Facing separation - 01/28/03 06:34 AM
Dear Friends,
I suppose I would be considered an old timer on this board. I used to post with regularity here in 1999 and 2000. I am about to move into a new phase in my relationship with my wife and I would appreciate your feedback.
I would like to summarize my story so that you know what has happened.
After 16 years of marriage and four children, I found out that my wife was having an affair back in 1998. We had drifted apart and she chose to seek attention in the arms of another man rather than confront me and seek help together. When she did talk to me it wasn’t to tell me of the affair, it was to tell me that she was completely unhappy with our marriage and she wanted out. She listed my faults as a husband which were pretty accurate at the time.
Thankfully, I found this website in April of 1999 and many folks here helped me through some very difficult times. She stayed for the children and I started a Plan A to win her back. Her affair ended in Jan 2001. She no longer has contact with that man and I know she isn’t seeing anyone else at this time either. Over the past four years, I have stuck to my Plan A with hope of having a wonderful marriage. We are good friends and great parent partners. But, we are not lovers.
She told me Friday that she has started seeing a counselor because she is so unhappy. She told her counselor that I am the perfect husband. I am a good father, a good companion, a good financial provider, I giver her loads of affection (hair rubs, back rubs, etc), and so on. I basically meet every need she has except sex. We rarely have sex. She said she enjoys the sex we do have but I don’t meet her desire for more. The interesting thing is that my desire for her is as strong as ever.
I have to disagree with her statement that we were never lovers. We were very passionate before we married and for a while after marriage. When kids came into the picture, sex seemed to be difficult. My counselor helped me realize that my sex problems stemmed from my parents. I grew up in a family where sex was regarded as shameful. Any mention of sex was rpressed. My parents have been married for 50 years, but I rarely saw them show affection toward one another. I hate to focus blame on them, but I can only say that what I learned from them has kept me from being open about sex with my wife. The bright side is that I finally recognized this, the down side is that I learned too late.
Over the past four years I have tried to increase the sexual frequency between us but have failed. A couple of my needs are affection and admiration in order to have a strong sexual desire. My wife doesn’t touch me, kiss me, or even complement me. Its difficult for me to initiate sex when I have no clue that she has any desire for me at all. After all, if she doesn't want to touch me, why would I think she wants to have sex with me? The last time she initiated sex was May of 1997. So, obviously, we are failing at having a sexual relationship. As it stands now, she has no desire for me and in no way does she want to have sex with me. I told her we should try having sex again on a regular basis to become comfortable with each other again and perhaps her desire for me would grow. Since we seem to be more open and honest with each other, I told her that if we work at paying attention to each others needs that we could heal that part of her marriage. She doesn’t think so. She has been told partners that have a good sex life are much more successful at healing other marriage wounds. But, if you never had a good sexual relationship then you never will.
My wife wants us to separate. She is interested in getting counseling together. It’s the first time she has agreed to that in four years. She knows she is jumping into the abyss by wanting to separate. She doesn’t know if she wants to be alone, be with someone else, or be with me for the rest of her life. She doesn’t want to stay because it is the right thing to do, she would only stay if she believes she can not go on without me.
Her counselor has told her it’s a bad idea. She told her that men tend to find another partner much easier that a woman. She is over 40 with four kids so she knows her prospects are dim but she is a very attractive intellegent and funny lady. I know she could find a short term partner I'm not so sure about a long term partner. She is hoping that if we separate she will miss me and realize what I mean to her and then want me back.
I tend to agree with her. Although, what I think will happen is that she will find someone for a short time and frolic in a sexual experience until the man wants to leave. If that happens, I think that will kill what love I have left for her and I won’t want her back. I went through one affair and I know I can not endure another.
I have prepared for this moment for a long time and in the back of my mind I knew it would happen. I’m ready to let her go. In many ways she is already gone. I will miss her friendship. We have a great relationship with each other except for sex. But, I also know it isn’t just me. For a good sexual relationship, you need two willing partners and she just isn't willing. I have no regrets in trying to heal our marriage. The last four years have made me a better man. I know the love I am capable of giving. I know I will be fine.
What I fear most is what this will do to our children. One of my greatest desires was to be an example to our boys of how a husband she love and honor his wife and for my daughter to show her what she should expect from a loving husband. I have failed in that area and it hurts.
My wife is an exceptional mother to our kids. She also thinks I am a wonderful father. I don’t think we will have a problem in sharing parenting while separated. I know it will be difficult but I think we want the best for them.
Well, I’m going on too much. I would like anyone’s opinion about our situation especially if there is any common ground.
Best regards,
SHA
I suppose I would be considered an old timer on this board. I used to post with regularity here in 1999 and 2000. I am about to move into a new phase in my relationship with my wife and I would appreciate your feedback.
I would like to summarize my story so that you know what has happened.
After 16 years of marriage and four children, I found out that my wife was having an affair back in 1998. We had drifted apart and she chose to seek attention in the arms of another man rather than confront me and seek help together. When she did talk to me it wasn’t to tell me of the affair, it was to tell me that she was completely unhappy with our marriage and she wanted out. She listed my faults as a husband which were pretty accurate at the time.
Thankfully, I found this website in April of 1999 and many folks here helped me through some very difficult times. She stayed for the children and I started a Plan A to win her back. Her affair ended in Jan 2001. She no longer has contact with that man and I know she isn’t seeing anyone else at this time either. Over the past four years, I have stuck to my Plan A with hope of having a wonderful marriage. We are good friends and great parent partners. But, we are not lovers.
She told me Friday that she has started seeing a counselor because she is so unhappy. She told her counselor that I am the perfect husband. I am a good father, a good companion, a good financial provider, I giver her loads of affection (hair rubs, back rubs, etc), and so on. I basically meet every need she has except sex. We rarely have sex. She said she enjoys the sex we do have but I don’t meet her desire for more. The interesting thing is that my desire for her is as strong as ever.
I have to disagree with her statement that we were never lovers. We were very passionate before we married and for a while after marriage. When kids came into the picture, sex seemed to be difficult. My counselor helped me realize that my sex problems stemmed from my parents. I grew up in a family where sex was regarded as shameful. Any mention of sex was rpressed. My parents have been married for 50 years, but I rarely saw them show affection toward one another. I hate to focus blame on them, but I can only say that what I learned from them has kept me from being open about sex with my wife. The bright side is that I finally recognized this, the down side is that I learned too late.
Over the past four years I have tried to increase the sexual frequency between us but have failed. A couple of my needs are affection and admiration in order to have a strong sexual desire. My wife doesn’t touch me, kiss me, or even complement me. Its difficult for me to initiate sex when I have no clue that she has any desire for me at all. After all, if she doesn't want to touch me, why would I think she wants to have sex with me? The last time she initiated sex was May of 1997. So, obviously, we are failing at having a sexual relationship. As it stands now, she has no desire for me and in no way does she want to have sex with me. I told her we should try having sex again on a regular basis to become comfortable with each other again and perhaps her desire for me would grow. Since we seem to be more open and honest with each other, I told her that if we work at paying attention to each others needs that we could heal that part of her marriage. She doesn’t think so. She has been told partners that have a good sex life are much more successful at healing other marriage wounds. But, if you never had a good sexual relationship then you never will.
My wife wants us to separate. She is interested in getting counseling together. It’s the first time she has agreed to that in four years. She knows she is jumping into the abyss by wanting to separate. She doesn’t know if she wants to be alone, be with someone else, or be with me for the rest of her life. She doesn’t want to stay because it is the right thing to do, she would only stay if she believes she can not go on without me.
Her counselor has told her it’s a bad idea. She told her that men tend to find another partner much easier that a woman. She is over 40 with four kids so she knows her prospects are dim but she is a very attractive intellegent and funny lady. I know she could find a short term partner I'm not so sure about a long term partner. She is hoping that if we separate she will miss me and realize what I mean to her and then want me back.
I tend to agree with her. Although, what I think will happen is that she will find someone for a short time and frolic in a sexual experience until the man wants to leave. If that happens, I think that will kill what love I have left for her and I won’t want her back. I went through one affair and I know I can not endure another.
I have prepared for this moment for a long time and in the back of my mind I knew it would happen. I’m ready to let her go. In many ways she is already gone. I will miss her friendship. We have a great relationship with each other except for sex. But, I also know it isn’t just me. For a good sexual relationship, you need two willing partners and she just isn't willing. I have no regrets in trying to heal our marriage. The last four years have made me a better man. I know the love I am capable of giving. I know I will be fine.
What I fear most is what this will do to our children. One of my greatest desires was to be an example to our boys of how a husband she love and honor his wife and for my daughter to show her what she should expect from a loving husband. I have failed in that area and it hurts.
My wife is an exceptional mother to our kids. She also thinks I am a wonderful father. I don’t think we will have a problem in sharing parenting while separated. I know it will be difficult but I think we want the best for them.
Well, I’m going on too much. I would like anyone’s opinion about our situation especially if there is any common ground.
Best regards,
SHA