18 MONTHS LATER..... What can happen "after" - 11/29/99 01:09 PM
Hello all. Most of you here will not <I>know</I> me or recognize my name. I have not posted here in a very long time..... many months. But I used to be quite the regular here a year ago, all through '98 and the first few months of '99. Of late, even though I haven't posted, I've still popped in and lurked here from time to time. I'll read something I think I can respond to, but then when I attempt to click on "reply," my fingers just won't move. I'm not really sure why I become <I>frozen</I> like that, but I think it's because I really have moved on, in a sense, and to become involved with actively posting again would just bring up everything from the past all over again. I guess, I just got tired of being <I>the betrayed</I>. I don't want that title anymore. The infidelity in my marriage does not define me and who I am or who I want to be. It is a bad thing that happened in my and my H's life, but it's the past. So, I'm here to tell you about my life.... now..... today .... the present ...... and what I know to be my immediate future. I know this is long, so I ask you to please bear with me.<P>This past weekend, my H and I attended some dog shows. I've been showing dogs in both obedience and breed for over 14 years. I emphasize <B>"I"</B> because in the past, I'd attend shows primarily alone or with other show friends because my H was just not interested or involved. He didn't dislike it or stand in my way, and he was supportive in the moral sense, but mostly from afar. Basically, showing dogs was <I>my thing</I>, not his. His thing was fishing (alone) and powerlifting contests. <P>Anyway, since we've been rebuilding our marriage, my H has been a changed man. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I know that's been said many times before on this forum. And I know many of us have wondered if our <I>new</I> spouses are just "putting on an act," or whether they are for real. Well, my H has shown me that answer on many occasions over the past 18 months, but never so more clearly than he did this past weekend.<P>We'd thought we had plenty of time before we had to go into the ring, and we'd been walking around visiting vendor booths and shopping and decided to pop in to the building I was to show in and see how much time we had left. I was number "150," and when I looked at the armband on the handler in the ring, all I could make out was a "49." I couldn't really see if there was a 1 in front of it or not, but I didn't want to chance being skipped over..... so I told my H we had to dash to the car and get our dog. We were parked about 300 yards or so away from the building and my hands were full. So my H sprinted at top speed, much faster than I'd seen his 42year old legs run in a long time, and got our dog, then sprinted back just as quickly. But it wasn't so much the speed or quickness that he did it that blew me away. No, it was the look on his face. I have never seen so much determination before. He was so determined to help me. He was so determined that I would not be skipped over. He was so determined that I would not be disappointed. Even though he was almost completely out of breath, he was determined to get me over to the ring on time.<P>Well, needless to say, it was handler "49" and not "149" in the ring, after all. Figures. But after we rushed so much, we found out that they would break for lunch before they'd get to me, so we had a chance to regroup, sit down and eat, and collect ourselves. Well, we just laughed and laughed about my H's <I>mad dash</I> all through lunch. Just like a couple of kids with the "gigglies." <P>Last night when we returned home and I had a chance to reflect on the entire weekend, I just burst into tears. My H just held me and cried with me. No words had to be spoken. We both knew why we were crying. The tears were for all the lost time wasted when we could have been laughing and loving each others, tears of remorse for all the harsh words spoken out of anger, stubborness and refusal to forgive and move on. But most importantly, they were tears of renewal, tears of peace, and tears of contentment with <I>who</I> we are and what we've become today. <P>I love my H more than I've ever loved him in my entire life. No one, and I mean no one on this planet would have run like that to get me in that ring. He is my right arm, my rock of gibraltar, my knight in shining armour. Yes, he's made some mistakes. So what? Who hasn't? God knows I've made a bunch myself. But that is all behind us now because we've learned <B>how</B> to love each other. Yes, long ago, when we were different people, distant people, people separate from one another, we both made some grave errors. Neither of us is that person today.<P>Last night before we went to bed, my H looked at me and said, "Laurie, I'm so happy to really share my life with you this time. It feels good." It just doesn't get any better than that.<P>I wish you all joy, happiness and peace in this coming holiday season, and brightest hopes for the future.<P>------------------<BR>No one said this (life) was going to be easy.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by LaurieC (edited November 29, 1999).]