Lord, these past couple of weeks have been trying. I injured my back at work, so I was out on L & I for a while. I'll update quickly, then get to the subject.<P>Resilient - my H erased the draft I made of the "Dear Jane" letter to Lana. I had addressed it simply as "Dear OW", from "An Enlightened H," and I accidentally left it on our PC without closing it. He saw it, got pissed and erased it, thinking that I was sending it to Janine (like I would waste the ink!) Our OW's have a lot in common, you know, the "rode hard and put away wet", chunky, ugly, alcoholic, welfare chicks that somehow manage to cast a spell on our men? No, I'm not bitter... If I can get my head together, I'll redo it (although I was so f'n proud of the original!)<P>Okay. Over the past three or four weeks, all I've been hearing about is "Katie." Katie's so great, so smart, this and that. My H is taking a Phlebotomy course at the college, and is the only man in a class of 25. "Katie" is his lab partner.<P>Well, now she's arranging it so that he can get a job working with her at a retirement home. She personally set up the interview. They've also coincidentally been in the same place at the same time a LOT of time lately - of course when I'M not around. I've never met the woman.<P>He told me that her car had broken down, and had asked if he could start giving her a ride home. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with that idea, especially since I had never met her. He said that he understood, and he'd tell her that she needed to find another way home. But for the past 2 weeks of classes, my H has been coming home an hour and a half to two hours after class ends. Our house is 20 minutes away from the college.<P>The first week, his excuse was that he had to jump-start his teacher's car because she left her lights on. HOW can you leave your lights on when it's PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE when you get there? Kinda hard to miss, don't you think? The second week, he said that he helped the teacher load the class supplies to her car. I would believe it, except for the fact that my H is definitely NOT one to be known as a "teacher's pet."<P>I went to visit him (okay, check up on him) last week. He saw me and quickly told me that I had to leave, because he needed to study. This was about 20 minutes before his class started, and he had already studied all week before. Katie was not there yet, and he was determined to have me leave RIGHT AWAY. Coincidence?<P>So I'm all gussied up tonight, and I will be waiting right by his truck after class tonight. I don't trust him, and I don't trust the situation. I want to find out what it going on. <P>So am I overreacting? Will this be a huge LB, or am I doing what any normal woman in my situation would do?<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 08, 2000).]

No way are you overreacting. My H's first A, I heard how great this new person he worked with was. Knew this was not good. Tried to warn him. He told her everything that went on in our life, so she knew exactly how to catch him.<P>I'd put on my "you don't want this heel up your a" heels and meet this Katie.<P><BR>You've been there before, you know the signs. I hope you're wrong.

I sure hope not. You are not overreacting. It is not an LB to be open in expressing your concerns, it is HOW you do it.<P>I'm old-fashioned I guess, but in my book there is just no room for other-sex friendships. After an A, there is less than no room!<P>I made the opposite mistake. There was no more I in this marriage, only we. I lost myself in serving my family and he cheated on me.<P>I say the opposite because it is also dangerous to not have a strong WE and OUR. Even aside from affairs, if he wants to have a friend named Katie, she should be OUR friend, not his.<P>Please let us know how you are...

It's definitly time for Katie girl to be your friend too. I say you've got guts. I wish I had done the same.<P>cleo

CB,<BR>I'm so sorry, I wish you are overreacting but not likely.<P>I just wonder if your H didn't learn anything from his post experience..<P>Again, I am very sorry, at least I hope you find out truth tonight.<P>Hugs,<P>Meg

Hi CB:<P>Gee...e..e.z, don't these guys ever learn. I know I could see this Katie coming a mile away....I hope you're wrong and it's only a friendship, but it really doesn't sound that way. <P>Don't worry, after the first time you recognize the signs and know when it's time to step in and do some husband claiming. Some women apparently don't understand that a married man is already "taken". Or more likely they just don't care. Show her that you do. <P>Hope it's not true for your sake.<P>Angels and Prayers - Faye

CB Have you looked for your deleted letter in your documents, or maybe in the recycle folder, or the program you wrote it in? I bet it is in there somewhere. <BR>I don't think you are overreacting at all, be concerned and hopefully it will end before it gets started.<BR>L

Oh, CB, not again!! I feel so bad that you are facing this again. I agree with the others that you should trust your instincts and check out the situation. If she's just a friend, then your H won't mind you being her friend, too.<P>Best wishes and prayers!

CB, did you find out anything last night????

Son of a b*tch.<P>Again, of course according to my "dear, loving" H, I overreacted. I think that if something isn't done, I'm getting ready to face another bad situation.<P>I went to the college. It was freezing outside, so I went into the building where his class is (I arrived about a half hour before the class was scheduled to get out.) The door to his classroom was open, so I waited outside the room, out of visibility. I could hear everybody talking, and my H was being very "social" with everybody (not a <I>huge</I> deal.) I hear him talking with the gals, borderline flirting with them. I had a book with me that I was going to act like I had been reading until his class got out. Well, he and Katie went up, did their skit, and then the teacher dismissed them. I heard Katie say she was dying for a cig, H gave her one and some matches. <P>I then hear her say, "now Tom, call me so that we can go out..."<P>H says, "I WILL..."<P>I am looking into anti-deps now, because with those two words that my H said, my temper went from 0 to PISSED OFF in a microsecond. Katie then walks out of the classroom. She's a plain-looking blond who is MAYBE 3 feet tall - b*tch looked a lot bigger on the Lucky Charms box (okay, I give her 5 feet seriously - TOPS!). I smiled at her - it didn't reach my eyes, though. Shoot, I don't want to upset her - she might punch me in the ankle! (I'm 5'9" flat-foot. In the heels I was in last night, I was about 6'1") Katie exits the building, and then I go outside of the room, and H spots me. I coolly look at him and say (in a real high voice, imitating the Chipmunk) "HEY, CALL ME SO THAT WE CAN GO OUT. OR BETTER YET, DON'T. BYE!"<P>He looks stunned, I walk off, and he starts calling after me. I walk straight into my car, and peel out of the parking lot. I sped up to him, and said, "so how long have you had her number?" He tells me that she just gave it to him so that "we all" could go out. I was like, "it doesn't sound like it was "we all" when she was talking to you!" He said that once again, I'm blowing things out of proportion. I sped off and went back to the house.<P>He got home before I did (I took a detour. I literally felt like I had snapped, like I was going crazy. I was so angry and depressed, I was capable of just about anything.) My mom had the baby last night, so I went in and started going off on my H. I told him that after the affair I found out about a year ago (D-Day anniversary is Nov. 17th), he PROMISED me that he wouldn't even put himself in the situation. He maintained that he hadn't put himself in the situation, that she had given him her number because she supposedly wanted ALL OF US, him, her, me, and her mom (?) - to go out. We called a momentary truce last night, and we're meeting for lunch today.<P>If he was just trying to cover his @$$ by saying I get to go out with them too, then I fully intend to call him on it. And I'm going to be in "fun" mode (I'll probably need an anti-dep and a couple of drinks before "officially" meeting her. Don't want to get too drunk though, I'd hate to step on her!) Seriously, when I try, I can make friends with just about anybody, dammit, I can BE a fun person! But maybe I won't have to worry about it, I don't know. But my guard is definitely up.<P>I'll let y'all know what happens at lunch today.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 09, 2000).]

Dear Mon Belle,<P>I am sorry that all these sound too suspicious. The wife is actually the protector of the H. So, I would pray that hedges of protection surround your H and your marriage so that no lover gets to him or vice versa. Please pray about your H's seemingly roving eye. <P>Let us know.<P>God bless and help you<BR>take care<BR>weep

Oh yeah, and to make myself feel better, I took his credit card, went to The Bon and bought a $300 pair of Ralph Lauren black leather pants, and a $150 Ralph Lauren Scarlet (I'm a relatively tan brunette, so deep, rich colors are fab on me. It's just finding them!) cashmere sweater. And I think I look pretty darn cute in that outfit! LOL! Shopping - it's so therapeutic!

CB,<BR>Good for you for facing your dragons.<P>I see one good, or possibly good thing in last night's scenario...she didn't wait around in the classroom for him. They didn't walk out together for a cigarette. And whatever is making him come home late from class didn't happen last night.<P>It isn't a nice tight chastity belt & iron mask & gauntletts for him, but it's something.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Okay, I think I'm going to change my name to "Carolina Chatterbox!"<P>Just got back from lunch with my H. It went well, we really communicated. I calmly explained that I truly did not believe that he ever has gone out with the intention of cheating on me, but I said that when you have an friendship with another woman, especially one that's exclusive of me, and is starting to take up your time, you are setting yourself up for an affair. He said that he understood that, and he said that he took Katie's number and said that he was going to talk to me about all of us going out. He said that he thought that was the best way for him to handle the situation. <P>So I don't know, guys. I'm still going to keep a leery eye on the situation, and I am going to make my presence known. Most OW I talk to say that it makes it easier on them not knowing the wife and pretending she doesn't exist. And I am going to be very fun and friendly to her when I meet her. I won't automatically dislike her unless she gives me a reason to. Wish me luck!

Hello CB,<BR>Great job with the lunch follow-up.<BR>I do think you had every right to be suspicious. Your relationship is very fragile, and he needs to recognize this! Innocent or not, it did not APPEAR that way to you, nor would it have to many of us. <BR>Just sharing....my h does not have friendships with women. He cannot even trust himself, so this was his idea. <BR>Does your h really trust himself?

sounds like youre playing it smart. Sorry that you have to be mixed up in all of this again. At least he knows you wont roll over and play dead for this anymore.<P>cleo

Don't let him blow smoke up you rearend.<BR>I don't want to be negaive here but it seems to suspicious for my comfort and my stbxw has helped develop me into a real good private eye. It takes about 10 minutes to jump start a car and how much could the teach put in her car? Be very careful. If he has had an affair before and is truely sorry and wanting to save your marriage, he would be running from other women's phone numbers. He would be home in 20 minutes or less. His answers lack alot of merit to me and don't deserve your trust. Plus, your battle is not with her, it's with him. She is only a threat if he lets her be. <BR>Does your signon name suggest you're from the Carolina's. If so, mind saying where?<BR>I am in NC near Charlotte. Remember, these are just my opinions and my trust department has been closed for sometime. Hope I don't offend but please don't set yourself up. Best trick in the world is the good friend of the marriage routine.<BR>LHC2

Dear Mon Belle,<P>Do you think your H is still unable to let go of ego-boosting attention from women. What from a huge Rosenanne to this ankle snapper? . You really do have a way to describe stuff - you should write for a woman's mag, really!<P>Okay, some men do have problems with turning down extra attention and that is often the trouble. I am not sure why he sees the need to become 'family friends' with her, unless they have to do study groups together. Whatever it is, I think that he needs to be very alert about falling into something that he doesn't want in the first place. Please discuss the ways your marriage can be affair proof with him, and ask him to contribute his ideas and feelings about this.<P>I think there are at least another 50 to 70 years or more of you both staying together, and achieving and maintaining that exclusiveness shouldn't be with such heartbreaking anxiety. But it can be a sign to really get the blueprint done, with fire exits and fire extinguishers all detailed, so that the next many decades can be lived in greater peace, harmony and trust.<P>Also, let him know that a marriage is wonderful because the partner is special, chosen over all others and that feeling f exclusiveness is the thing that really give each other the high. And of all people in the world, you chose each other, that should mean something?<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep<P>