I will survive... - Marriage Builders® Forums

First a little update!

I have been in Plan B for 12 days now! Doing marvelous..except for the few times he has caught me on MSN IM...I have now blocked him.

I have no desire whatsoever to talk to him.

Apparently someone was trying to take pictures of his car parked in front of the OW"s house two nights ago.

He thinks *I* hired a PI! ROTFLMAO! That's funny! More on that later! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But he still wants to SAVE the marriage! He still wants his life back...

BUT...he doesn't want to burn his bridges with HER just in case it doesn't work out!

hmmm...What do you think the chances of SAVING the marriage are with an OW in the picture? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

well, I am not going to make this long...I just want to let any "newbies" and Oldies know that YOU will survive! with or without your spouse!

Someday you will get to the point where you will realize that you cannot change your spouse, they have to change themselves...

All these people here are correct...they KNOW what they are talking about...

You see, I was one of the MOST stubborn people here...I didnt' want to take any advice that I didnt' want to hear...

Go into Plan B...Oh NOOO, I dont need to go into Plan B...he SAYS he has ended it...I believe him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> WRONG! Dont believe them!

They are in OUTER SPACE! They just dont get it! Will they ever? Who knows...only they know!

Ok..I wanted to post a song here that I have taken as my own motto now...Enjoy!

I will survive

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive (hey hey)

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little girl
who fell in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive (oh)

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive...!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ January 14, 2005, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Momto3Boys ]

Heyyyy....good to hear that you have finally got IT too!!!

Yes...you tried the hardest here. Glad to hear that you have finaly decided to plan ME.

Take care

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad to see your heart and mind r in sync. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Welcome back to earth, mom..... we missed you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Thanks! I missed planet earth! It's good to BE BACK!

Plan B started Jan 2...Momto3Boys will NOT live a life like she did last year!

I AM happy!

I AM at peace...at PEACE! I am at Peace! I am moving on 4 ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Life CAN be good! you just have to WANT it to be!

Orchid, gosh, It's been almost a year since we went to dinner! What a year it has been! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

that was fun...I just wish I had been on EARTH when we met <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I really am a lot of fun to be around! And my eyes aren't all red and puffy like they were that night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bravo!

Cherished

[ January 15, 2005, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]

Oh now I MUST listen to that song!!!!!!

-Caren

Yes, It does get awfully boring...I missed the whole last year of their lives... and I swear I will NOT miss this year!

I just signed DS4 up for Soccer and I will make sure he makes every single game and practice...I am putting last year behind me and moving forward! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Caren, I have been listening to it all day long...go to Kaaza or Ares and download it for free! gloria Gaynor! I LOVE IT!

Also Believe by Cher is a good one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good for you! It keeps getting easier and more peaceful in Plan B. You will trully be able to see his actions for what they really are--NO reflection on YOU.

Hang in there--that is a great theme song. Here's to a terrific 2005!

Yeah for Mom!!! Keep up the Plan B and take care of yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mom,

Glad to hear you are doing well, I have thought of you often and hoped thing were okay for you. You are a strong and beautiful woman and you will persevere. Dad will realize that some day but you deserve better than he has to give you right now.

I wish you happiness and peace of mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cathy

Hi Mom --

It's good to hear you're doing well. I know it's hard, but this will show him that your serious and won't allow his fence-sitting anymore. Did you two decide not to go on the Dr. Phil anymore? Do you feel it helped or hurt?

Take care dear, you've had a LOT to deal with these last few months. Time for you get strong, have some peace, you know.

Take care,
Shellybird

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by shellybird:
 Did you two decide not to go on the Dr. Phil anymore? Do you feel it helped or hurt?

<hr /></blockquote>Funny how you should as about this...They are coming today to do the pre show tapings! It will only be me this time...I dont know if I will be on by myself or with another couple..I told them that I would like another couple on there so I can show them, no matter WHAT, the BS WILL be ok...eventually you have to get to a point that you just have to take care of yourself!

AS far as helping or huring? I think it helped ME tremendously...watching that last show, I really saw what Ed is made of...it opened my eyes so much..That show aired on Nov 18, I left right after the show aired and came back home on the 21st, I kicked him out that night and my dad died 5 hours later.

I think it hurt Ed...he doesn't like to talk about it...oh well! poor Ed! But you know, for him to go on national TV and then go back to her...what an idiot!

I am looking forward to going back this week...I am taking my boys and we are going to Universal Studios...My mom will be coming too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And where will Ed be...Oh, he'll be with his OW and soon to be baby girl...poor Ed...what a shame he has to miss a family trip! tsk tsk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Also Believe by Cher is a good one! <hr /></blockquote>Love that song!!!
Do your boys have PS2 or XBox? There is this really fun thing called DDR have you heard of it?

My mom got it for us for Christmas and it is sooo much fun, the whole family has a blast and then you get your exercise in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do let us know the date your show on Dr. Phil will be airing! I'm glad you're going back.
Cherished

MT3B,

Peace. Wonderful peace. I am so glad you have found it. Feels good, doesn't it?

I am very happy for you.

~ Snow

PS Cher ain't got nothin' on Gloria Gaynor!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Momto3Boys:
 Thanks! I missed planet earth! It's good to BE BACK!

Plan B started Jan 2...Momto3Boys will NOT live a life like she did last year!

I AM happy!

I AM at peace...at PEACE! I am at Peace! I am moving on 4 ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Life CAN be good! you just have to WANT it to be!

Orchid, gosh, It's been almost a year since we went to dinner! What a year it has been! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

that was fun...I just wish I had been on EARTH when we met <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I really am a lot of fun to be around! And my eyes aren't all red and puffy like they were that night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>I love this post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes it has been a year..... wow....so much has happened. Now if you want to go to dinner, you will have to fly to Hawaii.... that might not be a bad idea, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Found a great beach to take the kids and let them run free. It is quite safe. Ko'olina has 3 man made cove type beaches with shallow swimming areas. Really nice. The hotels there have to share it with the public but they are picky who they let in.

Glad you are now in a better state of mind and heart. It is hard to watch our loved ones make such bad choices. We need t/b careful we don't either.

take care,
L.

[ January 17, 2005, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

M23B, glad to hear you are doing well. How is the personal training going that Dr. Phil set you up with? You are still doing it right?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> You see, I was one of the MOST stubborn people here...I didnt' want to take any advice that I didnt' want to hear... <hr /></blockquote>Mom, I think I was definitely in the running for the "most stubborn" award myself!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm glad you're doing better. You've had a really rough year or so. But you're right, you will be okay.

I thought I'd die if I lost my husband. But here I am, 2 months past my divorce, and I'm still breathing. Sure, I have some down days. I just passed what would have been my 20th wedding anniversary on the 12th. I had forgotten about it until my mother was so kind as to remind me. That brought some pain--we'd planned a few years ago to spend out 20th in Hawaii. It would have been our first trip there. Oh well....

But I am also enjoying the peace right now. No fighting with him. No daily reminder of him being with the OW and coming home to me and lying. Sure, I wish I could have saved my M. But I was SOOOO stubborn I never did do a Plan B. (Not that I think it would have helped much in my case).

So I'm single. But I'm alive. And I don't feel half bad most of the time. It does get better!!

And you are a strong woman. You'll be fine. Look at 2005 as your new start in life, no matter how things turn out.

LL

M23B,

I love your new theme song!! I haven't been able to get it out of my head since I read the words you shared!!

You rock!!! You're an amazing role model to your boys - glad you're taking your mother with you to CA!!

Thank you everyone who posted! Someone asked about Xbox, we have GameCube...We also have 2 Play Stations, neither of them work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Orchid, I would LOVE to come to Hawaii...but funds are a bit tight at the moment! Maybe in the future! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Pep, when you say 5 miles from the Studio, do you mean Universal Studios, or The Dr. Phil Studio? Any chance on us getting together while we are there? I can probably get you tickets to the show!

Wednesday I am getting a makeover...not sure what sort of makeover, but I am going to some big Hollywood salon! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thursday is the show, 1:00 taping!

Friday, we will be in Universal...Let me know and I can get you my cell number!

[ January 17, 2005, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

you've got mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mom, I'm glad that you posted. I have been thinking about you and was planning on checking in with you through your personal e-mail.

I am so happy for you that you feel at peace. You certainly showed your love for Ed by your capacity to still want the M in spite of everything wrong he was doing. I bought a CD with "I will Survive" shortly after d-day. This was before I knew if H could really break it off with OW. That song really says it all, doesn't it?

I look forward to seeing you on Dr. Phil. Please let us know the date. How are your boys doing? Do you think the Dr. Phil taping was negative or positive for them? Just curious. Anyway, here's giving you a big hug and a wish that 2005 brings you peace and happiness. CV

wow what a party!! Dr phil is some great guy. I guess he will be there for you when the publicity follows your kids again and hurts the family business which pays all the bills? smart move. Dr phil and company will be cashing thier checks will you?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
 wow what a party!! Dr phil is some great guy. I guess he will be there for you when the publicity follows your kids again and hurts the family business which pays all the bills? smart move. Dr phil and company will be cashing thier checks will you? <hr /></blockquote>Hi Ed.... how are you doing?

Pep

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
 wow what a party!! Dr phil is some great guy. I guess he will be there for you when the publicity follows your kids again and hurts the family business which pays all the bills? smart move. Dr phil and company will be cashing thier checks will you? <hr /></blockquote>Well DD,

Welcome to MB. Have we met before? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dr Phil sure seems t/b a great guy. As for teh publicity following the family....that's already happened. Hear the ratings on his show are really good.

As for her H's actions hurting the family business (which pays all the bills), isn't that her H's responsbility? Did you know that he is out there making more babies? At least he's thinks he has 1 cooking on another stove in another house.... not sure how many more kitchens he has in the area or elsewhere. Hear that other kitchen likes to steal from other cooks, ya know? Must be a real crummy cook in their but some people just like all that instant family kind of cooking.

As a result, it sure seems like his work w/b wondering about his work ethics. Now that could hurt the family business. When the word goes around that the one primary caregiver for the business who is also the H/father of a family is suppose t/b the trusted for his high moral value/good work ethics seems to NOT have the same values in all areas he once had....... well that could hurt worse than any TV show. Doncha think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So if we haven't met before...... what brings you to MB?

take care,
L.

Ed?

What's eating you DD?

GC

<blockquote>quote:<hr />What's eating you DD? <hr /></blockquote>They must have run out of cake at the bakery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> from pepperband:
Hi Ed.... how are you doing? <hr /></blockquote><img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

From that response.......Looks like just about the same ol...........selfish and Clueless.

And to imagine I got grief for calling this guy on his "intentions" before his going on Dr. Phil.
Sheeesh.

To you MOM to 3,
Great for you that you've FINALLY chosen to NOT be stuck in all the "games" and Drama.

This does show a Huge Leap in your attitude (confidence/ whatever you want to call it).
It also shows your now Ready to have a Plan to help yourself. Good move! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Also Nice to see that your still willing to accept any help Dr. Phil is there to give.
With that said, hope he is giving You more then just a forum to grieve on. (I've seen him offer many "home" serivces to other guests).
Hope that holds true for you as well.

However, even though its taken a while.... you Do seem to have finally " got it "!
No better update then That! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

[ January 17, 2005, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]

it's called collateral damage and it serves no usefull purpose. It is myopic to think it is ok. Who pays besides dt3? the kids. oh sure he did this and that and what right does he have, bla bla bla.... It will not help anything only make it worse. Want a D get it quietly, go on and get over yourselves. Circus time again.

You know what I think about, I think how all this is going to affect those 3 boys.

They are "boys" now but one day all too soon they will be young adults. Can you imagine how all of this infidelity will affect them. How they will view marriage and relationships.

I know I remember "EVERYTHING" about my mom and dad's divorce. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G and it still haunts me.

Mom, I know you will do what is necessary to seek out help to repair what damaged has been done them. God bless.

Jo

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
it's called collateral damage and it serves no usefull purpose. It is myopic to think it is ok. Who pays besides dt3? the kids. oh sure he did this and that and what right does he have, bla bla bla.... It will not help anything only make it worse. Want a D get it quietly, go on and get over yourselves. Circus time again.<hr /></blockquote>Ed,

This "CIRCUS" was started and continues by the act of adultery. Blaming the exposure of it, regardless of the degree, only illustrates how one can continue to live in denial of their actions and it's consequences.

Jo

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
it's called collateral damage and it serves no usefull purpose. <hr /></blockquote>What if this helps your wife to cope?

I think that is a useful purpose.

Pep

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
 it's called collateral damage and it serves no usefull purpose. It is myopic to think it is ok. Who pays besides dt3? the kids. oh sure he did this and that and what right does he have, bla bla bla.... It will not help anything only make it worse. Want a D get it quietly, go on and get over yourselves. Circus time again. <hr /></blockquote>What on your part will make matters better?

Remember you can't control your W just as she can't control you (WS fav line w/an orchid twist). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you choose to ignore this question, it w/b telling. If you choose to answer this question..... well it also will be telling and hopefully it c/b a more positive one.

take care, dd. BTW you poster name is cute and very telling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

D23B needs to reread the letter he received from his wife so he can better understand what he needs to do should he desire to attempt to have a chance to save his M. The guidelines are there.

Continued contact with OW is not part of the plan.

We all have and make our own choices in behavior.

I believe everyone here, including M23B, wants the best outcome for all concerned.

[ January 17, 2005, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]

Hi mom -

Glad to see you are getting stronger. Glad to see you are in plan B. Remember that Dad can come here and read your thoughts and plans vicariously here, so he can still get his fix of the drama he gets out of the situation by coming here - I think if you want to come here, a name change might be a good idea.

Hopefully, if Dad is reading, he will remember my story - he will also remember that he said he would do anything to prevent what happened to our family from happening to his. I was skeptical then, and I'm not surprised at what I see today between M23B and D23B.

Just to update -for Dad, if he is reading. This was our first Christmas without my mom - my Dad came to spend a week after Christmas with my sister - his 2nd wife (OW) went to spend that week with her mother. Dad had some precious "family time" with my sister and her family. My mom's room is still the same - all her things are still there because my sister hasn't had time to clean it out. Dad slept in there, in her bed. During the week, he found time to talk to my sister alone - he sat with her on the sofa. He told her that he was sorry for all the pain and agony he had caused her and all of us. He said he knew that he could never, ever make it up to us, but he needed to say that he knew that he had hurt us all terribly and he had to live with that. He said that he took all the responsiblity for waht happened - that the OW was younger, that he was the one who let it get "out of control", that he should never have allowed it to start. He then started to cry. He said that he was missing our mom more than he ever thought he would....he said that he didn't realize he would miss her so much....that was as far as he could get with his emotions during that visit...when I spoke to him, he said the same thing to me...he said he was trying to make his peace with my sister and he hoped he could make his peace with me someday....I said that I hoped so, too...

Part of me felt angry, though - was he saying that he really didn't realize how much she meant to him until after she was gone? Or was that his way of trying to talk about the grief he feels, but can't share with OW....he loved my mother, and he has to grieve for her alone...

Hearing him say these things only convinced me more that had my mother cut all contact with him when she first kicked him out, she might still be married today. Too late now...at age 79, 35 years after their divorce, 35 years of "happiness" with the OW, Dad cries alone for the wife he genuinely loved....

Mom - change your name, don't get sucked into Dad's bitterness, don't get involved with drama, and don't look back....

LIR

[ January 17, 2005, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]

LIR,

Your words are priceless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It means a lot to me even as far removed as I am from this sitch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks,
L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
 it's called collateral damage and it serves no usefull purpose. It is myopic to think it is ok. Who pays besides dt3? the kids. oh sure he did this and that and what right does he have, bla bla bla.... It will not help anything only make it worse. Want a D get it quietly, go on and get over yourselves. Circus time again. <hr /></blockquote>Collateral damage occurs when someone sets off a bomb. If you choose to set off a relational bomb, you don't get the option of controlling the damage.

Choosing to have an affair sucks.

Choosing to continue the affair AND observing the devastation YOU are causing your family, while shedding crocodile tears over "collateral" damage when you are the one making the ongoing bomb blasts, reveals just how self-centered and deceived adulterers can get.

Ditto what Garmus just said. Good points, G.

M23B -- I'm very happy to hear you're in a good place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's SO not about Ed anymore...your life is now about making a happy life for you and your boys. I'm proud of you.

Lori

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Garmus:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by dirtdevil:
 it's called collateral damage and it serves no usefull purpose. It is myopic to think it is ok. Who pays besides dt3? the kids. oh sure he did this and that and what right does he have, bla bla bla.... It will not help anything only make it worse. Want a D get it quietly, go on and get over yourselves. Circus time again. <hr /></blockquote>Collateral damage occurs when someone sets off a bomb. If you choose to set off a relational bomb, you don't get the option of controlling the damage.

Choosing to have an affair sucks.

Choosing to continue the affair AND observing the devastation YOU are causing your family, while shedding crocodile tears over "collateral" damage when you are the one making the ongoing bomb blasts, reveals just how self-centered and deceived adulterers can get. <hr /></blockquote>Garmus,

Excellent post!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

I hope M23 stops reading this post now... nobody gets to do the tapdance around here anymore, it's no longer entertaining.

I am THRILLED to pieces for M23... she's the only adult in this whole situation with enough intelligence and SELF RESPECT to remove herself from the sideshow act.

It's really a shame that people really don't believe they are accountable for their actions.

You rock Mom.