For Zip - Marriage Builders® Forums

Zip,Well gosh, I don't know if I can help much seeing as I do seem to be in the same place as your W, having a hard time getting my feelings of love to resurface. But notice I say resurface....I'm sure they're there somewhere. Not sure exactly what the history is with you & your W, let me be brief about mine The gist of it is that I, for many years have felt like we were missing something, that I am not a priority in his life. I tried talking, to see what I could do for him that would result in him wanting to spend more quality time together. He says everything's fine. So I try to explain how I was feeling, I'd think he understood, things would seem to get better, then they fall back to where they were. 3 things have brought me to this breaking point- something I did, something H did, something H said 1) I let myself become emotionally involved with OM. Not on purpose, but happened never the less. 2) Took H 5 months to get me a b-day present. His excuse was that birthdays aren't a big deal to him. After 9 yrs he should know how I feel about them. Wasn't looking for diamonds & rubies, just something to say he cares. 3) In an argument a couple months ago he said I've been complaining about the same thing for 5 or 6 yrs. Well what the heck am I doing wrong?? Why am I still not happy? Anyway, I start counseling tonight. Alone. Obviously I need help in finding a way to get through to him, or need to be told I'm nuts,that I want something unrealistic. Bless you Zip for at least trying to understand what your W is going through. It's heartbreaking and confusing and I feel for both of you. Now I am feeling detached and my husbands little efforts aren't having much of an effect, but I appreciate them anyway. He asked me to go for a walk last night. He made an effort to talk with the TV off. He cooked dinner without me asking. The other things I'm looking for are for him to show he wants to spend time with me, that he thinks of me. Recreational companionship is my biggest need, even if it's just walking, fishing, bowling, whatever. I see him take time off to spend with friends, already planning to golf on his days off when he starts teaching. But get him off his butt in front of the TV to go to dinner or something? That's a major accomplishment. Affection is a big need too. A card, an e-mail, something little to show that he thinks about me. We did the emotional needs questionnaire, that was a little helpful He read mine nodded but didn't get it. . He tends to keep saying that I'm the one with the problem, he's fine. His was brief, but at least he did it. We don't talk about EA, as I don't think the OM is the real issue. H would rather forgive, forget, move on. I don't have an on/off switch though. I am still hurting and confused about why my H seems not to care. I don't know what needs are most important to your W, do you? I believe that the way I'm feeling is a defense mechanism...I've suddenly got this wall up to protect me from being let down again. I'm just trying to spend as much time with H as possible, hoping that eventually things will start clearing up. Let me know if anything in particular you do for your W works, and I'll let you know if H has any good ideas too. I'll let you know if the counselor has any suggestions also. I don't always check on a daily basis (especially with the holidays and mother-in-law visit approaching) but feel free to e-mail me if you want. Mschif4444@aol.com Hang in there!