Chicken or the egg? - 06/24/03 06:58 PM
I believe that marriage is the foundation for a family. I have always wanted a family and am now dealing with the ticking clock of the late-20's.
My boyfriend (26) and I (27) have been together for 4.5 years. We have been living together for over 2 years. Communication in our relationship is nothing less than impressive, although the "M-word" has always been a hot spot. Over the past couple of years, I have playfully teased my boyfriend about marriage...or moreso about him proposing to me. We have openly discussed children and our life many years down the road, but he has consistently run away from the topic of marriage. About six months ago, we decided to talk to a couples counselor to discuss our feelings. He felt that he needed someone to give him a little push, but it was actually his mom that suggested the counseling. While there were some good individual discussions with the therapist, the marriage topic slowly faded into our busy schedules. With the start of summer, both of our lives have slowed down quite a bit, but he doesn't really want to talk to the therapist, anymore. The other day, I playfully asked him whether he preferred me to nag him about marriage or children. He looked me in the eye and asked me if I was ready for children. Moments later, he was thinking out loud about his current health insurance as a grad student coupled with my own employee coverage. There is no doubt that he wants a baby, too. He is about 1.5 years from earning his PhD in biophysics and has already stated he does not want a child until he was no longer on a student's salary. He is a very smart man and I respect not only his decision about children, but basically every word he mutters. I have always known that he will make an amazing father. He told me that if I were pregnant, there would be no question about marriage...even if we married the month before I gave birth (obviously easier for him:). I told him that there is no way I would ever deceive him and he replied, "well, if you did, that would be a great way to get me to marry you." And he said that with a smile. It was almost as if he wanted me to get pregnant so he wouldn't have to propose or make a decision...it would be obvious and easy.
How funny to me that I've been asking him the wrong question--the question I assumed I wasn't allowed to ask. The only urgency I feel toward marriage is that I want to have children by the time I'm 30. I know that we will marry and work very well together--we are very respectful of each other's feelings and needs and compliment each other's personalities happily.
Turns out that I should have just been expressing my growing desire to have a baby rather than pushing the marriage issue. I don't want to get pregnant before we marry. Now, I feel like I should let the topic rest until he brings it up, again. I think he will. I'm confused and anxious, but extremely happy.
If anyone has any ideas about how to handle my situation, I'd love to hear them. I think the main issue has been that we are so happy and 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it.' But, while I'm very happy, I'm ready for the next step.
Thanks for any feedback!
My boyfriend (26) and I (27) have been together for 4.5 years. We have been living together for over 2 years. Communication in our relationship is nothing less than impressive, although the "M-word" has always been a hot spot. Over the past couple of years, I have playfully teased my boyfriend about marriage...or moreso about him proposing to me. We have openly discussed children and our life many years down the road, but he has consistently run away from the topic of marriage. About six months ago, we decided to talk to a couples counselor to discuss our feelings. He felt that he needed someone to give him a little push, but it was actually his mom that suggested the counseling. While there were some good individual discussions with the therapist, the marriage topic slowly faded into our busy schedules. With the start of summer, both of our lives have slowed down quite a bit, but he doesn't really want to talk to the therapist, anymore. The other day, I playfully asked him whether he preferred me to nag him about marriage or children. He looked me in the eye and asked me if I was ready for children. Moments later, he was thinking out loud about his current health insurance as a grad student coupled with my own employee coverage. There is no doubt that he wants a baby, too. He is about 1.5 years from earning his PhD in biophysics and has already stated he does not want a child until he was no longer on a student's salary. He is a very smart man and I respect not only his decision about children, but basically every word he mutters. I have always known that he will make an amazing father. He told me that if I were pregnant, there would be no question about marriage...even if we married the month before I gave birth (obviously easier for him:). I told him that there is no way I would ever deceive him and he replied, "well, if you did, that would be a great way to get me to marry you." And he said that with a smile. It was almost as if he wanted me to get pregnant so he wouldn't have to propose or make a decision...it would be obvious and easy.
How funny to me that I've been asking him the wrong question--the question I assumed I wasn't allowed to ask. The only urgency I feel toward marriage is that I want to have children by the time I'm 30. I know that we will marry and work very well together--we are very respectful of each other's feelings and needs and compliment each other's personalities happily.
Turns out that I should have just been expressing my growing desire to have a baby rather than pushing the marriage issue. I don't want to get pregnant before we marry. Now, I feel like I should let the topic rest until he brings it up, again. I think he will. I'm confused and anxious, but extremely happy.
If anyone has any ideas about how to handle my situation, I'd love to hear them. I think the main issue has been that we are so happy and 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it.' But, while I'm very happy, I'm ready for the next step.
Thanks for any feedback!