<BR>Zip,<P>Well gosh, I don't know if I can help much seeing as I do seem to be in the<BR>same place as your W, having a hard time getting my feelings of love to<BR>resurface. But notice I say resurface....I'm sure they're there somewhere.<BR>Not sure exactly what the history is with you & your W, let me be brief<BR>about mine<BR>The gist of it is that I, for many years have felt like we were<BR>missing something, that I am not a priority in his life. I tried talking, to<BR>see what I could do for him that would result in him wanting to spend more quality time together.<BR>He says everything's fine. So I try to explain how I was feeling, I'd think<BR>he understood, things would seem to get better, then they fall back to where<BR>they were. 3 things have brought me to this breaking point- something I did,<BR>something H did, something H said<BR>1) I let myself become emotionally involved with OM. Not on purpose,<BR>but happened never the less. <BR>2) Took H 5 months to get me a b-day present. His excuse was that<BR>birthdays aren't a big deal to him. After 9 yrs he should know how I feel<BR>about them. Wasn't looking for diamonds & rubies, just something to say he<BR>cares.<BR>3) In an argument a couple months ago he said I've been complaining<BR>about the same thing for 5 or 6 yrs. Well what the heck am I doing wrong??<BR>Why am I still not happy?<BR>Anyway, I start counseling tonight. Alone. Obviously I need help in finding<BR>a way to get through to him, or need to be told I'm nuts,that I want something unrealistic. Bless you Zip for at least trying to understand what<BR>your W is going through. It's heartbreaking and confusing and I feel for<BR>both of you.<BR>Now I am feeling detached and my husbands little efforts aren't having much<BR>of an effect, but I appreciate them anyway. He asked me to go for a walk<BR>last night. He made an effort to talk with the TV off. He cooked dinner<BR>without me asking.<BR>The other things I'm looking for are for him to show he wants to spend time<BR>with me, that he thinks of me. Recreational companionship is my biggest<BR>need, even if it's just walking, fishing, bowling, whatever. I see him take<BR>time off to spend with friends, already planning to golf on his days off<BR>when he starts teaching. But get him off his butt in front of the TV to go<BR>to dinner or something? That's a major accomplishment.<BR>Affection is a big need too. A card, an e-mail, something little to show<BR>that he thinks about me. We did the emotional needs questionnaire, that was<BR>a little helpful He read mine nodded but didn't get it. . He tends to keep<BR>saying that I'm the one with the problem, he's fine. His was brief, but at<BR>least he did it. We don't talk about EA, as I don't think the OM is the real issue. H would rather forgive, forget, move on. I don't have an<BR>on/off switch though. I am still hurting and confused about why my H seems<BR>not to care.<BR>I don't know what needs are most important to your W, do you? I believe that<BR>the way I'm feeling is a defense mechanism...I've suddenly got this wall up<BR>to protect me from being let down again. I'm just trying to spend as much<BR>time with H as possible, hoping that eventually things will start clearing<BR>up. Let me know if anything in particular you do for your W works, and I'll<BR>let you know if H has any good ideas too. I'll let you know if the counselor<BR>has any suggestions also. I don't always check on a daily basis (especially<BR>with the holidays and mother-in-law visit approaching) but feel free to<BR>e-mail me if you want. Mschif4444@aol.com<BR>Hang in there!<BR>
