Wasn't able to retrieve my old post, so I'm starting a new one to update on the events of the past week-
Thanks to the many here who have been following my story and
providing support, thoughts and prayers. To those who have
not, the history is in condensed form at the bottom of the
post.

Update-
Although I hoped that WH would decide to spend some time
together for Christmas- I wasn't counting on it, so made
plans last week for activities with friends and family.
I had asked WH to get together a couple of times, but he
didn't show much interest, so I quit asking, and went to
a real "180" type plan, where I didn't call, didn't ask
anything, continued with my activities, and went about my
holiday plans without him. Although I had no idea if he'd
even notice or it'd have any effect, it at least made me
feel like I had a little more control and I felt more at
peace with things most of the week.
WH called every day. Took some good "acting" and really
going against my natural instincts, but I didn't ask much
about anything WH was doing, didn't ask him to do anything,
let him know I had been going about with my baking, gifts,
decorating, and "our" traditions- without him !

Had debated about getting a gift for WH or not as I felt it
likely he was going to give me something. Earlier in the
month I had told him I had a short, easy gift list of just
two items- 1) End it with OW 2) Get an appointment for
counseling (for his issues) but I didn't expect this would
happen. I decided to get him just a small gift, so had it
under the tree.

Last Friday, WH called me during the day to say he had been
at our house. He had dropped off his receipts, picked up his
mail,visited the dog, etc. I asked if he had seen that the
gifts from his parents were under the tree, and he said he
"hadn't been in that room". I felt bad, knowing that he had
probably come and done this on Friday because he would be
busy the rest of the weekend with OW. Went home and found
the receipts and all as expected but he had also put gifts
for our dog and me under the tree, so did "go in that room"
after all. He had not taken his gifts, from either me or his
parents. (?)

Went about with my plans on Fri night and Saturday, even
though I felt very sad and lonely to be spending the first
Christmas without WH after 11 years together. Talked to a
friend on Christmas Eve and went to bed. Was awakened about
210am with a phone call. Didn't recognize the number, so
I didn't answer, but the person called back two more times
so I finally answered- it was WH. He was calling to ask me
for a ride, as he had been stopped and cited for DUI !!
He was very apologetic, embarassed, and sounded extremely
upset, just didn't have anyone else to call (OW was with
him !:( Asked what he had beeen doing, out on Christmas
Eve, and he said he had been up at a nearby mountain town, (gambling area) which is about 40 miles away. The officer then got on the phone,(very nice) and explained that normally they would have "booked" and kept WH until a judge was available, but due to Christmas was going to allow him to be released and would also not impound the vehicle if I would come and get him. I wasn't sure what to do, but knew that Wh didn't have anyone else to call, and I decided I would not feel right if I didn't help him. SO, I dressed, had to get gas, and drove to the "holding center" which took
about an hour. When I got there, OW was sitting in a waiting
room (looked just as "skanky" as the previous time I've seen
her) and said "Hi, I'm OW". (She didn't know that I had
previously seen her). She said that WH was very upset and
horrified about the situation, to which I said "yes, I'm
sure he is, because he's been through this before and knows
it's going to be a long, drawn-out issue with big expense,
taking classes, doing community service, losing his license,
etc>". OW looked at me strangely and said "But he told me
this has never happened before". And I said "that is not
true- Wh has had two previous DUI".
About that time, the officer came out, and had me sign the
paperwork to pick up WH. OW went in the bathroom quickly,
so the officer asked me if she was ok. I said, I didn't
know. He said he thought it was very nice of me to come out
in the middle of the night on Christmas to pick up WH, and
that it appeared to be an "awkward" situation. I said "yes,
it was- this was my H and his "girlfriend". He said he had
figured that out. He said that OW's car was apparently
parked down the road in the next town and was I willing to
give her a ride there, where she was going to get a cab to
take her home ? (cab does not run to the place we were).
I said I guess I could. OW then came out of the bathroom-
looked very disheveled and had a sour look on her face.
The officer asked if she was okay and she said yes. He then
asked if she was going to have a problem or start a problem
if I gave her a ride to her car. She said "she guessed not".
Officer said- "not good enough answer". She said "well,
she didn't think so" (with attitude) and he told her "she
could walk her a** home as far as he was concerned so she
better lose the attitude" (I liked him). We then walked
outside where WH was standing, and got in the car. Stopped
at WH's car so he could get his phone and coat, and while
he was out of my car, OW said to me "You don't know me,
and don't know anything about me, so shouldn't be judging
me". I said "No, I don't know much about you, but know
enough to realize you apparently are a person who doesn't
mind having an affair with a married man". (said calmly)
OW said "She realized it must be awfully difficult to be
going through a divorce". I said "I wouldn't know, OW".
She then said " You don't understand- I love WH". I said
"Well, OW, I told you when you first called me that I loved
my H and was doing all I could to save our marriage, and I
still do".
WH then came and got in the car, so that was the end of my
conversation with OW. I dropped OW at her car (she said
"thanks") and Wh and I left. WH was freezing, so was shaking
and shivering, as well as very upset. He sobbed much of the
way and kept saying "he couldn't believe it", that he had
"ruined Christmas", and that "it was funny how God could
remind you of things". I tried to be somewhat comforting
and mostly just let him be-
I asked him if he wanted to come to our house, but he said
he'd rather just be by himself, so dropped him at his rented
room. Felt bad for him, sad about the whole situation, but
"numb" enough that I came home and got a little sleep.

Went ahead with my holiday plans with family but felt for
WH and thought of him and how he must feel. Later in the day
he called. Had gotten a ride to pick up his vehicle and he
was very quiet and definitely upset. I asked what he was
going up there on Christmas Eve and what happened. He said
the whole thing had been stupid- that he and OW had gone up
to the gambling town "just for something to do", he had
a few drinks, but didn't feel impaired at all, and then
had been stopped in the little town, with the officer saying
he had weaved in his lane. Because it was very cold, they
did not have him do any sobriety tests, but he did do a
blood test (don't have results yet) based on their suspicion
of his being impaired. He thanked me profusely for coming to
pick him up and also for giving OW the ride to her car, said
it had really meant a lot.
I asked "are you happy with OW ?" Wh said "not really".
He then said he just couldn't believe this had happened,
what a horrible Christmas it was, and said he was just going
back to his room. He sounded like he might have wanted to
stop by the house, but my parents were there, and I don't
think he could deal with seeing anyone.

Monday, the OW called, but I didn't answer the phone.(saw
her on the Caller ID). I don't know if she was calling to
again "defend" herself, tell me how much she "loves" WH,
or was going to say thanks for the ride, but I didn't feel
I had anything to say her her. Later WH called. He was out
of the "shock" mode and pretty much freaking out. He asked
if okay to come over so he could get his old legal paper-
work out. He came later and really looked bad-probably as
depressed as I've ever seen him, pacing, crying off and on,
and exhausted. I sat with him, talked some, just listened,
and held him when he sobbed. He finally layed down for a
little while. Said he knew he had to get help, was so sick
of his life going "this way", and had never felt so bad.
It was hard to say anything I thought would be helpful or
positive, but I did say "God has a way of giving you a wake
up call when you need it, and maybe this is yours". He
agreed. He then really surprised me by asking me to tell him
more about bipolar disorder (have suspected this is his
problem, but he has not wanted to discuss, be evaluated or
do counseling). I told him what I knew- very carefully
worded. Shortly after, he left to head back to his room.
I went outside to pick up some branches in the yard and
he called awhile later- said he was going to OWs house to
talk to her. I said "about the DUI?" and he said "NO, about
their relationship". I asked "what about it ?", and he said
"he wanted to end it". I asked "how was he going to do that"
and he said he would "ease" out of it. I said" I could understand wanting to do it that way because it's not going
to be very easy, but that it might just be better to do it
quick and clean, all at once". He said he would talk to me
the following day.

Tues- Wh called me first thing after I got to work. He had
gotten out the list of counselor I gave him months ago (I
was surprised he had kept it), and was already calling to
try to get an appointment. He was also doing some looking
in the internet for DUI info and lawyers. Said he had not
hardly slept and couldn't eat- his depression and anxiety
were so bad. I offered what few suggestions I could make
and asked if anything I could do for him. He said it just
helped that I "was there". Heard from him several times
through the day- he was frustrated in not immediately having
luck in getting an appointment with a psychiatrist. Had left
some messages, had a couple not accepting new patients,
had a couple bad numbers. Later he called and asked if I'd
want to eat with him and then go to the hot tub at his club
where he is staying ? We went- and although he was pretty
quiet and subdued due to his mood, it was a nice dinner,
fun to hot tub with him and then just hang out in his room
for a little while. He had gotten an appointment the next
morning with a psych., had made one for our regular Dr,
and had set up consultations with two lawyers.
He asked if I thought he was an alcoholic ? I said, I didn't
know, but it seemed like he did have some kind of alcohol
"issues". (He goes months without drinking at all, and never
even touched our fully stocked bar at home). Talked about the fact that alcoholism is considered to be somewhat
hereditary and he has alcoholism in his family too.
I carefully asked how it had gone with OW when they talked ?
He said they had talked some- but he had been too tired and
stressed to say much. (was afraid this might happen)

Wed. WH called in the morning after the first of his Dr.
appointments. He was disappointed, as this Dr had told him
he is only "part time", and does prescribing only, no type
of counseling or therapy. He gave WH a couple of RX and
told him to call back in 30 days, so not very helpful.
WH asked if I would come with him to his medical Dr. appt
in the afternoon. Met him there, and saw our regular Dr.
who looked over WH's list of meds and agreed he really does
need some help. He had WH take a test for anxiety and also
depression. He scored "borderline" on anxiety and very high
on depression. Dr. said notes in his records indicate that
another Dr has previously suspected Wh is bipolar. He then suggested he wait until he see the psych. later to see what she would suggest on meds. Went to eat and back to our house afterwards, where WH rested until we went to the next appointment. On the way there, WH told me "I am sorry I
hurt you"- amazing what a big trauma will do !!

Met next with a psychologist/therapist. She was very nice,
and in just that first session, I felt she really "hit the
nail on the head" with several of Wh's issues. (needing
attention, not having a good model for communication while
growing up, etc.). She also said she was already thinking
that the description of his feelings, the tests he took,
his behavior, etc. sounded very much like bipolar disorder
and that it also sounded like WH had been misdiagnosed and
on the wrong medicines for the past five years, which could
actually have made him worse. She suggested he needed to
get on the correct meds right away, and helped get an
appt. with one of the Dr at her office, who WH is to see
next week.
Throughout the appt. Wh was very honest, open, and talked
about both his issues, the DUI , and our situation. He
is scheduled to go back next week, and the therapist has
asked that I come then too. The therapist also told WH
that when you are having a crisis, the great anxiety, the
depression, and feel like you are sinking fast, you just
need one "stable" thing to anchor on and hold onto to and
that in the case of WH, that anchor was ME. He agreed and
said I had always been there for him- he also had been
holding my hand tightly throughout all the appointments and
much of the day, and was wearing his wedding ring all day !

Came back to our house and WH stayed for awhile- ate, just watched some tv, and played with the dog before he headed
back to his rented room for the night. Talked to him later
there to make sure he was okay- and he thanked me for being
there for him and going with him.

Yesterday, WH called me several times during the day, just
needing some reassurance. Asked what he would like to do
during the evening and he asked if okay for him to come over
after work and eat, hang out at the house. We ate and
watched a movie. Although I am hesitant to push too much or
ask too much about OW due to his poor mental state right now
I did ask what was happening with that situation and if he
was still planning to end it. He said yes, just not very
easy, he hated to hurt anyone, and he felt sorry for OW since she just moved here and knows no one. I said that's true, but I guess she knew that when she moved here, and perhaps she would have the option to move back home. (I
would SO love that !!) As with several others here, sounds
like WH thinks it is easier to break things off when done
"gradually" than just a clean, final break <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Today, I've talked to WH a few times to make sure he's doing
okay. He's not been sleeping well and has trouble eating so
is just exhausted, but he did talk to an attorney this
afternoon and was feeling a little more encouraged. I didn't
know whether he would be wanting to do anything together or
not, but he said he thought he'd like to come over to the
house, so I guess he must be finding some comfort in just
being able to eat something, and relax with his own things,
the dog, and me. I don't know what he is telling OW !!
(but he's not been with her all this week)

Although I feel very sad and bad for his situation, it seems
like this is the big "wake up" that it had to take to get
Wh to finally seek help with his mental/emotional issues
and to (hopefully) again value our M. I am so encouraged
that he is finally going to get the help he needs with all
his issues, and hopefully is going to be correctly diagnosed and put on the proper course of treatment.

It's also so nice to have him apologize, being loving, being
in need of me, and being with him, but I realize much of it right now is probably the trauma of the whole thing, and I'm hoping that his saying he's going to end it with OW is not just a passing thing while he feels so down. The legal issues, and ramifications of the DUI are going to be quite some time to resolve, so WH probably realizes he's going to need some help and support for a long time to come.

Any ideas on getting him to end it with OW quickly and not
"easing out" of it ? I think he both feels guilty and bad
about doing it, as well as maybe fearful- from my bits of
experience with her, I think she can probably be very nasty
and difficult ?

I feel like I've made huge deposits in his lovebank this
week with all that's been going on, so should I now go to
a great "Plan A" and continue with as much support, love
and kindness as possible ?

Whew, what an exhausting week !!
Slammed



BS- me, 42 WH- 39 Married 7 years, together 10 years
No kids (WH has two daughters from previous R)
2000- H diagnosed with depression, OCD, started on one of
many anti-depressants he has been on without much response.
2001- WH has brief internet "flirtation" (one month)followed
by EA with older, recently widowed woman (approx 6 mos).
I moved out for one month, went to Plan B.
H asked for us to get back together, recovery begun.
2002-2004 Mostly good years
2005- WH spends lots of time on internet, spending money on
??, dishonest, being secretive, disappears for hours, and
makes no effort on M. Takes several questionable "business
trips". Demands we file D paperwork, then takes it and does
nothing with it for months.
8/05- WH moves out of house, still denies A.
10/18/05- OW calls me with graphic details of the A- they
met on internet, she just moved here, and Wh has been living
with her since he moved out. WH told her we were divorcing.
After exposure, OW kicked WH out of her house, and he moved
to room by himself, but after "breakup" of about 10 days,
they are still seeing each other.

She is an idiot...and you are a far better woman than I...

Had I been at the police station and the officer asked me to get her a ride home...I'd say...Heck NO officer! She is a working girl? Prostitution IS ILLEGAL IN THIS STATE ISN'T IT? SHE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THIS MAN RIGHT HERE! Book her Danno!

I am so sorry for your pain. And yes, WH is hitting rock bottom. Drunk, cheating and arrested with affair partner on Christmas eve. What judge wouldn't love to contemplate child custody with a man like this! It would be so not fair! You'd be fine if this man never straightens up btw.

But I think if he gets on proper meds, and can control his depression and other mental issues, you can then begin to get a grip on this recovery.

He needs to cut off OW fast and quickly. Surgical strike is what the military call it. Cold turkey...

And it is ironic...but my xh also has trouble with gambling and gets angry w/alcohol.

Think imho, it has something to do with the endorphin/serotonin levels in brain. And the whole affair persona..they were basically WS' waiting to happen,

Wow. What a ride that was. I really liked the cop, too. I can not imagine you having to drive her anywhere- maybe drive over her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Sorry that wasn't nice.

I think you handled yourself very well.

I hope your husband will continue in treatment. Maybe the therepist will encourage him to make a clean break from OW.

I really hope the best for you.

Was the cop cute? Have a ring? If not give him a call and thank him. Who knows; might meet someone who deserves you.

Slammed,

You have been through a very strange week for sure.

Sure sounds like WH is hitting bottom. I hate to say it but I hope he is because there is nowhere to go but up.

You definatley are better than me because I would have never given that woman a ride anywhere. God will bless you for your selfless act.

I will keep you and your WH in my prayers.....

Its going to be a long hard road but I think your up to it just by the way you handled all of this .....


Hurting

You're so much better a person than I am. Had it been me and a WW and her toy called, they'd have spent the whole weekend contemplating their misdeeds behind those cold, iron bars.

My hat's off to you. I really hope this signals a turnaround in your husband's behavior.

Slammed - You took the high road and handled the situation with class and grace. You won't regret it, no matter what happens. But I do think your WH is hitting bottom, and will remember your kindness.

I'm happy for you!!

it looks like this is the kick in the a$$ your H needed!!

he hit "rock bottem"

i give you credit for being kind to a wh*re cause if it would have been me...she'd be walking...or limping if i could get in a few kicks

if all goes well with your H...change your name to SLAMMIN!

Wait for an opportune time ... then tell it straight....

opportune time ---> after a shared meal and some warm moments with you .... then say

"I have something to tell you, are you ready?"

If he says "NO" ... tell him .... "OK ... let me know when you are ready."

if he says "YES" .... proceed....

Tell him .... slow, drawn-out breakups are much more painful than fast break ups

YOU are wanting to stand by him today IF he is willing to do a fast break up with OW

tell him about the love bank theory

tell him that when you went to pick him up from jail ... you did that knowing you were making a deposit into HIS love bank ... ask him how he felt after that love bank deposit you made....

tell him he has been making withdrawls from YOUR love bank, and that the funds are sinking lower every day

tell him if he wants to make a love bank deposit ... in YOUR bank ... "the bank of loving wife" .... the best way is to tell OW their affair is over all at once and to stick by his word and to NEVER see her again .... then tell him to think this over ...

PRESENT it as an OPPORTUNITY .... to show LOVE for his WIFE

share with him that you have been studying marriage skills and you are willing to share what you know as soon as OW is gone ... and that the longer she stays the lower your love bank becomes....

but, be sure it is an opportune time ....

I admire you so much for giving ow a ride to her car. Hind sight that was brilliant. How could she speak ill of you in consideration of your kindness to her?

It sounds as if he is self medicating with the alcohol. Many people with mental illness do that...stbx is included in that number.

You could tell him that you'll be there for him while he's sorting out his health issues but you don't have the strength to have ow hanging on too.

Surely she knows what's happening. I'm sure she's driven by your home and noticed his car there.

Christmas miracles come in strange boxes!! It sounds like WH has hit rock bottom. I agree that the alcohol use could be self-medicating. I am so glad he is finally getting some proper treatment.

I have a dear friend who is bipolar, he is a kind and wonderful man when he is medicated. His wife is his anchor. When she sees his behavior or thoughts turn askew she gets him to the doctor for blood work...its usually off. They have worked together as a team and he has been well controlled for over 7 years now.

Its a wild ride your on, put on your seat belt!

As for a tip on how to end with the OW? NC letter. He can let her down easy...its simple its not her fault...he is choosing to save his marriage.

Hi Slammed,

You know when I read you Christmas story, I thought of LM operating on his ExW OM. You just never know how things are gonna turn out. What a surprise. I hope it is his bottom Slammed. It will only be his proving himself to you that you will know, and Lord knows how long that will take.

I'm concerned knowing this is your WH 3rd DUI. It depends on how close together the Dui's are, but in many states it could mean jail time for a while. This is also going to cost him lots of bucks. I hope you are prepared for that.
I hope if he does commit to you that you will be willing to be his personal taxi too.

My D's father was in similar sitch many years ago like your H, and the minute he was in trouble with the law he was crying on my shoulder wanting me to be there, waiting for him to get out of jail, supporting him the whole way. I believed him, only to have him change back, find another OW and go back to his old ways when he was out of trouble.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but test his heart.

He may be going to counseling now due to it will show the court he has entered some kind of program to help, not necessarily because he wanted to. He's scared. To lessen the sentence possibly...etc... He has been in the sitch before, he knows what looks good to the court.

Guard your heart Slammed, I would hate to see it broken once again. Be sure. He is calling you now because he is very needy. He hasn't done anything about OW yet, and is really blowing that issue off.

Blessings,
Lady

Hi, Slammed.

Quote:
========================================
Any ideas on getting him to end it with OW quickly and not
"easing out" of it ? I think he both feels guilty and bad
about doing it, as well as maybe fearful- from my bits of
experience with her, I think she can probably be very nasty
and difficult ?
========================================

I think Pep gave you excellent advice.

I also think that you handled the situation with other woman superbly.

Just to play 'what if' for a minute; if it turns out that hubby is indeed bipolar, and it does sound likely, if he gets the right meds, and if he complies with the dosing schedule, it is entirely possible that he may 'defog' in a matter of days as opposed to weeks or months.

I don't want to give you a false sense of hope. There are a lot of 'ifs' in the paragraph above. The positive side to all this if he is bipolar, is that there are a lot of new drugs out that really outclass and outperform previously available drugs.

I think you are a real gem of a wife. I think that part of him knows just how true that is and is scared clueless that he might really lose the only firm foundation in his life. Having a firm footing in some portion of a bipolar's life is incredibly important to them, even while they may not understand why. Other woman represents instability. Generally speaking, he will find that prospect unattractive, sooner rather than later.

I would never encourage anyone here to be a doormat. I would encourage you to hold out a bit longer if you can so that he can really get a good look at the contrasts in his life.

God bless,
Gimble

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts, suggestions
and support ! I had been hoping and praying for WH to get
the "wake up call" he so desperately needed for both his
getting help with his mental issues and with ending the A,
and seemed to get both in this one very unexpected blow !
At what a cost though...

I'm not sure, in his mind, what has exactly changed or what
has brought about the turn from OW, but I had a couple of
ideas- One being that I had felt the A was already losing
some of it's momentum before this happened, and perhaps this
new situation is "accelerating" it to it's end. I'd kind of
think that this would really be a "fantasy killer" on both
sides, with the OW realizing she might not want to be with
a man who IS still married and obviously has "issues", and
WH realizing what a pitiful low he had sunk to, being out
gambling and drinking on Christmas Eve and the kind of person OW is to be out doing the same !?

The other is that my coming to pick up WH and even giving
OW a ride made a huge deposit in WH's "bank", causing him
to remember our good times, the support and love he's always
had, and makes him want the comfort, stability and love of home and his W. I also think the fact that I've been with
him, supported, and helped with his past issues, and know
and support him with his mental/emotional problems is also
much in my favor ?

Yesterday, WH had a consultation with a lawyer so was able
to find out some information about how things are going to
go, and what might happen with his legal situation. She
didn't seem to "sugar coat" anything, but did feel that his
long history of meds (possibly the wrong ones since he was
apparently mis-diagnosed 5 yrs ago), all of which have side
effects and interaction with alcohol should "play into" the
situation. One of his past DUI was dropped down to a DWAI
(lesser offense ) which received a "deferred" sentence and
is now off his records, so the lawyer feels he will be
slightly better off with this considered as a 2nd, rather
than 3rd offense, but he already knows he will have to do
community service, alcohol classes, and will definitely
lose his license for some length of time. What he is most
scared of is implications on his job, and the possiblity
of jail time (although there are other possiblities like
work-release programs or at-home monitoring, ankle bracelet,
etc.) He seemed a little better after talking to her, but
is still very quiet, somber, scared, anxious and depressed.

He wanted to come over last night, and we just ate dinner
and watched a movie (he slept part of the time). He has not
been getting much sleep, and I thought he might feel better
if he slept at our house but he indicated he'd rather go
back to his room, so I didn't push it.

Earlier in the day when we talked, he brought up OW on his own. He said he felt bad for her because she didn't know
anyone or have any friends here (moved here in Aug), that
he felt like he was "turning his back on her", that she had
been sick this week (missed work due to virus), and that he
never meant for anyone to get hurt. I tried to be VERY
careful in responding- said I could understand how he felt
but guess she must have known when she moved here that she
wouldn't know anyone. Said maybe she could get a transfer
back home (he said he didn't think she could due to job),
and that there just wasn't any way to avoid hurt, all round.
I asked what she thought was going on (wondered what he was
saying to her, as I assume they have talked some this week)
and he said it was "basically broken off". (???)
Don't know exactly what this means, what's been said, or
what she thinks, but she must realize something has changed,
since he's been with me every evening this past week and
sleeping at his room.

I said, although OW would never be on my "favorites" list,
and was not a friend to him, me or our marriage, that I
didn't wish her harm (okay, so this was a white lie) and
he said "he knew that, but if I was going to be mad at any
one, to be mad at him". I said "maybe I am mad at you, but
I do love you and think you know that, and people can get
over being mad". He said "he knew that".

I like the ideas suggested- telling him I'll stand by him
but she has to be completely out of the picture, and as
I've written this, I've also thought that I could say
something to the affect of- " getting him better has to be
the first focus and concern right now- followed by working
on our M".

Last night he asked if I'd call him this morning when I left
for work, so I did. He said he again had not slept very well
but was getting up so he could get some things done. He was
going to check on his house (is having a house renovated),
then needs to work on packing up and closing his secondary
office. (He had rented an office for his "side" business
for the past year, but it didn't really work out so he has
given up the lease and has to be out by end of year).
I earlier in the week had offered to help with it, so may
go do that after I get off today (just work this morning).

Will continue to try to be loving, supportive and helpful
(guess that's basically Plan A) while still trying to guard
my heart and not get my hopes up too much- will be going
with WH to the next therapy appt on Mon night, and his Dr
appt with the psychiatrist on Tues. where I hope they will
finally make a true diagnosis and get him started on the
right track with the correct meds.

Added note- Just talked to WH and he sounds like he is
having a very hard day- sounded shaky and pretty upset.
Asked what was bothering him today and he said the legal
stuff most of all, plus the situation with OW, and not
being able to sleep or eat making it worse. I guess part
of this is probably withdrawal from the OW, isn't it ?
Too bad this is hitting all at once, as WH is not in very
good shape to deal with it, but nothing can really do about
it. I will be with him after I get off work and will try
to give him some comfort, help, let him talk, and try to
get him to eat and get some rest.

Peachy- loved the idea of turning in OW as a hooker- she
really does look the part (especially at 330am !)

Move Forward- Couldn't help but agree that it was tempting
to "run over" OW, but guess that would have been a LB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bigger- Yes, the cop was pretty cute, but a little young,
and had on a wedding ring. I sure did like his attitude and
perception of OW, and loved his comment to her !

Hurting- Thanks for the continued prayers. I am hoping your
WH gets turned around quickly too, without so much drama.

Longhorn- Thanks for the support.

Believer- I hope you are right in that WH will remember and
value the support and love he's had, and will value it and
make the effort to do a full recovery.

Eav- Thanks for the support and name suggestion. I'd love
to be "Slammin" ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband- Thanks for the good idea on getting WH to go
with a clean break rather than trying to "ease out". I'm
going to try your suggestions.

JPH- Thanks for the support. Hard to know what "spin" OW
might try to put on things, but at least I know I've not
done anything that OW can use against me. I don't know for
sure what she thinks is happening or what's been said btwn
her and WH, but she has to know something has changed since
WH has been with me each evening this week and has been at
his rented room each night.

Confused- Thanks for the information about your friend who
is doing pretty well with handling bipolar disorder. It's
a scary condition, but at least does sound like there is a
lot of hope with it when properly treated and on the right
meds.

Lady Sheep- Thanks for your thoughts and support. I don't
know what exactly has caused the alcohol-related incidents
with WH, except that it is apparently common for people with
mental/emotinal issues to have some addictions as well, or
to use alcohol for "self-medicating". My IC was formerly
an alcohol/drug counselor and thinks is sounds like WH may
not be a true alcoholic but does definitely have some issues
with alcohol. I'm hoping the therapy and meds will help his
overall situation. Its not going to be easy though, as he
will have to face this legal battle now, with all it's
expense, hassle, and scariness !

Gimble- Thanks for your suggestions and support. I do feel
part of the reason I've "stuck with " WH this long and been
able to want to restore our marriage were because I really
believed he had issues and could be the old H I used to know. I hope the correct diagnosis, meds and therapy will
help him get back to being that person again and hope the
good memories, love, support and stability will be a big
drive in bringing him back to the M.

Thanks,
Slammed

Guess what slammed. My H used to be a drug/alcohol counselor himself. He is what is considered MICA (Mentally Ill Chemical Abuser). Had been sober 6 yrs (from what he told me..????) Episodes of bipolar/depression. He takes alot of meds. He told me when he went out, 4 1/2 months ago that he wasn't taking his meds the way he was supposed to. But now he takes the same meds, but he isn't getting better at stopping the lies, underhanded secrets...etc.... So I wonder...I don't blame everything on a lack of meds. I just won't...some of it is just plain character flaws I believe.

Your H may not be an alcoholic, but he may be an abuser of alcohol when he does drink...ei, Alcohol Abuser/Binge Drinker. The professional word for it is... an Espilon Alcoholic. An alcohol abuser can go months and not drink, but when he does he abuses it.

When your H does drink does he slam them, meaning one after the other? If so he may be a MICA also. Something for you and him to look into...okay.

Hoping the best, I know it's not easy.

Blessings,
Lady

P.S. My H just told me that a person is not usually diagnosed as Bipolar unless he is sober continuously for 1 year. Because alcoholism can mimic a mental disorder, (they can't tell if a person has a chemical imbalance if he is drinking/drugging) especially Bipolor. It is standard procedure from the American Psychiatric Assoc. This maybe why your H was never diagnosed as bipolor, but Dr's are looking at the possibility that he is. He has to show to a professional that he has had 1 yr of solid sobriety to make that proper diagnosis, otherwise they cannot diagnose him with Bipolar.

I for one am very very torn that you rescued him....

but you did...

I suggest YOU get yourself into ALANON this week....
because you need to be there...if this is your husbands THIRD DUI...

I am concerned you are going to help him get all these things..

meds
sober
support

and then he is going to pull I can't face you with all the rescueing you did...
and I need to find myself...

I think you should detach a little....
and put very very very little validity in to his words....
and even actions..

till he is is a twelve step program with a sponsor...
and you my friend are in alanon...

ARK

Don't u think your actions show u r already standing by him? Now make sure your continued stance isn't next to or for the Ws but for your H.

Btw, your H hasn't fully been in all of your post. The WS keeps trying to peak through though most of your interactions appears t/b with your H, so that's a good sign.

I think it is better to continue to provide help but don't be too helpful. As for good deeds to the OW, well.... it was highly gnerours of you to take her to her car........ I can tell you that I probably would have done the same but probably dropped her off a few blocks or miles away at another car.... oops. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Or maybe just left her at the police station.... I am just not as generous soul as you were/are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What t/d now? Let him prove to you his changes. As for him feeling sorry for the OW, that's the WS trying to regain control. Your response about still being angry with him was very good. You don't have to lessen his burden. These are the results of his choices and he needs to deal with the consquences.

Side effects of bad meds or bad diagnosis is not good but does not warrant condoning the A. You'd be surprised what some WS' do to justify the A. I am not saying your H is trying to do that but well...... just be safe and don't be suckered into taking in nothing less than the truth. If it was only because of the bad meds, then the OW will be let go a lot quicker once he gets on the good stuff.... otherwise, consider it babble.

This time w/b hard for you to exercise patience. But it ia critical time 4 u. U seem t/b doing fine.....keep it up. Just remember to NOT sell yourself short and your don't have to do all for him. Even now.

Keep that clear mind and calm heart. Make sure you undertand about the 5 stages of grieving a BS goes through.....why? Because if neglected your anger stage could kick in big time and that would definitely cause some issues for any type of M recovery.

JMHO,
L.

Dear Slammed,

What a Christmas! I am truly impressed and moved by your actions, Slammed. Like everyone else here said, I don't think I will ever be able to give OW a ride, especially after she showed such "attitude" in front of the police officer. You are a sweet, strong and wonderful person, and I almost feel that your WH does not deserve you. And I am very happy to see it seems your WH has hitten rock bottom.

I pray that his words and actions he is showing now are truthful and will last. He knows he will NEVER be able to get a woman like you. If he does not stick to his words, HE is the one who is going to lose, not you.

All I can say is that your WH is a really lucky guy to be loved by a great lady like you.

Please take care of yourself, and a happy new year!

Milk

Thanks Orchid, Milk, ArK-
It definitely has been a very "interesting" week.

Went to meet WH at his rented room after I got off work on
Sat. and found him very down, quiet and somber. He took me
to see the house he is renovating, and he did kind of perk
up a bit while showing me the completed changes and things
left to be done. We later went out to eat, then back to our
house, where we just watched tv and ate some snacks. He was
definitely not interested in anything to drink for New Yr's
Eve, didn't even want some sparkling cider we had !
When it got late, I figured he must be planning to stay the
night, although he hadn't said anything. After watching the
fireworks at midnight, I wanted to get to sleep, and asked
if he was going to stay-
He said he would like to, would just sleep on top of the bed ! (our bed, with me in it, but on top of the covers) which was a little weird ! I guess he wanted to be close
to me, but didn't feel comfortable with the "intimacy" of
sleeping in the same bed). Ended up being okay, although I
didn't sleep too well after sleeping alone for 4 months !

Sun. we ran some errands, then went to pack up and clear out
his little office. This took much of the day, then we ate
and watched some TV for the evening. He was quiet, down, and still had a hard time eating anything, but was pleasant
and very courteous - even apologized one time saying "he
was sorry if he was grouchy". He again stayed overnight.

Mon. he woke up feeling really down and said he felt like
he had to talk to OW about their "relationship". I figured
it was at least partly "withdrawal" and didn't want him to
go thinking she would probably try to use anything she could, make him feel guilty, or even try to issue him an
ultimatum, and didn't know how he could think very clearly,
or be strong in his current state. I reminded him that we
can't work on US or the M, until she is totally out of the
picture, and talked about the Love bank theory (as suggested
in earlier post by Pepperband). He said he just wanted to
get it over with, so left and said he'd be back shortly.

When he returned, he looked very drained. I asked how it had
gone, and he said he just didn't feel like talking about it
then. I tried to stay upbeat and pleasant, and we later went
out to lunch. As he began talking some about his meeting with her, I felt very discouraged, as I felt like some of
his thoughts or feelings had maybe changed- undoubtedly due
to their conversation ! He said he had realized that it
wouldn't be easy to get back together, that we couldn't just
get back together and act like nothing had happened, that
the underlying problems were still there, and then asked
what I had thought during the time we were apart. I tried
to think and take a deep breath before answering- then
talked calmly and quietly to say I agreed that it wouldn't
be easy, and no, we couldn't act like nothing had happened.
That we both agreed that some things needed to change, and
that it would take both of us to figure out what and how to
do that. That we had agreed we would need to do MC together
but not until after he had a chance to work on some of his
own issues. I wasn't sure what he meant by asking what I
"thought when we were apart", but just said I had been sad,
missed our life and being with him, had believed things
could change and be better, had still loved him and wanted
to work things out. He then said, he remembered things I had
said to him that were very negative like calling him a
"loser", "calling him unfaithful and dishonest", etc. and
that if I really thought those things were true, he didn't
know why I'd want to be with him. I then realized this had
to be the OW feeding him some of this, and also that this
was some of my old LB's coming back to "haunt me". I said
I did realize we had problems with communicating well, and
certainly did know that I had said things in anger or hurt
at times, which I had not meant and that I apologized.
I said it seemed like talking to Ow had seemed to change his
"tune", and he denied it, but I really feel like that is
what happened- and why I didn't want him to talk to her !!
The rest of the day was okay- we went to his therapy appt.
that night, and the session went well. On the way home, he
thanked me for "being there" and all I had done, so I felt
a little better, but also am leery of being his support and
help only to have him still attached with OW !

Tues morning, he had an appointment with a psychiatrist.
I felt the Dr. was very sharp, very nice. He had already
read all the notes from the therapist, reviewed the several
screening tests Wh had filled out, and looked at his long
list of meds, but said he wanted to hear from WH himself
"what was going on". WH and the Dr discussed his history,
family background, symptons, meds, etc. and his current
situation with this DUI incident bringing on severe anxiety
and depression. After quite a detailed discussion (and Dr
asking me a few questions) Dr. confirmed our suspicious and
diagnosed WH as having Bipolar disorder. I felt a great
relief and almost happiness at him finally having a true
diagnosis that made sense, as so much of what Dr said really
fit and put together a lot of "peices" in WH's behavior for
such a long time. Dr advised that Wh having had just AD's
for many years could have had the effect of either just
doing nothing for him, or could have actually pushed him in
to a "manic" episode and made him worse, also confirmed that
anxiety and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) are closely
related and definitely have been made worse with his current
depression. Dr. also felt WH was not an actual alcoholic
but did, have a form of bingeing or other alcohol issue
that needs to be addressed as well. He immediately put him
on a prescription for a "mood regulator/anti depressant"
which is supposed to help him sleep better, and start
getting his mood in better control. He suggested he start
the meds immediately (said to him "you look like crap")
and he did start that night. Initially it makes him very
tired, but after a few days is supposed to have "calming"
effect,and start to help with his mood. We are both to
return next week to see how the meds are doing, and to
determine if a dosage change is needed-

Know it will still be a long road, but I'm so glad that H
is finally getting some help. He also told Dr that we had
been seperated but were reconciling and working on things
(made me feel good), has been wearing his wedding ring
every day, and has been at our house every evening and night
since Sat.

I had my IC last night, and she felt encouraged by the
changes as well, also realizing it will be a long road for
both WH and M situation to improve. She suggested I stay
as much out of situation with WH and OW as possible, giving
it a little time to hopefully die its "final death", which
is what I was kind of doing , but it's hard. I know WH
hasn't been seeing her but believe they are still talking
some- (he's being pretty honest and open about it)

Had a thought last night- wondered if OW had actually done
the breaking off with WH -? Maybe she finally decided he had too many issues, now has a long legal battle ahead and wasn't worth the trouble ? (not to mention still has a WIFE !) Guess it doesn't really matter, but I would rather
than he decided to break it off so it was his decision.

More comments and suggestions~ and continued support
appreciated !
Slammed

three duis IS an alcohol PROBLEM as long as I and every other sober person in this country has to get behind the car...

Christmas eve to boot.....

and some doctor diagnosing him NOT an alchoholic....
and him lapping and clinging it up......
he better get himself in to a support group NOW or relinquish his license....

you better get yourself to alanon...
it will serve you just as much as the meds and diagnosis they are plying him with that will be used to rationalize and justify all his choices....

he will probably do well as the poor poor victim....and come out of this of not being able to help any of it...

ARK

Oh you are a real nice woman and I mean that - I would have only let that OW in my car if she sat on a towel and was handcuffed.
Now I want you to be real careful here -often when someone is in trouble they run to the person in their life who fixes everything ie: parent, sister/brother or spouse. Being an exS or not they need comfort and someone to make things better then after they are better they again leave the nest and go on with their lives. I am afraid for you and your good heart. I think maybe since he is still seeing OW he needs to take care of some of this on his own. Without you holding his hand and still contacting and seeing OW. Maybe it is time to set your boundries and tell him its either her or me. Break it off entirely or your on your own and let OW help you. Does that make sense? I am thinking you could be the one who ends up alone and broken hearted.

I agree with realtor, it's time to set your boundaries. Notice every time he goes to speak to OW about breaking it off, he comes back and says he just couldn't talk about it at that point blah, blah, blah. He has done that a few times. I see red flags slammed. He's on the fence again. I think it's time you recommend he NC OW or else you cannot help him as you would like to being his wife.

Lady

Dear Slammed,

You have gone through a lot the past few weeks! It seems, overall, your 2006 started out pretty well.

I do agree with realtor and ladysheep though - your H is at the lowest point right now, so he may actually FEEL the need to be with you, and he may mean that at this point. Because it does not sound like OW is the kind of person who is strong enough and kind enough to stand by him to help him out. But once he feels he is getting better, who knows? He has to break off with OW. Today is not the good day for the talk? Why not? When is the good time then?

You obviously showed your strong love and support for him, and you ARE his wife. On the other hand, OW has been a person for your WH to have fun with, that is all. He cannot keep her "just in case". If he is being so humble due to what he has done to you, the least he can do is to break off the other relationship.

Still, the fact he told the therapist you two are back together is good. I am very happy for you. You are a very nice person, and your sweetness and kindness have touched his heart. Again, if your WH ended up doing something stupid (like going back with OW again), he will lose something very big and important he would never get again, that I am sure of.

Milk

Thanks ARK, Realtor and Milk-
This has definitely been a really strange turn of events-
While I'm glad that WH has finally been motivated enough to
get an evaluation, get diagnosed, get the right meds, and
into therapy, I do feel disappointed and sad that it took
hitting such a "rock bottom" and such awful circumstances
to get him to take the steps-

I didn't really understand what caused WH to turn to me last
week, but realize that his depression, fear, anxiety and
the "shock" of the DUI situation probably caused him to
need/want the comfort and security of home and me. I was
glad about that, but also realize that it doesn't mean he will stay in this mind set, or even if he is wanting to break it off with OW, will be able to make it through the w/d and resist getting back with her-

Initially WH acted like he was wanting to break it off, and
I do believe he was sincere. He seemed to be really bothered
by their lingering contact, and expressed that he felt bad
about anyone getting hurt, about leaving OW "abandoned"
since she doesn't know anyone here, that he wanted to "ease"
out of it, or "gradually" end contact, and that if I was
going to be "mad at anyone, I should be mad at him" because
she was a decent person. (obviously he's not all the way out
of the fog !) The first time he went to talk to her was just
the next day after the DUI, and he was in a very poor mental
state, so as I'd expected, he was too stressed and exhausted
to be able to talk to her. The next time, he talked to her
for over an hour, and came back looking drained. I asked how
it had gone and he didn't want to talk about it, but still
said the same thing- that it was "basically broken up".
In our talking later that day, however, I got the feeling
that his attitude had changed a bit- he was sounding a little doubtful about being able to work things out, asked
about negative things I had said about him previously, and
I felt sure that OW had brought this on- maybe trying to
talk him into staying with her, causing him to have doubts
about the M or me, trying to convince him he just felt that
way due to the recent events. (although he denied it had any
thing to do with her or the conversation).

Since then, he has said some things making it sound like it
was a more mutual "break up". This has me wondering if she
actually broke it off with him, either because of him turning to me last week, or because she now realizes he does
have "issue", the DUI, and he's not worth all the hassle. ?
Then I remembered he said something like "she said she couldn't be in his life if he was back with me", and that
makes me wonder if she gave him an ultimatum ? Sounds more
like her breaking it off than him, or a mutual break to me.

He has not been as clingy or needy of me the past few days
and I am sure it partly just the fact that the initial shock
of the situation has worn off some and he's not as anxious
or depressed, but I also wonder if he is having doubts or
getting "back on the fence" ?

Another thing bothering me is that after staying at our house for the previous five nights, last night WH said he felt like he'd like to stay at his rented room, rather than our house. I asked "why ?", and he said "he wasn't feeling
real comfortable at our house" and that he was "still paying
for the room". I know he's said several times that he was
surprised he didn't feel comfortable at home, but I'd told
him I was sure that was normal, after him being gone for
about 4 months from our house !
He did ask if I wanted to come over and eat dinner with him,
and we had a pleasant time. I asked where we stood, or what
he saw happening with us, and he said " taking things slow
and working on things". I then asked how things stood with
OW, and he said "I already told you- it's broken off by
mutual agreement". I said I assumed they were still talking
some, and he said "a little bit" because she was concerned
about his mental state and making sure he was okay, and he
wanted to make sure she was okay too. I tried not to react
too much but said "I wasn't happy about him talking to her,
but would prefer he be honest about it than being secretive
or hiding it". When I left, he watched until I drove away
and had asked if I would call him after I got home. I did
just before bedtime- just said I had enjoyed the dinner.
Today- I called this morning to ask how he felt and was
doing. (the new medicine makes him tired and lethargic,
but is supposed to get better after a few days). We talked
about that, the weather, the dinner, and some other small
talk briefly. We don't have any plans so far for tonight
or the weekend, and I don't if I should expect we'll do
anything or not-

I would like to enforce a stronger boundary and really be
able to use this situation to my advantage, but am not sure
what to do ?
In his current state, and knowing he's going to have a long road ahead with getting adjusted to the new diagnosis and medicine, counseling, and the legal mess, he's going to need support, help and care, and I'd think that this would put some "points" in my favor. (not that I am happy about
his situation or misery - I am not taking any pleasure in
that), but I am kind of afraid that coming on too strong or
giving an ultimatum would push him right over with OW,
because he is going to need someone. I have no idea how
OW would do with being supportive or helpful, or if she
would get tired of it all quickly- so I guess if he does
go back with her there could be hope of that bringing about
a final end- ?

Any ideas or thoughts on taking advantage of the situation
while I can and building on what should have been a lot of
deposits in the love-bank in the past couple weeks ? How
to say or do more to keep the momentum going in favor of
the M ? How to put some boundaries or some type of plan
to be supportive and helpful but not get stomped on ?

Slammed

Have been much busier at work, so not as much time to read
and post, but wanted to give an update on WH ~

We spent a lot of time together on the weekend-
WH called Friday to ask if I'd like to meet him for dinner,
so we ate together and it was pleasant. We've also talked
each night, at about bedtime, which has been nice, and has
made me feel secure that he is indeed at his rented room.

Sat. he called to ask if I'd like to go with him on running
some errands and looking for fixures for the house he is
having renovated. We spent the afternoon going to several
stores and out to lunch. Got along well- talked in general,
and he was more upbeat and pleasant than in a long time.
Got concerned Sat night as I couldn't reach him when I
called at bedtime, as I'd been doing. I went to bed feeling
worried that he was possibly with OW-

Sun. he called. Before I even asked anything, he told me
had ended up going to OW's the previous evening, in order to
talk to her about what to do with his horse. (She brought
her horses when she moved here this past summer, and he had
bought a horse, which was boarded along with hers). He told
me he decided to give it to a place in an nearby town which
uses horses for therapy and under-privledged kids, and that
the OW had agreed to transport it there, since she had a
horse trailer. I asked if things had changed with her (as
far as them supposedly being "broken up", and he said NO,
that they were not seeing each other any more. I also asked
if he had stayed there overnight, and he said no.
I did feel that him deciding to get rid of the horse was a
good sign that he and OW were not staying together, but
didn't feel very comfortable about him going there, and me
not being able to reach him at bedtime.
We spent the rest of the day together going to lunch, more
shopping for light fixture, to the mall, doing some gift
exchanges, etc. WH took me to dinner at one of my favorite
Mexican places, then asked if I'd like to hot tub at his
place (the club where he has a rented room). Overall- a
nice day. I am trying to not ask too much, to observe rather
than react, and to put lots of deposits in the old bank !!

WH and I have talked a couple times each day this week, and
have seen each other each evening. Mon. night was his
counseling session (notes below), Tues night he went to a
class but came over to eat afterwards, and last night he
asked me for dinner before he went to play volleyball on an
office team-

WH has had another appt with his counselor. She asked
that I come too, and it was a really good session, with WH
talking about the lack of communication in his family as he
grew up, the obsessive-compulsive traits he has which are so
similiar to those of his Mother, him feeling like he is very
lacking in emotional and spiritual development, and how he
does not "process" feelings or emotions very well. Although
we are there for his "issues", his counselor is also a
family and marriage therapist, and seems to be pro-marriage
which I am happy about. She mentioned that working on his
issues would help us develop "the marriage of our dreams",
which made me feel very supported too.

WH also had another appt with his psychiatrist yesterday.
WH reported that he has been able to quit the constant
worrying and dwelling on negative thoughts, was feeling
more energized and better able to work, and was overall
feeling better than he's felt in years- all after just one
week of his new meds. (for bipolar disorder) The Dr was
very pleased, felt he is on the right medicine, and did
increase his dose as WH still has some trouble with sleep.
He'll go back for another check in 2 weeks-

WH still has not gotten results back from the blood test
he did when stopped for "suspected" DUI, so no charges
other than "suspicion" have been made. He did get a lawyer
so hopes to get some information soon.

I am feeling hopeful, as WH does not appear to be seeing
OW (other than visit about horse), and is spending lots of
time with me. He's also been wearing his wedding ring and
opened a new joint bank account for us at his work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am continuing to try to take it "a day at a time" and do
have my guard up, realizing things could change yet again.
Thanks for the continued support, prayers, and suggestions -
I really appreciate feedback.
Slammed

It seems like you are so well grounded ... just be cautious you don't become too mothering. My only word of advice right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

ok good news but guard your heart. He is in the honey moon period and will be in it for a couple of months at least.

Thanks Pepperband and Realtor-
SO hard to keep from getting hopes up when things start
going better, and I think I'm wanting too much, too soon,
as far as progress-

I do feel like things have changed for the better, but have
a nagging question about what has made things change ?
If he hadn't gotten stopped for the DUI in the middle of
the night on Christmas, I assume he would have gone home with OW, had a lovely holiday with her, and things would
still be as they had been... but instead, he called me
needing a ride, had a scary plunge into depression and
anxiety and things starting changing quickly...

The first week, WH was not in a good mental state at all-
couldn't sleep, barely ate, cried off and on, and seemed
really unstable. He started calling and got appointments
with lawyers, counselors and his Dr, of his own accord.
He called me frequently- just needing some reassurance and
comfort (I guess), asked me to go to his appointments, and
basically seemed to just "blow off" the OW. He was kind,
polite, apologetic and appreciative of me, and seemed to
have come quickly out of the fog and into clear thinking,
so I hoped this had caused him to see what he had been
doing, what kind of person OW was, and to give him the
incentive to get himself of that situation.

Now, a couple weeks later, I am extremely glad that he took
the steps to get help. I am so glad that he finally seems to
be with a Dr who knows what he's doing and was able to
definitively diagnosis him and get him on the correct meds.
I'm glad he's got a counselor who seems very good, and who
he seems to like and be responsive to- and it's wonderful
to see how much improvement there has been in his mood,
attitude and whole personality in just a short time-
but I still wonder what brought about the change with he
and OW, and what the real situation is with them now ?

I know that they ended up having a lousy Christmas, because
WH was totally freaked out,down, and anxious. He said he
wasn't able to eat, didn't want to open gifts, and just
went to bed early. I would assume this would have been a
little scary to OW, seeing WH like this, and might have
made her question if she wanted to be with someone who
obviously had issues (besides just getting a DUI for the
3rd time !) The next day, WH spent a lot of time with me,
and told me he was going to OW's house to talk to her about
their relationship because he wanted to "ease out of it".

The rest of that week, WH was calling me constantly, asked
me to go to his appointments with him, wore his ring, told
me he was sorry he had hurt me, seemed to be very "clear"
thinking and out of the "fog". Other than the hours we
were both at work, we spent all the rest of the time together, although he still went back to his rented room
to sleep at night. During this time, I know OW was still
calling him, as she sometimes called while he was with me.
Their conversations were short, and he told me she was
calling to make sure he was okay. (due to his mental state).

A few days later, he brought some of his things, and stayed
at our house for four nights. We didn't discuss it alot-
I felt good to have him there and know he was okay, and I
assumed he wanted to be there for some comfort while he was
having such a difficult time. I don't think he let OW know
this however, and their continuing to talk really started
to bother me. I tried to approach this carefully with WH,
letting him know I wanted to be with him, support and help
him while he was having such a hard time, but needed OW to
be totally out of the picture.

After four days, WH went back to staying at his rented room,
saying he was not feeling "comfortable" being back at our
house. I was worried this was an excuse that he wanted to
be able to more easily talk to OW or see her again, and
was fearful he'd no longer want to do things together and
we'd go back to the way we were previously-
Tried to tell him I thought it was normal for him to feel a
little strange being back at home, after being gone for 4
months, and would take more than 4 days to get used to- !

Now, it's been two weeks. We have still talked a couple
times during each day ( short conversation, seeing if he's
doing okay) and we did something together every night last
week. I went to his counseling session and Dr. appt, and
those went well. He was wearing his wedding ring.
All that has made me feel hopeful.

Yesterday, however, after spending the afternoon together,
he went back to his room to rest awhile. He called me later
and said he was going up to Ow's house to get the rest of
his things. Said it wouldn't take him too long, so I asked
if he'd like to come over afterwards to watch a football
game and eat dinner. He said he might. Well, I didn't
hear anything from him the rest of the night, and he wasn't
at his room when I called at bedtime, so I assumed, just as
last weekend, that he stayed at OW's house again.

This morning, he called, sounding "cheerful" and saying he
would come over to clean his car, then watch a football game. I tried to not make a big deal of it, but asked what
he had ended up doing last night, since I couldn't reach him. At first, he said he didn't stay at OW's for long, but
later did admit he watched the game there, and stayed the
night "because he didn't want to drive all the way back home". (it is quite a drive) I told him, "WH, you keep
telling me that you've broken up, but you still talk often
and you stayed overnight at her house, and that doesn't
sound like breaking up to me". He insists that they are
still broken up, and it's "not like that", but this just
isn't settling well with me-
Dropped it for awhile, but when he got ready to leave for
his room, we got into an argument. For my part, I just want
him to be honest and I want to know what's really going on
with he and OW. I want to know if he's plannin to work on
our M or not. I want him to get completely done with OW
so we can start to make some progress and have made that
very clear to him. I'm also trying not to push too hard
or too fast, knowing he's adjusting to new medicine, just
started counseling, and has the legal situation to face,
but sometimes it just gets so tiring with everything always
being about HIM !!
I asked if he had thought about moving back home. He said
he didn't want to and I asked if it was because he was still
hoping to get back with OW ? He said it had nothing to do
with that, just that he wasn't comfortable here, and that
when the house he is renovating was finished in a couple
of weeks, he would move in there. He also sounded less
sure about working things out, more back into the "I'm
not sure if I want to be married" attitude, which is what
he used to say,
I asked "how are we supposed to work on our marriage, if
we aren't together ?" (he had no comment on this)
I felt very upset when he left, assuming his seeming to have
changed his "tune" was the result of seeing OW last night,
and that things with her are probably not as "broken up" as
he wants me to think ? Can't figure out though, what is
going on, since he's been spending each weeknight,and the
weekends with me (other than Sat night), we are talking
often, and WH seems at least somewhat more open and interested in working on thinsg ????

My IC had suggested that I try to be supportive and caring
while not "mothering" or being TOO helpful, and that I let
things "alone" as far as OW, as her opinion was that their
A was on the way out, and to let it die on it's own.
I've been trying to do that, but it's so hard to not get
my hopes up, go back and forth with WH's moods, and not
know exactly what's happening !

Is it a bad sign that WH doesn't want to move home ?
Any thoughts on what is going on with OW ?
Think I should be somewhat "backed off" but try to Plan A
when we do spend time together so I can try to show WH that
I have changed, things can change, we still have fun, get
along, etc.?
Should I not comment or ask anything about OW for now but
sit back and observe ?
Thanks for any thoughts and suggestions
Slammed

Slammed,

I had a feeling he was going to do that to you. He is just like my ex. He has not broken off with OW, and is still lying to you. No IC would agree with you supporting him while he is spending the night at another womans home, and either would I. That is uncalled for, and you are being used by him. I am not happy with him. Protect.

{{{{{{{{{{{Slammed}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lady

Thanks Lady,
I really am feeling down and suspicious about this right
now, although I just don't get it- if they didn't break
up, then why is he spending all his time with me, and if
they did, why still talk and spend time over at her house ?
Doesn't make sense to me-

I feel stupid that I thought WH would just come running
home to me, anxious to work on the M, and I probably have
asked for too much, too soon, when I know that we can't
get anywhere until it's all over with OW.

Some of the signs just made me feel so hopeful- and it
really did seem like he wanted to break it off. Could it be
that the lure of OW is just too much ? ( can't imagine what
the lure is after seeing her- yuck !)

Don't know what to do now ?

Slammed

I know and I understand what you are facing again Slammed.

I used to do the same thing with my ex. He would get in trouble want me around until he felt better, and not so afraid. And then off he would go with another woman.

Your WH knows it's not right to be sleeping over night with OW being married. He knows that hurts you. Even after all you have done. He never intended to break it off with her totally since Christmas.

Could you imagine spending the night at another mans house
and not doing anything?

I think it's time for Plan B for you Slammed. Stop all visits to his Dr's while he has not broken it off with OW.
Call his IC and Dr., and tell her/him why you will not be coming, exposure to IC. You would love to be supportive of him because he is your H, but not while he is seeing OW.
I'm sure they will understand.

Lady

bump

Thanks, Lady for your support and suggestions.
I was considering Plan B before all this happened, and
frankly held off because my IC suggested it might backfire
due to WH's emotional/mental issues. I was doing what might
be considered more of a "180" plan, or "semi" Plan B.

I really hoped and wanted to believe that this "wake up
call" and the subsequent depression and anxiety that WH
suffered was him finally hitting rock bottom, and truly
think it did cause him to take a look at himself and not
like what he saw, but now I'm wondering if he's past the
initial "shock" of it all, feeling a bit better, and the
addiction to OW is kicking back in... ??

I've really "racked" my brains trying to figure out what
might be going on with he and OW. Doesn't make sense to me
either way- if they did break up, why still talk and why
spend the evening/night there last night ? But, if they
are still together, why he is now talking to me, saying he
wants to work on things, wearing his ring, and spending every night with me ??? Neither makes sense to me..

After WH left this afternoon, he called and said he was sorry that we had "fussed" but that he just didn't feel like talking, and got very frustrated that I wouldn't just
leave "things be". I said I was not trying to make him mad
or frustrated, but wanted us to be honest and open and that
I wanted to know what was going on with he and OW, as well
as what was going on with "us". He said nothing had changed-
that he did want to work on things but needed to take it
slow as he had a lot of things to sort out, and that he
felt like he couldn't just "jump" right back into the marriage because we needed to get to the bottom of some of
the reasons he was unhappy and left. Said I thought he now
knew that part of the reasons for his unhappiness had to
do with his bipolar disorder. He agree, but said he didn't
think that was all there was to it, and couldn't act like
nothing had happened. I agreed- have said all along that I
believed we could have a "fresh start" but would need to
BOTH make changes. He seems to think that I believe it will
be easy, when I haven't said or thought so, have just said
I believed people and things could change, and that I was
willing to do so. Did feel bad that he said he felt like I
hadn't changed at all as far as trying to get him to talk
when he didn't want to, or that I dwelled on things too much
as I have really tried to work on those issues, and it made
me feel like I did some LB after I've really been trying to
show some changes !
WH asked if I wanted to meet for dinner, then go to his
place to go in the hot tub, and it went okay, but now that
I am feeling really guarded, it was more strained than our
time together has been lately. Back at his room afterwards,
we watched TV for a short time, and things seemed to improve
but he got really tired quickly (side effect of his new
meds) and I left to come home.

I have IC later this week, so will discuss and see what IC
thinks (she is familiar with MB principles) but I know that
I am now going to have my guard up much higher and have to
keep from thinking things have changed unless/until I know
it's really over with OW. I guess only time will tell with
that...

Slammed

Slammed,

You sound so much like me ..... Only time will tell.

I am keeping you in my prayers that your WH comes around and does the right thing. You have been there for him and you should be proud.

Maybe your IC and give you some good advice on your next step. I wish you well and hope things turn out like you want...


Hurting

Thanks, Hurting.
I am so hoping that having hit "rock bottom", his finally getting help with a psychiatrist and counselor, and being
on the right medication would really help WH get turned
around and on the path home.. but only time will tell.

I feel like I've done my best to be supportive and caring,
let him know clearly how I feel, and show the path home,
and I guess there's not much more I can really do, since it
has to be him that elects whether or not to take that road.
Just wish I could put some "blinders" and a harness on him
and get him down that road without distractions ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess there's nothing I can do that will keep WH and OW
from getting back together but I am hoping that some of the
good signs are indications he has at least moments out of
the fog. Obviously, still he still talks to OW and saw her
on the weekend (supposedly to get the rest of his stuff from
her house, but don't know if that was true ) he's not all
the way out !

I'm sure hoping that his better mood and attitude and the
nice times we've had together will influence him, but still
seems like he has some anger and resentment towards me, and
is looking for reasons to think we can't work out. That
definitely seems to be the influence of the FOG and OW, I'd
think.

This morning I called WH to see how he was doing (have been
checking on him once per morning and afternoon since him
having the severe bout of depression/anxiety and getting on
new medicine) and to ask if he got any better sleep. Was
pleasant, and joked with him about his being off work today
(I had to work). He asked if I'd like to have lunch today.
This is where I'm always torn- decline, and push the issue
that he must end all contact with OW before we can do
anything, or go, and take the opportunity to show things in
the best possible light (Plan A or B ?)

Still feel clueless about what is really going on with he
and OW. He says they have "broken it off" and are no longer
"dating", but I do know that they still talk on the phone
"as friends" (gag me). He made it sound like he broke things
off originally, but then later it sounded like it was more
mutual, and I've wondered if it actually was her breaking
off, even maybe putting a "Plan B" or ultimatum on him ?

There does seem to have been some kind of change between them because I wasn't seeing or hearing from WH much at all
and now we talk a couple times a day, plus at bedtime, and
have done something together every day for the past three
weeks- ?

I have been fearful and my IC had previously suggested that
a true Plan B might backfire due to Wh's mental/emotional
health issues, but I'd sure like to hear what the Harleys
would suggest in this situation ! My IC had suggested more
of a "180" plan where I do some things with WH, am open to
working things out but not overly anxious, showed that I
was moving on with my own plans and life, and that's what
I have been trying to do.

I know with his just getting adjusted on meds, doing the
counseling, having a legal situation to face, that WH is
going to need me (or someone) and I'm a little fearful that
cutting him off onto Plan B might push him right to OW, who
sounded like she had every intention to keeping " her hooks
in him" when I saw her at Christmas.

Should I give this some time and see what happens with OW
while trying to take every oppotunity to "shine" and hope
that WH sees we have great potential, still have fun, still
get along, etc. ?
Thoughts and suggestions appreciated-
Slammed

why not call the harleys and ask your question?

I think you already *shined*

time to allow your H to experience life without your *light*

Been short on time, but wanted to update before I lost my
thread...

Things have been going okay-
WH had Dr.(psychiatrist) visit about two weeks ago and Dr.
was very pleased with his progress on the new meds.
I agreed with WH told Dr his mood was greatly improved- I
have felt like his whole mood, attitude, personality and
even manners were better just in a week. WH even told Dr he felt better than he had felt in YEARS !! As WH's sleep
patterns still aren't good (apparently a common happening
for bipolar disorder) they did increase his meds dosage to
see if that would help.

Wh's IC session, two weeks ago, also went well. (She is
having me come initially, which is fine with WH). I am
pleased and impressed with the way she really puts things
together and is "right to the point". She has already made
good strides in helping WH see the patterns from his family
that he repeats (poor communication, OCD, poor skill set for
dealing with emotions, lack of spirituality, etc). and the
relationship with those things and many of WH's issues, and
relationships now-
Was supposed to have another session last week, but was
cancelled due to bad weather and is rescheduled for tonight.

I also had a session with my IC last week. She feels WH is
making some positive changes, although reminds me it is
going to be a slow process and that I'm going to need to
continue to take it a "day at a time", with lots of patience
high hopes, and low expectations. She reminded me that he has a whole lot to deal with, process, and adjust to right now- like adjusting to his new diagnosis and new meds, getting into counseling, and dealing with the legal mess over his DUI, and it's going to take a lot of time.

My IC does feel like there are some positive signs towards
recovery. She reminded me that it is normal to have some
steps forward, and a few backwards at times, and to not take
things as "all or nothing" whether positive or negative.
I feel like I am okay with baby steps and slow movement,
as long as we are moving... but it's tough when it's been
such a long, drawn out situation, and I just want to "get
things going". WH has said he feels like we are making some
progress-

I am frustrated that WH still has some contact with OW (by
phone) since I just want a permanent, complete and total
break with her and no contact at all. WH knows this, and
has even agreed that we can't really get anywhere, or work
on our M at all, until she is completely out of the picture.
He seems to be having a tough time making the final break,
and I think part of that is him feeling some guilt and
responsibility because she moved here from out of state and
doesn't know anyone else. (as you can imagine, I am not
sympathetic to this, my suggestion is for her to move right
back home where she came from, or MARS for all I care !!)
IC has encouraged me to try to have some patience with this,
remembering that this fits right in with his OCD (obsessive
compulsive disorder and associated addictive behaviors) and
is going to be a tough thing for him to do- She feels that
I am continuing to show "the way home" and that he is going
to make his way there, slowly.
I would love to consult the Harleys for their view on this,
however can't afford it since insurance won't help...

On the positive side-
WH did get rid of his horse (she moved here with her horses
so he bought one too which was boarded at her house), he
got all his things from her house, and returned her garage
door opener.
WH has been wearing his wedding ring for the past few weeks.
WH has been much more considerate and thoughtful towards me
such as shoveling snow on the weekend,taking out the trash,
and taking me to some restaurants he knows I like.

We have been doing things together each evening and on the
weekends- things like running errands, meeting for dinner,
eating dinner at our house and watching TV, going to the
hot tub at his place, walking the dog, etc. and for the
most part our time together has been really pleasant.

Thanks for the continued support and suggestions.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Sounds like you two are slowly walking towards reconciliation, and I am glad your husband's mood and attitude have improved.

Like your IC suggested, take it slow, continue to have hope but maintain low expectations. Keep up a good work!

Milk