TooSoonToBeComfortable - 09/02/04 10:51 AM
Toosoon, here is the answers on the questions you posted to me on Dan’s thread. I send it separately because I don’t want to highjack Dan’s thread with this long post. I gave some background and explanations with my answers to you so that you can get the full picture. This post is very long, so I hope you won’t mind.
Did you feel you were in love with the OM during your EA?
Yes, I did, but it took almost 3 years to reach this stage. The friendship started out as platonic but as the friendship developed and we became closer friends and greater confidents, my emotional attachment & attraction towards OM became stronger. It developed into an EA very slowly and with pass of time. By the time I realized I’m ‘in love’ with him, I was too deep involved with the feelings & emotions already and it was difficult to get out of it. I was raised with the perception (and by my father’s example) that there is nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships as long as there is no physical involvement, declarations of love towards each other etc. I first learn about EA’s and that I was involved in one after I’ve discovered this website on MB and after my own inappropriate involvement corrected all the wrong perceptions I had about opposite sex friendships. (On this thread you can read more about the wrong perceptions I had and what I’ve learned from my experience.) Although my H knew about the friendship and although the EA didn’t happen intentionally, there was some things I kept secret from my H: 1.) I didn’t told my H about the subtle ‘jokes’ and flirting on e-mail; 2) I didn’t told my H about OM’s continuous request of photos and that I e-mail holiday photo’s of me to him and 3) I didn’t told my H about the strong attachment I developed towards OM during the friendship. Yes, I learned to care for OM very much, but today I realize I was not really in love with OM, but with the ‘fantasy’ of him. I’ve also learned to never get 'too' joking around' with someone of opposite sex. I realise now I was unintentially flirting back by 'taking the bait' and giving off certain vibes for OM to pick up on though I didn't realise it at the time… I’ve started to respond to OM’s ‘jokes’ on e-mail... The computer screen made me feel ‘safe’ since there was not direct contact with OM in person (where I could see him or hear his voice). So, I have learned flirting and joking on e-mail and through Internet can just be as damaging and dangerous...
How long did it take to break the A and how long did it take you to reconnect with your husband?
As I’ve told Dan yesterday, the friendship continued for 6 months after D-day. OM ended the friendship himself. After D-day, I kept my distance from OM and tried to kept the friendship on appropriate level but OM couldn’t accept my conditions and boundaries and broke off the friendship very abruptly. I honestly don’t know if I would ever have the strength to end the friendship myself and today I’m very thankful that things happened this way. After the friendship was ended by him, I didn’t hear from OM for 7 months and during this time I started withdrawal, discovered MB and decided that if OM would ever try to contact me again and restart the friendship, I would not allow it and have NC with him. During this time I tried to reconnect with my H but I struggled because of intense withdrawal and depression. I went back to my counselor and was put on A/D’s again. This helped a lot and after this I could start ‘real recovery’ and start to fully reconnect with my H. OM indeed tried to contact me again, but I ignored him. After his second attempt, I send him a NC-letter. In total it took approximately 18 months to get through withdrawal and to ‘get over’ OM completely.
How is your relationship today? Is your marriage back to normal, better or worse?
Is it different than before the affair?
Toosoon, my M is back to normal and our relationship is much better than it was before the A. We both have learned and grown from this… I feel very grateful towards God for so many things in my life, but I’m most grateful that God has used this painful experience to make me a much stronger person and have used it to teach me very valuable lessons in life. God can certainly take any painful and negative experience and let something good came out of it if we are obedient to Him and have faith and trust in Him. Me and my H’s communication is much better than it was before the A and we have totally Honesty and Openness about everything now in our M. Me & hubby are very committed and loyal to each other, we are each other’s best friends, we enjoy each other’s company and we enjoy spending time together etc. However, there is some things I struggle with in my M and things about my H and us that concerns me… It’s about the romantic love in our M I feel is lacking… I don’t want to go in depth about it here, so you can read more about it on this thread.
Was an EN lacking prior to the affair and is it better filled today?
I’ve always had and still have a very deep need for deep communication and total openness & honesty about feelings, thoughts, emotions, experiences etc. I want to be heard and understood. My whole life these things have been a very deep need for me. Because of our different temperaments, my H doesn’t have the same needs for these EN’s than me, so yes, these EN’s were lacking in some ways prior to the A. It is better filled today, but not as much as I would like it to be. However, I have learned to get this needs filled on other ways than having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I’ve developed close same sex friendships and I read many psychological, spiritual and religious books.
Or was it a simple act of selfishness on your part?
I were selfish in some ways (I think all WS’s are in certain ways) and I take full responsibility and the blame for my own wrong choices. However, although the EA happened as a result of some unfulfilled EN’s, it also happened because of my personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Many of this has to do with my childhood. I was physically & sexually abused as a child; me & my father never really shared a close bond and emotionally my father was not available. In some ways I viewed OM as a ‘father figure’, he gave me attention and unconsciously helped to fill those needs. I think my EA had more to do with this (self-esteem issues, need for approval etc. because of childhood issues) than with issues in my M.
<small>[ September 02, 2004, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>
Did you feel you were in love with the OM during your EA?
Yes, I did, but it took almost 3 years to reach this stage. The friendship started out as platonic but as the friendship developed and we became closer friends and greater confidents, my emotional attachment & attraction towards OM became stronger. It developed into an EA very slowly and with pass of time. By the time I realized I’m ‘in love’ with him, I was too deep involved with the feelings & emotions already and it was difficult to get out of it. I was raised with the perception (and by my father’s example) that there is nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships as long as there is no physical involvement, declarations of love towards each other etc. I first learn about EA’s and that I was involved in one after I’ve discovered this website on MB and after my own inappropriate involvement corrected all the wrong perceptions I had about opposite sex friendships. (On this thread you can read more about the wrong perceptions I had and what I’ve learned from my experience.) Although my H knew about the friendship and although the EA didn’t happen intentionally, there was some things I kept secret from my H: 1.) I didn’t told my H about the subtle ‘jokes’ and flirting on e-mail; 2) I didn’t told my H about OM’s continuous request of photos and that I e-mail holiday photo’s of me to him and 3) I didn’t told my H about the strong attachment I developed towards OM during the friendship. Yes, I learned to care for OM very much, but today I realize I was not really in love with OM, but with the ‘fantasy’ of him. I’ve also learned to never get 'too' joking around' with someone of opposite sex. I realise now I was unintentially flirting back by 'taking the bait' and giving off certain vibes for OM to pick up on though I didn't realise it at the time… I’ve started to respond to OM’s ‘jokes’ on e-mail... The computer screen made me feel ‘safe’ since there was not direct contact with OM in person (where I could see him or hear his voice). So, I have learned flirting and joking on e-mail and through Internet can just be as damaging and dangerous...
How long did it take to break the A and how long did it take you to reconnect with your husband?
As I’ve told Dan yesterday, the friendship continued for 6 months after D-day. OM ended the friendship himself. After D-day, I kept my distance from OM and tried to kept the friendship on appropriate level but OM couldn’t accept my conditions and boundaries and broke off the friendship very abruptly. I honestly don’t know if I would ever have the strength to end the friendship myself and today I’m very thankful that things happened this way. After the friendship was ended by him, I didn’t hear from OM for 7 months and during this time I started withdrawal, discovered MB and decided that if OM would ever try to contact me again and restart the friendship, I would not allow it and have NC with him. During this time I tried to reconnect with my H but I struggled because of intense withdrawal and depression. I went back to my counselor and was put on A/D’s again. This helped a lot and after this I could start ‘real recovery’ and start to fully reconnect with my H. OM indeed tried to contact me again, but I ignored him. After his second attempt, I send him a NC-letter. In total it took approximately 18 months to get through withdrawal and to ‘get over’ OM completely.
How is your relationship today? Is your marriage back to normal, better or worse?
Is it different than before the affair?
Toosoon, my M is back to normal and our relationship is much better than it was before the A. We both have learned and grown from this… I feel very grateful towards God for so many things in my life, but I’m most grateful that God has used this painful experience to make me a much stronger person and have used it to teach me very valuable lessons in life. God can certainly take any painful and negative experience and let something good came out of it if we are obedient to Him and have faith and trust in Him. Me and my H’s communication is much better than it was before the A and we have totally Honesty and Openness about everything now in our M. Me & hubby are very committed and loyal to each other, we are each other’s best friends, we enjoy each other’s company and we enjoy spending time together etc. However, there is some things I struggle with in my M and things about my H and us that concerns me… It’s about the romantic love in our M I feel is lacking… I don’t want to go in depth about it here, so you can read more about it on this thread.
Was an EN lacking prior to the affair and is it better filled today?
I’ve always had and still have a very deep need for deep communication and total openness & honesty about feelings, thoughts, emotions, experiences etc. I want to be heard and understood. My whole life these things have been a very deep need for me. Because of our different temperaments, my H doesn’t have the same needs for these EN’s than me, so yes, these EN’s were lacking in some ways prior to the A. It is better filled today, but not as much as I would like it to be. However, I have learned to get this needs filled on other ways than having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I’ve developed close same sex friendships and I read many psychological, spiritual and religious books.
Or was it a simple act of selfishness on your part?
I were selfish in some ways (I think all WS’s are in certain ways) and I take full responsibility and the blame for my own wrong choices. However, although the EA happened as a result of some unfulfilled EN’s, it also happened because of my personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Many of this has to do with my childhood. I was physically & sexually abused as a child; me & my father never really shared a close bond and emotionally my father was not available. In some ways I viewed OM as a ‘father figure’, he gave me attention and unconsciously helped to fill those needs. I think my EA had more to do with this (self-esteem issues, need for approval etc. because of childhood issues) than with issues in my M.
<small>[ September 02, 2004, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>