Tell Me How................... - Marriage Builders® Forums

These are the questions my soul screams out constantly.........thought I'd just throw 'em out here.

Tell me how to get past the feeling that I'm vastly empty

Tell me how to get over the feeling that I'm only complete in his arms.

Tell me how to stop missing him with every fiber of my being.

Tell me how to stop loving someone I've been loving almost 1/2 my life.

Tell me how to stop needing him.

Tell me how to forget him......when I look at my daughter he's all I see.

Tell me how to make this pain go away.

Tell me how to stop flashing on him being in someone else's arms

Tell me how to be strong, when I'll I want to do is give up.

Tell me how to fight, when all I want to do is lay down and die.

Tell me when does it all end? A week, a month, a year, forever?

I think it will be forever......and forever is a long time......the answer is I will

Never stop loving him, he is the only man in this world I've ever loved

And all I can do is wait until the day the Lord brings him back to me

Because I can never be happy without him.

-Caren

Caren, are you spending all of your time thinking about him? Is there any way that you could do something to change your focus, even if just for a little while each day? I've read your posts about not working right now, but you've gotta get a grip, girl. You have computer skills -- could you run an ad to type term papers, resumes, etc. while you're not working? Anything to get your mind off your WH?

Blessings,
PM

Nothing I do makes me forget about it...I can pretend I'm not thinking about it, but I always am....I can't help it....I have this feeling in my chest at all times.......it feels like there's a big friggen hole in my chest at all times.

-Caren

I understand the feeling of the hole in your chest. I had the exact same feeling after my pop died. It's one of the worst feelings ever.

I wish I had the answers to give you. You just need to give it to God - He will help you through it.

((((((Caren)))))

Oh, Caren, you can be happy without him. You have to know that much at least. You might not feel it, but you have to know it.

These feelings go away, but they take a long time. Being on the BS end of infidelity puts you through a protracted grieving process, similar to the way you'd grieve if a loved one suffered from a potentially fatal disease, but worse in a way because not only is there the loss, but there's the offense directed at you personally.

Caren, my d-day was the first week of May, 2004. I still cry when I go to the grocery store (haven't figured that one out yet). A few times a day I still get this sensation that causes me to almost double over.

I hurt less than I did two months ago, but I still hurt lots.

I don't know when it ends, I just know it ends. As for the how do you do it? You know the answer. You just do, because what other choice is there?

GC

Jesus! He will tell you how. Get into the Word and prayer.

You only need one man in your life. So love Him, fellowship with Him...ask Him. He promised never to leave you nor forsake you. He calls you His friend. Jesus completes you, not your husband.

I think maybe this is what Jesus wants you to get out of all of this. Yo uare putting your husband in the place of Jesus. And He will not allow that. He is a jealous God. He wants your relationship. Jesus must be more important than anyone...your husband...your kids.

In His arms.

[ February 23, 2005, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Because I can never be happy without him. <hr /></blockquote>Caren, Chack is right... give it to God. You are stronger than you think. And yes, as hard as it is to believe ... you will be happy again, with - or without your WH.

You aren't there yet, but when you are, the key is allowing yourself to be happy.

And Caren it is so romantic that you believe your H completes you and that without him you are somehow incomplete, less than you were. But again, believe me Caren, YOU are the total package, complete and whole just the way you are.

I can't tell you How ... Just BELIEVE!

{{{Caren}}}

[ February 23, 2005, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]

Caren--
First, you just hold on and go THROUGH the grief. The grief for what was, for what you had dreamed that you could have. See clearly what is happening now and understand that you don't control anything or anyone but yourself.

I used to cry at night while visualizing Mary or Jesus sitting on my bed with me either holding my hand or touching my back in comfort. The experience deepened my faith in God and in myself. I WILL be happy again, I WILL survive and do fine. I AM a wonderful person, with or without my H.

Caren, it is all a journey. You have to be brave and go into that tunnel and experience it all the while BELIEVE that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel. You will, in fact get glimpses of it along the way that will encourage you to keep going. So many of us here have walked that path, sometimes just a toe at a time! and other times with leaps.

Caren, hang on. TAke the focus OFF your WH and your M. PUT the focus on YOU and take care of making you the most emotionally, spritually healthy person you can possibly be. There is NO choice, because NOTHING you do can make your H change until he is good and ready after his OWN journey.

Caren,

What have you been doing today since the last time that I posted to you?

What brought you down to this? Was it the talk with him this morning?

I understand how you are feeling. I felt that I could not possibly live without my H. So I decided that the best thing that I could do was to fignt for him.

Working MY PLAN, whatever it was at the time A or B was how I pulled through.

Of course, as Mortarman says, I had to put my trust in the LORD. I knew that HE would provide for ME one way or the other. I knew that my GOD did not want me living the way I was, not eating or sleeping.

I hope I can say this to you. I believed that it was the Devil or evil spirits that was encouraging me to not put my trust in the LORD. So I fought SATAN and the evil forces that were trying to destroy my MARRIAGE.

I'm not trying to be too hard on you or mean to you when I encourage you to get up and fignt. Get active. DO SOMETHING. That will help you with your depression. How do I know this? I have been there.

Like I have told you before, I was so dependent on my H like you. However, I thankfully learned through this that I can take care of myself and so can you, Caren. So can you.....

[ February 23, 2005, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]

Cmc: If I may...:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to get past the feeling that I'm vastly empty <hr /></blockquote>Takes time! The empty feeling will eventually pass. Try not to rush it; but do find friends, hobbies, etc.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to get over the feeling that I'm only complete in his arms. <hr /></blockquote>You are learning that you do not need anyone to complete you. Desire and need - so close, yet so far.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to stop missing him with every fiber of my being. <hr /></blockquote>You do not miss "him". "Him" is an adulterer. You miss your perception of him. This is a growing experience for you. Hard to understand - I know, but it is.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to stop loving someone I've been loving almost 1/2 my life. <hr /></blockquote>Can't do that. You'll probably love him for a long time. Just be sure it's the real him you love and not the him you think he is.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to stop needing him. <hr /></blockquote>Choose to! Re-create your own life. Learn to love yourself again. Become proactive in meeting new people and spend time with them. Call old friends, they will be there for you.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to forget him......when I look at my daughter he's all I see. <hr /></blockquote>Why would you want to forget him? He is a part of your life. Accept that - and begin life anew.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to make this pain go away. <hr /></blockquote>Begin acting Faith. You must replace the pain with joy. Re-focus your focus. If you will choose to act differently - with different people; your emotions will follow. But you must have faith in that!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to stop flashing on him being in someone else's arms <hr /></blockquote>It's a natural thing for you to experience - given your sitch. Time, friends and faith!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to be strong, when I'll I want to do is give up. <hr /></blockquote>Sorry to be redundant; time, friends & faith. Read the Bible. It's really good stuff. You'll be inspired!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me how to fight, when all I want to do is lay down and die. <hr /></blockquote>Faith. You're too strong to lay down & die. You are definitely a survivor! This day will pass.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Tell me when does it all end? A week, a month, a year, forever? <hr /></blockquote>All of us want to know this answer - but none of us will ever find it! It is one of the most unfair situations in all of life. Don't put a timeline on it. Become proactive and time will take care of itself.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I think it will be forever......and forever is a long time......the answer is I will
Never stop loving him, he is the only man in this world I've ever loved <hr /></blockquote>Perhaps you're right. Perhaps not! No matter though. Your duty to yourself is to rekindle old friendships and start new ones. You are very dynamic and full of energy! Allow others to know you. Enjoy yourself w/o him. Let your guard down and have a little fun.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />And all I can do is wait until the day the Lord brings him back to me Because I can never be happy without him. <hr /></blockquote>So very untrue! Today is tough - make tomorrow better. Find yourself and have some fun. Let the Lord decide if/when WH comes back.

Caren: Do you remember the "forest for the trees" cliche? You're too close and it's all consuming right now. I know it's hard - believe me; I've been there! Help yourself have fun and good things will happen! Regain your faith. It's all powerful. Allow good things to happen!

FR

{{{Caren}}}}
I definitely don't have the answers but I can tell you this....I felt the same way you did several months ago and now I'm at a point where I KNOW I will be happier WITHOUT my WH. The pain of what is happening to us will never go away but it will get easier with time.
You have to just belive that God will get you through this. Take on day at a time. God...I know it's hard..trust me. I met my WH when I was 18 and got married at 19. I've been with hijm for half my life too. I know your pain.
I know that God has something better for me out there. You just have to put your trust in God and get through each day. I promise it will get better. Keep posting...it truly helps. You are always in my prayers.

[ February 23, 2005, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]

[ February 23, 2005, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]

I have faith guys, it just helps me to put all this stuff down. It's not a bad thing for someone who showed no emotions...........so now they kick my butt, I've been running from them for so long, I have no clue how to handle this, so you'll have to give me some time..............I'm gonna take longer than most people if it ever happens........I've gone from not feeling to feeling EVERYTHING.

It's not for lack of faith in God........I have faith, I am not putting my husband in Jesus' place...........it just hurts, and I have trouble getting around it.

-Caren

{{{{{{{{{{Caren}}}}}}}}}}

It will get better, you will not feel this way forever. "This too shall pass . . . "

Give yourself time to wrap your head and heart around what has happened, what has changed. You are doing just fine. We are all here with you.

Spidey

Caren,

Everyone who has posted is right.

Also, consider this:

We should never depend on another person for our own happiness. Another person can ADD to our happiness, but should never be the end-all and be-all of our happiness.

Besides, expecting someone else to make us happy all the time is too much responsibility to heap upon their shoulders.

Find something that doesn't depend on another single individual to make you happy. You have to be happy within your own self before you can be happy with someone else.

LC

Caren,

I don't post much but your post made me remember how much it hurt to do Plan B. And you know no matter how many people told me it would be okay and that I would be okay I didn't believe them, didn't believe that it would ever feel better. I can honestly tell you it will. I thought I was going to die without him. You won't. In fact you will be better than okay. Time is everything here. In two weeks you will feel better than you do now, and in four weeks even better. Eventually you will be like who? Oh yea him!! Honestly. It does get better.

Everyone is right though, don't spend so much time thinking about it. Keep so busy. Do everything with your kids you possibly can think of. Never be alone. Find friends, volunteer, organize, do anything you can to keep busy. Never be home if you can help it. Visit long lost friends and relatives, but don't discuss him. Just try to live life like he was never there. I know easier said than done. Hugs to you. Let the angels and the lord lead you.

HINY

Oh my... I did this too.
Please consider that you may be making an idol out of your WH. I did and now I'm glad that I have broken free from that.

He should not be more important than your relationship with God.

I am still learning to get closer to God and to not allow anything or anyone come between me and God again.

Also, I know that if (by some mega-miracle) my marriage could recover, it would only be with my WH and I both having close relationships with God first, each other second.

In a weird way my wanting so much for my WH to turn away from the OW and back towards me was analogous to the way God wanted me to turn away form worshipping my WH and back towards worshipping God.

I read recently that if you place anything or anybody in importance over God, God may give you what you want for a while, until you come to the full realization that what you want won't make you happy. Well, I feel like that happened to me. Maybe God answered my previous prayers to keep my WH and I together just so I would finally see how unhappy my WH woudl make me - LOL. I stuck by my serial adulterer WH no matter how poorly he treated me. And it nearly destroyed me. Then my WH left me anyway. I had to turn to God and now I am finally feeling the love and security I craved for so long - but from God - not my WH.

I don't know if my WH will ever change (seriously doubt it).

But I'm becoming more and more OK with that because I know I am loved and cared for.

And now I know I can hold out for the right kind of relationship with a man or else no deal. Because God is already taking care of my needs I don't feel so desparate that I'd settle for whatever my WH offers.

Things WILL get better.

Someday you really will realize that your WH is the one who is losing you. And your WH may even realize that in time too.

See Caren - many folks care about you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You will get through this - and be stronger for it.

FR

Caren,
Everyone here cares about you. You have helped me soooo much all the while you are hurting.

To recover, I do two things:

1. I force myself to do things; exercise, walk, bike, go out, have company over, anything to get my mind off of it.

2. I stop, take some time alone, and absorb the pain. I think about the pain and let it in and accept it. I tell me the pain is visiting me for a while but will get tired of me and leave. During this time, I usually sob like a baby. I am a 43 year old man that has always be a rock and I sob.

Caren - We all adore you. I wish I could just hug you over the computer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I am done with this ordeal in my life, and I reflect of all the people that have helped ME, you will be towards the top of the list. So will David, Hosea, Gimble, Orchid, Suzy, etc, etc. Everyone here has helped me so much.

Caren,

I think it was Fishracer who posted to you that your WH is not who you miss, that it was simply your perception of him. I can relate to that completely. You may or may not feel that way even if your WH were there with you. Every day I miss my perception of Patriot. I miss the life (I thought) we had together. Fishracer's concept would completely explain why I miss Patriot so much when he is standing right in front of me. I often think in my head "I miss MY Patriot." I miss who I thought he was and what I thought we had.

Gimble posted something to Patriot a bit back about changing brain chemistry. I don't know if it applies in your situation, but in case it may be useful I thought I would send it your way.

"Here is a small thing that you can start right away if you choose to. It will sound bizarre to you, but it will help remove some of the undefined, but fond feelings you have toward the other woman. This will help put your mind in a state more receptive toward your wife.

First, you pick out any single thing about your ex-other woman that you disliked. It could be something about a giggle, or her feet, or maybe you didn't like her chin. Whatever. There is almost always something that an affair partner finds distasteful about the other person. Focus on this.

Now, Every time that you think about the other woman, replace the thought with the image of what you dislike about her. I promise that if you practice this religiously, a change in the 'fog' and the way you view the relationship will occur quickly. It will literally change your brain chemistry (according to theory, but it does work) This is NOT some magic or occult practice. It is a simple exercise used in de-programing cult victims. It is also used as a coping mechanism."

-Gimble

It takes time. Keep yourself busy with your children, friends and family. But most of all it takes time!

Hang in there...

[ February 24, 2005, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: okiedokie ]

Hi Caren.
You have sure been given some good advice here on this thread.

I was wondering if you could post your story.....I see you joined in September, MANY posts ago!~lol~

I recently read 'lemonman's story' and it felt like I really got to know him and his situation.

Caren, there is something that has been bothering me and I know you sure don't need anything more on your plate right now, yet as mom's, our kids are our FIRST priority.

You have mentioned how your 10 yr old daughter has conversations in the evenings with her dad.
(Either she calls him or he calls her) "The night night I love you's".
What about your 13 yr old daughter? It seems she would feel SO LEFT OUT by daddy.

I realize she has a different father but hasn't your husband been her Daddy since she was about 2 years old? Maybe because I am older and have 8 grandchildren, this is standing out to me.
I know all children need the same amount of love & caring from their parents.(Real or step makes no difference.)

Very Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Caren - just checking to see how you were....

David

Hi folks, now my internet is off, so I'm next door at the neighbors posting real quick....so you didn't think I dropped off the planet,,,,I'm alright and all that.

Thank you all for trying to help, Froz....I can't think of anything I don't like about him to be quite honest. I actually miss him...I've been through this affair thing before, I know what we had....I want what we could have if we tried. I miss HIM, he's not acting like himself right now, but I know he's in there....and that's what I miss.

I'm doing much better today.....and Keith is right, I have to sit with the pain for a bit. I found out in group today, quite by accident that I have been ignoring the fact that I'm sad that my husband left me. I knew I was, of course.....but I've been stuffing it without realizing it.....which is why it seemed so awful....I finally recognized it for what it is, AND more importantly I can now accept that I'm sad.....I think that's more it than anything...the acceptance of being sad, it's not so all consuming now because I've given it it's recognition.

As for DD13, WH is not her biological father. He loves her, and she loves him....but she feels no special need to talk to him to tell him goodnight everynight. She doesn't even call her actual Dad and tell him goodnight....just wanted to clear that up, lest you think I'm a loon because WH only talks to DD10 at night.

Yep, I'm feeling much better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> After I'd come to the whole "Sad" realization thing...I felt so much better, so I thanked God, and I said...."Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do now? I think I'm finally able to hear it." God is probably thinking "FINALLY! She finally gets it, man this chick is slow on the uptake."

I'm still hurting, but at least I know what to do with it...and the nervous energy....that I'm using to clean up all the little piles of stupid stuff I have all over my house....it's so cluttered, I'm not cleaning, cleaning tonight, just throwing a bunch of superfluous bull crap away, there's no reason to even save it, why the hell don't I throw anything away?!?!?!?!?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Caren

Caren how are you -been worried. How are the bills coming anyway ? Please update us.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I'm still hurting, but at least I know what to do with it...and the nervous energy....that I'm using to clean up all the little piles of stupid stuff I have all over my house....it's so cluttered, I'm not cleaning, cleaning tonight, just throwing a bunch of superfluous bull crap away, there's no reason to even save it, why the hell don't I throw anything away?!?!?!?!?

[Smile]
Caren<hr /></blockquote>Caren - that's exactly what I've been doing. PILES of stuff. GONE -- heh heh. I could care less. More will show up someday anyway. Too bad you lost the 'net! Gonna miss hearing from you! You need to post as often as possible, specially after the great help you were yesterday....

David