Advice needed on how Betrayer can tell H of affair?

( This is a question I have found I need to ask after receiving advice from F A's post, "Female Betrayers I need help..." ) A personal thanks to F A for the help I received from his post. Thank you so much everyone for your advice! I am more scared than ever and I know I have to tell him. However, I think it might be best for me to wait until after the holidays. I certainly don't want my 5 children being traumatized with any unbearable circumstances that may arise. And I do expect some. I can't say for sure if it will be physical or not, since he has only physically hurt me one time in our 16 years together. It did however, allow me to see the frustration and helplessness he was feeling due to my withdrawl from him. Please allow me to give you some background... I went out with some girlfriends and came home plastered. (First time I had been out with girlfriends alone in our entire marriage!) I hadn't been with another man but he thought I had. Unfortunately, my children had to hear everything that was happening to me as they screamed and cried and pleaded with him to stop.... I lay on the floor.... clothes torn, soaking wet from being dragged down the stairs and thrown into a cold shower face first on the floor, hyperventilating, while he was by their doors calmly telling them, "Everything is ok. Go to sleep now, your moms ok," and then coming back to me and proceeding to "Check" me to see if I had had sex. Humiliating! And I too weak to fight back. The next morning, after seeing my black and blue body... He cried and cried and begged my forgiveness. He has never touched me in anger again! I think it hurt him more than me. (By the way, it was Easter morning in 1998 and my 12 year old son woke me up (I slept on the couch, needless to say) and said, "Mom, let me hide the eggs and baskets for you..." ARGH!!! I was just SICK! It was then that I vented to the OM and It was 6 months later, that I began the physicl affair with OM. So, in the meantime, I will set a goal to tell H AFTER CHRISTMAS. Just in case any thing goes wrong because I can't stand the thought of another holiday being destroyed for my children. Any ideas on how to break the bad news? Can anyone make a suggestion based upon their own experiences on how your spouses confession could have made things easier to absorb? I am thinking perhaps it might be best for us to start counceling and having a councelor present and helping me to know when he is prepared enought to handle the confession. Oh boy.... Any advice is welcome.......I am going to pose this as a New Post and see if any others who haven't been keeping up on this thread may have suggestions.... Thanks again to all of you here... F A, SamH, NewMan, Just Learning, Zip... and any I may have missed, Your imput has been extremely helpful....

Sorry, I may be the odd one out here, but I say don't tell. Tell him you need to work on your marriage, that you have serious problems. If you do tell, DO NOT give details. My counselor says you should not go into all this. This is just more for them to have to deal with and get over.Good luck, but with your husband (that display of temper) I would never tell.

Lacee - Yes - definitely start counseling and get help and input on this. Do not confess to your H while you are alone with him and have a plan of action in place for a safe place for you to get to if he somehow discovers beforehand and confronts you.You may think this is overreacting but I feel it is just being safe and cautious. Your Easter story is chilling. I know you love your H and he loves you as well - but this is definitely controlling behavior taken to the extreme. Do be careful, but at the same time, congratulations on your decision to be honest and really confront the issues in your marriage.Hugs, Starpony

Why do you have to tell him at all? IMHO confessing is only to make YOU feel better and ease YOUR conscience... This will not help your marriage in any way and it is an incredibly selfish act which will only be hurtful to your husband. There are times in life where we just have to live with what we've done and keep it to ourselves. This is one of those instances. Don't confess. Live with what you've done, learn from it, and move on...Work on your marriage instead now that you realise it needs work!------------------ ~~ Elixir ~~

Lacee,I would have said tell him by yourselves before I read the details of your history. I say talk to a counseler first and then put a plan of action in place to tell him with someone present.My wife told me about her EA and I already know about her feelings for OM. I took it pertty good and tried to understand her feelings. We just have not been able to turn the corner. You need to tell him but you need to protect yourself first. You sound like someone that is really struggling. I give you a ton of credit for spending time on this site. It sounds like you really want your marriage to work.

Lacee,You will need to tell your H. I can suggest several options. 1) Do it in the presence of a counselor (as suggested earlier) 2) Talk with a minister if you have one you have confidence in and knows your H (he will need help dealing with this) 3) Talk to Harley for advice on how to do this. I would also point you to a series of threads by "Francis" on the Why Women Leave Men" section of this board.Her situation was somewhat different from yours, but she did not want to tell her H. However what she found was that as she tried to make things right with H the guilt began to eat her soul. Her counselor offered a strategy for breaking the news to him. THings are working out very well.I would strongly suggest that you go and find all of her posts and read them in order. You will be both impressed with her, her counselor, and her H. You will I think get some very good ideas about possible strategies.This is going to hurt H alot. With the single episode of violance, prudence seems warrented. Can you honestly tell him that you love him? If you can then this will help. He will not have must trust, so what you can, will, and have told him had better be very honest. Please consider your options; you have many. Please go read Francis's posts, and then perhaps you can get even more input from the board or Francis.I look forward to hearing from you soon.God Bless You and Your FamilyJL

No, she DOESN'T need to tell her husband. What she needs to do is work on her marriage. Confessing will only hurt her husband and her marriage. It will set things back, not help move things forward.Even Dr. Harley says that confession is not always necessary or good. I recommend you take his advice and keep the EMR to yourself...

I'm telling you DON'T TELL HIM. Talk to Hummingbird.

He must think that something is going on and has not just brought it up. You can't work on your marriage and not be honest about things. You need to tell him. The question is what is the right time and how to tell him.

lacee, i agree with susan and elixir. you may have made a mistake. learn from it and move on. leave the information behind. it's history. you can put it in the back of your mind and take it to your grave. there is not reason to feel guilty for having strayed. everyone makes mistakes, get over it. do it now, you will one day, why not now. confessing is nothing more that handing responsiblity for the deed to someone else in an effort to lighten ones' load. think of the millions of people who've done this that have gone before us. what's the difference none? what he doesn't know won't hurt him. knowing of your affair will hurt like hell and will not undo what's been done. if you're religious, ask your higher power to forgive you and go on and enjoy your life knowing you are a smarter, more enlightened person.

”Talk to Hummingbird” is actually good advice... she has made incredible progress towards healing her marriage. She is also living a lie some here are urging you to perpetuate. That lie will eventually destroy her marriage, even though she doesn’t realize it yet. Don’t go down that path of destruction. Lies such as she is living with her H are part of the affair, not a part of a healthy, recovering relationship. Your marriage will never fully recover with that lie between you; it will eventually eat you alive. Your marriage can only fully recover if you are honest. Definitely get together with your counselor and figure out when and where is the best way to tell him. And if your counselor advises you to keep it a secret... get a new counselor.I will tell you something frightening... that honesty sure will set you back quite a ways; it happened to me. But you have to be facing in the right direction before you can begin the journey of recovery, and perpetuating the lie will set you down the wrong path. Without being on the right path, the lie will always be a roadblock that will prevent you from finding TRUE happiness with your H. That roadblock will only get bigger and bigger, and you’ll never be able to get around it. When you finally DO tell him, all your progress and more will be obliterated. You might not be able to find the right path at all at that point, because the perpetuation of the lies will have led you the wrong way for so long.Besides... if frankie thinks it’s a good idea to keep quiet, that’s the best advice you’ll ever see to tell the truth.K... where are ya??? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited December 17, 1999).]

Lacee,No, I haven't told my husband. It's been very difficult on me, mostly everyone here thinks I should.It has been 4 months since my affair ended. I am in counseling and I've gone through alot. I feel I'm come along way in my depression and I feel my marriage is starting to heal.Whodat:I understand how you feel about my situation. You say:"the lie will always be a roadblock that will prevent you from finding TRUE happiness with your H. That roadblock will only get bigger and bigger, and when you finally DO tell him, all your progress and more will be obliterated."I guess I feel that since I was the one that made the biggest mistake of my life, how will telling him do any good? I've paid, believe me for what I've done. Yes, the guilt is overwhelming at times, but will telling him relieve that guilt? I know that it's a lie I'll always have between us, but if he knows about the affair, I know him, he won't forgive, he'll always mention it, never trust me again and that will always be between us.I feel progress between us. What if I tell him and he leaves me. I don't want to lose him. Maybe your thinking I don't deserve him, it's taken me a long time through the initial of withdrawal, when I didn't even want my husband, now I feel that I have a chance to rebuild my marriage and I don't want to lose that.I know you feel that telling my husband is the key in the formula to success in my marriage, but couldn't my marriage succeed without telling him?

Well, I just got home from shopping a bit and am extremely surprised by the number of responses that I have gotten from this post. Thanks to everyone for your input! I'm a lot concered that when I do tell H that he will assume that everything I have been doing with and for him over the last few months will have all been a farce. I have made great improvements in our marriage and my focusing on him. I do love him and want us to have back what we had for so many years before this mess. This last weekend on a little get away I planned for his birthday, He told me for the first time in years, how impressed he was with me... the way I handle myself around others... the respect I get in running my own business... How impressed he was with the way I made sure to introduce him to all those I knew when we were there. It shows me that he is starting to see me as an individual as well as a wife and mother. These were things I was lacking in the marriage before. I was thinking... if I suggested counceling to him at this point and time, don't you think his reaction would be "Why?" After all, he has been seeing the affection and feeling the love that I have been showing him and just beginning to feel comfortable in our relationship. He told me he was falling in love with me again. Can you see my fear in telling him? To throw away the progress already made will be a very hard thing to do. I know that most of you feel the right thing is to tell him, but how? And after building things up with him won't it make him even more upset? If I had found this site 3 months ago, maybe he would have known by now.. I don't know. Maybe I should go alone to counceling without him knowing? Suggestions? Also, as far as his reaction to my having an affair, YES, I am a little worried about what might happen physically. There have been times when I have started falling asleep and he is laying next to me and I will hear him whisper, "If I ever find out you have been with another man.." well, you know the rest. But this hasn't happened now in months... Sigh....I am very confused... It seems I have a lot of reading to do. Thanks for your blessings.. I appreciate them more than you know....Hummingbird, I feel that I can relate to your situation very much... do you think that you will ever tell him? I always thought before I found this site, that I would go to my grave keeping the secret. I am so scared....[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 17, 1999).]

Lacee:I'd suggest that you call Dr. Harley on his radio show at 888-332-5169 (2-3 pm CST) and get his advice directly. I'll contradict Elixir and say that there's never been an instance that I can recall where Dr. Harley says to not be honest. Not one.Having said that, your husband has exhibited some pretty severe violence with that drinking episode. So don't run and tell him without having a very careful plan---you don't need to be hurt. I would talk to Dr. Harley (or his son Steve---who can be reached at 888-639-1639) to get a plan that will keep you safe, and give your marriage it's best shot for recovering.I will agree with WhoDat---you can make progress in a marriage without telling the truth about an affair, but it's always going to be an issue that haunts you and will prevent recovery. Let's say that you become the perfect wife---but in 5 or 10 years this affair comes out (and you'd be surprised how often that happens). It will be even more devestating that bringing it out now. I'm all for truth in a marriage. Complete truth. Anything less is just that---less than a marriage.Talk to Dr. H or Steve. They'll be your most help.

(new_beginning getting ready for a stoning...)Your H is abusive. The incident that you described is dangerous and would make me think about ever telling him.You would be foolish to tell him without being in a safe place and in the presense of a mediator... That said, I have been an advocate of TOTAL HONESTY (ala Harley) since I came here, and let me tell you what it's gotten me. Yes, it eased my conscience, and yes, I could begin healing, but I, in essense, killed my H, sure as if I'd pulled the trigger. No matter which way you choose to go - BE SMART, for your children and for yourself!~Sheryl

Thank you so much for your honesty. It is sometimes hard to say what you really think when others so much disagree. I am very touched and have so much to think about. I will be checking back in a while but for now, I have some thinking to do.

I say you need to tell. In light of his violent behavior in the past, you need to do this the presence of a counselor and have considered plans for separation if he will likely be violent. In any case you need counseling to work through this. Here is what Dr. Harley says about Honesty, one of his four rules for a successful marriage. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html</A>

Hiya Hummingbird... I was gonna reply to your “Letter to the OM,” but I’ve been trying to avoid posting so much. All these fears you post are shared by Lacee, I presume, since it seems things are so similar between you. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> I guess I feel that since I was the one that made the biggest mistake of my life, how will telling him do any good?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> It puts everything on the table, and enables you to both work on the marriage, without that Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Also, trying to “protect” him from the truth is extremely disrespectful.I just see the continued lying as perpetuating the worst aspect of the affair itself. Affairs are about lies, not about love. That lie began in order to have the affair, and it continues afterwards. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> I've paid, believe me for what I've done. Yes, the guilt is overwhelming at times, but will telling him relieve that guilt?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Nope; it’ll actually make you feel much worse, at least initially. Hurting someone like that is the worst feeling in the world. But it’s also a weight lifted off your shoulders, and with that weight gone, you CAN have a marriage that is truly, amazingly better than you ever imagined. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> I know that it's a lie I'll always have between us, but if he knows about the affair, I know him, he won't forgive, he'll always mention it, never trust me again and that will always be between us. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>But he shouldn’t trust you! The old saying is “trust has to be earned,” and you earn trust by being honest, not by continuing to deceive. If he can’t see the progress, and can’t forgive, then maybe he doesn’t deserve you, who are working so hard. My W never mentioned my affair at all, even though I wish she had. I feel it’s something we still need to work on, but I won’t presume to tell her how to deal. Also, you may strongly suspect how he will react, but you can’t possibly know. Again, presumptuous and disrespectful. No one knows how they will react to a given situation until they are in it. Both my W and myself knew... absolutely knew that I was the last person on the planet who would ever have an affair... yet here I am. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>I feel progress between us. What if I tell him and he leaves me. I don't want to lose him. Maybe your thinking I don't deserve him, it's taken me a long time through the initial of withdrawal, when I didn't even want my husband, now I feel that I have a chance to rebuild my marriage and I don't want to lose that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It could happen; I certainly wouldn’t presume to tell you that it couldn't. Look at what happened to TheStudent here, after SHE was honest. She even now says she wouldn’t tell him, were she to go back and change things. I feel the inability to work on things is very much her husband’s shortcoming (as it would be in your situation) and not hers.I certainly don’t think you don’t deserve him; I’m painfully aware of the insanity the fantasy of the affair produces.All I know is with a six month exception 2 years ago, I have NEVER lied to my wife. I had to get back to that. She was much more hurt over the lies than the affair itself. She found out, not through my telling her from a sense of duty, but from me leaving something on my computer like a bonehead. Sure, I could have lied, and covered it up, but at that point telling the truth was almost a relief. Actually, it WAS a relief. I had lied to her for six months, since she had previously found a couple emails between myself and the OW. I lied about the email, and when my W found “evidence” six months later, it was worse... because of the lies. I don’t think we could have rebuilt had I lied to her the second time, even though the affair was over by that time.I just count my lucky stars that she found it in her heart to work on things after finding out the second time. I don’t know if I could have done that, and I hope I never have to find out. By being honest with each other, talking when something is out of kilter, and attempting to meet each other’s needs, I hope we never even come close to that situation again. We now possess the tools, built upon the cornerstone of HONESTY rather than deceit, to continue making this marriage better.And it is. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> I know you feel that telling my husband is the key in the formula to success in my marriage, but couldn't my marriage succeed without telling him? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sure it can, but I myself don’t believe it can thrive. You can’t get honest reactions out of your relationship unless you are HONEST.Lacee:BTW... I fully agree with everyone who has said if you DO tell him(and I hope you do) to do it in a safe place such as with a counselor. You need to do it in a manner that lets him know you LOVE him and want to work together on your marriage, but of course, you have to be in one piece to be able to do that. And if you think he might truly hurt you, I’d be asking myself if I really wanted to be with someone like that, to tell the truth. ------------------ Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited December 17, 1999).]

Here's another discussion about the topic of honesty in marriage and recovery from infidelity. **edit**

You need a plan in place when you tell him. A pastor or Counselor. I am glad you have decided to tell him. It is the right thing. Everything I have read states you should tell him and tell him EVERYTHING. By telling him everything, it will help you feel better but also will help him. What hurt me the most was not the affair but the lies. By coming out with everything, you will be showing that you are tired of the lies and that you are not keeping any other secrets from him and truly want to be forgiven. When I found out, my wife told me everything because I want to know it all. If she would have not told me everything, then I would have felt she had other secrets/lies she was concealing from me and this would never have let me trust my wife again...... By coming clean it will also help shut the door on the OM. If you were not going to tell H, then you would always be tempted to see the OM again because it would still be the BIG SECRET. (That is what I like to call it). I know it is not easy but I respect you for doing the right thing.....------------------

Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am deciding to stick with my decision of telling H after the Holidays. I will try to get into someone for counceling. In the meantime, I will be hanging around here looking for support and new ideas. I still haven't gotten any advise or answers as to HOW TO TELL HIM. Do I just say it right out? I can just hear it now.... "I had an affair that lasted for 14 months." "Yes, I love him." "What's that? You want to know every detail?" "No there was nothing wrong with your and my sex life, we had a great sex life, that is not why I turned to him." "Why? Because he listned to me, made me feel special, didn't criticize me." "Where?" "When?" "How many times?" Oh my God!!! I am going to get hit with some ugly questions and that is probably not the only thing I will get hit with! UGH!!!! And I thought I had already been called just about every name in the book. Just thinking about it brings pictures to my mind that are not pretty! I don't know if I can do this... yes... I guess you can call me a coward... at least for now.

You are NOT a coward!Your H has abused you and you are fearful he might again, and you should be fearful, because this news is the worst anyone can hear. So, find a good counselor, and don't say a word to your H unless you are in his/her office and feel SAFE!~Sheryl

Thanks Sheryl! Whew... I am breathing now... I do appreciate you....

You're welcome, Lacee... I don't want to see you hurt, okay?Be careful! ((((((( Lacee )))))))Big, big hugs, Sheryl

I vote tell, I am a betrayed H, I discovered the EA first, also I needed "all" of the details. My imagination was kicking my butt!, THe more details I knew, the better off I was. Yes they were hard to hear, There was some physical stuff, kissing, hugs, intimate sex talking, but no sex. But She told me everything they did and said. It helped me to understand. We are doing great now, only 3 months into recovery too! Ive even talked to the OM, he is also sorry and working on his marriage. I say tell....of course timing is everything,....maybe not now, but sometime ...------------------ jnvc

Telling always depends on the people/situation. I feel this is a dangerous subject. First get the problems out of the way and make the marriage strong,counseling-commitment-good communication. I believe we love because we need to be loved, so if you want him to love you than devote to him only. I was found out 12 yrs ago and never told all and it killed her and when she did 6 mo. ago it killed me. I gave more info and now it destroys. She hates me now without recovery. Hate has always been there so its not an easy road so I think its better to work on what you have and put this behind you.

Lacee,If there is a real possibility for abuse, you must be safe and have a plan. Again, you need to discuss this with a counselor who is experienced in abuse (as well as marriage counseling---which is a tough combo to find) well before you think of telling your husband.If you're expecting physical violence, you should be prepared to file a restraining order immediately. You should be prepared to be separated from him for several months while the two of you try to work out your issues in counseling. And if you hear threats coming from him after the initial shock wears off---you should consider divorce.These are all major issues. But again, I believe that he should be told. If he's not, and he finds out later---his reaction will certainly not be any milder.

Lacee,I read what you wrote on my thread... honey, don't leave this forum. Here's the thing...I don't care if your H only beat the hell out of you once - once is too often!! If there is any chance that there will be violence, hold off telling him about your affair. I agree with K about seeking counseling and seperating from your H during if necessary. But her's what I suspect, and I think that you and I both know, that if you seperate, he will come after you. Am I right?You have to do what you think is right. Only you know your H. I get on a soapbox when I see violence toward anyone in a vulnerable position. You are in a vulnerable position, and so are your children. And so, it seems, is your H. You don't want his threat of suicide to cloud your judgement. If he chose to do that it would not be your fault. I know where you are coming from, my H threatened the same. I actually know someone who threatened this to his W and then went through with it. You and I both know the guilt she felt until she realized that it was his choice, not hers. Yes it would be terrible and sad, but so would it be if your children had no mother and a daddy in jail, unless of course he killed himself after you... then no parents at all. You have a responsibility to your children to be safe. You do whatever it takes to stay that way!

Lacee, Lacee, Lacee, Lacee (eiram)I will give you my two cents. First of all I understand your need to clear your concience. Wait until your totally healed and prepared to tell him every detail, with out him having to ask. Do not tell him you do not remember. He will know that you are lying. Anyway after you are totally healed tell him in front of a counselor or a Bishop. I know that this will help as I wished it would have happened to me this way. Also make him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is important to you. Tell him too but mostly show himNofool

Lacee, You have gotten some real good advice here. I'm glad you found this board before you tell your husband about your affair. At least you have some information and help to guide you. Bravo for you in your efforts to do the right thing and turn yourself and marriage around. We're all pulling for you! Speaking from personal experience, my advice to you would be to tell your husband, sometime after you get the holidays behind you. Have a place to flee to, should your husband become violent. Don't tell him with the kids around. Most importantly, painful as it is, admit the affair. My wife hid her affair from me for 8 years. Eight years of guilt to deal with, 8 years of her pulling away from me because she couldn't handle her guilt and self-loathing for betraying her own standards and her husband who was devoted to her. Like a snowball gathering mass as it rolls down a hill, the hidden effects of guilt, shame, hiding, depression, lack of trust, fear, unresovled feelings of anger, hurt will accumulate until it becomes more than you can handle. Then it will burst into the open in one form or another. Eventually, there may well come a crisis point in which you will be compelled to deliver the truth. Better to do it now rather than later, after the cumulative effects I just described destroy you and your marriage. Hiding it only hurts you and your husband more. What is done in the dark will always, some way, eventually be exposed to the light of day. I quote from a very good book which gives hope. It deals with the causes, effects, and remedies for the bad choices people make in life: "The person who carries a secret sentences himself to a dungeon." -Rebuilding Your Broken World by Gordon MacDonald. Free yourself from your dungeon! It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. There will be very dark days ahead. But there is always faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. Blessings to you for trying to do the right thing! Pilgrim

This is to all of you who have posted since my last reply on this thread. I am very touched by the concern from all of you. I want you all to know that I intend to be very cautious about how I handle telling him. It may still be some time before I do. I have pretty much decided that for now I will talk with my church leader. (Strangly enough, this is something that the OM has been urging me to do for months, since he has been doing it and trying to become worthy so his X wife will let him back into her life.) This will be another tough thing for me to do, considering I have known him (my bishop) since I was a child and we grew up together. This will be a bit humiliating for me, but perhaps a bit easier in its own way. After hearing his advice, I will continue to move in a positive way, as I have been for months now. I can't make any promises as to how soon it will be before I tell him, I can only go with my instincts and be cautious. The physical abuse that only happened once, was a shock to me as well as him. He was so deeply ashamed of himself that he asked me if I wanted him to go away. I can't say for certain if it will happen again. But, like some of you have said, if it happened once... it is very possible that it could again. His frame of mind is what will determine that. If I continue to show him my love and contine to be faithful to him, at least I will have a base of love formed and hopefully he will see that I have really been trying because of my love for him. Right now, this is the best I can do. Please try to understand how much I love him... and how ashamed I am of what I did. [This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 18, 1999).][This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 18, 1999).]

Lacee,I want to encourage you to read "Francis's" postings on the Why Women Leave Men" forum of this site. Her counselor gave a very interesting and effective strategy for breakng the news of her affair to her H. I believe you would gather much insight from her posting but particularly the portion about breaking the news to her H.Good Luck and God Bless,JL

Whodat, Hey, my ears are burning! Lacee, My H never laid a hand on me, but had "pushed around" a past girlfriend. I had no reason to believe he would hurt me physically. HOWEVER, he had displayed occasions where he was very emotionally abusive towards me. I confessed because I was tired of being afraid of him and desperately wanted to save our marriage. I waited 6 months before confessing because I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it to relieve my guilt and that I was sure I truly wanted to save the marriage. Otherwise, why go through all that cr*p? Yes, Whodat is right. I wish I had not confessed now for a number of reasons.1. My primary goal was preservation of my marriage. He didn't forgive me and divorced me.2. He was extremely abusive emotionally, the scars of which I am still trying to recover from. 3. There is more than one way to solve a problem, and what works for some people may not work for others.4. Absolute honesty is for absolute idealists. 5. Abusers don't deserve honesty. Don't care how disrespectful it is. Your safety is more important. Are you sure you really want to save this marriage? Maybe you are just afraid you won't be able to take care of your 5 children by yourself? That is understandable, but believe me, it will be much, much harder to get the child support you need if infidelity is thrown into the picture. He might even try to prove somehow you are an unfit mother. Don't want to scare you, but his past behavior shows he is not respectful of you. My ex is doing just fabulous now, thanks to my wonderful confession. He took all of his anger out on me, punished me for a good year or so till he got it all out of his system, then dumped me a week after I found out my mom had cancer. So my advice is don't do it. Don't confess. All the people who tell you to confess have never been abused (from what I can tell). They don't understand the dynamics, plus, they obviously have had success and their marriages are still together. From someone who has been there...don't do it. They also don't have 5 children to support. The guilt you feel right now is NOTHING, NOTHING compared to what your H might do to you. Leave him first, then see what his reaction is. That should be a pretty good indicator.

I am a betrayed husband and my W told me about her affair 2 weeks after it began (it's still going on, though). It hurt a lot, she almost didn't tell me, probably that evening I could had managed to have her end that relationship, but I couldn't even think at the moment and despite of all the pain I am grateful, since I am learning a lot out of this and so is she.But, each marriage is different. She managed to tell me this way because our communication used to very good (and now it's at its highest). In your case you first need to achieve good communication w/ your H AND improve other areas in your marriage. Once you reach a level of openness and honesty that feels right, then tell him. And yes, get a good counselor.Alex ------------------ Live and learn

I disagree with the magnificient and I MEAN magnificient Dr. Harley on only 1 issue. (After all, this forum isn't a cult is it?) It pays to be street smart. Many respected counselors will tell you that there are times when you should NOT tell your spouse about an affair.This is one of those times. The Harley complete honesty principle is TOTALLY based upon the possibility that your spouse might find out anyway. What if your spouse never finds out? It does happen sometimes boys and girls. What if you find a solution to all of the problems without vomiting up all the lurid details the affair? Isn't that the best possible outcome?Good luck.

Lacee - Like you, I am new here. I didn't come to this board until after I told my H (I wish I came here first though). I have to admit that I had no intentions to tell my H at all - EVER. My OM encouraged me to and I trusted him (and now feel grateful to him). The dishonety was not who I am and I knew that I had to tell him eventually. I also knew that my marriage could not begin to heal until everything was out in the open. How could a marriage begin to rebuild if one person doesn't know that anything is broken? I am glad that you have made the difficult decision to tell your husband.I do share everyone else's concern with the posibility of it getting physical when you tell him. Having someone else there is a very good idea. I had no idea what my H would do but violence was the least of my worries.This is how I did it: Infidelity was the only subject in our marriage that never got discussed. It is the one thing that my H hated in this world more than anything. My H's parent's split when he was 17 because his mom was having an affair (she even attempted suicide a couple of times after). He hated it so much that even if we watched a movie that had any form of infidelity in it - he'd walk out of the room (movie theatre or not). I knew all of this and I still decided to tell my H. I chickened out a couple of times but actually got my strengh from this site. I knew my H was laying on the couch watching TV and I came onto the computer to read about HONESTY within a marriage. I was upset after reading so I ceased the moment and went to lay with him on the couch. I didn't face him because if I did - I maybe couldn't have done it. I asked him to turn off the TV so we could talk. As we talked - I told him about how I have been feeling the past couple of months. He responed by blaming himself and telling me that he will try and be a better husband to me. That killed me because I was about to hurt him in the worst way possible and he was putting himself 'down'. I began my telling him that I have hurt him and he didn't even know how. I knew that questions from him would follow that I would have to answer (I thought it would be easier to answer questions instead of trying to find the words myself). His heart pounded against my back as our 'conversation' went on. I gradually told him how I started to develop feelings towards another man... that led to more. That is when he asked the question, "did you sleep with him!!!?!!!" I responded with a "yes". I cannot even explain how that felt. How much hurt and pain I put him and myself thru after that. It all seems so blurry to my now but I was being honest and I knew that if I had nothing else - I had that.One thing before I go - if you decide to wait until after Christmas, be prepared. If he knew that you made your decision well before you actually went thru with it - that could end up adding more pain to the cut. My suggestion is to keep asking questions here. I have received some really great advice and the support is unbelievable here. Take care of yourself and keep posting.Brynn

Thank you so much everyone for continuing to add to this thread! I have gotten such wonderful suggestions from all of you. It is almost like taking a bit from everyone and putting the puzzle together. I am still absorbing all of the information and advice from you all. I do want you all to know how very much I appreciate your taking the time to reply with care and consideration and for your prayers, blessings and wishes for my safety. Thank you again and I will continue to read and post and eventually, I will get through this mess. Take care everyone and Holiday wishes to you all....

Cuckold:I have to disagree with you on this point: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>What if you find a solution to all of the problems without vomiting up all the lurid details the affair? Isn't that the best possible outcome?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is not the best possible outcome, because that secret is STILL between you. I don't believe that this site is a "cult" either, but Dr. Harley is dead-on accurate when he says you can't have complete recovery without total honesty.A betrayed spouse deserves to make his or her decision to stay in the light of the truth. Sure, it IS possible to go on with life never spilling your guts about what you've done to your spouse, but don't you think it will always be in the back of the betrayer's mind SOMEWHERE?Even if a betrayed spouse never "knows," it's impossible to hide ALL of the evidence. I suspected my wife for some time before I found out, but I couldn't bring myself to believe the evidence I was seeing. All I knew is that something wasn't adding up. I dare say EVERY betrayed spouse here probably had that same "gut" feeling for at least a while before the truth came out.You can't hide this kind of thing from EVERYONE. Somebody out there knows, and you can never be sure what that somebody may do. I can tell you this -- it's better to have it come from the betrayer than to come from somebody else.------------------ /// Lone Star * ///

I urge you to wait to tell your H until you feel safe with him completely. Even with another person present at the time you tell him will be difficult because of the aftermath when you are alone. I had an affair that resulted in pregnancy (I thought I was infertile) and two days after I found out I told my H that I was pregnant with the OM baby. At first I thought he took it whether well then he blew up like a volcano and didn't stop for two years. He wanted to know everything about the affair and I did not want to give any details because I was afraid for myself and the OM. That just enraged him. My pregnancy was miserable. I could not be happy because I was pregnant, he tortured me for seven and half months. I begged him to stop not for my sake but for the baby's but he kept yelling and belittling me until I ended up in the hospital with premature labor. It stopped for awhile after that. but something would snap inside his head and start it again. He also was drinking very heeavily at this time. I ended up having my baby 6 1/2 weeks early and he was in the hospital for twelve long long days. My husband accepted this baby as his own and we became a family for a short time. He kept pressing for details about the other man and I would not tell him anything that he needed to know because I was so scared him. (he never hit me with his hands just his words) This went on for 16 months with this volcano steaming and ready to blow at any time until 2 months ago when he had been drinking and something snapped in him and he became a raving luntic he would not stop yelling at me until he got tired and left me shaking under ablanket scared for my life. When I awoke the next morning he was very apoligetic and sweet like he always was after he abused me, but the next day he was still sorry and very gentle with me. This went on for a week before I told him I really like the new you, and he saind thanks for noticing. He became a new person, he was so sorry for everything he had done to me and he was tired of all the rage that was in him. He changed for himself, but in fact when he changed I changed also. He became the person I married again but better in so many ways. We actually started communicating, he explained to me without yelling what my affair had done to him and how this angry monster became bigger and bigger until he changed. As time went on without the rage i became more open about the affair and told him the details he wanted. I was very scared at the time but I trusted him that he could take it without the volcano exploding and I was right. He listened and after everything was out he hugged me and forgave me. It has been a long road for this and just recently i realized what the vebal abuse has done to me. If he yells in anger even when it is not directed at me I flinch as if I had been hit. That is where I am now. Please don't tell him until you are sure on what he is going to do

You've gotten a lot of advice already, but let me add my 2cents.My h sat me down and told me on Oct 29. I was devastated, but we are recovering. I discovered this site before I knew of the EMR and set up a session with Jennifer Harley (on the phone) because I felt we needed help since he was so withdrawn. I think the way he told me made a very difficult situation better.a) he told Harley 1st and she coached him on how to tell me. After a month of coldness, he was warm and assured me he wanted only our marriage and was prepared to follow all the Harley steps; especially honesty. b)He answered all my questions and shared all the emails. In his case there were two affairs and he was open about all of it. This has helped me trust that he is not keeping anything from me now, since he so openly told me. c)Through all the hurt, he has not blamed me or been defensive.Another thing no one has mentioned!! The following week was pure hell. Fortunately, it coincided (he didn't plan as well as you) to be two days before we went on a cruise. He was in major withdrawal while I was in shock, but we somehow helped each other along. If you can time it so you can take a week off, it helped me not to have to function as usual.Finally, I had been reading Harley's books since I became aware we were drifting and I was very aware that night that punishing him would get ME nowhere. It sounds crazy, but I reached out to him and made love to him. Then I was up all night while he slept like a baby.I don't know if your h might get violent or if it was more the alcohol. The worst I did was break a glass (not aimed at him). So do listen to others on that.As to whether to tell: our pastor had advised he wait our marriage was strong, I DO NOT agree. I think the Harleys are right about honesty being the only way to real intimacy. He had also attempted to break contact before, but had gone back to the ICQ chats. Only after he told me was there a clear "my wife knows, no contact at all, etc." letter.

I see another "betrayer" is being shown the way/walked to the guillotine. Be aware, only those who have survived the "betrayer" firing squad are left here to give you this total honesty advice. Except maybe for me and one or two others who really know what consequences you are likely to face... You don't deserve to be punished. Your husband has no more right to "decide" what to do with your marriage than you do, especially after what he has done directly to you. Sitting in front of a counselor when you tell him will not guarantee your safety. He could decide to punish you later. You bear only 50% responsibility for the state of your marriage. Telling your H will only give him one more reason to abuse you or worse.

I think I am going to sit down and write H a letter. I will have this put away in an EXTREMELY safe place. It will confess all and be totally honest about everything. BUT.... I am not going to give it to him unless I absolutely have to. Until that day, I will keep a daily journal of my progress and thoughts. The love I feel for H and the things I am doing to keep our marriage working and what I am doing to make it stronger. I will write all my feelings for him to read, so that when the day comes, if it comes, I can give him all of it. I think this is the best I can do right now. At least it is something until I feel comfortable with things. Thanks all again, for your advice.

Lacee, I think your last suggestion sounds very wise, and safe. Doing what you can to work on yourself and your marriage first, I think, is always a good idea. Another mistake I made was to tell my ex-H before I had forgiven myself and fully processed why "it" happened. Because I had not forgiven myself, I mistakenly believed I deserved his abuse and put up with it far more than I should have. Right now, it is not my divorce that I'm having the hardest time recovering from, it is the fact that I let him continue to hurt me and also remembering and internalizing so many of the awful things he said and did after my confession. This is why I tell people not to make what I see as a knee-jerk decision to confess. It may be the best thing in many,many circumstances, but certainly not *all*. My prayers go out to you during these hard times.

Thank you for your prayers and I agree with you that I cannot move on unless I have forgiven myself. Afterall, what on earth would I do if I couldn't live with myself after telling H? There is the possiblity that I will end up alone, if only for a while. But I will have to have some kind of strength to be able to move forward. So, like I said, I have begun the long letter of explanation and wow is it ever going to take time to get it into words and get it right. I have to pull away from it at times because it starts to make me crazy! I have however, been keeping a daily journal and will continue to do so. I am putting all my thoughts and feelings into it, including the things H does that are bothering me, that way, he will understand what it is he does that hurts my feelings or makes me feel bad. Hopefully, this will help him to understand when the time comes. What do you think? Is this a waste of time? Does anyone think this is going to help?

Lacee, it will help you, I'm sure... will your H read it before you get a chance to put all your thoughts into that letter of yours? Be careful.My H, who never touched my journals (I kept them for 5 yrs.) went through a phase of reading them while I was at work. There was nothing that he didn't know, but he took the times that I was angry or hurt and rolled them up into a ball of hatred for him, which wasn't true. There were many times I said how much I loved him, but he didn't want to see that, he wanted to wallow in the "hate".Just be careful.By the way, there are many, many here who believe in TOTAL HONESTY and that your marriage has no place in it for journals or anything private. I am not one of those people. You need to do what you know is safe and best in your situation. Remember that!~Sheryl

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