How to get through and maintain NC? - Marriage Builders® Forums

[ January 20, 2005, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

finding, Have you told your H yet? Does OM's W know? the surest way to keep NC is to tell your H and OM's W. THEY will make sure you maintain NC. Discussing it with OM is only drawing the A out longer and giving you reason to continue contact.

Your not gonna like this advice but....Tell your husband, you have betrayed him and there is no going back so tell him.

(That was easy to say) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mr. G

[ January 20, 2005, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

Finding, trust me when I tell you that eventually your H WILL find out and it would be better coming from you. Plus I do believe now that the only true way to have a healthy and intimate M is through honesty. This secret will eat up you inside and destroy the intimacy of your M. Since it was never a PA, hopefully your H will take it well and be willing to work on whatever it is in your M that is lacking. Get the book Not Just Friends and read it. I would also recommend His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Excellent book for you and your H to read together. Blessings to you.

If this ends and I can maintain NC

Well the if part of that statement makes perfect sense....

the biggest key to ending this is by ending it..

ending contact...
and the fact that you are willing to use this forum to be in some type of contact with your MM speaks of real intent of being here.....

if the man you are involved with already posts here...please don't use these boards to continue contact...

it is setting both of you up to fail...
because it is continued contact and voyeurism in to eachother lives...that of which you are trying to end....

ARK

dbl post

[ January 20, 2005, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

I agree 100% with Faithful, the best thing for you to do is tell you're H.

This will help with NC and it will give you back some respect for yourself. Keeping a life secret from you're H will bite you in the end. If you do love you're H, tell him, some honesty would be a good thing now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[ January 20, 2005, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

Best way to permamnent NC is to tell the spouse. Otherwise you and OM will go in and out of NC endlessly. Most WS try in vain to NC on their own---- very hard. You need formidable external pressure to accomplish NC and even then it is quite hard. Just ask any FWW on the board. I believe my wife would be happy to email you.

[ January 20, 2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

finding_myself:

I was in a similar situation. I met my "friend" online, and it progressed into an EA. We had cybersex and then phonesex, and then we met and it turned into a full-blown PA. We were both women, and this was a first for us both.

She suggested going back to being friends, against my wishes. We tried to do that for nearly a year (although the attraction was always there). There were a few reminders and sexual innuendo that wasn't par for a normal friendship. Too many memories, etc.

We didn't intend on telling our husbands. We didn't want to hurt them and it was basically over. HOWEVER, it was eating away at me. I told her that we should tell them, especially if it was 100% over. She disagreed. She felt threatened. If I told my H, then he might tell her H, and she worried about that. So, she beat everyone to it (supposedly!!) and told her H "all". I told my H too.

The point is that if you don't tell your H, you don't really stand a good chance for a healthy marriage. Maybe he won't be too hard on you since you didn't let it progress to a PA. Telling him could only bring you closer.

CC

"No OM, no problem" with M seems to be the thinking of many BSs. But, if you are a WS or FWS, you know that that isn't true. The OM is a symptom, not the disease.

The reason that you latched onto OM is because there is something lacking in your M. The M isn't meeting your ENs, and so you found someone to help you meet your needs.

Once you are having your ENs met and know what it feels like, it is almost impossible to go back to the way it was. Something like, "I didn't know how empty my cup was until it was filled."

If you get rid of OM and don't fix your M, then either (a) you will be miserable or (b) you'll do it again, and next time it will be worse or (c) both.

You need to do some serious work on the M.
You and H have to do retreats, MC, read books, etc. to get the M back on track.

If your BS is like most of the other BSs, they won't work on the M unless they know there is a problem. You will have to convey to your H that the M isn't working for you and that this is a *serious* problem.

When you and H start working on the M and making progress, you will be able to let go of OM.

Good luck!

[ January 20, 2005, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]

[ January 20, 2005, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

I can relate to your situation.

In fact, reading this made my heart skip a beat or two.

My ordeal has been the single most difficult and painful journey I have ever ventured into.

You will find your 'head' agreeing with much with what is written and offered here. But your heart will kick, scream and wail in resistance.

I wish I could offer you some quick simple advice. But we all have to find our own way out.

I understand your reluctance to share with your spouse. I tried that once and with not much success.

Perhaps a female friend that you could trust and confide in would be of benefit to you.

I wish you well. The path out is much more difficult than the one that led you in.

Blessings

Hi FM!

You arenâ€™t going to find anyone here really that would endorse the idea of NOT telling your husband.

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, my situation is very similar to yours. I am going to tell you to tell your husband as well, but maybe from a different viewpoint as other here.

If you try and hide what you did, under the guise of protecting your husband, you will not only hurt him in the long run but you will hurt yourself too. Guilt is very consuming and the longer you hold it in, the more you will be eaten by your it. And take it from me, I tried it hide it and my husband eventually found out. They ALWAYS find out sooner or later.

I also agree to what ARK said; if the MM is also here then you have to leave or he has to leave (if the MM is reading this). Even if you two donâ€™t communicate here you are still maintaining that connection. There is a message board that my OM frequents and I had to stop going to it because it was making NC and withdrawal very hard and it's already a difficult process to go through as it is.

I hate to say it but I donâ€™t think there is a person here who will tell you to keep this to yourself. Itâ€™s not right to you, your hubby and your marriage.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Jimmy, I hear what you are saying, and understand, but I cant think of anything I would change in my husband,..he is attentive and loving, successful and has every wonderful quality in a man. I'm ashamed to say it is ME <hr /></blockquote>From time to time affairs develop in good marriages. If this is the case you must work on your issues and fall in love again with your husband. This will be hard if husband is not courting you like OM does.

He may be a great husband, but I bet he is beyond the new romantic encahntment you and OM have. You probably wanted to feel butterflies 24/7 and this is hard to do with the old husband. OTOH, quite easy with OM because he is NEW. You cannot change that unless you tell. You have to give your H a break on this one. The poor guy is playing the game blindfolded.

[ January 20, 2005, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

FindingMyself, you just overloaded my b*llsh*t meter. You sound like a bad romance novel. Your H isn't perfect and you aren't evil incarnate.

(1) I said the MARRIAGE has to change, I didn't say *HE* had to change. How do you change the M? By *YOU* being honest and open with your H. When you hurt, you have to tell him you hurt.
(2) Sure, your H is happy. You are carrying all the pain on your shoulders. Isn't it time that he helped?
(3) While I'm sure your husband is a fine man, I kind of doubt that he is perfect. BSs fit a personality profile just like WSs...BSs tend to be focused on the day to day. And, if someone doesn't hit 'em over the head with a 2x4, they don't have a clue there is a problem.

[ January 20, 2005, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]

[ January 20, 2005, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

As you can see already, the advice/suggestions you get here will come in assorted flavors. :-)

Believe me, I understand the fear of telling your spouse. And in theory, I would have to agree that for the complete healing of your marriage, that day will come to tell. But I also think there is a right time and a right place to do that. A wise person I knew once who had been betrayed themself, advised making sure you are in a 'safe place' to confess such a thing.

I will tell you from experience that you for the most part, will not be able to find your way out on your own. And you need to find someone to be accountable to. If you don't, you most likely will end up turning back to the OM for support. It can be a viscious cycle.

Instead of asking someone for success stories on how to get out without telling your spouse, work on fixing your own heart. Absorb and study the material on the site here...even moreso than posting on the forums. Find a close friend you can confide in. If you go to church, find a believer or pastor who can help. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

And please...don't worry about harsh responses you may get here. The majority of posters have been really hurt by their betraying spouses...and it, for obvious reasons strikes a painful nerve. Most of them mean well though.

Take care

I dont want to give details because the man I am involved with also reads at this board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

No, the MM does not read here. I told him about this board and another one, he does not have time to post and has never mentioned reading here.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is not a way for me to continue to be in touch with him.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

but then again I only know what I read..

ARK

[ January 20, 2005, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

[ January 20, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

FM -

We all know you are upset, confused, etc... believe me. You are coming to the realization that all affairs aren't as unique as they are made out to be. That is a major blow but it's great that you are seeing that.

I know you are scared in telling your hubby. I bet though that he would rather hear it from you first before finding out later down the road. In the end, he will respect you more for being up front with him.

We can help you through it but it's no walk in the park, that's for sure. This is a long process but in the end you can end up having an even better marriage that before the affair. I am experiencing that first hand and it is an absolutely wonderful feeling.

oh please finding myself...

this is why you feel so much inner pain...
you are in direct conflict...

torn between what you know is right...
and what actions you engage in that you do not like of yourself...

your posting here is a double edged sword...
part of you craves that connection to those that know exactly how you feel....and can work through this without villifying you THOUGH you may not always like what you hear...

but the other part of you identified yourself in your first post directly to YOUR MM>...the part that can't stop hoping for the maintaining of that connection..no reason for you to have done that...you could have posted here without ever identifying yourself to him....

the lies are insidiously dangerous...the pattern creeps in to all facets of your life...and strong are you to be able to deny the lies...or even more scary convince yourself they are not true...

you know fm....I am not out to get you...I am trying to protect YOU from that of which you yourself can not do....

but lets just say that when you ask people to help...give them the human decency to be upfront and honest with them...though I am well aware of the medium that this...and the super lying highway is paved with such...

if you value honesty you live honestly....and you gotta figure out how to get there....

and perhaps this might be the safest place to start...some silly message board....
but the problem IS using this place to maintain contact as you speak of wanting needing no contact...

it is a dichotomy....

ARK

Ark,

Sorry to burst your bubble but you are dead wrong about me wanting to contact the OM through this board. I'm not sure how or why you felt the need to run me down, but it is obvious you felt the need to try to hurt me. Nothing could hurt me as much as I've hurt myself and my husband..you dont know me. I am wondering how many others you've chased off.

bye and thanks to those who offered helpful ideas suggestion and insight into what they have experienced. I am grateful to you.
fm

[ January 20, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: finding_myself ]

Hey FM

It's ok. Don't leave this place. You don't have to post, but do stay and read and learn. There really is some helpful stuff to find here.

If I have learned anything, isolation will hurt you more than anything. Follow the light. You can do this. God will help you. (John 3:19-21)

No one here is or can force you to do anything you are not ready or comfortable doing. ok?

Just concentrate on getting yourself into a safe place. You will make it.

So FM...

Should we be worried about your deleting here? You still reading? And have you found someone you can talk to and confide in? I hope so. Whatever you do, don't retreat back into that tunnel of despair. If you need to talk more here, do it. Hoping you can find the strength you need. I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know.