Can you give us some more on your story if your willing there are a lot of people here that would be willing to help you out.

TM
I have thought about giving my story for some time. I'm not really sure why I havent. If you have your 2X4's ready, I'm really not sure where to begin but here goes.

I have been married for eight years. For me my realationship with my BS was up and down I felt I always tried to meet her needs and never seemed to acheive anything. For me I felt I could never do anything right by her and she would let me know.

We have two beautiful childen who mean the world to me. To many times we both put our children in front of each other. We never communicated. I have never to this day opened up to her completly. I know I have failed her.

We met another couple from our church who we did a lot together. My affair lasted about nine or ten months. I new I had feelings towards this OW before the OW even realized it. I was so happy when I was a round her. I felt very much in L with her. I loved the way she took care of her kids, the wife that she was, and how much people enjoyed being around her. She brought joy to everyone. I never thought anything would come of it. I thought I would be able to control myself. I had oportunities for an A in the past and new that I would never do it.

After about five months the OW and I talked privately. She was giving me advice on little things I could do to better my marriage and try to forfill my BS needs. It seemed that everything I tried never seemed to work. My BS and I were taking a class at church about meeting each others needs. This only seemed to end with aurguments.

The A was totally my fault. My biggest problem in our marriage was that there was no communication. Neither one of us made our spouse a priority. Me I always put others first,the kids and always willing to help a friend. Her it was either the kids or her family.

I know that I made a mistake. I lost everything in my life. I hate the pain that I caused so many people, expecially my BS. She has made so many changes since the A has come out. She is looking great and lately has been very happy when I am around. (i know its a good plan A) Her attitude has change and she truely is a better person than she was before.

I hate what I have became I used to be a great person. I was even nominated to be a decon in our chuch but I obviously had to turn it down. I feel so very bad for all of the BS. I'm sorry.

I still strugle with many things. Even though I know how much pain I have caused my BS I still have not appologized to her, I just dont know the words.

As far as the OW she is out of my life. There are so many things she showed me. I still feel very much in L with her. I made a mistake. I also cause her so much pain. I had never lied to her, I put her first in my life, even before god. I destroyed her life as well as her H. Her H and I became really close friends and I failed him miserably. If I would have only communicated with my BS rather than dealing with it on my own this may have been prevented.

lost in life thank you for your story. If you started your own thread on here of what you want to accomplish and your story there will be people here that will give you solid advice. Some advice you will not agree with and some you will. Yes some people will 2x4 you but most will not. I speaks volumes about your character just to be here to work on your marriage and most people here feel this is the first step towards a great marriage. I'm not a success story as you can see in my signature but I really do believe in the pricipals here. So you and your W are still together? Some of the 2x4 you will get might be just what you need sometime's, people here don't like to candycoat anything which I think is good, blatent honesty is what you will get. As you can see there are some WS here and they tell thier stories and get advice from BS and other WS look at some of whiteknight's threads. I wish you luck and thanks again for telling your story.

thanks LIL for sharing your story and i know you know what you need to do to make things right. generally speaking, that's what all of us want, even the BS. that's what i want is a chance to make things right. i haven't been given the opportunity to show my H the changes because of the circumstances being what they are (living in different states but not because of what's happened). i would like to encourage you to continue to read and post and people do want to help because they know how it feels to either be the BS or the WS and want to spare anyone any more pain than what they are going through.

you know you have access to the best counselor of all God, he's always available and free. but have you considered other types of counseling, a Christian one would be the best whether it's just you or w/you and your W. the counselors from MB are also excellent and feel that SH is a Christian and is certainly advising me that way. you have a lot to offer people here as well and sometimes that's one way we can help ourselves is by helping others. even though it is sad that it took what has happened for things to change in your M, be glad that you are here at MB and that your W is willing to work on the M. Lord knows that is what most of us want, a spouse who wants to work on the M. prayers to you.

RR
Thanks for your reply. I have been seeing a IC for about four months. I'm not sure if I will continue with her. I have a made a lot of mistakes but have not been able to overcome them.

I hope that you get your chance to show your S the changes you have made. I'll be praying for you.

Lostinlife -

I have a question for you, since you are a WS and a Christian. My WH and I were strong Christians. Then he found OW, and has completely changed. He started lying and is not the man I married.

He no longer is welcome at our church, where he has been a member for 17 years. This is because I asked for prayers for our marriage. The pastor called me and I started crying and told him that my WH has been living with OW since July.

My WH still says he loves me and is sorry. He says the Holy Spirit is pounding him. But he is still with OW.

Sorry this is so long. My question to you is, how do you integrate being a Christian with having an affair? I would like to know the thought process, so I can help WH.

By the way, my WH was always a good man. I have forgiven him. I still love him, but am wondering how a WS thinks. Thanks

Lost in Life - I can very much relate to what you are saying - or rather I COULD relate to it. I remember all too well the shame and the pain and the grief of knowing I had to either lose my marriage, my FAMILY, or lose the best friend I'd ever known - the person I thought was my soul mate.

I was back and forth - up and down. One minute I wanted to save my marriage - but the next I'd feel hopeless and depressed and end up talking to the OM again. Then the 'in love' feelings I had would take over and I'd make plans to leave again. My H and I finally seperated for a year. I slowly moved forward with the divorce, mostly because of pressure from BOTH sides of the fence. If I didn't want him, my H wanted to be free to move on. And if I REALLY loved the OM I would GET A DIVORCE so we could move forward. But I just stayed put - stuck - for quite a while.

Eventually the 'glow' of the A wore off. The OM is a nice enough guy and we did have a lot in common - but factor in good old reality and we had a pretty ugly situation ahead of us. Plus the longer I was out on my own the more respect I gained for my H. I came to see the things that he brought to my life. I also learned a lot about personality types - and how total opposites (like my H and I) can have a hard time communicating. The OM and I were the exact same personality type - but I also learned that THAT can have it's disadvantages too. Same weaknesses. My H and I, complete opposites, compliments each other on our strengths and weaknesses. He encourages me to get things done and I encourage FUN in him.

Anyway, to make a long story short - we got back together just a couple of weeks before our divorce was to be final. I didn't know for sure what we could have together, but I KNEW, without a doubt, that I didn't want to be divorced. So I committed to doing whatever it would take to make it work. It's not nearly as hard to get it to work once you're committed to staying, no matter what.

And working it is. I could never have even DREAMED of things being this good! My H has noticed great changes in me and I am THRILLED at the changes in him as well. He IS my best friend. And I do not miss the OM. I remember him - and I'm sorry for what it did to our friendships (he was a long time family friend). But there is NO lingering longing for him - no empty spaces needing to be filled by anyone. I am a complete person married to another complete person - and we are extremely happy and fulfilled. I love when our son comes into our bed and we all cuddle up and sleep late - and I love that EVERY holiday is our holiday - no splitting our son up and shuffling him back and forth. It's everything I ever hoped for.

So I just wanted to share - in case you're fearful that your marriage can't measure up to the A. It won't - because an A is full of anguish and pain, lies and shame. A good marriage is a prize - a blessing. It's comfortable most of the time, crazy some of the time. It's just a much deeper love.

Good luck!

Hope4future,
Just what I am doing, hoping for my future. I'm struggling with doing the right thing for all, which I know in my head is give my H this chance, but my heart is tearing me in two.

I just read your letter. That is right where I am at. I know my place is with my H, but the A seemed so real at times.

I miss the OM, I'm fighting temptation, but it is killing me. I feel such a void, I feel empty.

I'm trying to fill myself with my H, I feel sometimes it is impossible for him to make me Happy.

My H has made many changes, I'm here in body, but I sometimes feel my soul is else where.

I know I can do this and your post gave me inspiration. I so needed to read your post tonight. I'm feeling weak, and vulnerable, but I'm going to stay strong, and fight for my M, no matter how much pain I feel from the loss of the OM. Thank you so much.

LIL - I hope you find your way.

R&P - it's a choice, pure and simple. It's the easiest hardest thing you'll ever do. Make the choice to stay and make it work - and you can. But as long as you allow yourself to fantasize and daydream and wonder about the OM - you'll remain tortured and stuck. THAT'S why it hurts so much, because you aren't ANYWHERE. You're stuck in between two lives - one real and one fantasy.

Honestly, when the fog cleared I saw that either life I chose was simply a life. Neither was better than the other - but one came with heavy consequences that would FOREVER taint that relationship. And I knew once I KNEW that neither life was better than the other, that I would forever be haunted by the knowledge that I COULD have made it work with my H, but I chose the easy way out - the one that felt better at the time. I just couldn't do it - because divorce was SUCH an awful thing to me.

So make a choice - because until you do the pain will just continue to eat away at your soul.

Good luck!!

believer,

For me there was no integrateing being a Christian and having an A. I had great fear going to church. Once the A started the main reason I still went was for the wrong reason. The OW was a member at the church and that is how we met. I continued to go in fear that anyone would find out about the A. Since I moved out of my house I have not been to church.

For me when the A was happening I blocked out God. I couldnt pray I couldnt face him. (I still have some trouble). I have talked to my preacher several time and know that I am still welcome in my church. However I will not go back. To many people to face and so much pain I have caused. I will not go to a new church as of yet but hope someday I will be able to. Not because of the A, but because I still feel I L OW very much. This was my biggest struggle with going to church and being with God. I felt like such a hipocrit (sorry about the spelling). How can I go to church with my W and still L other so deeply.

I know God has forgiven me, but it is still hard to forgive myself. I did this to everyone including OW. Sorry to kind of ramble on with my feelings and I dont know if it makes any sense but I hope it helps.


H4F
I glad things are going well for you. It is good to see things work.

For me I am giving my BS the shot she deserves. I know she reads my post and I'm sure we will discuss this one later.

My story is very much like yours. I also feel that my OW is my soul mate. I however did have guilt for what I had done to my family and my W. I really never wanted to give her another chance. She had made many changes in herself that I hope will make a difference in us. I to had made changes. The reality of it is that it was the OW that brought those changes. I had never been able to open up or communicate with my W. There were so many things in my past that I had never told anyone until the OW. I hope that I can take what I have learned and apply it to my M. Thanks your encouraging words!

R&PS

I also know where you are coming from. I too feel a great void from the OW. She is one of the biggest reasons I'm communicating with my W and trying to make my M work. She also was posting here at MB. Reading her words I saw what joy this brought to her. It was a joy that she has not had in a long time. She felt like her old self agian. It really made me realize I need to let her go, even though I L her so much. I have been communicateing with my W which is a great start. My wife has made many positive changes and I hope it will work. I know about the filling yourself with you S that is what I am doing as well. Though there are so many reminders in her words of the OW. Focus on your S and talk to him that will hopefully take your mind of the OM. I know it is hard not think about the OP because I still do. Best of luck and Stay strong you can do this, repeat after me

I can do this!!

LIL,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though I know how much pain I have caused my BS I still have not appologized to her, I just dont know the words.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you keep waiting to "find" the right words so you can appoligize, you'll never do it. Just tell her how you feel, that you're sorry, and that it will NEVER happen again. She needs to hear this.
Tell her tonight!!!

Hello lost in life,

Well,with all due respect,here comes a 2x4.

I have read all your posts and if you and your W are to have any real recovery here you need to stop pining away for and enhancing the thoughts of this OW.

"Soulmates" is not a word that many of us believe in here and I certainly don't.What we as BS's call it is "A**holemates".It is a word made up in our society to try and romanticize and explain bad behavior.In fact,I recently posted a topic here about an article in Psychology Today that tries to demystify this "soulmate" experience because it's not based in reality and destroys marriages.

Again,

Placing all this "value" on OW:

-she was my soulmate
-I am in love with OW
-she is one of the biggest reasons I am communicating with W
-OW brought on the changes in W
-I have never been able to open up or communicate with my W
-I put her first in my life even before God

Ok,you get the idea.No matter all these statements,your feelings were born out of a fantasy.Also,you do not state if this OW actually was involved in an A with you such as an EA or PA or both,was this all one sided?? She spoke to you privately but there's no mention about how this OW responded to you.

Was a NC letter ever sent? Can you give more specifics here?

I don't mean to offend you but it is painfully apparent,and perhaps especially to your W when she reads this,that you are still very much involved with this OW and even knowing how wrong it was on SO many levels and that OW is supposedly out of your life(is she still at church??),you are still giving it your time,thoughts,energy,all directed at the wrong person.Your WIFE is the one that deserves all the attention that you gave away to this OW whose life you have also destroyed with your actions.You say you are going to give your W the "shot" she deserves.Well that to me sounds very cold.You have some deep work to do yourself as I am sure you are aware.So,let us help you but it's time to redirect your statements to "I" and "we" meaning your wife and yourself.NOT OW!

Not too bad of a 2x4 I hope.But you also need to apologize to your W.There is NO excuse if you are going to try and repair this marriage.JUST DO IT and stop procrastinating.Not finding the words is one big COP OUT.

O

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

R&P

What's up with the name change?

Playing games?

sss

Ummm....you're going to give your wife the chance she deserves???

I don't think you're ready for recovery. Sorry. You're wife DESERVES more than just a chance. You're not some prize for her to win, sir. You are NOT all that and a bag of chips. You are currently a liar - a thief - an adulter. You are NOT someone that most people are going to herald and hold in high regard. Maybe you were, and maybe you can be again - but today, right now, you are exactly what your actions define you to be.

This OW is no more your soul mate than the OM was mine. They're hurting people who are looking to ease their pain the easy way, just like you and I did. Two incomplete people do not make a healthy, whole partnership. They make a mess.

R&P name change??? I am clueless here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ...LOL...anyhow...R&P -- I posted on your own thread because I am concerned about you, and your issues are quite different than the ones we are talking about here...please go over there and read it (even though you said you weren't coming back to this forum, I guess that you are?)

LIL: it's early days for you right? but you say you've read a lot of the MB stuff?

if so, you know that withdrawal will take time...that reconnecting to your W will take time...that losing the attachment to OW will take time...

however, you can shorten this time through concrete actions...you seem to be sincerely trying to work on your M so I'd like to offer a couple of specific suggestions that will help you to break your habit...

1. everytime you find yourself thinking about OW...STOP! replace that thought with one of your W...go on, do it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

if you are having trouble thinking about your W, remembering any of her good points, then write them out...and make them real..."my W makes the best linguine I've ever eaten!"...

think HARD about the thought you've chosen...really focus on it...

simple stuff huh? try it out though...it works...actually, it works for both BS and for WS...

you see, our thoughts lead us to actions...all this fantasizing about OW is what led you to fall in love with her in the first place...

give your W the "shot" but make it real...work HARD to STOP thinking about OW and start thinking about your W instead...

and this includes writing about OW ...STOP writing about her...STOP thinking about your A...

2. start focussing on concrete things you can do: is there a tap to be fixed? lawn to be mowed? are you trying to break a new marathon record? learning to paint???

physical activities serve to distract us very well...

I guarantee you: if you work to change your thought patterns and physically distract yourself, you will shorten the time of the addiction withdrawal...these are well documented techniques BTW...

3. accept for the short-term that you will feel bad ...you will feel like crap because you hurt others...brought pain into their lives...screwed up your own...

it's tough to feel this bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...and sadly, it usually leads to resentment or some other unhealthy reaction...

so for now, the very best thing you can do is to set it aside...focus on what you can do RIGHT for a change...you can't change the past...but you can change the present and the future...

commit to N/C and get to work!!! I think you can do it...awed

LIL I'm going to have to agree with Octobergirl here.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Placing all this "value" on OW:

-she was my soulmate
-I am in love with OW
-she is one of the biggest reasons I am communicating with W
-OW brought on the changes in W
-I have never been able to open up or communicate with my W
-I put her first in my life even before God </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you would have put your W in the place where you put the OW before the A started and actually comunnicated your feelings to your W you wouldn't be in this situation. I know hind sight is 20/20. But if you would do this now I think that you and your W would have the M you both would truely enjoy. JMHO.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

Uh, I did not realize that R&P was veryregretful - and that you are in fact LIL's OW.

This is a huge slap in the face to your wife, LIL - and yet another huge disrespect from you R&P. Don't use this board to pine away for each other - it's COMPLETELY disrespectful of those who have been BETRAYED and LIED TO.

Quit talking about the good people you want to be - and start being good people. Good people don't KNOWINGLY hurt other people. You KNOW BETTER!!!

I CANNOT Believe this! You two are still in contact via this board. Who are you trying to fool! I have no respect for people who try to sabbotage ANY efforts that your BS are making by doing this.

Stop playing these games...both of you! If you are serious about you marriages and your recovery then get on with it. If not then stop stringing your BS's along. I have no patience for games like you two are playing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So to be so harsh, but this has got to be stopped! This is as bad as my WH bringing his OW to MY house! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I CANNOT Believe this! You two are still in contact via this board. Who are you trying to fool! I have no respect for people who try to sabbotage ANY efforts that your BS are making by doing this.

Stop playing these games...both of you! If you are serious about you marriages and your recovery then get on with it. If not then stop stringing your BS's along. I have no patience for games like you two are playing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sorry to be so harsh, but this has got to be stopped! This is as bad as my WH bringing his OW to MY house! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is also disrespectful for all these good hearted people who have taken the time and energy to post to you and try to help you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />