Suicide or thoughts of...... some MBers on the edge... can U help?

Hi,

I don't have a lot of time to post but wanted to start a separate thread. I have noticed a few posts lately talking about suicide. While the feelings of worthlessness is common among the BS, suicide is NOT the answer.

I am opening this thread in hopes to get encouraging posts that all MBers can benefit from in regards to this subject and all that is related (that's a large topic, 'eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ),

All thoughts, concerns, questions, help aides, reference thread links and suggestions are welcomed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With that said, I leave it to all of you and will check back tonight.

Mahalo,
L.

I was thinking about it last night, see my thread. I thought about it before and planed different ways too. I knew it was Satan working on me. On the other hand, my conciouse side of me telling me that I can not do it. I can not leave my kids without a mother. My parents, siblings will be very sad. Even Wh doesn't care. It is not worth doing so. everyday, there were two me fighting. It is extremely hard to get over these thought. But I hung on this board, lots of help here.

Pleas any opinion will help me. thanks Orchid for starting this thread.

If we do commit suicide, the OP has won.
If it happens, then it will be guaranteed that our M will never be given a chance, and isn't that what we (the BS) want?
Even though we may think that our situation is hopeless and impossible, look at all the success stories from people who thought the same as us once!
Of course, read the scriptures i have in my sig line. prayers to you, i've been there.

Suicide has never crossed my mind...although a car accident has...First if you believe in God, put all your troubles in His hands...hand them over to him.

Second...if you are depressed, and suicide thoughts are a very strong sign you are, see a DR ASAP to get put on some Anti-D's. If you are them now and you still have those thoughts, go back and get another RX. These drugs work miracles. The miracles in which God cannot work. Put your pride behind you and get on some meds.

Thridly...keep yourself busy and occupied. Not jsut with the kids, but yourself. Clean the house, do some yardwork, go buy some new undies to show off that weight you ahve lost.

Last...stay strong. You WILL survive this. Suicide does not solve anything. Sure your gone, dead and buried. But what does that accomplish. Your going to end YOUR life so EVERYONE ELSE around you can suffer! No, NO, NO...not the answer!

Keep the Faith!

Thank you so much mom and rr. I am on ant-D, Clecex. I am taking Xenex too. RR, I read the scripts in your sig line. A mini Bible is always in my purse.

I know that I want my M back, if I die, there will be no M and wH will get my $500,000 life insurance. I think I worth more than that. But how do I get rid of these thought?

lostnhurt, you're willing to consider suicide but not Plan B? Could you explain why?

During the early months, I seriously considered suicide. But ooops, my life insurance was in my WH's name. I could just picture him and OW enjoying themselves with it.

So I changed insurance to my boys' names. By that time I was feeling somewhat better.

Now I am happy all of the time and a completely different person. So glad I didn't do it. It would have just added more pain to this world.

I am not willing to consider suicide. I just can't get rid of this thought.

I will go to Plan B for sure. Either now, or after going to MB weekend. I don't want to ruin the MB weekend. I only have about 3 weeks to hang on. I am going to a cruise on 4/23 wiht my sis. That is sort of Plan B.

Correct me if I am wrong on this...But I didn't think anyone got the life insurance if the person commits suicide. Why would they?

Just look at your kids...can you imagine them going on with life WITHOUT their MOMMY! They will have their daddy, with or without you, but if you are DEAD, they will only have a gravestone and a picture of you. Think about that!

Also, maybe your current Anti-D's are not the one for you...I would consider changing to another one! It took me about 5 different ones to find the RIGHT one for ME. Xanax helps to calm your nerves too!

I don't know what other kind I can take. I just called in for more celexer.

Sometimes antidepressants cause suicidal thoughts. If you're having these thoughts, CALL YOUR DOCTOR.

L&H

Now come on! You and I both know that you are worth more to yourself than suicide. You go back and read ARKS post on the universe. You belong in the universe. Do not live for another person. You like me have lived for years for someone else. I cut his hair, popped his pimples, made his lunch, dinner, did his wash. Now I just do all of that for me.....and you know I am kind of liking it. No more pressure. If I go to the mall, I don't have to hurry home anymore. My life was always such a rush because of him. Now I just live for me and my kids. I told my IC that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up because the pain hurt so bad sometimes. She told me that was a normal feeling, BUT thinking about actually doing something to yourself to kill yourself is different. Are you seriously thinking about ending your life? Or do you just think that it would be nice to go to sleep for a year and wake up with everything better? You are a strong woman.
If you are seriously having these thoughts, please change meds. Just J is right, some do make you do strange things. Or maybe just the amount you are taking. You should head right to the Drs. office and talk to them.

Once you do something to yourself, there is no turning back. Think of it that way. If you did try something you can end up a vegetable laying there in bed for the rest of your life, sometimes suicide doesn't work. There is just so much more to life than another person. Live for you. If you are in that much pain just get out of the whole relationship. Plan B until after withdrawals are over and then file for D, move on, go on with life. You can do it. We are all living proof that there is life outside your marriage. Keep your chin up, and believe me if you ask GOD if he is ready for you, he will say no not yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NY

My family has a long history of clinical depression and suicide. So for me growing up, it always seemed like a reasonable option to dealing with problems.

There is probably not a month that goes by that I don't think about. There are many times, particularly in a depressive cycle, where it seems to make more sense than carrying on the struggle.

So why don't I make that choice? The first reason is that I recognize that my thinking during those times is flawed, thanks to being able to recognize the depression itself for what it is. But the compelling reason is that my religious beliefs identify suicide as the ultimate waste of time and effort. I am here to accomplish certain growth and development, and opting out early just means I have to come back and do it again. I have gone through a great deal of work and pain to get where I am - I so do not want to have to do it over!!!

It's clear to me that my work here is not done; my responsibilities have not been discharged. I opted to have children, and I will not walk out on that responsibility.

Anti-depressants really never did a thing to change my suicidal thoughts. I was quite surprised the day I learned that not everyone thinks this way - the look on my doctor's face was priceless, he was so shocked at my surprise. What anti-depressants did do was help me recognize what spiralling into depression looked and felt like, which helps me recognize my thought patterns may not be valid.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lostnhurt:
 I don't know what other kind I can take. I just called in for more celexer. <hr /></blockquote>Call your DR back RIGHT NOW and insist that you talk to them...Tell him what you are thinking about. Tell him that you do not think the Celexa is working for you. It is not up to you to decide which meds you need to take, he will put you on anothger one. there is a butt load of ANTI-D's out there. Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor, And many more. It may take 3 or 4 to find the right one. Some work in one day, most take a few weeks to realy know if they are working...and you will have to "wean" yourself off of the Celexa.

Please L&H call your DR. I dont like the thoughts that you are having. I always just want to go to bed and never wake up, but never have I ever thought about killing myself. NEVER! And I am a diagnosed depressed person with anxiety. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> your thoughts are NOT NORMAL! cal your DR NOW!

I knnow that my thoughts are not right. I can't help it. i am doing my best to control it. I just called the Dr.'s office. Hope to get something different.

I've thought of it a few times and had the gun in my hand, but then I think if I do this what chance do I have at getting my W back. I also couldn't do this to my family. The final thing I thought about if I was gone then my WW and OM would move into the house where my W and I started our dreams together and I just don't want to picture that. I also get mad at them enough to say my life is not worth what they did to me. If it doesn't work out my life will go on.

Hi to all,
I've thought about suicide since I was a kid. I attempted when I was 8, took a whole bottle of tylenol and had to have my stomache pumped (when I say I had a horrible childhood, I'm not kidding).

I always kept it on the back burner, like an escape route that I could always use later, if I needed to. I never considered it in my 1st M, by the time I left, I hated my ex to much to give him the satisfaction. Didnt consider it.

I thought about it again after dday #2, just 18 months ago. This world was just NOT worth the trouble.

I learned how much strength I had after dday. I knew I had some, I survived my childhood afterall (it got worse after my suicide attempt, btw. I finally got my own and became an emancipated minor at 16), but not the strength that I have now. I'm not giving up. To hell with everyone. SCREWED UP PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE.

Get angry at them, at the situation, but hold on to yourself.

Also, I've developed a great friendship over the years with a great woman. NOW, I have to think... 'I cant to that to her'. She would be devestated and VERY mad at me. I never had family I was worried about, but this friend may have kept me on this planet longer than I would have, otherwise. It suprised me when I realized how important she'd become.

Find something to hang on to till it passes. I've never regretted NOT doing it. Everyone please, please take care of yourselves - Dru

Hi All,

If you ever think about suicide or you feel like you are et the end of your rope (crisis) ... just remember to dial 1-800-Suicide. You will be connected to the nearest Crisis Center for your county. If you live in San Mateo County ... I am a volunteer there to take the call <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> 4 hrs/week.

You don't need to state your name or addy ... we are there to listen and to help refer you to any available resource such as agency that have shelter for woman w/ kids.

Just remember 1-800-Suicide.

-rh-

Suicide is not the answer to the pain, fear and depression many are going through. The saying, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is so true. And the legacy it leaves behind is beyond comprehension. For your children and all the people who will be affected by your death, and there are usually many more than you may think, there will be an increased likelihood of some of them taking the same way out someday. And even if they don't, you will be sentencing them to a lifetime of guilt, hurt, pain and unanswerable questions about why you chose to leave them, why you chose to inflict so much pain on them and why you didn't love them enough to keep fighting to survive.
In addition to the pain, there will also be tremendous anger. At times, the people closest to you will curse you, wish they could do you physical harm, and yes, they will hate you. At times. Then the whole cycle of pain and guilt will start again. So many happy times will turn sad because they wish you were there to share that moment or because they are unable to be truly happy because you are not there. Your pain has ended, their's has just begun.
My husband committed suicide on Oct. 3, 2004. 6 months ago this Saturday. My life will never be the same again. I would not wish this on anyone, I would never leave this legacy to the people I care about.
Leanne

Heard you. Suicide is not a solution. But living in this life is not fun either.

Hi LostnHurt,
This life RIGHT NOW isnt much fun. You'll have fun again, I promise. Life is more than one crummy person who treats us poorly.

Redhat: THANK YOU for volunteering!

Medusa, I am terribly sorry. You express exactly why I've taken that option off of the table. People can get so lost. It's so horrible for those left behind. Please take care of yourself this weekend. I'm really sorry - Dru

Thanks Dru, I will keep that in my mind. I am still hanging in here. Redhat, thanks for the information. I will remeber that number. My D mentioned suicide once too. It scared me a lot. She is only 12.

People,

I know it is wrong but I too looked very carefully at some of the larger steel telephone poles on the way to work for a few days.

Trust me, I wouldn't do it now but anything 5 weeks ago seemed better than the pain I was experiencing at the time.

The third day in a row I looked at them, I got to work and a co-worker asked me a technical question about a network. I answered him(it was something he should have known) and he said "You're a good man, Thanks for not making me feel like an idiot, you always have the answers"

Even though I don't always have the answers(especially right now) It hit me....I AM a good man, I AM a good man.

It hit me that I AM a good father and no matter what, I have to be here to make sure my 4 beautiful children are raised right no matter what!

I think God sent him to me that day, I think God put him in my path with a stupid question so he could tell me "I am a good man"

If not, who knows what I would have done the 4th day?

I don't....

BrokenHubby

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Effexor, And many more. It may take 3 or 4 to find the right one. Some work in one day, most take a few weeks to realy know if they are working... <hr /></blockquote>There is a history of depression and suicide in my fmaily. I have always known this and I never gave in because I KNEW the feelings were from chemicals in my brain, etc. and I never let REAL LIFE get to me ... until I ended the affair. I uess I just dind't know what feelings to have. I wanted to hate her and love her at the same time. And then something weird happened last week. My W and my mom and a friend all gave me the same advice! They told me to stop obsessing over her. As soon as OW enters my head --- change my thoughts. Think about something else! Anything! And I have. Then last night I fell asleep early and woke up at 3:00 a.m. My mind was filling with ALL the thought I have not been thinking about. It was horrible. I have not slept since. But I am going to stick to my strategy. I know with time, I will think about OW less and less. After all, my W and family deserve my time and energy and thoughts. Not HER.

And as for HATING HER .... well, for the first time in my life I am on anti-D. Lexapro cost me $48.00 at WAL-MART with my insurance! Damn! Now I really hate her! Isn't there anthing chepaer out there? I'm not poor ... just frugal! Ah, what the heck, I'll admit it. I'M CHEAP!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Medusa:
 Suicide is not the answer to the pain, fear and depression many are going through. The saying, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is so true. And the legacy it leaves behind is beyond comprehension. For your children and all the people who will be affected by your death, and there are usually many more than you may think, there will be an increased likelihood of some of them taking the same way out someday. And even if they don't, you will be sentencing them to a lifetime of guilt, hurt, pain and unanswerable questions about why you chose to leave them, why you chose to inflict so much pain on them and why you didn't love them enough to keep fighting to survive.
In addition to the pain, there will also be tremendous anger. At times, the people closest to you will curse you, wish they could do you physical harm, and yes, they will hate you. At times. Then the whole cycle of pain and guilt will start again. So many happy times will turn sad because they wish you were there to share that moment or because they are unable to be truly happy because you are not there. Your pain has ended, their's has just begun.
My husband committed suicide on Oct. 3, 2004. 6 months ago this Saturday. My life will never be the same again. I would not wish this on anyone, I would never leave this legacy to the people I care about.
Leanne <hr /></blockquote>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read Medusas post over and over until it sinks in. What she wrote is so true. These are the thoughts that went through my head and kept me from carrying out something that would have been so selfish. I still have occassional thoughts of giving up this fight and ending a painful life, but I know I won't ever do it because the people I love matter too much to me to hurt them so deeply and in a way that they could never understand. I think that I will read this post anytime my mind starts thinking crazy thoughts. Medusa your post made me cry it hit home so much. I'm so sorry that your h chose this way out <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

[ April 02, 2004, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]

(((toomanylies)))
Thank you, if what I say can make even one person think, it's worth it to go through the pain it causes to write it. I wish I could be eloquent enough to be able make a bridge between the people contemplating suicide and the people they will leave behind but I'm not. I just know that it solves nothing. It doesn't end the pain, it just ends your life and a huge part of the lives of the people left behind. No one "wins" with suicide.

interesting topic orchid...

i called my husband the other night to tell him i was depressed...
he asked me why...
because suicide seems like a reasonable option, was my reply...

what's stopping me?...
i'm afraid that if i commit suicide it will put me back to square one and i'll have to start over again...
i'm not thrilled with life...
i certainly don't want to have to start again...
once has been too much...

so, i keep thinking about it...
we all die...
i don't think it's a bad thing...
my only fear of death is reincarnation...
i'm hoping that when we get to the other side we have a choice...
this is not something that i'll do again willingly...
so, for now i'm stuck serving my time...

oaktown...

[ April 01, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]

I may have been one of the others who was seen with suicide references in a post. I will clarify--I don't see myself as a serious risk. This is primarily because of my religious beliefs, but also because I wouldn't want to leave my children without me.

But I will admit that there have been brief thoughts during very painful periods where I've thought I couldn't take another second of the pain and even thought of how it might be done.

I do agree that not all A/D's work the same. Celexa actually works fairly well for me, though I will have to switch soon because my insurance company just removed it from their formulary list and I can't afford full price. I will be left with Paxil, Zoloft and Lexapro as choices. Paxil is the one I CANNOT take. I can't sleep, I yawn constantly, it has serious sexual side effects with me (not that that should be an issue right now), and I have have tremors. Zoloft I've never tried but heard from my Dr. that it's side effects would be similar to Paxil. So I'll probably ask to try Lexapro.

I've actually also taken Serzone which made me feel so weird I probably could have committed suicide and not cared. I went off that stuff pretty fast! BUt someone else I know took it and it was great for them.

We're all different.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by lostnhurt:
She is only 12. <hr /></blockquote>In my county actually the service is call Youth & Family Crisis Center. We deal a lot with local high school or middle school counselors who refers their students to us. You could also call on her behalf (3rd party call) and we could help you to do CPR to asess your D situation. Don't take it lightly.

-rh-

Glad to see participation on this subject. It is a hard yet sensitive topic but one that crosses many a BS mind and even WS minds from time to time. Yes, even children suffer from this malady.

What we can we can see is that these thoughts do creep up into our minds and how we learn to deal with it is important. We can learn to help each other here, get over that crisis.

You should not be surprised to learn that many of the OTs here at MB went through the same thought process or lack thereof. I know I was helped several times when I thought I had just about lost my mind.

In reality, my mind was never lost, just a bit clouded over. I learned to focus and focus hard on what was good and important in my life. My R w/God, son, family, friends...... in that order. The WS was not one I wanted an R with. That R belonged to my H and if the H was lost and only the WS remained, then I had to learn to move forward.

It was critical that my mind and heart be in sync. Disoriented thoughts of suicide or lack of self worth run rampant when the mind and heart are not in sync. Thinking clearly is difficult. That is why keeping focused is vital.

Suicide is the end of a life, end of an R and not a respectful act to our loved ones, including the one who gave us life. Yet some feel that is the only way out. Some of us know someone who have made that choice. For those, the need to live takes on a deeper meaning. I know it was hard for H to think of suicide because he lost his older brother that way a few years ago. Yet as a WS, that thought was very common.

When your WS tries to lay the suicide guilt on the BS, ask him/her..... if your A R is sooo great, why are your contemplating suicide or even mentioning it? Why isn't the OP taking care of the EN that removes suicide as an option? DON'T take the blame for their feelings like that. The WS' know the BS do not wish their spouses any ill will.

For the BS, know that suicide is NOT the answer. It is an excuse at best and one your family will never ever get over. My H lost his brother, my grandmother lost her 1st H that way......both were tragic uncessary losses.

Medusa, thank you for sharing your story. As painful as it is, your story can help those here see the need to keep on moving forward. I am truly sorry for your loss. {{{hugz}}}}

I will be forevre grateful to those who posted to me in my time of need. Seemed like my life was on the edge and would never migrate back to a resemblence of normalacy. But it has.

To all of you , I'd like to share that same hope. Your life seems like it is in despair. You are going through hard times but not more than you can handle. Strength and support come from around you, above and you within you.

Hope this helps,
L.

I'm outta this life right now, sorry I have not read all these psts, but I am so friggin fed up they would not register anyhow. I am sooooo pissed off.

Please check out Takolas post about hotlines in Australia. ((((((HUGS)))))

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by mtheart:
 I'm outta this life right now, sorry I have not read all these psts, but I am so friggin fed up they would not register anyhow. I am sooooo pissed off. <hr /></blockquote>mtheart,

why? venting here is ok if it helps you regain your composure.

L.

There was a day, a very bad day, when I curled up in the basement under an afghan and all I could think about what ending everything.

DD was 16 days old that day. The only thing that got me out of that thought pattern was deciding that I wanted to know her when she's 16 years old, too.

And after I got out of that place, I got angry. Really, really angry. Angry that I had ever allowed anyone to treat me so badly that I couldn't even see that there are other ways out of awful situations.

That was the day that I accepted that I would end our marriage before I allowed it to destroy me, no matter how much I wanted to save it.

I'm here today because I put my own life ahead of my marriage.

I'm here today because I put my daughter ahead of my marriage.

I can't and won't recommend divorce to anyone. But I will say this. Your life is more valuable than your marriage. And so are the lives of your children. If a marriage is to have any chance to be healed, it MUST protect those things.

Internalizing our stresses causes much hurt. Venting here c/b healing.

mtheart, I saw your thread. Please work with your immediate support group. When you can, please come back and post.

MB was and is a great place of support to me. When I had those awful feelings of despaire, MB was one of the places I came to straighten my head out.

I am happy to say that now my mind and heart are in sync.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Thanks,
L.

Someone posted that if you commit suicide then the OP has won. Haven't they already? I mean in my situation the OW has my life. All my hopes and dreams are hers now. OW has used phony suicide attempts to try and keep WS. It's worked.
Doesn't matter that my heart is broken in a million pieces. She's won. At least for now.

Why think suicide when homicide is so much more fun? As Syrus said:

"De inimico non loquaris sed cogites."

In other words, "Don't wish ill for your enemy; plan it." If you have any competitive streak at all, use it. Think of "winning." Don't let WS and OP "win." Think of coming out ahead.

It's easier than you think. Give it a little more time. Check out my post to ChristyV for some thoughts on the topic.

[ April 05, 2004, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]