Should I let the Affair Continue - Marriage Builders® Forums

My wife has been having and continues to have an affair with an old lover. He is married as well. This is his fourth marriage. It both our first marriage. He is 15 years older than her.
I discovered this affair by finding her emails. This affair has been going on for at least 2 1/2 years. When I confronted her she denied it at first until I showed her the evidence. She now admits the affair.

We both still love each other and have stated that we want to stay together. However, she does not want to stop seeing this man & has asked if I would allow them to continue their relationship. I don't want her to continue but I told her I would keep an open mind.

I am very torn by this question and am looking for some guidence as to whether or not I should agree to allowing her to continue.

No No NO NO NO NO H#LL NO!

It should not continue period. Contact the OM's wife and tell her. Obviously he has been married three times before so don't be shocked if adultery is the reason his other marriages ended.

Odds are his wife doesn't know so she has every right to know.

As far as being opened minded I think its pretty clear the part of your vows that said "forsaking all others" didn't include "but if you find someone you would like to add to the mix".

Not being harsh but my goodness man this is your marriage here. Furthermore it could be your health if he is a player and they are having unprotected sex whatever she catches you catch.

Dinitely a no. How can she love you and still see the other man? What kind of request is that?

I don't know. So far based on what I've heard I must either be the most caring & forgiving man on the planet or the world's biggest sucker. But I am just not ready to call it quits - yet. Maybe this will change.

I am for now putting off the negatives of getting divoraced or agreeing to an open marriage. I know that soon I must face one of these choices, neither of which I am looking forward to. What I really want is her to stop the affair and let us heal. I've read some of the other posts about NC (no contact) and I know that she must go the NC route, otherwise my marriage is doomed.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lbrad:
 I don't know. So far based on what I've heard I must either be the most caring & forgiving man on the planet or the world's biggest sucker. <hr /></blockquote>Or both? OK, not a sucker, but naive.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I am for now putting off the negatives of getting divoraced or agreeing to an open marriage. I know that soon I must face one of these choices, neither of which I am looking forward to. <hr /></blockquote>You may have already made the mistake common in society of not realizing a third choice: seeing the affair end and rebuilding your marriage. Now THAT'S something to look forward to - and very attainable.

Get hot ready all the material on this site. Order two books from the bookstore: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Or, you can find them from just about any on-line bookseller.

Also, read the link in my sig line below - and all the embedded links.

[ March 19, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

Ibrad,

First there is something you need to realize. You can be so open minded that your brains fall out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You didn't say how long you have been married, or if you have children, those are important pieces to the puzzle.

Listen to WAT, this not accept it or lose it time.

However, you may be a person that gets a kick out of sharing his W with another man. I don't understand that thinking, but if you do think this way more power to you.

However, if this is bothering you, and it appears that it does, then ask yourself how will it come to NOT bother you? Usually the answer is when you no longer love your W. So let't take this a step further, do you want a marriage where you don't love your spouse, and your spouse would choose the other man if push came to shove??

If the answers to these questions are as I suspect they might be, then the ONLY solution excluded is that you have an open marriage. Ever thought about open marriages? To my mind it is the worst of both worlds, you are financially responsible for someone, but other than that you are NOT married.

In any event, the opitimum situation is to have your W end her affair. I assume that this news has been pretty devastating to you and the pain will only get worse now that you know, until you come to a point that you don't care, the divorce won't be an option, it will be your only out.

So before that door closes do some research on marriages and affairs, read the articles here, post and ask question and work Plan A and Plan B. You can learn about them here, but it is better if you read Harley's books Survivng an Affair followed by His Needs Her Needs.

By the way, has her affair extended through most of your marriage?

Please think about these things and then post, ask questions, talk, and listen. The folks here will help you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You may not realize this but you are in a stronger negotiating position than you realize. For all of her bluster and ulitmatums, the fact remains if she leaves you or you leave her, she is left with a man significantly older than her who is on his fourth marriage. That is no bargin for her.
She just wants her cake and eat it to, so she is bargining with you. If you are firm that this has to end and you work on the marriage, the odds are pretty good, she will see the light.

[ March 19, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]

If we agree to allow more freedom in our marriage, we need to establish the basic ground rules. Based on what I have read, our relationship must remain primary & all others must be secondary. We need to avoid emotion attachments to others that threaten the primary relationship. I am afraid thought that she is already emotionally attached to him and this is somewhat threatening to me.

We have married for 9. This A has beeen 2 1/2. No kids.

DAMN IT. AT AGE 37 I DO NOT WANT TO START MY LIFE OVER AGAIN. If we split up I will be back to square one, emotionally, relationship wise, financially, etc. Why did this have to happen? I really wish that I could just fix everything but I can’t.
Our lives are so intertwined it will be difficult for me to separate myself. I have very few people whom I can say for sure will stick with ME if things go bad. Most of our current friends started out as her friends so this leaves with a very slim group for me to fall back on.

Hang in there Ibrad lot's of good help here trust me. I'm in the middle of my WW(wayword wife) A (affair) and she is living with OM (other man). With lot's of help from people here they made me realize that I have to be the strong one for both of us. From reading the Surviving an Affair book it's usually the BS (Battered Spouse) whos ultimate dicision if they want the divorce. Stay strong for you and your wife.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />If we agree to allow more freedom in our marriage, we need to establish the basic ground rules. Based on what I have read, our relationship must remain primary & all others must be secondary. <hr /></blockquote>Sounds good on paper but it just doesn't happen that way.

You already agreed to forsake all others and look how that's turned out. What makes you think another agreement would hold up any better? Especially one so ... slippery, difficult to nail down.

I sure hope JustJ hops in here. That kind of agreement just doesn't work.

The others are all correct, though. This isn't a "put up with it or leave" choice. You also have the choice to fix your M into the type of M you really want.
- Read up on Love Busters and Emotional Needs (Concepts link near top of page).
- Then read about Plan A and implement the very best one you can.
- Buy "Surviving an Affair" and read it. Everyone likes to recommend "His Needs, Her Needs" but I prefer "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" - so read them all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

When women get into an A it is almost always due to unmet needs. Be prepared to learn that although you were busting your tail making her the most beautiful coconut cakes in the world, guess what? She doesn't like coconut cakes. She likes apple pie. What I'm saying is even if you've been working hard at your M, open your mind to the idea that your efforts might be more effective if channeled differently. These books will help you see that, and how to improve.

Also be prepared to hear some pretty ridiculous things come out of your W's mouth like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I never really loved you" or "Why can't you just let me be happy" or "But we are soulmates". Gag. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is going to be a very long, slow road - two to five years is what I hear tossed around and at two years post DDay (discovery day) I'd say that's a pretty good ballpark figure. Whatever you do, don't make ANY major decisions for at least six months. Really. You'll be amazed how totally convinced you will be to throw in the towel one minute and that everything will be okay the next. It is a roller coaster.

Vent here, not to your W, and ask questions as often as you need to.

Thanks for advice TH.

Right now we are both in IC. My IC tells me that I am not ready to make any decisions until I stop beating myself up emotionally. I need to be able to face this with my thoughts & feelings in order. Not with my emotions all over the place.

brad

Have you told the other man's wife?

If you haven't then you are an accomplice to his decieving and cheating on her because you know about it and chose not to tell.

Making the all parties in an affair accountable is one way to find out if its fantasy or reality.

Hm. Yes. Well. Here I am. Hm.

Sigh.

Okay, lbrad. Let's get a few things straight.

I've been where you are, and way, way, way past it.

Let me tell you about how it works when you do an open marriage ETHICALLY. (Everyone else can disagree with me, but stick with me for a minute, here.)

In an ethical open marriage, you:

- Are transparently honest with your spouse. You share EVERY SINGLE THING that you spouse wants to know and that you want your spouse to know and that you think there might be a slight change your spouse might be considering interest in something in the distant future.

- NEVER EVER EVER act without obtaining your spouse's enthusiastic agreement. If there's something that you are doing that your spouse doesn't like, STOP IT. If there's something she's doing that you don't like, STOP IT.

- NEVER EVER EVER infringe on the 15 hours per week of alone time that you spend with your spouse. In fact, you might want to increase that to 20 or 30 hours given the strain an open marriage creates.

- Learn to end every single one of your punishing, manipulative, controlling behaviors.

- Learn to meet your spouse's needs to their utmost BEFORE you let someone else try to meet them.

If you want to have an open marriage, DO THIS STUFF FIRST. And learn to do it with easy stuff like who's going to take the trash out, not with hard stuff like who you're going to sleep with this weekend!

And then talk to me again in three or four years when you have it started (not finished) and we'll see what holes there still are in your marriage. And THEN maybe you'll be ready for an open marriage.

Right now? Jeeeezzzzzzzzzz. NO this is not the time to work on "accepting" the situation. This is the time to look your wife in the eye and be HONEST. "I am terribly hurt by your affair. I'm furious that you lied to me. I am nauseated by the thought of you with him. I am horrified that this is happening. I want you to end all contact with him. Forever."

Trust me, here, lbrad. Trust me like you haven't trusted anyone since you were holding your mom's hand when you crossed the street. THIS MAN IS POISON TO YOUR MARRIAGE. There is not one good thing that can EVER come out of accepting him.

Don't bother to try.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lbrad:


I am for now putting off the negatives of getting divoraced or agreeing to an open marriage. <hr /></blockquote>If you can live with an open marriage, I say go for it! But just know that she would have no reason to NOT replace her current lover when this affair dies out. If you don't mind sharing her for the rest of your life, then you are probably fine. But don't expect her to change. She won't change unless she has to.

The first thing you have to ask yourself is what do I want? If the answer is to save your marriage, then your first business is to follow Plan A/Plan B and read ASAP Dr Willard Harley's 'Surviving An Affair'.

As far as the idea of an open marriage is concerned, it has no place in a mutually exclusive relationship like marriage. It is one thing if you and your W had 'enthusiastically' agreed to one before the two of you got married, but for you to agree to one only after the discovery of her affair and your desire to prevent the breakup of the marriage, then you may as well start the divorce proceedings now for that is where your marriage will eventually end up if you accept the concept of an open marriage.

P.S. One last thought. Open marriages almost always benefit one side more than the other.

ibrad:

"DAMN IT. AT AGE 37 I DO NOT WANT TO START MY LIFE OVER AGAIN."

Gadzooks, I wish *I* was 37 again! Heck, I WAS, when my W's A first started. I've told her that I could have started over THEN if she'd DVd me instead of having the A. Now, 26 months after D-day, I still feel that I could start over if I have 2. And I may have 2. YOU have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you.

"If we split up I will be back to square one, emotionally, relationship wise, financially, etc. Why did this have to happen? I really wish that I could just fix everything but I can’t."

No, you can only fix yourself. But you will find that that is what will make all the difference 2 YOUR fu2re. And maybe your W's, 2.

"Our lives are so intertwined it will be difficult for me to separate myself. I have very few people whom I can say for sure will stick with ME if things go bad. Most of our current friends started out as her friends so this leaves with a very slim group for me to fall back on. "

How many of her friends do you think will approve of her infidelity? I say TELL.

-ol' 2long

My wife also is having a long term affair with an older married man. Eventually, she left me for him. IMHO, agreeing to allow you wife to continue the affair will simply delay the invevitalbe - divorce. You must take the 3rd route and fight to end the A and rebuild your marriage. It is the only option. You may or may not be successful, but at least you will have the satisfaction of doing the right thing.

Starting again at 37 sounds great to me. I am older than your WW's lover and I am now starting over again.

melody, thought another woman should join the conversation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

lbrad, your questions is "Should I let the A continue?" The only thing you can do is follow what everyone here has said. Read, read, read. I, too, prefer "Fall in love, stay in love." In fact, I gave it to my 4 best friends as a Valentine's day present. But should you let the A continue? You don't have control over what your WW does. You only have control over you.

So you have to get yourself on a program. So you read, you post, you pray, you work on yourself. Get into Plan A. Find out what needs your W has that you aren't meeting and just do it! If she was worth it in the beginning and you asked her to marry you and you've spent all this time together, why wouldn't she be worth fighting for now?

This is time for you to stand up and tell your WW that you love her, that you want her to stop the A and never, ever have contact with OM again. That you know you haven't been there for her and you want to be. That you know you helped to create the situation that led her to (and this next word is an important word here) CHOOSE to have an A.

So hey, buddy. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, follow all the advise here and Plan A your a$$ off. If you love her, you're gonna have to give it your all right now, and then some. And when you think you can't go on one more minute, post here. You'll find the wisdom and strength from someone. I know I wouldn't be around anymore if it weren't for MB and my very best friend in the whole world ... and of course, my H and my children. That goes without saying.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless.

[ March 21, 2004, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]

Until this happened I never told her she couldn’t do or go where she wanted. I never said that I need you hear with me or that I cant stand to be without you. I am not the controlling type and am not that clingy either. I never spied on her or pried into her affairs until now and I feel bad about having done it.

Yesterday, I reinforced my unhappiness about her A. She was silent the whole time.

I just hope is at least thinking about an exit strategy.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I just hope is at least thinking about an exit strategy. <hr /></blockquote>Just wait a doggone minute here. It sounds like you've given up. I tried to see how long you've known about A and didn't find that piece of information. So this has been going on for 2-1/2 years and I'm going to assume you just found out.

You cannot give up yet. If you read most of the posts where people have stayed together (and most A end and the M continues), some have known and gone through the roller coaster for years. Now I'm not saying you need to do that, but for goodness sake, give it some more time.

Follow the advice here. You've got some big guns giving you advice ... listen. Plan A. You did good by telling her how unhappy you are about A. Did you tell her you love her and want to stay married to her? Have you gotten any books? Did you read the Concepts on this site?

[ March 22, 2004, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]

Yes I reaffirmed that I love her & want to stay together. I am a paetient guy & will try to give it time. We are both in IC, with hope of coming together in MC in the near future.

Good for you. You're doing just fine. Hang in there!

I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It has only been 3 months since D Day

Ibrad,

You have known for 3 months and the A continues right? Have you stated firmly your feelings about the A and that you love your W? If not, do so.

Then go to plan A for awhile, let her family (parents particularly) what the trouble is and ask for their support in restoring your marriage. Do your very best plan A, because the next step is plan B. It sounds rough and it is, but with a good plan A, plan B is effective.

Why is it effective, it puts the pressure on OM to meet all of her needs all of the time. It saves what remains of your love or at least slows down its loss. It allows you to wait for the A to end. Why would it end? Well, most all of them do end eventually, but it is problematic if you will still want to be there when that happens. So plan B allows you to go longer. It also shows her what she is missing in you.

By the way, staying married because you are 37 and don't want to start over is NOT a good reason to be married. You are still very young. If you marry at 40 and are in good health you have ever reason to expect to have a Golden anniversary. Yup, 50 years of marriage after 40. So don't panic here OK?

Do a good plan A, and then be ready to go to plan B. That is the plan and I would strongly urge you to stick to it, prepare for it, and do what is necessary when it is time.

You will feel sort of like a doormat during Plan A, but you can and should set your boundaries with your W. Express them clearly, without anger, and consisely. Then stick to them. If she really violates them continually, you should be heading for plan B.

Please keep reading and posting, you can do this and no matter how it works out you will be able to look yourself in the mirror.

God Bless,

JL

I'm kinda new here.

Can someone explain Plan A & Plan B to me????

Ibrad,

You can find them in the Just Found Out section under Onegoing's thread. I have copied the thread here for you Onegoing

Just click on this and you will find alot of information.

God Bless,

JL

Should I let the Affair Continue?
You can stop it?

However, she does not want to stop seeing this man & has asked if I would allow them to continue their relationship. I don't want her to continue but I told her I would keep an open mind.
Why would you lie to her? You don't want it to continue. Tell her that.

I am very torn by this question
Again, why are you confused?

I should agree to allowing her to continue.
You should not agree to it but you aren't gonna do much about stopping it.

Can someone explain Plan A & Plan B to me????
Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Also read the links below.

I must say, this is the strangest case I have seen. Why do you want to allow her continue having an affair? and why are you willing to accept this situation? It shows serious character flaws in both of you. What is so open-minded about it? You are still young. How long would you be able to live like that and knowing that an old guy is pleasing her better than you (Aghhhhh!!). I just cannot believe what I am reading. Sorry for the 2x4, but it just makes my blood boil to see these type of situations.
Listen what others are telling you. You must inform the OM's wife. She needs to know. Also, if your wife is willing to continue, the next step is to inform her family. She is not protecting you, why should you protect her? Wake up and smell the coffee.

I want to start Plan A, but dont know where to begin.

Any suggestions?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lbrad:
 I want to start Plan A, but dont know where to begin.

Any suggestions? <hr /></blockquote>As stated above, read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Also read the links below.

I assume Plan A requires some cooperate from the WS. At this point my WW is totally nonresponsive. If we are going to fix this thing we need to talk. Any ideas on how I can get her to open up ?

assume Plan A requires some cooperate from the WS.
No, that is incorrect.

At this point my WW is totally nonresponsive.
This is "normal".

Any ideas on how I can get her to open up?
Don't press the issue (or any issue).

Stop all lovebusters - Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty.

Here, a quickie version of Plan A, in order of importance:

1. "Hon, I love you. This affair is hurting me badly. I want you to end it." (Once per day. Every single gosh darned day. And then change the subject.)

2. Talk to or write to the five most influential people in your wife's life. Here is the text of your conversation/letter:

"My wife is having an affair with <insert name of person>. I know this because <insert how you know>. I love her and I want to do whatever it takes to heal my marriage and keep my family together. Please, encourage her to permanently end the affair and to recommit to our marriage."

Make sure that you remain respectful and loving toward your wife while you make clear that this is hurting you badly.

3. Keep your household functioning. Cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, etc. Make sure that that level of the relationship isn't also falling apart.

4. Keep your anger and your opinions to yourself. Sure, "I think you and he are both idiots!" is probably high on your list of things to think right now. Don't say it, though, nor anything like it. ANY sentence that starts with "You..." is likely to be judgmental. Stick with sentences that start with "I..." and things like "Please pass the salt."

[ March 23, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]

Thanks

But I am reluctant to tell her friends & family. I think this will just drive her further away from me & make it harder to come around. I do reminder often though about what pain I am going through. We are both in IC. But it takes so darn long.

Of course it'll piss her off. SHE WILL GET OVER IT.

The anger she expresses will be white-hot and she'll call you all kinds of horrible names because you're "invading her privacy."

Trust me on this one. SHE WILL GET OVER IT. Every moment of alleged calm right now is damaging to your marriage. Kinda the way every moment between when you find that lump and when you finally go to the doctor is dangerous.

And no, I'm not overstating things.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lbrad:
I am reluctant to tell her friends & family. I think this will just drive her further away from me & make it harder to come around.<hr /></blockquote>This indicates to me that you have not studied the info others have recommended here, otherwise you would know why you shouldn't be reluctant, but rather, should have already told them.

You have to get off your butt, stick your neck out, and do some work. We cannot do it for you and we will not spoon feed you.

I personally will not post to you again unless I detect evidence that you've at least read the material others have recommended.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Just J:
Every moment of alleged calm right now is damaging to your marriage. Kinda the way every moment between when you find that lump and when you finally go to the doctor is dangerous.

And no, I'm not overstating things. <hr /></blockquote>It's true. This is NOT overstating the case.

It is very painful going through this. SOmeone on these boards once said, "Recovering your M is NOT for the weak-kneed...." and it's true.

Do you have the CAJONES for this, or don't you?

DO WHAT THE OTHERS HAVE SAID. It's vitally important that you follow the Concepts as outlined here.

1 - YOU MUST "OUT" THE AFFAIR.

2 - YOU MUST PLAN A (Find out what her EN's are and meet them as much as possible)

3 - YOU MUST NOT BE AFRAID TO DO THIS.
As has been stated, it's very similar to going in for surgery.....unless the LUMP is CUT OUT of you, YOU WILL DIE. Yes, it's painful, but it's your only viable option.

God Bless,

I just exposed affair to my WW family last week. My WW was on vacation with OM in Porto Rico so she didn't get to talk to her mother till monday. Needless to say my WW called me Monday morning extreemly pissed off, played the fog game with me by saying things like "You made my mother sick by telling her. and This is just between you and I" She's very foggy right now but I don't regret what I did she gets to live in her fake reality with no repurcussions. Since I have exposed the affair now she has to live with reality. I'm not sure how this is going to go my WW is going to come over sometime this week to either talk or just pick up her mail. One of my responses to my WW was if you are so in love with OM (yuck) why shouldn't everyone know. I know this is a LB but after exposure I didn't think it mattered. I will let you know how my saga goes Ibrad. I'm not a expert but everyone here told me to expose the affair short of putting up a bilboard.

This has to be the strongest reaction I've seen yet from folks on this board. I did not realize that exposing the A to others was so important. I know that it probably is a LB, but so is what she is doing to me. GRRRRRR !!!!

THIS WILL BE THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY M.

BEFORE you expose the affair (or really do anything) you NEED to read "Surviving An Affair" and all the Concepts on this website.

Yes you have to do this tactfully not in anger. I told my MIL that my WW is having an affair but I told her I still love your daughter very much. Also read the book Surviving an Affair really helped me.

[ March 23, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]

I do need to disagree with Chris.... yes, you should read and understand what you're doing. But as with Judaic teachings, you can practice before you understand and it still blesses you and your marriage.

When it comes to exposure, remember these key things and you will be fine:

- You are asking for help for your marriage.
- You are asking the people you tell to support you, your wife, and your marriage.
- You are NOT DOING THIS TO HURT HER.
- You're doing this to save your marrage.

Say that over and over again.

Why did you do it? Because you love her and want to save your marriage.

Weren't you invading her privacy? No, you are trying to get help for your marriage, which is in deep trouuble.

How could you be so controlling? I'm asking for help.

Etc. etc. etc.

But Chris IS right in saying that it's important to come to understanding of this stuff quickly.

Well put Just J.

Johns98ck

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lbrad:
 I did not realize that exposing the A to others was so important. I know that it probably is a LB, <hr /></blockquote>I don't believe that exposing the affair is a LB if done properly. We are not talking about bad-mouthing the WS or engaging in reckless character assasination. Just give them the facts. Telling the truth is not a LB.

In fact I don't believe having reasonable boundries is a LB either. Tell you wife in a calm way that you cannot accept her A. Tell her it hurts you. Note that you are not telling her what to do, just what you believe and how it effects you.

The old timers who know more than me can correct me if I am wrong.

Yes.

Based on all I've read here I can see that it is true. But the path is different for each of us and must find a way to do this that fits. I need to do it in such a way that it help not hurt the situation. I just need to find that way.

But the path is different for each of us and must find a way to do this that fits.
That is the problem. The way is very much the same for everyone. Everyone thinks their situation is "unique". It may be unique to YOU but not to all situations. It's pretty standard.

I need to do it in such a way that it help not hurt the situation. I just need to find that way.
That way is described in SAA.
Have you read all the links below and the concepts from www.marriagebuilders.com

I just ordered the book "Surviving An Affair". I also down loaded the EM questionaire & the LB questionaire.

It just feels good to start taking some positive first steps.

Don't bother with the questionaires right now. You're months away from needing them, particularly the EN one.

Expose
Confront
End disrespect
Keep things calm
Prepare to separate

We are going to have our first MC session together this weekend. WW still doesnt think we have much to talk about. I think we have hours worth of stuff.

I told her yesterday that I resolved to do 2 things. 1) Not beat myself up emotionally and 2) Not to try a figure out why this happened. All I want to do now is look forward not back and try to make things better going forward. While fixing any problems that either of us has along the way. She does not seem to have any plan at all on how to proceed, so I am being proactive and trying to the lead the way to save our M.

WW saw the book I ordered "SAA". I leave it out delibrately as a reminder to her. It bugs her but I say so what. She knows what she is doing.

[ March 30, 2004, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: lbrad ]

IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE -pink floyd.

The Board has been pretty quite lately. Not too many new posts.

In any case just want to let everyone know about my emotional roller coaster ride. Until D-Day I was always steady as she goes, but now I find my self on an emotional high one day & down in the dumps the next. Very weird feeling for someone like me. WW is noticing this & I am glad to say that she has actually been very supportive. I guess I am lucky because she has never given me lines about not loving me & such. She still tells me that she cares for me very much & this helps comfort my darker moods. Sometimes I feel like she is coming out of the fog, for short periods of time. I guess I am starting to babble.

Any way hope everyone out there is coping. Post back if you can.

Thanks
lbrad

Hi lbrad,

I just read your story but has it been 2 and half months or years that the A has been going on? I either missed that or you didn't clarify.

Anyway,try not to despair if the board seems slow.There are so many of us going through so much in our lives that a lot of us can go for days without posting or post madly for a couple days or something in between.I just would not anyone to take it personally or think that we don't care.It's not that at all.

I used to post a lot more but I have recently had another turn of events that have left me feeling down so I have been reading more than posting lately.I think other's do the same when they are not feeling up to giving advice or comforting.We all cycle through.

So,have you decided to blow the A wide open or what? I am glad to see that you are getting the book SAA finally.And remember that we don't call this the "rollercoaster" for nothing.Every day is an adventure in emotions.Just be kind to yourself.

Good night.

O

OG.

Thanks for your reply.

I know that everyone is busy. However WW is out tonight, with friends (NOT OM). So I had time to post. Also I read the other thread on bumping & I saw that I was all the way down on page 4. So I decided to do a little bumping of my own.

Any way the A has been going on for 2 1/2 years. D-Day was 3 months ago. IC for each of us started 1 month ago. Joint MC starts this weekend. Good Luck to us all.

LB

Ibrad just checked in to see how things are going. Looks like your headed in the right direction. I wish you luck and be strong for both of you.

N/T