I am a WS and today is Day 4 of recovery/reconnection. Despite H's efforts to be affectionate, I have been withdrawn. I blame this partly because he has made it very clear that he does not want me to leave the house to see my friend. I have a very small circle of friends, and only 2 know my entire story. They have been my only network of support through all of this, but, also knew of my affair and were instrumental in helping me see the OM. They support my desicion to work it out. I need them now more than ever, and he will not let me see them. I resent him for it, and I feel we're going backwards already. He's afraid I'll call OM during these short visits, even though I assure him I won't. Question: Is he wrong to keep me from my friends like this? I feel like I cannot go within an arm's length of him. I feel this whole thing will backfire on him if he keeps this up. Also, since he tapped my phone, I don't feel I even have the privacy to have a normal convo on the phone. I feel isolated from the very people I need so much right now. There is some history here too...my mother was under my father's control. He was very emotionally abusive towards her. I can see this happening to me. I told him the moment I see this turning into my mother's situation is the minute I'm out the door. I saw how my mother lived and revolved her very existence around this man, and I refuse to be like that.<p>Question 2: I have seen all the percentages and statistics about affairs not lasting, but are there any stats on marriages that recover after an affair? It's only Day 4 and I'm losing hope.<p>More of an update: H keeps asking me if I am missing OM, and I tell him yes. He hates when I say yes, but I told him I will not lie about it. He thinks he's crazy for trying to work this out. He seems calm about the answer at first, but just blows up at me later and tells me to go back to OM where my ENs are met. I have not shown the remorse or the affection H expects from me at this point. I can't understand why I haven't. <p>I understand the boards are slow on the weekends, especially on Easter Sunday, but please answer ASAP. <p>Speaking of Easter, we went to church today. We are not avid church-goers, but normally go on the holidays. I felt a "numb" feeling in church today. Why? He also pointed the "confession" hours out to me...I'm not even Catholic! I haven't been to confession once in my life. The way I see it, the person on the other end is a human too, and if I want to confess to God, I can do that from my own bedroom.<p>Please help...H will be reading this too.<p>Related story<p>IAF<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: inafunk ]</p>

I'm going to be VERY frank with you because you are at a crossroads and your M and your future depends very heavily on what you do from this moment on.<p>If you value your M and want to rebuild it, you will need to let go of what you think, what you feel, your issues with your mother and father's R, everything, and PUT YOUR TRUST in those who have walked in your shoes and in your H's shoes. LEARN from our mistakes and DO NOT make them. I cannot stress this enough.<p>Hopefully you will hear from female WS, who would be the ones you would probably most feel a kinship to, and I count several of them here among my friends and some of the highest-quality people I know. But what is common to all of us is that we have walked this path in one role or another and each of us has learned something from that experience and have a perspective to offer that will probably be helpful to you. We have the benefit of hindsight that you don't currently have, so take full advantage of that and USE us as much as you need to.<p>Those friends are NOT friends to your M. Your H is right about that. They are an integral part of your betrayal of him and your M, and your H does have a right to set up boundaries that protect the M. Those friends have already demonstrated that they cannot offer that security. You, of course, have a right to see your friends, the OM, whomever you wish, but know that by doing so, you will be pounding nails into the coffin of your M, so make sure that's what you want to do before you proceed.<p>At this point BOTH your H and you need to set aside what YOU want and do what is in the best interest of your M if you want to rebuild it. It's as simple as that. As far as marriage-building is concerned, your A-enabling friends are poison and to be avoided at all costs. WE will be your friends and your support system. You will not be alone. You will find people here who understand your feelings more than you can imagine and WAY more than those friends ever could. We also encourage your H to learn all he can from MB and the posters here on this board.<p>One of the MB concepts is the Policy of Radical Honesty, so both your life and your H's life should be an open book and integrated lifestyle if you want a M filled with intimacy and romantic love. In building a M with the MB concepts our goal is to never have telephone conversations that we would not want our spouse to hear, so there is no so-called privacy issue.<p>However, in a case of infidelity, this is even MORE imperitive. One of the first steps in preparing for marital recovery are the extraordinary precautions Dr. Harley suggests. You should open up every facet of your lives to each other so that there are no secret second lives. Your lives should be integrated. You fill find true intimacy this way. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you will never know how it feels to be totally exposed to your H and be loved because of what he sees and in spite of what he sees unless you try it.<p>You both have trust issues at this point, and the best way to deal with them is for both of you to open up everything to each other. Your H NEEDS the extraordinary precautions so that he KNOWS there is no more contact with the OM. You may even need the extraordinary precautions from your H to feel secure and able to open up to him more.<p>Your best course is for both of you to read Surviving An Affair, one of Dr. Harley's books available on this website. It has a step-by-step plan for marital recovery that will give you the best chance of success in rebuilding your M, and it will explain much of what you are feeling, both of you, and how normal it is and the stages you will go through.<p>I've got to get Easter dinner on the table, but after that, I'll give you the first checklist from SAA (have to find my copy) so you know what you have to do to get started.<p>I'd also like to share with you some reassuring things about how both of you are feeling right now and also address your second question. I'll get back as soon as I can.<p>If you haven't already done so, a good place to start is for both of you to read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts--click on the link at the top of the page, the word "Concepts". Also, by following the "Q&A" link, you can find a series of columns by Dr. Harley called "How to Survive Infidelity". This material will give you the basics you need to know so you can develop your plan to rebuild your M.<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Happy Easter Miss In-A-Funk<p>Where in your post did you express your understanding and compassion for the man you married?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have not shown the remorse<hr></blockquote><p>
If you show remorse .... you will have to face yourself in the mirror .... something you are avoiding. It is easier to call your husband "controlling" than it is to acknowledge your own behavior as out of control and uncaring.<p>Confession is good for the soul .... perhaps your husband had your soul's best interests at heart ... hence he suggested confession. (?) When your husband is before you, bruised and bloodied by your actions .... you want to hi-tail it over to your girlfriends (friends who were 'instrumental' your in adultery) so they can meet your ENs .... and to hell with your husband's ENs. Do I see you clearly, or am I completely wrong.<p>If I am wrong, I apologize.<p>God Bless you.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Let's quit worrying about "is he wrong" and ask, "can I understand why"...it's a much better question when feelings are involved! First, I don't think it is too hard to understand why your H doesn't want you to hang out with friends that enabled your affair. Nor is it hard to understand why you fear his being jealous and controlling forever.<p>The two of you HAVE TO start understanding each other's feelings and empathsizing with each other if you are going to make it work. Get on the same side of things, and work together to make your marriage work.<p>The suggestion to read Surviving an Affair is very good. If you can manage it, I'd also suggest counseling...dealing with this affair is only the start, you also have to improve the marriage so that you both feel loved and cherished in it, or you are going to end up getting past this and crashing again.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi

I am the H of "inafunk". WS is under the impression that I want to take her away from her friends. One of her friends tried to talk her out of her A, but in the end, just ended up helping it (this is the one she wants to see). Ironically enough, this particular friend is getting married and W is the matron of honor. I've tried to explain to W that I do not feel comfortable with her going out with friends who were instrumental in her A. But I know I can't keep her away from her friends forever. Once I found out about her A, I asked her to leave home for a week to clear her head and figure out what she wants. She came home one day early, said that she found this site very helpful and explained the whole "fog" concept. The first day she seemed somewhat remorseful, but not as remorseful as I would liked to have seen. She agreed to counseling, she agreed to staying out of bars, and staying home to work on us. She has purchased "After the Affair" and we have both been reading it. Third day was a good day; she was very affectionate and loving. She stated to me while cooking dinner that this is what she likes and she's happy to be home. The 4th day (today) it seems she has done a 180. She is not receptive to my affection, she won't look at me when I speak to her, she says she's having a bad day. I ask if she misses OM, and she says yes. How am I supposed to feel? Sorry for her? I have been more than patient. In the book it says that WS will go thru withdrawal. It also says that WS should be showing remorse and reassuring me..it says that even if she doesn't feel like doing these things, that she should "act as if" she does. WS says she cannot bring herself to do that and that I would see right through it if she were "acting as if". Am I wasting my time? Does anyone else see this lack of effort on your WS's part?

Welcome to Marriage Builders Mr. and Mrs. Funk. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Okay, I've been on both sides - I've been cheated on (many time) by my ex-H, and I was also the cheater once with a man I worked with. My story is VERY long and all over this board. If you're interested, I can post a link.<p>Mrs. Funk, Honey, you're in withdrawl. Yes, you want your marriage to work, but you also want the OM. Normal. Sad, but normal. When you get where I am (years beyond the affair) and look back, TRUST ME, you won't know what the hell was going on in your head to make you fall "in love" with the creep. Any man that has an affair with a married woman is not a good person, NO MATTER WHAT. That isn't to say that he doesn't have good in him somewhere, but chances are, he took advantage of your vulnerablity. <p>You say you haven't shown remorse. I know why. You don't feel it. You tell your H the truth about missing the OM for two reasons: one, it is the truth, and two, you don't feel bad for the pain it causes your H when you say it. You may feel a little bad, but believe me, the day will come when you won't believe you looked your dear H in the face and said the things you are saying now.<p>You must STOP ALL CONTACT WITH ANYONE - ANYONEwho your H feels is a detriment to your marriage - especially NOW, as you recover from this affair. <p>Please read the links on my sig line, and learn about the POJA, specifically. <p>Mr. Funk, Boy are you in a CRUMMY place. Your heart is ripped out of your body, and now you have to defend the very foundation upon that which you thought your marriage was built. I feel for you.<p>Begin to work on YOU, to make yourself the best darned H... so that when your W *does* return to you (emotionally) you are STRONG. Right now, the ONLY thing you can change is YOU and YOUR reactions.<p>I have been in your shoes too, and OH MY GOD IT HURTS. <p>I'd like you to read the links in my sign line also, and pay particular attention to Plan A.<p>Best wishes to you both, and KEEP POSTING!!

The other important point about the A-enabling friends is that avoiding them and every other feature of the secret second life you created is a crucial gesture of consideration for someone who has been through hell--your H. In all likelihood, you've been ignoring him and his feelings for some time now, and maybe even right now, you're still not ready to deal with his feelings. That is okay, as long as you understand what I told you before and do what is necessary to rebuild the M whether you feel like it or not--IF rebuilding the M is your goal.<p>The short answer to your second question is that most couples affected by infidelity choose to remain married. But it is what you do from this point on that creates the foundation upon which your new M will be built. Obviously the old foundation did not work. You have taken a significant step and found this website and the tools that have helped hundreds of thousands of couples to rebuild their Ms after infidelity. You can build a M that will be satisfying for both of you if you learn and apply the MB principles.<p>Here is the first checklist from SAA along with my comments:<p>Checklist for How to End an Affair the Right Way: Total Separation from the OP (other person)<p>

• WS (wayward spouse) should reveal information about the A (affair) to the BS (betrayed spouse).<p>WS: You should answer every question from your H with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Maintain an environment of honesty and openness at all times.<p>BS: Maintain a safe environment in which to have your questions answered. No LBs (Love Busters: Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, Selfish Demands). Ask the questions you need to ask to piece together the reality of your past so you can get through the present and look forward to the future. No matter how much it hurts or makes you angry when you receive the answers, maintain that necessary safety. Express your pain, sorrow, and anger, but do it safely.
• WS should make a commitment to the BS to never see or talk to the OP again.<p>This is the "no contact" you will see referred to here on these boards very frequently. It is essential. Every time you have contact, no matter how slight or insignificant you may think it is, it will set the recovery clock back to zero. (More about that later.)
• WS should write a letter to the OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the BS.<p>This is to be short and simple. A statement of facts, commitment to the BS and the M and a request to respect the WS's decision for no more contact. There is a sample letter in SAA along with guidelines for what it should say and how it should be said for maximum effectiveness.
• WS should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the OP:
• Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
• Block potential communication with the OP (change e-mail address and telephone, cell phone, and pager numbers; have voice messages and mail monitored by the BS).
• Account for time (BS and WS give each other a 24-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
• Account for money (BS and WS give each other a complete account of all money spent, and they make all financial decision jointly).
• Spend leisure time together.<p>Obviously among these extraordinary precautions are any associations to the A--the enabling friends, places where the OM may be, things like that.<p>

<p>Now, about how you are feeling right now, Mrs. INF: Once you end contact with the OM, you begin the process of withdrawal. Dr. Harley: "Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended." You are withdrawing from the OM the way an addict withdraws from drugs. Here is Dr. Harley explaining the symptoms of withdrawal, from SAA:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Someone going through withdrawal usually experiences depression, anxiety, and anger--all in a very intense form. The feeling of utter hopelessness, the fear of making a catastrophic mistake, and even anger toward a BS are overwhelming. These reactions are usually so severe that I often suggest that the WS consult with his or her doctor for antidepressant medication to help stabilize these symptoms during this most unpleasant experience.<p>But if there is total separation from the lover, the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks and then fade over the next six months. As I mentioned earlier, if a slip occurs and contact is made with a lover during withdrawal, the clock goes back to zero, and the period of withdrawal starts all over again. So those few who report lingering withdrawal symptoms after six months are usually guilty of making sporadic contacts with the former lover, and lying about those contacts to their spouse. <hr></blockquote><p>What you are feeling is normal and the sooner you end contact and maintain it, the sooner you will feel better. This is also why your H's attempts at affection are ineffective, but after the first weeks of withdrawal, you will probably feel differently about his efforts to meet your ENs (Emotional Needs).<p>Mr. INF, your job is to be patient during the withdrawal period and avoid LBs at all costs. Even if your efforts to meet Mrs. INF's needs seem ineffective, it is still important for you to work on it so that you can become an expert at meeting her most important ENs in order to rebuild your M. When she is through withdrawal, she will be able to begin contributing to marital recovery and to learn about your most important ENs.<p>As I said before, it is going to take trust in US here at MB to believe that it will get better for both of you.<p>I can add these points from my own personal experience (and everyone here will be able to add their own unique perspective as well):<p>The importance of following the checklist above cannot be understated. I am still waiting for all of the information about my H's A to be revealed to me despite my having told him how essential it was to reveal ALL from D-day on. This is inhibiting our recovery to this day.<p>My H also thought he could continue contact by working with the OW every day and still "work on the M". Didn't happen. So, we ended up with 4 months wasted on continued contact, which led to my emotional withdrawal from him. Now he is the one "in love" with me, and I am the one on the fence.<p>The stuff he did AFTER D-day did more damage to our M than the stuff he did BEFORE D-day, so when your H says you are risking the M if you insist on seeing the "friends" who endangered your M, believe him.<p>There is no easy way around these. If you try to skip one or do it halfheartedly, it will come back and bite you both in the you-know-what.<p>Dave Carder's book, Torn Asunder, would also be helpful to both of you for understanding the heavy-duty feelings you are both going through and the timelines involved so you can each empathize with the other.<p>This is probably the most difficult time of both of your lives, but you really can get through it.<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

dear mr and mrs. funk-you have gotten answers from some very wise people-READ-RE READ-AND READ AGAIN. they know what they are talking about.<p>as far as the remorse thing-i am into this since dec. 9th. i am still waiting for remorse and empathy. good thing i wasnt holding my breath. i will keep waiting because i know its in there and he feels it-he just doesnt know how to get it out.<p>i also keep going-even when i dont want to and think i deserve better, because i love my husband-faults and all more than anything. i also know we can overcome this.

Excellent advice from everyone. Please listen and read as much of this site as you can. Especially YOU Mr. Funk. And yes, I do know exactly where you are coming from with all this.<p> Mr. Funk, you have to realize that you must be a safe harbor for your W. STOP asking questions of her, and then getting all pissed off when you have time to think about the truthful answer she gave you. Stop trying to rush this. It took some time for the marriage to get to this point. So please be realistic and know this will take time to repair. <p> Your wife is right about one thing brother. If you do not wise up to some things soon, you will be pushing her out the door. <p> Take this time to work on you. Show your wife why choosing you is the right thing to do. In other words show her the man she married. Be that man again and forever. And be the first to admit that you had a hand in the state of the marriage up to the point of her infedility. That choice was all hers.<p> I hope you both stick around here for awhile. And that you will both post often. AND that perhaps you can avoid replying in each others threads. At least while there is major tension in the house.
Try to understand what the other is going through and be compassionate for each others feelings.<p> I will be praying for you both. Wish you only the best

jd

fundedup,<p>I was concerned about the same issue - remorse (or rather lack of it)and expressed that to Steve Harley during an IC session. His response was - Does he have to show remorse right now?<p>My answer after thinking about what I had read on these boards, that at times remorse comes later, much later. So my answer was no, it dosn't have to be right now (but I would really like it to be) That as long a we were working towards recovery, for now, it would be ok.<p>Be thankful that both of you have found MB and are willing to look at the material and post on these boards. (my WH had 1 appointment with Steve Harley and to my knowledge, hasn't looked at this site.)<p>God Bless

Hello Mr & Mrs Funk<p>I am glad to see both of you here. I know this board has really hlep my H and I. Just a general word of advice, read here and then discuss things you have read here with one another. This has really helped my H and I. Before I really get started you should know that I am the WS and currently working hard to rebuild. Progress is slow, very slow. I know that isn't exactly what you want to hear right now but slow is waht it is.<p>Mrs Funk, as for your friends, I am of the opinion that if they enabled the A, then they have to go. How can Mr. Funk trust what you are doing when you go out with friends if they helped you see the OM in the first place. I would suspect you of calling or seeing the OM if I were him.<p>You both speak of remorse. I do not know your story in depth; I can only speak from my experience and from my impression of what you have written here. Remorse is something that comes with time. Mrs. F thinks she is feeling remorse right now. Mr. F doesn't think she is feeling enough. If my experience is any indication, the remorse you may be feeling right now is nothing compared to what you will be feeling in the future if you are sincere about working on your M. Remorse comes from looking inside yourself to find out why the A happened in the first place. Remorse comes when you stop blaming the A on the BS and take full responsiblity for it. <p>And "take full responsiblity" is kind of vague. Everyone seems to have their own definition. It means a little something different to everyone. But the one consistant thing I have noticed is that you stop cry to "old poor me" song. Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself about the situation you got yourself in you can get down to the real work of looking inside yourself to figure out why you did it in the first place and fixing those things.<p>Sounds harsh? Of course it does. But that is what I am hearing. Mrs F, you are crying "oh poor me. He won't let me see my friends." Well, your "friends" helped you deceive your H. Not very good friends in my opinion. You need to give up your friends and the OM and get on with rebuilding yourself and your M. Not a very easy thing. Actually it is quite scary. Confronting yourself is one of the most frightening things in the world. That is why I am still around here. You will find many friends and a lot of support around here. I know this and many other responses you get from time to time will not seem like support but they are. They are just honest and, as WS, that is not something we are used to.<p>Good Luck<p>Regretting

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by inafunk:
<strong> He's afraid I'll call OM during these short visits, even though I assure him I won't. Question: Is he wrong to keep me from my friends like this?>>> <p>Question 2: I have seen all the percentages and statistics about affairs not lasting, but are there any stats on marriages that recover after an affair?
IAF>>><p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: inafunk ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Question 1- His response is very natural. You have already proven that you are capable of lying. It is far too soon for him to be able to take you at your word that you won't be calling of seeing the OM on these outings. He knows that your friends would probably cover for you if you were. The first 6 months after my H's affair was over were hell for me. If he went to the store and was gone 5 minutes longer than expected I was in a full fleged panic attack. He went out with friends afew times soon after we got back together (he had moved out for 6 months) and I cried hysterically the entire time he was gone, convinced that he was lying to me, again. It takes a long time for trust to come back and it will never be blind trust. Un accounted for time is a big love buster for the BS early on in the recovery process. The WS has a lot to prove, and it's not easy.<p> Question 2- My H moved out within weeks of starting his affair. Moved in with OW, lied about her the whole time. It lasted about 6 months, then we reconciled. The first 6 months was VERY hard, harder for me than him, but after that it started to get a lot better. It's 3 years past the end of the affair now and we have a better marraige than I ever thought possible. My best friend was a WS about 6-7 years ago. She and her H also worked things out and have a truly wonderful marriage.

hello inafunk....<p>I have never posted a reply to someone else's post but i was encouraged to do so by my H bcos your situation is almost similar to mine. I am the WS and D day was the 14th Feb. I hope that you would read my previous threads under the name 'compulsiveliar' and then my following threads under 'GenevieveM'. You will understand my situation clearly once you have read them....it will also help if you read other MBers' posts bcos they have helped my H and i tremendously. We have made some very good and honest friends on this forum and we will forever be grateful to their honesty and advice.<p>Please let me start by saying that i fully understand everything that you are going through and that it is hard, yes, jeez...very hard! But until you arrive at that pivotal point of discovery and eventually find that remorse and realization, it aint going to be easy. You see, even after having come clean with my H about the A on D-day, i still carried on lying to him by keeping in contact with OM whenever i was at the office. he found out i was still keeping in contact bcos he had my phones tapped at work and ALL conversations with OM were recorded and later listened to. This was even way after i wrote the "No Contact" letter.<p>So my A carried on even while my H was here with me (he was away when i had the A and got back on the 1st Feb). i did not stop lying to him until he told me about the phone calls and after many very hard and painful nights and many long discussions and even a lot more LBing, one fateful night was all it took for me to discover my true self. It had to take a lot of tears and pain and very painful words exchanged between H and me...the thought of actually losing my H was another jolt of reality for me. I cried for hours after that and woke up the next day knowing that i had to start with myself first, that i had to trust myself and love myself before my H can trust or love me again. <p>Its been 2 weeks or so since that night and we are still together. Its a long and hard road and it will take a long time before things will be the same as it was before....as long as you can show your H that you can be trusted, he will never even trust you if you say you are going to the store to buy cigarettes or even milk. It was agreed that we cannot be apart at any time of the day even though the last 2 weeks was hard for him cos i still had to go to work....however, whereever it is i have to go, H will go too, if i have to go to the store, he will have to go too. If you have to make a call or someone calls you, you would have to let him know who it is and what it is for. If you have an email address or two, or any code numbers for cell phones or voicemails, you will have to surrender them ALL over to him. if you happen to be at the store and bump into an old friend from way back who has nothing to do with whats going on, you will still have to let him know. Bottom line is, inafunk, you have to be an open book to him. i am sorry, but you have to. Its been hard for me too and there are still times when i am resentful and irritable when H goes into my email to check my mail or checks my voicemails....buy hey, can you blame him? You are in withdrawal for sure and i am sure that OM was there for you when you needed someone to met your needs. However, he was part of that fantasy life that excited you and its the excitement that you are missing, not OM. i know that bcos i realised that i was not missing OM but the excitement and the things i used to do with OM, not OM himself. <p>With regards to your friends, well, i had friends too who have been friends with me for ages and whom have known me way before i met my H. However, they are all facilitators to my A in one way or another and you will have to realise that if any of them were true friends, that they will be trying to put some sense into you about NOT having the A. All my friends knew of or knew my H and yet none of them said anything to me. One of them even went out with me and OM on some occasions. Look, you have to understand that my friends have always played an integral part of my life and have been very impt to me. But the time will come when you have to ask yourself, what have they done FOR you that has helped YOU in your life? i am sorry this is hard, but if you have some time alone, reevaulate your relationship with your girlfriends and ask yourself if they are really your friends or not bcos i have come to realise that they are not mine. Good memories of your friendship with them is all that you can have to call your own now bcos everything else has been lies.<p>i am not saying that you are not impt, but the one person now who is impt is your H and how you are going to help him with his triggers and his nights of pain and tears and getting mad at you and his not-knowing if you are telling the truth anymore. i know you will feel resentment as well esp when he keeps asking you questions and asking you the 'who-what-where-when-why'. my advice is sit him down one night and tell him everything and i mean EVERYTHING. from when you met OM, the things you used to do with him, the physical aspects, the conversations. Your H might get angry, mad, sad, walk away, whatever....in the end, he will eventually come to see that you are making that effort to want to come clean with him and that you want the M to work. But please promise yourself this one thing....that you will not do this to him again bcos although i will never understand the true extent of the pain i have put my H through, i can feel the pain and the destruction that i have caused to the M and to myself. Talk to your H and ask him what he feels and what he is going through and how this has made him feel about himself and how his life has changed since D-day.....you will learn that your A was nothing but a big demolition ball crushing your M.<p>You mentioned something about your mom and dad, so i thought i mention this.....most of us come from dysfunctional families or abusive families but we have to put our foot down and stop blaming them and start learning that this life that we have is ours and although what they have done was wrong and it makes us not want to screw up with our own lives, at the end of the day the life we have now is your own and only YOU can save your M. No one else can. <p>Come here as often as you can bcos i have been and so has my H and i assure you that there are many of us here who are here to help you and your H as best we can. The both of you are not alone. There are many amazing people here on this board.....trust them.

Hey Genevieve long time no see, how are you and your H, Harley, doing lately?<p>Great advice you gave inafunk, because she will know that she is not the only one going thru the things she is going thru at the moment.<p>Go to run, but it's great to hear from you again and say hello to Harley for me, ok?<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

Mr. and Mrs. Funk - I cannot add much to the tremendous advice you've already received above. It's rare that couples both show up here - being at this place so early into your ordeal gives you both a huge leg up on a successful recovery. I believe you will make it and before long YOU'LL be the ones giving out advice.<p>Mrs. Funk - just making your first post here indicates your very good likelihood of success. It took a lot of courage and we admire you for it.<p>Mr. Funk - all I can reinforce is to not be in a hurry. You can do NOTHING to change your wife. You can do PLENTY to change YOU. I don't know all the details, but try expressing your remorse for helping to crerate the poor marital environment that allowed her to make the wrong choices.<p>To you both, sit down and write a no contact letter to OM. Walk together to the mailbox and send it. Then the real recovery can begin.

Wow...so much good information. I just wanted to add whatever I can since I too was in your shoes Mrs. Funk. First of all, 4 days isn't SQUAT....so don't EVEN lose hope yet...to lose hope at this point means that you have expectations, and at this point those can only get in the way of true healing. The first time my H and I decided to work things out, I was the same way you are now (and yes Mr. Funk that's completely NORMAL...not productive, but normal). I was not ABOUT to have him telling ME where I could go with whom and what have you. By gosh the REASON I strayed was cause he was such a lousy husband in the first place so there was no way I was going to "give in" to his control issues. EEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRCH. Well..that stupid arrogant attitude got us nowhere. Truth is I chose the affair because I was sad and lonely and couldn't get out of it and couldn't seem to find the reasons why...I chose to run. Our marriage wasn't perfect, my partner was CERTAINLY not perfect...so it got the blame. It looked "easy" with the OM...my marriage was always hard work and would be even harder work to "fix". That's fantasy...if you believe it would be "easier" with someone else you are incorrect. Certain things might be easier, certain things might be better...but I honestly believe that for every plus there would be a minus you can't even begin to imagine. It's a stalemate and not one worth risking a marriage over in my opinion (stale mate...was that a pun?!?!) I just about got everything I "wanted". I had my freedom, I had the OM ready to sweep me off my feet, I was well on my way to divorcing amicably...what more could a girl want? Well...this girl wanted her life back...the whole shebang, H included. When I just about lost it all, I realized that in order to keep it (given the chance) I was willing to do whatever my H needed. I had IMMENSE remourse once it hit me how badly I'd hurt him. I sure didn't care at first...the more he showed me hurt the guiltier I'd feel and the more I'd punish him and get resentful. When H and I decided to give it one last shot...I told him that I'd give him all my passwords on the internet, I'd quit going to the bar with my girlfriends, I would check in with him if that's what he needed. And it didn't seem like an awful thing to have to do anymore. I was really going to lose an entire marriage over going to the bar with my girlfriends? What the F*** for? I didn't even enjoy it that much! If the shoes were on the other foot, you would expect as much.<p>If you really want to work things out....which at this point it's probly too early to really know because you are still grieving the OM (which, again Mr Funk, is NORMAL) you are going to have to do some major re-committing. There is a ton of good reading here....take time to absorb it...don't avoid it. Good luck!