Letter to WH, Please read & Feedback... - 01/31/05 06:01 AM
You know, it is sad that it has come to this... me having to email you my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I think things get lost in translation. The walls sometimes go up, you don't hear me, I don't hear you and we fight and struggle.
I am tired of fighting. I do not want any of this in my life right now, not the affair, not the anger. nothing. I picture the two of you together and I get physically ill... I mean a wretched feeling in the pit of my stomach. Can you only imagine how that feels? Yes, you can ONLY imagine because in 14 years of marriage, no other man has ever laid a hand on me sexually, seductively or in any other way that would imply anything improper!!! I have been faithful to you in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
I know what we had. I know what it is like to be the most important thing in your life... although it has been a very long time since I felt that way. I deserve to feel that way again, if not with you than with someone else. If you only knew how close you were to losing me you would snap into reality and stop this madness. I do not want this, but it is not up to me.
You say you want to be a good Christian man, and I believe you do... but that means you are going to have to take a long, hard look at yourself and your life. You are going to have to exam the deepest, darkest reaches of you spirit and decide which is more important to you. I still love you so much, but love is not enough to stand by and let you drag me into the pits of hell with you yet again. I may be a fool, but I am not sadistic and I do not want to feel this way.
I do not want to fight with you over petty BS like passwords and bank acocunts, like what you are doing with you phone and stuff. I do not want to fight period. I am just tired, really!
I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down because you were unable or unwilling to do the honorable thing, to stand up and say "we need help" and then seek it out. I obviously was blind to the truth, but only because I had learned to trust you again... something you had worked so hard to build!! Why work so hard to earn my trust and to make me love you completely again just to rip me apart again? I truly cannot understand that. Is it any wonder to you that I keep askign why you hate me so? How else can I explain the sheer cruelty of it all? I know you are not happy right now, but neither am I.
There is no one on this planet that will love you and give to you want I have and what I still can. You know that. And if I believed that I would find someone who is able to give me the love that you once did, I probably would not still be here. I know that I deserve that love, and I know that I had it with you. When you and I are together, when we are "on".... when we are connecting, there is nothing we couldn't do! Look at how far we have come! After almost 18 years, you are still the best friend I ever had, even with all the heartache you have given me...
It infuriates me that you are still seeking connections with her or anyone else outside of this marriage! When you defend her, when you get mad because people are talking, when you tell the same lies to "back up" her story, don't you realize you hurt me all over again?! It is as if you have no real remorse for what you did, or no real sense of honor to stand up and truly own your mistake. It is your cross to bear, and you are refusing to carry it! I know it is not my place to make you own up to it, but as your wife I want to love and support you in the honorable way, and what you are doing is not honorable. If you did, at least I could say "yes, he screwed up, but at least he is willing to admit his mistakes and is trying to make amends".
I am not begging you to come home, and I am not telling you to stay out. I am simply telling you that I am not able to keep the limbo up much longer. It is an incredible thing to ask of me, and I only do it because I still remember the man I fell in love with all those years ago and I know he is still in there somewhere. I do it because I know our children deserve a fighting chance in this world; to know you can make a colossal mistake and still make it right. To know that their parents are human, but they are loving and forgiving souls. That God always allows u-turns.
Please think very hard about your next step, you are not the only one whos life hangs on your decisions. I pray that the Lord is working in your heart. I know He has calmed mine more than once to try and keep me from making knee-jerk decisions that I will later regret. I know that I have as much work to become a biblical wife as you do a biblical husband, but I am more than willing to try.
I love you *WH*, even through all of this, God help me... but I love you. I will not allow myself to be hurt repeatedly though, I deserve better than that. That little girl in me, she has been through enough and she deserves happiness.
I am tired of fighting. I do not want any of this in my life right now, not the affair, not the anger. nothing. I picture the two of you together and I get physically ill... I mean a wretched feeling in the pit of my stomach. Can you only imagine how that feels? Yes, you can ONLY imagine because in 14 years of marriage, no other man has ever laid a hand on me sexually, seductively or in any other way that would imply anything improper!!! I have been faithful to you in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
I know what we had. I know what it is like to be the most important thing in your life... although it has been a very long time since I felt that way. I deserve to feel that way again, if not with you than with someone else. If you only knew how close you were to losing me you would snap into reality and stop this madness. I do not want this, but it is not up to me.
You say you want to be a good Christian man, and I believe you do... but that means you are going to have to take a long, hard look at yourself and your life. You are going to have to exam the deepest, darkest reaches of you spirit and decide which is more important to you. I still love you so much, but love is not enough to stand by and let you drag me into the pits of hell with you yet again. I may be a fool, but I am not sadistic and I do not want to feel this way.
I do not want to fight with you over petty BS like passwords and bank acocunts, like what you are doing with you phone and stuff. I do not want to fight period. I am just tired, really!
I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down because you were unable or unwilling to do the honorable thing, to stand up and say "we need help" and then seek it out. I obviously was blind to the truth, but only because I had learned to trust you again... something you had worked so hard to build!! Why work so hard to earn my trust and to make me love you completely again just to rip me apart again? I truly cannot understand that. Is it any wonder to you that I keep askign why you hate me so? How else can I explain the sheer cruelty of it all? I know you are not happy right now, but neither am I.
There is no one on this planet that will love you and give to you want I have and what I still can. You know that. And if I believed that I would find someone who is able to give me the love that you once did, I probably would not still be here. I know that I deserve that love, and I know that I had it with you. When you and I are together, when we are "on".... when we are connecting, there is nothing we couldn't do! Look at how far we have come! After almost 18 years, you are still the best friend I ever had, even with all the heartache you have given me...
It infuriates me that you are still seeking connections with her or anyone else outside of this marriage! When you defend her, when you get mad because people are talking, when you tell the same lies to "back up" her story, don't you realize you hurt me all over again?! It is as if you have no real remorse for what you did, or no real sense of honor to stand up and truly own your mistake. It is your cross to bear, and you are refusing to carry it! I know it is not my place to make you own up to it, but as your wife I want to love and support you in the honorable way, and what you are doing is not honorable. If you did, at least I could say "yes, he screwed up, but at least he is willing to admit his mistakes and is trying to make amends".
I am not begging you to come home, and I am not telling you to stay out. I am simply telling you that I am not able to keep the limbo up much longer. It is an incredible thing to ask of me, and I only do it because I still remember the man I fell in love with all those years ago and I know he is still in there somewhere. I do it because I know our children deserve a fighting chance in this world; to know you can make a colossal mistake and still make it right. To know that their parents are human, but they are loving and forgiving souls. That God always allows u-turns.
Please think very hard about your next step, you are not the only one whos life hangs on your decisions. I pray that the Lord is working in your heart. I know He has calmed mine more than once to try and keep me from making knee-jerk decisions that I will later regret. I know that I have as much work to become a biblical wife as you do a biblical husband, but I am more than willing to try.
I love you *WH*, even through all of this, God help me... but I love you. I will not allow myself to be hurt repeatedly though, I deserve better than that. That little girl in me, she has been through enough and she deserves happiness.