to do that. I am tired of being the person that I am. I feel taht my delf esteem has really suffered because of this situation. I have not aken off all the weight from my last abby and am feeling pretty bad about myself eventhough men still try to approach me.

I don't see my H looking at me in that way and I feel so bad about it. H does make comments about it when we argue but I know that he really does mean it so it stays with me. He says that I am driving him crazy weiuth all the arguing and stuff. But it has become a part of me and I can't even stop it once I start. he claims this is why he is not home. My fear is that it will never end he even said in the argument last night that he does not even know why he married me if I was going to be like this. well I ask myself the same question daily about him.

I just think that we are not going to make it so I keep trying to push it so it will go away. I have asked him to let me go and move on but he won't do it. I am so afraid that he will not be the H that i need him to be that it is keeping me from being the wife and mother that he needs me to be. I am a lost case here and find that it may not really be helping me to get over this stuff. My bills are piling up on top of one another nad I feel myself drowning. H helps with the bills but it seems as though I can not manage a thing right now. everything is behind.

I will try to read and focus my strength on improving me but I don't have the faith right now to do it. I can not stand in the midst of this storm and know that it will be alright. I do not see it I do not see anything but darkness right now and I know that you all are tired of me repeating myself but it is bad!!!

I can not even really afford to continue with my counseling sessions right now and I need them the most!! I have no where to turn anymore I have exhausted myself to no end.

Well my H just called I am shocked we had a big fight last night I LB and so did he. He asked how the kids were this morning and I said not so good. He then asked how I was doing and I said that I was not good and that I was not happy. He said that he was going to try to get it straight for me and the kids, but I have a really hard time believing that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I told him that i finished washing for him and he could pick them up later. I am a little better now that he called but I am still the cause of most of my pain.


need guidance,

JT

#829409 06/24/04 11:36 AM
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Okay JT2

Take a deep breath and working on having a little faith in H-give him a chance. That is why I said that you need to get your anger under control to allow YOU to move forward.

I'm not a medicine type either but I'm OCD--and when things get rough I really get OCD and it was awful--I couldn't even let this whole big thing go--I was so focused on it and I LBed all the time that I helped drive him out the door.

My doctor gave me paxil which is used for both OCD and AD and it has worked wonders. I take the min. dosage every day and if I'm obsessing--which I really do easliy and I can tell it will be a bad day then I take two pills. You see I obsessed about OC and every waking moment I was with H before he moved back out--that is all I wanted to talk about--I couldn't let it go and even have one single enjoyable thought or action in my life.

That is why I encourage taking your medicine becausse I became a better person and happier and more care free and was able to better care for my son. I knew it was bad when my H said to me that I wanted him to stay but to take a look at myself and see how unhappy I was--how could it ever work he said.

You a strong but you will need help through this and I think that you could see a change in your H once you have changed.

#829410 06/24/04 11:52 AM
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(((((((((((((jt)))))))))))))
Hugs to you girl. Listen most of the AD's you cant get addicted to. Talk to your doc!!! Girl you have got to snap out! those babies need you !!! 1 & 2-1/2, lord girl how do you have time to do anything? They keep you busy I bet. I really don't know what we are exactly surpose to do? No theres not a "Here's what you do when your spouse has an A", book The Harleys guidelines are close to making you a stronger and better person, so you can work on your M. They don't fix your H! Put all of your work into those babies and you for awhile. Your covering your head and you got to get up and get things done!!! I know you love your H dearly and he will see that, eventually. So change yourself into the person you and god wants you to be. I know inside you person who is beautiful, strong, funny, and a pleasure to talk to. This I know is the person inside you !!!! You just have to let go of the anger and find her! Please try and let go of the anger. I don't really think the hurt of the A ever goes away, it just gets better with time. Time is really on you side if you will use it. Time to think, time to love those babies, time to heal, time will kill the anger. If you let the lord help you. I hope you are feeling better soon. I said a prayer for you, for the lord to lift your burden and show you the way. So cross your arms and sqeeze, see you just got a posting buddy hug!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

#829411 06/24/04 01:38 PM
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JT,

Sweetie, I don't know what else I can say to u other than to keep praying, God has not forgotten about u he sees your pain, but he also gave u those 2 precious little ones WHO NEED U, so u can't afford to check out.

As much as u seem to think u are driving your H away he hasn't gone yet, he proved that by calling u today even after the big blow out last nite, but u must know everyone has a breaking point & he will get there if u don't stop.

I already take meds daily so the thought of another pill to take daily stopped me from taking AD's but U need them, at least for a little while unitl u can calm down a bit. Do what u have to do to get thru this, but vent anger & scream here not at H & not in front of your babies.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT))))))))))))))))))))))))

#829412 06/25/04 12:02 AM
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Thank you ladies for the advice. I have read them and appreciate them fully. I will be going away for the weekend with the kids. I will not contact my H at all on this trip I want him to see just what it will be like without us. I have told him where i am going, but I am not going to leave a number this time. I know it will kill him to not be able to see the kids this weekend.

I need the break I just want to curl up and die. I don't even know how he thinks that he could make this better. I am ready to go away this weekend to get away from it all. I hope that i can enjoy every minute of it. please keep me in your prayers i need it as well as i will of you.

JT

#829413 06/25/04 08:41 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need the break I just want to curl up and die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been there, almost done that....Last November I was at that point, too. I know you're hearing from a lot of people to throw yourself into your kids - to pull yourself up if only for them. If you're like me, you wonder how the heck you can do that....but sweetie, it works. I started day by day. I made sure I hugged each of my little ones....I threw myself into them, and we're all better people for it. I got to the point where I had to conciously make the decision that the next breath would be for them, then the next one was, then the next one was.

You go on that trip and you BREATHE for those kids. You hug them close and talk about what their favorite flavor of ice cream is (even if you already know), talk about Shrek and Donkey and how icky that Dial soap commercial is with them in it. Smell their hair. Kiss their heads and smell their hair....it's the BEST medicine in the world.

Push thoughts of WH into a corner. Take your anti-d's. It'll make it a helluva lot easier to keep them in that corner if you do. If they rear their ugly heads, those thoughts, even if you have to say it out loud, give them to God, ask Him to please handle it for awhile, then MAKE yourself do something else or THINK something else. It's hard, but it works.

I hope you have the LOVELIEST time with your babies! I'll think of you all when I look at the stars tonight, and send up a flare prayer that you all are having a nice time.

- Kimmy

#829414 06/25/04 11:28 AM
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Jt, You probably won't even read this until next week if you are already gone.

BUT LISTEN UP GIRL---------you are DEPRESSED! You got the meds----so just take them. What is your alternative? Think of it that way. You keep living like THIS everyday (which is NOT normal by the way) or you take some med to get you through it & make you NORMAL.

How old is your youngest? Almost 2 or closer to 1? You could be having post partum depression too you know. It can show up anytime up to about 1 yr after baby is born.

That is what happen to me & then all this A/OC/C crap just intensified it even worse. I am telling you-----you are really choosing a dangerous situation here. Not only for you & your marriage but also for your jtbunch!

Look, if the Dr gave them to you.......they don't just hand those things out to whoever asks you know......the doc must have recognized the need.

I used to take them, I've mentioned before & I'm not now. It's not like it is forever. But it helped me to be NORMAL. You get so caught up in the madness that you forget what NORMAL is. The ad's take you back to that normal you again.

Some of this you are bringing on yourself by choosing some innappropriate actions. Only YOU can control YOU and you can ONLY control/change you and noone else. But the ad's help you recognize this.

I can't convince you but it's like you are sick, the doc gives you the medicine to help cure your sickness but you are refusing and wonder why you are still sick! DUH! No it wil not take this mess away but it does help you to cope w/ it better.

You know what to do w/ H. If you are angry every time he is near---then don't be near. When he comes to visit the jtbunch, then take a walk. CHOOSE this, start making good choices girl!

I remember how hard it was for me to do anything. I could not even function during the day. I knew the ktbunch needed me but......I could barely get up. I am a SAHM so I would sleep really late, barely get up & then have insomnia all night. I had thoughts racing through my mind all the time, uncontrollable. I could barely eat, I wasn't even hungry! But I was nursing a new baby......????.....I just kept the baby in bed w/ me too. I felt like I was insane & dying. Actually, I think I was.

I would have the most absurd thoughts & think they were normal.....???? (doesn't everybody think of slitting thier wrists while chopping carrots? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )TORTUOUS is the word I use to describe it. My poor ktbunch. So much time gets wasted & stolen from you.

When I started the ad's------(for me they took effect right away) it was like night & day! I think they saved me life----literally. I could deal w/ the situations like a normal person again. It was such a relief. My torture ended. I still had the upsetting problems but I was no longer CONSUMED by them. I could function, think straight & try to figure things out, not just be overwhelmed all the time.

It's not a magic pill but combined w/ all the other 'steps' I took, it really saved me.

I can't convince you jt but.......you should really think about this & decide what kind of life you want here. Your babies NEED you & they need you to be a functioning capable adult.

You have choices here, You can make them, it's like you are giving away all your own power by staying stuck in your own rut!

I am really sorry that you found yourself in this entire sitaution, created by the person you should have been able to trust the most in the whole world. I really am. And you KNOW I am sorry because I (most of us here) actually know the depth of your pain. It's not like I don't undersatnd & don't know what else to say. This is the worst situation in the world. yes. I have nothing else to compare it to. It hurts like he!! (@ least the closest I'll ever feel it). But I do know that it is not forever. I KNOW this because I have been there & back!

Because of that, I have no fear of what the future may bring now. I KNOW I will survive-whatever happens to me or my family.

I hope you have a really great weekend & are able to really think things through rationally & take some steps to make some positive changes in your life...whatever you feel those are.

#829415 06/25/04 11:56 AM
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JT (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) Now you have to get up and get going like KT said. Use and take the AD's they work. All of us are on them. This situation take sooo much out of you and just wears you out. Start taking care of you and those babies. Enjoy the weekend and try to put things behind you. The AD's will help. Oh and the post pardum stuff my gf had it til her child was almost 5 ! So there are more things going on in your body than you are awear of. BREATHE, and rest this weekend and if H calls, just let him talk to the kids and say good bye ! Im praying for you girl and let us know how the weekend went!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

#829416 06/26/04 12:13 AM
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JT

I am praying that u & yours have a wonderful weekend away from the madness. Love your babies & love yourself, take the med's & look at this as the 1st step of getting your life back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!

#829417 06/28/04 11:56 AM
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Hi Girls,

I had a really good time this weekend and really enjoyed being with my friend and her family. The kids really had a good time as well. They really enjoyed the wedding yet it was hard because I of course reflected on our wedding day and the mess we are in today. i still all in all had awonderful time. I did not call my H at all. I slept well and had minimal thoughts of the mess awaiting me at home.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We got back last night at about 8:30pm, my H came in about 15 minutes after us. He was extatic about seeing the kids. He said that he missed them so much and was glad they were home note he did not say anything about me. So I told him that he did not even call us to check on them and he said that I did not leave him a number but I figured that he would be creative and look on the invitaiton that was in the kitchen and call information for the number. Okay I was wrong, yet again. I LB about it and left it alone. I know that I am stressed enough right now. He then took my son to Wal-Mart to buy groceries for the house and picked up some pampers for the baby. (15 months) He bought them toys also - I wonder if that was a bribe?

I love him so til it hurts. He got angry because I am taking the baby off of the pacifier this week and she cried terribly. He even went to get her out of the crib and I told him no to leave her she'll be okay so we LB a little. I then went onto watch some TV, and he came into the den and wanted me to quiz him on his state licensing test. I did it. I quized him and he then asked me where I was taking him to dinner once he passed and I said what do I get in return? He then went into the bedroom and laid across the bed. I then went on to get ready for bed. I got in the bed and went to sleep.

Oh yeah and while I was quizing him he made the comment to my son that he was staying at home, and he did. I woke up this morning in my husband's arms. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am going to try and make this a positive day and step in my life my devotion was good this morning and I am feeling good so keep praying for me. Oh yeah my H made sure that I did not leave this weekend without us doing the bedtime mambo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But What does that mean?

JT

#829418 06/29/04 12:19 AM
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YES!

Good for you JT2-so happy for you!

Maybe your H is coming out of the fog like mine.

Gotta run--processing payroll for 250 employees and doing month-end closing.

Again just wanted to say how happy I am for these baby steps as I call them--don't forget about your AD's.

#829419 06/29/04 12:23 AM
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That bedtime mambo thing was him "marking his territory." Men! Sheesh! I'm sorry but I LOLed on that one.

Got a hint about taking the baby off the nippy. If you are like we were you have a dozen hidden in the house...well leave them where she can find them, but cut a hole in the end of each one. She'll bring it to you and you can tell her it's broken and to please put it in the trash. Worked like a charm on my two youngest. It's all about giving them the power to throw it away.

- Kimmy

#829420 06/28/04 01:21 PM
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JT,

Things are looking better for you, no? I pray for you & think of you most I think, so happy to hear some good news from you.

R u taking the AD's yet? They will help you I am sure to not LB at all hopefully. I pray that your H is realizing that u & his babies are most important & that he will soon be home so u can wake up in his arms everyday, the way God intended! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#829421 06/28/04 01:32 PM
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thanks girls,

i hope you all are right. I hope my h does come hoem soon enough. I just told him last week that i can not be positive when he is still out of the house and OW is due soon. He told me that he was going to fix things but I do not see how. I think he is waiting until this child is born before he makes a solid move in the right direction. He says he's not home because of the fighting we do but I am going to get that unercontrol. I just don't if I can wait to see if he's going to stand beside her or not. He swears that he is going to make our family work but i find it hard to believe. But on the positive not I am feeling good today and wish that everyone has a good day today and I'll keep you posted.

One thing is that I never worry if he's coming home at night he is there even earlier that he did when he was living there. It is just hard to see him go - I think it is more so because I am the reason he is not at home. But keep praying for me as I look to God for guidance.

and Thank all of oyu for supporting me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


JT

#829422 06/28/04 02:04 PM
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Hi JT2,

I am so glad things are getting better for you. I had an anger spell this weekend. But I needed to get the anger out. We are OK.

#829423 06/29/04 11:07 AM
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Okay ladies I am a little scared here. My H has spent the night with us two nights in a row. I did not ask him to stay he just has. He has played with the children in the morning and helped get them ready for daycare. I don't know what is going on but I like it. I am afraid to be happy almost I am waiting for the bottom to fall out or the next big bomb to drop on me and the kids. I hope this is the will of god and not his guilty conscience. i need and want him to be with us but not at the cost of something else going on. I hope he is realizing that he needs to be home with us.

JT

#829424 06/29/04 11:25 AM
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JT

That is such great news! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stay positive girl, don't let the enemy put any doubts in your head, God is working on H showing him that home is where he needs to be.

Prayer works!!!!

#829425 06/30/04 12:30 AM
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Yeah! Our H's are doing great. Keep up the good work and positive thoughts. It is a little scary isn't it.

#829426 06/30/04 12:44 AM
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Yes it is scary. The last time I thought we were making real progress and he was headed back home is when I found out that OW was pg. and that he was living with her while staying over all the time with me and the kids. I just hope that this is not what is going on and he realizes that he needs to be with his family. He has stated that he wants his family with me but really he is so confused he has not even made any decisions on what he is going to do about this girl and this baby.

I do know that if he wants to have contact I can not stay in this marriage. I will not allow my children to grow up subjected to what daddy has done nor will I live knowing that he is spending time with another fmaily. I lived it with my grandfather doin it to my mother and us. I will not allow that pain to settle in my kids lives I can't. Plus I do not want to have to look over my shoulder everytime the phone rings or the doorbell rings. I need some answers and I need them Quickly.

The thing is my H knows first hand the pain of Daddy cheating on mommy and having outside kids. His father did it and forgot all about them. Moved OW in and Raised their children. Did not even acknowledge my H and his siblings (5 Total). Just moved OW in and put his wife and kids out!!

So this should be a sore spot with him so we'll see how he handles it?

I don't know? But I am scared! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Back to the positive: H must have really missed us HUH?

JT

#829427 06/30/04 08:54 AM
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Hi JT2,

I feel sad for you for the uncertainty you are feeling. Sad that your husband went through that kind of pain as a child. I really think you should pray and put this in God's hands. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is too big for you. God can work on your husbands heart so he does not cause you and your children the same pain He and his Mom, and other siblings felt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Hugs. On the positive note I am happy that your husband is staying with you but I can understand how scary this is for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#829428 06/30/04 01:42 PM
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Thank you for the kind sentiment. I need it. Well I awoke again this morning to his face, but I am still afraid to be happy about it because I continue to look behind me. I hope he is rearing to come by testing the waters, but who knows it is just to hard. I can not live in the pain of what is now my life. I have enjoyed these few day tremendously and so have the kids. They need to see us together as a family bonding and loving each other.

I did LB just a little bit this morning after I received a pone call from a pay phone - when I answered they hung up the phone. so I asked him if he possibly knew who it was and why was I getting these hang up calls.

He said he did not know but I pushed and it turned into an arguement. So that was not good on my part because of course it ends up with D talk on both sides and I am tired of it.

He left for work and i did the same with the kids getting off to daycare. What will become of us I wonder? Is this right? Is this how it is suppose to be? Should I wait? What?

Don't know - just know I love him Still!!

JT

#829429 06/30/04 01:53 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said he did not know but I pushed and it turned into an arguement. So that was not good on my part because of course it ends up with D talk on both sides and I am tired of it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT, don't fall into that trap, things r going well, can u call him & maybe say something sweet to him so that he wants to come home again tonite & stay. Just a thought.

U r on a positive streak don't blow it w/ LB's!!!

Remember Be a Lighthouse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#829430 06/30/04 02:16 PM
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i'll try He called me shortly after he left the house because he forgot to give me money for gas for my truck (SUV). I said that I didn't have any so he said he'll get it later.

I was nice but I don't know if it worked. I am so atupid and I let the devil ruin a perfectly good morning every time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am just weak and can't get out of it.

JT

#829431 06/30/04 02:29 PM
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Can I ask, JT, and you can TOTALLY tell me to mind my own effing business, but are you still taking your anti-d's? I know when I first came on these boards you were just beginning to or toying with the idea....anywho....take them! They will SO help you be able to keep your cool....Oh, and I've got a totally wicked trick I do on dh now - that WORKS - it was so hard at first, but instead of my knee jerk lbing, I'd ask a question of him that made him feel like he was "helping" me. Like instead of asking who could've been making those calls ('cause you and I both know who WE think are making those calls), tell him that the calls have been inconveniencing you, and does he know if it's possible to put a call block on a pay phone number. See? You're not blaming him per sey, and he FEELS like he might be able to help you solve this issue. Men LOVE to solve things. It's hardwired in.

- Kimmy

#829432 07/01/04 11:41 AM
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JT, Hey girl. How are you doing with the anger issues? Are you feeling better about them? I know its so hard. But you are going to have to stop the LB'ing. BREATHE! And when fire is coming out. BREATHE, until its gone. DONT say anything, until the fire breathing is gone! The ad's really do help. You have to take them and take them like it saids. But if they are making u feel funny tell your Dr. Shout at u in a while.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

#829433 07/01/04 11:57 AM
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Okay,

All good things must come to an end. I have yet to understand why I do some of the things that I do. We had out of town visitors to spend the night with us on last night and of course this is the night that my H does not call or show up until after the kids and everyone else has gone to bed. My best friend that I visited this weekend was one of the guest ( of course she already knows what is going on, but another friend came and they do not). So needless to say it was very embarassing to me that he was not there or at least at a decent hour.

H came in at about 11:30pm and sat down stairs talking to my best friend which was fine because she will be honest with him and give good advice even when I don't want to hear it she'll give it impartially. She is a social worker so she knows the way children grow up in the system and relates to my H thought patterns sice he is a product of the system.

I have been handling this whole thing all wrong but I let my fear of what could happen cloud my future. I can not get past the pain that he has caused me and can't go forward because of that. I look at everythiong as a plot against me and I feel that it is consuming me. when he did come upstairs after talking to her for about an hour. He came to tell me that he was not going to stay he had some things that he needed to do. He then proceeded to kiss me and give me a bracelet that he bought to match the necklace he gave me on Mother's day. It was nice but I didn't even look at that I just honed in on the fact that he was not going to stay.

Of course I did it it just came out of my mouth with the brillient force that it has. I told him that I was tired of playing M and that I wanted out of this sham. I did not think it was good for the kids and I wanted to be free of the pain. I took this argument on outside to his car and did not let it go. I can't take anymore of this.

My friend, no my best freind then talked to me about what they discussed. She said that he told her that he did want to be with me and that he loved me and the kids, but needed to get things straightened out first. i have a very hard time dealing with that because I am not in control of the situation. She told me that I did put him out and gave him the freedom to roam around with no boundaries, plus in his mind he has been trown out one way pr anopther all of his life so he took it in stride and found someone that he thought he could love or give him the love that he so wants. Well that may be true but I don't know if I have anything else to give. I have supported him financially to the fullest and have had two beautiful children and now I am suppose to just let everything go and have his OC (if it is his) ans OW wreck that. I don't think So!!!

When I woke up this morning I turned on the TV and I swear this same mornign worship service ( not playing on a religious channel I must add) was talking about LOVE and FORGIVENESS!!! I have seen this same program every morning after I have had a bad night and find myself wanting to just sign the dam* papers. It is like a plague that is following me. I can not shake it. It has been on I know about ten times already. Sometimes I wonder if it is just playing on my TV.

I am a hopeless case and see no reason to even go there. I am tired of it all. I will talk to you all later - I also think that I will stop giving advice since I can't even follow any. I guess I am such a hypecrite!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just thought you all should know this!!

JT

#829434 07/02/04 12:22 AM
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No your not. Things are so much easier said than done! Believe me. My mouth was bad! I would spit and spat about everything and knew what to say just to pe-o him! Words cut and you cant take them back. Oh you can say I didn't mean it, but the scar is still there. I have really learned alot since Jan. and learning more everyday. i thought when we where split "I don't even know the man I M". And guess what, I didn't. I didn't try to know him or his feelings. Now I want to know. Most of the time when we talk about Ow or I ask, I start out w/ you know I love you and you know I'm supporting you, I need to know this or that. Just like this morning. "C" is going to the doc, and I called and asked him, Do you feel like you need to go? Or do you want to. And be honest, I'm not mad or upset, just feel I had to ask. And he said no, didn't want to didn't need to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He went to the hospital last night, I was invited, he told her I was coming and she was ok w/ it. But I couldn't go. I didn't want her to get upset and something happen.
But he did put me first and was honest about everything. And rushed back home as soon as he knew the baby was ok. Called several times, ect. But the fact is, when this started, I would have NEVER done that. It takes work, you have to want it, he has to want it and both have to work at meeting in the middle. Good luck JT and I am praying for you. (((((JT))))))))
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#829435 07/02/04 12:27 AM
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Hi JT2,

UUrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!

Power just knocked computor off after I had everything typed the way I wanted it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway here goes again. I completely understand the anger thing. I was right with you last night. Husband was acting like a three year old, name calling. I had anger and rage to the point where I just wanted to kill him and get it over with. Just kidding, I would never kill anybody unless my life or kids life were threatened.
Anyhow, I am thinking. What if your husband finally means it that he will cut ties with OW? Your noble values evidently are not his. I am so sorry that he just thought you released him to do as he pleased. I guess still fog thinking. What if he is finally coming out of the fog? Just a thought. I just think his timeing is off. I think it was very cruel of him to spend a couple nights with you to get your hopes up and then let you down like this. He should have cut all ties before coming back to you in the first place. And the gift, that was like a slap in the face, like a gift was suppose to make it all better. JT2, I feel for you girl. I think I would be ready to kill him but it is only thoughts because I do not know if I could kill anybody. Anyhow if you really think he is ready to do the right thing then maybe there is hope after all.

#829436 07/01/04 03:28 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a hopeless case and see no reason to even go there. I am tired of it all. I will talk to you all later - I also think that I will stop giving advice since I can't even follow any. I guess I am such a hypecrite!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh sweetie...you are so....ME in the beginning. Don't you worry about hypocrosy....this thing you're going through - well, YOU have to feel your way through. What worked for you yesterday might make your skin crawl today. Baby steps here. And we are here. We'll listen and we'll lift you if you need help. The BEST part is, we UNDERSTAND your anxiety and frusteration.

Whatever you need, holler it at us.

- Kimmy

#829437 07/02/04 09:25 AM
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Hi JT2,

Are you OK? I am concerned for you.

#829438 07/02/04 11:17 AM
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Hi girls I am doing tolerable I guess - so don't worry much. I am here and still fighting the toughest battle of my life. One thing I don't think my H understands is that if this is his baby I will have to live with this anxiety for the rest of my life. I am not sure I can live with that I don't think that I want to. Always wondering if he will rekindles something with her or if he'll run to her if he's feeling neglected at home.

I can not do it - that is a miserable way to live and it scares me to even be in this situation. I wish it would just not be his - but that may be stretching things to much. I will talk to you all later not a good day for me the unkown is killing me.

JT

#829439 07/02/04 01:10 PM
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Let me assure you that you will NOT live w/ the anxiety for the rest of your life unless you want too!

It will pass w/ time. What you will live w/ is the memory but even that will fade.

I am one of many that are living breathing proof that you will survive this.

I have NO doubt in my mind that H will NEVER stray again & certainly not w/ OW! She is such an idiot I find absolutely NO threat in her. She is soooooo BENEATH me it is not even funny! She can't even begin to compare w/ me.

And I bet you are so much more than her too. I know you are. Even w/ the struggles you and H are going through right this minute where was he the other nights? In YOUR bed w/ YOU. Was he w/ OW? NO. If he wanted to be w/ her--he would. SO what? You can't control him. You did not force him to be w/ you the other night----he CHOSE YOU!

When you guys get back together and if C w/ OC is chosen, it will not be easy but it will be doable.

The way to feel secure is him making you secure. The way for him to make you secure in your marriage is you trusting him. It's a 2 way street. You will both have to work very hard @ first to get yourselves back to that place. But when your love bank is full------there is not doubt, insecurity or anxiety anymore. It's about meeting each other's needs.

When I start to feel doubt or something like that I examine what is gong on & I usually find that H & I have not had enough time toghether.

Don't be hopeless. Think rationally here. This anxiety you speak of will not be forever. Once you are back together & have the security of him being fully committed to you, family & marraige by living @ home, there will be lingering affects but they will fade & all will be restored.

I promise. I know you are hurting & soooooo beyond frustrated. Keep the faith & hang in there. It will not be forever.

You can do this. I know you can. You ahe come this far!
***********
***********
Did H give a reason for NOT continuing to stay the night? WTHEck? Did you tell him how enjoyable it was to have him back home? How much better the kids were for it?

#829440 07/02/04 01:55 PM
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No KT I did not thank him for staying over. I immediately got angry because he did not continue to do so. I think that I am not appreciative enough for him, but I do appreciate it. I have just been such a strong woman and have always had to be I am the only girl in a family of boys. So I am not as apprehensive about some things or even as soft about somethings as I should be. It is hard for me to show him that I need him becuse I a not use to needing anyone; I have never allowed myslef to need anyone. Now it is not just me and I need him for the kids and for myself.

He needs to be needed and appreciated a lot, but I see things as being what H are suppose to do and don't praise him for anything, and now when I do he does not know how to take it. He immediately jumps on the defense - so why bother with it. I am just going to get my heart right and move on - if he joins me so be it if not so be it!!

I know that he loves me just getting past this is the problem and now I am insecure about myself when it comes to him. Do I measure up, I'm a little heavier since the baby, so am I attractive? Things like that keep me feeling inferior to OW eventhough I have no clue what she looks like - ButI know my H!!

He keeps trying to say that I am going to cheat to get him back, but I am beyond that because it does not help anyhting. It won't even help me because I love him and only want him touching me or even talking to me. It's like he's waiting on me to do it so he can say I told yoi so. The bottom line is I did not and was not taking care of my man at home and he went elsewhere - And that bothers me.

KT I hope we make it!

JT

#829441 07/02/04 03:53 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just going to get my heart right and move on - if he joins me so be it if not so be it!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY! That's EXACTLY the mindset you've got to have. I told dh straight out that I was tired of the fear of him leaving or re-cheating, and I was tired of me not being able to get on. I told him the family train is going on a trip of fun and living and he could either be on it or not...either way, it's pulling out of the station with the kids and I on it. Told him I'd be sad if he didn't stay, but I'm not going to quit breathing over it.... Guess what? He stayed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that he loves me just getting past this is the problem and now I am insecure about myself when it comes to him. Do I measure up, I'm a little heavier since the baby, so am I attractive? Things like that keep me feeling inferior to OW eventhough I have no clue what she looks like - ButI know my H!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a toughie - and it's something that HE can't help you with. YOU'VE got to get to a point where you're okay with yourself. Do you take ANY time for just you? You need to. Spa, join Curves - anything....shoot, go get a pedi. They are magic in themselves! If you do one thing a week for YOU, you'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel....but YOU have to be proactive on this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He keeps trying to say that I am going to cheat to get him back, but I am beyond that because it does not help anyhting. It won't even help me because I love him and only want him touching me or even talking to me. It's like he's waiting on me to do it so he can say I told yoi so. The bottom line is I did not and was not taking care of my man at home and he went elsewhere - And that bothers me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dh said the same thing. Every time he said it, it killed me inside. To this day, I consider every guy I was ever "with" before him a collisal (sp?) waste of time. This knee jerk reaction and fear of you cheating is HIS problem and not yours. He is SO gonna have to work that out for himself! If you keep on trying, though and SHOW him you care, his fears will dissapate.

Lastly,

You told Genia to relax and try to have a great Holiday. You, my dear, need to heed your own great advice.

Love,
- Kimmy

#829442 07/06/04 01:09 PM
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I live in constant fear of what could've been, what sould be, where we should be, and why it is not, where is it going, what happened to it all, who is to blame for it, what do we do about it, why are my kids hurting, how do I help them get through it, how do I get through it, How do I handle the pain, and how do we get past it?

These are the days of my life!!! These are the questons that I want answers to. These are the things that keep me from moving forward. I want the answers but am getting no where. I have decided to label myself a LOSER, and get on with my life. I am unhappy and will not find happiness with all these unanswered questons hanging over my head and around my neck like some kind of harness. What will it be? Just thinking about ME!!!

JT

#829443 07/12/04 04:27 PM
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Hi ALL,

I have been gone for a few days and have not had time to post, but i wanted to say that today has been a good day. I have been feeling good since I got up this morning so that's a blessing. I wanted to say that I am giving it all to GOD and whatever happens it will be his will. Fighting it only prolongs the inevitable. So here goes nothing or everything?

H still constantly talks about what we are going to do in the future like we have one so what do I do with that? Do I dare hope that he is telling the truth to me and himself? I must admit when I don't act ugly to him the time we spend together is great. One big happy family.

What do ya think?

JT

#829444 07/12/04 05:19 PM
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That makes me want to bang my head against the wall--my H is still planning things-even as today as us being together but yet he is saying he doesn't know--not happy etc. I didn't ask for almost three weeks and then he offered up the latest to me--wants to be their, wants it to work but isn't happy anywhere. AD is right my H needs to find some inner peace with his life.

JT2~hang in their our H's sound very much alike.

#829445 07/14/04 12:36 AM
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You know what Albnay - my H has stated that he really wants to be with his family and I am trying to have some faith in that. but time will only tell. He knows how I feel about OW/OC and that I will not live with C with that family at all. So we will see. I think that C will cause to many problems not only for me but my kids as well. I stick to that decision and he will have to sdtick with what ever decision that he makes about it. I will not live my life interupted by OW/OC on no terms. I can not have a family like that. I lived it with my grandfather doing it to my mother and her siblings and I know the aftermath that it caused to each one of them. It does take effect on the children regardless of what some may think. They do grow up with insecurities and instabilities. They may even become incapable of trusdting or even having lasting friendships and relationships. I am not willing to sacrafice the happiness, health and well being of my children to the fact that H is having another baby by someone else. I have seen the aftermath and what it can do to kids, even teens. I will protect them as long as I can. I am not saying that C can not work but I don't want that for my life nor my childrens.

Ultimately I have to be able to live a happy life and so do they. The choice is his to make. I have stated what I can live with and now he has to search deep and find out what he can live with. He is the one who has the choice to make. I will try to be patient and wait for now but I will not wait forever or even another year.

JT

#829446 07/14/04 12:45 AM
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I so understand what you mean. My husband is planning on C but MIL says that will fizzle out. He has very little contact with his other kids. MIL says after newness of baby wears off his C will fizzle down. She keeps assuring that her son is not planning on leaving me. It is just so hard when husbands takes us for granted. I am so glad your husband knows where you are coming from concerning no contact. I really was shocked at first that my husband was not angry with OW for purposely getting herself pregnant to manipulate my husband.

#829447 07/15/04 02:44 PM
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hi girls,

wanted to give an update on my life story. boy aren't you tired of these life updates? Well I had lunch with H on yesterday afternoon. It was very good I enjoyed his company as he said he did as well. When we returned to my office we sat in the car a minute and talked briefly, he thanked me for having lunch with him, and I thanked him for taking me. He leaned in and asked for a kiss, so i abliged. I then looked up on his visor and saw some papers and a picture. I reached up to get it and it was a picture of our daughter; however I then saw another picture of someone else with another background. I knew that I had not taken any pictures of the kids nor myself with that color backdrop.

So I reached again while asking him who that picture was of, he then immediately got defensive and grabbed the stuff in the visor. He proceeded to ask me to get out of the car. I would not leave whil I of course started LB,but not as bad as usual. He refused to show me the photo I accused him of having a photo of the OW. He claimed that I did not know what I was talking about and proceeded to ask me to get out of the car. He said that he did not have to prove anything to me and I said that he did. He was the one that broke the vows and the trust that I had in him and it was up to him to gain it back. So indeed he did need to prove it!!


He got so mad and said that he was not going to live like this. He yelled and said that this was exactly why he hadn't moved back home. Then he threw the photo at me and it was a school picture of my stepson ( you know the ones with that horrid brownish gray background). i was in shock and felt like such a fool. But then I always do.

I just got up and got out of the car. I want him so until I might be driving him crazy just like he says.

Later on I called and apologized and just hung up the phone. My best friend was in town again on business so I was hurrying home to meet her. when she got there I'd cooked dinner and fed the kids so I was ready to see her. Still in awe about what happened earlier I tried to put it out of my mind. She rang the bell and I opened the garage for her to come in, well I mmediately pushed the button to close the garage. we wlked inside and as I closed the door I heard the garage door opening again, I thought something was wrong but it was not it was my H.

He had a hand full of WalMart bags in his hands. he'd come home for dinner just as he does everyday. Since I had company I was busy changing the guest bed and sprucing up the piles of toys all over. he went in and put the groceries away and ate dinner. We all then watched some new dvds he'd purchased. we laughed and talked. He then went upstairs with the kids - he took them outside and shot a couple of hoops. So I then went outside with them and played for a little while until he got tired. He then walked with the kids to our neighbors house and talked for a while.

When he came back in he gave the kids their baths, put on pj's and put them to bed. He then came back downstairs with us to watch another movie. We all talked and then we (H & I) went upstairs. He then told me that he loved me and asked if I loved him ( all while holding me close in his arms) and said that he had a good time tonight. He loved the dinner and the time we spent as a family. He asked if we could do it again tonight (Thurs). I said yes, of course.

How do you trust again? That is my problem and I am a paranoid mess! Okay don't beat me down just let me in on it!

Does he love me?
JT

#829448 07/15/04 02:51 PM
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Okay JT. I'm crying here. I was so you........


YES! He loves you. He's trying his darndest! Oh, you love him so much, too!

Take your man...he's offering himself up! Get it girl! I'm so happy for you.

As for trust - well, don't trust for now. Just don't. It'll come. But set it aside - give to God, if you can. He'll hold your trust for you till it's time to get it back. Allow yourself to love him, but just set the trust aside for awhile. You both LB, and that hurts trust on both sides.....

Hugs!

- Kimmy

#829449 07/15/04 03:25 PM
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JT,

I agree w/ Kimmy - don't trust but more importantly don't accuse!

Can't tell u how often I have & felt like a fool.

Your H is trying, u need to meet him half way, he created this mess but he has a lot to deal with too & they tend to be a bit slower than us in handling & cleaning up their messes.

Patience, my dear patience! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#829450 07/15/04 04:06 PM
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okay girls,

I hear what you are saying but I forgot to tell you even after all that love he still left and went to where he's living. But that did not change the feelings. I did not even get angry about it. I am just anticipating the time that we will spend together this evening. I am afraid of rejection which is normal I guess , but I feel like mine is intensified by 1 million. i am just afraid that if he is not home before this baby is born he will not make it back to us. Fear leads me daily. and it grows as her due date draws near. i don't know for sure if she is not trying to get him back. i can not trust him when he says that he has not spoken with her. What if he's lying to me again? I will not be able to handle it.

You are right about one thing I never thought I would be the person to even stick around during some [censored] like this!@#$%. but I have because I love him it is not even solely because we have kids - I love him like I have never loved anyone before. I am not perfect by any means, but i just am not sure if i see us making it through this. is your life really better once you make it through this. all i can see is black - doom and gloom for the rest of my life because of this situation. I know that he is hurting but he wants to do right by everyone and that just is not possible - someone will have to be slighted. The decision is who exactly do you want that to be. i'd rather know upfront if i need to move on not later and find that I had wasted time and enrgy on someone that never had any intention on making things right with his wife.

I feel like the second class citizen even with all the loving little gestures - it doesn't change that fact and him not being at home even intensifies it. So ladies, I just may be the dumbest thing going these days.

JT

#829451 07/15/04 07:57 PM
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ERGHHH! JT, I also recognize all paranoia. I was there......probably even just last year & it still rears it's ugly head sometimes.

But I have come to realize that........it is a choice to trust & it takes time. I put my faith & trust in God not my H. We are all capable of this. I think it was Dr. Harley that wrote you should NOT trust your spouse. For their protection as well as ours.

But like kimmy said, no need to accuse. It is boundaries that keep us safe from danger that is all around us.

If His late but hasn't called I still call him & CALMLY ask where he is. He usually does call though so he has put int he effort to rebuild my trust in him but knows that part of it will always be there.

I always jump to conclusions but I keep my thoughts in check.

The reality is that you cannot control your H actions or whereabouts. You cannot possibly be w/ him 24 hours a day so......what do you do? You put boundaries that will help you feel better about the situation.

For example, like H checking in when he is gonna be late. It's possible that he is not even @ work, I don't really know but he has put in the effort to make me feel secure so I CHOOSE to believe him.

ANd don't feel dumb...after what you have been through------of course you are gonna jump to conclusions.

HAve you told your H how far it would go in you trusting him & feeling secure in your relationship if he was actually LIVING @ home?

Explain to him that you NEED his help, he needs to help you feel secure enough in your relationship that you can begin to open your heart & trust again.

Hope you are having a great night tonight & get more than kisses. Would H stay the night if it ended in bed? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just an idea? But seriously, he is YOUR H after all. Your allowed to have sex w/ him. Tell him you are willing to have sex everynight that he stay over.......think he'd want to go back to his apt w/ that on the line? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

#829452 07/15/04 10:06 PM
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Mine would be fine without it right now--doesn't want to have sex and he isn't getting it somewhere else I don't think--last year when he was he stilled wanted it from me but not the lst few weeks when he was home.

#829453 07/16/04 08:43 AM
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Hi JT2,

Mine is weird like that too. He wanted sex from me when he was cheating unbeknown to me. When I discovered affair he wanted sex less. I think it is something about them getting two women at the same time turns them on. Sick. Thought makes me wanna puck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

#829454 07/21/04 11:20 AM
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How goes it JT2?

#829455 07/21/04 11:40 AM
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Hi albany,

you won't believe that I posted a very uplifting post only to find that I was not logged in. To make the story short I would like to say that I fell like a different person. I have asked the Lord to change me. I am at peace I think. I pray that my M works, but I am feeling the peace from above. I am not going to LB anymore I am going to let the Lord do his work.

So just keep praying for me.

JT

#829456 07/21/04 11:53 AM
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I will keep praying for you girl! I hope for the best and hope it works out (M). You deserve it.

#829457 07/21/04 11:53 AM
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Hi JT2,

I am trying to find peace too with all this chaos around me. Let God work the answer to our problems. Sorry about my prior post. I went back and read and realized I did not read everything or I would have made other comments. Anyhow I hope you get results you hope for this weekend concerning PI.

#829458 07/22/04 11:55 AM
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How goes it today JT2?? H stayed again last night--yours is where mine was a week or two ago--can they not stay in one place for any longer?

#829459 07/23/04 12:28 AM
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Hi Albany,

It is good to hear from you. I am trying to get past all this mess. My H is probably only staying so much now because we have my stepson for a month ( his visitaion time). But H still comes and goes as he pleases and really doesn't even expect me to ask him about it. I feel so used sometimes that it is unbareable. With whatever info the PI gives me then I know what I will have to do next plus OW is due in two weeks so that will be interesting to see what H does. I know it will not be good so.

I just think I better get a grip and move on with my life. It does not seem that he is going to come home and I am tired of extending that ionvite to him. I will not do it again, nor will I continue to wait for him. He says that I complain about the same things over and over, but I don't. Now I think this is an excuse. So why don't they ever just go on about there business and leave their wives alone if they don't want them?

I keep asking myself this question and am not coming up with any good answers. But I continue to pray and see what happens.

either way I will probably be sad.

JT

#829460 07/22/04 01:30 PM
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JT,

So sorry that H is not acting any better. He still didn't tell U where he lives?

Maybe U could try doing some or all of the 180's along w/ Plan A. If U need the list I will get it 4 U.

U R in my prayers, sweetie.

#829461 07/22/04 01:34 PM
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180's are working wonders for me right now and have worked in the past but I need to do them for longer--I always let up on them to soon.

I'm making my H do all the calling and not saying I love you--said that way too much and never get it in return--done with that.

Please try the 180's JT2--I see such hope for you and I wish your H would pull his head out.

#829462 07/24/04 12:22 AM
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Okay I need the 180 list girls. i don't know if it will help me any because I am at the end of my rope. I am worried about what the PI's report will tell me about my H where abouts. If he's still lying to me ladies then I will probably just curl up and die. I have the least amount of self esteem at this point and have constant stomach pains and queeziness. H has been home, but something comes up all the time and he goes out only to return later that night. I have just about had it. H claims that I am pushing him away because of all the talking and rpeating myself and questions, but hey I am not getting any answers. I mean not one single answer!!

He acts like he is doing me some kind of favor sometimes. I think that this might be to much for him to handle. I don't think that he probably wants to be the H that I need or want.

I am alone and at a loss. I will try the 180's and try to keep my mouth shut and just go on.

Keep praying for me,

JT

#829463 07/24/04 12:35 AM
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JT,


Sweetie I am so sorry U R not getting answers from H, I hope U do soon & I PRAY the PI doesn't confirm your worst fears, but JT even if he does U will get thru it, U R a strong woman & he that is in U is greater than he that is in the world,- don't 4get that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He acts like he is doing me some kind of favor sometimes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't tell U how many times I have felt this way & told H that 2. It is so frustrating the way they act sometimes. Keep praying, I will 2.

Here U go I hope this helps -

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead orimplore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes his feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

#829464 07/24/04 12:36 AM
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BBGY~you were too fast for me--but JT I think these will help. Praying for you.

#829465 07/27/04 12:42 AM
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Well ladies the questions are answered. My H has still been involved with her. PI has confirmed that he does live with her after leaving me and the children at home. I got a call at 2:30am this morning from my attny - stating that he was at her house then. He'd left our home at 12:30am to get som clothes and was going to come back in a minute so he said.

My gut fellings were right all along. OW was not lying she was telling the truth. My question for her is still why is she around if she knows that he is with me most of the time and paying bills at our home. I just don't know? But I do know that when I left him a voice mail at 6:30am stating that I knew he was over there I also gave him her address to let him know that I was not exaggerating about knowing.

I am numb really. It took my breathe away at first but I just sucked it up and left it alone. I have not slept at all last night. I am not even angry anymore. Do you beleive that he still is denying it. He says that he was not there.

I don't think that I will ever be able to trust him to any degree anymore, plus I don't want my children to endure this anymore than they have to. If daddy is where he wants to be we will leave him there. I do not want to continue in a marriage where it is one sided. He does not show any affection towards me, nothing. I am probably going to file for D later this week. I am thankful I got this news after he gave me the mortgage money (ha ha). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So I probably will not be on here to much longer I have decided to put my weary heart to rest and move on with my life. Oh I did tell him when he called me back at 10:11am that I wanted him to be happy and if being with her makes him happy then he needed to do it. All I want is for him to be happy.

So whatcha think about all of this? please everyone chime in!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JT

#829466 07/26/04 01:00 PM
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Just want to give you a big hug--what an A**HOLE!

So sorry--I'm not of a tend of help right now except to say you do what you need to do. Sorry, my own issues are consumming me--I pray for you and your children.

JT2~we are always here to listen.

#829467 07/26/04 03:16 PM
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I second the A*hole comment. I'd up it to WORLD CLASS A*Hole without ANY class!

Whatever. You whatever him to death if you have to - but fall into getting yourself some peace hon. You've damned well earned it, and he damned well blew it!

Please re-think about not posting - unless it just hurts too much. Your insight would be valuable to helping others, I think and you would be a beacon in someone else's dark times.

HUGS! It's gonna get better. YOU DID NOT BLOW THIS. HE DID. There is something better for you around the pike!

- Kimmy

#829468 07/26/04 03:33 PM
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JT,

I am so so so sorry about your news & I am mad for you that H chose to lie to you about such a major piece of information. I can't really advise you as to what to do at this point, only you know what you are willing to deal with at this point.

Just focusing on MY own experience if I were you I would Plan B instead of rushing into a divorce, but a real plan b with no contact what so ever if that is possible for you to do. Let him see what his life will be like without you in it & if he still refuses to end the A with OW then you know you have tried to make your M work.

Again I am so sorry H is putting you & your kids thru this bull*&#! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Praying really hard for you sweetie.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

#829469 07/26/04 03:34 PM
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JT,

I am so so so sorry about your news & I am mad for you that H chose to lie to you about such a major piece of information. I can't really advise you as to what to do at this point, only you know what you are willing to deal with at this point.

Just focusing on MY own experience if I were you I would Plan B instead of rushing into a divorce, but a real plan b with no contact what so ever if that is possible for you to do. Let him see what his life will be like without you in it & if he still refuses to end the A with OW then you know you have tried to make your M work.

Again I am so sorry H is putting you & your kids thru this bull*&#! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Praying really hard for you sweetie.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

#829470 07/26/04 08:19 PM
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Hi JT2,

I read your post earlier and tried to post but it would not go through and then I got kicked off. Sorry. I feel so bad for you. I know it hurts like heck. Your husband kept blaming you for not coming home and all along it was his excuse to keep cake eating. I am so so sorry. I wish you guidance to do the right thing and I hope you do visit us every now and then.

{{{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}}}}

#829471 07/26/04 09:59 PM
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JT - So sorry that this is happening to you! Time for you to decide what is best for JT. You know that you have done everything possible to save your M. Find peace in that and know that you are a remarkable and strong woman to make it this far. So many would have given up long ago.

That said, I do agree with BG that maybe you ought to try Plan B for awhile at least. Let the emotion of the moment settle and take the time while you are in Plan B to think through your options. There is always time for a D later.

How did your H react to the news you knew the OW's address and that that is where he is staying? It just might be enough to burst his fantasy bubble. If he is truly faced with losing his family, who knows what he might do?

It is all up to you. If you have had enough, then you know we will all support you. Just please take your time with any decision. Don't jump into a decision based on the raw emotions of the moment. Pray for strength and guidance. God is always there for you. He will not forsake you. At this point, He is the only one you can fully trust.

Again, so sorry. Please keep posting no matter what. We need you still, and you need us. We are "Sisters of the Fire".

#829472 07/27/04 12:16 AM
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WHAT A FREAKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe he would STILL try to lie! I jsu tdon't get it! IF you want OW--then leave & be w/ her, like we would try to stop them-whatever!---but why keep lieing & coming over & buying stuff for your house? that is soooooooo wierd! I will never understand that. I will never understand A to begin w/!

I am sooooooo sorry. I was really hoping it would not be true. I feel for you-I am right there w/ you hun. Seriously.

You are not alone. You are a creation of God, NOT your H. You are not what your H thinks of you so don't even hold onto any of that. YOu are what God has created & you will become what He wants you to be Jt.

Hang in there. God will see you through this, no matter how alone you may feel & you have all of our support too.

But I won't lose faith for you. I will keep hoping-------I believe in miracles--I have seen them w/ my own eyes & felt them within my own heart.

We're here for you girl...every step of the way!

Sincerely, ktb

#829473 07/27/04 11:51 AM
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Hi girls,

I don't think that H is going to change. I am holding on to nothing apparently. I was going to rush out again and file for D, but decided I think to wait at least until my SSon is gone back to his mother. That leaves my H one month before I am gone. He acts like he really does not care about losing us. He still defends her and everything. I told him that the grass is not always greener on the other side - do you know he had the gall to agree with me.

I just think that I am being the biggest fool there ever was. I feel as though my self esteem has gotten so low that I am afraid of being alone - without him. I know that I am an attractive woman I just can't believe that he could continue to betray me that way. I feel as though he thinks I have taken it for this long then he'll just keep on doing it. I feel like an AS#$ole myself. I am torn because I want to believe him but is it because I am afraid to be alone?

I feel as though I am not listening to GOD. I hear everyone else saying that he is never going to change because I have allowed him to continue what he is doing this long. But where does the road end - When is the pain going to stop. If I move on now without notice does that really help me deal with the pain. Will I just keep harboring it over and over. I feel like H does not want me!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> If so what am I doing, but looking like a fool, a desperate fool!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Then what am I really losing I have nothing, haven't had for a long time now. I am deciding to shut my mouth and listen, GOD is talking but I am not hearing. I am tired of feeling like the victim and crying all the time. I don't want this baby to be in my life at all. I know that! H is not going to be able to do what he needs to do for me - he doesn't hink he has to. He said just this morning that he was not going to be reporting to any woman about his whereabouts and so on. I don't think he wants us at all.He continues to disrespect our home and me for that matter.

What do I do now is the question - Where do I go from here? I am not going to make this decision out of anger - I made that mistake once.

Niosgirl, KT, what did your H say made them wake up and realize what they had at home?

Would they ever cheat again?

need prayers and help,
JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

#829474 07/28/04 12:05 AM
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Hi JT2,

Get a hold of yourself girl. You are a beautiful person. You are only feeling this way because of all the negative talk you hear from your husband. There are men I am sure who would love to be your partner. Maybe you could do Plan B and your husband would miss you. I do not know. You cannot beleive your husband because he has been lying to you. Your husband really does not even deserve you. You got to get a hold of yourself and beleive in yourself that you can be happy without your husband. You are not less of a person just because your husband is too blind to see what he has. I think it is time for plan B if you can do one. You do need to give yourself a space anyhow before you look for somebody else. Then during this time your husband just might wake up to reality and to what he lost in you. Just maybe OW might do some lovebusting. Just maybe he will realize the grass is not greener after all. But if he comes running back to you. Do not take him back right away. Tell him he has to prove to you he has changed. And if he does not come back, say Whatever! His Loss! Got it!

#829475 07/27/04 01:09 PM
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The only Plan B i can do would be to leave the house when he comes over. I need his assistance on the mortgage right now. I would love to change my locks again, but at this time my stepson is there with us and he would truly let my H in and plus I do not want to get the children caught up in the battle.

I can not call him or even talk to him, but what else could I really do. If I wait until my stepson is gone then maybe I could do more, but my H will not stop coming to the house anyway. So I have no real way of even getting this done and if so would he only be there to be doing things behind my back. I feel as though I am in a lose lose situation here.

Where the heck is my peace of mind>

JT

#829476 07/27/04 01:18 PM
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Hi JT2,

I am sorry. You can win. I would use this time to file for child support. Also get separation papers and set up visitation. That way you can get your money and he cannot sit on the fence anymore. You will have visitation in writing. He will no longer have the kids as a wager to get what he wants from you. He seems to just want to keep you in case it does not work out with other woman. You do not want that. JT2, you can win if you look at things differently. Start thinking independently and not like you need your husband. You do not need him with him treating you like he is. The saying is, "You can do bad by yourself." But you can also do better by youself. JT2 you know what you have to do. I know it is hard and I feel for you. Keep checking in. I may need you to pick me up down the road.

#829477 07/28/04 01:10 PM
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Ok here's the deal-----your H will never choose until he is put into a position that he is forced to choose. Right now-he is getting everything he wants----BOTH of you plus the kids.

YOu need to set some healthy boundaries for your sanity & mental safety. He is straight faced lying to you-you have the proof you need from the PI. The reason your self-esteem is so low is becasue you are allowing yourself to be treated like a DOOR MAT & you know it.

STAND UP and get moving. I don't care if ss is there or not---BOUNDARIES--- put a limit on his time w/ the kids--he CANNOT be allowed to just come & go as he pleases. Send ss w/ H or back to mom-----you need to do this. I don't care if ss needs you--you have nothing to give right now---ss needs his father to act like a MAN not the jerk he is being. H needs to deal w/ this & you are not helping by being a doormat!

You need to get ss out, set up a schedule for H to see kids----out of the house or w/o you in it. I am dead serious. Are you a WOMAN or a MAT? Your H needs a WIFE not a clingy unhealthy person!

Start making decisions for YOU. If h insists on visitng w/ kids @ your house--------LEAVE---go get a pedicure---some thing that makes you sit there for a certain amount of time.

I am serious here jt. Get w/ the program. You need to help H face reality------if not--you are just ENABLING his unhealthy & disrespectful behavior. OW is not that strong either or she would have made him choose a loooooooong time ago too. Neither of you are doing that so..he gets to keep doing whatever he wants.

H is in his 'child ego state' right now, not acting like an adult! He's not gonna 'report to no woman'? uh hello? can you say rebellious teenager? What an idiot! It's common courtesy you are requesting-------dear it's time to stop 'requesting' and GROW A BACK BONE!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN DO THIS! Stop thinking of everyone else & start thinking of YOU------you HAVE to do this jt.

And this low self-esteem thing? hello again? is anyone listening-it's NOT about YOU-it's about your selfish H---he is doing this for HIM not because of you! Please, you've seen our pictures....do you think ALL of us have these strikingly beautiful OW? HECK NO!!!!! We are all regular people & attractive-----it's not about that-----it's about LUST & selfishness, PRIDE----

SO get that out of your head & start standing up for yourself. I bet when you do-----you will feel the 'self-esteem' coming back too!
********
********
I really have no idea what made my H wake up because I never knew of A until way after it had supposedly ended. He says it was when OW said, 'I'm pg so if your gonna leave your W, now would be the time'.........he said in that moment when he felt like he HAD to choose-----reality was---it was me & son he wanted NOT OW & baby he didn't even know.

I think it was the being FORCED to choose, if OW had not gotten pg & things could have just gone on as they were------A would not have ended. who knows but that is how things played out for us so that is what I think. Then w/ H returning to me---& him really being able to see me for who I really am & for what I am really made of-----there was NO comparison for OW when we started C w/ OC. HE couldn't beleive he would have ever been attracted to THAT person!

Stop HANGING in there and START CLIMBING up the rope!

#829478 07/28/04 02:01 PM
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okay Kt I called the attny and am having her get the papers filed. I do not want to file for legal seperation because she stated that it takes just as long as D would through the system, Plus if he chooses to go along with it then it is for the best. You are right I must stand up for myself, I have allowed him to run over me to long now, and he expects me to do so. If I do it like this I can file for emergency CS and visitations, so that will outline for him just what he will have to do in the future.

I don't think he thinks I have the guts to leave him, but I am tired of letting him walk all over me, plus this is putting an undue hardship on my kids. H has also been taking up residence elsewhere so he really does not want us anyway or he could not leave us. OW says she does not want him or need him yet she has not put him out or let him go. I do not need this pain or aggrivation any longer and by GOD's laws adultery is okay to divorce the spouse. I know he wants it to work but if the spouse is not willing to return home to his family then there is really no other choice. H claims that I have not changed and he is not coming home until I do, but what has he changed nothing he is still doing the same thing he was a ear ago when it all started.

Thanks,

I have gotten my backbone back. Plus what can I loose I don't have him now do I?

JT

#829479 07/28/04 02:54 PM
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Hi JT2,

You have had to put up with way too much. You go girl. KT you are so good at laying things out like they are. I do not have much time to post but I hope everything works out for you.
{{{{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}}}}}

#829480 07/28/04 03:06 PM
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Thanks Genia,

KT, AD, BBYG, KRIS, NIOSGIRL, ALBANY, & etc any comments or suggestions PLEASE!!!

#829481 07/29/04 11:04 AM
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JT,

I can't tell you anymore than KT already did. You should get your legal affairs in order, CS & vistiation & Plan B his butt. As KT said HE HAS TO BE FORCED TO CHOSE, this will do it one way or another, he has to know that he can't continue to be a cake eater especially since he lied about his living situation. As long as he knows he can live w/ OW & still come home to you and make plans for the future he will & of course OW will allow it cuz she wants WANTS HIM TO STAY RIGHT WHERE HE IS!!! I don't care what she says she wants her baby's daddy w/ her. She know he still has contact w/ you but she will accept it cuz he lives w/ her & she feels she has the upper hand right now.

In my situation H lived w/ OW for 8 months, I allowed myself to stay in that situation until I couldn't take it anymore & gave him a deadline to come home or I was done, & guess what -- he left OW & came home to me just me, so I know it was not because of our children he left his only child so I know your bond w/ your H is even stronger because of your children. Looking back I should not have tolerated H living with OW 8 days much less 8 months - don't let H put you thru this crap another minute sweetie.

This doesn't have to be the end of your M, but you have to call the shots from now on, H has done it long enough. Who knows if you give H a taste of how life will be w/o you in it, it will wake him up, as long as you go along w/ this sick game it will go on please believe me.

Be strong, do what you have to do for yourself & your kids. I am praying your strength, I know you know that God sees all that you are going thru & he is with you even when you think you are all alone. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

#829482 07/29/04 01:20 PM
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Thank you for the concern and advice. I do believe that my H is really not wanting to be married. He still even says that he is not going to be checked or questioned everytime he leaves the house. Well where the heck are you going at 12:30 am, and why are you coming home at 3:30 am. H still does not live in the house with us and makes no apologies for not coming home. He says he'll come home when he is good and ready and not any sooner. So I think he has really been kind of telling me that he is going to do what he wants to do no matter what.

so I have concluded that he is really doing just what he wants to do. Even if this woman was not pg i believe that he would just as soon get someone else. He still calls me names when he gets angry and even tells me that he doesn't care about me just the kids. His actions say that that might as well be true. I am waiting on someone that does not want to be happy with me. So no matter what I may think about OW I have suspected even before her that he was having an A. So I think that I am dealing with someone who wants to be out in the street doing whatever he wants to do.

I must take control of my life, I am the only one that can make me happy. I must recognize not to accept just anything that someone wants to trow at me. I have been looking out for everyone else for to long and no one cares or gives a rats a$$ about me. So I have to take this step and move on. Plus my H has provwen that he wants to keep everything about this girl and the baby a secret, he does not and has not discussed anything with me about anything - Not from the beginning of all this. It has been going on for too long now and not one inch of progress has been made. So I think that I am doing the right thing for me and the kids, but it is going to be hard because I still love him even though I have come to realize that he is not the best thing for me, nor does he want the love and life that I am offering to him.

We are not only on two different pages but reading from two different books. The bottom line is He does not love me enough to let this OW/OC go. So I must let it all GO.

Thank you,
JT

#829483 07/29/04 01:24 PM
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JT2

He very well could love you but he doesn't see it right now because he was gettign the best of both-but you still have to start moving on and doing PB or starting D process it just may make him wake up and realize the love he does have--but you take control of the situation now and either way you win. Either you get him back or you move forward without him and get your life back.

#829484 07/29/04 01:29 PM
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JT2 BIG HUGS and one more thing-you have to keep posting and keep us updated because you are one of our friends girl!

#829485 07/29/04 09:37 PM
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JT - I have been reading your posts at work and trying to think all day what to say. You are right, it is time for you to look out for you. I would definitely plan b. If your H doesn't want to be home, then give him what he wants, his freedom. I am not saying D, but Plan b and cut him off. Make arrangements so he can still see the kids - I would say outside the home. Why let him have all the comforts of home if he doesn't want to be there? Let him take the kids - anywhere but OW's house - and let him play the single dad.

As far as you, you need to focus on pulling yourself together. One thing that I have learned on this "journey" is that my life and my existence does not revolve around my H. I was always focused so much on the "us", that I lost me along the way. Since my H has moved out in Feb., I have discovered that I am stronger than I ever thought. I can and I will survive in this world with or without my H (still preferrably with). What has helped me so much is turning to God. I know we are all experiencing this in our lives - but I think that is definitely where the healing starts. A strong M needs a foundation in God or it simply will not work. The same is true for the individual. You simply will not be happy in life without God.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our love for H's, kids, money, job, etc, that we lose focus on the most important love - God's. Believe me when you focus on God's unconditional and sacrificial love it changes everything. Think about it - God loves us dispite all our faults. He loves our H's despite the A's. He wants us all to turn to him and be saved. He loved us so much, he sacrificed his son's life so that we would be saved. How many of us would give up our kids for the good of all? That is just awesome.

Our job in this life is not to live for us. We are to be a reflection of God's love to others. Once you find that love and are truly absorbed by it, it changes you in so many positive ways. And guess what happens as a result? People take notice. Your H will notice the change and it will have a positive impact on him. Have faith - just because you see all these horrible things that your H is doing doesn't mean God is not working on him. Keep praying. Like BG always says, God can do everything but fail. He knows our every thought and action before we do. He can most certainly save your M. Put your faith and trust in God and fight all those fears, doubts, and anger. Those things just throw us all off track. Focus on your healing and then you can reach out to your H. It is so hard knowing that he is still with OW. But you just have to put that out of your mind right now and focus on you.


Right now - your H is still too self absorbed and lost in fogland. I think he still has feelings for you or he would not hang around so much. Sometimes part of loving someone is letting them fall on their face. It is not our job to save them, but to help guide them back to God. But you can't force it on them. And before you can even begin to guide them, you have to put yourself back together. You are hurt and angry. Those feelings do not come from God. It takes a conscience effort to focus on the good. You can choose to let your H's actions continue to hurt you or not. Draw your strength from God - don't let the hurt weaken you. Its about choices. What do you want? I have choosen not to let the hurt and anger take over. When I feel it creeping back into my heart, I pray. Just that simple.

I hope this makes sense. I have all these thoughts running through my head and I can't always get them down on paper (or cyperspace).

Bottom line, if you love your H and want your M, you need to step back and start rebuilding on a firmer foundation. Start with yourself. Once you do this and your H is away from his family for awhile, I think you will notice a change. Kick him off the fence - even if it means he goes to the other side for awhile. Keep praying for him, because he cannot resist God forever. Pray that God changes his heart and opens his eyes. It may take awhile - there are definitely no quick fixes in this situation. But your M is worth the time and effort, even if you are the only one trying right now. With God's help, you can have your H and M back.

Hope this helps. I hope I wasn't too preachy - just how I think and feel these days.

All my love and prayers!

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: KrisM ]</small>

#829486 07/31/04 12:58 AM
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Hi JT2,

I hope you are feeling OK. The emotional abuse your husband is dishing out to you is so similar to what my husband is dishing out to me. It makes you feel so unloved. I guess we need to love ourselves till we find somebody else to help love us. I feel your pain so deeply because I go through some of it. I hope it gets better for you every day.
{{{{{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}}}}}

#829487 07/30/04 02:36 PM
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JT,
I am so sorry for you and if you need anything I am here for you too. I don't know what to say except, I think you are doing the right thing by contacting your atty.

I don't know what State you are in so I am confused by what your atty. told you. A sep. in my State must be for 1 year before the D is final. However, there is also a Limited Divorce in which CS, custody, use and posession of the home are set-up, etc. This is important in that if you get to the CS first, then OC's CS is determined based on what H provides you. I would also ask your atty. about abandonment. I know H has been around the house but you never knew where he was, can't that count for something?

I filed for a limited divorce last year, we were to go back to Court on it in July before I dismissed it. Wish I would not have done that. When I filed last year, I never felt so in control of my own life and destiny. It is empowering and I have to say that H was crumbling by the power I had within myself. I just gave in way too soon.

I feel some of what you are feeling. You still want your family but it's killing you trying to keep it. No need to do that to yourself. Make the move, keep it going and don't look back until you see BIG changes, and even then think twice.

Pick up the book I have if you are having a difficult time. "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" Reading it is starting to open my eyes. It may help you, it may not, just a thought.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can stay strong. If you need anything, let me know.

#829488 07/30/04 02:37 PM
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thanks girls,

I appreciate your support. I think that it is just time for me to call it quits. I have given him the chance to make things right but he really does not want to obviously. I will not remain with him and he wants contact. I can not take that pain plus to me it proves that he will never be away from the mother. He is not even willing to talk about her in a negative light so why the heck would I put myselft through any more pain and suffering. besides my kids are getting older day by day and are coming to the realization that sdaddy does not stay at home with them.

So it's time for me to live for me and get going on what I need to do for me.

JT

#829489 08/02/04 09:15 AM
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Hi JT,

How are you doing. Are you feeling better?

#829490 08/02/04 11:01 AM
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Hi,

I am feeling a little disconnected this morning, but I feel like I am finally in control of my life. I am going through with the divorce I filed on Friday, H came home late last night as usual. It doesn't even bother me anymore. He wanted SF I said no I didn't want to ( plus my attny said that I could not engage in it with him anymore or it could hurt my case). I didn't even want to actually. I told him to go and get it where ever he'd been getting it, I was not interested and the funny thing is is that I am not.

I still love him, but I am not going to do it with him just when he wants to. He has no concern for me in that aspect anyway - it has been two weeks since the alst time. I should not have to be involved in sparatic sex with my H. He## I should be getting it every night.

He asked me who I was sleeping with then if I did not want to do it with him. I told him no one I was not going to wait on him any longer to make up his mind. I told him I was not going to do this anymore - I was filing for a Divorce. He sadi you want to destroy this family like that. i told him I was not going to share my H with anyone anymore. If you wanted to have two families he would have to do it without us. I also reminded him that we did not step out on him he left us and started a new life and family.

I told him he made the choice I did not, but I was going to deal with it. He is really going to be shocked when he gets served. I am going to live my life and be happy. My H has been living a double life for the past 16mos that I know about. He may have been doing this my entire marriage he just finally got caught.

I want a H who wants to come home to me and the kids, who loves to be in my presence at all times. A husband that I can share my dreams with and trust that I am the only one that he wants. I don't have that so I need to move forward in order to be happy. I have prayed for peace and the Lord has granted me that. I do not cry, and feel pressure in my chest anymore. I don't call him and ask him when he's coming over, better yet I don't even call him anymore, I don't get upset thinking that he is with her. She is due on Wednesday of this week and I am not feeling any anxiety about it - That's how I know that I must be doing the right thing. Last week I could not breathe - today I can smell the roses.

Making a choice for me was the best thing I could have ever done. I refuse to be trampled on anymore. I wish him the best and much happiness in his future endeavors; I also wish myself the same! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you all for everything,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

#829491 08/02/04 11:41 AM
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Hi JT,

I am so glad you stood up to him. I beleive I would have done the same thing under similar circumstances. I am very proud of you. You will come out of this fine. Later when you are ready you will find a man who is good to you. I am so happy you are able to cut loose. It was very disrespectful for your husband to offer you SF knowing you knew he was with OW.
{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}

#829492 08/03/04 10:20 AM
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Hi JT2,

Read my thread. you will see I am in much the same boat as you. Gonna get my ducks in a row for Plan B. In my state you have to separate for a year before divorce. How are you holding up?

#829493 08/06/04 03:39 PM
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JT,
You did the right thing. I need to be there too. Hang on, you will be fine.

#829494 08/06/04 03:58 PM
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I was beginning to think you girls forgot about me. I haven't heard from any of you other than genia in so long. I need to be encouraged so please don't go without dropping me a line every now and then, but thanks for your support it means a lot to me!!

JT

#829495 08/06/04 04:03 PM
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on one of the threads you posted on this morning I asked if you got D papers served to him yet?

Eager for an update.

#829496 08/06/04 04:19 PM
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no albany I am sorry I did not see your post, but no he has not gotten served yet. I did tell him this morning that I was not going to live like this any longer and he just kind of shrugged it off - so I said okay.

But I did call my attny this afternoon and she is going to check and see when he'll be served for me if it is not today then the beginning of next week is the day!!

I am nervous and proud of myself at the same time. I warned him this morning so he could not say it was such a shock and go crazy. I am just sick that I have to go through this, but it is what is best for me, and probably him too. He'll now realize that he just lost the best thing that ever happened to him - us. Please keep up with me for I will need all of your support - this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it not only effects my life but my little ones as well.

Keep me in your prayers as I will you.

Albany I know you may not want to do it , but you have to take control of your life. I am here if you need me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

#829497 08/06/04 04:27 PM
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I'm okay JT--I'm curious to see how it goes OW--I know she is a money grubbing welfare bi***. When she chose to keep baby H said to her you will end up on Welfare and she kept saying she won't. Look where she is.

H & I are getting money from selling last semi and it will pay off our two credit cards completely that are in my name so after that I may have to le thim have it if he makes no changes in the next week or so--he is settign up IC for him soon I think.

#829498 08/06/04 04:38 PM
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Albany,

I hope that he gets better, but if he does not it is time for you to make a move. I am with you girl, no one should be as unhappy as we have been for the rest of their lives. We have got to take it back, and be the best that we can be.

JT

#829499 08/06/04 04:47 PM
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Hey JT--are you going to be around tonight?--maybe I will see you in the chat room. Let me know girl.

#829500 08/06/04 05:00 PM
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Yeah I'll be around and I'll see you there!!

#829501 08/07/04 02:40 PM
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JT,

So sorry you have to go thru this, D is not pretty. I was praying H would come to his senses & he still may. Don't blame you for not waiting around though, but have you thought of doing Plan B with a legal sep. instead of a D?

Just a thought.

Hugs to you sweetie.

Praying hard for you.

#829502 08/08/04 12:24 AM
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Hi JT,

I understand how hard it is. We love our husbands so much but they just refuse to respect us and stop crapping on us. I feel you. I told somebody if I thought I could knock some sense into him I would. Anyhow he has forced my hand. I hate that I have to separate from husband. I am gonna do it when the kids aren't around because it can get real ugly. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

#829503 08/09/04 01:24 PM
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hi Genia,

I didn't have a chance to get on this weekend, but I have been strong this entire time. I continue to be because I know that I can not do anything else.

My H does not believe of course that I will leave but I already have one foot out of the door.

Enough I am in a good mood today and I hope that you are okay.

JT

#829504 08/09/04 01:50 PM
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JT, I don't know if I missed it, but has the OC been born yet? Just wondering. I hope your mood stays good today and even better tomorrow.
Sunny D

#829505 08/09/04 01:50 PM
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Well, I think you four(Luv & BBG, too) rock! This is such a hard thing to deal with all the way around, and you all have done exactly what you needed to do. Can you help it if they don't do what's needed...nope! You all can take steps to better your lives knowing that you did your very best - it's THEM that's not living up to their promises, not you! Hold your heads high! You are wonderful and amazing!

- Kimmy

#829506 08/09/04 01:57 PM
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Sunny,

I really don't know if OC has been born yet. They both knew that I knew her DR.'s info and what hospital so I think she went back to GA with her family. Baby was due last wednesday, H was at home with us all last week so I knew she could not have been in town.

He even confirmed that one night, but he has never opened up and gave me any info about her I found out everything on my own. So who knows I don't even know what she was having. H has not had the opportunity to go anywhere though. So she might have I don't know.

I feel so stupid not knowing and even more stupid that I thought it could work when he is still protecting her and not our family.

JT

#829507 08/09/04 02:02 PM
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Thanks Niosgirl,

I have been waiting for your input; I've been missing that wit of yours. I know deep down that this is right for my family it just still hurts so much, but I am strong again. I know what I have to do - Plus what else am I getting out of him = nothing!!

So thanks and please be here when I need you all!!

JT

#829508 08/09/04 02:12 PM
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JT,

Keep praying girl, God will see you thru. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Praying for you daily, I know it is rough.

Love ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#829509 08/09/04 03:10 PM
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Nio,

Don't me to post jack or what ever you guys call it. LOL

I don't rock at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I am still in ambivalence-ville in a way. I spoke to my atty. and she told me to hold on a bit. Thing is one of us has to move out and he refuses and the obstacle seems so large for me that I have not done anything yet. If he would leave, I think I would be fine with filing.

#829510 08/09/04 08:35 PM
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Hi Luv,

You rock too girl. Don't let that husband of yours get you down. Maybe you need to do what I have done with mine. Husband is still here with me but I am not careing any more. He can do his thing and I mine. Just put energy into you and your children. He asked me tonight why I don't call him. I told him because it hurts too much. When the time comes for you to stay and reconnect or leave God willing you will know. Pray to God to work on your husband because you have done your part. God can move mountains. Sometimes there are obstacles so maybe it is time for you to wait and just be patient. Don't feel bad that we are trying to leave the chaos and you are still stuck. There is a reason for everything. Maybe your situation will work out after all or maybe it is just not your time. I will pray for you.
{{{{{Luv}}}}}}}}

JT,

I am so glad that you are in a positive mood. I am fine. My husband is in a good mood and it is hard thinking of leaving when he is talking about us. I must keep in mind. He is still talking to OW and that is the reason I am leaving.

#829511 08/10/04 08:36 AM
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Luv - you do so! You just don't feel it right now...but it doesn't make it any less so...and I'm not gonna quit telling you because everyone needs to know when they rock! So there!!!

Hang tight girls! The Lord is walking with us! Place yourselves in His very capable hands!

- Kimmy

#829512 08/10/04 11:10 AM
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Thanks Kimmy,

I really need that reassurance from time to time. I am going through with my plans because I have to. My H has left me no other choice, but to do so. I must be the one to take charge of this situation since he is still fence sitting.

I also must go through with the D - H talked me out of it when I first found out which was probably good because I was doing it out of anger and fear. Now I must not back down because he does not really believe that I will leave him. He knows how important it is for me to have the children's father in the house, but he has been using that to his advantage. He thinks because we are seperated that he can do what ever he wabts to do - come and go as he pleases - and I am not suppose to wuestion him about anything.

He even made the comment that I am just mad because I can not control the situation. Well in a way he is right, but I can control my life and how I plan to live it - and I can control my happiness. so in essence I can control the situation. Thank you I just needed to vent this morning, but still on the path to happiness.

Staying strong for me and my kids,

JT

#829513 08/10/04 11:18 AM
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albany Offline OP
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Does he know you filed JT--you may have already said but I must have missed it.

What do you think--will he sidn D papers--mine wouldn't and he did it--filed it all and everything.

I guess a huge part of me hasn't given up on you M--call me crazy--what you doing right now is for the best for now--I think your H may surprose us--maybe not but either way you are doing great.

#829514 08/10/04 11:29 AM
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You know Albany, I really don't think he believe's that I did. We had an argument and he told me to just file and I said okay. But I have threatened to almost every week since this whole mess came out in the open, so he may just think that I am joking. But I am not I have had enough. Neither one of us has made him choose, but I am making the choice of happiness for myself and my children. Life goes on and I will not waste another day waiting on him to decide wether or not he wants us. She did not even get pregnant until after I threw him out when I found out about the A. So he just ran straight to her.

I have suspected affairs throuhgout the marriage but could never prove it. So maybe this is for the best. Running the streets maybe what he wants to do. Having a family at home to come to for cushion can;t be a life that I am willing to be a part of. I only get affection from him when it is convienant (msp). So I am not willing to take the bait any longer - that is not a marriage, that is a prison.

JT

#829515 08/11/04 12:13 AM
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Hi JT,

Funny thing is what he is doing to you he will soon do to her. I am so glad you are freeing yourself up to have the chance for a good relationship.

#829516 08/11/04 12:18 AM
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Thanks, So can you!!

JT

#829517 08/11/04 12:33 AM
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Hi JT,

I know it but just do not feel it at the moment. Husband has showered me with affection lately. I think it is just that he knows I am serious about leaving. I told a couple people in his family. They probably gave him the heads up. I am still planning on how I am gonna get him out but it did feel good for the moment when he showered me with affection. I am sure it will not last. He is what he is. A very selfish narcist person. In that light I had to enjoy his rare moment of showing me affection.

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