Help-not new, just mostly lurk, but need more now - 11/28/04 04:46 AM
Sorry, but this is long. Please try to stick it out. I am posting it on both General and emotional Needs.
I am mostly a lurker, though I have posted in the past... I am just at my wits end and although I find lots of great advice just reading here, I really need HELP. I don't know how to link back to my story, so I will recap.
Last year, 03, my H and I were having lots of problems. - Before this even though, I have not had many of my needs met for a very long time and had tried begging, yelling, logical arguments, threatening... I know now, albeit not by his own admission, that many of my H's needs were not being met either. - He became even more distant and irritable with me last year. And went on a business trip, over my B-day, without me, although I really wanted to go. He was rather insistent that I didn't go and I didn't push it. We went out to celebrate my B-day, the Fri. before he left. We went to dinner and came home before 9:00. Before I went to put my youngest to bed, I even asked him if he would stay up and watch a movie with me (one of my problems with him was that he was in bed by 9 or so always, never giving us time together and we rarely went out). By 9:15, when I came downstairs, he was asleep- in bed with the light off. I was very hurt. He woke up at about 1:00 AM and irritably approached me, with "I guess you're mad now, huh?!" I said "No, just really hurt" and an argument ensued....one of many over the years and getting much worse and more frequent.
After this I started thinking very hard that my H was acting funny and might be having an affair. I eventually - 2 months later- put a recording device in his car. In the first two days, I overheard one side of conversations in which he was saying how unhappy he was and how awful I was. H denies to this day that he was talking to anyone, states that he was talking to self. This might be a viable argument but he said "... you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> have to see things from my perspective.." , in one conversation. At another point he says that he "should talk to her (me). Tell her that I don't love her anymore and that we're complete opposites". That one really hurt, still does. Not to mention that I can hear a woman's voice in the tape twice, answering him. One specialist that cleaned up the tape said that there was quite possibly two-way radios used. One recording was awful, I was nervous and put it under the backseat.
Anyway, I threw him out for a week, took him back, went to MC, and I tried Plan A eventually after realizing that some of his hurtful "overheard" comments were a plea for better domestic help from me. I've always worked hard at home (small part-time job outsideof home) but more outside work than inside. I thought that I was doing him a favor, since we have horses and small acreage because I wanted that. But I was neglecting laundry and cooking and some housecleaning. I have done better since last year, except for cooking and that just depends on circumstances, but I do not like to cook. I have never been able to do Plan B, nor do I necessarily think that it is necessary. I also KNOW how much this man loves his kids!
I have never found any other "real" evidence of an affair, and tend to think that he was close, but never went any further than what I heard. My problem now is his dishonesty about the whole thing and the fact that although I really think that he wants to be with me, he won't listen to or respond to my needs.
Please don't tell me to forget it and go on. Honesty and Openness has always been one of my biggest needs and my H is not an open person to begin with. But downright lying is a bitter pill and I cannot/will not swallow it. Of course he has lied before: about both big and little things and almost always to stay out of trouble. He is a true conflict avoider! And I am quite the opposite, just let"s get it all out....and deal with the consequences.
I have read enough to know that I can't change him, only myself. I honestly have changed and continue to try to better myself, for my M and life, in general. Now what.? I am not ready to quit, although I get real close some days. I am not ready to accept that this is "As good as it gets". So I keep hitting a brick wall!! I have strongly encouraged H to lurk here, really pushed, trying not to actually get too pushy. He says that he sees nothing that pertains to "us".
I have bought all the books, found recreations (taking swing-dancing), printed out many articles and threads.
HELP....Now what?! If I just let well enough alone, he would say everything is fine. If I bring up problems, he says I am too negative. I have let things go, slightly encouraged talk and time.., tried EVERYTHING (well, probably not everything)..I have recently been thinking about a comment on an recent MB thread, "he doesn't trust ..[ME].. " . This is so true and I have contributed to that, with my LBs and angry outbursts, really am doing better since I found this site, but still not perfect, of course.
So much more to add and ask, but keeping it short- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Thanks in advance,
jl
I am mostly a lurker, though I have posted in the past... I am just at my wits end and although I find lots of great advice just reading here, I really need HELP. I don't know how to link back to my story, so I will recap.
Last year, 03, my H and I were having lots of problems. - Before this even though, I have not had many of my needs met for a very long time and had tried begging, yelling, logical arguments, threatening... I know now, albeit not by his own admission, that many of my H's needs were not being met either. - He became even more distant and irritable with me last year. And went on a business trip, over my B-day, without me, although I really wanted to go. He was rather insistent that I didn't go and I didn't push it. We went out to celebrate my B-day, the Fri. before he left. We went to dinner and came home before 9:00. Before I went to put my youngest to bed, I even asked him if he would stay up and watch a movie with me (one of my problems with him was that he was in bed by 9 or so always, never giving us time together and we rarely went out). By 9:15, when I came downstairs, he was asleep- in bed with the light off. I was very hurt. He woke up at about 1:00 AM and irritably approached me, with "I guess you're mad now, huh?!" I said "No, just really hurt" and an argument ensued....one of many over the years and getting much worse and more frequent.
After this I started thinking very hard that my H was acting funny and might be having an affair. I eventually - 2 months later- put a recording device in his car. In the first two days, I overheard one side of conversations in which he was saying how unhappy he was and how awful I was. H denies to this day that he was talking to anyone, states that he was talking to self. This might be a viable argument but he said "... you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> have to see things from my perspective.." , in one conversation. At another point he says that he "should talk to her (me). Tell her that I don't love her anymore and that we're complete opposites". That one really hurt, still does. Not to mention that I can hear a woman's voice in the tape twice, answering him. One specialist that cleaned up the tape said that there was quite possibly two-way radios used. One recording was awful, I was nervous and put it under the backseat.
Anyway, I threw him out for a week, took him back, went to MC, and I tried Plan A eventually after realizing that some of his hurtful "overheard" comments were a plea for better domestic help from me. I've always worked hard at home (small part-time job outsideof home) but more outside work than inside. I thought that I was doing him a favor, since we have horses and small acreage because I wanted that. But I was neglecting laundry and cooking and some housecleaning. I have done better since last year, except for cooking and that just depends on circumstances, but I do not like to cook. I have never been able to do Plan B, nor do I necessarily think that it is necessary. I also KNOW how much this man loves his kids!
I have never found any other "real" evidence of an affair, and tend to think that he was close, but never went any further than what I heard. My problem now is his dishonesty about the whole thing and the fact that although I really think that he wants to be with me, he won't listen to or respond to my needs.
Please don't tell me to forget it and go on. Honesty and Openness has always been one of my biggest needs and my H is not an open person to begin with. But downright lying is a bitter pill and I cannot/will not swallow it. Of course he has lied before: about both big and little things and almost always to stay out of trouble. He is a true conflict avoider! And I am quite the opposite, just let"s get it all out....and deal with the consequences.
I have read enough to know that I can't change him, only myself. I honestly have changed and continue to try to better myself, for my M and life, in general. Now what.? I am not ready to quit, although I get real close some days. I am not ready to accept that this is "As good as it gets". So I keep hitting a brick wall!! I have strongly encouraged H to lurk here, really pushed, trying not to actually get too pushy. He says that he sees nothing that pertains to "us".
I have bought all the books, found recreations (taking swing-dancing), printed out many articles and threads.
HELP....Now what?! If I just let well enough alone, he would say everything is fine. If I bring up problems, he says I am too negative. I have let things go, slightly encouraged talk and time.., tried EVERYTHING (well, probably not everything)..I have recently been thinking about a comment on an recent MB thread, "he doesn't trust ..[ME].. " . This is so true and I have contributed to that, with my LBs and angry outbursts, really am doing better since I found this site, but still not perfect, of course.
So much more to add and ask, but keeping it short- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Thanks in advance,
jl