WH sends letter-You have to read this!! - 08/05/04 07:48 PM
I am so sick of reading this crap. He is trying to blame me. Any thoughts??
By now, I have memorized the email that you sent me. I know that I have caused you extreme pain. I have caused a lot of people the same pain. I can’t believe this has happened. I thought that I had found the woman of my dreams and that we would spend the rest of our lives together. It’s it totally out of my character to initiate the events that have transpired. I know you don’t believe it, but it hurts me something terrible to reflect on the reality that I have created. I always wanted to have a family and never wanted to raise a child in a split family. I’ve seen first hand the pain that can cause and the lack of stability. Unfortunately, I have placed us in this position. Our love faded away so fast. I was not getting the love and support that I had and needed from you during all the events that took place in the last year. You were so caught up on the possibility of losing your job, getting pregnant again, what out friends were doing, and the things that you needed in life. Somehow there just wasn’t any time for me and what I needed. Of course I didn’t communicate my needs and concerns. I have always tried to protect you and be your anchor. I never wanted to burden you with everything that was on our plate. My job was being transitioned and we lost the baby. I was trying to cope with twelve people losing their position and driving the business to Kansas. I was trying to protect you. Everyone always said that I was being so strong at work and my family, but it just seemed like you were on the sideline. The spiral just continued with JD’s deal and Mom’s surgery. I reflect back and don’t even remember you being there for me emotionally during those times. Upstairs and downstairs, all I could see was our marriage becoming was you in bed early and me sleeping on the couch. What happened to the love and embrace? Everyone says that I’m easy to read emotionally. Why couldn’t you? You knew me better than anyone. I tried to spend more time watching TV with you. I really saw you becoming your mother and growing old before my eyes. Everything was on a schedule and there was no spontaneity. Why did our love become such a science project? We were so young. We should have been going and doing things that we always did…bowling, movies, cuddling, love, etc…
The guilt of the affair has been brutal. I have lost 37 lbs. so don’t think it hasn’t impacted me. I am much more withdrawn at work. I don’t know what the future holds. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I don’t anticipate that you will forgive me. I wouldn’t if I was in your shoes. I just want to make the best life I can for my son at this point. I know that has been your focus over the last few months. Your letter is the first time you shared any feelings with me since I left. I’ve been pretty devastated by it. I’ll never know what might have been. I know that I will never be the man that I was. I will never be whole like I was before. It’s sad. The one thing that always kept me proud and confidents was my character and doing the right thing. I do plan on going back to church and trying to get in touch with the lord again. I know he will give me strength. God will set things right and he will make me pay for my actions. That I know.
I am not writing this to feel better (I feel worse as I write it). I am just sharing my thoughts. Today is another landmark day that stings so badly. I am determined not to fall back into a state of depression. It’s tough. I have destroyed you the one I loved most in life and my family is completely torn apart as well as yours. My Dad and I don’t have the relationship we once had and JD and I hang in the balance day to day. My mother is torn because she loves you so much. You are and always will be the daughter she never had. I worry about who you will find and fall in love with. How will that person be with Peyton? The only half assed positive thing to come out of this is…I know who my true friends are. I also know that everyone has a story. It’s unbelievable to think of all the problems I have been sheltered from with friends and family. I have led a pretty naïve life up until now. I wish I could see the future and fix the past. I can’t. I can only go forward and that’s the only direction you can go. No one knows what is around the next corner. I am and always will be sorry for betraying you. I have not been lying to myself for years. I just played too tough and lied to myself for six months. I broke down and went outside our marriage to find the things that were missing.
I speculate from your email and other comments that you’ve made that you are extremely taken back by the fact that I’ve shown zero emotion around you. I have put up a wall. I felt I had too to protect Peyton during the pregnancy. I am as emotional as ever crying etc…. I just couldn’t let you see my emotions during this time. I thought it was best for you and Peyton. There is a big hole in the bottom left-hand side of my heart. What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife? Only a Pathetic [censored]! This will always be my biggest failure and disappointment. I can’t image doing anything that could be worse outside of ending a life. I could probably go on forever…still wordy, but you have probably stopped reading about two and a half paragraphs ago. Nothing I say or do will ever restore the love, trust, and friendship that we had in this life. Like you said…”You don’t even know me anymore”.
By now, I have memorized the email that you sent me. I know that I have caused you extreme pain. I have caused a lot of people the same pain. I can’t believe this has happened. I thought that I had found the woman of my dreams and that we would spend the rest of our lives together. It’s it totally out of my character to initiate the events that have transpired. I know you don’t believe it, but it hurts me something terrible to reflect on the reality that I have created. I always wanted to have a family and never wanted to raise a child in a split family. I’ve seen first hand the pain that can cause and the lack of stability. Unfortunately, I have placed us in this position. Our love faded away so fast. I was not getting the love and support that I had and needed from you during all the events that took place in the last year. You were so caught up on the possibility of losing your job, getting pregnant again, what out friends were doing, and the things that you needed in life. Somehow there just wasn’t any time for me and what I needed. Of course I didn’t communicate my needs and concerns. I have always tried to protect you and be your anchor. I never wanted to burden you with everything that was on our plate. My job was being transitioned and we lost the baby. I was trying to cope with twelve people losing their position and driving the business to Kansas. I was trying to protect you. Everyone always said that I was being so strong at work and my family, but it just seemed like you were on the sideline. The spiral just continued with JD’s deal and Mom’s surgery. I reflect back and don’t even remember you being there for me emotionally during those times. Upstairs and downstairs, all I could see was our marriage becoming was you in bed early and me sleeping on the couch. What happened to the love and embrace? Everyone says that I’m easy to read emotionally. Why couldn’t you? You knew me better than anyone. I tried to spend more time watching TV with you. I really saw you becoming your mother and growing old before my eyes. Everything was on a schedule and there was no spontaneity. Why did our love become such a science project? We were so young. We should have been going and doing things that we always did…bowling, movies, cuddling, love, etc…
The guilt of the affair has been brutal. I have lost 37 lbs. so don’t think it hasn’t impacted me. I am much more withdrawn at work. I don’t know what the future holds. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I don’t anticipate that you will forgive me. I wouldn’t if I was in your shoes. I just want to make the best life I can for my son at this point. I know that has been your focus over the last few months. Your letter is the first time you shared any feelings with me since I left. I’ve been pretty devastated by it. I’ll never know what might have been. I know that I will never be the man that I was. I will never be whole like I was before. It’s sad. The one thing that always kept me proud and confidents was my character and doing the right thing. I do plan on going back to church and trying to get in touch with the lord again. I know he will give me strength. God will set things right and he will make me pay for my actions. That I know.
I am not writing this to feel better (I feel worse as I write it). I am just sharing my thoughts. Today is another landmark day that stings so badly. I am determined not to fall back into a state of depression. It’s tough. I have destroyed you the one I loved most in life and my family is completely torn apart as well as yours. My Dad and I don’t have the relationship we once had and JD and I hang in the balance day to day. My mother is torn because she loves you so much. You are and always will be the daughter she never had. I worry about who you will find and fall in love with. How will that person be with Peyton? The only half assed positive thing to come out of this is…I know who my true friends are. I also know that everyone has a story. It’s unbelievable to think of all the problems I have been sheltered from with friends and family. I have led a pretty naïve life up until now. I wish I could see the future and fix the past. I can’t. I can only go forward and that’s the only direction you can go. No one knows what is around the next corner. I am and always will be sorry for betraying you. I have not been lying to myself for years. I just played too tough and lied to myself for six months. I broke down and went outside our marriage to find the things that were missing.
I speculate from your email and other comments that you’ve made that you are extremely taken back by the fact that I’ve shown zero emotion around you. I have put up a wall. I felt I had too to protect Peyton during the pregnancy. I am as emotional as ever crying etc…. I just couldn’t let you see my emotions during this time. I thought it was best for you and Peyton. There is a big hole in the bottom left-hand side of my heart. What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife? Only a Pathetic [censored]! This will always be my biggest failure and disappointment. I can’t image doing anything that could be worse outside of ending a life. I could probably go on forever…still wordy, but you have probably stopped reading about two and a half paragraphs ago. Nothing I say or do will ever restore the love, trust, and friendship that we had in this life. Like you said…”You don’t even know me anymore”.