Update to yesterdays advice by 4:30 thread - 02/24/04 04:03 PM
Before I go into how the afternoon played out I need to come clean with those who can look past my shortcomings and still offer constructive advice after I reveal what I have to. Since coming to MB I've seriously taken to heart the program of recovery that is spelled out within MB. Yet I've fallen short in my efforts.
Due to me still trying to control what happens I've been behaving like a friggin moron. The truth of the matter is that I've ben telling my BS that if she does go thru with the D that I will not have anything to do with our children and I will move out of state. I know this is a LB x 1000000 given where my BS and I are right now. I've stopped that line of attack and started to approach her in the manner that if she does proceed with the D I will be a part of the childrens lives as much as she'll let me.
I changed my tune this past week after this was dicussed in IC. It is a function of my issues with control and the repressed grief over losing my own father as a child. I truly do want to be a part of my boys lives if my BS does go thru with the D.
Now to last night. My BS text messaged me saying she was called into work and would it be alright if I brought the tax forms and my answer by her work instead of the house. I called her and told her it was fine with me. I also told her that right now I am up and down on an emotional roller coaster ride and its made me inconsitent with my behavior.
So I head out and meet her at her work. When I came in she had me come to one end of the bar away form the regulars who were there. While we took out the tax forms we began to talk and I screwed up. I told her I was thinking about resigning my position and starting over as an independant contractor. (this is something I've considered for a while, it would mean much better salary.) I know that I should not make any big decisions at this time. I know it was a LB as she immeadiately said, "ohh yeah, so you can screw me over with child support" I tried damage control as far as convincing her that if I did strike out on my own it would be as a legitimate company and that I wouldn't try and screw her.
As we talked she began to bring issues up as far as what I've done to her. Letting her become a full time mom and not work and then shatter her world by screwing someone. Those were the sort of things she said loud enough for all to hear. I answered her anytime she asked me a question and was open and honest, even given the public situation. (the embarrasment I felt must pale in comparison to hers.)
During this time a young man came in who could have been the OP she's been with since we've separated. When he came in and sat down she kind of shushed him as he began to say something and gave him a look. She went and got him some smokes and asked what he wanted to drink. He asked for Coors in a bottle. She replied they didn't have any bottled but had cans. He made a joking gripe about it and someone said "well at least we know why he comes here if its not for the beer"
When this was said my BS and the OM were looking at one another and I perceived they shared what I would call a "knowing smile". When this happened the entire mood in the bar changed as the regulars looked at me waiting for a response. I sat there with my hands on the bar, my heart was beating so fast and so hard it sounded like a freight train in my ears. Someone made a stupid joke to break the tension and one of the regulars who knows who I am got up to go to the restroom. My BS came back over and I told her that I needed to use the bathroom and get going soon as it was getting late.
I went to the bnathroom and asked the regular who knew me if her knew the guy who came in (OP). His response was a less than convincing no. I told him not to worry that I wasn't planning on causing any trouble that I needed to get going. He agreed and we walked out.
I went back to the bar and wanted to leave asap. I walked up to BS and told her that it was late and we needed to sign the taxes and I had to go. She was a bit upset as we had been having a discussion when all of the previous 3 paragraphs happened and I was like I gotta go now. I wanted to go because I was afraid I was losing control of my emotions and I felt I had to go before I did. So she signed the forms and I left.
Before I was 5 minutes away she called me and said "this is not an answer" and I lost signal and her call. I called her back and managed to get thru crappy reception to tell her I would call her back once I was in a better location. I called her back and asked her to start over as I barely heard her. She said that my letter was not an answer to why I had an A. I went on to explain what I was saying in the letter. I explained to her that I brought unresolved emotional issue to our marriage. I explained that she did not do or say anything to make it happen. I explained that it was the sum of things that were wrong in my life both from childhood and present. She kept on insiting that she needed a more specific answer as to why I had the affair. She seemed to point the conversation towards my childhood issues as they may have seemed to be the biggest cause listed in my letter, at least thats what I perceived. I ended up conceding a single statement answer for her that was worded as such (almost verbatim):
"I came into our relationship as damaged goods. I was damaged somewhere in shipping and was never fixed along the way. I never saw the issues for what they were but I do now and I'm begining to fix them."
After that the conversation was pretty much finished. I asked if she worked today and who would have the boys if she did so I could call them. She told me she'd let me know and I told her I missed her and that I'd talk to her later and thanked her. She said y/w and goodbye. End of night.
I know I have a lot of 2x4 coming out of storage and I know how much beeter things would be if I had been able t be completely open in my posts here. If someone is extra harsh to me, no need to berate them. I certainly deserve it. But please, I need help and outside of sitting in IC every day of the week, this place keeps me hopeful.
-2soon
Due to me still trying to control what happens I've been behaving like a friggin moron. The truth of the matter is that I've ben telling my BS that if she does go thru with the D that I will not have anything to do with our children and I will move out of state. I know this is a LB x 1000000 given where my BS and I are right now. I've stopped that line of attack and started to approach her in the manner that if she does proceed with the D I will be a part of the childrens lives as much as she'll let me.
I changed my tune this past week after this was dicussed in IC. It is a function of my issues with control and the repressed grief over losing my own father as a child. I truly do want to be a part of my boys lives if my BS does go thru with the D.
Now to last night. My BS text messaged me saying she was called into work and would it be alright if I brought the tax forms and my answer by her work instead of the house. I called her and told her it was fine with me. I also told her that right now I am up and down on an emotional roller coaster ride and its made me inconsitent with my behavior.
So I head out and meet her at her work. When I came in she had me come to one end of the bar away form the regulars who were there. While we took out the tax forms we began to talk and I screwed up. I told her I was thinking about resigning my position and starting over as an independant contractor. (this is something I've considered for a while, it would mean much better salary.) I know that I should not make any big decisions at this time. I know it was a LB as she immeadiately said, "ohh yeah, so you can screw me over with child support" I tried damage control as far as convincing her that if I did strike out on my own it would be as a legitimate company and that I wouldn't try and screw her.
As we talked she began to bring issues up as far as what I've done to her. Letting her become a full time mom and not work and then shatter her world by screwing someone. Those were the sort of things she said loud enough for all to hear. I answered her anytime she asked me a question and was open and honest, even given the public situation. (the embarrasment I felt must pale in comparison to hers.)
During this time a young man came in who could have been the OP she's been with since we've separated. When he came in and sat down she kind of shushed him as he began to say something and gave him a look. She went and got him some smokes and asked what he wanted to drink. He asked for Coors in a bottle. She replied they didn't have any bottled but had cans. He made a joking gripe about it and someone said "well at least we know why he comes here if its not for the beer"
When this was said my BS and the OM were looking at one another and I perceived they shared what I would call a "knowing smile". When this happened the entire mood in the bar changed as the regulars looked at me waiting for a response. I sat there with my hands on the bar, my heart was beating so fast and so hard it sounded like a freight train in my ears. Someone made a stupid joke to break the tension and one of the regulars who knows who I am got up to go to the restroom. My BS came back over and I told her that I needed to use the bathroom and get going soon as it was getting late.
I went to the bnathroom and asked the regular who knew me if her knew the guy who came in (OP). His response was a less than convincing no. I told him not to worry that I wasn't planning on causing any trouble that I needed to get going. He agreed and we walked out.
I went back to the bar and wanted to leave asap. I walked up to BS and told her that it was late and we needed to sign the taxes and I had to go. She was a bit upset as we had been having a discussion when all of the previous 3 paragraphs happened and I was like I gotta go now. I wanted to go because I was afraid I was losing control of my emotions and I felt I had to go before I did. So she signed the forms and I left.
Before I was 5 minutes away she called me and said "this is not an answer" and I lost signal and her call. I called her back and managed to get thru crappy reception to tell her I would call her back once I was in a better location. I called her back and asked her to start over as I barely heard her. She said that my letter was not an answer to why I had an A. I went on to explain what I was saying in the letter. I explained to her that I brought unresolved emotional issue to our marriage. I explained that she did not do or say anything to make it happen. I explained that it was the sum of things that were wrong in my life both from childhood and present. She kept on insiting that she needed a more specific answer as to why I had the affair. She seemed to point the conversation towards my childhood issues as they may have seemed to be the biggest cause listed in my letter, at least thats what I perceived. I ended up conceding a single statement answer for her that was worded as such (almost verbatim):
"I came into our relationship as damaged goods. I was damaged somewhere in shipping and was never fixed along the way. I never saw the issues for what they were but I do now and I'm begining to fix them."
After that the conversation was pretty much finished. I asked if she worked today and who would have the boys if she did so I could call them. She told me she'd let me know and I told her I missed her and that I'd talk to her later and thanked her. She said y/w and goodbye. End of night.
I know I have a lot of 2x4 coming out of storage and I know how much beeter things would be if I had been able t be completely open in my posts here. If someone is extra harsh to me, no need to berate them. I certainly deserve it. But please, I need help and outside of sitting in IC every day of the week, this place keeps me hopeful.
-2soon