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#1063635 03/17/03 08:16 PM
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So, he's not interested in reading a site called "Marriagebuilders"? and tells you that you are wallowing? HE is in denial about what he did. HE is the one who is not willing to be a christian and a good husband and work through his actions.

He is making you feel guilty for his actions. He is controlling you!

You say that you have SAA but your schedule is too frantic to read it??? What could a christian husband have to do that is more important than healing his marriage? There is nothing more important right now than your relationship and his actions are showing that he is not man enough to admit what he did and face the consequences.

As long as he continues to work with the OW, you will not be able to put your relationship on the road to recovery. Is his ego, his job, his image worth more than your marriage? For someone who works in the ministry, I find this totally in conflict with his Christianity.

Please tell him that this site is about saving marriages, it is full of those who have been on both sides of infidelity. There are a lot of Christians here, we are not here to judge each other, but to help each other!

Your H is supressing what he has done out of shame. He is throwing away your marriage to save his own skin. This is prideful and arrogant and I certainly wish that he would look to the bible and it's teachings and put others first.

He may think that because of what he has done he is unworthy, if this is the case then how can he feel worthy to continue in his ministry? Again, this contradicts Christianity. He must ask for forgiveness and face the reality of what he did. It is not easy, but if he is to continue in the ministry, it is essential.

PLEASE ask him to spend 30 minutes reading here. Take him to the home page and show him that these issues can be dealt with and that in doing so, your realtionship can be honest and begin to rebuild.

Please try to talk to him about this without asking about the A. He is not talking to you now about any of it because he does not want to answer your specific questions. Reading the home section will be less personal and may help him open up.

#1063636 03/17/03 08:52 PM
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Thank you for your responce LS58 hard but true.
I will discuss all of this with him.
But I am relying on you all to be praying for me, I feel that everyone has been so caring in helping me.
I am afraid, of the unknown, change, being alone, looking at the harsh truth.

#1063637 03/18/03 10:12 AM
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just an update, I did talk with H, I hope all were praying.
H got defensive and said that when we are alone, all we talk about is the A. (Which I don't agree with at all). He asked why do I want him to continually pay and feel guilty.
Why can't I leave it and move on.
He told me that he loves me and is committed to our marriage.
H asked why must I rehash, reask and examine the A. I asked if it was right that we had not told any one. He told me that the only person he need to tell was me and he did. Then, I asked if one of the pastors did the same thing, would you want them to just keep it between themselves. (no answer)
I asked him, do you ever ask me how I am doing? How I am handling all of this? I wonder if we are being honest to others and ourselves.
I told him that I am still trying to understand the how and the why of it all.
It got rather tense, I just clammed up and turned away and asked God to help.
Sometime later, he said, so now you are mad at me.
I told him that I just want to understand, I want you to be my best friend again, where we could talk and share our heart no matter what. I miss that. I feel like I am the guilty person, I have to tip toe around, if I make a wrong move, BOOM, you will want to go back to OW. I fear that if I share what is inside of me that you will just tell me, it is not worth it and call it quits.

He laid their for a while then just went to sleep.
I knew that the conversation was over.

This morning he woke me, and told me that he loved me, and that what I share made him feel like I was sacrificing and I was holding it against him.
As we continued to talk, he brought up stuff that he had told me before that he was holding against me. Up until this morning, I never defended myself, I just listened. Today, I told him that I too, have things that I remember from the past that have hurt me. I told him of some and he listened.
I asked him if he was committed to me, in ministry or out. On the field or off.
He told me that he was. He added, that he wanted to continue to talk about what we have discussed later today.
That was it for today.

#1063638 03/18/03 11:44 AM
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Sounds like a start! Have you considered printing out this whole thread and reading it to him or letting him read it? He can then read your thoughts and feelings in a non threatening way, as well as all the advise you've been given. My FWH reads here all the time, it has really helped him in his recovery.

Also Dave Carder the fellow who wrote the book Torn Asunder also does counseling..can't remember who but someone on the recovery board counsels with him. I think he has a website as well..do an internet search on his name...maybe you can buy the book directly from him and have it shipped.

You both really need to read that book! I think I remember Dave being a minister.

#1063639 03/19/03 12:26 AM
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Thank you for your support and ideas.
I like the idea of printing out this and giving it to him, yet I like that I can share openingly. Would I feel differently if I knew I was going to share it with him later... mmmnnn I don't know.
I do want him to see more deeply what is happening.

It is kind of freaky, cause one of the people in the church is seeking H out, because her H is having an affair. I ask him what he thinks about it. He stays pretty quiet. I ask if he could see the fog that the H is in, or the pain that the W is in. He doesn't say much. You just wonder what is happeing behind the eyes.
I have been praying that the Lord would use the counseling sessions to open his eyes and tender his heart. I think it is.
Please keep me on track....
I need you guys!

#1063640 03/18/03 09:49 PM
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Things have been smoother all day... Prayer works

#1063641 03/20/03 12:18 AM
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H came home a little early last night. I enjoyed that.
I determined that I was not going to talk to him about the A, consequences or anything of that nature.
We had a good evening, played with Grandkids, we were both tired and went to sleep.
I hope I am doing the right thing....
Comments Please

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