Post deleted by Spitfirre

Welcome to MB,

When did you tell your H about the A? What have you read from MB? Surviving an Affair? His Needs/Her Needs?

Please read those books as well as the concepts section above. Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire and then call Steve H or Jennifer C @ MB.

What you both need now are recovery plans.

take care,
L.

Hi Spitfire

I am sad to see your predicament. You are in a good place to get help though. Folks like Orchid can help you enormously. Have faith !

I am a BH (that is my wife had the affair not me) but I know how you feel regarding suicide.
In fact I tried that just over a year ago after I discovered Squid's affair ( Squid's my dear wife), but if I'd been successful I would have missed out on the wonderful blessings I have recovered since then. THEN my life was a terribly painful mess. Now my baby lovs me and I love her. Our kids are happy, our futures are intertwined once again.

Spitfire you need to be calm in this. Can you tell us:

* What your marrige was like before your affair?
* What actions you and your H have taken since then to recover from it ?
* Have you kept in contact with the other man?
* Have you or your H had marriage counselling?
* How have your kids been affected by this ?

And I would also second what Orchid says. Studying the articles on this site, and reading " surviving an affair" by Willard Harley will help you understand whats going on a LOT better.

And phone counselling with the Harleys is usually really helpful too.

Spritfire, try to have hope and be calm. Panic is not your friend right now.

I've seen marriages saved from the brink of divorce before now !


All blessings

Before my affair I would come out here to the puter where my H is to spend time with him. He would get up and go into the living room to watch tv so I would go back in the living room and at that point he would come back to the puter. Like he didn't want to be in the same room as me. He didn't want to hold my hand or anything. And I tried talking about it to him but it didn't do no good it went in one ear and out the other. But we got along good we horse around and laughed and had fun and all but for me it wasn't enough. Is that wrong on my part?

After my dear H found out from a letter on the puter from me and this guy he asked me about it but I didn't want to hurt him and told him no nothing is going on I was so scared in hurting him. Then I told him yes it did happen I had to tell him cuz he was calling the person. He was a friend of the familys. My dear H ended up on depression pills cuz of it. I'm so sorry for it. But we ended up closer than ever just like when we was dating. I was so happy. He went and made my like a dream come true. I never looked at another guy scents my dear H is my dream guy. But we just forgot about it shoved it to the side. We all still stayed friends. Then the other guy asked if he could come and stay here with us while looking for a job H said it was ok. Then we the day came we got a call he was asking how to get to our house. My dear H told him and that is when it started all over again for my husband. I didn't do anything and it want to. I love my H. It was a mistake to let him come and stay for a couple weeks.

As for counselling I like to but my husband don't want to he don't talk about how he feels with just anyone. His got to know and trust you and he don't even talk to his parents about what is going on. They know we are getting a devorce but don't know why and what nots. I do go and talk to my pastor and he went up there to meet him and ended up talking for a little but he said he don't want to go back up and talk to him again even though things went good.

My kids is doing ok so far. My son told my dear H he hates him for hurting my and for getting a devorce. I didn't know about it tell my dear H told me about it. Other than that they seem find they know we aren't going to fight over them that we are going to share them just like now. They just don't like to see mom hurt. They don't want there family torn apart any more than me.

I haven't read any of the books yet but been thinking about getting some to read to help us out.

Yesterday I showed my dear H my post and the site and asked him to look at it. He didn't I'm hoping he will tonight and see that someone has repled maybe he will take time out and look at it. If anyone can give him a little help here also would be great scents I can't I guess. Right now he says he don't know to alot of stuff and that he needs to just go for a drive and think about stuff but he hasn't done so yet. I wish he would hoping he will give me another chance but scared he is going to want the devorce even more so. He says everything is just missed up in his head and he don't know what to do beside get the devorce. I hope you guys understand what I'm tring to tell you. Its hard for me to explain it. When its not my feeling.

Friday (tomorrow) we got to go to court for the kids. I so don't want to go.


Thank you for the replies and help.

bumping for Spitfire

First of all, I think you should accept responsibility for what you have done. If your children are upset with your husband about the divorice, I think you need to step up and explain to them that this is YOUR fault. He doesn't have to go through with the divorice, but, you were the one who broke your marriage covenant. I think its a terrible cheap shot of you to let your children think your husband is bailing on the family, when it was you who bailed on them.

I didn't let my kids think that when my son got up set I sat him down and talk to him. And let him know that I did things that I shouldn't have. Sorry I forgot to put that part in. Its hard to remember to type in everything. I won't let my kids down my husband I want my kids to look up to their dad. And I know my son didn't mean what he said. I tell my kids that dad and mom loves them all the time. Also that mom and dad still love everyone even each other we just have some problems.

Spitfire.
It seems as though both of you are acting based on instinct and not from knowledge.

I TRULY suggest you buy "Surviving an affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Judith Chalmers. You can read it and learn the dynamics behind your own situation, and then hopefully your husband can too.

Please let him know first that nobody here, or anybody on THIS site is going to tell him he can't or shouldn't divirce you, just that another way is possible.

* Spitfire's husband, in case you read this, I would like to say that 15 months ago my own Dear Squid was stealing our kid's college money to set up home with a wretched other man and screwing him in a seedy motel. I was suicidal and embarassed. Squid ALSO blamed my lack of intimacy for the affair.

I chose to fight for my dignity and my marriage and right now as I type, my baby is upstairs in my bed, loving me: a great mom, a great wife and my best friend - closer than in YEARS.

Sir, I urge you to study to get some healing before taking ANY permament decision such as divorce. Affairs are TERRIBLE things, like soul nukes, but they can be used as springboards to make marriages better afterwards.

In case it helps, sir, I bundled up my experiences AN the wonderful advice I got from the smart caring people here as I fought against the affair and my instincts.

please Click here

I beg you to study here, read "surviving an affair" and then, maybe "his needs, her needs". I am English and you KNOW how stuffy we are ! Yet even MY attitude was transformed by reading these books. I understood what was going on after reading them, and got tools for putting it right.

Divorce is not pain free, recovery is not pain free, bt all I know is I wouldn;t change my decision to recover from the gates of he11 for anything.

All blessings to you both.

*edited 'cos I typed it out when VERY tired !

ok I got a question I want to save my marriage of course. I asked my husband if he wanted to try to save it also. He says he don't know. If its just me tring to save it can it still be saved? He says he needs time to think about things and I keep giving him chances to do so but he doesn't do it. Last sunday I told him if you like I got the kids you can go and drive around and do something thinking like you said you want too. Well he didn't want to ok. He said it was Sunday and he didn't want to be leaving. Then on Tuesday I had the day off from work I told him if you like come home and have your dinner and relaxe and then you can go and take off to be alone. He didn't want to cuz it was after work. Last night I wrote him a letter and today I gave it to him and told him I'm taking the kids to the park and then taking them to your moms. I thought that it would give him time to read my letter and think and some time alone. 1 hour later I got a call from him asking me if I'm coming home cuz he wants to watch this movie and he knew I wanted to watch it too. I packed the kids back in the car dropped them off and came home. He didn't do any thinking. Tonight he wants to go to a friend of his wedding and then to his Aunt's house. I really like to be with him but he don't want to be with me. I find that hurts me alot. What should I do?

P.S Bob Pure my dear husband did read what you said but didn't say anything to me. I hope it helped him some. thank you

I forgot to tell you all everything at the court house worked out we didn't fight over the kids it was a in and out thing. We was able to talk about what we wanted about the kids and what we both wanted to say when we got there. We both got phs. custosy of the kids.
The lady that was doing our case told me something when my DH went to the bathroom. She said that she thinks that things will work out when she looks at us she see so much love in us. I hope she is right and things does workout. She isn't the first person to tell me that either. I just hope my dh realizes it soon.

Yeserday I gave my dear Hubby the LB & EN q. He looked over them but didn't have time to fill them out with it being halloween and all. I hope tonight he will fill them out. I got my ENQ filled out now I just need to give it to him. Now that I did it I wish I had it years ago. If I did I don't think we would be where we are today. I just hope it helps. I stopped bugging him about the D. I try not to think about it cuz I get sick when I do. Just the thought of him not being my husband makes me sick to my belly. Last night he did come and sleep in our bed, I hope he stays in there. I hope I can not worry about the D and not be pushy and in time (soon I hope) he comes up to me and hugs me and tells me he wants to try to save our marriage.

He did go the wedding by himself and then afterwards he we went to the bar to a halloween party where his Aunt was at. I was so upset that he didn't want me with him I couldn't stay home. So I went up to my parents house and stayed the night there. I was so up set I forgot to leave a note and then just thought he would call me when he got home, but he didn't. Sunday was his mom surprize birthday party with all of his family him and the kids was going. I didn't know what to do. Then I thought I should go for the kids at less. So I went man it took alot to go. His mom did come up and hug me and tell me thank you for coming. That meant alot to me. My dear husband didn't say a word to me while I was there, and I didn't him when I did walk up to a group of people that was talking and he was there he would walk away. That hurt! Later that night out when I got home we did talk. Yesterday we did talk and horsed around alittle.

Now I just need to want and see what today brings me (or us). In a hour and 20 mins he will be on lunch and he will be calling me. Yup he calls me at his lunch break, and after he gets out of work. That makes me feel good.

I just hope and pray things work out for us, and also to all of you guys.

ok I'm back and feeling more like crap now than I did a min ago. I'm talking on msn and this is what she said to me and now I don't know what the heck to do beside cry.

She says:
From everything he has said to me and to Robin, I just don't think he is going to do that at all; nothing specific, just his overall attitude, he is just done and happy as all get out to be free sooner than later to honest with you Lena

I know, but I think you will do much better if you just accept that part and move on, even though I know it must be painful for you to be in such a different spot than he is right now


he did file for the divorce and seems like he has no intentions of backing down on it; Robin asked him once if he was going to, or what his plans were, and the only thing he knew for sure was that he couldn't wait for the divorce to be over with


Plz Plz someone help me I'm so scared of losing him. What can I do? I'm in a need of a friend right now I feel like I'm so lone. (*tears*)

Should I move out?

No, do not move out! It is your home. If anybody is to move then let him do it. You are to stand up for the M as long as you can. You should either win a victory for your M or go down like a batle cruicer with the flag up.
Keep your spirits high! There is still hope.

Thank you for the post it helps to hear from someone.

Spitfirre,

Don't move out and don't do anything to cheat yourself, your kids, or your husband. You know what you did and you are fighting for the marriage. That is a plus. Try to schedule an appointment with MB if possible.

Encourage your husband to read all he can. He can draw strenght from the boards. He is hurt. I am a BS and understand, but you are willing to work on the marriage. You both have a long way to go, but keep up the good fight.

Don't give up.

Thank you I'm glad I'm doing the right thing about fighting for my marriage. Today I was really starting to feel down about all this after I started talking to the one person on msn. your post up lifts my sprits enough to carry on the rest of the day. Thank you again and hope the replies keeps coming. I'm off to make his fav. cake. I hope that makes him happy.

I suggest you get some individual counseling immediately. I still have hope for your marriage, but whatever happens, you will need to make some changes.

Reaching out to have another man meet your needs was a HUGE mistake. Now you are paying for it. So get some counseling, and learn to communicate your needs to your partner.

When I talked to him at lunch from work last night he was having a bad night cuz the kids was always fighting, and it was getting to him. He told me he was going to sleep in the living room again and that he shouldn't have been in bed with me the night before I of course was hurt. When I came home I found him in bed. I'm glad that we are sleeping together again, and I hope I don't scare him back into the living room. What should I do to make sure I don't scare him off? What should I make out with this? Plz let me know.

Husband just got home and want to go out to the bar with his Aunt this saturday. He is making this a habit. Before he wanted the divorce we never went out with his Aunt. I don't know what to think or do. I do know how I feel and I'm not liking it. I have to work this weekend so for him to go out he will have to get a sitter which would be his sister -in- law or his mom cuz we don't belive in babysitters. They wouldn't watch the kids for us to go out together before why would they do it so he can go out? He said ya and I'm sure your going to make sure that you work every weekend so I can't go out. I was like no I would rather be home with the kids on weekends cuz then I see him more often. A friend of mine from work asked me to go out with her and I said yes cuz for 1 husband keeps telling me I need to get out and have fun. 2 he has been going out every weekend beside 1 weekend scents I got my papers. 3 I do now know I do need to get out and make friends and have a life from home. That is what my husband always tills me. I was always happy being with my family. Is that wrong? Please someone help me!!

Ok its 1:20am kids in bed sleeping so is husband, I was in there lying with him till he went to sleep. Then came out here and see if I had any replies before I go to sleep. Before he went to sleep we had sex. Can he have sex with me just cuz he is horney or cuz he still loves me but can't say it or show it anymore? Thinking he was the one that wants out of the marriage not me. But once in a while he will say if we do stay together or it maybe to late. I feel like he is playing mind games with me. He says he don't know what to think or do. Can anyone give me a word on this plz?

Put Rocks under the cushions of the couch in the living room??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm that sounds good HEHEHEHE thanks for the laugh

Think of us when

You see a eagle,
it shows togeter we can fly high.

You see or smell lilac's
together we have bloomed,
and made other beautiful lilacs.

You see fish,
that togeter we can explore life.
And the life that we had already explored together.

You see or read a book or movie,
Their is always surprises in it.
And till its over you don't know how its going to end.
Just like our lifes together.

You see a smile or hear a laugh,
Together we will make each other smile and laugh.
And all the good times we had.

You see a heart or a couple,
Remember our love for each other that we had,
and can have for the rest of our lives.

To My dear husband that I love lots!
From your wife that loves you more than anything.

I'm going out tonight is that wrong when I'm trying to fix my marriage?

I guess that would depend on who is going out with you. It would also depend on his thoughts on this.
p

I was just going out with a friend from work and he wants me to get out and make friends and have fun. Last night I did have lots of fun. I was back home about 10:30pm didn't want to be out all night.

You know even though I had fun last night that is all I did was think of my husband like when we was playing pool I told my friend my husband could have bet them at pool. She is single so she was looking but I wasn't. But when I look at a guy I would look to see if he is like my husband. I told my friend man I want my husband I don't want to start dating again if we do get a divorce. I think I would be looking for my husband in a guy if I did have to start dating again.

Does anyone else do that?

WHAM! That was a 2x4. Now the next hit:

I seriously doubt the two of you can work this out yourself. Too many reasons:
(1)Your affair.
(2)Having the OM in the house for some time.
(3)Having filed divorce.
(4)The ongoing love busters – arguments, confrontations etc.
(5)Your H inability to communicate with you.
(6)You making it easy for him.

Are you honest in saying you want to reconcile? If so you really must work for it! It won’t “just happen”. You have to plan and then implement the plan. Basically you have to FIGHT for your affair. A bare knuckle, bellow the belt no rules fight.

Like I say: I doubt you can do this yourself. First step must be to get to Marriage Counseling. The MC can tackle issues like (5) which is the biggest issue at the moment. How do you get him to accept MC? Here are some suggestions:

Stop making getting D easy for him! Demand full custody of the kids. Tell him after D you will cut him completely out of your life (Plan B). Start talking serious money for support and alimony. Demand the house… Just make the D an uncomfortable path.

Tell him that your kid’s will accept D better if the both of you can truly tell them you did all you could to fix the relationship. Until you try some sessions in MC that is not the case.

Even offer uncontested D if the MC evaluates there is no chance for you after some sessions.

Make it clear you do not want your old relationship. Tell him you want something better WITH HIM. Didn’t you feel ignored in your old relationship.

Make sure H realizes what he will be missing. Steer away from love busters, dress up, flirt with him, cuddle, have sex like rabbits. Make sure he has a full stomach and sore loins!

I am not guaranteeing that the above will help you. I do guarantee that it will get you from the present situation and that situation has been downhill from the first post.

Oh my I don't know what to say. For one I can't fight for the house its his parents house so I got to move out. 2) Man I hate to say this but I love him to much to hurt him. 3) After our court date to see what happens to the kids he told me if I did fight to get full custody of the kids he would go and fight against it. I don't want to lose my kids. But when I want to get child support I just have to walk in the court house and let them know I want it started. I don't have it started cuz he gives me more than what I would get from the child support right now. 4) we do have sex still but I don't think it means anything to him no more. To me it means alot! He don't even like me toughing him anymore. I can't lye my hand on his leg or hold his hand or cuddle at night. This hurts me so bad. I don't know what to do about it. I'm trying to make things work out between us I go and clean house have dinner going for when he gets home from work. I talk nice to him and don't start fights. A big part of the is cuz I'm scared of saying anything to him anymore cuz if I do he will be rud to me or start a fight. So now I just try not to say anything. I know thats not good. He asked for sometime to think but how much time does he need. I gave him the LBQ & ENQ and they aren't filled out yet and I'm not pushing him, but he said well my eye was hurting all week so I didn't get to it yet. Scent I got my papers he is doing alot less here he is doing nothing. He did try to fix my truck this Tuesday. Besides that he isn't doing anything just watch tv and play the puter. He don't play with the kids no more just yells at them. The kids wants me to move out with them but the want there dad but they don't like how dad is treating mom and makes mom cry. They tell me and others that I'm trying but dad isn't. I do try not to cry and show that I'm hurt but they still see it even when I do hide it. I don't know what to do. I'm not the only one that is getting hurt my kids is also. They know mom did something that dad didn't like but they know mom is trying to fix it and dad isn't. I don't want them to be mad at him so I keep telling them don't be mad at him I did wrong. What is really sad is when I went to look at a place to live and the kids went with me they loved the idea of moving. They don't like where we live cuz of the house. It needs alot of fixing up but we don't got the money for it. This is my love buster and he knows it, and its the kids also. My other love busters is I can't get close to him and touch him like I could before I got the papers. As in the same week I got the papers. He would hold my hand, hug me, kiss me and what not. Now nothing! Another one is that I'm scared to talk to him and or just can't. We always could before. He was my best friend he was always there for me now his not. I missing having my husband that would just horse around with me and the kids during the day and at night cuddle. I do alot for him that I never liked to do before or just haven't tried before but did it for him. That is his hubbies movies, books, sex, games what ever. If he liked it I would try it and do it also. I don't remember what I like anymore cuz I do what he likes to make him happy. But I guess that wasn't enough. The one thing I didn't like is going to bars so I didn't go so he didn't go.

I don't know what more to say and I think I may have wrote a book already. I just wish I knew what to do or say anymore to him.

Thank you for being here for me!

Ok I just took another step. I call my insurnce and got some numbers to get counseling so now I got to wait for my husband to get home with the cell home there I can call and make appointment with them. I can't wait. I don't see him going but I'm praying he will. I'm also thinking of letting the kids go if they like to go.

I don't know what to think I'm to scared to think good of this and have it not be good. Well Caavin will let me hold his hand, hug him, little stuff like that just once in a while. I'm hoping its good. Could it mean that he is trying to work things out or what?

Sleepless night!
I can't sleep we was in bed watching a movie and my husband didn't want me to touch him at all. Not even just my hand on his hand, leg anything. He says he don't like anyone touching him true but he always let me as his wife. I just feel hurt everytime he don't want me to touch him. I feel like he don't love me and he can't tell me he loves me. Its always me hugging him or what not when is it my turn for him to hold me love me? I WANT TO FEEL LOVED!!!

Tonight I was walking down the hallway and had pains in my ribs like they was caving in on me I fell down to the floor and couldn't move. I was yelling and crying in pain my kids came running to me to help me, but as for my dear husband he stayed on the puter and didn't move. Yes he did hear me. My kids went and got him and he came and helped me stand up and told me to go and lye down. He wouldn't even help me to bed. Later when I was calling for him cuz I needed him he just kept telling me just a min.(on the puter still) Mins later like 15 mins he came I asked him to feel my ribs to see where the pain was coming from to see how bad it is and make should it was my ribs and nothing else (yup it was my ribs) and I told him I need to get out of my work clothes and into reg clothes I need help he said I going to eat this sandwich first, and he walked out of the bedroom and back to the puter. 1/2 hour later he came back in I told him I need help getting my clothes on, he told me just leave my work clothes on. So I ended up doing it myself with my little girls help. Then I went with him over to his brothers house to drop off some movies and to pick up ours. So we could have a little alone time. Even though I was in pain like crazy. He stopped at the gas station to buy him a drink and stood in there talking for a while. I was still in pain in the car. When we did get to his brothers we ended up there for a 1/2 hour or longer. Even though he said we was just going to stop run in and grab the movies and run out.

Don't know where to turn!

Did u have an anxiety attack? I had one similar. The WS didn't care. Made me furious. Yet I couldn't even walk. The pain was in my ribs also.

Go see a doctor. Think about plan B. You don't need a person like that in your life. Especially not in your home.

L.

Spitfirre,

I honestly feel from reading your posts that you and husband are in a bad place. Rather than working on your situation the two of you are fermenting in a status-quo that is not good for you. I still maintain that the two of you CAN NOT fix this alone.

My honest view is that IF you carry on like this you will either end in an unloving marriage or divorced. I also think your husband is sending you very mixed signals and that could possibly be a good sign. Take for example the fact he does not want you to touch him. If he were really repulsed by you he would either kick you out of the bed or sleep on the couch. I think he is trying to show you his anger and repulsion, but is not willing to go all the way.

You two really really really need to go to counseling. If he does not want to go you have to make him. I doubt you can drag him by the ear but read some of the suggestions that have been posted here can get him to go.

Is he carrying on with the divorce? Has he told you that soon you will have to move out? Has he told you why he wants a divorce and how things will be after that? I strongly advice you to fight the divorce with all means and demand counseling.

How can I get him to go to counseling I can't even get him to talk to me about us at all when I do ask him something its I don't know that comes out of him. Then he will stay I told you to just leave me alone and let me think about it for a while. That could be at the end of the week and I haven't said anything to him all week. Its almost like if we don't talk about it it makes it easier on him but harder for me. I need to talk about it. I need to know what is going on or whats going to happen.

Spitfirre,

Listen to yourself! It’s EXACTLY because he refuses to talk that you need counseling!

If what you are saying is the absolute truth then just accept divorce as inevitable! Start packing and humbly ask what meager possessions you can take with you.

Are you really saying that he calls all the shots? Don’t you think you can expect some answers from him regarding the divorce? Don’t you have some input in how it goes? Is he divorcing himself or divorcing you? Are you going along with everything he says rather than make waves? If so how do you expect recovery?

How do you make him go to counseling? I’ve already told you once: you fight the divorce. Start making demands. Talk about support and housing and such. Also talk about how hard it will be for kids. Whether you don’t owe it to them to go to counseling. SIMPLY SAID: YOU DON’T MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM!

At the moment you are so frightened of making him angry that you are allowing him to sink into his depression and creating a world of pain there. Get the two of you out of this rut!

According to the MB principle you should avoid all LB, become desirable to him and make sure he knows what he will be missing. That is great. Do that. However, he has set the clock ticking by filing for divorce. I can tell you one thing: If I were to file divorce from my wife I would not be sleeping in the same house as she is. The situation you are in is not normal and far from healthy for either of you. You must break out of it!

One suggestion: If he shows no initiative can you arrange for your priest to visit you at home to discuss your issues? Make sure the kids are out!

My husband is stubern like a bull if you push him he is just going to stand there. If you want him to do something he isn't going to unless he wants to. And if you bug him about it it will take even longer for him to deside to do it.

Spitfirre,

I think you are using the wrong tactic here. Clearly it has not worked for 3 years. If you feel the marriage needs counseling support, then go to counseling by yourself if necessary. Learn, grow, hear new relationship skills, pick the ones you want and use them. If you start changing how you do things, how you react to your H, HE will change as well.

You say he is stubborn like a bull. Well, he is a wounded bull, and wounded animals don't respond to attacks (or what the preceive as attacks). You must remember that you don't know what he is thinking so in many cases you are using the deadliest of all love busters...the disrespectful judgement. Using the DJ often means a person does the wrong thing for the right reasons.

Work on you. Become a stronger person, a person YOU are proud of. Work on your life, set your boundaries and enforce them. Go to counseling, thoughts of suicide are NOT endearing to anyone. You may not realize this but someone that even mentions the spectre of suicide is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

If you want to be someone your H's wants in his life, you need to start by becoming someone YOU want in your life, someone YOU respect, someone YOU like. Work on that for awhile and don't worry about your H so much right now. That bull will be attracted to you as you become happier with yourself, and then you won't have to force him to do something.

You change how you react to yourself and those around you, and you will change how he reacts to you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I have changed I just can't fall off the wagon. But why would I want to fall off the wagon when I can choose to happy, and with my family. I work now and making new friends and going out. I'm looking at life in a whole new way. Life is good everyday cuz today I got my family and new friends, and I'm working at a job that I don't mind, my husband is also working, and our health is good. I'm loved by my family and friends. I have one bump in my life right now and that is the divorce but I'm working on it. Well one more I worry about tomorrow and I want to change that also and working on it also. But doesn't everyone worry about tomorrow? Anyways that is something else I want to change. Oh and understand how my husband thinks I understand that on our way up to my brothers. Now I just need to work on letting him have his time to think.

Tonight I asked Caavin if he is still sad as when he filed he said no. Then I asked him 1-10 how much happier are you he said a 1. He also said if I can get over you having affair everything will be ok. So I'm asking myself how can I help him? I don't know. Is there anyone out there know how I can help him. Or someone that is in the spot he is in? If so how did you get over the affair? Plz someone let me know how can I help him besides give him time.

I'm happy that he was able to tell me what he could. Just wish I could help him. I wish I was the one hurting not him. Its not fair that he is hurting it should be me. I know now before I do something to stop and think who is it going to hurt. Now I just need to pray for god to guide Caavin though his pain. I do know that a divorce isn't going to help him get though it. That is what I think anyways.

All I want for Christmas is one happy family no more pain.

It sounds like your husband is extremely hurt. I don't think you realize how hurt.

Have you figured out what caused you to have an affair twice with the same man? Have you figured out how you can prevent this in the future?

I see you ended the affair because your husband caught you. Have you spoken to him about how sorry you are?

I had affair only once and I stopped it on my own before he caught me. We stayed friends but that was it and when he moved out of here I just never talked to him again by my choice. And what caused me to have affair was that Caavin wasn't showing me love. Something I needed and no matter how much I told him that he didn't listen to me. I just wanted to feel loved then someone was showing me the love that I wanted from Caavin and before I knew what the heck I was doing wrong it was to late. And no its not going to happen again cuz he now knows what I need and shows me. He realized it when he found out I was turning to the OG. I just wish he knew before hand cuz then I wouldn't have went to know one else to feel I was loved. But that doesn't excuise what I did nothing can. I take full blame for it. *tears* I just want what we had when he was showing me love. I want to see the look in his face when he is happy and looking at me. *tears* I want to feel him holding me and telling me its ok.

Why did I have to be so selffish? Why did I have to feel loved? Why couldn't him just be married to me and being my husband and best friend be good enough. Why did I need more. With that I lost what means everything to me. He is my life my soul my love my breath my heart that beats. Without him what am I?



*tears and a vary wet face*

"And what caused me to have affair was that Caavin wasn't showing me love"

This didn't cause the affair. I think you need to do some more reading here.

he wasn't showing me affection that I need. I'm sorry but there is no other reason. When you feel that your husband can't give it to you it makes you feel trable inside. Makes you feel ugly like there is something wrong with you that he can't show you the affection that you need. When you want sex and you get turned down time after time it hurts. that isn't something easy to live with.

Probably not this Christmas.

Have you ever grieved a death of someone very VERY close to you?

If you have, you will understand that the pain is always there ... but will not always be on the surface.

This is how it is for the betrayed spouse. The pain is never completely gone, but his higher level of functioning through the pain will return ... in time ... in HIS time, not your time.

So, in the meanwhile, do the best you can and YOU need to understand that this pain is real, it is never going completely away, but it will lessen and be pushed aside ... replaced by happier memories.

Imagine you suffered the terrible death of a child ... you know that the pain will eventually lessen, but the loss is permanent. This is like that, for your husband.

I'm sad none of my needs is getting met no more.

You can get many of your needs met through your children, your friends, and activities. I think you probably need to accept that your husband will not meet your needs right now. But that doesn't mean that it will never happen.

In the meantime, take care of yourself, and do things with your children and friends.

I meant as well scents he is going to the bar with his aunt again this Saturday. I just wish he wouldn't

Yup I think I give up!!!

Tonight Caavin is going to the bar again with his Aunt the kids don't want him too neither do I but that doesn't matter no more, they want to spend time with him and play. They are tired of there dad not spending time with them. What can I do? If I tell him I'm going somewheres he has to watch the kids, he will just have his mom watch the kids. Tonight he was up at the gas station all night and my daughter was upset cuz he didn't come home.

Please someone help me, help my kids!

I want to give up on my marriage cuz I'm tired of being hurt and I know it is just going to hurt more when I do move out and the divorce is final. So to make it easier I just want to shut down my feeling. Does this make scents? Don't get me wrong I still love him what what good is that if he don't love me no more?

Ok I can't give up its not working I love him to much. How can I get him to fall back in love with me?

spitfire

I have been where you are.

first there is NOTHING you can do to 'make' him love you. What can you do to make him 'see' that you have remorse and want to take back the pain you caused?
Right now you NEED, I said NEED, to stablise yourself and start fighitng for your M in the long term.
I suggest you go to counselling by yourself asap. You do need to work out why you gave your love and self to another and thus learn how to ensure it will NEVER EVER happen again. I doubt it is as simple as you think .. it usually surprises every WW the things that really bothered them.

You see, running around crying you are sorry and feel terrible etc etc while true, doesn't count for squat with a man who has been betrayed. He wants that of course, but he also wants to see what you are doing about it in the real world. Right now he feels he owes you nothing, the M is over blah blah blah. However he would be out of there if a part of him did not want to get back the M he thought he had.

Now that wont be possible. That M is dead. But a new M can be created out of this mess but its going to take time, hard work, frustration, pain & a willingness to learn new methods of living together.

YOU will have to start this. My H was very much a you stuffed it up you fix it person back then. Fair enough too, BUT reality did finally get through to him that he would have to give a bit as well. I think your H may get there as well.

There is no getting around this SPITFIRE, YOU are going to have to do the work for a long while before he takes some interest if he does, becasue there are no guarantees here.

BUT you can do it if you are willing to listen to a lot of good advice, get the counselling yourself first, put up with his rejection for now.

On a separate issue, his behaviour with the kids needs to be addressed. Don't know & you dont say if this was the same before he found out about the A or not. If before I suggest you have some deep problems in the M in addition to the Affair which is not that unusal. If it started after the affair was known then it may be some sort of depression perhaps. At the least you should be able to say to your H "Can we talk about the kids - not us for now - but the kids". Ask him why he is rejecting them, why he is not spending time etc... if you need to be blunt do so, if it works better being more subtle do so..what ever works.
Dont accuse, ask calmly. He may be rude but plug away keep your cool.
If he wants to go out to the bar on a friday see if he can spend more of his Sat or week day with the kids to make up.
One big word of warning ...do no get the kids involved in trying to get him to go or stay to the bar ..this will be thought of by him as emotional blackmail - & is - and will turn him against the M once & for all.

Now knuckle down young lady and fight smart or you WILL lose him. read this web site on Plan A and start it. Read the books you've been recommended ..start acting positive!! even if you feel like death warmed up.


All the best

AW

What to do about this h is getting some of his needs meet my other women. On his way home he stops at the store and talks to the girls there for hours. That is something I have been waiting from him but can't cuz it is a one way convo. Friday night he went up there about 6 or 7pm and didn't come home till like 4am. And then had one of the girls call him the next morning (couple hours later) to wake him up. I was the one to answer the phone. I was mad hurt and heart broken. He also now has one of the girls phone (home and cell#) in his cell phone. He always stops there before coming home.

My son was talking to me and said he can't wait tell he is 12 years old which is in Feb there he can stay home alone and watch his sister when I'm gone to work there they don't have to go over there dads. I know I have time to deal with this but what should I do if they don't want to go over there dads. I don't want to make them do something they don't want to do. But on the other hand I do cuz it is there dad and I want them to be with there dad. I don't think I'm going to have much trouble with sis cuz she wants her dad and when he isn't here she is upset about it and then worries that she isn't going to see her dad again. I tell her diff but she is so sad when she don't have her dad.

Another thing she is worried about is that she thinks that after the divorce she thinks that his parents won't like her no more. I told her diff but she don't belive me.

please advise on this! I'm worried about my kids!

Something I don't understand H said he is still living here cuz he is tring and he is in our bed cuz he is tring. We all have to move out of here and I asked him to move in with me and the kids till the divorce is final, he said no he can't. What does this mean? Does anyone know me tell me?

Friday we went Christmas shopping and had a good time he put his hand on my leg and let me hold his hand when we was driving down the road. It made me happy! Than on the way home he told me to call to see what is playing at the movies. I was like HUH?!?! So I did. We went to Wal-marts just to past time then He took me out to eat then we was going to go to the bar but I didn't have my drivers lis. It was just something to do while we waited for the movie. So we went to the movies and just sat in the truck talking. During the movie I got to hold his hand again. After the movies we went home went to our bedroom and watched a movie, and had sex. It made us happy. Then Saturday night we had a fight after I got off work. He went to the bar it was ok with me the kids was over his parents house and I was gone to work and he said he would try to be home when I got home. But he didn't make it his Aunt and Uncle had a fight and he ended up staying there to help them out. I called him but he wouldn't answer the phone. The truck stalled on me and didn't want to start. I lefted a message for hime to call me. I got the truck to start and when he did call me it was I got something to deal with and I will be home. Just before that his Ancle told me that Johnnie isn't with them and that he lefted them long time ago. So now I'm worried big time. He wouldn't tell me what was going on or where he was nothing then he hung up on me. I called back and his Aunt took the phone and told me that johnnie is with her and that her and her husband is fighting and that Johnnie will be home soon. I was like I want my husband home we got our own problems. She tells me to give it up that it will never work out. KNIFE IN THE HEART!!! I was drving tears running down my face and can't see where the heck I'm going. I hung up on her. Then later Johnnie called and told me he was on his way home that he just passed Merrill rd. then he pulled into Bp's gas station just 2 miles from our house and merrill rd is like 10 mins. away. I went out and said this isn't merrill rd. and he said that he said it cuz he was stopping into bp's and didn't want me to have a fit. I said I wouldn't I just don't like it when you stay hours on hours up here. I let it go about him lying but we got into a fight about it. So how its my fault that he had to lye about it. The next morning we woke up had sex again and I went to work and come home and he is gone. I lefted me a message saying I'm not going to be home tonight I got some thinking to do. He didn't tell me where he was staying or nothing. And wouldn't answer the phone. This morning I talked to him and he didn't want to talk. Then I talked to his mom later asking her to bring the kids stuff back home cuz they have stayed there for the last few days. She said well I don't know I got to talk to Caavin about it. Then tells me that the only reason he has been staying with me this long is cuz of the kids. And that he is going though the divorce. I'm so confosed please someone say something anything please. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him or my kids. *tears*

Hi Spitfire, I will take a look at your sitch and get back to you soon.

Anyone else wants to chime in?

I want my husband to come home tonight, but what I want doesn't matter no more. No matter what I say or do I don't think it helps. I think I'm doing everything wrong. I'm so sad, and feel lost. I just want to hide in the corner and give up. I want this pain to go away. *tears*

He didn't come home last night. We have a water line broke and he won't fit it. We heat with a wood stove and there is wood just for one day if we are lucky or one night. That would have been used if we stayed here last night. But his sister in law called me and asked if me and the kids wanted to stay over there for the night. His brother I guess doesn't like the thought that he lefted us here with no heat or water. While he is over his parents with no worries. When I found out that it was his brother idea for us to stay over there I cried cuz someone does care for us, besides my family. Before we lefted this morning to take the kids to school she told me when she will be home and I can come back.
I'm not going to my parents cuz I want to keep the kids in the same school and I don't want the kids to be so far from there dad. Right now they need their friends and their cousins ( where we are staying at).