I was writing to a friend of mine that has been helping me with all this. Well I wrote her a email and accidently sent it to my wife. She is going ot be soooo made at me. What should I do

I will attach what I wrote. OMG she is never going to speak to me again.

I WROTE
Yes you are very correct about Heather s mothering skills, she does treat those kids like they are in her way. Also I know that Heather has a boy friend. But he has told her that he wants nothing to do with her children. I cant even think about being with someone that doesn't like my kids. You see the only reason she is with him is because he has money. Oh get this he is like 40 something as well. She has told people she likes him because he is like a fantasy for her. Come on Heather grow up. She is trying to live her childhood again and my boys are paying the price.

No I don't want to go back to her with the way it was. There will have to be changes in our marriage to make it work. I am willing to do this because I do love her. It does hurt me to think about her being with other men, but I was no angel this last fall. I can forgive but no I will never forget. I will just have to place it in the back of my head like I did before.

I don't know Stacy. I love her more than anything. Not wanting me is one thing but the way she is treating those special boys is killing me. For now my focus is to get home and start a new life for me and my boys. If Heather were to ever pull her head out of her [censored] then she can be part of that life. But I bet you when she finally comes around (if ever) I may be gone and she will be lonely forever because she will never find anyone who loves her as much as I do.

Where did you hear about Heather's boy friend? I think she is just acting out right now trying to get some attention. If you wanted a divorce would you still have pictures of the man you were divorcing in your house?

I have thought about weather or not my mind was cloudy right now. But its not. I know there are some major problems and they may never be fixed. I just want the peace of mind that I never gave up. SHE DID.

Thank you so much for talking with me. I always love talking with someone.

Talk at you later .....Danny

I don't know if we can help much with this one.

Others that have done similar things told their spouse that they were venting feelings of frustration to a friend and they asked forgivness. Perhaps you could calmly compose another SHORT letter to her doing this and then send it so she can read them both one after another.

I wish I could help more.

Any other ideas from out there?

SS

I am having a panic attack right now. All that work that I had possibly acomplished down the toilet because I clicked the wrong button. I feel like a real jack [censored].
Can someone go to her house and delete it for me. This sucks so bad. I attacked a mothers motherhood. She is going to be so angery. I may as well get ready for the divorce pappers.

if she hasnt retrieved it cant you unsend it??

Buddy,

The world will not end. She is with another man so this email is not really going to matter long term. Maybe it will wake her up maybe it will piss her off, but the point is this is the way you feel and bottom line she should know the whole truth anyone. Maybe you did it on purpose in a unconscious way. But in the end it will not make or break you. Besides, you are the wronged party here so why should you feel guilty and worry about what she is thinking and feeling right now.

Good luck

My life is over. She just called me on the phone and is not that mad about the letter but says she doesnt want me.

Im filing for a DV tomoroww

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Im filing for a DV tomoroww
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take a deeeeep breath and relax a second.

Now, if she doesn't want you, then let HER file. Don't do her work for her. Don't make it that easy for her.

JMHO
S.

She says she wont do it. Not until I get home. She says because of the money that I get for the family because Im in the military. I give a rats [censored] about the money.
We had a major LBing phone talk. She says she is not seeing anybody right now. She says she does not love me and never really loved me. She says that she forced herself to love me. Then she started bring up a lot of bad stuff that I did in the past. She says I never once cooked her dinner, petty stuff like that.

She says that she wants to fall madly in love wiht somebody. Feel that feeling of lust for someone. She says that she never felt that way to me. I know shes lieing about that.

I told her I would buy her HNHN's and to please read it. She said NO. I told her if not for me than for her next marriage.

I guess I need to go to plan B. I love her more than anything. Why wont she give me a chance.
Im really starting to hurt a lot. I have never cried so much in my life
Danny

Danny,
You have a right to cry. You have a right to feel bad. You are hurt, and you are afraid.

This is what we have been trying to tell you. Lets go through it again. Please don't feel like I am lecturing you, this is hard to get and it takes all of us time.

She says she wont do it. Not until I get home. She says because of the money that I get for the family because Im in the military. I give a rats [censored] about the money.
This is not your enemy, this is your friend. It gives you the time you need to do plan A. A is where you need to stay for a few months. Of course you don't care but Financial Support is one of her emotional needs. You have a chance to meet it and suck up to her while doing it. Sorry to sound so crude, but that's kind of what it is.

We had a major LBing phone talk. She says she is not seeing anybody right now. She says she does not love me and never really loved me. She says that she forced herself to love me. Then she started bring up a lot of bad stuff that I did in the past.
All of us sometimes have major LB'ing talks. It'w what we do after when we are calm again that gives us chances. So she doesn't love you and never did. If you read others stories here, THIS IS WHAT THEY ALL SAY. IT IS WHAT HAPPENS IN ALMOST EVERY CASE.

Here is a line I want you to say over and over until you have it memorized.
" I will not take what she says at face value."
Repeat at least 100 times. Say it in your mind when you talk to her on the phone and when you read mail from her.

She says I never once cooked her dinner, petty stuff like that.
Bingo. Now we are getting somewhere. Petty to you, major EN to her. WE ARE DIFFERENT. WE ARE DIFFERENT. WE ARE DIFFERENT.
She just gave you some valueable information. Now more than ever you should see what DR Harley is saying about meeting needs filling love banks. We need to learn to give them what they want, not what we want for ourselves. The world is full of husbands that give their wives what is important to the husband, and wives that give husbands what the wife wants. If we want to have a happy and fulfilling marriage, we have to learn to see what we call "petty" as being important, because it is to them.

Starting to see? I hope this is making sense. Like I said before, it took me a long time. Don't feel bad. The thing is, you have to want to do something about it, you have to want to change and then put in effort. It comes easier after a while, it really does.

She says that she wants to fall madly in love wiht somebody. Feel that feeling of lust for someone. She says that she never felt that way to me. I know shes lieing about that.
Exactly. But you can learn to meet her needs, and she will feel those feelings for you. First you need to learn that she is pushing your buttons to test you. And you need to stop failing the test. Then you need to learn how to meet her needs and do it consistantly for a few months. Then and only then she starts to trust you and feel love again for you.

I told her I would buy her HNHN's and to please read it. She said NO. I told her if not for me than for her next marriage.
My feeling is it would be better for you to show her the changes in you and then when she starts to be curious you can tell her where you learned it. Now she has told you no, honor her wishes.

I guess I need to go to plan B. I love her more than anything. Why wont she give me a chance.
She is giving you a chance. She said she won't D until you come home. You have a chance to show you can change and that you are safe and that she can trust you. I suggest you quit with the Reationship talks until you can learn what to say and you can stay away from LB's. That takes - Oh, say 3 or 4 months. See what we were saying about time?

Danny, this is how it usually goes. Almost word for word like it usually happens. If you had gotten "Surving an affair" by Harley, you would have been able to have a script for almost everything she would say. I believe that is the next book you should read.

Im really starting to hurt a lot. I have never cried so much in my life.
You can get through this. You can actually come out of this better and stronger and happier than you were before. Please trust me on this one. No matter what happens, you can be much happier than you are now. That is a by product of plan A if done properly.

Plan A lets her see how good you really can be.
Plan B shows her how much she will miss that new improved you. If you don't do a good plan A first, then plan B has no effect. So, not good to do plan B yet.

Tell me if this makes sense.

SS

Here is a quote from another thread, I think it applies to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote from Just a wifey 2002
Please...be careful of making any life-changing decisions right now. I find that during a crisis...we too often make decisions based on purely the emotion we are feeling at the time (right now pain and rage)...and we make the wrong decision...because our focus is so narrow.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

There is nothing more in this world that would make me happier than to be with my wife once again.

This is killing me. She says I never cooked her dinner. I did a few times. But I made her breakfast a lot. I cant cook, I am embarassed by that. But you know what I did the dishes 90% of the time and would clean, give kids baths or other chores around the house. She makes it sound like I never did a damn thing.

She keeps saying that I wanted her to be my mother. That is so not true. I did most of the house cleaning around there. She did most of the laundry so I thought it was split prety good. She says that I always yelled at her when I would clean the house. In fact she would start nagging at me when I would do the cleaning. Then I would really lay into her. I have no problem cleaning the house but when I would have to come home from being at work and have to clean yeah I would be a little angery. But thats only becasue she was home all day long doing nothing. Than she would get feel guilty at me because I wanted to clean the house. She would imidatly start to push my buttins until we were fighting.

With that letter I wrote to my friend. My W started in on me saying that her kids are number one. Yeah right. When I was home for 8 days last week, the kids stayed with me the whole time. Well when I flew back, the second night the kids were home with her she got them a babysitter and was gone from 6 to 12. Now she should have been very well rested form the kids and knows that the kids needed her becasue I just left. She also keeps yelling at me that our six year old is a little [censored] and is going to live with me when I get home. Her just saying that breaks my heart. If your kids are number one than how can you call him names like she does and want him to go live with his father.

I dont want to split those two boys up. They are best friends and love one another so much. But yet if I tell Travis no then he is going to feel rejected from both his parents. His mother is already telling him that he is going to live with me.

You see Travis (the oldest) was my wifes world then came Tyler. Well Tyler had open heart surgery when he was a month old. Now because this and because Tyler is so kind hearted he gets all the special love and attention. Travis is always coming in second with his mom and you see Travis is a very smart kid and sees this. Well he treats her like crap back. Almost like he is crying out for attention from his mommy. I see it everyone sees it

I am not the only person who is noticing the way my W is treating our kids and it not just family members. I know it will be a major love buster but should I really tell her what I think about her and our children?

I dont know. I just think she is being very stupid on not even wanting to see if we can fix this marriage. She says she is not seeing that guy any longer but I dont belive her. She keeps telling me that I was the perfect first husband. That really hurts me.

So no Im not going to throw in the towel just yet. But I have been questioning myself if she is even worth all this emotion I am going through.

Sorry for being so long....Thanks....Danny

Still Seeking
I know what you are saying about me needing for her to meet her EN and I have noticed that. But you see I am so far away so she cant see the changes in me. I would have never minded cooking for her. All she had to do was ask. Im not very good at it and embarassed by that so no Im not going to offer. But than I made up for it in other area's.

If she notices things that I can change why wouldnt she want to try and make this work. She wont even give me the slightest chace. If i came home tomorrow she would file for a DV.

I know it is going to take time but I am feeling like the more time I take the further she slips away. You see she already says things would have been differnt if i would have told her ow I felt even a couple of months ago. Also my wife has a very active sex drive and I am afraid that Im not going to want to be with her.

Well I think I have writen enough for tonight for all you to read and no SS I will never think of you as just lecturing me. Thak you so much
Danny

Danny,

Well the misdirected e-mail isn't the smartest thing done by the BS but not the dumbest either..... stick around a while we have a bunch of stories to share!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe a positive point? She might think she has insight to you and now is anxious to see who else you are speaking your heart out to. See she may have already done that with an OM or others. You never know the thinking process of those in the fog. Some even claim they are not in the fog and then can't explain their way out of a bag!!! Very true.

So what to do? Well don't be stuck apologizing forever. Admit it wasn't smart to show your pain but don't over apologize for it. Then just move forward. She may periodically ask what else you said or are saying. So maybe you can reap a minor benefit from this goof up.

I call this making lemons out of lemonade syndrome. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Also don't expect too many positive reactions or even normal reactions from her right now. Expect that she will contradict you no matter how logical you sound.

Why is this important? Because knowledge that this could happen will help you from getting too depressed when it does. Your anxiety attacks will lessen because you were somewhat aware it could happen.

Being forwarned is being forarmed.

take care,
L.

You messed up not in that it went to your wife but that you intended for it to go to a female who is NOT your wife or your professional counselor.

Never discuss marital probs with someone of the opposite sex.

Find a guy friend to email to. Cut off the emails to Stacy.

Ok today is a new day. I still want to be married more than anything. Yesterday I had a melt down.

Can someone please tell me that I can do this. If you need it be I can sit down and write out everything that has happened.

Tomorrow I go to see a counselor for the first time. If I dont like her Im going to see if I can afford to call someone here.

Im going to continue a plan A for now. Im going to really work on getting home because I know if I stay here she will slip further and furter away.

I wish I knew what my W was thinking. She makes it sound so convencing that it is over. She even told me that someone she was talking to asked her how old she was and she told them she was 25. Then she says to them no wait Im 28. Then shy tells this person she said 25 because she feels like she lost the past three years because I guilted her back form the last seperation and that she hasnt loved me. Thats a bunch of bull. Last time yeah I was doing the same thing but much worse. The begging the crying all that crap. Then finally I said enough was enough and I started seeing a friend of mine and had little contact with my wife. Well after about three weeks I told my friend that I was not ready to be dating yet and I still love my wife. So I just started to live for me and my kids and the next thing you know my wife called me to work things out.

I know I should be doing (ecept the dating part) the same thing this time. But you know what its hard to do being so far away because she saw me changing and moving away from her the last time. Here she cant see that so she still feels what she is doing is right. Maybe it is, I dont know.

I told her why cant you just test the waters with me. You will have nothing to lose and your family to gain.

She can be so stuborn. She keep saying to me last night that you are to late I am over you. So I asked here why you never called me wanting to work things out, how come you never asked me to stay in Germany to see if we can fix things. She says because she has to much pride. Thats great, her kids are going to have divorced parents at very young ages because of HER pride. Wow do you think that is fog or what?

So I hope somebody can help me out with todays thought. I really appriciate what you all are doing for me. I will never forget all the things you do.
Dan

Hey guys I know your all busy to but Im in need of some words of encouragement. PLEASE

I was in better spirits earlier but now Im having a panic attack and feeling very alone right now.

Danny

Hi Danny,
I work in a retail store, and if I am at my desk, I try and answer more quickly, but some days I "get" to do other stuff, so not much help then.

This trip you are on will be difficult.

Orchid said this in her last post:
Also don't expect too many positive reactions or even normal reactions from her right now. Expect that she will contradict you no matter how logical you sound.

Why is this important? Because knowledge that this could happen will help you from getting too depressed when it does. Your anxiety attacks will lessen because you were somewhat aware it could happen.

She is right on, you should just work your plan, and ignore it when W says it is finished. See, they all say that. The ones that come back and re-build their marriages say that, so you have to have some faith that things may work out. I admit that sometimes things don't work, but you want to have the knowledge that you did all you could do.

You talked about how you did do some things around the house, and I believe you. What she says will be partly false, partly true. It will however give you clues as to how you can better meet her needs.

I know you are concerned about needs you can't meet right now. We often worry about things we can't change. I suggest you worry about ( and spend time thinking about) the ones you can do something about. That is where your effort needs to be. Don't burn up your energy with things you can't change.

Make a list of what needs you know she has that you can work on from afar. Communication, admiration, affection. These can all be done over the wires at least to some degree.

You can encourage the kids to help their mom, you can make sure you take care of her financial needs and a few perks too.

Like Orchid said ( at least I think is was she,) do it slow, a little bit at a time.

One of my best friends swore he would never marry the girl that he is now married to. She did something once that really turned him away. He told me he would never have anyting to do with her again, but she kept slowly making deposits in his love bank. They have been married over 25 years now. Mostly happily.

Keep making deposits.

Remember that this is based on the fact that when you are nice to someone there is more chance that they will like you. Be nice to her.

We'll give you a little bit as often as we can, just like you should do for her.

SS

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Danny,

Don't lose hope. Your W sounds like she really knows how to push your buttons. I bet if you work on YOU first, you'd be in a much better position to deal with your M. You sound like a very intelligent, sensitive guy so use those traits to do some self-inventory. It will help you individually, hopefully with your M and definitely with your children.

In regards to your mis-directed e-mail, I'm not sure if I have the facts straight, but it sounds like you were separated at the time and she had a boyfriend, correct? Well, if that's the case, I think that deserves a little lashing out, which I think we've all been guilty of at one time or another.

I'm sure you think your W deserves the world, but you can't forget about yourself. Love yourself, and the rest becomes a little easier.

Good luck.

Well yesterday was hard day for me. But something a little strange happened. Im not looking at it as hope just something that has puzzled me.

After all your advice I decided to not listen to you all about buying her the book HNHN. I flat out asked her if she would read it if not for our marriage than for her future ones.

Well of course she wrote back NO and when we were talking on the phone (after the mis sent letter) I asked her if she was going to read it because I told her it was on the way. Once again she said a very firm NO way.

I did order the book but something was wrong with the credit card number so they e mailed her about it. My W in turn forwarded me the message so I could fix it. I fixed it and accidently sent it back to the W ( it was 2:30 in the morning for me I was very tired). She noticed the mistake right away and e mailed me back to tell me.

So its all fixed now I think. But if she was so dead set on reading it, all she had to do was not tell me about the mistakes. So I think she will read it. After I told her that I have read it twice along with some other books she sounded very surprised. She even told me that she has heard of HSHN's .

Maybe this is a tiny baby step or maybe not. We will see.

Gotto thank you for the words of encouragement. I am a very sensitive guy but for some reason my W doesn't get to see that side very often. Thats what I am going to work on. SS I always look forward to hearing from you, Thank you for being here for me

Lets hope today will be a better day. I get to finally go and see a counselor. I hope she can shead some light on this mess.

Danny

Don't be forcing these things on your wife. Don't try to educate your spouse. It is a LoveBuster.

After all your advice I decided to not listen to you all about buying her the book HNHN. I flat out asked her if she would read it if not for our marriage than for her future ones.
While in Plan A you don't point out that the marriage may end. You don't "help" her to learn about other relationships. Keep it all about your own.

But if she was so dead set on reading it, all she had to do was not tell me about the mistakes. So I think she will read it.
I doubt it. She was simply being nice because you messed up (yeah, right.)

Besides, HNHN is not generally a good book to read for a ws. It doesn't do anything to make them want to get back together. If anything it does the opposite, because they KNOW (this is sarcasm) they can never fall in love with you again.

She is not really a WS she is more of a walk away S. So I am hoping the book will let her see that our problems are very normal and most fixable.

This book showed me what I was doing wrong all these years. So maybe just maybe its worth a shot. I don't think it can get any worse right now and when she wrote me she didn't say a word about not wanting it. She would have told me if she didn't want it because its not in her nature to be nice about things. She will tell me just what she is thinking as long as its not a positive thought.

So I guess I will have to wait and see.

Danny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>There is nothing more in this world that would make me happier than to be with my wife once again.

This is killing me. She says I never cooked her dinner. I did a few times. But I made her breakfast a lot. I cant cook, I am embarassed by that. But you know what I did the dishes 90% of the time and would clean, give kids baths or other chores around the house. She makes it sound like I never did a damn thing.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what you said she only made it sound like you never made her dinner. That doesn not equate to you never did a damn thing. You just don't like to hear it because you feel you can't cook. Make her a meal next time you're home. It's what she really wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>
She keeps saying that I wanted her to be my mother. That is so not true. I did most of the house cleaning around there. She did most of the laundry so I thought it was split prety good. She says that I always yelled at her when I would clean the house. In fact she would start nagging at me when I would do the cleaning. Then I would really lay into her. I have no problem cleaning the house but when I would have to come home from being at work and have to clean yeah I would be a little angery. But thats only becasue she was home all day long doing nothing. Than she would get feel guilty at me because I wanted to clean the house. She would imidatly start to push my buttins until we were fighting.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So she was nagging and you would really lay into her by yelling. After reading MB do you really feel that was an appropriate response?

When you came home from work why did you have to clean? Who was forcing you to do this? Did your wife make you clean or did you just want a clean place and weren't happy with your wife's standards?

What a major LB to claim your wife was home doing nothing. Do you realize just how hard it is to do nothing? Perhaps you should ask her what she did during the day.

Of course she felt guilty when you started cleaning. You admit to being angry when you came home and felt you had to clean. I imagine she felt guilty about your anger. She probably also felt guilty at seeing you work on the house after spending a full day at work. Unfortunately your wife's and your tolerance levels for mess are different and more than likely your wife didn't think the house had to be cleaned that night.

Your wife can push your buttons all day long without you having to argue with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>
With that letter I wrote to my friend. My W started in on me saying that her kids are number one. Yeah right.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife is defending herself because you accused her of being a bad mother. This isn't really for you to judge. Instead you should have said, "I feel like my wife doesn't spend enough time with the children. It upsets me because of xyz. I would prefer it if my wife were to do abc."

Oh, and that last sarcastic comment of yours does soooo much to help everything. Now you're caught up in an argument over whether your wife is a good mother. She feels she is, you feel she isn't. You are going nowhere pretty fast.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>
When I was home for 8 days last week, the kids stayed with me the whole time. Well when I flew back, the second night the kids were home with her she got them a babysitter and was gone from 6 to 12. Now she should have been very well rested form the kids and knows that the kids needed her becasue I just left. She also keeps yelling at me that our six year old is a little [censored] and is going to live with me when I get home. Her just saying that breaks my heart. If your kids are number one than how can you call him names like she does and want him to go live with his father.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These two instances don't necessarily make your wife a bad mother. Out of curiosity, where are the children when you aren't home? My assumption is they are with your wife. You feel that because you spent 8 days in a row with your children without your wife that your wife should happily spend the remaining nights with them. I don't think that's really fair to say, especially when you're currently the part-time parent, not her.

Why do you have the right to judge whether your wife was rested? Why do you have the right to judge that she should automatically cancel any plans she has to stay home with the kids. It's okay for the children to have a babysitter, in fact it's good for them to see their parents have a life outside of the kids. Personally, I think you are jealous and want to know where she was those 6 hours. Would it have bothered you as much if she had gotten that babysitter so the two of you could go out?

When your wife yells at you about the 6 year-old how do you usually respond? While I don't condone calling children names, at least she's not telling the child that. It seems she has some issues with this child that need resolving. Why not support her and help her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>

I dont want to split those two boys up. They are best friends and love one another so much. But yet if I tell Travis no then he is going to feel rejected from both his parents. His mother is already telling him that he is going to live with me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to sit down with your wife and handle this and soon. I agree that they shouldn't be split apart. When you talk with your wife do not yell, call her names, judge her abilities or her morals. This may be hard, but you need to do it for your kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>

You see Travis (the oldest) was my wifes world then came Tyler. Well Tyler had open heart surgery when he was a month old. Now because this and because Tyler is so kind hearted he gets all the special love and attention. Travis is always coming in second with his mom and you see Travis is a very smart kid and sees this. Well he treats her like crap back. Almost like he is crying out for attention from his mommy. I see it everyone sees it
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give examples. Give examples of when you felt Travis came in second and didn't deserve it. Give examples on when Travis treats his mom like crap. How do you and your wife handle these situations?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
<strong>

I am not the only person who is noticing the way my W is treating our kids and it not just family members. I know it will be a major love buster but should I really tell her what I think about her and our children?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only if you have the ability to tell her what you think without judging her abilities as a mother, calling her names, or questioning her morals/standards. I agree you need to discuss the children with her. Why don't you write a pretend e-mail and let us help you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sandcrab:
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I dont know. I just think she is being very stupid on not even wanting to see if we can fix this marriage. She says she is not seeing that guy any longer but I dont belive her. She keeps telling me that I was the perfect first husband. That really hurts me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't want to fix a marriage with a man who thinks I'm a bad mother, stupid, and doesn't trust me either.

How do you reply when she says you were the perfect first husband?

April

Roan
First things first. I know it as wrong to attack my wifes mothering skills and I will never do it again. Also I want you to know that if I werent 5000 miles away from my children they would be with me all the time. I also understand that my W needs a break. But you missed something. My boys are very attached to me and when I have to go back to GERMANY they are very sad. I know W needs her time but dont you think that she could have waited a few more days for the kids to settle back into normal life.

Also you see my W starts work at 0600 in the morning. Most of the time the she drops kids off with grand parents the night before because she says its easier. Ok I can go with that. But you see my boys (whom are 5 and 4) tell me and the grand parents that they want to sleep at home more and when they are home mommy gets them a babysitter and goes out. The kids need all the love and stability they can get right now. There is more but Im not going to get into it because your right it is a major LB. I just want you to know that two seperate family memebers (both grandparents both sides of the family) and a outside of the family friend have came to me with consern about the boys. But thats all Im going to say about it.

I do know that the way I used to handel things between us was wrong. But I dont think it is grounds for a DV. Just something that we BOTH need to work on.

I do not think she is stupid not one bit. Also I was venting to you guys not to her. So she did not get all these mean things I was saying and she wasnt supose to get that email. I know that was my own fault.

Ok now I do want to talk to you about the house cleaning. So I am a bad person because I cant relax and enjoy my family in a dirty house. I would not say a word to her about me cleaning the house. I would just do it. SO how come I have to be the mean one because I wanted ( which I cleaned) a clean house for me and family. Its not like I would sit on my [censored] barking orders to the W about cleaning house. I saw that if I want a clean house that I should be the one to do it. If she really felt guilty about the house than maybe she should have cleaned it or atleast just helped me with out nagging me about it.

Well Raon. Im not going to comment on anything else because you are right I was attacking my wife. There are some issues right now that WE need to work out. I do know that she is not being her normal self. Because normally she is a wonderful mother and now things have changed. I see it and others see it.

What I do know is that I love her with all the heart and soul that is within my body. I am changing my ways everyday (learning where we went wrong and going to counseling). Weather she ever sees them is not up to me. There is nothing in this world that would make me happier than my wife just calling me and saying "lets talk". I know that I have done some bad things to my W but you know what she has done some pretty awful things as well. I dont know roan maybe your right I am just a [censored] (perfect first husband) and I diserve what I am getting. A divorce.

very sad and confused :-(
Danny