I'm all out of hope - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I have been on MB almost three years. I rarely post anymore, but I REALLY need some prayers and help.First, I love the Lord, and I know that He loves me and wants what is best for me. I know this, although I am having a hard time *seeing* it.I've been divorced over 1 1/2 years; seperated a total of 3 yrs. I have a young daughter who is the joy of my life.Why am I writing this today? Well, I, even after all this time, still CRY at night for my husband to come home. Some are familiar with the term *standing* and I've been doing this.I came to me last night, that although I want my husband to turn to the Lord and come home, I don't believe he will any longer. I honestly believe now, that satan has been clouding my mind, to the point of tormenting me. I should NOT be feeling this way, escpecially after 3 years of seperation (married only 4 1/2 years). I NEED to let this go and I need to truly let God lead MY life. I am close to losing my mind over this and I know that is from the devil. I cannot pretend any longer that my xh is coming home- I need to live my own life.Please, if you pray, pray for my daughter and myself. Please Lord, release me from this torment and lift me from this pit.God bless

Hello Brokenspirit, I will pray for you today and when I can. I wanted to share a book with you that really helped me release some areas regarding my husband that I was obsessed with. I read the book "Shattering your Strongholds" by Liberty Savaard. You probably will have to special order it from a Christian bookstore, but this book truly set me free from obsessing about my husband's affair and letting him go. We are now back together and more in love than ever. It's a different kind of love, based more on genuineness and reality than fantasy or ideals. I don't look for him to meet my needs, I am pursuing furthering my education and career and am seeking the Lord for His plans for my life. One thing that might help is to set goals for yourself, think of things that you've always wanted to do or learn about. Take classes and get involved with things. Don't allow yourself to obsess about him. You are complete without your husband. Follow the daily prayers in liberty's book and I know it will make a difference. it really is a battle of the mind, and this book was the first thing that truly helped me release those obsessions from my mind and to bind my mind and will to Jesus Christ's. Love and Prayers, your friend CC

Dear Brokenspirit,
I am praying for you, for God to give you clear direction and reveal his plans & purposes for your life and that you will know His perfect will in this whole situation.
God bless you!

Dear Broken, I too have been here around 3 years and have been standing for over 3 years now. I have had the same feelings lately. Although my W and I have been seeing each other for the last year, she still refuses to come home because her mommy forbids it.(W is 32) Although my W may want to come home, she is not mentally well and i have both entire families againts me. The devil seems to be relentless in keeping my marriage destroyed and tormenting me. I have lost hope many times, even this week. Somehow the Lord gives it back everytime. I feel rebelious when i constantly say i want to get on with my life! I want to be happy. Its like im telling God Ive had enough and this is too big for even you to handle.
Sometimes i try my hardest to give up. I even go as far as telling God not to dare give me anymore hope for a hopeless situation. Then He does anyway. Some of us have to make it thru more for examples to others. Otherwise most give up after 6 months to a year. May the Lord get the glory in this all. You are not alone and in my prayers.
Mark

Hanging in there-Thank you for you prayers. I know that God's will is not for me to be in torment. I know He wants me to healthy.
I do take care of myself. I am starting a new business- all on my own (with God's help, of course). I'm a mom; I do my hobbies; I have my circle of friends.
There are times, tho, that my ache to have my mate back is sometimes unbearable. It's something that most people do not understand and they think you are in som sort of denial.
I'm glad to hear you are in recovery. May the Lord bless your marriage.luvbug-Thank you for this prayers. I do pray to do the will of God, and not me. I do need His direction and guidance.Lostpup-Oh, your post really struck me. It's very rare to find a *stander* who has been doing this for years. Like you said, most decide early on that there is something *better*. I, too, have prayed that God would just STOP this- that I was DONE- that I'm not going to do it anymore. Then, like you said, He will turn my heart back to my xh and I begin to pray for him again.
I don't know this time, tho. I honestly *feel* different this time. It is truly tormenting to keep hoping like this. I keep thinking that I'm stopping just before the finish line (5 seconds before my miracle), but how many times do you get to that point and have it NOT be your time for a miracle?
Thank you for sharing your story. I will pray for you, too.
God Bless You.

Broken, i can relate to you very well.
What gets me thru the unbearable times is of course Gods peace, but also knowing the devil wouldnt put out so much effort if God wasnt going to get glory. Every time i want to give up and have had enough(once a week) God reminds me that i have and still do in some areas hurt Him deeply, yet He forives me and never gives up on me. Im left without an excuse [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Dear Lord, I pray that you would give broken your strenth to make it thru these unbearable times and give her your peace and comfort. Lord, we are growing weary, for it has been years now. I pray for encouragement and direction. Lord we loose our direction so much and constanly need to be reasured that you havent forgot about us. Lord i pray for a word that Broken and myself cant deny in our pain that says you are going to fully restore our broken hearts and marriages.
In Jesus Name, Amen

Lostpup,Thank you for your prayers. I LOL when you said you want to give up once a week! Mine is like once a day, any more.I would like to ask you some questions, if that is ok?Are you seperated, or divorced? Any children? Have you tried to implement Plan B?Honestly, I think I've come to the point where I see no hope at all for us. I'm not sure if it is satan or not. All I know is, I'm tired of waiting; tired of hurting; just plain tired of hoping for this. The Lord lead me to read 1Timothy last night, and the part of "....finishing the race...." really hit me. If I quit now, I'm not finishing the race; but, there is another part of me that thinks maybe this race was not mine to run to begin with.When I hope for restoration, I'm in anquish. When I *think* I'm giving up, I feel relieved. Do I feel anquish because the devil is fighting me and relieved when I give up because his is winning??? I don't know. Anyway, I've rambled enough. Thank you for caring and it really does help to know that others are out there, going through this trial.Father God, we love you and thank you for all you do for us. You are our refuge; our rock. Even though we grow weary, and doubts fill our minds, we continue to hold on to You, hoping only in You, knowing that You hold our lives in Your hands. Father, I pray for Lostpup, for all the brothers and sisters on these boards- and those we don't even know about. May You bless and protect us; showing us where to step; when to leap and when to be still. Your love is all we need. We cling to you. IJN, Amen.God Bless you

Broken, Im seperated and have a 7 yr old son and 12 yr old step daughter. My sister has my son and doesnt intend to ever give him back to me or my W and my step daughter is with her dad and has been alienated againts me recently by mother inlaw. I was very close to my step daughter. My W still wants a D because it would make everyone happy but her or me. My own mother has offered to pay her to divorce me.(My mother seems to have lost her faith) My W is manic depresant and in a treatment home. Everybody tells her she will get children back if she divorces me and has notheing to do with me. Its a lie of course. She is the last person in the world to get kids back. Shes a recovering junkie and mentally ill. The only way is if we get back together and they know that. I have been very good for her recovery and they hate that. W believes lies and wont listen to the truth. Still she does want to be my W, but she cant handle so many againts it. I guess i understand some. Im finding i cant handle it much more either.
When you give up, is it more of letting it go to God or pushing restoration out of your heart. I have done both. I felt the most relief of all when i was taking xanax-lol. Relief last so long for the wrong reasons. You will know soon enough. If you find yourself becoming more angry and resentful, you just break and love for them pours back into your heart.
The devil has thrown it all at me. Twisting scripture in everyway. Ive had pastors tell me theres no hope and church members demand i divorce cause they did and it was fine as i only seen bitterness in their eyes. This stand has brough me almost to the grave a few times and destroyed me financially.I have thought life was acually hell. I found comfort in the fact that im spared this kind of pain forever after i leave this life. The list does go on.
All i can say is God brought me thru it all and i dont know how. It just happened.
Along the way i got to the point of convicing myself to end my life. I cant describe the relief i felt. I felt good and happy. That ended one night and God set me back on the path. You probably dont want to know how far i went. If you feel relief, yet have trouble facing God its probably false peace. I hope and pray God would revel Himself and His plans for all of us here at MB soon.
Mark

Lostpup,Holy moly! Looking at what someone else endures, really puts your own situation in perspective. I read your post and I just lifted you up to the Lord. My heart just feels for you.Do you fast? I believe in fasting, altho I don't do it very well. My flesh really can be in control of me at times, and it is VERY difficult for me to stop some of my additions (yes, I have many-which I need to stop!). Would you be interested in fasting on a specific day with me? If we can do this, we will fast until we BOTH have a breakthrough. Does this interest you? I think if we can do this together, maybe our chances of following through may be better.I pray for you and your family, Mark. I pray the bondage your wife is in will be broken by the hand of the Lord. I pray that your family is restored, with all your children, in a way you never could have dreamed. May the Lord keep you strong, courageous, and keep looking to the Lord.God Bless you, brother

Broken, ive been fasting the last few days. I didnt want to, i just cant eat. Things are not well with my W and I. Im loosing hope again myself. The pain in me is very unbearable. I just want this hell to end. How long must i pray and cry before God answers my prayers. I want this over one way or another.
Mark

Lostpup,I truly feel for you. I know how hard it is to continue to hold on when nothing seems to be going that way. A truly impossible situation.It's not good for you to not eat. I know what it feels like to not feel like eating, but sometimes you just need to force yourself.I'll be happy to pray for you, Mark. What specifically do you want me to pray for this week. Maybe if we can make small goals (daily/weekly), it will help us in our walk and help us to keep our focus on Jesus and not our situations.God loves you, Mark.Praying...........

Broken, i suppose i need to allow Gods peace and patience to continue to reign in my heart. Im starting to give up once a day acually. Does anyone know if God can acually get thru to a mentally ill person. It doesnt seem to be happening. Sometimes i wonder how much God thinks i can take. I am so weak. I feel im becoming mentally ill. I have to continue to financially support my W , while she pretends she is making it on her own. I feel very used. Im just wondering if this will ever end. Back on the rollercoaster from hell. I guess somebody had to be her husband.
Dear Lord, i pray you reach our mates that otherwise are impossible to reach. With man this is impossible, but with you Lord all things are possible.
In Jesus name, Amen

Lostpup,There is so much pain in your post. I am truly sorry.To answer you question, Yes, God CAN restore a mentally ill person, He can do anything. However, I guess it kinda boils down to the fact that person needs to be willing to get help, too. He wants us to choose Him first, and then He will heal us.As far you you go, I'm concerned about you. I believe that satan is the one that is getting you down. Satan hates that we love and serve the Living God and he will do whatever he can to keep destroying our lives. Mark, HOLD ON TO JESUS. Don't let satan and his weak attempts to destroy you win. God is loving and He wants you to have an abundant life.The reason you are her husband is because God KNEW you would love her- through it all!!! How many men would tolerate this??!! Mark, you are stronger than you think. You are becoming the vessel that God will use to bring your wife out of the bondage of satan. Remember, it's ALWAYS darkest before dawn.I'm praying for you, dear brother. I lift you up to the arms of the Holy Master. Let Him comfort you and wrap you in His arms.Blessings

Dear Broken, thankyoufor your kindness. Satan is out to destroy me. Im being ripped compleatly apart and I think my Wife isnt mentally ill anymore. I believe she is demon possesed. I feel like im being crucified. Ive been here many times, but this is the most intense. All her words are lies. She is screwing around again, but wont admit it. I have always had to find out from others. I dont know how she can tell me she loves me with all her heart one moment and seeks to destroy me the next without a problem with it. I have been through HELL. She is a Judas. Her actions are the opposite of her words. She is persecuting me again. She is hiding from me again.(another man) and Ive been thru this for a total of 4 years not including the other 4 of hell we lived together. Sorry for the discouragment.
I need to heal. I healed greatly and it has all been undone. She has broken my heart countless times. I honestly cant take anymore. Pray that i still follow the Lord after this. Please pray that God would tell me something. I feel so abandon.
Mark

Brokenspirit,I will keep you in my prayers. I have been standing for over a year and divorced for a year now. I have tried giving up so many times but the Lord leads me back to standing for the marriage covemnant. There are groups for people that are standing and some web sites that have testimonies of restored marriages. Send me an eamil and I can forward as much as possible. I also know of a book you can purchase (I have the ebook I can forward to you) called "How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage" The web site is www.restorem.org.Lostpup,
I have followed you and your situatin for quite some time and believe we have corresponded a few times. DON'T GIVE UP. You know that is Satan. You have told me that a few times. You have been such an inspiration to me and I am sure others.I am praying for you.Barb
morriggs@yahoo.com

Dear Broken, im ready to push on and the Lord is my deliverer. I really had to get my mind off the circumstances and back on the Lord. I am at peace now. There is a big difference.
I think we all get so very discouraged at times and want to give up so bad. The Lord always shows me He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world. We need so much to keep our eyes on the Lord at all times.
Hi Barb, thank you for your encouragement also. The Lord has got us here to lift each other up, and im not to proud to admit i need it just as much as everybody else. Your also in my prayers.
Dear Lord, Help us to continue to keep our eyes on you and off our circumstances. Lord, we need your peace and rest. I pray you graciously give us more peace as the days grow very evil. Lord, teach us to fully trust you and not waiver.
In Jesus Name, Amen

Morriggs-Thank you for your encouragemnt. Yes, I've been to restorem.org (I'm a member). I guess I've just been feeling lately that it doesn't make sense- that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm certain this is satan, trying to *fool* me into losing myself, thereby losing the Lord. I will do my best to keep my eyes on the Lord.Lostpup-You sound much better. I'm so glad you are feeling the Lord's peace. I'm still not there. Honestly, I don't want to do this any longer. I have no feelings left for him- we are fighting again (yes, I'm part of the problem). I'm so tired of this. I know that God CAN do anything. I believe in His power and majesty. I just don't know if it's going to happen for me.Your prayer is so true. Thank you for that. It really does seem that the days of evil are upon us. May the Lord protect and deliver His children. May we become the vessels He desires for us.God Bless.

Broken, it does sound like your going through a lot of what i have been going thru recently. We have been fighting constantly and I have told her Im thru many times the last month. I even called her a Judas. I have not done well in my own strenth. I took it back into my hands and its a mess. Of course nothing makes sense. Does it make sense that the people crucified the Son of God? Did it make sense that they choose to release a hardened criminal loose into their society (Barabas)so Jesus could be crucified in his place. The way i read it Barabas was their modern day Charles Manson. Does it make sense that Peter became a Rock after he denied Jesus.
When things dont make sense and they rarely do, its time to trust God compleatly.
You may need to back off from WH for a while to get focus back on Jesus. I have had to do that with W. She says she needs to find her focus on Jesus that she has never had. I hope and pray that is the truth. Its all in Gods hands and He does work out all things. A growing faith is costly and painful.
Dear Lord, I pray that you would teach us how to truely let go of our circumstances and continue to fully trust in you. I pray that we can see the truth that the world around us violently tries to hide and twist even in our own minds. Take our minds captive in Christ Jesus.
In Jesus name, Amen

Lostpup,I'm becoming quite confused (which of course is from satan) about ALL of this. I believe in marriage, I believe in the convenant of Christ. It's so hard to give your life to the Lord- each day. I struggle with so many issues- each day.I just don't know anymore. The thought of waiting more years for him to come home, then at least 2 more years before all is good.........

,,,,,I just don't know anymore. There must be something I'm missing, but I don't know what it is.Thank you for your prayers. You are in my, also.

Broken, this is an intense spiritual war. Our enemy(satan) will stop at nothing to defeat us. You will be bombarded with lies, lusts, anger, confusion, etc. The enemy wants you to give up.
Your faith is Jesus Christ. The worst defeating thoughts are the time in all this. Its not natural for us to be comfortable with Gods time(I still hate it). The enemy knows this. If he can get our focus on just that we will crumble.
Yes, sometimes i feel God will restore my M on the day im ready to die. Along the way, i had to find a resolve to stand no matter if it took 10 years. That was at a time when i hadent heard from W in many months and didnt even know if she was alive.
When i want to give up, God shows me how long it took for me to turn my life compleatly to Him. I was a very stubborn one. I overdosed on drugs about as many times as W has. When God provided a way, i went in another direction many times. He finally reached me and i broke and turned to Him with my all. Its all i had left. I had no choice. God waited around 25 years for me since i accepted Him to make Him Lord of my life. Oh He was my saviour for many years. Just not "Lord" and saviour. God never gave up on me and always loved me and waited for me to turn back to Him.
The gospel is about forgivness. Laying your life and selfishness down for another. Its not about all the great things God wants to do for my life nor is it about my happiness. Unfortunantly thats about all thats being taught in the churchs today. The Gospel of comfort and ease.
When it comes down to it, Christ suffered and was crucified for my sins as well as the rest of the worlds. He choose me to be spared hell eternal.
After what many of us have been thru, we have an idea of what hell is like. I praise Jesus im spared this hell forever. I cant ask for much more. I hope and pray His name is glorified. Thats why i want my M restored. For Gods glory. If that wasnt true, Id be remarried by now and lived happily ever after with some wonderful Christian wife.(if i had a nickle for every time i heard that) The trouble is, where would be Gods glory? Where would be the forgivness?
Would all those around me find it strange that i havent followed them in their own destrution. They seem to want that so bad. Many seem to violently tell me what God wants. They say He wants me to divorce just like they did and hold onto my bitterness for protection. My sister acually said this. Many others have said similar things.
This is a very narrow road that few take. I believe we will be rewarded greatly in heaven as well as here if we endure till the end. The devil seems to beleive it also.
Dear Lord, I pray you take our minds captive in Christ Jesus and deliver us from the confusion that the enemy has thrown us into. Have mercy on those whom try to lead us into sin. Bless them and do not curse. Deliver our mates from evil.
May your name be glorified.
In Jesus Name, Amen

Lostpup,I just don't want to do this anymore. Maybe I'm being attacked by satan- I don't know- I'm not angry-I'm just numb to it all.I can't imagine his back in my life- I can't *see* what life would be life. I grieve for him, but this is his choose. I know that many think that *free will* is something that satan delights in, when we think that way. But, don't we all have free will? At some point, don't we all choose which path we take? At some point, don't we all have to take personal responsibility? I loved my husband very deeply- more than the Lord- which is why this all happened, I'm sure. However, that love is gone now. I'm tired of crying and hopeing and praying and wishing on something that is gone and over.I've begged for a sign that restoration is going to happen. I get nothing. I've cried and cried and cried, and still nothing. I've got no idea what the Lord wants me to do anymore. IF he wanted me to have my husband back, wouldn't He give me a sign?????I just don't know..............

Broken, I see the enemy is now playin the freewill card. Yes we have free will. If we are Gods children, we have already given the Lord permission to break that freewill and He is the one to do it.
You have been given a sign. Its the sign of the cross. There are many more signs in the Bible. Thats why God wrote it. We run into troubles when we look for outward circumstantial signs. Especially when we want a non biblical answer.
I know the pain your in right now. Nothing matters, and you cant see past it. You probably dont even care anymore. The Lord is greater than your pain and will bring you thru it and this trial.
I have said the same things and felt the same hopelessness here on this sight more than once.
A few years ago, i accused the people here of giving me false hope and torturing me and i walked away for a while.(I did try to end my life) The Lord brought me back.
When we reach the end of our rope is where we really can find Gods peace. Dear Lord, I pray that you would give Broken your peace and Love thru her great time of need and suffering. Lord, her strenth is at an end and she needs yours but doesnt know how to find it. Deliver Broken of the fear that the enemy has gotten her in.
In Jesus name, Amen

Lostpup,You are a wise man. I can really see how God has touched your life. I really appreciate you taking all this time to talk to me. It is very nice.I guess, right now, I am looking at the circumstances. I'm unable to look past them. I know that God can do it all. I have no doubt about that. I guess my point about free will is, that when one is unsaved, their will is ruled by the evil one. And, not all people will be saved, because of this. Not all people are willing to set their lives aside, and let the Lord in. Some are content being discontent. They are unable or unwilling to let the Lord in. What if my xh is one of those people. All the prayer/faith/trust in the world can't change that, right? At some point, it MUST be up to him to WANT to give his life to God, right?Am I missing something here? Am I totally not seeing the picture? I want what God wants in my life, since I am nothing w/o Him. And I know, that if reconciliation is His plan, it will happen. I'm uncertain right now if that is His will. Some divorced people live happy, God filled lives, w/o a spouse. Maybe that is what the Lord wants for me. I just don't know.I'm so tired of the struggles that go on in my mind. Should I; can I; Is this right; Is this wrong? I just want to do what God wants me to do. I'm rambling. Sorry. I will try and pray about this again. I will try and give this back to the Lord, so He can deal with it. Things are just so bad right now, I don't see how it can be any other way. I know you are trying to help me. I do appreciate that.Lord, I thank you for the wisdom and the compassion you have given Lostpup. I lift him up to You, Heavenly Father. I thank you for this trial, because you are refining me and my xh. You love us so deeply, that only the best is your desire for us. Lord, I pray that you will touch our lives with Your glory; that You will bless us and keep us close to you. I pray for our lost spouses. I pray Your Heavenly hand will guide them to you, and that they will give their lives to you. I bind and rebuke satan in their lives, Lord. I pray the blinder will fall off and the Light our Your word will engulf their lives.
Thank you Lord, for your protection, your love and for all that you do for us. Bless Mark. Continue to mold him as he waits for the return of his beloved wife. We give you all the glory, Lord. IJN, Amen.Thank you again, Mark. May the Lord be with you.

Hi Broken,Don't give up. It doesn't matter what your "feelings" are because they will change up and down. You are married and the Lord wants you to be married. He also wants to greet both of you at the end of your lives and welcome you into His kingdom. That's really all that matters. Our time on earth is a drop in the bucket.Don't you remember being little and in September you thought Christmas would NEVER arrive?? Now that you've grown up, doesn't it seem that if you don't start buying presents in September, it just sneaks up on you? Time goes faster and faster the older you get and next to eternity a couple of years on earth is nothing.The Lord wants you to have joy. There is no doubt. I don't believe He wants you to suffer. The way to have joy is to follow Him and to love, love and love. Everybody. Not just your husband. When you have faith in the Lord and faith in His plans for you and you love those around you, your spirits are lifted. It might take a week, a month or a year - but you will reach a point where you feel peace inside you more often. And soon you will usually (not always) feel peace. True peace all over.Going back to free will, we do have it. But God has very good ways of revealing Himself (read Lupo's post!!) With your prayers and fasting, you can loosen the grip of the enemy. The Lord will provide the circumstances to help open eyes and change the circumstances.Continue to rebuke satan. Ask for the wisdom to recognize his lies. He has had ample practice at lying and is very very subtle but the Lord will shine a light where needed.You don't need to be married and living together to be full of joy and serve the Lord. That should be your first goal. If you are separated, use your time wisely and help others to find the Lord. Pray, get involved with others who need you, volunteer at your church, invite people to your home. You may never have this much time on your hands again (relationships take work) so use this time for the Lord and let Him do the work in bringing your marriage back to Him for His glory. I believe He will. If you push too hard to be satisfied in your own time and give up, you aren't trusting Him. He wants and needs you to trust Him so He can work a miracle. How many times did He say: "Your faith has healed you?"The Lord is just waiting to enter into our lives. We just don't see it. He is there for you. He sent you Mark to help out and sent you to this forum so you could find help. He chose to work through us, His Church. He didn't build a temple made of stone, but He put Peter in charge as the Rock and worked through the Apostles and disciples. He needs you to save others. Maybe that's why He allowed this to happen. He needs your prayers, your example, your faith, your love. The Lord needs YOU and only you. You are the only one who can do the job you were sent here for.Please don't disappoint Him. He has suffered so greatly for centuries through all of our sins and uncaring and selfishness. Don't give up, I beg you. The rewards of virtue are infinite. I will keep you in my prayers.Love, T