I am so sick of reading this crap. He is trying to blame me. Any thoughts??

By now, I have memorized the email that you sent me. I know that I have caused you extreme pain. I have caused a lot of people the same pain. I can’t believe this has happened. I thought that I had found the woman of my dreams and that we would spend the rest of our lives together. It’s it totally out of my character to initiate the events that have transpired. I know you don’t believe it, but it hurts me something terrible to reflect on the reality that I have created. I always wanted to have a family and never wanted to raise a child in a split family. I’ve seen first hand the pain that can cause and the lack of stability. Unfortunately, I have placed us in this position. Our love faded away so fast. I was not getting the love and support that I had and needed from you during all the events that took place in the last year. You were so caught up on the possibility of losing your job, getting pregnant again, what out friends were doing, and the things that you needed in life. Somehow there just wasn’t any time for me and what I needed. Of course I didn’t communicate my needs and concerns. I have always tried to protect you and be your anchor. I never wanted to burden you with everything that was on our plate. My job was being transitioned and we lost the baby. I was trying to cope with twelve people losing their position and driving the business to Kansas. I was trying to protect you. Everyone always said that I was being so strong at work and my family, but it just seemed like you were on the sideline. The spiral just continued with JD’s deal and Mom’s surgery. I reflect back and don’t even remember you being there for me emotionally during those times. Upstairs and downstairs, all I could see was our marriage becoming was you in bed early and me sleeping on the couch. What happened to the love and embrace? Everyone says that I’m easy to read emotionally. Why couldn’t you? You knew me better than anyone. I tried to spend more time watching TV with you. I really saw you becoming your mother and growing old before my eyes. Everything was on a schedule and there was no spontaneity. Why did our love become such a science project? We were so young. We should have been going and doing things that we always did…bowling, movies, cuddling, love, etc…
The guilt of the affair has been brutal. I have lost 37 lbs. so don’t think it hasn’t impacted me. I am much more withdrawn at work. I don’t know what the future holds. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I don’t anticipate that you will forgive me. I wouldn’t if I was in your shoes. I just want to make the best life I can for my son at this point. I know that has been your focus over the last few months. Your letter is the first time you shared any feelings with me since I left. I’ve been pretty devastated by it. I’ll never know what might have been. I know that I will never be the man that I was. I will never be whole like I was before. It’s sad. The one thing that always kept me proud and confidents was my character and doing the right thing. I do plan on going back to church and trying to get in touch with the lord again. I know he will give me strength. God will set things right and he will make me pay for my actions. That I know.
I am not writing this to feel better (I feel worse as I write it). I am just sharing my thoughts. Today is another landmark day that stings so badly. I am determined not to fall back into a state of depression. It’s tough. I have destroyed you the one I loved most in life and my family is completely torn apart as well as yours. My Dad and I don’t have the relationship we once had and JD and I hang in the balance day to day. My mother is torn because she loves you so much. You are and always will be the daughter she never had. I worry about who you will find and fall in love with. How will that person be with Peyton? The only half assed positive thing to come out of this is…I know who my true friends are. I also know that everyone has a story. It’s unbelievable to think of all the problems I have been sheltered from with friends and family. I have led a pretty naïve life up until now. I wish I could see the future and fix the past. I can’t. I can only go forward and that’s the only direction you can go. No one knows what is around the next corner. I am and always will be sorry for betraying you. I have not been lying to myself for years. I just played too tough and lied to myself for six months. I broke down and went outside our marriage to find the things that were missing.
I speculate from your email and other comments that you’ve made that you are extremely taken back by the fact that I’ve shown zero emotion around you. I have put up a wall. I felt I had too to protect Peyton during the pregnancy. I am as emotional as ever crying etc…. I just couldn’t let you see my emotions during this time. I thought it was best for you and Peyton. There is a big hole in the bottom left-hand side of my heart. What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife? Only a Pathetic [censored]! This will always be my biggest failure and disappointment. I can’t image doing anything that could be worse outside of ending a life. I could probably go on forever…still wordy, but you have probably stopped reading about two and a half paragraphs ago. Nothing I say or do will ever restore the love, trust, and friendship that we had in this life. Like you said…”You don’t even know me anymore”.

What e-mail is he referring to?

Stay dark.

Do not rescue him from his needed crash. It's coming.

WAT

wow, so many differences yet so many similarities (w/our situations and our WS). i guess i just don't know what his "true" point is by sending this to you. hard to say when he is probably still fog bound. i haven't kept up w/your story so i can't speak to everything. but how did he send the letter, was it email or regular mail? hope you are still staying dark cause it sounds like what you are doing is working, prayers to you, RR

What is your current feeling about allowing him in the delivery?

Fog babble. There sure is a lot of this going on today.

Will post more later.

Oh My GOD...sounds so much like the emails I get from my WH. I swear it must be guilt eating them up...that and of course FOG talk.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm having a hard time coping with my own mess. I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. Does your H want to fix the marriage or is he running away like my H?

I thank my lucky stars I am not a married man cheating on my pregnant wife ..... that poor guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Let's all chip in and send him flowers.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

"Poor me. You have no idea how lousy I feel for betraying you while you carry our unborn child in your womb. This hurts me so much to betray you."

Pathetic.

Pep

I don't know about the delivery. Waiting to see how I feel. I want to scream when he states where was I. Uhhh here at home when you were out with the OW and still stay with her.
I can't wait to see what he feels like when our son is here. I am glad I am not him that is for sure. I will get to see my son everyday.

What was the e-mail he referred to?

durham,

I keep up with your posts but don't think I've ever replied, until now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The guilt of the affair has been brutal. I have lost 37 lbs. so don’t think it hasn’t impacted me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">UGH!! My WH has said similar things--about how rotten he feels and how hard this whole thing is for him to deal with.

Hello???!!?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Who made the decision to step out on the M?

They really, REALLY are aliens! You are doing very well for a almost-ready-to-give-birth woman. Hang tough! The baby will bring all kinds of joy to you.

LL

Of course this is all fog talk. He knows what he did/is doing is wrong but is not willing to take steps to make it right, at least not yet. He says "I just want to make the best life I can for my son at this point." The best life for his son would be a Mother and Father who are happily married, yet he is not willing to do this. He has accepted to seeing his son for 8 hours a week, kind of sad - for him. You are right when you say you are glad you are not him. I can't image a worse person to be, except maybe my WH!

It is nice to hear he is sorry, feeling guilty and suffering. Maybe it's a start to something, maybe not. There is nothing you can do about that so keep focusing on you and the baby.

Hi Durham,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The guilt of the affair has been brutal. I have lost 37 lbs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GOOD! I hope his hair falls out, too!

I agree with WAT, Pep and all... stay dark, let him sink. He feels bad but he's still humping the SOW, right? I'd be very tempted to send him the flowers 'Feel better, soon! - your pregnant abandoned wife'.

Of course he's justifying his actions by listing your faults (real or exaggerated). Otherwise he'd have to feel worse. Dont get caught up in his drama. His letter hijacked your brain, please try not to think about this all night. Please take care - Dru

D, thinking of you and hope that you and your baby are fine. When is the due day?

If you ever read one of my posts, my WH sent me a letter too. It is nonsense. Just stay in your course and take care of youself and the baby. {{{{{{{{{Duhnam}}}}}}}}

Durham - Actually I think he's got it!

"What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife? Only a Pathetic [censored]!"

Oh how noble of him to protect you from it all by finding another woman to "unload" on.
Seriously, better to do that than burden you! Unbelievable.

Oh and how callous of you not to be there for him while you were grieving the loss of your child. Oh and while you were being betrayed.

Maybe if he had reached out for you instead of OW things may have been different. Did he give you a chance?

Also sounds like leaving the marriage to find happiness (as marriage was not making him happy) has really worked. Lost weight, circles under eyes, bordering on depression, poor relationships now eith friends and family, even trouble in paradise.

Sure sounds like he has found Utopia with this OW doesn't it.

Oh and I hope he has success with getting God's blessing for betraying his pregnant wife. Sounds like he is going to try.

Its all howash. Fogspeak.

At least he seems to be missing what he had there with you. He sounds very sorry, but mainly for himself and a bit about what he has done.


Keep it. He won't be able to believe he wrote it one day when you are in recovery. Seriously he will probably not believe he wrote it.
C&S

Durham, I always received the very same e-mails, cards, and tug at your heartstring letters from my WH when he was low and melancholy. Those very same times, I weaked and gave in to this...making my personal recovery all the more difficult. The blame which he places on you throughout the letter is his selfish inability to accept his "wrong doing". I've been through this all, and nearly two years out from D-Day, my H is still doing the same old tug at your heartstrings act; but the only difference is I'm stronger and recognize that the person he refers to is himself and not me. It is glorious to be free of the oppression of his guilt! A few of the MB'ers such as Star, Takola, Le, Lulu can attest to the struggle I endured. I learned a great deal from their experience and wisdom and now recognize that action is the true telltale sign of a person truly wanting to change for the better. Good Luck

Hum. Hmmm. Okay.

Your WH is in a deep load of pain. He's expressing the real, heart-wrenching emotions of a man who was legitimately unhappy in his marriage and who knows he completely screwed up in how he dealt with it.

So far, so good.

Are you to blame for the state of your marriage before the affair? Ayup, you can have exactly one-half of that blame. And he can have exactly one-half of that blame too.

Now, what I would honest-to-god love is if someone (I'll volunteer) took him outside behind the wood shed with a copy of this e-mail and gave him the kind of man-to-man talk (yes, I know I'm a girl. I'm pretty sure I could do it anyway) that he needs.

It goes something like this:

Yup, ya screwed up, didn't you.

Yup, hurts like hell.

Yeah, I know. Your integrity is shot right now. That really sucks.

No, it's really not gonna get better all on its own.

Do about it? Son, if you're actually to the point of being ready to DO something about it, half our battle is won. So are you? Or are you gonna continue acting like a train-wreck in slow motion?

Durham, go back and see how many times he says,'I', and me in his message! Very telling when you think about it. He's babbling!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

oops double post

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: cherise ]</small>

Hi Durham,

This would be a good opportunity to re-send him your plan B letter, with a cover: please do not contact me until OW is out of your life and you are ready to work on the marriage.. (or whatever appropriate.

Cant these letters go through your intemediatary? I cant remember, it's him mom? That letter did nothing but let him dump on you. I'd bet it didnt alleviate any of his guilt (again: GOOD!), but it got you all distressed and worked up. You've had so much pain, I hate to see him to continue to inflict more. Please take care - Dru