Currently we are living a very quiet life dealing with OW … But that may change in the near future… We have to go to court over child support.

She and I communicate, though very limited from her side… mostly a mirror of what I tell her about Lil Bit, and complete fabrications…
Mr Lee has a much harder time dealing with OW.
I wouldn’t call us friends. I would call us partners in raising Lil Bit. She is mostly the silent partner.. LOL

I find it funny that 2 ½ year ago, I was told I was only a Part Time Parent... and now I am FULL TIME!!
I am Mommy and OW is Momma. Lil Bit chose what she would call us. We did not force her to call either of us Mommy/Momma… She has gone through spells of calling each of us by our first names… but has reverted to calling us Mommy and Momma.
I don’t know if OW is bothered by it… but I do know OW’s Mother is frustrated by it.
Lil Bit has told me that her Gma has told her that I am Stacia.. not Mommy. But Lil Bit keeps calling me Mommy.

I have even built a website which I share pictures and stories about Lil Bit’s daily life with OW and her family. They have yet to post or share pictures and stories, but I keep the site active so they can.

I may be doing most of the communicating and trying… but at least I am trying.

Stacia

Stacia!!

(TJ in progress)

How goes it Mama Bear? Every now and again I think of you and your king size heart. The one thing that I find myself wondering about most is Lil Bit's older brother. Whatever happened with him? How is life (and xOW) treating him? I so much hope for a happy ending for that kid.

OB1

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: ohbratti1 ]</small>

Agreed: makes more sense for BS and xow to work visitation issues---if possible---so long as there's poja between married spouses.

1)decreases contact between H and xow, increasing trust within marriage.

2)moms are, generally, more detailed AND more communicative. WHO tracks family activities, phone #s, medical things, kid favorites, paperwork, holiday gifts, etc. etc.?? ME!!!

I think in order for the C to work and work smoothly for everyone. Its an everyone thing. We all have a part in raising these great children no matter where/who/why they are here. They are here because God choose for them to be here. I am trying my best to do what is right for Baby A. I think everyone here knows that and I am a firm beleiver of C working. But it takes work, hard work, to get there. You don't stop because things get difficult at times. You get over the bumps and get to what matters most. My M is my first concern and then the children. We have worked hard on repairing what both of us have broken. OW has done her best in interfering. And I think w/ most of C going though H, well we all know that most men don't get this right! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> But with her actions lately its been more of a way for her to have C w/ him, than anything. So its been alittle hard to get along w/ her knowing that or feeling that. And it will be H responsibilty to hande it, right or should I call and say something? What do you think?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I was able to be very civil w/ OW & some moments 'felt' friendly but I would never want to be 'friends' w/ OW & IRL, I don't think we would have been. Besides having sex w/ my H,(oh & being a mother <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) we have nothing in common.

OW is not the type of person I would ever normally be friends w/.

But the bottom line IS: OW did NOT want OC to have C w/ us & would stop @ nothing until her goal was achieved. And that is exactly what happened.

IF an OW or FOW really wants her child to have a father in thier life....then I think eventually, things will @ least be civil between the parties & they will all get a long for the children's sakes. If that is the REAL goal then the focus MUST be on the child & not the A or your personal feelings.

Our OW could NOT get past her own personal 'feelings'....."uh, get your own dang therapist! sheesh!" kwim?

Do I think it's possible? yes, do I think it's likely? no.


xoxox
kt

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KT, which is truely sad as your kids have to go through what they went through. Some people are truely selfish and when they use there kids well that is as low as you can go. Who would not want there child to have a father? Really? Hopefully in time the younger ones will forget? the majority of it? I hope so for there sake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunnydale:
<strong> I think in order for the C to work and work smoothly for everyone. Its an everyone thing. We all have a part in raising these great children no matter where/who/why they are here. They are here because God choose for them to be here. I am trying my best to do what is right for Baby A. I think everyone here knows that and I am a firm beleiver of C working. But it takes work, hard work, to get there. You don't stop because things get difficult at times. You get over the bumps and get to what matters most. My M is my first concern and then the children. We have worked hard on repairing what both of us have broken. OW has done her best in interfering. And I think w/ most of C going though H, well we all know that most men don't get this right! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> But with her actions lately its been more of a way for her to have C w/ him, than anything. So its been alittle hard to get along w/ her knowing that or feeling that. And it will be H responsibilty to hande it, right or should I call and say something? What do you think?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your a smart lady Sunny, what DO you think? What do you FEEL you should do?

Really Mary? Cash out every penny I could get on my CC / savings / IRA's everything. Pack my bags (by myself) and move to Jamaca and open a hut bar on the beach! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But can't do that now can I. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> With the year I've been having! LOL !
Its really tempting. KWIM! And w/ help from others informing her of the situations in my life, well I think it has opened the door for the games she is now playing. But who knows. I've tried to remain possitive about everything, but right now I'm not getting there. Me and H are doing much better and I think I need to work on the C w. her and handling things because lately I just hadn't wanted to. Too much "other" stuff in my life. The last conversation (by phone) we had turned into me being "short" "not nice" w/her (these are her words). So I told H the only C would be by email or in writing so no one can say I said something or did something I didn't do. KWIM. But I'm not giving up, not yet, like most of you have incouraged me by reminding me that I am different and I am better than that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> KT, which is truely sad as your kids have to go through what they went through. Some people are truely selfish and when they use there kids well that is as low as you can go. Who would not want there child to have a father? Really? Hopefully in time the younger ones will forget? the majority of it? I hope so for there sake. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget what? OC?----LOL--not likely....we haven't seen or heard from OC in almost 7 mos & the 4.5 yo just yesterday drew a 'family' picture w/ : me, DH, himself, ds, dd AND oc.

But I probably help 'keep the dream alive' by continuing to send mail to OC regularly & the ktbunch always has tons of drawings to include. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Forget OW antics?---oh yah, no problem there...except for the oldest, of course. The other 2 don't have any recollection of that I believe.


sorry for the tj.

xoxoxo
kt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunnydale:
<strong> Really Mary? Cash out every penny I could get on my CC / savings / IRA's everything. Pack my bags (by myself) and move to Jamaca and open a hut bar on the beach! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But can't do that now can I. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> With the year I've been having! LOL !
Its really tempting. KWIM! And w/ help from others informing her of the situations in my life, well I think it has opened the door for the games she is now playing. But who knows. I've tried to remain possitive about everything, but right now I'm not getting there. Me and H are doing much better and I think I need to work on the C w. her and handling things because lately I just hadn't wanted to. Too much "other" stuff in my life. The last conversation (by phone) we had turned into me being "short" "not nice" w/her (these are her words). So I told H the only C would be by email or in writing so no one can say I said something or did something I didn't do. KWIM. But I'm not giving up, not yet, like most of you have incouraged me by reminding me that I am different and I am better than that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Yeah Jamica sounds pretty good about now!!! LOL. You are so funny! See you know what to do...you have already figured it out. YOU are one smart cookie girlfriend. I have a feeling it will come back to bite HER in the butt. does She realize how lucky she is? You my friend have had more going on than most and have kept your composure and faith up. KUDOS to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> KT, which is truely sad as your kids have to go through what they went through. Some people are truely selfish and when they use there kids well that is as low as you can go. Who would not want there child to have a father? Really? Hopefully in time the younger ones will forget? the majority of it? I hope so for there sake. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget what? OC?----LOL--not likely....we haven't seen or heard from OC in almost 7 mos & the 4.5 yo just yesterday drew a 'family' picture w/ : me, DH, himself, ds, dd AND oc.

But I probably help 'keep the dream alive' by continuing to send mail to OC regularly & the ktbunch always has tons of drawings to include. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Forget OW antics?---oh yah, no problem there...except for the oldest, of course. The other 2 don't have any recollection of that I believe.


sorry for the tj.

xoxoxo
kt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KT, I meant no offensive by it. And with my one's memory I should have known better uh? It's so sad. Do you hear back from her? If I was in that situation that would be a way to share with each other with the pictures back and forth. My kids do that for my parents. Well my parents don't draw back they write back...but you know what I mean.

none taken, of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I even included a SASE in the last letter so that OW wouldn't have to do ANYTHING but drop it in the mail from OC---but nope, NOTHING!!!!!!

A bit discouraging! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
But whatever! NOT MY PROBLEM!

Some days...I'm SO tired of being MATURE! kwim?

kt

Well, I sent her an email to see how Baby A was doing and some insurance stuff. We'll see if I get a response.(I wuz NICE!) I think we would be better at communicating if H stayed our of it too. I mean on issues he knows nothing about anyway. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I figured I should stick around in the south for awhile yet b-4 I take up the dreadloc hair do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My D said I wouldn't look good w/ that hair style anyway. Thanks !
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I'm struck by the assumption on this thread that only if the people involved act like "adults" is meaningful relationships with the OW possible. It implies that it's childish to choose not to.

There are some very capable, mature, loving ADULTS on this forum who may NEVER want to have a relationship with an OW. They act in adult ways towards the OW, as well as their own family. They leave the other woman alone, and ask for nothing more than the same from them.

So if you ask me...the first prerequisite for having a good relationship is to "desire" one, to make a decision to creat one...it's not being "an adult". Even adults, who act like adults, and don't exhibit childish behavior may STILL decide not to have a relationship. Even adults who act childishly often DO have relationships. Presenting this argument...that it is an "adult thing" is very disrespectful I believe.

Starfish, I agree 100%

I have always found that most people, on here, think "acting like an adult" meant...."doing whatever ow/oc needed/wanted"

I consider myself quite adult. I am reliable, dependable, and a solid citizen of my community. My choosing to not have anything to do with ow/oc does not make me a child. I makes me an adult who made a choice and stuck by it.

I have found that attitude to be one of the most dangerous ones that I have read here. It forces so much of ones beliefs and wishes onto another, no matter what the cost.

While I am well known to be pro-no contact, I have never, not once, called anyone a fool for choosing contact. I have always stood by any wife and encouraged her to do what is best for HER and HER family. Yet there are those who feel that anything less then contact with the oc is wrong.

Starfish and Lynn,

I didn't really think that what we/they meant was that only childish people do NC.

I think you are right that all parties have to want it first and foremost. Like in KT's situation, it just seems like the OW wanted C w/H, not necessarily to share her child with the other family. I think that's the part about the OW you have to figure out. If she is just wanting to use her child as a pawn, well that's not very ADULT is it?? I guess that's the one I was most concerned about acting ADULT. As far as my part in acting ADULT, I guess I would just have to think that I couldn't attack the OW because of my own emotions/insecurities. That would be something I would have to work out with my H as far as how C is handled and agreed upon by both of us. So YES, many adult people choose NC and that's fine with me, but in order for C to work, people have to put their most mature foot forward and work it out like ADULTS, not children reacting to every situation like it's all about them. Cause you know when you're a child it IS all about YOU :-).

cold,

I appreciate your effort to explain what is meant here by "adult", but this is a recurring theme on this board. As Lynn mentions, it comes up again and again....this use of the phrase to describe what's wrong with the relationships between OW and BW. "Act like an adult" is thrown around like a mantra to many who decide that NC is their choice, or BW who get angry about anything.

Adults OFTEN act angry, childish, foolish etc. People who are intelligent and mature often argue, worry, fret and rage. But acting LIKE an adult doesn't mean that a relationship with specific person is more likely to happen. It depends on both people. It depends on each of their desire to be co-operative. It depends on what kind of personalities they have...is one very religious? is one very controlling? is one really manipulative?. Even if you act like an adult...you can't control how the other side will act. I know people where acting like an adult actually HAMPERS your ability to be friends with them because they prefer NOT to act like adults.

The phrase is disrespectful because when you tell people they need to act like adults....what you're REALLY saying is "stop acting like a child". Acting like an adult in this situation assures NOTHING. It is THE WILLLINGNESS by both parties that creates a relationship between them. Within that relationship....they are bound to both act childishly and in adult ways...because people are complex and this situation is complex.

So if folks here truly want to bridge this gap....it will be far better served by not continuing to throw around the "adult" argument and give them some specific things to try....IF that is their desire.

This "adults must act like adults" is not just rude...it's wrong...it assures nothing. Rather than saying "act LIKE and adult" talk about what that MEANS in THIS context...co-operation, getting to know each other, concentrating on the children...whatever REAL strategies can be shared. In fairness, some did that...but the "adult" mantra is overdone.

I know people where acting like an adult actually HAMPERS your ability to be friends with them because they prefer NOT to act like adults.

I see what you mean about the word "ADULT", I guess you said it right there. People prefer not to be cooperative, not to think of the children first, not to act with their heads vs. their hearts.

I would never think someone who chose NC was not acting like an adult. That is an adult decision made with their own adult reasoning, but I see what your saying about using the term as a generality that everyone perceives the same way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> cold,

recurring theme on this board. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are MANY recurring themes on this board. Add this particular one to another "sterotype". If it's not you, then just ignore.

ent

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If it's not you, then just ignore.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless it is blatently anti-marriage and/or pro-affair. Then do not ignore... report.