Lynn,
I blame myself for believing him and for not waiting for a court paper in hand.


And I didn't just jump into the sack with him. We dated for several months prior to sex and we did make sure we both were STD free (neither of us have ever had an STD either). I am quite familiar with BC as my eldest child is nearly a decade older than OC. I trusted him and that was my fault.


Once again, it's a shame the way things happened and the way things turned out but I would not change it because I now have this precious child who is such a gift. I never would have dreamed I would get the chance to be a mom again and I am blessed with a beautiful, happy child. I wouldn't trade this blessing for anything.

I feel bad that he won't know his father, but as KT said, it happens all the time and you cope.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: CheerfulLittleOne ]</small>

Lyn says:
You say all children have a right to know their fathers. That is simply stupid. What about all the kids who are adopted? Are they supposed to spend their time obsessing about this? Or should they live their lives? MY children also have rights, and if they infringe upon the oc, well, so be it. They did not create this situation. Why should they be expected to pay the price?

Adoption is different and you know it. Also, that was my point he had to make a choice and even though he did and show his priorities, he still had to make a choice. Really he was not free to visit with oc and still be married.

Lynn says:
NTMO---you bring up an interesting scenario. What if the couple divorces and the father wants to see the child. HMMMM. That would be an entirely different situation then a little tyke. I guess, if that father wants to come back into oc life it would have to be handled quite differently then if oc was a newborn. THEN I could see where the father would be gradually introduced to the child. Meet up at the park, etc where mom is nearby, stuff like that. But I agree with you, that would be awfully hard on everyone. But, that is what the affair invites into the life of that child. Sad thing is, if he (still married or not), is paying child support and decides he wants to start a relationship, he has that right. Sorta reminds me of KT's situation, in a way. Look how that blew up in everyones face and all the harm to everyone. Affairs are just a destructive cruel event that places so much hurt and angst on the victims...BW/BC/OC etc.

OMG we agree!!!! I HOPE EVERYONE WAS SITING AT THERE COMPUTER AND NOT STANDING EATING THERE DINNER WHEN YOU READ THIS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My point excatly. It's something that I would have to deal with with him being the child's father. So it's not just all one sided that the bw/mm are taking all the brunt end of everything. I told him (xmm) under no circumstance could he see her behind anyone's back....and my attorney told me that I could not stop him from seeing her under even those circumstances although I could spend more money and take him to court and prove my point that it was not a great inviroment under those circumstances.....so it really does goes both ways. Both sides have ajustments and allowances to make. That was the point I was trying to make.

I think this is twice now isn't it? Must be a full moon!

Adjustments need to be made no matter what. I certainly had some adjustments to make. Would I stay married? All that. My children had to adjust too, over the years. They learned of oc, and the whole situation and they had adjusting to do.

My husband did have a choice. He could have chose differently. He didn't. We even, at one time were seriously considering contact. But it was more me caving. Then one day I said no, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to deal with any of it. I wanted out. That if he wanted to raise oc, I'm not stopping him. He had a choice. He chose to have an affair. I chose to divorce because of it. It wasn't the oc that had the divorce papers drawn, it was the affair. He then had an oc on the way and had some thinking to do. He did not want a divorce. But he did have a choice. Had he wanted to help raise oc, he could have let the divorce go through. At that time, I was prepared and ready to end it all. But none of it was flippant or easy.

I don't think many ow really understand the thought process that goes on. Hell, I don't think I really did, and I lived it. In the early days divorce would have been so much easier. I was younger. One child at the time. It wouldn't have been hard to say the heck with it. Start fresh. It isn't easy to decide to even stay in the marriage after an affair, let alone stay when there is an oc. Emotions run high. Somewhere in all of that, somebody finds you, amongst the train wreck that is your life, and they wake you up. Suddenly you have a moment of clairity and you speak up. I said no. He agreed. After you make the decision, you go on. It isn't like a light switch is hit and all is well. Far from it. It is a long hard road. I know that having contact would have never worked for us. It was hard enough back then and we didn't have contact. I still will never believe that contact is healthy when there are children in the marriage. To much to expect from them.

Now that it is over for us. And by over, I mean no more court dates, every few years. No more having to take the time to deal with her bi-yearly dramas. We can reflect back. And we have. Not that oc will go away or anything like that. Just that from the early days of drama, to now, where are cs ends, it feels like an ending. I remember thinking 18 years????? God it is an eternity, it felt like forever. So in a way it feels over. Belize is going to be great. It is sorta like a celebration of not just ending cs payments, but sort of a nod to "hey, we really did make it" and that means "hey, we actually stayed married and lived through alot" Now we are moving on to our next phase. We still have kids at home, we still have the stupid fireplace that leaks, we stil have lives to live. It just feels like we somehow crossed some imaginary line. All I know is that I feel like a chapter is closed. An odd chapter of my life. It isn't the money at this point in my life, it is more like "hey I remember when this all started" Cause from the first day of child support, how I felt, and all, to now, wow, what a ride. And how quickly it went by! My kids our big now. I may be busy with them, but I am also free there too. I can pretty much go and do whatever I want. I don't need babysitters for the youngest anymore, stuff like that. Sure, teens are a job, but overall pretty fun to have around. I just have this cool feeling.........

Hard to explain!!

Lynn, if you're so ready to move past everything and let it all go - then why not let up the lein on her house? Isn't that, in a way, still holding on?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From need to move on:
What about all the kids who are adopted? Are they supposed to spend their time obsessing about this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It appears that the majority DO have these thoughts at some point in their lives.
(Whether or not they ever actually act upon them).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From need to move on:
You say all children have a right to know their fathers. That is simply stupid.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course Its NOT Stupid for a Child to Want or even "Need" to know about BOTH of their parents ......it is Normal!

And IMO it should be a right......especially when a Father (used loosely of course) "willingly" conceives HIS OWN Child!

Never thought I'd have to debate "IF" a Child (in most cases knowingly conceived) should be able to see, interact and KNOW his/her Own Father.

My goodness, I remember a time when this country was trying to address the "Problem" and epidemic of Absentee Fathers.

****edit*****
****(advice,,suggestions,, SUPPORT welcome)******

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

DP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

The lein is in place cause she was court ordered to pay our legal fees for her stupidity. By her own actions, she forced a court date and it was so stupid, that the judge ordered her to pay our legal fees and she was warned to stop her games. Our law firm never was paid and they place a lein against her home.

Why should they be out the money? Why should we pay her bill? We paid, on time every single month. We were talking with the laywer one night and we all decided that her consequences should have actions. So, no the lein should stand. Just as we paid each and every month, so too should she pay her court ordered fees. That is a life lesson that everyone has to learn sometime.

Lynn have you thought of some type of settlement for this? IF she has a husband who helps her with expenses, why don't you see if you guys can work something out with this last year of cs? Then take the lein off.........then all will be really done and over. I don't know the amount of legal fees she owes compared to cs owed still, but just a thought. You already said in another post that you don't really pay that much cs each month. I'm assuming that she has not taken your h back to court to ever have it risen or ajusted as legaly she is allowed every 3 years.......but like I said just a thought.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

thank you so much lynn.
hearing your story is very inspirational because i am at the beginning of our road. So this can be possible and a marriage can survive?

The thing that you guys are forgetting is that the $$$ OW owes is NOT TO lynng. IT is a BILL owed to another 3rd party---the attorney.

It would be like telling your xmm to forfeit your credit card bill. TOTALLY not gonna happen--unrelated.

The handling of the lein is up to the attorneys & NOT lynns responsibilty nor ability to forego or drop it.

OW earned that lein all of her own doing & free-will.

Suppose your xmm had the nerve to take YOU to court (like ntmo, all the $$$$ you had to pay becuase xmm was stalling?) IS it FAIR to make YOU pay for HIS stupidity & frivolousness? NO, so why should lynn's & her H have too? So they asked for their fees to be paid by OW........the JUDGE found it be fair & ordered it.

It wasn't LYNN who decided it, it was a judge, in a court of law.

Come on ladies, you're always talking about how xmm NEED to take responsiblity, this is a perfect example of EQUAL OPPORTUNITY. Either you are FOR people (ALL people) having consequences & taking responsibiliy for their actions or your NOT.

Which is it?

Would you agree to allow xmm to GET OFF of paying CS the last few months 'just because'? I don't think so!
***************************************
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xoxoxoxox
kt

Kt, I did not say for her to for go the money, to make a deal. Apprently she owes it to lynn and her husband as she asked lynns husband to lift it even though it was for attorney fees. I'm lynn paid the fees and put the lien on for reinbursment. If she pays it, it will be lifted no doubt.....so I was suggesting that they work out a deal with her on the last year of child support owed. Only a suggestion.....and who knows if I'll get back all the money I'm spending to make xmm to step to the plate, I'm not that far yet.

Hey, am I allowed to "threadjack" my own thread? LOL!

I tried to join in this weekend but it didn't work.. ha! I was heavily ignored so I gave up... !

KT you yelled at me for starting this, and so did some other person named "K". So why are you all on page 651 now if I was so WRONG ???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

HA! love ya!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by giovanna123:
<strong> Hey, am I allowed to "threadjack" my own thread? LOL!

I tried to join in this weekend but it didn't work.. ha! I was heavily ignored so I gave up... !

KT you yelled at me for starting this, and so did some other person named "K". So why are you all on page 651 now if I was so WRONG ???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

HA! love ya! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gio your right!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

There is nothing we could do anyway. The Law Firm has the charge against her. She did ask if we could have them drop it. But bottom line is she owes them money and they should get it.

I actually feel like it is nice to see her get her a$$ kicked around a bit. She DID go back, like clockwork, to get child support adjusted. We were just always prepared for her and protected very well.

I am glad they are holding firm on her. She caused it. She can pay it. The longer she waits, the more the service charges will be....all they have to do is wait for her home to close and they get it.

Lynn,

Out of curiousity how many times did OW have to take you to court for petty things before you got awarded lawyer fees? Also I know you have a RO against her. Has she violated it and if so did she get a slap on the wrist or go to jail?

Gio and anyone else that may post over <--- there... It no longer matters to me ~ I've been banned from there for some childish neener-neener stuff I did yesterday but dagnabbit I had FUN ~ I just wanted to give a heads up that EVERYONE is going to have their ISP's run and logged into the mod's little log book. FYI for anyone that isn't aware - she has a memory like an elephant, and keeps copies of EVERYTHING. She can pull up old posts from more than one site faster than you can say "how", keeps track of everyone's ISP's and she and the other one are both computer whiz types. It's not unusual for #1 to sit and compare ISP's for a bunch of people to see if they are the same person - it's her HOBBY - she doesn't do much of anything else. And if you're on her "list" of potential trolls, she's got a program on her computer that plays music to alert her that you've posted. So just be careful if you post there!! And I'm NOT talking about Ryansbob.

JoshMom,

I don't post over there but have read often.

Too bad they have banned one of the few healing voices of reason and logic that they had.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just got bored yesterday, that's all. LOL I was childish, but hey, we all have to let loose once in a while and I was peeved that some stuff got deleted.

ok so now YOU get BANNED for playing around! That is HIlarious!
Never though BIG BROTHER would be an OW!!!!!! LOL (that was a joke, I don't care about the mods label IRL)

WEll, you are welcome here ya' know.

You had probably outgrown that 'clique' a long time ago anyway.

Have a Happy Valentines Day everyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

xoxoxox
kt