delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

vernon3 - I'm a male, but I don't think it matters here. The gender roles could easily be reversed.<P>It's par for the course for WSs to be "hurt" by accusations of an affair. Usually it's a defense mechanism for denial. IMHO, you should assume an affair is in progress. Don't assume he's in withdrawal.<P>Yes, the LBs are forgivable, but you need to make some deposits to overcome the withdrawals. Read SAA immediately and start Plan A - which you may effectively be doing by trying to deposit love units. Avoid all conflicts. Consider counseling for yourself if he won't play.<P>DO NOT call the OW. If an affair is in progress, this will be a big LB and motivate your husband to defend her.<P>Finally, consider all the advice you get. Good luck.<P>WAT<P>

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

vernon3 - sorry for the shorthand. SAA is the book "Surving an Affair," by the Harleys. It is very good. It's one of many books on the market on this topic, but this one's basis is the Marriage Builders principles. There's quite a bit of common ground between the various books. Get it and read it immediately. Then read it again.<P>Will he eventually tell you the truth? It's likely, but the key word in your question is "eventually." Don't expect a quick admission or quick results. We all want our wayward spouses to be honest, but it's a long road to get there. Browse the other posts on the infidelity forum to gain a lot of knowledge.<P>Keep posting questions and coming back here for support. Good luck.<P>WAT

How long do I wait?<P><BR>

vernon3 - that's impossible to tell. You'll read that the typical affair lasts from 6 months up to 2 years. Some end upon discovery, others, like my wife's, continue to be denied. Some require separation before recovery, others don't. Some never recover.<P>If you're already spending money on counseling, consider a session with the Harleys through this site. They can get you going on a plan and can better diagnose your situation perhaps than your current counselor.<P>WAT

I'll just add 2 cents worth (if that). WAT has covered all the bases anyway. Whatever you said he can forgive. He isn't currently at the point that he wants to think about those things.<P>Regardless of what his plan might be, you can do a better one. Read as much as you can about Plan A, and follow that. No LBs, fill ENs as best you can. Be the best you can be, and be sure he notices. Take care of yourself.<P>Don't be fooled by the "very hurt to be accused of an affair". That is simply a defence mechanism. When you confront, they'll twist everything all around to try and make you look bad. I fell for all that in the early days of my wife's OM. I also got the "he might be interested" line in the beginning. When she was telling me that, it was already in full swing. Just be aware of things.<P>Anyway, hang in there and do your best to make positive changes and be the best you can be, especially as long has you have him living with you. Hopefully he never leaves.<P>Take care and keep us posted.

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

Welcome <B>vernon3</B>...<P>Sorry I'm so late...<BR>...a busy day!<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You seem to know your way around some/most of Plan A... and the other MB concepts.<BR>...just as a reference you may want to check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>1. All LBs are forgivable.<P>2. Avoid all contact with OP... if possible.<P>3. ck link to ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>4. Don't ask him how long he will <I>not</I> talk to you... Let him know you're always open to talk with him.<P>5. He is right that he has to get his "mind" straight... but in the mean time... you become an even better W... by Plan A-ing like there is no tomorrow.<P>Again... check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>PTC</A>.<P>You aren't alone...<BR>...and when you think on one else will... we will care!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Vernon3<BR>I just read your post and it sounds so much like what I went through with H's EA last summer. <P>H was inconsiderate and demeaning toward me, I felt like he wanted to drive me away.<P>H also said he might need "alone time", but that he would never leave. He wasn't good enough for me.<P>H took flowers to OW's apartment (after minor surgery) and has never brought any to me. <P>OW was co worker, both quit and H works at another company. OW supposedly has moved out of this area. <P>I am still trying to find the truth in this mess. H has never "told" me anything, I had to discover everything and confront him. Just recently he said he felt guilty going to lunch with OW and thinks that is why he distanced himself from me. <P>This was over a period of 2 yrs. I feel so stupid for trusting blindly. H now says that it is up to me to accept that he is trustworthy again. He doesn't reassure me but is more attentive. He never says "never again."<P>Yes, Plan A really brings results, though sometimes makes the WS more distant (with guilt) but s..l..o..w..l..y you will see a change and the communication will be easier and healing can begin. L

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]