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You know, it is sad that it has come to this... me having to email you my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I think things get lost in translation. The walls sometimes go up, you don't hear me, I don't hear you and we fight and struggle.
I am tired of fighting. I do not want any of this in my life right now, not the affair, not the anger. nothing. I picture the two of you together and I get physically ill... I mean a wretched feeling in the pit of my stomach. Can you only imagine how that feels? Yes, you can ONLY imagine because in 14 years of marriage, no other man has ever laid a hand on me sexually, seductively or in any other way that would imply anything improper!!! I have been faithful to you in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
I know what we had. I know what it is like to be the most important thing in your life... although it has been a very long time since I felt that way. I deserve to feel that way again, if not with you than with someone else. If you only knew how close you were to losing me you would snap into reality and stop this madness. I do not want this, but it is not up to me.
You say you want to be a good Christian man, and I believe you do... but that means you are going to have to take a long, hard look at yourself and your life. You are going to have to exam the deepest, darkest reaches of you spirit and decide which is more important to you. I still love you so much, but love is not enough to stand by and let you drag me into the pits of hell with you yet again. I may be a fool, but I am not sadistic and I do not want to feel this way.
I do not want to fight with you over petty BS like passwords and bank acocunts, like what you are doing with you phone and stuff. I do not want to fight period. I am just tired, really!
I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down because you were unable or unwilling to do the honorable thing, to stand up and say "we need help" and then seek it out. I obviously was blind to the truth, but only because I had learned to trust you again... something you had worked so hard to build!! Why work so hard to earn my trust and to make me love you completely again just to rip me apart again? I truly cannot understand that. Is it any wonder to you that I keep askign why you hate me so? How else can I explain the sheer cruelty of it all? I know you are not happy right now, but neither am I.
There is no one on this planet that will love you and give to you want I have and what I still can. You know that. And if I believed that I would find someone who is able to give me the love that you once did, I probably would not still be here. I know that I deserve that love, and I know that I had it with you. When you and I are together, when we are "on".... when we are connecting, there is nothing we couldn't do! Look at how far we have come! After almost 18 years, you are still the best friend I ever had, even with all the heartache you have given me...
It infuriates me that you are still seeking connections with her or anyone else outside of this marriage! When you defend her, when you get mad because people are talking, when you tell the same lies to "back up" her story, don't you realize you hurt me all over again?! It is as if you have no real remorse for what you did, or no real sense of honor to stand up and truly own your mistake. It is your cross to bear, and you are refusing to carry it! I know it is not my place to make you own up to it, but as your wife I want to love and support you in the honorable way, and what you are doing is not honorable. If you did, at least I could say "yes, he screwed up, but at least he is willing to admit his mistakes and is trying to make amends".
I am not begging you to come home, and I am not telling you to stay out. I am simply telling you that I am not able to keep the limbo up much longer. It is an incredible thing to ask of me, and I only do it because I still remember the man I fell in love with all those years ago and I know he is still in there somewhere. I do it because I know our children deserve a fighting chance in this world; to know you can make a colossal mistake and still make it right. To know that their parents are human, but they are loving and forgiving souls. That God always allows u-turns.
Please think very hard about your next step, you are not the only one whos life hangs on your decisions. I pray that the Lord is working in your heart. I know He has calmed mine more than once to try and keep me from making knee-jerk decisions that I will later regret. I know that I have as much work to become a biblical wife as you do a biblical husband, but I am more than willing to try.
I love you *WH*, even through all of this, God help me... but I love you. I will not allow myself to be hurt repeatedly though, I deserve better than that. That little girl in me, she has been through enough and she deserves happiness.
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what is it exactly you are trying to accomplish with this letter...
ark
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I guess I am trying to convey to him my feelings. I want him to stop be indecisive about the next step in our lives... to poop or get off the pot...
I feel like he has me on "hold" until he "figures out what he wants" and I am absolutely miserable with this.
I don't know, does it sound too pushy or harsh?
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Anyone else? Pretty please? Told him I was sending him an email, but if it seems to lack direction I still can undo it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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Well, I'm kinda with ark on this...what do you think will happen by sending this note? You can't "nudge" him into doing anything he doesn't want to do. He likes where he is right now!!
IMHO, letters are sent when a BS has decided to make changes in their own life and not when they are hoping a WS will change theirs. The letters are about what YOU are going to do and not about what you want the WS to do.
If you feel like you are on "hold" and you don't want to be there then YOU change it, don't wait for him to decide. Set you own boundaries and stick to them.
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not sure what this letter will do...
he seems to like where he is at and you do not like where you are...
to me, you need to place you in a spot that is better for you regardless of where he is at, easier said than done as i acant seem to get there either...
i would not send the letter
KA
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Hi Momma, I agree with NA on this. I think I would not send this letter. It might make him take a step that you are not ready for yet, neither is he. I know it is hard to just sit and wait and there are times when you think you cannot take anymore of it ( I was there two days ago). I wrote my letter too and thanks to some good advice from our friends here, I did not send it!!! I need to give it some more time as well and I really believe time works for us and gives them time to realize in what a sh**** situation they got themselves and their families <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Take care and your spirits high <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ! dakotamoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> me 39 WH 34 OW 30 S10,D4 married 11 years A startet 12/2003 I found out from OW' spy 6/6/2004 My Story <small>[ January 30, 2005, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: dakotamoon ]</small>
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OK, I am actually very glad I came here with that first. I decided to delete it, he will never get it. You are all right, I am being impatient, but it is so incredibly hard!! I have done so much for this man and it just is such a slap in the face that he needs to "think" about anything. D: You are completely right! He needs more time to absorb what he has done. I am just miserable, I hate this so much! Last time he was only out of the house a week... but last time he didn't learn either, did he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How long is enough? Not saying I am "there", but how long?
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How about this:
Just a short note to say I love you and I miss the time we shared. See you later! Love, *Me*
Better?
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I want him to stop be indecisive about the next step in our lives... to poop or get off the pot...
Until you wrap your thought processes firmly around the fact that nothing...and I mean NOTHING you do can change or get him to stop anything...
he chooses of his own free will....
his indecision is as much as a decision....
that doing nothing or the same old same is as much a choice as doing a or b...
this has very little to do with him..
and this is all about what are you going to do...
what are your boundaries..
what is your plan
and what is your decisions and actions based on his or lack there of...
ARK
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Momma'sSad: <strong> OK, I am actually very glad I came here with that first. I decided to delete it, he will never get it. You are all right, I am being impatient, but it is so incredibly hard!! I have done so much for this man and it just is such a slap in the face that he needs to "think" about anything. D: You are completely right! He needs more time to absorb what he has done. I am just miserable, I hate this so much! Last time he was only out of the house a week... but last time he didn't learn either, did he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How long is enough? Not saying I am "there", but how long? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Momma: YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE TO WIN YOUR HUSBAND'S LOVE BACK !!!!!!!!! I will almost GUARANTEE this. Ssarch the posts here, almost without fail...the WS gives the BS another chance. There is no disputing this here. The proof is all here in these posts. YOu need to tell yourself these things when you are at a low point. It doesn't matter what your WH says or does in his time as a wayward spouse, HE WILL BE BACK and will want you back (if you want him then is another story). Say it again slowly to yourself if you have to. Your WH will give you another chance at this marriage and allow you to meet his EN's, etc. This is as close to a fact about affairs as what anyone can tell you. Hang in there, he will be back.....they nearly ALWAYS come back at some point. Good luck and I am sorry for your pain. LM
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lemonman..
do you enjoy causing others pain...wrapped in your sarcasm
really?
isn't a person here that thinks you can WIN anyone back..
isn't a person here that thinks anyone wins anything in all this pain and hurt...
and your sarcasm helps who...
and how...
sometimes you are nothing but cruel...
ARK
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Thanks so much, you actually just made me day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Plan A it is, I will work on me, I will be the best "me" I can be... and that is pretty darned good if I don't say so myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It just hurts so bad, it is so incredibly sad... but I will survive!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^: <strong> lemonman.. do you enjoy causing others pain...wrapped in your sarcasm really? isn't a person here that thinks you can WIN anyone back.. isn't a person here that thinks anyone wins anything in all this pain and hurt... and your sarcasm helps who... and how... sometimes you are nothing but cruel... ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ARK: ???? I am sorry you misinterpreted my post, but I meant no cruelty at all. I think "winning love back" is certainly a valid comment. Isn't that what we all hope for in the end. We want another chance to meet the EN's, etc of the WS so as to NOT allow the circumstances of another affair to happen? I think Momma is gonna have another chance at her marriage and just needed to hear that now. Please take a chill pill and reserve your judgements for someone who cares. Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Momma'sSad: <strong> Thanks so much, you actually just made me day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Plan A it is, I will work on me, I will be the best "me" I can be... and that is pretty darned good if I don't say so myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It just hurts so bad, it is so incredibly sad... but I will survive! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ofcourse you will survive. Take a step back and breath. You cannot let this kill you. You know that you can't change him and make him do anything, so control what you can....yourself. You have taken a tough hit, but you are still standing. You will get another chance at recovering your marriage. I would be willing to bet on this. Just remmeber to say that to yourself when things are looking grim. Goodluck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LM
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Lemon- Your post to Momma made me cry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Momma: YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE TO WIN YOUR HUSBAND'S LOVE BACK !!!!!!!!! I will almost GUARANTEE this. Ssarch the posts here, almost without fail...the WS gives the BS another chance. There is no disputing this here. The proof is all here in these posts. YOu need to tell yourself these things when you are at a low point. It doesn't matter what your WH says or does in his time as a wayward spouse, HE WILL BE BACK and will want you back (if you want him then is another story). Say it again slowly to yourself if you have to. Your WH will give you another chance at this marriage and allow you to meet his EN's, etc. This is as close to a fact about affairs as what anyone can tell you. Hang in there, he will be back.....they nearly ALWAYS come back at some point. Good luck and I am sorry for your pain. LM </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to bookmark this page, or get some ink for my printer or something, this is exactly what I need when I get low, as your describing...and I don't want to lose it, I may need it for inspiration <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Momma- Hon, for what it's worth it was a good letter. I guess the others were right in not knowing what it would accomplish.....I can't tell you how many of these I have written, but not sent. I actually find it's good therapy. Get a notebook and write them to yourself, or write them to him but don't send them. They would also be good when you guys do get into the recovery stage....you can look back at the letters when you get discouraged and remember why you are doing all of this. I just wanted to tell you it's a very articulate letter....and a normal person would most certainly get the point.....too bad we aren't dealing with normal people...LOL, it'd be a lot easier. -Caren
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it was a good letter and it makes sense to me...i would even listen if i was not happy having an a ffair but he seems to like where he is ....i still say sending it wont help you...write it to you ...i have hundreds of pages and even more unsent emails...i will never have cindy back, i feel this to bo true...but i wite to her my feelings to get them off my heavy heart....
KA
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Well I just talked to WH and he relayed to me that he was upstairs in the gym checking my email cause he did not feel like "dragging his laptop out of the car" and OW asked him to do her a favor.. check the mens shower. It steams me that he is even talking to her at all! He said that was it, she asked him to that and "I am trying to be honest with you"...<sigh> Not the point, why can't he understand that?! And why does it make me so mad that he does not hate her like I do? I asked him to *honestly* picture me having sex with another man and then picture me seeing the OM everyday... He said "I can't" and I asked "why" and he said "you don;t have it in you"!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told him that was not the point!!! I cannot deal with him seeing her. I cannot stand the fact that she thinks it's ok to ask him any faovrs. I think she should have been fired for it all anyway...! I told him that, and he said "why, she is one of the hardest workers here"!!!??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I said "yep, she was working sao hard that she had time to build a relationship with you!!" and he said "nevermind". I hate the fog, I hate the fog, I hate the fog!!!
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Well isn't that fun! I hate this, I really do! Anyone else have a take on this above statement? Am I totally over-reacting... he did tell me about it, he didn't lie... She only asked him to check the shower cause a member complained that the shower would not turn off... WH is a "nice guy" and wasn't gonna sit there and make a scene... BUT!!! Am I now making excuses for him? Which side seems more rational, cause I am obviously feeling somewhat schizophrenic right now!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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Well isn't that fun! I hate this, I really do! Anyone else have a take on this above statement? Am I totally over-reacting... he did tell me about it, he didn't lie... She only asked him to check the shower cause a member complained that the shower would not turn off... WH is a "nice guy" and wasn't gonna sit there and make a scene... BUT!!! Am I now making excuses for him? Which side seems more rational, cause I am obviously feeling somewhat schizophrenic right now!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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