For those in Recovery - Marriage Builders® Forums

I know that there are many of you out there whose spouses have ended the affair. You feel that you can't talk about the pain that still bleeds inside of you. You are supposed to be the lucky ones. Please reach out! Please ask for help through the recovery. You can't do it alone. Don't be ashamed that you are not automatically healed becuase the affair is "over". Please don't be ashamed to vent your feelings. I know many of you think that you are feeling sorry for yourself because you can't get over the pain. Others will try to tell you that you should be happy. There is fear, There is sadness, there are things that have to be dealt with. People will tell you to get on with it. You are so lucky to be with your spouse. People will try to minimize what you have gone through. Ignore them. Don't try to be what someone says you should be. To all. Please help those in recovery. During the affair, a person has strength, purpose, adrenalin that keeps you going. After it is "over" there is so much residual pain left that was never dealt with. Triggers that won't go away. Everyone needs support. My Xmas wish for everyone - that you all find a new kind of peace, happiness.....Please remember that pain is pain - even though it may be different than yours.

Can't believe this topic came up. I'm sitting here thinking I wish there was someone to talk to. Everyone is tired of hearing me go on and on about this thing. Friends have been there but they just want life to get back to normal. So do I, but what is normal anymore? I'm so tired of the continual struggle to keep my own spirits up and not LB as well. I am just tired period. This isn't a good day anyway. I told my H we don't have a life anymore. Sure, we're together but it seems we live side by side. The affair put us in the "survival mode" for so long and now we're suppose to go on and be a couple, HOW? It seems that everything eventually comes back to the affair. An argument or difference of opinion can spark an ugly reminder. I'm not sure after all this time if we can get beyond it. I love my H but something died and I can't find a way around it. Thanks for the topic WS, its good to know others in recovery get tired too.Sorry to be a downer for any of the Newbies! ------------------ love is blind

Taj Don't ever be sorry to be a downer please!!! If you don't deal with the pain it just festers. I compare it to a sliver. If you don't get rid of the sliver, it may heal over but the infection is still there. I don't know how you become normal again. I know that there are many wise people here that have managed it. Every situation is different. I am looking at 4 months since the last known contact and 8 years of pain preceding that. I'm not sure I have the strength for this. Tired too...... Please talk to everyone here. There are many people who care. Your pain is real. Like going to surgery. It takes time to recover. You don't just walk out healed. Prayers!!!!!1

I'm so glad you brought this up--I was feeling like I didn't have much to complain about because he wants to stay with me and he's been so wonderful. But then, I thought he was wonderful before while all this was going on; I never had a clue! Every time he tells me loves me or that I'm wonderful, I remember he said that to me while he was having the affiar, too. So what should be joyful is sullied and tarnished. Do you ever reach a point where you can hear words of love without automatically thinking, "yes, but..."? Sometimes, I wonder if I'm completely gullible for forgiving him as quickly as I did--I mean, he did everything that they're supposed to do to prove that they're making the marriage a priority, but I worry that because I forgave him so quickly, he'll do it again. I hear women saying "man, I would NEVER forgive a man who did that to me, never." and I wonder if I'm very good, or just very stupid.

Thanks, I need to see that I am not the only one needing to vent. A once honest marriage full of trust, now every minute apart is full of doubts, where were you?, did you call him? etc...I miss the old us. And I HATE the OM. Even though I have been put through hell I could never hate my wife... is that a defense mechanism? A potential for love? I hope so..LB is too easy, I only wish for an equal chance, one that i am not just told I got way back. "I am here, I want to give it my all!!"PleaseThanks for listening

Barrie, WSThe forgiving is the easy part its the forgetting that takes time! I'm beginning to wonder if we are crazy to even begin to think that forgetting is possible. It may be somewhere more in the line of "acceptance". I've used the Serenity prayer more times then I can count. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change". I have gone through counseling, anti-depressants, major lovebusting(ugh), confrontation with the OW.......then on to the Harley way of restoring the marriage. We certainly have done better with the latter but its not a magic potion. Hard work and committment seem to be endless with little reward initially. I wish I could go back and change everything, thats the only way to erase the pain.My H never went into what the Harleys describe as withdrawal. He hasn't missed a beat except to have to deal with a heartbroken wife. I don't want him to suffer but it seems we are falling back into some familiar patterns which could lead down that long slippery slope. My H has gone to several couseling sessions but they seem to of mainly dealt with my hurt. I fear we never uncovered the "Why" of the affair and that really scares me. I don't know what else to do, it seems I've done it all. The prayer forum (women's bible study) is helping me alot thru this phase of recovery. Its in God's hands anyway.

i want so bad to go back to being the happy couple we were once, and i hate myself for my doubts and screaming. i finally just yelled at him today..as he was on the cell phone, out 'christmas shopping', "I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE ANYMORE", and he said, 'why didn't you say so?' gee, i thought i had, but i guess i didn't. he leaves at least most of the day, at least one day, almost every weekend..MAYBE takes one of the kids to 'give me a break'. i dont' want to have a "break" i want my family to be together on the few minutes he is away from work. everytime he left before, to be with OW, he blamed it on my being grumpy. well, now he STILL keeps leaving, no matter how i act, so i am just a ***** all the time, wondering what plans he's making without me. i feel like this is never going to end!!! i'd rather get a divorce than have the man i love reject me constantly, and wonder if he is lying to me again.... thanks for letting me vent, i needed this.------------------ <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com ID#</A> atp-113

What does LB mean??Ugh! I hate feeling this way.I want things to be the way they used to be too! I want to not think twice when he goes to the video store, to get the mail, to work--auggh! I want to not look at every woman with short, blond hair (the only detail I know about her) and wonder if it's her? I hate this. Sometimes I just want to slap him. Again. :-)

Thank ou Was- As you know, we are wellinto recovery...10 months [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

and doing better than I ever imagined. But, the pain is still there. Little triggers...and I do feel like I do not have much to complain about. I am so gretful to have "us" back!BTW, I talked to the OW last week at a party, and we hugged in front of all their (H and OW's) co-workeds, I think they about fell on the floor! I have forgiven her, and him...I guess. How are you ever sure? The pain is still there, not a day goes by that I do not think about it. But, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am living consciously, insted of floating, as I did before.Thanks for the encouragement!------------------ You will be stronger because of this.

Wow, Sally you read my mind. I never thought about it but I know that when I finally forgave him, it was like a load had been lifted. Maybe now I need to forgive her too? Maybe just in spirit? After all she's still actively trying to screw things up for us.

Barrie,LB(lovebusting)! Doing anything which takes away from the oposite, love deposits. Its all in Dr. Harley material/\. I am reading "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Have read all of his articles on the web and am finally getting around to the book.I sat with the OW and told her I forgave her. It helped at the time and I was sincere. What would really help is if she could ever realize what she did in going after and trapping my H. She thinks it was ok because he was "soooooooo Needy". Yuk! THat is the epitome of justifying ones actions and I call it plain old harlotry. Moan, Vent, Whine. It doesn't really help but sometimes it is necessary.------------------ love is blind

Oh good. Venting is my specialty. Last night, I was looking for a place jsut like this but stumbled instead onto a discussion support area for OP!! There was all kinds of tips and tricks for getting away with it, posts from and to OW consoling each other because "MM is with his family for Christmas". I knew I shouldn't be reading it, but I couldn't tear myself away! then I felt awful, and had this sudden need to run. So I ran outside and up and down the hill behind my apartment a couple times. It felt great, and I felt peaceful and powerful afterwards.

Hi All, Ahhh, a great topic. Pain is pain is pain is pain.....and we all have it!! Gads Barrie, glad you keep your fingers shut on that other site. Sorry, I have no sympathy for those that got themselves into this situation on the op board. I can say I have forgiven my h, but have to go along with taj...how do we really know at this phase? I feel like the test for that is many yrs away. Forgiveness with my h is more clear-he is working on his issues, he is remorseful, he has changed. The ows have shown none of the above, so though forgivenesss is for ourselves, I feel that they are not worth the effort at this time. Maybe will feel different some day? Cannot work on everything at once and my marraige is more important right now! Recovery is hard ws. Really really hard. I think sally, you and I are all about at the same time frame? Taj and barrie? Sometimes I get so tired...just too tired to think I can keep working on things. My h sends me e-mail telling me to stop working on the marriage, that everything is wonderful, has always been and always will be. Well, I am glad he feels so good about it! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

But I am not comfortable with things the way they are quite yet. Sure things are great, but I know they could be better, so I have to keep striving for that. Some ways I cope with recovery...getting rid of any triggers that are mobile! Hard to move a building or level a city, but a shirt, picture, chair, particular phone, etc can all be trashed without a second thought. H and I have gone to some of the places that were reserved for ow meetings. Now I can claim those places as ours, they are no longer places 'they' went. I still have issues with mexico, panama city, and atlanta, but am okay with the rest. I read a lot of positive motivators to keep me focused. I try to keep my head clear of the trash...and it is really hard to do!Seems that if I try doing nice things for h, it is easier to sty focused. Still have terrible pms since all this started and want to crawl in a hole every month!! WS???

cl there are places that they went that I haven't gone yet because each time we I try to go I feel ill--he's so at ease and knows his way around them, and I know why. should I force myself through the ill feeling or wait and listen to when I feel ready?

hi barrie, I think I would give things a bit more time if I were you. Don't force it, don't try to rush things. Took me a long time to enter those places and I am glad I waited til I felt strong and powerful. I needed that strength-it was very hard. Almost felt militant taking back what was mine-taking back what was ours!

cl I really wanted to post a smiley face in my message to you but I don't know how to do it!! so here: :-) thanks, you sound like a woman after my own heart with all that "taking back what's ours" stuff. we'll be living here for about 7 months and then we'll move again, to gether, to a completely new place. I can't WAIT!!

CL,Triggers, eeeeeh gaaaaaads, a million of them. How do you exorcise your marriage of a person who tried to take over your life. Drive by a place, each and every holiday, toys purchased for your grandchildren(that is the corker). Every time I pack his lunch I remember she packed it for him too and he decided which one was the best! I sometimes wish I could have a lobotomy!!!! Will not go to places they went, just will not. One thing though, they were pretty much stuck in her run down apartment for fear someone would see them. Thats one good thing about a small town [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Hardest thing though is to realize that she shared so much with my H that was mine. The feeling of violation is consuming at times. Sold everything I could that was a reminder, our house, our RV, trashed every piece of clothing and paraphenalia she gave him. We worked hard for all that stuff and I even resent having to sell it. Guess I have a few more things to work through huh!!!!

Taj, I just read your profile and my heart goes out to you. I have to ask you something I've been afraid to ask him: I want him to get rid of the bed. Do you think that's unreasonable? She was with him on it.[This message has been edited by Barrie (edited December 12, 1999).]

Barrie,If I sold the house and she was in it. I sold the RV which they did their thing in. I would probably light a funeral fire with the bed they were in!!!!! Fortunately( if I can believe the story) they never "used" our bed. Violated is violated!------------------ love is blind

My husband and I are in the situation you described here: In recovery, but still suffering. I would like to share a suggestion that was the first helpful thing I did. I got the idea from reading a book by John Gray, I believe the title is "What You Can Feel, You Can Heal".My husband was the betrayer, but we are both suffering with the pain caused by infidelity. The pain of being betrayed by the person that you love most in the world cannot be described, but is shared by many of us here. To begin to heal, it is important that suffering be acknowledged and dealt with. One of our greatest obstacles was that my husband wanted me to just "get over it" and move on. He would apologize for hurting me, but did not truly acknowledge my feelings, and I could not accurately describe those feelings. I also constantly reminded him of the pain I was in.After reading the book, I knew I had to fully define my feelings so that I could deal with them, and that it was important to stop talking about them continuously. So I wrote my husband a letter, and followed the guidelines the book suggested. The letter contains six parts, roughly of equal length. In the first part I listed what made me feel hate and anger. In the second part I listed the things that made me afraid. In the third part I listed all the things that made me sad. In the fourth part I listed the things I regretted. In the fifth part I described what I need from him to help me recover. In the last part I listed all the things that I loved about him and our marriage.I gave him the letter and he read it. He also agreed to read it at least once everyday. By doing this, he is aware of my feelings without me telling him, but is also reminded of ways to help me heal my pain and of all the things I love about him.This one simple thing allowed us to begin the recovery process. Of course, it is working because we both want it to, but this idea might help other couples.

hi barrie and taj, if getting rid of the bed is what you need to do, then go for it. It is only a material posession, something that can be replaced. Your feelings cannot be replaced, but they can be mended. You can heal, just take the steps you feel that you need. We are all so very different that it is hard to say what would work for another, but experiment and see! I am not a bitter revengeful person, nor am I a saint! I could visualize my bed burning on the back lawn if it was contaminated!! Heck, I gave away thousands of dollars of posessions when I found she had used them on a vacation. I wanted to do it, I needed to do it, and now it is gone. It feels so good!!!!!!!!!! It feels light! For me it was right. I was cleansing for me. You can do this without it being a big LB too. Taj, why the resentment? It is gone, in the past. We have to look forward and search for the things that make us heal! Be glad you sold the stuff instead of burning it all! Some can forgive, look to other places to help them heal. They never feel the need to do anything drastic, which is wonderful. I applaud their courage.

Hi WS -Good to see that name - I have missed you!!!!What a great thread!!! Had to comment on Peppermint's letter Idea......Peppermint - thank you so much for sharing that.....what a fantastic idea!! It eliminates the having to say it and yet gets across your feelings!!!!I am not in recovery - but if I were to ever get there by some miracle.....this would be an excellent tool to have!!!HUGS,Sheba

thanks peppermint. Great ideas in the letter. Personally I think lots of us forget to do #5 and #6 parts while in recovery. It is so important to remember to share the positive as well as the negative. Pretty soon is becomes so natural to leave out the pain, and move forward. Did we lose ws?!

Sorry I seemed to have deserted you all! I'm so very glad that this thread helped some of you. I meant it as a message that it is safe to vent, to express your feelings, to admit that there is still pain. If you try to ignore that pain you can't make it go away.Barrie Your doubts are normal. They do fade. Slowly. Sometimes too slowly for our liking. And sometimes they come back with a vengeance just when everything starts looking better. Part of the process. Don't worry about what anyone says. They haven't walked in your shoes. As far as going places that have triggers...I agree with cl. Don't push it too fast but you can take those places back. I now go regularily to the lounge of the hotel where the bimbo stayed. It is my place now. I know that she felt uncomfortable there. So did my H. The word he used was "scuzzy" when I asked him what it felt like to be in a hotel with another woman. I own that place. There are still places that i cannot reclaim. I found out just last week that I have to go to Bimboland for my son's hockey. That is the real scene of the crime and it's going to be a real challenge!!!Simply J Your feelings are normal too. I can honestly say that the raw Hate for the OP can fade. I have hated the bimbo for years. The rawness is gone now. Still a lot of work left. Your spouse is remorseful? That makes the difference. If the bimbo had one ounce of remorse I would be able to see her as a human being. Love was Blind Go with him. Tell him you don't want to be alone. They are a little dense sometimes!!! Try peppermint's idea. I'm going to.Sally Tell us more. You are quite a lady to be able to forgive the OW. My H is afraid I would end up in jail if we were to meet face to face. Afraid that all 120lbs of me is going to cause too much damage.cl My poster girl for strength!!!!! Keep talking! do you know that your strength is contagious. You see everyone - this is one of the people who can teach us a lot!taj You will be my hero for the day! I don't know how long it takes to get rid of the contamination. I like your style though. I have had so many bonfires I'm not sure why the fire department hasn't called. My favorite thing was using the shirt the bimbo made for H to clean the cat's litter box. Tore it to little ieces so that I could make it last. one piece each day for weeks. picking up the doodoo and giving her my own private speech each time. Sometimes that kind of thing works wonders. Better than just getting rid of it.Peppermint I love the letter. I will try it. Thank you for sharing. I'm going to see if I can find the book too. Is the rest of it as good?Sheba For some reason I think that you recover as you go along. You are a very special kind of person. Some day your H will see that. I think maybe he already does but maybe doesn't think he deserves you.

To Wasstuborn and the rest Would you say that it was therapeutic to "take those places back?" I'm very big on empowerment decisions. Was it a big part of getting on with things?

Hey all! I thought I better jump on a recovery thread while I seem to be in it. I'm having a lot of trouble with the residue of the 6 separations--the second of which came Dec. 30 (but I WILL not note these hideous anniversaries!!!!! Starting immediately after this post of course [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

).I just keep telling myself that everyday is a new day, it isn't last year, it isn't a future painful tomorrow, it is just today, and all I really can count on.Barrie, my H has a horror of taking the places/events back. He wants to forget. He compares talking about the affair events to picking at a scab. I think the Principle of Joint Agreement applies here. Watch out for the infamous lovebuster Selfish Demands. I find it really hard not to demand things as I have been the one so hurt. I have to remember, we're both walking wounded.Anyway, that's my 2 cents as someone who has had so many reconciliations with my H go wrong. There's a line to walk in each relationship...either I can't find ours, or he isn't walking with me.------------------ Lor "Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

Lor I always love your 2 cents worth. You have come so far. Do you realize that? sometimes all this crap turns into a muddle and you aren't sure which way you're going. I'm so glad you are plotting your own course forward. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I think that "taking back" the places has to be a personal choice. You have to be ready to do it. for me it was very therapeutic. I have been to the lounge in that hotel countless times. When I first discovered they had been there, I cried every time I went past it. Now it belongs to me and she doesn't belong there!!!! Going there for a drink with my H was hard the first time. But I told myself that he could go there without shame. I tought how nice it must be for him to be there with his wife. I have gone there by myself and got rid of more ghosts. I have plans for my trip to Bimboville. I'm considering facing some things head on. Maybe make her aware of my courage and make her a little uncomfortable. Perhaps go to their bar and have the waiter take her a drink saying this is from the wife. I think I could enjoy that. But I know what kind of person she is and I can pretty much predict her reation. Not something I would do if I wasn't prepared. The nooner? If you think you can do it go for it. I've thought about it. I would ask H how he felt. Like Lor says the Policy of Joint agreement is important. Make sure it wouldn't make H uncomfortable. I think it would be too much for my H. Not too much for me. As the very wise Almost Happy says "Why would we want to make them think of that time?" Some things we have to deal with on our own. Maybe you could get rid of the ghosts by yourself? Rent the room for yourself, invite H but if it's too much for him, have a pamper yourself party? Munchies, a movie, a good night's sleep.... Just some ideas.[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited December 13, 1999).]

I know I'm going to feel so much better when I'm there again. One more trip after that and then we wont' be apart any more. We've been living apart for work and school but I've decided enough is enough and I've resigned my position to go home. When I'm with him, I have so much hope and promise and there's all this laughter and love. When I've had to be away, then I have all my doubts and worries. He says he wishes he could come here, because the place where I've been living isn't "tainted", but we can't do that. But we are moving to a different apartment, so it will just be ours and she won't be able to find us. He wants to reclaim the places they visited together (she was originally just a "friend" who was showing him around an unfamiliar city) and make them ours. We tried to go to one place but then I got so nauseated he had to turn the car around. But like I said, I have high hopes. We've decided to leave town for the holidays and we're going some place where the two of us have never been before; I can't wait!!

POLICY of Joint Agreement. Duh. I can't find my SAA book. I suppose I could have looked the correct term up on the site, Principle didn't sound right, but it does start with P. Silly me.

hi everybody. My h told me he never stopped loving me- even when he was trying to figure everything out. There have been times when I wondered how much of his actions were out of quilt, remorse, or selfishness. My h would try to tell me all the good things he had been doing to stop the EA after the sexual contact was over...but that only made me feel like he wasn't dealing with his own issues that got him with the OW in the first place. It wasn't until I had the counselor approach the "Why's" that my h was able to realize it wasn't just me that was insecure and unhappy. I had been trying to identify the "emotional needs" on my own (without Dr. Harley's questionaire) and found I was unable to classify all the things I had written down. When I did come across this questionaire-it really helped both of us put our past history into better light. I know my h also felt that once he had "spilled the beans" I should have been ecstatic that he was truthful and start trusting him again. H was truely in a defense mode- protecting his own feelings from himself. At one point he made a few really negative statements about past good experiences we had had. I stood up to him- didn't cry or get hysterical and it let him know how strong I really am. But, it did make me feel like we might not make it- due to his immaturity. I just keep telling myself- I do understand where he is coming from- I did get married for better or worse and I do love him. (I also was one of those people who told myself I'd never put up with a cheating spouse. It did make me question myself at that point) And, I truely believe that marriage is work and I don't mind learning a few lessons along the way.Now, I still do get mad and resentful at times. That's why I'm here...to lesson my pain in some way. Hoping that day will come when I don't wake up in the morning with that awful feeling......Thank God I'm not PMSing- or I'd be terrible every 3 weeks. There are really good herbs out there for PMS- try them- they work!

Didn't read down far enough to see the making their old stomping grounds- rounds. I did some of that on my own. My h also took me to see some places with him. It was good for both of us. I just wish the OW knew he was doing that. I think it'd help her withdrawal phase.I've done all I can to restrain myself from calling her and letting her know. What she thought was special to them- wasn't to my husband and now are our special things/places and conversations. I would get rid of the bed, couch, carpeting and what ever else... The only thing is...it's hard to listen to the radio now.

Sad2 That day will come. You're doing the right things and your attitude is great. Just don't expect too much of yourself. Take care of yourself.

Sad2: I just read your profile. I found out about a month ago and she was also a very temporary thing for him. He never told her he loved her either--she admitted that to me. Didn't stop her from trying to hang on to him, though. Now she says she's pg, but we don't really believe her. Ups and downs. give it time. I'm still iffy on the "stomping grounds" thing, but everyone here has really empowered me to give it a shot!! That was MY town anyway, to begin with--I was born there. Why should I let her have any power over me? The answer is, I WON'T!!

Barrie If it's only been a month for you don't expect too much of yourself. Remember to be kind to you. If you have the strength and want to do it go for it. If you find you can't don't be ashamed. There are things that you need to be ready for. Take care of yourself first. All things come with time. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

The letter was incredibly helpful to me, and I believe it is worth a try for anyone in this type of situation. If anyone tries it, please let me know if it helped your situation. If it does, let's spread the word!

Peppermint - Like you, my H and I are in recovery from his affair. I'm the one suffering though. Like your H, my H wants me to "just get over it" and not mention it to him again. It eats at me all the time because I don't feel like anything is settled. My husband also apologized for hurting me and admitted that what he did was wrong, but has never asked me to to forgive him (I have) nor does he show any remorse. I wrote my husband a similar letter about 2 weeks ago and gave it to him (see my post "I gave my husband this letter" for details). The reason I gave him the letter was because I couldn't find an appropriate time to talk to him about my feelings. He did not react to the letter. When I asked him if he read it he said he did and "that was nice honey". That's all. But, he does have it on the dash of his truck so at least he sees it everyday as a reminder to him of my feelings. He has never been able to talk about his inner feelings so I doubt that I will ever know what he feels about what he did to me. I totally agree with your statment that "the pain of being betrayed by the person that you love most in the world cannot be described". I cannot put into words the agony and suffering his affair has caused me. It's with me every day. The worst part is that I can't talk to him about it, and my best friend is sick of hearing about how its made me feel. All I can do is pray that the Lord will heal my pain.

Thanks, everyone! I told H last night that I wanted to go some of the places where they spent time together (we tried once but I got so nauseated that he had to turn the car around). He was ecstatic and very excited. I just told him, I've been giving OW too much power over me--she doesn't deserve it! Of course, she's still hangin' in there (see my thread on "stalking/fatal attraction")

To Everyone in recovery,Just wanted some ideas on claiming the territory back, especially today. This is the anniversary of the death of my 30 year marriage and the beginning of truth and reality. It is a reminder every 14th of the month but especially today. Give me some ideas how to exorcise the evil out of this day. Sounds funny I suppose but the devil always reminds me of the bad things. We are in recovery and for that I am thankful but I want to take back the ground of this day!!!Ideas anyone?------------------ love is blind

PAMPER YOURSELF. Is there anything you always wanted to do but didn't because it would inconvenience him or he'd rather you didn't? Call a good friend who's really upbeat (sometimes even our closest friends can be downers) and positive and spend the evening with her/him. See a movie with her, something really positive or funny, or go to an outrageously expensive restaurant and have your favorite meal. Just my advice. I'm a southern gal, and we tend to spend money when we need to feel better [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I need some help! I posted under a different thread (stalking/fatal attraction) The OW is displaying stalking behavior. My H is in a panic; has this ever happened to any of you? What do you do? How do you make it stop? The law say we can't do anything unless she threatens us physically; right now she's just harassing us. Am I in danger? Is he?

Thanks for the comments WS and Barrie. I find when I'm sick, my mind wanders on the negative. That's when I really need to take better care of myself.Barrie, your situation with the OW does sound tough. But on the other hand, your H gets to see what a true jerk the OW is with how she's acting now. Your H can't feel guilty or responsible for her actions now. If OW actions get worse, I would suggest tape recording her threats. Can a restraining order be placed on her? My h's OW has attempted past communications with him. I told my h that should OW do so again, I get to respond to her. My statements won't be as politically correct as h's always are. dinner time.

I'm so glad to see a Post like this. At least I know that I am not the only one feeling this way.My H & I are 9-1/2 months into recovery. His affair was brief, but still so devastating. The OW is still in withdrawal and just 2-1/2 weeks ago, attempted to try and befriend him again (by sending him jokes via e-mail). Thank goodness I found it because I was able to nip that in the bud.I will never forgive my H for what he did to me. All I can do is just deal/cope with it. I will never forgive the OW either. She still wants my H and it sickens me that she doesn't give a rat's a$$ if she invades my family or not.I still have a hard time with the triggers and all the memories. I keep thinking, "After all these years, I didn't even know my H. I had no idea he could do something so despicable and cruel. I'm so stupid for being so blind and trusting."I used to pride myself thinking that my H would never be interested or look at anyone else. Boy, what an idiot I was! Now the trust is gone. I never knew my H could be such a liar and a cheat. Now, I never know when he is telling me the truth or not.He is doing whatever possible to compensate for his betrayal, but still it is so hard. It doesn't help when the OW pops back into our lives (out of the blue)...after a 9 month absence! Talk about pathetic.I'm working very hard at trying to rebuild our marriage. But, sometimes I feel stupid for letting him step all over me like he did. A lot of times, I ask myself..."Why am I still here when he did those awful things to me? Why do I want to be with someone who has hurt me so much?" I used to be one of those people that would say, "If he ever cheated on me...I would leave him in a heartbeat!" Boy! I can eat my words now! I never thought that I would be here trying to work on our marriage. Sometimes, it makes me feel like a CHUMP!I spoke w/Dr.Harley on his radio show on Monday. He told me that I need to think of all the positive things that my H is doing...rather than focus on the negative things. He says that we have come a long way and will make it.I believe there is a chance that we will make it. Problem is...I have to live with these ugly memories FOREVER!Thanks for letting me vent...

I would like to first thank everyone that has responded to this post. It is very enlightening to know that I'm not alone when it comes to the pain caused by infidelity.Peppermint: My H wants me to 'get over it' too. I have tried to write him letters regarding my feelings and pain, but he uses that against me when we have a disagreement. He calls me 'weak' and 'a little girl'. I just can't seem to get him to understand my hurt. At the same time H gives me more reasons NOT to trust him. He acts as if nothing even happened. I too have gone to counseling, taken anti-depressants, and nothing seems to help. My nights are filled with anxiety attacks and headaches. My girlfriend is trying her very best with me, but sometimes I leave her at a loss for words. Right now, I can't decide whether or not to fight for my marriage or get out. H is sending mixed signals.Any suggestions will be helpful. Please keep posting. Thank you all! ------------------

Hey all of you,Just like me to be the last on a long thread, but I couldn't let this one go. I too, feel that I shouldn't complain compared to some of the MB "sad" cases. My H and I have been in recovery since I moved back home after initially leaving him. Dr. Harley's theories have been our saving grace but there are times:1. Everyday driving home from work I think of the sordid details of H touching OW (where, when and how). I get choked up, cry and then I have trouble looking him in the eye as I enter our house. I call these the 4:00 blues.2. The shower is another place that the pain tends to hit me. Why oh why oh why oh why did he have to have an affair of all things!3. Trust...Ha ha ha. I still check his e-mail, work bag, car, etc. 4. I am suppose to meet his unmet "emotional needs" BUT...I, am truely the needy one.5. First bout of depression ... and I'm very pregnant. No Anti-depressants for me.This stuff (infidelity, that is) shouldn't happen. Not so easily and boy it was easy for him. when I found out about his affair. I hated our home (dream home-work hard and sacrafice) I needed to get away from it as much as him. I love my home once again, maybe someday soon I will love him like I once did.

Wafflestoo,Saw your post and needed to reply. How in the world we could have the shower in common I do not know. Every time I climb in the shower I am bombarded by thoughts of the OW and all the crap I inherited from her inability to find a man of her own. What is it with the shower??????? Have asked some close friends that question and they feel it is the solitude that allows the mind to wander. How do you take back the shower as your very own place?Sometimes I think us betrayed have way too much in common and not just our pain!