It is so weird, but my H is so different now that sometimes it scares me! He is so attentive and loving, and thoughtful, all things he'd long stopped being. But since all this mess, he's made a complete 360. I try to go with it and just enjoy the changes, but I can't help but feel weird at times. I look at him and wonder, "how could this be the same man who said and did those things with <I>her</I>?" It's just so weird.<P>Anyone else feel this way?

Yes many things are different with us too now ( for the better of course !).<BR>It felt weird in the begining, after having just gone trough a much more uncaring behaviour, it feels normal now, it's what I was used to before it happen ( well even better I admit, due, no doubt to what we learned in the process ).<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

She's different. I'm different. Our marriage is different. Different is good. <P>It is wierd at times, bad thoughts do still creep in, the scars are there, but things are better and that's nice.<P>SHA<BR>

My h. is different enough to make me wonder "Is this an act so he doesn't have to go it alone in a dumpy apartment? Maybe he just missed the kids while he wasn't at home?" <P>However, I also see glimpses of this great guy I dated 17 years ago, before mortgages, 3 kids and a demanding career changed him. We are both committed to figuring out "Is there enough here to work with?" That is what he told our counselor last night, and I agreed.<P>I think those of us in rebuilding mode need to focus on the positive and not on the doubts. I mean, I want him to give me another chance to fill his needs, yet I don't give him credit for having a conscience. <P>I have a good friend (hi, Big Sis, if you are reading this) who has discovered over 15 years of lies and affairs by her husband. <BR>This friend keeps advising me to save myself while I'm young and get rid of the lying cheat. <P>Last night, our therapist pointed out to me, 'But Liz, h. HAS a conscience, that is why he finally told you. He kept it from you after it was over so you wouldn't feel this pain. He wanted to divorce you because you deserved better, remember?"<P>So, yes, it is weird, and yes, I keep wondering how long we can keep this up before we fall back into old patterns.<P>I do think, tho, that the trauma he went through the day after telling me when he had to pack and tell our kids that he would be staying elsewhere for a while "Dad has to do some grownup work for a while", really snapped him out of LaLa land. <P>Of course, discovering that she had lied and cheated on him helped too. ("Thank you, Skinny, ugly lying cheating --ut" --his choice of nickname, not mine).<P>I find that the contrast between the ugliness of the affair and the joy and wholesomeness of our present family life really brings out the good in both of us.<P>But I still worry about "What if" we fall off the MB wagon?<P>LIZ (His Pearl)<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

lark,<BR>Mine too, even though my H has never treated me badly or even un-loved, he is soooo different now. He has admitted that he has a new kind of love for me, he has always known that I have loved him, but now he really sees how much. When he felt he might loose me, he turned it all around and stopped what he was doing. It is ashame that we have lost time together. I am looking forward to a strong, happy life now. The hurt is starting to fade, but memories will still linger, maybe that's not all bad, keep us on our toes?<P>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME

Lark: I know exactly what you mean. I am experiencing the same bliss-honeymoon romantic H that I had for almost twenty years until a year ago. His 30 day "fling" ended in January when he came home. He was in withdrawal until mid-June...and since then, my H is like he used to be for all those years; loving, attentive, REMORSEFUL (my personal favorite-it's so healing). He is absolutely wonderful with an added new maturity and sensitivity and humility I have never seen before. I love how he allows himself to be vulnerable with me-that he trusts me enough to really talk to me and even absorb my intermittent anger and questions when I'm looking for reassurance. Now he answers my questions without defensiveness and tells me what I want to know without getting upset. He doesn't like it and he wishes it would go away and I would stop, but, until my soul is healed, he knows it's just the price he has to pay. I am careful not to beat him up with it and to keep the questions and neediness to a minimum and only for when I really can't stand it anymore and I have to vent. Thank God for this forum. Without this forum we would not be where we are today because I would have dumped all the pain and anger on him and we probably would have taken far longer to progress this far. Do you find that to be true as well?<BR>I too look at my H and wonder how he could have been capable of doing the horrible things he did and that he could betray me. How was all this possible? I will never be able to understand how he could ruin and damage everything and destroy us so completely. I can't believe we have survived all this, but we have. It's incredible. Ours must be a very special marriage to have come out of this like we have. Do you feel like that too? Now, Lark, you and I must go into acceptance mode because we will never understand it. <BR>While I am thoroughly enjoying and accepting all this wonderful closeness and involvement from him, it seems as though last year was just a horrible nightmare and that it didn't really happen. But it did. And then the waves of sadness sweep over me once again. But little by little with each passing day, we get better, my sadness lessens and we grow closer. I can't believe how incredible the sex is and how much he appreciates it and me. Then I obsess over what it was like for him to be with her. And I feel crushing pain that she has his child and I don't. That is the part that is so impossible for me to get past. He has children with women he doesn't love, mean nothing to him and I am the only person in the world entitled to have our children, yet, I am unable. This is a devastating sadness that engulfs me. It was my personal sorrow for twenty years as it was. Now with this innocuous stranger having a child that should be mine and mine alone, the grief and loss I feel are even more staggering. He does not know of this very personal tragedy I deal with daily, hourly. <BR>So then I realize that the nightmare is real, and we are living it. However, I just couldn't throw away all those wonderful and special years with someone who I am deeply in love with and who is obviously deeply in love with me for a lousy year and a 30 day fling-even though it resulted in a pregnancy and a child. <BR>My H is once again sober (he's an alcoholic who enjoyed almost 18 years sobriety) and is no longer delusional and experiencing that twisted thinking. He's even becoming logical and more pragmatic, taking time to think things through instead of knee-jerk, the torpedos be damned, "I'm gonna do wexactly what I want regardless of consequences" behavior. This gives me some form of stability and security I haven't felt in a very long time. <BR>In our day to day living, it seems so normal and just like it was before. It's me who has to deal with the pain and having the demons pop into my head; wondering how this could have happened and why. My Mom says that my H had a nervous breakdown, so we're all trying to find excuses for his behavior because we all love him and like him the was he is now. <BR>I am so thrilled for you, Lark, that you are enjoying this recovery with your H. It truly is a wonderful feeling after the pain and horror of the affair. It's just such a horrible shame that we have to suffer like this because of their unspeakable behavior and wonder why we have been put through these sad and heartwrenching times because of their actions. It is gratifying to come out of the hell, badly beaten-up, maybe, but with a new understanding and opportunity to grow. Unforunately it's at our expense, but with consistency, our marriages may achieve a higher plane. I hope. I hope there's a pony in here somewhere. <BR>To me, nothing is worth this, but there's nothing that can be done. The damage is done but I for one am glad I stayed in the marriage and I truly am grateful to be with my H and experiencing this wonderful connection with him again.<BR>The confusion we experience and the questions will always be ever-present but I believe they will continue to lessen over time if our spouses stay as they are and continue to grow and continue to be grateful for the opportunity to come home to us and our families. They have found out the grass wasn't greener; that there was quicksand underneath, and it was swallowing up everything meaningful in their lives.<BR>God bless and comfort you, protect and guide you and your H, Lark. I love this thread and this opportunity to say something positive after all my months of angonizing pain and sadness.<BR>Sorry this is so long but i had so much to say!

I see a lot of change in my H, but can't help but feel it is fake, just like his entire life was during his affair.<P>He really tries when He knows I'm down. When I start acting more secure he stops trying. That is why my life is such a rollercoaster. He says he has 34 years of selfishness and 14 years of being an uncaring husband in his past, it is unreasonable to think he can change overnight.<P>He still keeps expressing the attitude that he hopes I can help him learn to love me. I don't understand that.<P>I have changed. I try harder to fulfill his needs, but there is a hardness and bitterness in me that I can't shake. Anyone who knows me can see in my eyes that there is something wrong.<P>My H says it is hard to live with someone that hates him. <P>Our main problem is that I did not feel loved during most of our marriage, he did not feel loved either. We don't have a previously good marriage to work toward restoring. We are having to develop a new relationship. This has been easier for him, because he has not been betrayed by me so my efforts at satisfying his needs can be taken a face value. I would never pursue a new relationship with an adulterer, therefore my position is a lot more difficult.<P>He knows I am ready to quit, but he says he is not and has asked me to keep trying.

Lark,<P>This is a really good post. I find myself constantly questioning whether going through this devastating pain has the remotest possibility of yielding anything good.<P>I asked my H yesterday on our walk if he thought he would be willing to make the necessary changes for a better marriage if we get through this crisis. I just had to know.<P>His response kind of surprised me. He said "I think that question should be turned around. I'll need to make the changes to get through the crisis". Then he muttered something about old dogs & learning new tricks, but indicated he would try (although without much enthusiasm).<P>It's just very encouraging to hear about some marriages that survive and are better than before. That's my goal-- nothing less.

We are not into recovery but I'll add my tidbit.<P>I changed dramatically (my W left me for OM), I saw where I had failed and fixed / still fixing those areas. I went from being the quite, thoughtless, at least I'm paying the bills, type person. To a loving, understanding, and caring person.<P>My W did the opposite. I listen to her and I'm repulsed. She has become a lieing, backstabbing, obscene, child so much so that at times I do not recognize her.<P>Everyone changes somehow. The question is how.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Discovery of H's 4 month affair was 5 months ago. He was remorseful from the beginning and said he never had plans to leave me. Up until this last month, he has been very attentive and sweet and tries to comfort any bad feelings that arose in me (though he still didn't want to discuss the affair after the first month).<P>The problem is that for the last few weeks he has been slipping. There is like a buried anger that is coming out towards me. (I noticed this during the affair also). He is withdrawing and very depressed and we have not been close intimately for a couple of weeks. I still snoop and have not found anything suspicious (his affair was with my "friend" who has moved on to other men) so i don't think anything is going on.<P>Can anyone tell me what this may be about and have they experienced this?

My husband also went throught the 360 degree<BR>turnaround. As soon as he was discovered he became as sweet as honey, when before, he was<BR>constantly putting me down, I was always doing something wrong and sex together was just an activity. He would hardly ever kiss me, it was a chore for both of us. He would come home from work, after having been with her, and would ignore me...I hated it...and wanted to leave him because I thought he did not love me...Now...he kisses me all the time, we make fantastic love, he tells me he loves me, he tells me he loves my new skinnier body (lost 22 lbs. because of this crisis) and a whole lot of other good things...I am also enjoying this new man...but...I asked him point blank how is it possible that he feels like this towards me now if just a couple of months ago he could hardly stand me....he says that he realizes what he was doing was wrong...he is sorry he hurt me so much...does not ever want me to leave...But I must wonder how honest he is being and if he is waiting for the tornado I caused to wind down so that he can go back to being his old cheating self....with this woman or with another woman....I have doubts that these two have really stopped this relationship....or have they ? Or if they have for now...will it restart....Is this a new man that has come out of this crisis or is it a man that will be more careful with his extramarital activities ? I just don't know. Some people never change...some people need a change, a new sexual partner, excitment which is sometimes difficult to keep up for ever...most marriages become routine...sometimes I think<BR>its hopeless....once a cheater always a cheater....

Thank you all for posting here. It's threads like this that keep me going. I know for sure that I have no interest in the irresponsible, selfish, and emotionally disconnected husband I currently have. I'm counting on him coming out of this. If he doesn't, I'm wasting my time even if he does come back.

Wow, thanks for all the quick replies. I'm not used to getting such enthusiastic responses to my posts.<P>Catnip, thanks so much for your heartfelt post. I agree with everything you've said and share so many of your feelings and misgivings about our "new improved" H's. I'm not at all worried that my H will slip back into his "old ways," because I flat out will not allow that and he know that. I almost left him this time and have assured him that this is his <B>first</B> and <B>last</B> chance. I can't go through this again, and I won't.<P>But the thing that perplexes me when I look at him is how could this sweet, loving and soft-hearted man have betrayed me so callously. It simply baffles me! I could not picture him doing any of the things he did a little over a year ago. He's just not the same person. And he's not <I>acting</I> either. He's no good at acting and I know right away when he is lying, so that's not it. It's that he really has changed, but the changes are so profound that it's scary.<P>Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I <B>love</B> and greatly appreciate this fantastic treatment, but I think this could serve as a reminder to us at how people <I>can</I> change ...... for the better or the worse. Thanks for listening.

My H has also done a 360 in the past couple of months--since I disappeared for two days and he finally admitted to one 1-night stand. I'm loving the affection, attention, respect, and sex, but I have to admit that I can't yet trust that this new behavior will last. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's as though he is doing all these wonderful things in an effort to keep me so satisfied that I won't push the issue of who else he has had an affair with. And, after feeling like he <B>hated</B> me for so long, I'm still not sure that his turnaround isn't because he's afraid of losing everything if I leave.<BR> On the other hand, one of his friends made the remark to me that H is trying to get his priorities in order--whatever that means. I haven't discussed any of this with any of our group of friends, so I don't know if that is a reference to giving up screwing around or not.<BR> I'm not in too good a mood today. I'm wishing H would hurry up and tell me ALL the truth.<BR>

My H is a conflict avoider, so I know that he will try his hardest to stay on his best behavior because that is the best way to keep me <I>happy</I>. Now that the crap has hit the fan and all the skeletons are out of the closet, he knows I will never revert to that quiet little thing who never questioned him. She's gone forever. So, I guess in that sense, I've changed too!

i am not in a rebuilding stage with my w as she has not yet decided if she is willing to try--i am the betrayer--i am<BR>doing the best i can to rebuild myself in terms of understanding my own problems, the problems in our marriage, why i did what i did, and am hoping my w at some point is willing to try to rebuild with me...i know she feels that right now i am willing to do or say anything out of fear of losing her forever and she has great concerns that if we do reconcile that after the new honeymoon period that i will revert to the old me...all i can say is that i feel that i have learned so much from my mistakes and truly have changed to become a better person and only time will prove me right or wrong...i'm sure all betrayed's at some point question their betrayer's motives to change and whether the changes can be permanent...<BR>much peace and love...trying hard<BR>

Hi there Lark,<P>I'm a bit late on this one but in catching up on Saturday morning, I found it. You've written a reeeeel good one!<P>Doesn't it seem unreal sometimes? Too good to be true? Don't trust it? Yes, Suse and I have experienced those kinds of feelings and doubts as well. It's been over a year now for us and there's still a magic to it all. <P>Consider: we don't fight. Have hardly even had a terse word in the year. Well....maybe two or three times, but we re-connect so quickly and easily. Also, we reeeeely enjoy being with each other. When we can't connect at least once or twice a day, we go thru withdrawal. Coffee in the morning, glass of wine at nite, a little snuggle at dinner.<P>So where the HELL was all this for years before?????<P>Oh, it was there. We'd see glimpses of it, but couldn't maintain it. Why? Because we were afraid. We'd built up walls...barriers. Nobody wanted to risk for too long. We also had become very complacent about taking care of "us". <P>The affair (mine) was a major wakeup call. For both of us we realized what we stood to lose. And, it also made us realize that we really did like each other. We got married 20 years ago for the right reasons.<P>Of further impact was it finally gave Suse a chance for redemption after her affair of 7+ years prior. She had a BIG opportunity to nurture me during an extremely vulnerable time for me. My life had just cratered.<P>So, where are we now? Savoring every minute we spend together!<P>Feel like we dodged a bullet? Yup! More than one. So, for all of you who are just a little earlier on the road to recovery? Yes, it is real. Enjoy it all! And, remember what you're together for.

It's so weird that this is being asked at this time in my life. I too, have been asking this question for the past two months. We are 9 months into recovery and he is like a different man. We are so happy!! We are even going to try to start a family even sooner than we had planned because he says he "just can't wait to be a daddy!" I have wondered if it was a farce, but once I let myself go and actually enjoy it, it got even better. He could sense me holding back and so I think he was holding back too. No more! Let the lovin' continue!

Lark,<P>You have asked a very profound question. How can people change sooo much. It seems to me that they have not really changed at all. It is just another side of them. They probably showed some of it when dating and initially married, but felt very vulnerable. <P>Will they revert back. It is possible because obviously they are capable of the deeds that got the marriage into the current situation. But I have always believed that people really prefer to be good, and if given a chance and the right environment they will do just that.<P>I suspect that both spouses really have to decide to be kind, loving, and communicative. Once that is done and the fear of vulnerability is gone, then the good side wins out and life is good.<P>I guess this is my long winded way of saying your spouse hasn't really as unnatural a thing as you fear. They are willing and comfortable in showing the side you always wanted to see. They are very likely enjoying it too. If they do, I suspect the behavior will be permanent. (A few LB's of course ).<P>

I have never posted here before but have been reading for quite some time.This question really made me think.I wish I could be as lucky as all of you in saying my husband has done a 360* turn around for the better.Yes,he has done a turn around but not for the better.After the affair we separated for 10 months and he actually lived with the OW for 6 months of that time.We finally got back together and since that time things have never been the same.One of the things that attracted me to him in the first place was that he was a very affectionate,giving and unselfish person.He always put my feelings first.Was always doing things to make me happy.When we reconciled he came back a different person.He is not affectionate at all.We hardly ever even kiss or hold hands.When we do have sex it feels so impersonal.I feel like he only does things now to make himself happy.We never do fun things with the family anymore or even go out on dates with just the two of us and no kids.I sometimes wonder if he came back jsut for the kids.I have asked him this and his answer is always no.I cant for the life of me figure out what happened to him in the 10 months we were separated.If I knew he had become like this I may not have ever tried to work on things.<BR>I have talked to him about this and we have talked to our counselor about it.He just says he realizes that he has become a colder person and he will try harder.He cant even give me any explanation as to why he has become like this.Of course I keep wondering if its because he either still cares for the OW or if he is still involved with her.We have now been back together for 2 years and you would think if that were the case something would have come of it.These last 2 years have been pretty rotten in my opinion.I am just starving for some affection.If there was ever a time I needed it it would be after his affair.<BR>Does anyone else have some insight on this or maybe have the same problem?Any advice would be appreciated.Thanks!!<BR>Tammy

Hi Tammy,<P>I wanted to give you a response. You have lived this way for 2 years?? It sounds like your H is <I>resentful</I> for having returned to the marriage. And it also sounds like it's possible he is still involved with OW (sorry ) He is purposely withholding love and affection from you, and that's not right! How is counseling going? Do you feel your counselor is effective?<P>I feel this is emotional abuse on your H's part. Also, this puts <I>you</I> in a very vulnerable state where it'd be possible for <B>you</B> to have an affair! I don't really have any insight for you, but I will say that people treat us how we allow ourselves to be treated. Prior to all this, my H did not treat me well, but I accepted that and allowed that. After his affair and our rebuilding, I know that I'd <B>never</B> allow myself to be treated like that again. Ever. My H knows that if he so much as raises his voice to me or behaves disrespectfully to me ............ I'm gone. He also knows that if he withholds love and affection from me ...... I'm gone. And he knows that I would follow through. Those are his choices, so he chooses to treat me well. I'm not interested in just staying married, I want a good marriage. Thankfully, he does too, so that really helps.<P>I probably didn't say much that can help you, but maybe you will get some other responses that will. (You may even want to start your own thread so that others will see it.) Good luck.