Hi Albany,

I think I am an enabler too and I have got to stop. Husband had addiction to drugs and has replaced with addiction to women. He even tells me he has women friends and sees nothing wrong with it.

Albany,
So sorry honey. That is soooo not right. I second or third Kimmy's comments.

Even if the house is in your parents names, he needs to be supporting his family. That is not fair.

I so wish we lived near each other.

One of the things that frustrates me is that my H looks like a normal decent guy on the surface.

It so pisses me off--it is in his hands to get himslef help now that he sees it is him. I'm not even go ask if he has or not--he is a big boy-not help from me--I always help him out and right now I'm not going to. When I do I enable a lot of his behaviour. My IC said clear back in April thathe would probably continue until I did something to stop all of this and she said it may be saying and acting as if you are done even though you aren't and taking visible steps to be done. MY IC was our MC too--she was really good.

Albany. Don't you sell that house unless you KNOW you can get another one. I would go anywhere if I where you. That is your C home. Paint the walls, change the carpet, go get you a new BR suite! But if you did a bankr. then you might end up in a apartment. And w/ kids you DONT want that. They have been though enough. It's only a house now but you can and will make it YOUR home !! And your childrens home. I really do not beleive that selling it would be good. You are going to have to get strong and like you said give him to god. I told mime one time God gave me you for a reason and I'm giving you back to him, cause I cant fix you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> God is the only one who can change these men/womens hearts. They have to want forgiveness and want to do right. No matter how "good or nice" we are is going to do anything! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> even though we think it will make it better. it doesn't. May put a cover over things if we are "nice" and not talk about the A or OC in fear of LB'ing. I don't think that is the way Dr. H. intended for it to be. Its in communacation and LOVE, respect, honor and the fact that you and your H can sit and talk and be the best of friends. And him going out w/someone else? HELLLLOOOO!!!! He's married with a OW and a child right? He's got to get himself right first and only God can touch him. I am praying for yu and I know God will give you the strenth to do what you need to do.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

albany,
If you don't have to sell, don't. However, don't hang on to that home if it's going to strap you. I did that while we were sep. for two reasons. I wanted the kids to have there home and I was always hoping we would be back together. It was hard to make ends meet. I spent a ton of my savings just to pay bills. This time, I won't do that, I probably won't even stay there during our sep. I think I am going to erquest that we sell in 3 mos. I hate the fact that we will have to move from the only home my children have know and our neighborhood but the stress of the finances is way too much for me.

SunnyD

He will say we are best friends and I told him some way to treat a best friend.

I can get another house with help of parents--I didn't do bankR. I wasn't part of business and we didn't have any joint loans--I have one thing that I was a cardholder (not on account however)on of his that was discharged in bankR--that I have to keep fighting off my credit but that is it.

It is all about him finding himself and you don't do that by jumping into another relationship. Part of me wants OW to not sign H's legal rights and responsibilites away because at some point he needs to live with yucky consequences from his actions and he hasn't ever really had to.

I can do it though--he has to do it for himself.

Hi Albany,

It seems you, I , JT, and Luv are in similar situations. We need to all support each other. Stay strong. Follow your heart. I am with you whatever decision you make.
{{{{{{{{{Albany}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Albany,

I think you are making the right decision. Your H is sitting on the fence because you are allowing him to. Not that I am so insightful about this situation, but I can see it in myself. I must agree with sunny, being nice and covering it up is not helping the situation just enabling it to go on. Dr. H I think meant for it to be a communication tool not a take - take - take situation.

You know what you have to do deep in your heart. I know that it is hard and I feel the same pain, but since I made the decision in my mind to let it go I have had nothing but peace. I prayed for peace and God answered my prayer. My H will be served on Thurs. I know he will be upset but he will then know that I am not going to allow him to keep doing this to our family. I can not control him, but I can control what I allow to happen to me and my kids.

I will not be a doormat or enabler any longer. He amde his choice and now it is time for them to suffer the consequences of their actions. Your H really has not ahd to do without you - he knows that you are willing to go to the end of the earth to save your M. The bottom line is no matter how far you are willing to go Is he willing to go the distance with you? If no actions are being made to do that then I would say that right now he is not.

Be strong I know you can!! I am praying for you and I hope you continue to pray for me during this journey.

Love YA,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS - Keep your head up because you did nothing wrong - H had a choice and he made it!!

H and I had huge arguement last night when he bit my head off about something very stupid. He was an a**. Called me names etc and I told him to be on his way and that he could say what he a wanted but I was a good person and that this mainly had to do with him. I told him that I must not be as bug of a bi*** as he was saying since I'm the one he always asks for help from and the one counts on not to let him down.

He went to work and he called me back and was nromal again--I said we don't have to stay marriaged but this is BS--there is no need for name calling etc. and that I don't believe he believes inthe names he called me anyway--I said this no way to behave and you better think about what you say because you can't always take stuff back that is said.

I also said don't you dare treat me like that again after I have stood by your side through everything. HE changed his tune quite a bit. Of course who do you think called later to tell me he had passed some test he took at work and would get a small increase per hour and who called this morning--I'm ignoring his behaviour right because I'm not dealing with his crap--sorry if he stressed but I told him again this morning that I'm not coming to my house to that crap--that I didn't create.

He had tried to say last night I cause him stress and make himtense and unhappy--I said no being around me makes you feel like you have to face everything--I said that is why you have found new friends and a new female friend to hang around--because you want to escape and forget your complicated life which ultimately you only have yourself to blame for--that is why hanging out with others seems better to you--you are a runner and you need to deal with you.

Silence after all that! I said I'm better than this and i don't deserve this after my unconditional love to you--he didn't like that.

I know he is stressed but you can't keep ****ting on those that love you.--Will you can but one day they will all be gone.

Just had to vent. We got along great on the phone last night and this morning and he was humble but it doesn't make up for his treatment of me last night.

Hi Albany,

If you read my post you would see that I just ran into the same problem with my husband. We had an argument the other night. He called me names. He blames me because he is stressed. Same situation. I am so angry because he will have fun around Other people and take all his stress out on me. I had been trying to be cheerful around him though I did not feel cheerful inside but all I get is a grouch. So I know I cannot go on much longer unless he makes some drastic changes.

Hi Albany,

Are you OK?