H`s EA was the last straw. Here is what was going on when he decided to self indulge himself in his
A. I was at home taking care of a critically ill daughter(alcohol,drugs, depression, anorexia, suicide attempts) was in hospital,ICU,ER, psch units, treatment centers, 7 times in 7 months, son also in psch unit 1 time at the same time as daughter(bipolar disorder)and alcohol. Ex-SIL breaking in house to steal gun and snoop, he is very ill and abusive(drugs, emotionally sick). I was taking care of business problems, and our home. Daughter and two grandsons live with us, unavoidable, she is very ill, little child support,cannot work even when well because one of her children is terminally ill.I had to take care of them singlehandedly during the year or so that she was the sickest. We are also in a horrible financial state for a variety of reasons. There have also been several deaths in the family in the last couple of years. H had to go out of state for many months to take care of very urgent business matters. While I was struggling alone to take care of not only everyday home, family, business matters, but also 8 episodes of lifethreatening illness(daughter was near death many times), son was full blown bipolar, soninlaw was breaking in and trying to stop our daughter from receiving proper treatment, healthy grandson was an emotional basketcase(I was all he had), terminally ill little guy is 24/7 care. I had this load alone, H participates off and on, at times supportive and helpful. When I discovered his A (right in the middle of all this other c#$p, I actually had a series of nervous breakdowns(could not even indulge in that for long), the life threatening events were not over yet. He admitted the A to me in bits and pieces over a long period of time. He found this OW, a predatory, heartless OW who worked for us, while out of state taking care of our business. I handled the A well at first,it paled in the face of the far more painful and urgent things I was dealing with. AND THEN, he flat out refused to get rid of her, saying I was over-reacting, that she hardly came on to him at all, that it was mostly him, that they were just good friends, and that HE was not going to let ME tell him who he could be friends with. On top of all the other stuff that I had to deal with I had to deal with this man that absolutely REFUSED to take care of my feelings and break contact with this woman. I was trapped in one state taking care of literally dying people, and he told me I was letting those kids rule my life. Well, DUH!!!!!! In real life and in a life over limb situation, yes illness at times will take precedence over other things for awhile. He was also very angry at me for not being by HIS side helping him with his work. He knew exactly what I was doing, and why, and still treated me like I was some kind of idiot. He offered OW unlimited support with HER problems and complained about me constantly, pursued her relentlessly, and wanted me to let them be just friends while I am in another state and cant even leave. He even said "I know the kids are sick and cant come here but you CAN! So I guess our grandson was going to give his own tube feedings, and siezure meds(he was six years old at the time, has the skills and mind of a six monthold baby. I cant finish this story right now, I know this is confusing to read, I dont even know what my actual point is. I guess it is that I cant believe what an unusually stressful set of circumstances my H an I have been in for a long period of time, and I just couldnt BELIEVE what he did to me when I needed him most and it has actually made me wonder if there is something actuall WRONG with him!!!!!! I mean more than just an average guy having an A. And do I really want to be married to someone who can not think in a common sense way that small children and critically ill adults need care, trust me I am not a natural born caretaker, they are all doing much better now and and I have very good sense to know when to bow out and let people take care of themselves and they are doing very well at it. I need some validationfrom people that I have been through an unusual set of horrible circumstances and that I am not a weak person to be reacting now after things have calmed down. I have totally acknowleged my H`s emotional pain over all of this familly pain, financial pain, having ot deal with me not being by his side when he needed me, having to deal with his guilt about the A. He does not seem to be able to articulate to me that he understands MY pain. I suffered through what I had to do, H went out and had a wonderful time with OW, I know for a fact that they had a great time. Now sometimes he says he loves me, sometimes he is not sure, other times it is that we are not truly in love.He is out of state again, I will join him soon at his and OW`s playground, (my turf, she treated it as her own for awhile). I dont know what to say except that I dont even have time to talk about ALL the bad things that have happened, these are just part of it. I JUST NEED A HUG FROM SOMEONE WHO CAN EMPATHIZE WITH ME AND NOT PUT ME DOWN FOR WHAT I WAS DOING TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY DURING CRITICAL ILLNESS, I did not intend to neglect my H, I did the best I could but there was nothing left of me to give him. I`m sorry H.

His affair was not due to your inability to meet his needs. His affair was due to HIM not protecting HIMSELF from his own weaknesses. Please don't blame yourself for his bad decisions and lack of character. {{{HUGS}}}

Bumping myself up, I am having a very panicky day, it is a delayed reaction to all the horrible things that have happened over the last couple of years, I do LOVE my H, I just need to know that my pain is valid, and that it is ok for me to be weak and beat down. H is sorry, but there is a wall between us and I am not sure what it is, I cant see through it. I challenged mmseeking advice to read the above posts, I am drawn to his posts, behavior almost identical to my H.

<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am just speechless. All I can offer is prayers but they are yours.

Replaced,<p>I totally empathize with you. I don't want to go into details because I'm afraid they might make me too identifiable to those who caused the events who might be lurking. But I also was plunged unwillingly into a series of crises and unrelenting emergency management day after day, month after month, which precipitated life-threatening health problems in me and the child I was carrying during part of this period of time, followed by deep grief I was trying to climb out of and recover from. This was over a 2-1/2-year time period of the worst hell of my life.<p>So what does my H do? He treated me like sh*t when I didn't react to or handle the events the way he thought I should or "recover" from them the way he did (his method was escape and denial). Then, just when I think I might be getting my legs underneath me, he chops them off with his infidelity. Instead of helping me when I was down, he kicks me over and over again and then finishes off with the bludgeoning of betrayal and abandonment. And I thought I was in hell BEFORE!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] So he has single-handedly topped my previous worse hell with this one.<p>Like you, I'm still trying to figure out if there is any point in staying in a R with someone that you KNOW will not be there for you when you need them most and will instead pile more pain and stress on top of what you're already going through.<p>I sent an Email asking Dr. Harley to address this. Sometimes you simply cannot meet your spouse's needs no matter how much you understand the importance of it (I had read HNHN before this M and had worked at those concepts throughout the M until I was derailed by circumstances beyond my control) and no matter how much you want to. Sometimes life intervenes and disables you. My assumption is that is when the spouse's character comes into play, and that is why you and I are having such a hard time. The character and integrity were not there.<p>I believe in the MB concepts. I was following them to the best of my ability throughout my M until my life fell apart. In retrospect I can see where I could have tried harder to meet my H's needs during that time in spite of the way he was treating me, but would it have been enough? What happens next time I get sidelined?<p>I don't have any answers. I know there is nothing left in me right now that will expect him to be there for me when I need him. He won't even help me recover from his A yet. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

replaced,
Your pain is VERY valid. I'm so sorry he has done this to you. You are not crazy or irrational.<p>I can relate SLIGHTLY to your story. Just barely. My H battled cancer for 2 years - off and on. 2 major surgeries, and 3 months of CHemo. And there was all the medical issues and side-effects, plus the emotional stress, depression, etc. I was there by his side the whole time. I nursed him, encouraged him, learned special diets, and I lost a lot of ground in my career. As soon as he was well, he had an A and was GONE.<p>It AIN'T fair... these things that happened to us.<p>I know you are hurting. <p>I have to also challenge you to let go. I know you're trying. But keep trying. He's probably NOT going to acknowledge or reconcile your pain - at least not the way you want or need. So waiting or expecting it will only frustrate you. So work on forgiveness and letting go. Quit dwelling on the past - something that can't be changed - and work on the now and the future. If he walked out the door and never came back, you would have to come to grips with this.... by letting go and seeking joy, comfort, and fulfillment on your own.<p>What are you doing for yourself? What kinds of things are you doing in Plan A for yourself - to make yourself stronger - to learn and grow - to appreciate all the blessings you have?<p>Hope this helps a little. Your situation sounds very painful. All of them do. Hang in there... you can do this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks guys, I was just so upset, I know it is a delayed reaction, I do very well at holding up when I have to, but months or years later when there is a lull in the chaos, I just fall apart. We have been dealing with life threatening illnes in our children for 15 years, off and on. This time, in a 4 year period, the worst of it in the last 2, every imaginable scenario in all aspects of our lives came to pass including infidelity. Just too much. I had to post because I know there are many people out there who have had awful things happen and I am not unique, not a special case. My H is just as bloody and battered as me, that is usually when he fails to protect himself and me and our life together. I have many faults and shortcomings myself, and he and I are struggling to gain our footing and see what happens between us. I hope it will be something wonderful. Thankyou again for the support.

Dear Re,<p>You are by no means 'replaced'. You have so many counting on you but you still need to take time for you. Hard under your circumstances but do it when you can. Even a few minutes here or there. <p>Hugz for your endurance. <p>L.

Replaced,<p>You did what you had to do, and the s.o.b. was a complete [censored] for doing this to you and your family.<p>I know what it is like to not be the average wife with the average husband boinking around town. I will never say that you didn't pay enough attention to him, he should have been taking some time off work to help his family.<p>I wish I knew if my original post was here somewhere.<p>I will try and keep it as short as possible, but enough details so you feel like you aren't the only one with an amazingly interesting story.<p>I married Scott in 1992. We have two kids, Christopher is 8 and Amanda is 4. Scott started working out of town and met someone - we call her bimbette. She was 23 divorced 2x and had a conviction for domestic violence. He was going to divorce me and marry her, and wanted to take the kids, who he never had shown much interest in, and "give them to her because she can't have kids". We decided over 4th of July weekend to give it one last shot, and really try to save the marriage. We had other problems besides OW, he was terribly abused by drug addicted parents as a child, and he was emotionally and a few times physically abusive towards me.<p>He promised that he would end contact with bimbette, and flew off to Utah where he was working at the time (where she lived). He called in the morning before work, and called in the evening. Always promised he wasn't even accepting her calls. July 12, 2000 he was on a sissors lift working four and one half stories up in the air. The hydrolics on the machine failed and the lift tipped, sending him down to what most who saw it thought would be his death. Flight for Life flew him to the University of Utah hospital, and their police contacted Milwaukee, WI police. I had broken my ankle that day at the crafts shop and was on the toilet when my then 6 year old answered the door and let the police in. I walked into the living room and they asked if I was Elizabeth. They said there had been an accident, and they needed to call a friend or relative to be here with me so they could call in and find out what happened.<p>I flew out of O'Hare on the first flight with my sister and my little one. Christopher stayed with my mom, but Amanda had never been away from me. When I got to the hospital the social worker, chaplian, and medical ethisist (sp?) wanted to speak with me before I went to the ICU. They wanted me to consider ending the life support, and to sign a DNR.<p>I refused, and saw him. He had a traumatic brain injury, shattered left scapula, shattered all ribs on the left side, punctured lungs, lacerated spleen, spinal cord damage between C3 - C4, fractured L1 -L5, shattered part of the pelvis, seperated the right shoulder, widening of the SI joint, broken elbow with fragments, internal bleeding, and those are all I can think of right now. He used 26 units of blood in the first 24 hours.<p>I stand vigil at his bedside, and he finally got to come off the ventilator. When he is able to speak semi coherently he tells me that he never stopped seeing bimbette, and that he boinked her the evening before the accident. She calls the hospital one day, and I am living out of a hotel room and completely exhausted mentally and physically, and asks to see him. I told her that it was fine with me because I could really use the day off. She said she'd stop by after work. I explained to her that if she wanted to continue to be a part of his life she needed to take the whole day, and then I explained to her what that entailed.<p>He was on a critical care unit so the nurses were very busy. I told her she would begin her day here at 6am to see the medical student and ask him questions about Scott's condition and find out what they planned on doing with him that day. Then the Residents come round bout 7 - 7:30, and she could get more information from them if med student couldn't answer any questions. Then she had to make sure to be ther when the trauma surgeon in charge of him stopped by and get the rest of the picture. I told her that because of the injury Scott had started pooping on himself, and that it was loose. She needed to be able to clean him up and do it right away if the nurses and aids were busy because he had an epidural for pain control and that could not get dirty. She hung up the phone.<p>Funny. The woman who wanted my husband and children couldn't handle a little poo poo?!<p>I decided that I needed to take care of him because of the children, and to not worry about the marriage stuff until he was relatively healthy again. My family supported me, but didn't understand why. His mother told me to forget him and go home, she thought he was a jerk.<p>I got him transferred back home to Milwaukee in a cool medical transport jet. And he was placed in the best rehab hospital in the area. I took care of him and the kids, and helped him learn to walk again. <p>Then when he is doing ok, I find out all these crazy dirty things he had been doing during most of our marriage. Hookers, porn, crack whores, nudie bars, the works. I never had a clue. <p>So he is a certified sex addict. Now this comes with a twist though. He has a TBI, traumatic brain injury, to the frontal lobe. People have that angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other to whisper into their ears. Well the part he damaged in the fall was the angel part. The part that makes you stop and think before you act. Marvelous. <p>So now he is an abuser and a sex addict with no way to stop his impulses.<p>He can't go up stairs and our only bathroom is on the 2nd floor, we are almost financially ruined, so my folks offer us their summer getaway - a one story 2 bedroom cottage on a lake. We move in. <p>Work Comp gets antsy and tries to send him back to work on a light duty sort of thing to see what happens. Well, he worked construction of hazardous materials plants for refrigeration. Needless to say, putting a fellow who has an average of 4 seizures an hour back on the job doesn't work out well. They ask him to drive a company truck from WI to California. I call the boss and say not a good idea. He calls Scott and yells at him to control his wife.<p>Scott started out for CA and only made it to Wyoming. Why? Because he had a seizure and crashed the pick up into the back of a semi going at about 60 mph. The Wyoming state police call me. Needless to say, at this point I am pretty much a nutcase.<p>He is returned to no working by the docs as they try and get the seizures under control.<p>October and November of '01 had the county sheriff at our house several times. Scott had become suicidal and was suffering from "major depression". They keep bringing him to the nuthouse. Finally in November he has a psycotic episode and as our little one is hiding and crying under the dining room table he throws a vaccuum cleaner at me. 911, sheriff, away he goes. I decide he is not coming back, and I filed for divorce.<p>I find out that he has been intimate with someone, and she decides to tell me that it happened even before I tossed his butt out.<p>Meanwhile I am the one taking care of him, we have divorce court on the 11 of Feb, and later that night he has a wreck. The Milwaukee county cops call and say he is being transported to St. Mary's Hospital. <p>This past week some interesting things have come out about him re: the brain injury. Now we are considering a more restrictive place then the place he is now where he comes and goes as he pleases.<p>Meanwhile he is in a walker and wheelchair because he had surgery the 19th, and then it became infected so another surgery a week later.<p>I am still the one taking care of him. I am probably stupid to do it, but I try for the kids.<p>I forgot to mention that we ended up losing our home and had to file bankruptcy.<p>And because I slept with him on Christmas Eve he gave me a very special present. I took the antibiotics, and the blood tests have all come back negative. I will retest in 6 months.<p>My Chris is in therapy 2x a week. <p>There are many other things, but I think you get the picture.<p>Don't feel like you are the only one with some weird story. I think you are very noble and strong. I know exactly how hard it is to deal with the doctor/hospital/social worker stuff. I can fix an IV with an occlusion no problem. I can give heperin shots like a pro. Heck, I could probably get a line in by myself if I had to. <p>Taking care of one sick/injured person was enough to shoot up my blood pressure and put me on anti depressants and xanax. I feel for you having so much serious illness in your family.<p>If you ever need to vent, toss me an email. <p>Elizabeth