Can you give us some more on your story if your willing there are a lot of people here that would be willing to help you out.

TM
I have thought about giving my story for some time. I'm not really sure why I havent. If you have your 2X4's ready, I'm really not sure where to begin but here goes.

I have been married for eight years. For me my realationship with my BS was up and down I felt I always tried to meet her needs and never seemed to acheive anything. For me I felt I could never do anything right by her and she would let me know.

We have two beautiful childen who mean the world to me. To many times we both put our children in front of each other. We never communicated. I have never to this day opened up to her completly. I know I have failed her.

We met another couple from our church who we did a lot together. My affair lasted about nine or ten months. I new I had feelings towards this OW before the OW even realized it. I was so happy when I was a round her. I felt very much in L with her. I loved the way she took care of her kids, the wife that she was, and how much people enjoyed being around her. She brought joy to everyone. I never thought anything would come of it. I thought I would be able to control myself. I had oportunities for an A in the past and new that I would never do it.

After about five months the OW and I talked privately. She was giving me advice on little things I could do to better my marriage and try to forfill my BS needs. It seemed that everything I tried never seemed to work. My BS and I were taking a class at church about meeting each others needs. This only seemed to end with aurguments.

The A was totally my fault. My biggest problem in our marriage was that there was no communication. Neither one of us made our spouse a priority. Me I always put others first,the kids and always willing to help a friend. Her it was either the kids or her family.

I know that I made a mistake. I lost everything in my life. I hate the pain that I caused so many people, expecially my BS. She has made so many changes since the A has come out. She is looking great and lately has been very happy when I am around. (i know its a good plan A) Her attitude has change and she truely is a better person than she was before.

I hate what I have became I used to be a great person. I was even nominated to be a decon in our chuch but I obviously had to turn it down. I feel so very bad for all of the BS. I'm sorry.

I still strugle with many things. Even though I know how much pain I have caused my BS I still have not appologized to her, I just dont know the words.

As far as the OW she is out of my life. There are so many things she showed me. I still feel very much in L with her. I made a mistake. I also cause her so much pain. I had never lied to her, I put her first in my life, even before god. I destroyed her life as well as her H. Her H and I became really close friends and I failed him miserably. If I would have only communicated with my BS rather than dealing with it on my own this may have been prevented.

lost in life thank you for your story. If you started your own thread on here of what you want to accomplish and your story there will be people here that will give you solid advice. Some advice you will not agree with and some you will. Yes some people will 2x4 you but most will not. I speaks volumes about your character just to be here to work on your marriage and most people here feel this is the first step towards a great marriage. I'm not a success story as you can see in my signature but I really do believe in the pricipals here. So you and your W are still together? Some of the 2x4 you will get might be just what you need sometime's, people here don't like to candycoat anything which I think is good, blatent honesty is what you will get. As you can see there are some WS here and they tell thier stories and get advice from BS and other WS look at some of whiteknight's threads. I wish you luck and thanks again for telling your story.

thanks LIL for sharing your story and i know you know what you need to do to make things right. generally speaking, that's what all of us want, even the BS. that's what i want is a chance to make things right. i haven't been given the opportunity to show my H the changes because of the circumstances being what they are (living in different states but not because of what's happened). i would like to encourage you to continue to read and post and people do want to help because they know how it feels to either be the BS or the WS and want to spare anyone any more pain than what they are going through.

you know you have access to the best counselor of all God, he's always available and free. but have you considered other types of counseling, a Christian one would be the best whether it's just you or w/you and your W. the counselors from MB are also excellent and feel that SH is a Christian and is certainly advising me that way. you have a lot to offer people here as well and sometimes that's one way we can help ourselves is by helping others. even though it is sad that it took what has happened for things to change in your M, be glad that you are here at MB and that your W is willing to work on the M. Lord knows that is what most of us want, a spouse who wants to work on the M. prayers to you.

RR
Thanks for your reply. I have been seeing a IC for about four months. I'm not sure if I will continue with her. I have a made a lot of mistakes but have not been able to overcome them.

I hope that you get your chance to show your S the changes you have made. I'll be praying for you.

Lostinlife -

I have a question for you, since you are a WS and a Christian. My WH and I were strong Christians. Then he found OW, and has completely changed. He started lying and is not the man I married.

He no longer is welcome at our church, where he has been a member for 17 years. This is because I asked for prayers for our marriage. The pastor called me and I started crying and told him that my WH has been living with OW since July.

My WH still says he loves me and is sorry. He says the Holy Spirit is pounding him. But he is still with OW.

Sorry this is so long. My question to you is, how do you integrate being a Christian with having an affair? I would like to know the thought process, so I can help WH.

By the way, my WH was always a good man. I have forgiven him. I still love him, but am wondering how a WS thinks. Thanks

Lost in Life - I can very much relate to what you are saying - or rather I COULD relate to it. I remember all too well the shame and the pain and the grief of knowing I had to either lose my marriage, my FAMILY, or lose the best friend I'd ever known - the person I thought was my soul mate.

I was back and forth - up and down. One minute I wanted to save my marriage - but the next I'd feel hopeless and depressed and end up talking to the OM again. Then the 'in love' feelings I had would take over and I'd make plans to leave again. My H and I finally seperated for a year. I slowly moved forward with the divorce, mostly because of pressure from BOTH sides of the fence. If I didn't want him, my H wanted to be free to move on. And if I REALLY loved the OM I would GET A DIVORCE so we could move forward. But I just stayed put - stuck - for quite a while.

Eventually the 'glow' of the A wore off. The OM is a nice enough guy and we did have a lot in common - but factor in good old reality and we had a pretty ugly situation ahead of us. Plus the longer I was out on my own the more respect I gained for my H. I came to see the things that he brought to my life. I also learned a lot about personality types - and how total opposites (like my H and I) can have a hard time communicating. The OM and I were the exact same personality type - but I also learned that THAT can have it's disadvantages too. Same weaknesses. My H and I, complete opposites, compliments each other on our strengths and weaknesses. He encourages me to get things done and I encourage FUN in him.

Anyway, to make a long story short - we got back together just a couple of weeks before our divorce was to be final. I didn't know for sure what we could have together, but I KNEW, without a doubt, that I didn't want to be divorced. So I committed to doing whatever it would take to make it work. It's not nearly as hard to get it to work once you're committed to staying, no matter what.

And working it is. I could never have even DREAMED of things being this good! My H has noticed great changes in me and I am THRILLED at the changes in him as well. He IS my best friend. And I do not miss the OM. I remember him - and I'm sorry for what it did to our friendships (he was a long time family friend). But there is NO lingering longing for him - no empty spaces needing to be filled by anyone. I am a complete person married to another complete person - and we are extremely happy and fulfilled. I love when our son comes into our bed and we all cuddle up and sleep late - and I love that EVERY holiday is our holiday - no splitting our son up and shuffling him back and forth. It's everything I ever hoped for.

So I just wanted to share - in case you're fearful that your marriage can't measure up to the A. It won't - because an A is full of anguish and pain, lies and shame. A good marriage is a prize - a blessing. It's comfortable most of the time, crazy some of the time. It's just a much deeper love.

Good luck!

Hope4future,
Just what I am doing, hoping for my future. I'm struggling with doing the right thing for all, which I know in my head is give my H this chance, but my heart is tearing me in two.

I just read your letter. That is right where I am at. I know my place is with my H, but the A seemed so real at times.

I miss the OM, I'm fighting temptation, but it is killing me. I feel such a void, I feel empty.

I'm trying to fill myself with my H, I feel sometimes it is impossible for him to make me Happy.

My H has made many changes, I'm here in body, but I sometimes feel my soul is else where.

I know I can do this and your post gave me inspiration. I so needed to read your post tonight. I'm feeling weak, and vulnerable, but I'm going to stay strong, and fight for my M, no matter how much pain I feel from the loss of the OM. Thank you so much.

LIL - I hope you find your way.

R&P - it's a choice, pure and simple. It's the easiest hardest thing you'll ever do. Make the choice to stay and make it work - and you can. But as long as you allow yourself to fantasize and daydream and wonder about the OM - you'll remain tortured and stuck. THAT'S why it hurts so much, because you aren't ANYWHERE. You're stuck in between two lives - one real and one fantasy.

Honestly, when the fog cleared I saw that either life I chose was simply a life. Neither was better than the other - but one came with heavy consequences that would FOREVER taint that relationship. And I knew once I KNEW that neither life was better than the other, that I would forever be haunted by the knowledge that I COULD have made it work with my H, but I chose the easy way out - the one that felt better at the time. I just couldn't do it - because divorce was SUCH an awful thing to me.

So make a choice - because until you do the pain will just continue to eat away at your soul.

Good luck!!

believer,

For me there was no integrateing being a Christian and having an A. I had great fear going to church. Once the A started the main reason I still went was for the wrong reason. The OW was a member at the church and that is how we met. I continued to go in fear that anyone would find out about the A. Since I moved out of my house I have not been to church.

For me when the A was happening I blocked out God. I couldnt pray I couldnt face him. (I still have some trouble). I have talked to my preacher several time and know that I am still welcome in my church. However I will not go back. To many people to face and so much pain I have caused. I will not go to a new church as of yet but hope someday I will be able to. Not because of the A, but because I still feel I L OW very much. This was my biggest struggle with going to church and being with God. I felt like such a hipocrit (sorry about the spelling). How can I go to church with my W and still L other so deeply.

I know God has forgiven me, but it is still hard to forgive myself. I did this to everyone including OW. Sorry to kind of ramble on with my feelings and I dont know if it makes any sense but I hope it helps.


H4F
I glad things are going well for you. It is good to see things work.

For me I am giving my BS the shot she deserves. I know she reads my post and I'm sure we will discuss this one later.

My story is very much like yours. I also feel that my OW is my soul mate. I however did have guilt for what I had done to my family and my W. I really never wanted to give her another chance. She had made many changes in herself that I hope will make a difference in us. I to had made changes. The reality of it is that it was the OW that brought those changes. I had never been able to open up or communicate with my W. There were so many things in my past that I had never told anyone until the OW. I hope that I can take what I have learned and apply it to my M. Thanks your encouraging words!

R&PS

I also know where you are coming from. I too feel a great void from the OW. She is one of the biggest reasons I'm communicating with my W and trying to make my M work. She also was posting here at MB. Reading her words I saw what joy this brought to her. It was a joy that she has not had in a long time. She felt like her old self agian. It really made me realize I need to let her go, even though I L her so much. I have been communicateing with my W which is a great start. My wife has made many positive changes and I hope it will work. I know about the filling yourself with you S that is what I am doing as well. Though there are so many reminders in her words of the OW. Focus on your S and talk to him that will hopefully take your mind of the OM. I know it is hard not think about the OP because I still do. Best of luck and Stay strong you can do this, repeat after me

I can do this!!

LIL,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though I know how much pain I have caused my BS I still have not appologized to her, I just dont know the words.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you keep waiting to "find" the right words so you can appoligize, you'll never do it. Just tell her how you feel, that you're sorry, and that it will NEVER happen again. She needs to hear this.
Tell her tonight!!!

Hello lost in life,

Well,with all due respect,here comes a 2x4.

I have read all your posts and if you and your W are to have any real recovery here you need to stop pining away for and enhancing the thoughts of this OW.

"Soulmates" is not a word that many of us believe in here and I certainly don't.What we as BS's call it is "A**holemates".It is a word made up in our society to try and romanticize and explain bad behavior.In fact,I recently posted a topic here about an article in Psychology Today that tries to demystify this "soulmate" experience because it's not based in reality and destroys marriages.

Again,

Placing all this "value" on OW:

-she was my soulmate
-I am in love with OW
-she is one of the biggest reasons I am communicating with W
-OW brought on the changes in W
-I have never been able to open up or communicate with my W
-I put her first in my life even before God

Ok,you get the idea.No matter all these statements,your feelings were born out of a fantasy.Also,you do not state if this OW actually was involved in an A with you such as an EA or PA or both,was this all one sided?? She spoke to you privately but there's no mention about how this OW responded to you.

Was a NC letter ever sent? Can you give more specifics here?

I don't mean to offend you but it is painfully apparent,and perhaps especially to your W when she reads this,that you are still very much involved with this OW and even knowing how wrong it was on SO many levels and that OW is supposedly out of your life(is she still at church??),you are still giving it your time,thoughts,energy,all directed at the wrong person.Your WIFE is the one that deserves all the attention that you gave away to this OW whose life you have also destroyed with your actions.You say you are going to give your W the "shot" she deserves.Well that to me sounds very cold.You have some deep work to do yourself as I am sure you are aware.So,let us help you but it's time to redirect your statements to "I" and "we" meaning your wife and yourself.NOT OW!

Not too bad of a 2x4 I hope.But you also need to apologize to your W.There is NO excuse if you are going to try and repair this marriage.JUST DO IT and stop procrastinating.Not finding the words is one big COP OUT.

O

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

R&P

What's up with the name change?

Playing games?

sss

Ummm....you're going to give your wife the chance she deserves???

I don't think you're ready for recovery. Sorry. You're wife DESERVES more than just a chance. You're not some prize for her to win, sir. You are NOT all that and a bag of chips. You are currently a liar - a thief - an adulter. You are NOT someone that most people are going to herald and hold in high regard. Maybe you were, and maybe you can be again - but today, right now, you are exactly what your actions define you to be.

This OW is no more your soul mate than the OM was mine. They're hurting people who are looking to ease their pain the easy way, just like you and I did. Two incomplete people do not make a healthy, whole partnership. They make a mess.

R&P name change??? I am clueless here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ...LOL...anyhow...R&P -- I posted on your own thread because I am concerned about you, and your issues are quite different than the ones we are talking about here...please go over there and read it (even though you said you weren't coming back to this forum, I guess that you are?)

LIL: it's early days for you right? but you say you've read a lot of the MB stuff?

if so, you know that withdrawal will take time...that reconnecting to your W will take time...that losing the attachment to OW will take time...

however, you can shorten this time through concrete actions...you seem to be sincerely trying to work on your M so I'd like to offer a couple of specific suggestions that will help you to break your habit...

1. everytime you find yourself thinking about OW...STOP! replace that thought with one of your W...go on, do it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

if you are having trouble thinking about your W, remembering any of her good points, then write them out...and make them real..."my W makes the best linguine I've ever eaten!"...

think HARD about the thought you've chosen...really focus on it...

simple stuff huh? try it out though...it works...actually, it works for both BS and for WS...

you see, our thoughts lead us to actions...all this fantasizing about OW is what led you to fall in love with her in the first place...

give your W the "shot" but make it real...work HARD to STOP thinking about OW and start thinking about your W instead...

and this includes writing about OW ...STOP writing about her...STOP thinking about your A...

2. start focussing on concrete things you can do: is there a tap to be fixed? lawn to be mowed? are you trying to break a new marathon record? learning to paint???

physical activities serve to distract us very well...

I guarantee you: if you work to change your thought patterns and physically distract yourself, you will shorten the time of the addiction withdrawal...these are well documented techniques BTW...

3. accept for the short-term that you will feel bad ...you will feel like crap because you hurt others...brought pain into their lives...screwed up your own...

it's tough to feel this bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...and sadly, it usually leads to resentment or some other unhealthy reaction...

so for now, the very best thing you can do is to set it aside...focus on what you can do RIGHT for a change...you can't change the past...but you can change the present and the future...

commit to N/C and get to work!!! I think you can do it...awed

LIL I'm going to have to agree with Octobergirl here.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Placing all this "value" on OW:

-she was my soulmate
-I am in love with OW
-she is one of the biggest reasons I am communicating with W
-OW brought on the changes in W
-I have never been able to open up or communicate with my W
-I put her first in my life even before God </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you would have put your W in the place where you put the OW before the A started and actually comunnicated your feelings to your W you wouldn't be in this situation. I know hind sight is 20/20. But if you would do this now I think that you and your W would have the M you both would truely enjoy. JMHO.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

Uh, I did not realize that R&P was veryregretful - and that you are in fact LIL's OW.

This is a huge slap in the face to your wife, LIL - and yet another huge disrespect from you R&P. Don't use this board to pine away for each other - it's COMPLETELY disrespectful of those who have been BETRAYED and LIED TO.

Quit talking about the good people you want to be - and start being good people. Good people don't KNOWINGLY hurt other people. You KNOW BETTER!!!

I CANNOT Believe this! You two are still in contact via this board. Who are you trying to fool! I have no respect for people who try to sabbotage ANY efforts that your BS are making by doing this.

Stop playing these games...both of you! If you are serious about you marriages and your recovery then get on with it. If not then stop stringing your BS's along. I have no patience for games like you two are playing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So to be so harsh, but this has got to be stopped! This is as bad as my WH bringing his OW to MY house! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I CANNOT Believe this! You two are still in contact via this board. Who are you trying to fool! I have no respect for people who try to sabbotage ANY efforts that your BS are making by doing this.

Stop playing these games...both of you! If you are serious about you marriages and your recovery then get on with it. If not then stop stringing your BS's along. I have no patience for games like you two are playing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sorry to be so harsh, but this has got to be stopped! This is as bad as my WH bringing his OW to MY house! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is also disrespectful for all these good hearted people who have taken the time and energy to post to you and try to help you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is totally, utterly, and completely disrespectful, uncool, etc. Basically, you have broken no contact, and I PRAY that your wife and her husband come here and see that you two have been keeping up with contact through these notes about how lost you are without each other, how you were better people, in love, hurting, blah blah puke, blah blah puke. And if you wife told you to get packing, she, I hope you know, would be founded.

You have broken no contact in this action, and had the BALLS to do it on a pro-marriage, christian based site where so many people are FIGHTING EARNESTLY WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS for their marriages (regardless of whether they are the BS or WS).

We want to help and support you, but most of us, especially most of us BSes, HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEING PLAYED THE FOOL BY ANY WAYWARD SPOUSES ANYMORE. No thanks...been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and it sucked...

I would gladly offer my perspective, prayers, sympathy, and best wishes to ANY earnest spouse, betrayed or wayward, who was SERIOUS about wanting to rebuild their marriage.

You two have stooped to a new low...and I would highly recommend that you do what you both KNOW is the right thing. Perhaps one of you can stay here and get support, and the other can go to Save Your Marriage Central to get support.

But do not misuse, disrespect, or LIE to the kind people who unselfishly invest their time and energy and experiences to help you.

UNCOOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

sigh...

LIL: please read what I posted on the previous page...it is sincerely meant...

you can achieve N/C but it all starts in your head...by taking a positive approach that you WILL do it...by doing what it takes, making the effort, doing the hard work...

perhaps you can see from the anger vented here how much it HURTS to be a BS...people are very protective of your W as a fellow BS...and people (both WS and BS) are very protective of the concept of honesty...

the harsh reaction is a reaction to the thought of anyone being lied to...

we all value honesty here...

we should all value respect here as well...

on the bright side, perhaps some of these postings will help you to see how wonderful your W is...that she can overcome these kinds of STRONG emotions and love you, honour her M vows to remain with you for better or worse, take the very scary step of working on a new M with you...

your W is a strong, compassionate woman to do so...don't underestimate how tough it is to commit to someone who has injured you to the core of your being...how tough it is to commit to remaking a healthy M...

you both have struggles ahead of you but I believe that together you will make it...

all the best to you...awed

What to say?? My intentions were not to hurt anyone, never where, but yet it continues to happen. When I posted this morning I had no idea about any of this. I was actually working when my W called to tell me people had posted and there were questions. I did stop by the house and logged into reply. You are all correct in the fact the R&P Spree is the OW,however my W and you are the ones that brought that to my attention.

My response to her was sincere and is what I am feeling. I would have gave the same response to anyone else. Once I replied I went back to work only to get a call from my W saying I was taking a lot of abuse. So here I am. Had I taken the time to investigate I would have found that R&P was VR which was the OW. I had no intentions on communicating with OW, especially here, What kind of idiot do you take me for?? Wait dont answer that, I already know.

I am very suprised how many of you jumped to conclusions that this was a set up just to contact OW. Had I wanted to talk to her I would have done it in a different way. Sorry to those that feel I had betrayed them and think this is a game!

i thought i felt sick enough already.

can't people register as different people to include different member numbers?

just a sad, sad day and situation, and make me think i need to get away from here so i won't read stuff like this.

lil:

Believe me, you'll abuse yourself plenty in the months and years 2 come, even if you truly end contact now, once and for all.

We don't need 2 abuse you.

You also have 2 understand where many people here are coming from. It didn't take much of an imagination 2 make the assumption that you were using the 4um for contact. whether you were or not isn't important now. What you do is.

best,
-ol' 2long

LIL ok so you want to work on your M and I did start this thread. Ok so if you want to make this right get a new email on Yahoo or something and reregister under a new name and don't post under this one anymore. I'm going to suggest the same to RJ. I wouldn't post my story because most of us here have it. I'd just post with questions that you want answered or if you have suggestions. I don't know if anyone else is but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here so don't dissapoint us just reregister ok.

maybe someone can volunteer to be a mentor and you guys could just email each other away from here.

double deep sigh... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LIL: please try not to take the hurt feelings, angry words and assumptions personally...in fact, I specifically monitored this thread and came back on again earlier this afternoon to give you some perspective on the whys behind the judgemental words from others...

to be very blunt: only you know your intentions...only you know what is in your heart...you do not need to justify or explain your behaviour to anyone here...your only obligation is to your W...she deserves honesty, compassion and respect...

I know it is difficult to do so, but perhaps you could explore the issues raised instead of reacting against the unfounded accusations?

N/C with OW starts in your head...regardless of whether or not she's posting here, you were already writing and thinking about her...

you need to have a strategy in order to get through withdrawal and into a successful recovery...

you have no control over what others think, say or do...but you do have control over what is in your head...and the actions you take...

forget about what others are thinking, saying or doing: concentrate on you and your M...what do you plan to do next?

take care...awed

hummmmmm Very interesting!

There is a saying that if you are going to lie, you need to have a good memory.

Lost, you said that the OW read and posted here, NOT YOUR WIFE.

Was it the OW that called and told you about this realization at MB, that the two of you were 'former' lovers?

If your wife is reading this thread and you KNOW she reads it; then you are a very cruel man because you have said things about your feelings for the OW that would hurt your wife DEEPLY.

And we remember that your wife and your OW were best friends before you and 'very regretful' started screwing each other. (And screwing everyone else in the process!)

Just don't screw over us at MB...we have had enough lies, that we don't need any from you!

Just fess up, if you ARE withholding information, and trying to cover your butt as it would be better in the long run.
Sincerely, Julie
P.S. I just re-read what I wrote and it sounds like I am calling you a liar...I probably am but please just take it as "Julie's opinion only".

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

If your wife is reading this thread and you KNOW she reads it; then you are a very cruel man because you have said things about your feelings for the OW that would hurt your wife DEEPLY.
No he's not cruel. He's spilling his guts and if his wife chooses to read his posts, she have to just take it.

He (LiL) is here to get things sorted out and right now there is stuff he needs to express that his wife may not want (or need) to hear at this time.

Besides, the first post is, "Can you give us some more on your story if your willing there are a lot of people here that would be willing to help you out."
Should he speak up only if he's not gonna give us the truth? Everyone is doggin' on him in the other thread for (perhaps) not being competely honest..

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris I'm with you on this, I think everyone is assuming the worst. That's why I made my suggestion a little while ago to reregister. I don't think anyone in thier right mind that was doing NC would have contact here, it would be like mowing grass in a minefield. JMHO

good for you Chris! awed

Not that it matters, but I don't necessarily agree. Whether or not LIL intentended on his words reaching the OW or not - they certainly weren't geared towards helping his marriage or healing his wife. He KNEW his wife would read - and he KNEW it would hurt. Honest? Yea, maybe. But I don't remember being patted on the back for 'honestly' pining away for the OM. It was 'honestly' still an unproductive act. I'm not about to pat him on the back and go 'there there'. But that's just me.

It's my STRONG feeling that either the WH or the OW go. Because I WAS the WW at one time and the OM posted on my board. I knew he read and I often felt myself posting in the hopes he would read - I also often scanned the messages in case he'd changed his screenname and was posting to me. Withdrawl is ugly and difficult WITHOUT added distraction.

I haven't forgotten AT ALL that these are people - hurting people. But that doesn't make them any less responsible for what they do. Change isn't easy for anyone - and I won't pretend that it is by softening up what I see as the cold hard facts.

Don't try to play the victim here, LIL. Have a little consideration for why people would feel badly about what happend here. Once again there seems to be no remorse.

But I don't remember being patted on the back for 'honestly' pining away for the Om
Okay.
But I had not yet got around to slamming him for it yet!

I'm not sure if that was intended as sarcasm or if you were honestly joking. Either way - I don't feel that I SLAMMED him once. I also don't think I BASHED him or TRASHED him or any other horrible thing. I certainly don't agree that attacking another poster helps - and nowhere did I say it did. So if it WAS sarcasm - keep it, it's just as unhelpful as SLAMMING and BASHING and whatever else.

I think what happend was bad, and if it was done knowingly was something they should feel remorse about. If it WASN'T intentional then it's STILL not a good idea for them to post here together. How can they TRULY have NC and heal and move forward if they can read the others thoughts any time they want.

If we're encouraging honesty from him and the wife is supposed to thank him for it - then I think we have the same right to that honesty - as long as it's not brought across in a demeaning or bashing way.

Heh - uh....one other possibility has appeared to me...that you were possibly SERIOUS???

Forgive my defensiveness.

Congrats for being nominated for the Cheez Whiz award! (leave it to WAT) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am sorry if I jumped to conclusions, or did not give him the benefit of the doubt. I am sorry if hearing the reactions from all these people who have been lied to and betrayed and abused, somehow touched on some sort of nerve for LIL. This board is so important for so many of us, sometimes I think it is the only place I can go where someone will understand where I am coming from. So, in that instant when I thought that was being used to feed an affair, I was really mad, and have to admit, still am a little defensive.

I do wish his marriage well. I do wish them a healed relationship, a whole family, and a fulfilling love.

I just don't want to be lied to. And it felt very manipulative. And, let's be honest, we can easily feel manipulated, based on what we have all experienced. And, if you wayward spouses are honest, you will admit that you did some really low, horrifying things to try and continue to be in some sort of contact, having some sort of finger on the pulse of the soul of the other person, that you probably lied straight out to your spouse, friends, clergymen, and everyone else that could see you coming from a mile away. So, it was not totally ridiculous and outside of the realm of possibility that LIL had the wrong intentions and to deduct that was what was happening.

Your betrayed wife shared with you some of the feedback you were getting on the thread. I have a question....how did SHE feel when SHE realized you were posting on your former lovers thread?

It really doesn't matter what I think. Or what other's think. Honestly, I believe that. If LIL's wife believes it was some sort of innocent coincidence, than, that is all that matters. She knows him the best out of anyone. And if she trusts and is comfortable with that, who the hell and I to have anything to say?

It only matters what your wife thinks. And if she is truly, truly using the MB principles, especially the principle of RADICAL HONESTY, what is her HONEST take on it? That is really all LIL needs to worry about. What did she think?

And you know, I don't necessarily think it was bad for him to vent his withdrawal on the site. I mean, from what we have read, what we have experienced through other posts, withdrawal sucks, and the wayward spouse suffers, and the marriage has a better chance of surviving when the betrayed spouse knows what you are feeling and experiencing. Because, bottom line is, there can be NO MORE SECRETS. And if that means that you have to share that you are hurting like hell from withdrawal, then I think she deserves to know, so, in her love, she can pray for you, comfort you, and ulitmately, eventually aide you into falling back in love with her, and rebuilding your marriage.

I still maintain that this site is an excellent place to come for insights, opinion, expert advice, and the heart and soul of a lot of people who are rooting for your marriage. There are very few places where you will find people who are suffering so acutely in their own situation, putting aside their own hurts, to literally pour their hearts into helping you save your marriage. This truly is a wonderful gift, LIL, and I just felt so personally insulted to have thought you would have disrespected that. Thus, my strong reaction.

So I am sorry if I thought the worst of you LIL. I hope you can accept my apologies.

LIL's wife, I feel your pain daily. Only, you had the added pain of feeling betrayed by a close female friend to. Your heart must be so broken. LIL is lucky to have you...one day he will realize that.

My prayers are with you both.

CV
You dont have to appologize. I understand where everyone is comming from. My W and I discussed this earlier and I now see how easy it was for people to believe I was just using this board for my pleasure. My W does know the truth and you are right I am lucky to have her. I have taken steps to assure that this does not happen again.
Sorry for the pain and anger this cause so many.
lil

lost - I for one believe you. I do think you have come here for help.

Dear Hope4future

I wish my now ex wife could read your post.
Instead she is living with the man she left me for and we both face the split holidays the split family......You are lucky

Sorry to here that Firefly - it's unfortunatly more common than making it work. I hope someday that will change.

h4f:

Is it?

I've been feeling like it is, myself, lately. I hope that's not true... ...though statistics don't mean much from the trenches. It's what we do that matters.

But I don't know yet what we're going 2 do.

-ol' 2long

Well - I figure it is because of the high divorce rates. Plus, of those that ARE still married - not all are blissfully happy. How many do you know that are?? I know of MANY 'arrangements'. My inlaws for example. Are they married? Yea - but they don't like each other very much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

h4f:

I know the type.

A HS friend of mine's grandparents were visiting one time 35 years ago or so (yep, I'm really old!). It was over a holiday, and my friend and I were playing cards or something in the kitchen. They'd had dinner earlier, and were watching TV or something. His grandfather belched, and said "Excuse me, except for my wife". My friend said he always did that.

Weird.

-2long