is he cheating again? please help me - Marriage Builders® Forums

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my sig tells our story. to get to the point, tonight i was switching over things from his wallet to the new wallet i had bought him. in it, i found a letter from a girl, talking about how much she loves him, how she was so happy he finally had sex with her and how great it was, and worse, that she would be a great stepmom to our daughter.

DH was asleep. i calmly went into our bedroom and woke him up and asked him "what is this" he said, i don't know, let me see it. i showed it to him and then started telling him what it said. he said, i have no idea how it got there, i have never seen it before. he was extrememly calm. i told him i was switching stuff to the new wallet and he said he didn't know what it was. he said, why would i leave it there where you could find it?

he looked me in the eyes and swore on our daughter and his mother (he never does this, i can always tell if he is trying to play a practical joke, like "honey, i got another speeding ticket", me "no way, you swear on DD?" him, "no." ) he said he is going to find out who did it. that someone is trying to cause problems for him.

i don't know what to do. we talked for awhile and he swears that there is no one. that if there was he would tell me and leave.

in my heart, i can't believe that he would do it and bold faced lie to me. he would tell me. but, there is a little voice that is driving me crazy inside. i am terrified. i want to believe him.

he woke up a little later after falling asleep and i laid down to talk to him. i told him that he could tell me the truth, i would not do anything dumb like run off with our DD, etc. he again swore on his daugther, who he said "is the most sacred thing i have". this is true. he loves her so much and is a perfect father.

any advice? he does have friends/family that don't like him and might try to cause trouble, as well as people who know the ex OW. my other SIL is friends with her in a way and with her friends and i don't trust her at all. he constantly leaves his wallet in his truck at work and it would be easy for someone to put in in there. it was right behind a picture of our DD, i would think he would hide it better.

please help me. i am sick to my stomach and don't know what to do.

WEll, please take a step back and really really look at this. Remove all rationalizations and hopes and fears from this. ANYONE who would look at this evidence objectively, and considering your WH has a history (And an OC To boot), would come to the conclusion you fear. I wish that I could give you hope here, but this situation is screaming with a LARGE RED FLAG. I don't portend to know what the next step is for you, BUT clearly there is a BIG Problemm. It is possible one of the other posters with more wisdom than I could find a way for you to rationalize that this was all a mistake, and the note really was meant for a friend of your wayward husband and he was just "holding" IT for him. MAybe this was all a misunderstanding.??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

MY Own personal opinion (disclaimer) is that men who cheat on their wifes (repeatedly--->like yours), father a child that they never see or take an active role in fathering, ARE RARELY THE perfect "fathers" spouses make them out to be. WAyyyy to many character issues. I think you have a big pile of $hit here, and hopefully you can get some advice here of how to proceed next in cleaning it up. The posters here will give you great support in helping you to recover this marriage and win your husband back if this is indeed the case. YOU are in the right place for that.

P.S. IT is possible this is all a cruel joke played on your husband by a coworker...if you belive that...I got a bridge I wOuld like to talk to you about buying.

GOOdluck <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by happy_girl:
he does have friends/family that don't like him and might try to cause trouble, as well as people who know the ex OW. my other SIL is friends with her in a way and with her friends and i don't trust her at all. he constantly leaves his wallet in his truck at work and it would be easy for someone to put in in there. it was right behind a picture of our DD, i would think he would hide it better.
<hr /></blockquote>Sorry you are here, hon. Having experienced a husband who has cheated twice, I'd say he's lying through his teeth. I work with drivers and I am here to tell you it would NOT be easy to go in their truck and tuck something away in his wallet. First of all, I don't even know which drivers do this and I could care less. Secondly, the above is your way of protecting your own heart and it is understandable. But it will get you nowhere in finding out the truth.

My best advice would be to sit down and think. Has he shown other signs of being unfaithful -- working "late," leaving on the weekends for hours or "trips with friends".... Has he become distant of late?

My gut tells me the note is on the level and he put it in his wallet because he never thought you would be going through his wallet!

It seems like your gut is telling you the same thing. Don't ignore it. I have found that the gut meter is usually dead on.

So, what to do? There are a couple of approaches. You can talk to him again and tell him that you just don't buy his story because of his past unfaithfulness unless HE CAN PROVE to you that somebody else planted the "evidence." You can do this in a loving way and tell him that though you love him you really can't live with the idea of him lying to you.

OK, problem with this approach is no matter how skillfully you present your feelings, he is likely to keep denying the evidence and try to make you feel crazy.

So, the second thought is to sweetly say, gee, I wonder who would have done that to you (like you buy the story). Then put yourself on high alert for anything suspicious and do some detective work. Does he have a cell phone? Check out the past bills and see if a certain number pops up. Does he go places without you? Ask to join him and gauge his reaction.

Hang in there. Others will pop up with advice. And look at my sig... you can survive two affairs, even though after the first you might have said, "Never Again."

~ Snow

If he was willing to swear on your daughter...I'd suggest that he take a lie detector test. With his history...if he has nothing to hide he should willingly agree to take one.

Trust your gut...not a word from his mouth. Also, Snowbelle's suggestions were great...no need to repeat.

Decide what you are still willing to live with and what you will need to feel safe.

I also have an H that has had 3 A's (that I know of) in our 28 yr marriage.

I just don't know what to do. I am so sick and confused right now. There are things that don't make sense for me either way.

-it being in his wallet. It was behind a picture of our daughter. He knows I periodically change that picture. I had bought the new wallet a week ago and he knew about it. He never changes over his wallets, I always do. He wouldn't be so dumb to leave it there when he can leave it in the truck and I would never go in there.

-he never hides anything from me, never gets upset if i search his things. he has told me before that he has nothing to hide, I can look through his things whenever I want to. Same with the phone bill. He usually has a temper. Yet, he never gets mad if I have looked through his things, etc.

-His truck is constantly left in his truck. He works in construction and is the foreman so is always mapping out plans, etc. It is completely possible that someone could put it in there. He has definite enemies that do way worse than this, some of his cousins and friends.

I just don't know what to do. There is no way for him to prove this for me either way. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. No one is going to fess up to this. He has a temper and no one would mess with it and get caught.

As I see it I have 2 choices.

1. Believe him and go on with life, try to forget that it happened.

2. Leave him. Or pretend things are fine and plan on leaving him in time.

If I do 1., and it later turns out that he was cheating, I will be more upset. I will have been completely stupid.

If I do 2., and he is innocent, I have lost my husband of almost 9 years that treats me good, supported me through nursing school emotionally and never gave up on me, IS a wonderful father to DD. I become a single mom with no where to go and my DD ends up like me, with one parent.

This sucks no matter how you look at it. I can't talk to anyone IRL about it because I just don't want to deal with it. I guess I will just stick my head in the sand and do number 1. If it turns out to be true, well then I do number 2.

I just don't see why he would lie. He knows that I don't want to be with him if he doesn't love me. He also knows that I could make it without him and he could see his daughter, etc. I just don't know.

I also do not believe he would swear on his daughter. He also swore on his mom and for a Hispanic, that is a big thing. I have never seen him swear on anything that wasn't true or use it himself. He never voluntarily says "I swear on XXX".

This sucks. I wish I never bought him a new wallet.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by happy_girl:
 I just don't want to deal with it. I guess I will just stick my head in the sand and do number 1. If it turns out to be true, well then I do number 2.

I just don't see why he would lie. He knows that I don't want to be with him if he doesn't love me. He also knows that I could make it without him and he could see his daughter, etc. I just don't know.

I also do not believe he would swear on his daughter. He also swore on his mom and for a Hispanic, that is a big thing. I have never seen him swear on anything that wasn't true or use it himself. He never voluntarily says "I swear on XXX".

This sucks. I wish I never bought him a new wallet. <hr /></blockquote>WEll, this is one way to handle it. You should probably prepare for the worst with this method however. I think you are in a very serious denial (that is ok, who wouldn't be? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ). I feel for you because to any objective viewer this is all VERY VERY Suspicious...at the very best. If you want to stay in denial and not confrom him, that is ok, you just have to be ready to accept the inevitable consequences down the road. YOUr situation is NOT unique around here, sadly <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> WE can smell a WS situation from a mile away, and sadly your WS is making alarm meters everywhere go off. I would take snowbelle's advice on confronting him. DEnying this situation is not the way to go here. Goodluck in what you decide.

Sorry you are going through this. I don't buy his story for a minute. Assume he is having an A, but drop the quetioning. Then watch him real closely. When they are having an A, they do all kinds of stupid things.

My husband lied so sincerely that EVERYONE believed he wasn't having an A, even our lawyer. They all thought I was crazy. And before the A, he was always an honest man.

There is another choice....and I think it's a good one. Use this as a data point to put up your radar and investigate more. You don't have to decide today if this is enough evidence to end your marriage....but frankly you be foolish if you ignored it either. So take this information, as well as his explanation....and do whatever is necessary to find out the truth. When you have the truth (proof that he is faithful or faithless) THEN you will have a clearer picture of your next step. Step back for a second and regroup.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by happy_girl:
I also do not believe he would swear on his daughter. He also swore on his mom and for a Hispanic, that is a big thing. <hr /></blockquote>I'm going to put a flag out for FaithInMe to come respond to this as she has a latino husband and the same thing is often said about latinos... they would cut off their arm before swearing something untrue on their child, or God forbid, their mom!

But you see, happy, when a man or woman is in an adulterous affair, and they know if they are caught it will be the end of their marriage, they often do things totally out of character. They will swear on their dead parent's grave. They will offer to cut off a finger if ever proved wrong. Men sometimes start their affair when their wives are pregnant, carry them on when an in-law or step child is dying. They will do whatever they have to in order to keep the affair alive, and secret. Including swearing on their mom's life.

I agree with the others. Keep your antennae up and go on with life as usual. And keep a copy of that letter and see whatever you can find out on your own about the supposed letter-writer. Like, did they sign it with a name?

Hang in there.

~ Snow

[ December 04, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]

Here's a point,

speaking from experience, my H is hispanic/latino...whichever you prefer.

The whole swearing on his mom thing....well that would depend on what he's swearing on.

To HIM...it's HIS truth that he's standing behind.

And his perception of what is "wrong" and what isn't "wrong" might surprise you.

So in short, what I'm saying is he's swearing on a truth, but what TRUTH is that ?

It's a catch 22. I think the fact that he played the...if I had something to hide, I wouldn't have left in the open like that, you are to assume he's "smarter" than that. When a WS is in the FOG...they come up with pretty ingenius ways to deny everything BUT the truth.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
The whole swearing on his mom thing....well that would depend on what he's swearing on.
To HIM...it's HIS truth that he's standing behind. And his perception of what is "wrong" and what isn't "wrong" might surprise you.<hr /></blockquote>Excellent point, BIJ.

BTW... are the terms Latino and Hispanic interchangeable? Just wondering... always thoughts Latinos were those from central and south america and hispanics from further north (like Mexico). Now that I think of it, that sounds really stupid. Never mind! Carry on!

You don't like the lie detector test then?

He may have a secret A phone...many have pulled that one...mine included. He had it hidden behind his truck's seat inside a compartment where the jack was stored. Another time he kept it buried in bucket with his tools.

With his prior A was he a really good liar?

It sounds like he is behaving normally. The last time mine was in an A I had missed the important clues of distance, getting annoyed or angry at me for nothing and generally more diagreeable. Is yours doing anything that isn't part of his normal behavior?

Always check that cell phone bill to look for calls and calling patterns.

Snow,

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> are the terms Latino and Hispanic interchangeable <hr /></blockquote>it's the era of diversity Snow..... I'll check with hubby, but from what I know, Hispanic, is a defination of RACE, while Latino, is a cultural attachment.

Census bureaus, driver's license apps, employment apps....use Hispanic.

My H is from central america, and identifies himself as latino. People from Mexican decent usually prefer chicano, or chicana, puerto ricans prefer boriqua.... it's a WHOLE nother culture.

Me...I'm plain old Causasian. But consider myself American..... see where I'm going ? Caucasion, race, American, cultural identity ?

Although if anyone asks him where he is from, which is common in the spanish community...he says New Jersey.

He's just him....gotta love him.

happy_girl,

I am so sorry you find yourself here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I would STRONGLY caution you to step back and look at the situation as an outsider. What if your best friend or sister came to you with exactly your situation? What would you tell her?

From MY OWN experience, I can tell you that I also have a hispanic husband (Guatemalan) who comes from a very solid, grounded and religious family.

One day, (and this happened AFTER he already knew I knew about the affair) I found a note from OW in his wallet. It said that she couldn't wait to be his wife and was SO in love with him...blah blah blah.

Well, I confronted him about it and he VERY calmly told me that:

he had totally forgotten about the letter and hadn't even read it that closely...

it obviously didn't mean much to him as he forgot about it and left it in his wallet which he KNEW I would look through...

had NO IDEA what she was talking about with getting married because he had NO INTENTION of marrying for years, if ever...

he swore on his daughters, his newborn son, his mom and the memory of his deceased father <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> that he didn't know what she was talking about, wasn't planning on getting married and that the relationship wasn't as serious as I was making it out to be.

He repeatedly swore on his children and parents that things weren't what they were.

I'm sure you can guess that everything was a lie. When a WS is in danger of being caught at something they so desperately try to hide, they will say and do anything.

They become someone you could not have imagined them being. They do things that make your head spin. DO NOT draw a conclusion that he couldn't be lying because he told the truth when confronted about a practical joke...or has told the truth in the past when asked to swear on it. There has probably been nothing in his life with so much at stake.

I only tell you this to encourage you to look at everything...the good and the bad. Don't go on past experience. You have to go with what you see, feel and know right now. Today. What he has done before, if he is having an affair, has nothing to do with what he can do under an addiction of an affair.

Take the advice here and look further into this. I did and will never regret having done so.

Good luck to you!

hg,

See chere, here's the situation. You are not feeling certain that he is still involved with the OW so divorce seems premature. Plus...you WANT so much to believe him. If you DO believe him in the face of this evidence...you feel like a fool. SOOOO, just step back, keep your eyes open and act when you don't feel so uncertain. The truth has a way of rising to the top for those who are vigilant. Remain vigilant...don't relax, but don't act impulsively either. Let patience, intelligence, and diligence help you find the truth....THEN act...rather than REACT.

hugs!

Hi, happy_girl.

I am sorry that you have to be here.

I want to pass on a couple of thoughts about what you have posted.

First off. If someone had been in my wallet without permission (not talking about you, that's okay), my first reaction would be anything other than calm. I would be very angry. In my opinion, his first reaction was from a very poor liar.

I have the seen results of some very rough practical jokes. If 'the guys' or someone that hated him had tried to cause him problems, you would have more likely found a condom, or a rather explicit note.

Lastly, the placement of the note speaks volumes. Your husband speaks fondly of his daughter to the other woman. She thinks that it is romantic (high school level romance no doubt) to put a note behind the picture of his daughter. After all, he is the loving, doting father that will surely take out the picture and lovingly gaze at it. How romantic for him to find a note from the other woman and be reminded fondly of her when he does..... retch, vomit.

I think a good snooping is in order.

All the best,
Gimble

I also found a letter from the OW to my husband. I found his in his gym bag, rather than his wallet. He did not deny that it was a love letter meant for him, but he said that she had written it with no encouragement from him and that she was obviously deluded and likely mentally ill.

He, too, swore on our children's lives and mine that he did not have any kind of intimate relationship with her.

That was in the early stages of their affair, and my failure to confront it early and strongly allowed it to continue for six years. My husband is thoroughly ashamed of swearing on our lives now. But at the time he said that nothing was as important to him as continuing that affair and he would have said whatever he needed to to anyone to keep that affair going.

HG - so sorry you are here, so sorry for what I am about to say...

A loving, truthful H would have immediately raged at the jerks who would pull such a 'prank' and hurt his wonderful wife. Like Gimble said, his calm reaction is that of a liar.

hey all. sorry i haven't responded. worked this weekend and haven't had a chance.

i know how suspicious this sounds and i also know that i probably will seem hugely in denial, but i believe my husband.

with the first affair, he was very guilty. he tried to tell me many times, but would chicken out. he told me numerous times we needed to talk, and then he would say, oh we can talk about it later. he wasn't himself. he told me about it. i would have really had no idea. we had problems at the time and i assumed that the distance, etc, was because of that.

i also know his family/friends. it hadn't dawned on me until the next day that my BIL went through this a couple of months ago. not with a letter, but his cousins started a rumor about his wife that they had caught her with another guy at his house. it eventually got to him through other cousins, etc and they almost didn't make it through it. she swears to me has never been with him and doesn't even know where this guy supposedly lives. i believed her. they were the victims of a cruel lie, started to hurt him.

(DH and BIL have a construction company, are doing really well and all their cousins are jealous. it has been an ongoing problem for years. as well as that all of them are friends with exOW who is fully capable. i always say our family is a soap opera and news travels faster than the speed of light. i hate it and that is why we plan on moving someday.)

my husband has never been a good liar. had we not been so disconnected during his affair i would have known. he never had to lie because i didn't ask. i never even imagined he would do that even though we weren't having sex, fought all the time, etc. i was pretty naive. he was truly distraught when he confessed. he has cried 4 times in our 10 years together, when he talked to his mom once and she was really missing him, when he told me about the affair, when he saw his mom for first time in 7 years and when our daughter was born. he won't admit he cried, but he did. he more than proved to me he was sorry for what had happened and i am sure he couldn't keep up a lie like this now.

thanks for the help and suggestions. i am not going to be completely blind, but i will not be watching his every move either. he never acts like a suspicious person. he doesn't mind when i go through his things, question him about the phone bill, etc. i know that even i get defensive when i am questioned to much and i have nothing to hide.

i also feel like there is no way to prove anything and i am not going to let this ruin us. if it turns out later that it is true, then i will deal with it then.

he made a comment when i was getting ready for work yesterday night. he was watching me and DD as we played before i leave. i saw him watching but didn't say anything. he just was watching us and then i looked up and said "what?" he says "and you think i am going to leave you or would jeopardize this. look at what we have, our perfect daughter."

anyway, thanks. let's hope i am right.

I used to say my husband was a lousy liar, too. If he tried to look me in the eye, I could tell if he was lying.

I thought.

Turns out he had been unfaithful to me over a period of years.

I hope you're right, but I doubt it. I think you do, too.
PM

Hey Happy_girl,

Well, I know what you have been through the last couple years, and you have been there for us during our toughest times. I want you to know that I am with you on your trusting your H. But, I would keep my "radar" up, as, unfortunately, you can NEVER be positive. I don't remember who said it, but maybe take what you do have, and investigate yourself. I would say that you do know your H the best, having been M'd over 9 yrs, and it's been years since the situation with the OC has been "resolved". Keep working on your M, and see what happens. I honestly wish that I could offer you more, but my gut instinct tells me that you have nothing to worry about.

Love,

Tigger

HG,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through something like this....it's especially worse after already having survived the OW/OC thing. With this being said, I can't help but caution you to "keep your guard up". Normally our intuition and gut feelings steer us in the right direction. Given the facts to all sides that you presented in this thread, A few things stick out in my mind....

1. Should your H be actually involved in said affair with this woman, after having survived D-Day with you and OC etc. etc. I think he would say/do/what-have-you to avoid another show-down that D-day and all it's repurcussions that comes with it.

2. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if his original A that created the OC was his first A, then I'm sure he picked up a few new tricks to be more "normal" (It's always easiest the second time around once you're "seasoned") to avoid causing problems with you and to create his newest "bubble" of escape in the affair.

With that being said...those stood out the most to me when I read your thread.

NOW...in light of all that, you said he had some problems with people in the family etc. That could very well be a possibility..."Wild Bill" my first ex-husband's family would be capable of doing such things and have done things to try to harm me and ex#1. I don't discount it.

But I tend to agree with the others, it could very well be fishy and we all know about that proverbial FOG too. I agree with I think, Starfish? That said to keep your guard and radar up and get facts before making any major decisions. I also advise getting your ducks lined up so you are self-sufficient should this be the case that he is indeed cheating.

BUT....if your gut says he's not...then he's not...I suppose time will tell. Please take care of yourself and your daughter and continue to try to keep the channels of communication open with your husband.

As you probably read on my thread, I am getting divorced from Mr. "T". and I'll be raising my five kids alone and with less child support because Ex-ow gets the lion's share for filing first...at this point I don't care. I am going to be all right and I'm going to survive and you are too, regardless of how this ends up.

You can get my e-mail off of the private board if you wish to talk, vent or just whatever. You have the support of many who love you here. I'm behind you 100% in whatever you decide/find out/happens.

We love you gal! Hang in there!
Many hugs,
Twiisty

It really doesn't make sense that someone would put that letter into his wallet and then expect you to find it before he did? Did anyone know that you bought him a new wallet and were going to change it out yourself? If so, then that could be the culpret.

It just makes no sense. Why wouldn't they send you an anonomous letter telling you about an A if they were trying to mess with him? How would a love letter put in his own wallet mess with him unless they knew you'd find it before he did?

Sorry, this just makes no sense. I don't buy his it at all. I hope I am wrong and your gut (or is it denial?) is right.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by happy_girl:

i know how suspicious this sounds and i also know that i probably will seem hugely in denial, but i believe my husband.

thanks for the help and suggestions. i am not going to be completely blind, but i will not be watching his every move either. he never acts like a suspicious person. he doesn't mind when i go through his things, question him about the phone bill, etc. i know that even i get defensive when i am questioned to much and i have nothing to hide.

he made a comment when i was getting ready for work yesterday night. he was watching me and DD as we played before i leave. i saw him watching but didn't say anything. he just was watching us and then i looked up and said "what?" he says "and you think i am going to leave you or would jeopardize this. look at what we have, our perfect daughter."

anyway, thanks. let's hope i am right. <hr /></blockquote>from someone who has been in denial when confronting the WS....please trust your gut.

something is going on. something is not right. If he is not upset when you go looking, it is probably because he has just hidden the evidence in a different place.

When he said, "look at what we have, a beautiful daughter", did he mention "Look at what I have, a beautiful wife"?

I remember the crazies when I would confront my H because my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong. I out in out asked if he was involved with the OW. He lied to my face REPEATEDLY. Even after I said, "there's no way you could ever hurt me like that, right?".

He felt some guilt, but he was still able to lie, because he knew if I found out, I would leave him.

He has to demonstrate how trustworthy he is, not with words, but by actions.

albw

thanks everyone. i will definitely be keeping my radar up. i looked through his cell phone last night to see if he had called anyone in the morning on the saturday. he had called his voicemail and then his boss. *i had checked that night and the only VM was from his boss to call him*. i checked his text messages and there were 2 he tried to send to me within the past month but had the wrong number typed in by a digit. both said i love you. no others in the outbox except from work.

i just don't have that gut feeling that he is. here are some of my reasons for the reasons suggested that mean he is.

no one has our address. we live away from them because of all the drama that goes on over where they all live. that is why they wouldn't send anything via mail. we also do not give out our home phone number to anyone, even his brothers do not have it. this was my request. they can all reach him on his cell phone. reason being, his one brother gets drunk and will tell anything to anyone and his cousins wives had been calling me and hanging up after giggling a few years ago. his extended family is really a bunch of losers and i totally believe them capable.

i have never seen him take the picture of our DD out of his wallet. it is actually stuck to the plastic from getting so hot. i have talked to several guy friends who say they don't look for stuff in their wallet unless they put it there. the only thing was that picture and the letter. it was a small piece of paper, one page. nothing to notice except i was taking everything out. and most of my girlfriends have said that they look through their hubbies wallets when they find them, and none of them have been through affairs.

he has told me that why would he risk losing his wife and child? he usually calls us his "2 loves".

i know how this sounds to the outside world, but being in this world for the past few days, i have felt more and more calm about it. i even did as someone suggested and looked for another phone in his truck when he went to get us some dinner in our car and nothing. i didn't expect to find anything, because he always wants me to go with him every week when he cleans it out and washes it, and i do every so often.

i will keep my eyes and ears open though and snoop more for awhile just to be safe, but for now i am trusting my gut and my husband.

I think you need to do what ever you need to do. Trust your gut (even if it is your heart who is calling the shots) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I think you are spending too much time trying to convince the posters here (and maybe yourself) that he is not cheating and this was all a misunderstanding. History (yours) and the world of infidelity dictate some thing else. If you ask me, I would bet a years worth of pay checks that he is being unfaithful here...NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...but that doesn't matter...I am not the one who has to deal with the fall out from this...YOU DO. YOU should just do whatever you feel you need to do to get through this. Many Many people would rather NOT Know the truth, so they find ways to overlook glaring RED FLAGS. It is ok, we have all been there one way or the other. LIke you said in an earlier post, you will have to deal with this down the line (if he is indeed cheating), so just deal with this then. FOr the record, this is not what I would do. But this is after all a support forum, so while I cannot in good conscious tell you "it is ok, your husband is probably NOT cheating", I would just wish you strength for getting through all of this...ONE WAY or the other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HG,
I hope you're right, I actually tend to agree with LM on this one.

Your FIRST reaction was something wasn't right, over the last several days, you and your H have spent an unusual amount of time "discounting" this event. There is no reason in the world to "discount" an event that has no reasonable existence.

The fact that you snoop occassionally, means that you know for a FACT he WOULD absolutely abuse his marital vows, or else you would never snoop, you'd never check cell phones, voice mails, etc, and would not have questioned the letter. You would have either thrown it out, or put it back if you were TRULY certain it was nothing.

Hope all turns out well for you.

thanks guys for your advice. actually, DH and i haven't talked about this much at all since that first night. i have been thinking about it, but not talking to him about it. DH hasn't tried to convice me of anything. he is being just like he always is.

i wasn't snooping when i first found it. i do believe though that you should never completely trust a spouse. it is then that you get into trouble. i remember dr. harley saying the same thing i think.

i don't usually snoop. he has no problem with me if i do, but i rarely do. i have done some since finding the letter, but that is pretty normal i think. if it hadn't been for changing over his wallet to the new one, i would have never even suspected or been snooping.

my plan is to just go on with life as usual and watch. my friend offered to follow him on saturday nights if he goes anywhere since i work and that is the only time he really has for an affair. don't think i will take her up on it though.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by happy_girl:
 my friend offered to follow him on saturday nights if he goes anywhere since i work and that is the only time he really has for an affair. don't think i will take her up on it though. <hr /></blockquote>Why the heck not????

I'm confused.

You post, asking if your H is having another A. Many posters concur that this is most likely and that you should monitor and gather more evidence.

Then in response, you've basically defended your H and have justified what you found into something that is not to be woried about.

I don't mean to come across as insensitive. I know that this is probably a knee jerk reaction and you want to protect yourself from the hurt (denial). I can understand that. But you have a chance to validate your initial feeling- or to re-assure your second reaction.

I guess I'm trying to say is dont siit there and let life happen to you- do something to find out and protect yourself and your D and your M.

albw

happygirl, From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. Please read this post objectively.

Like many others, my experinece and your story are very similar (the lies and deception). My wife who I would have trusted with my life chnaged once she was in the A. She would lie to me about everything. Even when I provided irrefutable proof to her.

My wifes grandad recently passed away (and they were very close), she swore on his grave that she had no contact with OP for some weeks (not true). Sadly I was in possession of phone records at the time and other stuff that contradicted it. My point is, she swore on her grandads grave over a relatively minor thing, so what does that say about what they will do to cover their traks.

One sure fire way to put the doubt out of your mind is to ask him to take a lie detector test. If he is not guilty, then there is no problem ( I know I would do it). If he resists / refuses, then that is another nail in his very shaky story. You have not made this up and have hard evidence (the letter). Given his past mistake(s), I would think that he would be only too happy to take a lie detector test and dispell this as a cruel joke if that is what it is.

Take care, trust your gut, it is very very rarely wrong..

Happygirl,

I am so sorry to read your post - I know you were doing well, particularly with the new baby - and so sorry that my answer has to be this:

Somebody much wiser than me once told me "If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, and has feathers, it probably IS a duck."

There is also the philosophical viewpoint, "The simplest answer is, more often than not, the truth."

You do what is best for you. My opinion should be of no consequence. But I wish you the best of luck, and you'll be in my thoughts.

-Cdcollins