Caren,

I think it was Fishracer who posted to you that your WH is not who you miss, that it was simply your perception of him. I can relate to that completely. You may or may not feel that way even if your WH were there with you. Every day I miss my perception of Patriot. I miss the life (I thought) we had together. Fishracer's concept would completely explain why I miss Patriot so much when he is standing right in front of me. I often think in my head "I miss MY Patriot." I miss who I thought he was and what I thought we had.

Gimble posted something to Patriot a bit back about changing brain chemistry. I don't know if it applies in your situation, but in case it may be useful I thought I would send it your way.


"Here is a small thing that you can start right away if you choose to. It will sound bizarre to you, but it will help remove some of the undefined, but fond feelings you have toward the other woman. This will help put your mind in a state more receptive toward your wife.

First, you pick out any single thing about your ex-other woman that you disliked. It could be something about a giggle, or her feet, or maybe you didn't like her chin. Whatever. There is almost always something that an affair partner finds distasteful about the other person. Focus on this.

Now, Every time that you think about the other woman, replace the thought with the image of what you dislike about her. I promise that if you practice this religiously, a change in the 'fog' and the way you view the relationship will occur quickly. It will literally change your brain chemistry (according to theory, but it does work) This is NOT some magic or occult practice. It is a simple exercise used in de-programing cult victims. It is also used as a coping mechanism."

-Gimble

It takes time. Keep yourself busy with your children, friends and family. But most of all it takes time!

Hang in there...

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: okiedokie ]</small>

Hi Caren.
You have sure been given some good advice here on this thread.

I was wondering if you could post your story.....I see you joined in September, MANY posts ago!~lol~

I recently read 'lemonman's story' and it felt like I really got to know him and his situation.

Caren, there is something that has been bothering me and I know you sure don't need anything more on your plate right now, yet as mom's, our kids are our FIRST priority.

You have mentioned how your 10 yr old daughter has conversations in the evenings with her dad.
(Either she calls him or he calls her) "The night night I love you's".
What about your 13 yr old daughter? It seems she would feel SO LEFT OUT by daddy.

I realize she has a different father but hasn't your husband been her Daddy since she was about 2 years old? Maybe because I am older and have 8 grandchildren, this is standing out to me.
I know all children need the same amount of love & caring from their parents.(Real or step makes no difference.)

Very Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Caren - just checking to see how you were....

David

Hi folks, now my internet is off, so I'm next door at the neighbors posting real quick....so you didn't think I dropped off the planet,,,,I'm alright and all that.

Thank you all for trying to help, Froz....I can't think of anything I don't like about him to be quite honest. I actually miss him...I've been through this affair thing before, I know what we had....I want what we could have if we tried. I miss HIM, he's not acting like himself right now, but I know he's in there....and that's what I miss.

I'm doing much better today.....and Keith is right, I have to sit with the pain for a bit. I found out in group today, quite by accident that I have been ignoring the fact that I'm sad that my husband left me. I knew I was, of course.....but I've been stuffing it without realizing it.....which is why it seemed so awful....I finally recognized it for what it is, AND more importantly I can now accept that I'm sad.....I think that's more it than anything...the acceptance of being sad, it's not so all consuming now because I've given it it's recognition.

As for DD13, WH is not her biological father. He loves her, and she loves him....but she feels no special need to talk to him to tell him goodnight everynight. She doesn't even call her actual Dad and tell him goodnight....just wanted to clear that up, lest you think I'm a loon because WH only talks to DD10 at night.

Yep, I'm feeling much better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> After I'd come to the whole "Sad" realization thing...I felt so much better, so I thanked God, and I said...."Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do now? I think I'm finally able to hear it." God is probably thinking "FINALLY! She finally gets it, man this chick is slow on the uptake."

I'm still hurting, but at least I know what to do with it...and the nervous energy....that I'm using to clean up all the little piles of stupid stuff I have all over my house....it's so cluttered, I'm not cleaning, cleaning tonight, just throwing a bunch of superfluous bull crap away, there's no reason to even save it, why the hell don't I throw anything away?!?!?!?!?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Caren

Caren how are you -been worried. How are the bills coming anyway ? Please update us.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm still hurting, but at least I know what to do with it...and the nervous energy....that I'm using to clean up all the little piles of stupid stuff I have all over my house....it's so cluttered, I'm not cleaning, cleaning tonight, just throwing a bunch of superfluous bull crap away, there's no reason to even save it, why the hell don't I throw anything away?!?!?!?!?

[Smile]
Caren</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Caren - that's exactly what I've been doing. PILES of stuff. GONE -- heh heh. I could care less. More will show up someday anyway. Too bad you lost the 'net! Gonna miss hearing from you! You need to post as often as possible, specially after the great help you were yesterday....

David