I just want to curl up in a ball and waste away into a black oblivion. I can't do this anymore. I just don't understand, how can he just turn it off and walk away without trying to work it out? How can he just never want to talk to me again. And he doesn't hate me, he isn't mad. He just wants to forget that I loved him, he wants to forget we were married. I don't know how to do this anymore. I can't fulfill his EN's because he won't talk to me, only short emails about business. <P>He spends all his time with the OW, talks about how much he likes her kids and they like him. What about OUR kids...we don't have any, but what about the ones we should have had together if he would just stay? I just don't know what to do anymore. I am trying so hard, but he seems to think this is perfectly ok, and I'll get used to it all. In fact that is what everyone tells me, that time will make it hurt less. Really? First off, I don't think so and second off, for some sick reason I don't WANT it to hurt less. If it hurts less then I am not loving him enough (logically I know that isn't true, but still)....<P>AARRGGHHH!!! Why can't I just hate him, why can't I just move on. We have only been apart for 2 months, him in his own place 3 weeks. D-Day was July 18th...but it feels like eternity, I can't fathom this going on for months and months. I just don't know how to work on this marriage with him cutting me off, not being mean and nasty, just not contacting, replying, nothing. Doesn't even listen to everyones suggestion to go out sometimes. Does he think he will still want me and he doesn't want to? I just don't understand.<P>I know you all won't have any answers. I posted in this one because I had alot of questions and they shurely are "general" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for listening, I seem to be on a pity party rampage this week. Life just gets crappier and crappier with time, not better and better...

BJoanne...my heart goes out, but what about you? I'm only new in here, and maybe a little green in the wisdom stakes, but it struck me that your post was all about him him him. Stuff him! What about you? You are important. You have a life experience all of your own. You are the most important person on the planet to yourself. You must be! You deserve no less. And, I guess that's what you need to tell yourself. That's what I'm telling myself at the moment..and yeah...it hurts fit to burst, I know, but you ARE important and you DO deserve better. Who dares wins. Dare to be yourself.<P>Snerty

Dear BJoanne...<P>Your hurt is so fresh...but there is no answer to the why that is easy...<P>Please take your mind of him and OW and what they are doing...it will only cause you more hurt...<P>Please focus and take steps to make yourself stronger...<P>If you want your H...'play' the game...become strong...beat OW at her own game...what did your H love about you? How did you connect in your early relationship? This is what I did...I even became an 'echo' of OW...whatever he said he 'liked' about her, I did...<P>Make a game plan and play to win...the only loser in the end will be him...as either way YOU become STRONGER!!!<P>Cali

Dear BJ,<P>I am sorry for your pain. I have felt the same also. What I am about to tell you was told to me but being the stubborn 'ol mule that I am, it took a while for it to sink in. Hopefully you are better than I. <P>BJ, there is nothing to understand. If you could it would make sense. But it does not make sense because it is illogical what is happening. So please, don't waste your time trying to make logic out of stupidity. <P>That is the normal tendency to try to understand but really really it wont work. So in the meantime, allow yourself some recovery time. You need to curl up in a ball and cry ok but you are NOT allowed to waste away. You may shed a few pounds (I lost 20), but you do not need to go into oblivion. <P>Let him be. He is out there and there is really not much you can do. Now you can help yourself. Work on your self improvement. Learn to be the best you can be. Your H will notice. <P>His reactions may waver from jealousy to completely ignoring you. Know that he may run the gamut of emotions. Flaunt your good stuff. Not in a bad way, but don't hide your good side. <P>In time, you will grow and learn to enjoy different parts of your life. That will be ok. Sometimes you will cry. Anxiety attacks are common during this time. Know they can happen, get yourself to a safe place and allow your body to release it's tension. <P>You will not bounce bad to your normal schedule. You will learn to cope and learn how to handle it all. Strenghten your character and build your support group. Post and vent here as you need. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings here, we all know how you are feeling. <P>More encouragement will come. Please be a bit patient. Try not to be so hard on yourself. <P>Let others pamper you. You may miss what your H should be doing for you but work on good substitutes. Time does heal. It is just hard right now. No one needs to force you to do any more than you can handle. <P>See if you can speak to Jennifer or Steve. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Thanks everyone for all your support. I am trying to work on myself and not worry about what he is doing. I am trying to let go of all that because I know that if he comes back he needs to do it of his own accord or it isn't worth it. I also know that he won't come back because of me begging.<P>It's hard to let go of the OW because she has been a close friend for 20 years. So things other than my H remind me of her, and the cycle spins. But I am trying, she is basically dead to me...actually I kinda wish she was for real sometimes (evil, yes I know). I just miss the man I met 6 years ago (well boy I guess, he was just 18). I don't really like who he seems to be right now, although I don't think this is his true inner self. He keeps saying he isn't a selfish person and all of this is tearing him up. My response (in my head) is why the hell are you being a selfish person if that isn't something you WANT to be. It's not that he feels that he isn't in love with me anymore, it's that he doesn't seem to have the commitment to try and see what is left there and maybe discover love there. Like he is running from the possibility of it. I know people hear always say it is too hard to love two people at once, that is why they are so absolute in their decisions. I just hope he starts to waffle. Seems everyone else gets waffling and I get silence. And not hateful silence, just silence. He says he hopes we will always be friends, he still loves me and likes me as a person. But he acts like he NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN! What is up with that??<P>OK, I know you have no answers to these questions, they just have to be sorted out by time I suppose. But thanks for the help. Today I am going shopping by myself (I wanted to go alone) to buy some gifts for birthdays coming up. I think I am going to stop at the Mac or Bobby Brown makeup counter and get some lipstick or something, just for fun [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I rarely wear lipstick, so that is would surely be a new thing for me!

(((BJ)))<BR>Are you in counseling? I strongly recommend it. I began counseling almost the day after I found out about my H's A. I was/sometimes still am exactly like you. I obsessed about what my H was doing, thinking, feeling. I wished out loud so many times that I would just HATE him. Unfortunately, we love them. They have already had time to withdraw from us by being with the OP. We have not had that same withdrawal time. It's so incredibly hard. My H left 3/17/01. I found out about the A on 5/6/01. It's now 10/19/01, and I'm just NOW learning how to detach from his behavior. There's no easy way out, but through it. I suggest counseling as well as anti-depressants. I fought the anti-d's for a long time, but finally gave in to them about 1 month ago. They seem to be keeping me on more of an even keel. My prayers go out to you. God wants your marriage. Ask for strength and the peace you need right where you are today. God wants to hold you through this. Take care.<P>MOM

I have actually been in counselling since the week after all this came out. H and I initially went together, but the stupid lady said that he had "emotionally withdrawn from the marriage" and that if that is the case there is nothing we can work on togehter, we should see individual counsellors. Hmmm, so we did. But his new counsellor suggested he read "Crazy Time" (all about how tog et through a divorce -- horrible book) and seems to be encouraging or at least not pointing out problems with his thinking. Mine just listens, but doesn't help. We both only go every other week now and there seems to be no hope of talking together in sight. I wish I never found that counsellor for him. I just assumed counsellors would try to make you work through your problems, not run away from them like he is doing (says he cannot talk to me, but refuses to try and learn communication skills- can't talk to anyone but the OW really).<P>I am also on anti-D's and have been for 8 weeks now. They help a bit, I am not huddled in the corner, but most of the time I think I would still rather be. <P>And you know the crap shoot of all of this. I know my marriage won't be put back together. Because that is something I WANT to happen, that is a good thing. And those don't ever happen to me. I never win anything, I never get the great job I interview for, I never get the little break here and there. Others seem to, but never me. So as much as I want this all to work out, and as much as I try and try, in the back of my brain I know it is fruitless...he has turned to her and will depend on her. He isn't really learning and growing, at least I know that, he is just running and hiding, afraid to learn and grow and change like people have to do. He didn't used to be like that, not until he starting being friends with her. He has adopted all her pessimistic attitudes of the world, nothing will fall in his lap the way he wants, he has to work for things. He doesn't want to work at marriage, thinks it should be roses and candy all the time. <P>I hate all this, I hate having to "muddle through life" and hope that I can be happy sometime. Is getting through really worth it? If you can't trust again, and you can't let go, is it all really worth it? I thought he was a good guy, commited, honest, loyal. Hell, everyone thoughts that. But he wasn't. So everything is deceiving, why would anyone want to do this all again? I don't. My H is it, if he doesn't work out, I guess I am alone from now on. In this day and age people can crap out on you so easily, no one has values, ideals, intergrity anymore. It's all "whatever makes me happy." ME, ME, ME! Let's step all over everyone else's feelings, dump the commitments I made to anyone. I am not happy, it must be that persons fault so I have to go find someone who makes me feel good. Well, let me tell you, he makes me feel like crap, but I don't leave. Why? I love him, I know that somewhere inside is the man I love, I catch him every now and then when he isn't hiding his face in OW's diseasey crotch (oh wait, he doesn't like to do that...forgot...probably does with her though).<P>Hmmm, ok, enough ranting for now. Seems I have hit a new level of the process...I am so ANGRY!! I am sad and feel like crap still and want to curl up in a ball and shrivel away, but I am angry too. Angry at the way he is treating me, like I am unimportant garbage. I wrote him an email about his phone not working and the airline changing his flight and he needs to call (left a message on the machine). Told him I didn't have the info with me. Also told him about an art exhibit I went to of a friend of his. He didn't comment aobut the exhibit, only said that he isn't sure what's up with the phone, he needs to figure it out. A nd to email the info over the weekend so he can call the airline. No comment about the art exhibit, nothing. And all he wants is contact by email...so he doesn't have to hear my voice. Well I am not giving him the info, he can figure it all out himself. Not emailing, not calling, he can ask if he wants it, but I think I will tell him he's a big boy, figure it out. He isn't my friend obviously, he just wants me gone, so he needs to solve his own problems. I am not friends or even friendly with someone who ignores me.<P>I probably WON'T say that, I will probably be a doormat to him all my life. But I want to just be SO MEAN to him and make him hurt...but he won't. He seems so detached, not letting himself feel...or he just doesn't really care........I don't know.<P>Thanks for the vent.

BJoanne,<P>{{{{{{BJoanne}}}}}} [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>You are getting some good advice here. It's been 6-1/2 months (I won't bore you with the rest of the time measurements) since D-day for me. My W (the WS) continued phone contact for a while after that. I've been wallowing in self pity for a while and trying to figure out what will make my W come out of the fog. For her, she says there is no fog but she doesn't know what to do next....<P>You should talk with a counselor. I started with one that focused only on my past and how I was feeling day to day. That just didn't work. I have spoken with Steve Harley several times (too many to count [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) now and I've learned it is much better to focus on the future--come up with a plan. I'm finally seeing that I can't rely on my W to be happy. I'm trying to forget the pain and move on--even though my W is not along for the ride. I am having a little more fun now and the kids and I are enjoying doing a lot of new stuff together while their mother goes off and does her own thing.<P>Good luck with coming up with a rational way to start focusing on the future. Keep posting here. I've gotten some good advice.<BR>SG

BJoanne, that was a great vent! I hope it made you feel better. Reading your vent made me feel better too because you expressed a lot of the same feelings I have. I completely understand your feeling of just wanting to curl up into a little ball somewhere. That's where I'm at too.<p>[ October 19, 2001: Message edited by: SilverRose ]

((((((BJ)))))))<P>being in this place simply sucks. There is nothing more it feels. To be loved and build a dream for the future than to lose it all without an opportunity to fight for it just rips your heart out. Sometimes I wish my friends would just hold me, and give up on the advise that flows so often. I so envy my husband. He has another's arms to fall into when he feels his pain. <P>this site helps. The outpouring of support I've seen keeps me from spinning off into a place too dark to come back from.<P>I've opted for drinking, returned to smoking, loud music, too too many phone calls, whatever it takes to get through the moment. Some of these sound bad, but they are better then the alternative darks thoughts.<P>I can give up smoking again some day. Can't drink forever and will eventually pay my phone bill I guess.<P>What a lame replacement for the man that I love, who made my days shine.<P>I hope all those people who so assuredly tell me that time will heal, are correct. But damn, I don't want to be healed. I don't want the new life they promise. I don't want another man who will love me forever. I don't want platitudes and advise. I want my family back. I want to cuddle with my husband tonight and fall asleep breathing in his breath. <P>... I hope knowing others feel what you feel helps..... <P>Unfortunatly that is all I have to offer<P>and another hug<P>(((((((((BJ)))))))))

runningonfaith-- I am so with you. I don't want this new "stronger" and "better" life people keep saying me will come in time (and I have read around books and here etc, that time means a few years). I want my husband. Heck I don't even want the old marriage back, that can change to make both of us happy. I just want a shot at my marriage with the man I love. That's all I ask for, and I ask in earnest, I want to try. But he says no. The question I am pondering, does he think I am not worth it? Or does he think HE is not worth it? Guess I will never know....<P>But anyway, I am with you. In fact, I think I am going to have me a little glass of wine right now. Can only have one or two because of my meds, but I guess that will do. So, wine, TV, computer, and maybe a foot spa thing going on tonight, as I spend Firday all alone dreaming about my hubbie one day being back here. <P>And I don't want anyone to tell me I can't do it, I want to do it...it makes me feel good to be alone and dream like that. The rest of my life is crap right now, so I might as well dream [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Probably will post more....OOORRR I may go to a party....just got a phone call. Talk to you later!

BJoanne,<BR>If it makes you feel better I want you to know that your not alone as I'm going through the same situation this very moment! If I had to give you advice I would reiterate what the other posters posted to you as it was excellent.<P>I see her (my ex) just going about like she doesn't even care and they usually do this when they have someonelse. It's getting easier to deal with as time goes by and after a while you'll wonder why you even beat yourself up so much over him. I'm realizing that I dont want someone who can just walk away, that shows the person is superficial and how do you ever expect them to work things out in a relationship down the road when problems arise as they always do. She works with the person she slept with and just from her actions when we were together I got the feeling that they were screwing around more than she told me. Now I accept it, but I dont deny my feeling of Love for her even though I ask myself how I can Love someone that can betray/hurt me this way.<BR>There is no answer BJ just time will be on your side as its on mine. When we go through a situation like this it can make us stronger if we learn from it, so thats what I'm trying to do. Believe me it builds character!<P>Look at your ex and tell yourself its his loss! You deserve better, someone who will not walk away from you, someone who will be there for you and give you the Love you deserve.<P>God Bless and I'll include you in my prayers!

from Snerty<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm only new in here, and maybe a little green in the wisdom stakes, but it struck me that your post was all about him him him. Stuff him! What about you? You are important. You have a life experience all of your own. You are the most important person on the planet to yourself. You must be! You deserve no less. And, I guess that's what you need to tell yourself. That's what I'm telling myself at the moment..and yeah...it hurts fit to burst, I know, but you ARE important and you DO deserve better. Who dares wins. Dare to be yourself. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>FOR SURE!</B> Snerty, you must have been reading my mind. I've felt this way for a long time and still do....to an extent. I've somewhat forgiven my H for being dishonest and unfaithful yet I'll never allow his behavior and poor choices to keep me down-trodden. I've come out of our woeful situation much wiser and astute if not more suspicious and doubtful. Will I ever overcome these feelings that plague me daily???? Very doubtful......I've been conditioned for battle. I'm aware of the enemy who very well may sleeping in my bed.

<B>I want my husband. Heck I don't even want the old marriage back, that can change to make both of us happy. I just want a shot at my marriage with the man I love. That's all I ask for, and I ask in earnest, I want to try. But he says no. </B><P>Quit asking! Really! Best advice I was given was to quit talking and just start doing...I quit questioning and asking because I AM NOT going to get the answers I want...for whatever reason...their guilt, their confusion, their fog, WHATEVER...they just don't know...<P>But I know what I want and I am going to do what I can to get it...so I am making the changes I want to make in me...he either responds or doesn't...<P>But as I've said before...regardless...I WILL BE STRONGER AND HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF...either way...<P>Cali