I had an arranged marriage 3 months back with someone I met for just 30 minutes. And she said she has had a previous relationship, but nothing physical. I never had any relationship at all before this. I am from Asia and we believe in virginity and love after marriage, etc. In spite of that, I went ahead and got married, and we had a wonderful honeymoon, have been making love thrice a day but then one day she said, she and her ex-BF had made love just once because he forced her to, and i was so upset and I went to a hooker that evening, but then slowly I tried to forget it, then one day she said, we(she and her ex) always used to date and hug and kiss all day and he used to touch her all over , for 3 years, and i felt broke, I went to a strip bar that evening and finally yesterday, she said, she actually had sex more than once (7 to 8 times) and also confessed lots of other lies.<BR>I was totally broke, I broke all the presents I had given her and also slapped her, but I cried after that. I lost all trust in her.<BR>Dont know whether I should just keep forgetting and forgiving OR find another person for myself. Now I see all the bad things about her. She knows nothing, does not earn/work, is not ambitious, does not have a sense of humor, cant even cook, is very careless, not presentable in front of friends and colleagues because she is shy and is not physically attractive too.<P>I know I am young and immature. Hence i need suggestions. What do i do ?

someone please HELP !!!!

Your culture and mine are different, I realize. But, I'd suggest that you Forgive her past...it really doesn't matter now.<BR>What matters is what you two can look forward to...If you did not know about her past sexual encounters, what would you do? <BR>Work on your future...<P>

David,<P>Welcome to MB!!! First I suggest you visit a WELCOME POST by our friend Jim (NSR), it is located in the "Just Found Out" Forum and will give you useful links and great concepts. Just click here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>I had an arranged marriage 3 months back with someone I met for just 30 minutes. And she said she has had a previous relationship, but nothing physical. I never had any relationship at all before this. </B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I remember my great-grand father telling me about pre-arranged marriages in his time, now this was close to 100 years ago (he was born in 1888 and married at 18), so the feeling of marrying someone who one hasn't met before is totally unknown to us. So she had one relationship and you had none, did you like each other when you met, did you learn to like each other once you were married?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>I am from Asia and we believe in virginity and love after marriage, etc. In spite of that, I went ahead and got married, and we had a wonderful honeymoon, have been making love thrice a day </B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am from Mexico, where most men would not even consider marrying a girl who is not virgin and we are expected to have enough "training" beforehand so we can be some sort of Superman in bed (which seldom happens). I understand this concept very well although I never consider it when thinking about marrying; I didn't care about been the first one but rather the last one (didn't work out this way either, but that's another story). Love before and after marriage doesn't just happen, it is a seed that we plant and then water carefully every day until a bush grows; we continue to take care of this plant until one day, not knowing how or when it happened, we love and feel loved. In the western culture we unconsciously decide where to plant the seed once we find common interest with the object of our future love: men bring flowers, we date, we get to know each other and one day we propose. Your marriage is a new relationship, despite the fact that you are married to this girl you met her only 3 months ago and basically just don't know each other. You say you had a wonderful honeymoon so I guess it was more than just physical (although it was a first for you), you were getting to know each other and probably fell "in love", another way of saying infatuation.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B> but then one day she said, she and her ex-BF had made love just once because he forced her to, and i was so upset and I went to a hooker that evening, but then slowly I tried to forget it, then one day she said, we(she and her ex) always used to date and hug and kiss all day and he used to touch her all over , for 3 years, and i felt broke, I went to a strip bar that evening and finally yesterday, she said, she actually had sex more than once (7 to 8 times) and also confessed lots of other lies.<BR>I was totally broke, I broke all the presents I had given her and also slapped her, but I cried after that. I lost all trust in her.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Let me try to guess here: the girl just met you in a very traditional environment, she is marrying you in 30 minutes so there is not much time to talk; I imagine there were relatives and friends around so any conversation between you two couldn't release much information even if you sat at a corner by yourselves (or did you manage to tell her everything about your past then… or later?). Later she starts to like you and trust you, so she feels confident enough to tell you the truth… drop by drop so she won't hurt you or fearing what your reaction may be; or maybe it's that she is traditional and obedient too (or she wouldn't had accepted the marriage) and feels obligated to tell her husband, but most likely she began to trust you: she could had kept it a secret for ever and whatever she did was before you met.<P>Just remember that she she hasn't sleept with anybody after marrying you and maybe hiding the truth was a way to protect herself from an unknown man. She tells you she slept with this BF once and you go to a hooker… she confesses that they did a lot of foreplay and you go to a strip bar… sounds like revenge to me… are you hurt in your feelings or your ego? (I know I'm hurt in both areas).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Dont know whether I should just keep forgetting and forgiving OR find another person for myself. Now I see all the bad things about her. She knows nothing, does not earn/work, is not ambitious, does not have a sense of humor, cant even cook, is very careless, not presentable in front of friends and colleagues because she is shy and is not physically attractive too.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So the honeymoon is over, the passion faded and there's not much left. Do you live in the USA and had the marriage arranged from here or was it an imposition by your family? In any case it sounds like you married an obedient and traditional Asian girl, is this what you wanted? She's probably hurt too and sorry for having told you, away from her family and not knowing what to do. It's up to you, do you want to save this marriage or not? All here want to save his/her relationship because it's based on love or what each of us interprets as such but again: love doesn't just happen, it is a voluntary action.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>I know I am young and immature. Hence i need suggestions. What do i do ?</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How old are you and how old your wife?; I can only suggest to read the material in this web site, to post any time you need to ask a question or need to vent and to reply to any other posts that you want. Should you decide to stay married this is the best web site around.<P>Take care of yourself & I hope that you make the right decision.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

WWelcome <B>david0001</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>Alex was kind enough to point it out... It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>I agree with the other posts...<BR>There are cultural differences that may make some of the "usual" recommendations inappropriate.<P>The MB principles... effectively rely on there having been a past history of some sort of "passionate love" type relationship...<BR>...your situation does not have that.<P>The principles also rely on having some understanding of your partners <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<BR>...3 months is a short time.<P>One other aspect... is that, regardless of which plan of action you persue... you need to eliminate what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. You going to a strip-club and seeing a hooker are big-time <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. Is this behavior you can stop?... now and in the future?<P>I'm sure much of these "negatives" are countered by cultural upbringing... but as Alex said...<BR>...based on that upbringing... do <B>you</B> see this as a healthy relationship... now and in the future? Do you see yourself or your W wanting to work on that relationship? After reading the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts</A>... do they apply to your situation?<P>There is not one answer...<BR>... a lot of self examination is in order.<P>Best of Luck...<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 05, 2000).]

David,<P>You said about your wife:<BR>She knows nothing, does not earn/work, is not ambitious, does not have a sense of humor, cant even cook, is very careless, not presentable in front of friends and colleagues because she is shy and is not physically attractive too.<P>In our culture, you'd be considered a wife beater and adulterer. Yet, in your culture (I'm holding back the bile now) you are justified in doing all of these things and degrading your wife because she wasn't a virgin when she married you. I also understand that in your culture, your wife would be greatly shamed if you dumped her, for any reason. I don't feel sorry for YOU at all. I feel infinitely sorry for your wife that she was born into a culture that considers her valuable as long as her hymen is not broken before marriage and enslaves her in so-called marriage to mean, hypocritical men like you. Barf, barf, and more barf. If both of you live in the U.S., she will suffer less shame if she is divorced. So my advice is to divorce her rather than to continue her bondage/slavery to you, someone who has cheated on her, hit her, and degrades her.

thanks everyone - i do want to work to build the relationship and i promise to stop the hooker/strip-bar thing.<P>fly, i understand exactly what you say bcoz i understand the cultural differences, but the asian culture is deep-seated in me from 25 years, and the mind shift will take a while . My days are like Tom Cruise in "Eyes Wide Shut" - the thought of someone touching her just keeps hurting me. Everytime I feel like doing something for her, I get a thought that she has already had this feeling before and so now its no big deal. I wanted to plan a wonderful valentine's day for her - a limou , ball and la rousse - but then a thought crossed that she already had 3 great valentine days in past 3 years, but i didnt..... <P>all i want to know is how to shut out these thoughts, how to put a memory block.<P>btw, fly, in the past 1 week after i hit her, i have cried at least 10 times for hitting her and demeaning her.<BR>

David, <P>Sorry, But just crying about hitting your wife is not enough. In your first post, you said with pride that you were a virgin before your marriage. I emphasize "were". Based on what you have said, you are now an adulterer and a wife-beater. I do not think you have any place to criticize your wife. <P>Your wife did have sex before marriage, and that was wrong, however, she has not violated her marriage vows, as you have. I suggest that you approach her, apologize for your behavior, and resolve to improve your marriage from this point on. <P>May the Lord Bless you and Keep You. <BR>John

Well, to be honest, I tried to commit adultery twice, but didnt do it. I got an escort home, she danced and thats it. I didnt have sex with her. And now I have admitted this to my wife, and also said sorry more than once. I do feel guilty for everything, and we seem to have made up. But once in a while, I do get the thought that it would have been great if she wudn't have had a relationship and she wud be experiencing all these feelings for the first time with me, like I am. In that case the intensity of her feelings for me wud have been much greater.<P>She keeps saying that when her ex-BF used to touch her or make love to her, she never used to feel anything, but with me, she does. She has really opened up with me and has told me things that she probably hasn't told anyone. She has told me instances of rape attempts on her, and how she started masturbating, how she started boozing, smoking, etc. - that she never wanted to do all this, but ended up - she always wanted to be a nice girl, and with me, she wants to become the same girl what she was when she was a child..........<P>my only problem is how do i stop those pictures that come to my mind, that someone else is having an orgasm inside her....someone else is touching her......and all the while when she does not want him to do it, she just wanted him to hug and kiss her.......i feel like he was using her and i wasnt there to stop him.......

<B>Fly:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>...I feel infinitely sorry for your wife that she was born into a culture that considers her valuable as long as her hymen is not broken before marriage and enslaves her in so-called marriage to mean, hypocritical men like you…</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>IsIt2late:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>...you are now an adulterer and a wife-beater. I do not think you have any place to criticize your wife.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think MB is intended for judgement. This is supposed to be a place where we gather looking for understanding, support and advise. I live in a resort area that many foreigners call home, and yet many locals (usually the ones who do not have any contact with them) criticize their cultures or family relationships. I can tell by my own experience that adapting to a different culture or learning from it (even in my own country when I met my W) is a difficult task, and one that one must pursue with a good reason, in David's case for love or what he interprets as such (again, love is understood differently depending on the upbringing and environment).<P>Here, we have programs to stop domestic violence, adultery & child abuse as we understand them today, but remember that all these were not consider "as" abnormal in the US and Europe not so many years ago.<P>So David is willing to save his marriage and I think he is in the best forum to learn how to do it, and in any case to learn how to let go if it doesn't work.<P><B>David,</B><P>Read, read & read again the articles by Dr. Harvey as well as other posts in this site; reply as often as you can, post when you feel like it, been it to vent, to inquire or even to share a laugh (we all need this too); if possible buy Harvey's books and other publications available (there are some posts by Jim (NSR) regarding books & useful links.<P>Take care of yourself & wife (and yes, you have to apologize).<P>Alex<P>PS: I just posted my reply and noticed your new note.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>...my only problem is how do i stop those pictures that come to my mind, that someone else is having an orgasm inside her....someone else is touching her......and all the while when she does not want him to do it, she just wanted him to hug and kiss her.......i feel like he was using her and i wasnt there to stop him.......</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There is a Mexican rime that translated goes like "whatever wasn't in my year wasn't against me". There is no way you could have been there "to stop him", and even if you were you had no right to do so. All those pictures in your mind are nothing but jealousy (been there, felt that too when I met my W) and all I can suggest you is to make a conscious decision to love her and a effort to think about something else; when you are with her concentrate precisely on her and GIVE; you'll gain her love and through time her response will erase all those insecurities. Also individual and/or couple counseling may help to free thae bad energy & feelings and for a fresh start.<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn (but when?)<P>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 09, 2000).]<P>(Today edition was only to correct punctuation).<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 10, 2000).]

Thanks ThisAlex,<P>I understand that i m going thru lot of jealousy, ego-problems, and also feelings have been hurt big-time. I am willing to just GIVE and just love and I know thats what my wife also wants to do.<P>But somewhere within me, there is regret that this happened, a feeling of defeat.<P>I think everyone (including Fly ) has a right to pass judgement. But I dont want to argue about cultures. Transitioning from the Asian to American culture was MY CHOICE, not something imposed on me. I am not changing to christianity or anything, but I believe in equality for men and women. You had asked our age earlier, I am 25 , my wife is 23. I work here, but she does not, we do the household chores together, and we spend the evenings and weekends together. Other than work, I dont go out with anyone else, spend all the time with her. She has low self-confidence, and I keep telling her that if she doesn't know anything, she can learn it in just a few months and we will have a great life, we will have all our dreams fulfilled. And I do have lot of confidence in her and I keep encouraging her.<P>But then once in a while, I get a feeling that now both of us have to work to move up in life, whereas when I was studying hard so that both of us (me and a dream-person that i wud someday meet) can have a wonderful life, she was having fun with someone else. I have told her this many times by now and she feels guilty. I realised I shudnt have said so. But there were times when I was terribly hurt. <P>One night i did try drinking myself to death - but i think it was to catch her attention. In the morning she told me that I puked a lot and I was not able to stand , so she was just holding me, and I felt guilty that here is someone who will always be there for me, but how am i treating her.<P>Anyways, now we seem to have reconciled, but there is another problem....<P>The physical attraction that i used to have in the first 3 months for her is no longer there. At times, we used to do 6 times a day, never less than thrice, but now never more than once a day. May be its just to do with the fact of having pent-up sexual desires for 25 years which now having been satisfied, the attraction has waned. Or mebbe some Erectile dysfunction with me. Or mebbe we dont know how to do it. Or it might be that I still have that regret in my mind that it might have been better had I met the person I always dreamt of, though I know that the probability for such a thing happening is very low, cuz no one's perfect.<P>She is so naive about sex, that when she actually had it with her ex-BF, she didnt even know what exactly they were doing; when she had an orgasm for the first time with me, she didnt even know what is happening to her, and why her legs are shivering, etc. And I feel, that she is so cute and innocent, and why cant i be her prince-charming....<P>she told me that her ex-BF forced her into making love, she never wanted to, but she herself asked me to make love to her. she did tell me that when she saw Titanic, she wanted a Jack in her life, and I am her Jack - and that even if I hate her, she will always love me and even if I dont ever make love to her, its ok, but just before dying she will want me to hold her and make love to her.<P>I feel so guilty for slapping her once, calling her names, shouting at her, asking her to go away from my life, and for making her feel guilty for everything. Right now, more than having a wonderful sex life, I am more concerned about bringing back the smiles on her face, the smiles that I had seen on Day 1 when she was excited about marrying me.<P>Help me !!

David--<P>You expressed that perhaps Valentine's gifts would not be as special to her, having had a few before with her ex-bf. Believe me, gifts from you, even if they were the EXACT SAME THING, are new, and special, and thrilling to her, because they are from YOU. And the look of love in her eyes will make it all worthwhile.<P>A suggestion to fade your thoughts of your W with her ex-bf sexually...make love with the lights on, or romantic candles. Maintain eye contact. Talk to each other during. <P>Your W trusted you enough to confide that guilty secret to you. She's borne your anger well. She is as hurt as you are. I truly think you can rise above this. Forgive each other. Put it in the past and look toward the future. In your anger, her "negative" side was revealed to you in one huge chunk. As a result, you dumped your "negative" side on her too. Look for her positive side while you show YOUR positive side. Focus on her endearing qualities. You will hopefully both grow together and share a beautiful life. So...get to work on it! <P>(Once a day sex is, uh, great! Believe me, you're just settling down into a comfortable routine. I wouldn't be surprised with more hectic schedules if that drops down to less than every day. Don't worry. I personally DREAM of thrice-a-day sex.)

Thanks everyone so far,<P>So i guess the problem is nailed down to this. <P>1. I need to figure out a way how to block out all the thoughts of her previous encounters from my mind ( not just sexual, even his touching her, or their going to a restaurant )<P>Another thing, I always admit to her the instant I get a disturbing thought and I have told her that I am trying to get over it, but it will take me a while.<P>2. She might be having a feeling of regret and guilt that by marrying me, she ruined my life and shattered my dreams (I did tell her that several times). How do I reassure her that its not true ?<P>One more thing, I already admitted to her that I used to go to strip bars before marriage , and also about cybersex and a brief 2 month long-distance relationship, and she keeps saying I dont want to listen to anything. But I just told her everything anyways. I am not sure how she has taken all that. I think she is too guilty of what she has done in the past to put any thought to this.<P>Another of my concerns is : how to deal with the society at large. So long as all this is between the two of us, I can live with it, but there are lots of people who know about her affairs. What if it gets out, what if MY family finds out, MY friends find out. Given the culture that I belong to, it would be difficult to handle such a situation.

OK, I have been lurking this one out and now I can't keep my big mouth shut any longer. GRRRRRR!<P>David, I care very much for the situation and your frustrations. I am also feeling very angry with what I interpret as a hypocritical attitude on your part.<P>You said:<BR>"One more thing, I already admitted to her that I used to go to strip bars before marriage , and also about cybersex and a brief 2 month long-distance relationship, and she keeps saying I dont want to listen to<BR>anything. But I just told her everything anyways. I am not sure how she has taken all that. I think she is too guilty of what she has done in the past to put any thought to this."<P>You seem to feel that she does not want to hear about your long distance 2 month relationship and other past history because of HER GUILT?????? Come on. My guess is that she is living in the PRESENT and hoping for great things in the FUTURE and she is mature enough to realize that spending her energies thinking about what happened BEFORE SHE EVER MET YOU would be a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.<P>While I applaud your efforts at honesty, I question your motives. Despite knowing that she did not wish to hear about it, you persisted....punishment? <P>What would you like from your wife at this point? Honesty? You got that. Someone who cares about you? You got that. For her to be able to erase any and all of her past from BEFORE SHE EVER MET YOU? If I were a genie I would do this for you but alas, I am sorry, no can do Aladdin. Do you wish for a fulfilling life-long relationship with her? You will slowly ruin any possibility of this if you persist to live in the PAST and hold her accountable for actions she cannot change.<P>YOU had relationships before you met her. Could you imagine how horrible it would be for her to focus solely on YOUR conversations, visits to restaurants, etc, etc. Cybersex? Strip Clubs? I'm sorry but it further removes my humble opinion of "the virtuous David hath been wronged" line. (Compounded by the fact that YOUR actions were not limited to the pre-marital state). So what does that make the score W-5 David-?<P>You also said:<BR>"She might be having a feeling of regret and guilt that by marrying me, she ruined my life and shattered my dreams (I did tell her that several times). How do I reassure her that its not true?"<P>Uhhhhhhhh, by stop believing it YOURSELF????<P>Again you said:<BR>"Another of my concerns is : how to deal with the society at large. So long as all this is between the two of us, I can live with it, but there are lots of people who know about her affairs. What if it gets out, what if MY family finds out, MY friends find out. Given the culture that I belong to, it would be difficult to handle such a situation."<P>How do they know? I am assuming (sorry if wrong) that it wasn't from your wife..... What you are saying above is that you can not live with it if it is not just between the 2 of you.....well apparently it isn't. Now what? Do you still want to be married to her? If so then do what you can to make your relationship the best that you can for TODAY AND FOR TOMORROW. Stop focussing on the Me, me, me and look at us, us, us. (ie. MY family, MY friends,.... MY hurt, MY pain).<P>Do YOUR family and YOUR friends know about your less than virtuous behavious SINCE the start of your marriage? Do HERS? You do not seem the least concerned that HER friends/family may be aware of your (since being married) activities..........<P>David, I hope that you and your wife can see this through and come to know a loving and life long commitment to one another. You seem wanting to learn and move on. This is going to get easier - but only if you WANT IT TO.<P>Cheers<BR>Lisa<P>

David:<P>Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, (love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love)... get it?<P>Love is voluntary action of GIVING. You choose whom to love and how much (in this sense practically every single person in the world could be a "soul mate"). IF or WHEN you decide to love her you'll have it made. Read as many times as you need the articles on Plan A, Love Busters, etc.<P>One last thing: don't worry about "6 times a day"... if it included good foreplay and "afterplay" it would take you 6-8 hours at least, but you work, so... try to manage "making love" one hour a day and just plain loving the other 23. Sex drive is higher at the beginning of any relationship, specially when it was your first <B>(and practically hers too)</B>.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn (but when?)

Thanks everyone,<P>I realise that I have always been a selfish person in my life and I told this to her, even before she admitted her past to me. I told her things about my past, so that 5 years from now, when we are indispensable for one another, she should not feel that I never told her all this. I want her to know exactly what kind of a person I am. I tell her the deepest secrets about me. I have never ever confided in anyone so much. Not just the bad things, I have told her all the good things too, dreams of owning a Ferrari one day and having a vacation home in Hawaii and also that how much dedication and sacrifice wud be required to reach there. I keep telling her, that I had certain dreams and she had certain dreams. We need to keep discussing them to make all of them OUR dreams.<P>I also told her, that I might give **** to the world, but she should not take any **** from me or anyone else. If I hit her, she can hit me back. If I yell, you yell. I also keep telling her that she should not feel guilty because if I am hurt, its because of my past and not hers. I also tell her, that its because I am a weirdo, that she is having so many problems in life.<P>I always wanted one person that I would always care for, love , protect and all the good things. But sometimes I dont feel like that for her.<P>I think this is the basic problem with me. I have always been a nerd or a geek, always into studies, always serious, never had any girl-friends, never ever dated, never even said "hi" to a girl, because I was shy, blah blah blah. But I had a big ego, high opinion about myself, cuz I was very smart and intelligent. Whereas she has always got lot of attention from guys anywhere she went. Then she started hating that cuz she felt that everyone cares for her body, not for her heart, but when she met me, she felt that I am the person who thinks exactly like her. Whereas I always had just a dream person in mind , someone very innocent, someone who is just mine ( too possessive, hanh ! ) and I didnt get that. Earlier I used to feel that she married me cuz I am in US, I have a good life here, and when I was angry , I even told her that, and she felt very bad. Now I realise that at the end of the day, all she wants is that I love her. <P>Both of us have realised that it will take us a while to underrstand each other and build this relationship, but I guess I am more impatient, and I want instant infatuation, love at first sight, but its not there.<P>What you all refer to as a hypocrite is just a person who has been brought up on a culture, and is trying to shift his mentality to what he personally believes in. The culture that I belong to believes in division of labor into men and women - men protect and shelter women, women sit at home and provide love and comfort to men. In that culture, if a man doesn't have an orgasm 11th time in row, a woman is always held responsible for that. Guys, give me a break, I am changing, I am learning.<P>My wife doesnt even want to discuss our relationship with anyone. She doesnt know that I talk here. Thats the only thing I havent told her yet.<P>But yeah, one thing is true, I dont give a lot of thought to her feelings and what she is thinking. Its always MY. Because its always been like that. It will take a while to change. I want to change it instantly. But its not happening. <P>hey, I would love to be her prince-charming like TODAY. If I am not able to do that, i know its a problem with my thought process. <P>She told me that one of the worst moments of her life was when she made love to her ex-BF the first time. She cried all night. She told me that if she gets that magic eraser with which to erase her past, she will do that bcuz she will know that one day she will meet her prince charming. But at that time she didnt know that you are out there somewhere waiting for me. <P>Its not that I dont understand what all is going on in our relationship. When I am in my senses , I do understand everything. But I am the biggest emotional jerk you wud have ever seen, and its when I get emotional, that I turn off the thinking bulb and start crying/feeling bad. Sometimes I think I am suffering from some kind of depression. <P>I know my wife is very mature, patient, and probably just the right person for me. But then when I think this, I just get a thought, that if, if.............if , if ,..........if she wudnt have had a past , she wud have been THE PERFECT person for me. Quest for perfection is futile..........but Perfection slipping out of your hands is sad...........

hey, just as a side note - <P>now that things seem to be getting better .......<P>any cool ( but comparatively cheaper ) suggestions for the valentine's day....<P>the current list is dinner cruise, dance, and a room full of red roses (which i will be giving her the first time) and chocolates....and a wonderful dress as a gift.... of coz followed by lots of kisses and hugs....<P>the limou and the hawaii trip was a bit expensive, so dropped it out....<P>

Ummmm, David, <BR>You are to be commended for your desire to have a healthy relationship and you seem to understand that it will take some effort. <P>BUT............NO HITTING ALLOWED - BY YOU OR BY YOUR WIFE............I believe I speak for most on this forum when I say that ANY form of physical attack is abuse and is an abosolute NO NO. If you believe that you are at risk again, please seek some help to deal with the anger inside you. (The yelling isn't going to be of much help either...)<P>Best of luck.<P>PS You seem to be coming up with some good ideas for Valentine's Day. Wish I could offer some but it has been some time since this day has given me any good examples of romantic gestures, etc. Maybe this year will be different! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 10, 2000).]

one more thing,<P>all the while, whenever i did something wrong, strip-bar, hooker, slap, getting drunk and attempting a rape, it was just to prove to her, that I was a very good person earlier, but ever since I met her, I have changed....<P>if i look back, i dont think she has brought out the worse in me, she has only made me aware of my negative qualities.... i have gone thru lot of soul-searching by being with her. and i am only thankful to her for that.....<P><BR>but another thing, at times i tell her about other women at work, and that how sexy they are, etc. etc. but she never says anything.... i want her to be possessive about me, but she is not..... she said she didnt feel very bad when i went to the strip bar or got the hooker cuz she knows thats cuz of her past.....<P>i keep telling her not to feel guilty, but she keeps reassuring me that she messed up my life but one day she will fix it....<P>i dont know why i am writing all this, there is no question here......guess i just wanted to share all this with someone....... cant talk to friends, or family.... <P>

David,<P>You can't make anybody love you but you can make yourself lovable.<P>...And you can "talk" with your friends here at MB.<P>Keep it up!!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn (but when?)