Wondering...is it me? - Marriage Builders® Forums

I am a BS my H has been repentant and he says faithful.
I am concerned, no one knows but us and the OW. We are in ministry abroad. We work with OW and H more closely than I.
I am sick of it, I do not like seeing her, dealing with her.
I asked H, if he could find anohter person to do her job, he said he would leave first. That was tough.
I am not able to talk about the A with him much, he says that we should move on and focus on the ministry together.
He has been more loving and considate than ever.
I feel like I am looking the other way to a HUGE wrong both to our marriage and to the minstry.
I wonder what you folks thinks and can you help me sort out what is going on in my mind.

N) it isn't you!! How can you just go on with constant contact between all of you? How can he expect you to recover and heal when he still sees her..just because he's sorry and says it won't happen again?!

If you both still work with her, I'm guessing that he expects you to be civil? That wouldn't work for me...the triggers must be horrible.

Have you and your H read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder? Dave is a minister and all of his stories/examples in book deal with Christians who had A's. Some of them were also ministers. If you haven't read it I would highly recommended it...it should set your H straight.

TA is great. So is Surviving an Affair, by Harley. No contact is crucial for your survival as a couple. If he has to leave the ministry to do that, well, that is a consequence of his actions. My personal opinion is that I don't think he should be alowed to continue inthe ministry he was in when this happened, until he has confessed and undergone appropriate church discipline, anyway, and I think that is consistent with scripture.

That is not what you want to hear, but that is reality. You will not heal, as a couple, as long as there is contact between them. If the OW is married, I would encourage you to make sure her H knows. Its best for them if she tells him, but, whatever works. If he has violent tendencies she should not tell him when they are alone.

You might want to click on the link in my sig line.

[ March 17, 2003, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]

Thank you so much for answering me. I feel so alone most of the time... it is hard for me to work and concentrate on things. I little energy for anything.
H tells me that he is focusing on the future and not the past. That he sees no good in "staying and dwelling on the event"
I question him from time to time if he is faithful, he asures me that he is. The OWH does not know anything. It freaks me out that H can go up and talk to him and even sell him our car!
I have asked H, if we leave, whould you stay with me. I have expresed to him that I feel like the only reason we are trying is so that he can stay here. But then I feel like that is a pity party. I have told him that I would like to leave, but he says nothing.
Just the other day a person called and asked us if we consider a position in the US at a church, he did not say no, and said that he would pray about it.
Please keep talking to me to help me sort out my thoughts.

Of course he wants to focus on the future, he wants to avoid the consequences of his betrayal and ignore the wreckage in his path. You can't "move on" until the problem is resolved, unfortunately, and sweeping it under the rug will not resolve it, but ensure that it happens again. And it probably will happen again since he has not cut off contact with the OW. That is the LEAST a wayward spouse can do.

There is NO recovery until contact is completely eliminated. Everytime he sees her, it puts his withdrawal back to square one and your "recovery" back to square one. I hate to say this, but you are not in recovery and you are only enabling him by allowing him to cover up this affair, ignore the damage and continue contact with the OW. You also are doing his ministry no favors by helping him hide what he has done. Do his superiors know what he has done?

From Harley:
"My experience helping couples recover from infidelity has taught me that any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation. Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair. Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction). But even in the very few cases when an affair is not an addiction, total separation of the spouse and lover is a necessary act of consideration for the feelings of the betrayed spouse. It's the very least a wayward spouse can do to compensate for the suffering caused by the affair. Continued contact with a lover simply perpetuates the suffering of the betrayed spouse indefinitely.

It's been my experience that without total separation, mutual love cannot be restored, resentment cannot be overcome and protection from the threat of another affair cannot be guaranteed. So when I counsel couples who want to reconcile after an affair, I insist on total separation of the unfaithful spouse and the lover with extraordinary precautions to guarantee that they never see or talk to each other again. "

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

[ March 17, 2003, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]

Why has the OWH's not been told...wouldn't the Christian, moral thing to do be to tell him? Doesn't he have the right to know and make his own decisions?

I would recommend telling your H that you don't want to dwell in the past, you want to discuss what lead to the A (In Torn Asuner lots of talk about processing the A and learning the messages from it), have your questions answered, learn what you both need to do differently and then move on!

If you haven't done any of these steps what is your reassurance that it won't happen again? How can you live like that? How do you know that the A has ended, if they are still in contact? How can his concious as a minister let him get by with continuing to work with OW and with not letting OWH know?

Again...I would buy and read Torn Asunder ASAP!

I don't mean to be critical but it sounds like you are sacrificing your need to recover to make your H happy! This will backfire on the both of you. You both need to face what happened and deal with it appropriately, without skipping steps.

NC is a vital first step! You have every right to insist on this.

Remember you have rights too!! Good Luck!

thank you thank you, I feel this but think that I am not allowing ourselves to heal.
How can I approach the topic without having him shut down and turn off.
I start the discussion and he clams up and goes to sleep.
Please keep it coming, some how I thought I was not allowed to demand or require all of these things.
As far as the OWH, I dont know...

[ March 17, 2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: anchorhugger ]

Does anyone have stats on the WS and OP working together?
I feel that H does not have to deal with the consequenses of his actions but I am living them everyday.

If he willnto read Torn Asunder with you, from beginning to end, and discuss each chapter with you along the way, then tell the OW's H and tell his superiors. That will get his attention. Radical? Yes.

I agree with John. Something has to wake him up.

Buy that book, Torn Asunder ... and read it yourself. If your H won't read it, give it to OW's husband after you're finished reading. When OW's husband asks you why you think he should read Torn Asunder, tell him, "Ask your wife."

That ought to work.

NOT talking about it will drive you and your H further apart. Tell your H this, "I need to heal from this, and so do you. We will talk about "it" to help ourselves heal."

Where in the world are you?

Pep

Can you please pray that I am able to address this in a timely fashion and in a way that will help us to heal.
I feel that if I push too hard it will all fall apart.
I feel like I have to be one one walking on egg shell, but I did not do it!
H has been caring, and considerate but does not understand or see the place that it puts me in.

In a latin country

[ March 17, 2003, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: anchorhugger ]

Can you order books online and have them shipped to you?

Not possible, other than the duty and the cost of sending, sometimes the item never arrives... I will have to get it next time I go to the US.
But in the mean time will you pray for us... I mean pray that the Lord open the eyes of H and that he can see what is happening. He is good man and I know that he loves the Lord. But it is that he has scales over his eyes and I don't think that I am the one that can remove them. He needs some one from the outside... Pray for us please.

I am so sorry. All of the above advice is so good, so many here at MB have lived this!

Your H wants to move ahead and sweep this under the rug and as a person in the ministry I don't know how he can see this as anything but lying! He is concealing the A from the OW's H as well and that is dishonest. If the two of you are to move forward, this must be dealt with.

He does not want to deal with it because the consequences will be great. He will be embarrassed and his integrity will be compromised. Too bad, we must live with the decisions that we make and your H most certainly knows this. He is lying to himself as well as others.

To continue in his ministry while working with the OW and not disclosing the A is dishonest. I don;t know the circumstances, but he is most likely afraid of losing his job. If this comes out from anyone other than himself he will deserve to lose his job. He MUST confront his sin and deal with it.

The OW's H has a right to know what has happened. By covering for your H, you are also involved. Is there someone else in the ministry that you and your H could confide in? Someone is going to need to tell the OW's husband.

As others have said, they CANNOT continue any contact if your marriage is to survive. Why in the world should YOU go around walking on eggshells? Your H should be the one to confess his sin and repent and move on with his life. You did not do anything wrong and should not have to cover for him. One of them needs to leave this job. They cannot continue contact.

If youe H is in the ministry, he knows that his actions are against the teachings of the bible. There is forgiveness and grace. He is afraid of the consequences and is living with this ugly secret. It must be eating him up inside.

Is there a possibility of getting him to read these answers?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by anchorhugger:

But it is that he has scales over his eyes and I don't think that I am the one that can remove them. He needs some one from the outside... Pray for us please.<hr /></blockquote>Anchor, but he doesn't have someone from the "outside," he has you. You are his wife, his helper. And if you won't help him, then who will? I know it is tough to risk having him mad at you, but your marriage is in serious trouble here and I pray that God gives you the courage to face it and take steps to correct the damage.

Does the OW husband know of the affair? Surely he is not going around your husband completely oblivious to the fact that your H has had an affair with his wife?

I would love for him to read here, but he is not interested. He thinks that I am wallowing in the event and not trying to get over it by coming here.
He did start to read the SAA, but our schedule is getting so frantic it is more difficult every day.
He thinks that when I want to talk about the A, which I reluctantly do, I just am out to make him feel guilty.
I ask things like, do you miss being with her?
Have you had any trouble with tempation?

I know that when we pray the Lord is able to work, that is why I am asking all of my friends here to lift him and me up in prayer.
God has an answer, I want to have the wisdom and strength to know what it is and be able to follow Him when He speaks to me.

I do need to stand up for me more, it just seems so hard.
the OWH is separated from his W. he has is own set of troubles, he is living with and OW. It is a real soap opera.

Don't know if he cares, it is all muttled.

I just want us to be heathly and stronger because of it.

I have seen in the past, that when my H hears from God and knows that it is Him, he listens. I know you are thinking, well I am sure God told him not to have the A...
But see him praying more and see some of the traits that were there before the A.
Like I said, pray for me to know when to speak, how to speak and what to say.
I need your support, I have no other support other than you guys.

/\

So, he's not interested in reading a site called "Marriagebuilders"? and tells you that you are wallowing? HE is in denial about what he did. HE is the one who is not willing to be a christian and a good husband and work through his actions.

He is making you feel guilty for his actions. He is controlling you!

You say that you have SAA but your schedule is too frantic to read it??? What could a christian husband have to do that is more important than healing his marriage? There is nothing more important right now than your relationship and his actions are showing that he is not man enough to admit what he did and face the consequences.

As long as he continues to work with the OW, you will not be able to put your relationship on the road to recovery. Is his ego, his job, his image worth more than your marriage? For someone who works in the ministry, I find this totally in conflict with his Christianity.

Please tell him that this site is about saving marriages, it is full of those who have been on both sides of infidelity. There are a lot of Christians here, we are not here to judge each other, but to help each other!

Your H is supressing what he has done out of shame. He is throwing away your marriage to save his own skin. This is prideful and arrogant and I certainly wish that he would look to the bible and it's teachings and put others first.

He may think that because of what he has done he is unworthy, if this is the case then how can he feel worthy to continue in his ministry? Again, this contradicts Christianity. He must ask for forgiveness and face the reality of what he did. It is not easy, but if he is to continue in the ministry, it is essential.

PLEASE ask him to spend 30 minutes reading here. Take him to the home page and show him that these issues can be dealt with and that in doing so, your realtionship can be honest and begin to rebuild.

Please try to talk to him about this without asking about the A. He is not talking to you now about any of it because he does not want to answer your specific questions. Reading the home section will be less personal and may help him open up.

Thank you for your responce LS58 hard but true.
I will discuss all of this with him.
But I am relying on you all to be praying for me, I feel that everyone has been so caring in helping me.
I am afraid, of the unknown, change, being alone, looking at the harsh truth.

just an update, I did talk with H, I hope all were praying.
H got defensive and said that when we are alone, all we talk about is the A. (Which I don't agree with at all). He asked why do I want him to continually pay and feel guilty.
Why can't I leave it and move on.
He told me that he loves me and is committed to our marriage.
H asked why must I rehash, reask and examine the A. I asked if it was right that we had not told any one. He told me that the only person he need to tell was me and he did. Then, I asked if one of the pastors did the same thing, would you want them to just keep it between themselves. (no answer)
I asked him, do you ever ask me how I am doing? How I am handling all of this? I wonder if we are being honest to others and ourselves.
I told him that I am still trying to understand the how and the why of it all.
It got rather tense, I just clammed up and turned away and asked God to help.
Sometime later, he said, so now you are mad at me.
I told him that I just want to understand, I want you to be my best friend again, where we could talk and share our heart no matter what. I miss that. I feel like I am the guilty person, I have to tip toe around, if I make a wrong move, BOOM, you will want to go back to OW. I fear that if I share what is inside of me that you will just tell me, it is not worth it and call it quits.

He laid their for a while then just went to sleep.
I knew that the conversation was over.

This morning he woke me, and told me that he loved me, and that what I share made him feel like I was sacrificing and I was holding it against him.
As we continued to talk, he brought up stuff that he had told me before that he was holding against me. Up until this morning, I never defended myself, I just listened. Today, I told him that I too, have things that I remember from the past that have hurt me. I told him of some and he listened.
I asked him if he was committed to me, in ministry or out. On the field or off.
He told me that he was. He added, that he wanted to continue to talk about what we have discussed later today.
That was it for today.

Sounds like a start! Have you considered printing out this whole thread and reading it to him or letting him read it? He can then read your thoughts and feelings in a non threatening way, as well as all the advise you've been given. My FWH reads here all the time, it has really helped him in his recovery.

Also Dave Carder the fellow who wrote the book Torn Asunder also does counseling..can't remember who but someone on the recovery board counsels with him. I think he has a website as well..do an internet search on his name...maybe you can buy the book directly from him and have it shipped.

You both really need to read that book! I think I remember Dave being a minister.

Thank you for your support and ideas.
I like the idea of printing out this and giving it to him, yet I like that I can share openingly. Would I feel differently if I knew I was going to share it with him later... mmmnnn I don't know.
I do want him to see more deeply what is happening.

It is kind of freaky, cause one of the people in the church is seeking H out, because her H is having an affair. I ask him what he thinks about it. He stays pretty quiet. I ask if he could see the fog that the H is in, or the pain that the W is in. He doesn't say much. You just wonder what is happeing behind the eyes.
I have been praying that the Lord would use the counseling sessions to open his eyes and tender his heart. I think it is.
Please keep me on track....
I need you guys!

Things have been smoother all day... Prayer works

H came home a little early last night. I enjoyed that.
I determined that I was not going to talk to him about the A, consequences or anything of that nature.
We had a good evening, played with Grandkids, we were both tired and went to sleep.
I hope I am doing the right thing....
Comments Please