Wasn't able to retrieve my old post, so I'm starting a new one to update on the events of the past week-
Thanks to the many here who have been following my story and
providing support, thoughts and prayers. To those who have
not, the history is in condensed form at the bottom of the
post.

Update-
Although I hoped that WH would decide to spend some time
together for Christmas- I wasn't counting on it, so made
plans last week for activities with friends and family.
I had asked WH to get together a couple of times, but he
didn't show much interest, so I quit asking, and went to
a real "180" type plan, where I didn't call, didn't ask
anything, continued with my activities, and went about my
holiday plans without him. Although I had no idea if he'd
even notice or it'd have any effect, it at least made me
feel like I had a little more control and I felt more at
peace with things most of the week.
WH called every day. Took some good "acting" and really
going against my natural instincts, but I didn't ask much
about anything WH was doing, didn't ask him to do anything,
let him know I had been going about with my baking, gifts,
decorating, and "our" traditions- without him !

Had debated about getting a gift for WH or not as I felt it
likely he was going to give me something. Earlier in the
month I had told him I had a short, easy gift list of just
two items- 1) End it with OW 2) Get an appointment for
counseling (for his issues) but I didn't expect this would
happen. I decided to get him just a small gift, so had it
under the tree.

Last Friday, WH called me during the day to say he had been
at our house. He had dropped off his receipts, picked up his
mail,visited the dog, etc. I asked if he had seen that the
gifts from his parents were under the tree, and he said he
"hadn't been in that room". I felt bad, knowing that he had
probably come and done this on Friday because he would be
busy the rest of the weekend with OW. Went home and found
the receipts and all as expected but he had also put gifts
for our dog and me under the tree, so did "go in that room"
after all. He had not taken his gifts, from either me or his
parents. (?)

Went about with my plans on Fri night and Saturday, even
though I felt very sad and lonely to be spending the first
Christmas without WH after 11 years together. Talked to a
friend on Christmas Eve and went to bed. Was awakened about
210am with a phone call. Didn't recognize the number, so
I didn't answer, but the person called back two more times
so I finally answered- it was WH. He was calling to ask me
for a ride, as he had been stopped and cited for DUI !!
He was very apologetic, embarassed, and sounded extremely
upset, just didn't have anyone else to call (OW was with
him !:( Asked what he had beeen doing, out on Christmas
Eve, and he said he had been up at a nearby mountain town, (gambling area) which is about 40 miles away. The officer then got on the phone,(very nice) and explained that normally they would have "booked" and kept WH until a judge was available, but due to Christmas was going to allow him to be released and would also not impound the vehicle if I would come and get him. I wasn't sure what to do, but knew that Wh didn't have anyone else to call, and I decided I would not feel right if I didn't help him. SO, I dressed, had to get gas, and drove to the "holding center" which took
about an hour. When I got there, OW was sitting in a waiting
room (looked just as "skanky" as the previous time I've seen
her) and said "Hi, I'm OW". (She didn't know that I had
previously seen her). She said that WH was very upset and
horrified about the situation, to which I said "yes, I'm
sure he is, because he's been through this before and knows
it's going to be a long, drawn-out issue with big expense,
taking classes, doing community service, losing his license,
etc>". OW looked at me strangely and said "But he told me
this has never happened before". And I said "that is not
true- Wh has had two previous DUI".
About that time, the officer came out, and had me sign the
paperwork to pick up WH. OW went in the bathroom quickly,
so the officer asked me if she was ok. I said, I didn't
know. He said he thought it was very nice of me to come out
in the middle of the night on Christmas to pick up WH, and
that it appeared to be an "awkward" situation. I said "yes,
it was- this was my H and his "girlfriend". He said he had
figured that out. He said that OW's car was apparently
parked down the road in the next town and was I willing to
give her a ride there, where she was going to get a cab to
take her home ? (cab does not run to the place we were).
I said I guess I could. OW then came out of the bathroom-
looked very disheveled and had a sour look on her face.
The officer asked if she was okay and she said yes. He then
asked if she was going to have a problem or start a problem
if I gave her a ride to her car. She said "she guessed not".
Officer said- "not good enough answer". She said "well,
she didn't think so" (with attitude) and he told her "she
could walk her a** home as far as he was concerned so she
better lose the attitude" (I liked him). We then walked
outside where WH was standing, and got in the car. Stopped
at WH's car so he could get his phone and coat, and while
he was out of my car, OW said to me "You don't know me,
and don't know anything about me, so shouldn't be judging
me". I said "No, I don't know much about you, but know
enough to realize you apparently are a person who doesn't
mind having an affair with a married man". (said calmly)
OW said "She realized it must be awfully difficult to be
going through a divorce". I said "I wouldn't know, OW".
She then said " You don't understand- I love WH". I said
"Well, OW, I told you when you first called me that I loved
my H and was doing all I could to save our marriage, and I
still do".
WH then came and got in the car, so that was the end of my
conversation with OW. I dropped OW at her car (she said
"thanks") and Wh and I left. WH was freezing, so was shaking
and shivering, as well as very upset. He sobbed much of the
way and kept saying "he couldn't believe it", that he had
"ruined Christmas", and that "it was funny how God could
remind you of things". I tried to be somewhat comforting
and mostly just let him be-
I asked him if he wanted to come to our house, but he said
he'd rather just be by himself, so dropped him at his rented
room. Felt bad for him, sad about the whole situation, but
"numb" enough that I came home and got a little sleep.

Went ahead with my holiday plans with family but felt for
WH and thought of him and how he must feel. Later in the day
he called. Had gotten a ride to pick up his vehicle and he
was very quiet and definitely upset. I asked what he was
going up there on Christmas Eve and what happened. He said
the whole thing had been stupid- that he and OW had gone up
to the gambling town "just for something to do", he had
a few drinks, but didn't feel impaired at all, and then
had been stopped in the little town, with the officer saying
he had weaved in his lane. Because it was very cold, they
did not have him do any sobriety tests, but he did do a
blood test (don't have results yet) based on their suspicion
of his being impaired. He thanked me profusely for coming to
pick him up and also for giving OW the ride to her car, said
it had really meant a lot.
I asked "are you happy with OW ?" Wh said "not really".
He then said he just couldn't believe this had happened,
what a horrible Christmas it was, and said he was just going
back to his room. He sounded like he might have wanted to
stop by the house, but my parents were there, and I don't
think he could deal with seeing anyone.

Monday, the OW called, but I didn't answer the phone.(saw
her on the Caller ID). I don't know if she was calling to
again "defend" herself, tell me how much she "loves" WH,
or was going to say thanks for the ride, but I didn't feel
I had anything to say her her. Later WH called. He was out
of the "shock" mode and pretty much freaking out. He asked
if okay to come over so he could get his old legal paper-
work out. He came later and really looked bad-probably as
depressed as I've ever seen him, pacing, crying off and on,
and exhausted. I sat with him, talked some, just listened,
and held him when he sobbed. He finally layed down for a
little while. Said he knew he had to get help, was so sick
of his life going "this way", and had never felt so bad.
It was hard to say anything I thought would be helpful or
positive, but I did say "God has a way of giving you a wake
up call when you need it, and maybe this is yours". He
agreed. He then really surprised me by asking me to tell him
more about bipolar disorder (have suspected this is his
problem, but he has not wanted to discuss, be evaluated or
do counseling). I told him what I knew- very carefully
worded. Shortly after, he left to head back to his room.
I went outside to pick up some branches in the yard and
he called awhile later- said he was going to OWs house to
talk to her. I said "about the DUI?" and he said "NO, about
their relationship". I asked "what about it ?", and he said
"he wanted to end it". I asked "how was he going to do that"
and he said he would "ease" out of it. I said" I could understand wanting to do it that way because it's not going
to be very easy, but that it might just be better to do it
quick and clean, all at once". He said he would talk to me
the following day.

Tues- Wh called me first thing after I got to work. He had
gotten out the list of counselor I gave him months ago (I
was surprised he had kept it), and was already calling to
try to get an appointment. He was also doing some looking
in the internet for DUI info and lawyers. Said he had not
hardly slept and couldn't eat- his depression and anxiety
were so bad. I offered what few suggestions I could make
and asked if anything I could do for him. He said it just
helped that I "was there". Heard from him several times
through the day- he was frustrated in not immediately having
luck in getting an appointment with a psychiatrist. Had left
some messages, had a couple not accepting new patients,
had a couple bad numbers. Later he called and asked if I'd
want to eat with him and then go to the hot tub at his club
where he is staying ? We went- and although he was pretty
quiet and subdued due to his mood, it was a nice dinner,
fun to hot tub with him and then just hang out in his room
for a little while. He had gotten an appointment the next
morning with a psych., had made one for our regular Dr,
and had set up consultations with two lawyers.
He asked if I thought he was an alcoholic ? I said, I didn't
know, but it seemed like he did have some kind of alcohol
"issues". (He goes months without drinking at all, and never
even touched our fully stocked bar at home). Talked about the fact that alcoholism is considered to be somewhat
hereditary and he has alcoholism in his family too.
I carefully asked how it had gone with OW when they talked ?
He said they had talked some- but he had been too tired and
stressed to say much. (was afraid this might happen)

Wed. WH called in the morning after the first of his Dr.
appointments. He was disappointed, as this Dr had told him
he is only "part time", and does prescribing only, no type
of counseling or therapy. He gave WH a couple of RX and
told him to call back in 30 days, so not very helpful.
WH asked if I would come with him to his medical Dr. appt
in the afternoon. Met him there, and saw our regular Dr.
who looked over WH's list of meds and agreed he really does
need some help. He had WH take a test for anxiety and also
depression. He scored "borderline" on anxiety and very high
on depression. Dr. said notes in his records indicate that
another Dr has previously suspected Wh is bipolar. He then suggested he wait until he see the psych. later to see what she would suggest on meds. Went to eat and back to our house afterwards, where WH rested until we went to the next appointment. On the way there, WH told me "I am sorry I
hurt you"- amazing what a big trauma will do !!

Met next with a psychologist/therapist. She was very nice,
and in just that first session, I felt she really "hit the
nail on the head" with several of Wh's issues. (needing
attention, not having a good model for communication while
growing up, etc.). She also said she was already thinking
that the description of his feelings, the tests he took,
his behavior, etc. sounded very much like bipolar disorder
and that it also sounded like WH had been misdiagnosed and
on the wrong medicines for the past five years, which could
actually have made him worse. She suggested he needed to
get on the correct meds right away, and helped get an
appt. with one of the Dr at her office, who WH is to see
next week.
Throughout the appt. Wh was very honest, open, and talked
about both his issues, the DUI , and our situation. He
is scheduled to go back next week, and the therapist has
asked that I come then too. The therapist also told WH
that when you are having a crisis, the great anxiety, the
depression, and feel like you are sinking fast, you just
need one "stable" thing to anchor on and hold onto to and
that in the case of WH, that anchor was ME. He agreed and
said I had always been there for him- he also had been
holding my hand tightly throughout all the appointments and
much of the day, and was wearing his wedding ring all day !

Came back to our house and WH stayed for awhile- ate, just watched some tv, and played with the dog before he headed
back to his rented room for the night. Talked to him later
there to make sure he was okay- and he thanked me for being
there for him and going with him.

Yesterday, WH called me several times during the day, just
needing some reassurance. Asked what he would like to do
during the evening and he asked if okay for him to come over
after work and eat, hang out at the house. We ate and
watched a movie. Although I am hesitant to push too much or
ask too much about OW due to his poor mental state right now
I did ask what was happening with that situation and if he
was still planning to end it. He said yes, just not very
easy, he hated to hurt anyone, and he felt sorry for OW since she just moved here and knows no one. I said that's true, but I guess she knew that when she moved here, and perhaps she would have the option to move back home. (I
would SO love that !!) As with several others here, sounds
like WH thinks it is easier to break things off when done
"gradually" than just a clean, final break <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Today, I've talked to WH a few times to make sure he's doing
okay. He's not been sleeping well and has trouble eating so
is just exhausted, but he did talk to an attorney this
afternoon and was feeling a little more encouraged. I didn't
know whether he would be wanting to do anything together or
not, but he said he thought he'd like to come over to the
house, so I guess he must be finding some comfort in just
being able to eat something, and relax with his own things,
the dog, and me. I don't know what he is telling OW !!
(but he's not been with her all this week)

Although I feel very sad and bad for his situation, it seems
like this is the big "wake up" that it had to take to get
Wh to finally seek help with his mental/emotional issues
and to (hopefully) again value our M. I am so encouraged
that he is finally going to get the help he needs with all
his issues, and hopefully is going to be correctly diagnosed and put on the proper course of treatment.

It's also so nice to have him apologize, being loving, being
in need of me, and being with him, but I realize much of it right now is probably the trauma of the whole thing, and I'm hoping that his saying he's going to end it with OW is not just a passing thing while he feels so down. The legal issues, and ramifications of the DUI are going to be quite some time to resolve, so WH probably realizes he's going to need some help and support for a long time to come.

Any ideas on getting him to end it with OW quickly and not
"easing out" of it ? I think he both feels guilty and bad
about doing it, as well as maybe fearful- from my bits of
experience with her, I think she can probably be very nasty
and difficult ?

I feel like I've made huge deposits in his lovebank this
week with all that's been going on, so should I now go to
a great "Plan A" and continue with as much support, love
and kindness as possible ?

Whew, what an exhausting week !!
Slammed



BS- me, 42 WH- 39 Married 7 years, together 10 years
No kids (WH has two daughters from previous R)
2000- H diagnosed with depression, OCD, started on one of
many anti-depressants he has been on without much response.
2001- WH has brief internet "flirtation" (one month)followed
by EA with older, recently widowed woman (approx 6 mos).
I moved out for one month, went to Plan B.
H asked for us to get back together, recovery begun.
2002-2004 Mostly good years
2005- WH spends lots of time on internet, spending money on
??, dishonest, being secretive, disappears for hours, and
makes no effort on M. Takes several questionable "business
trips". Demands we file D paperwork, then takes it and does
nothing with it for months.
8/05- WH moves out of house, still denies A.
10/18/05- OW calls me with graphic details of the A- they
met on internet, she just moved here, and Wh has been living
with her since he moved out. WH told her we were divorcing.
After exposure, OW kicked WH out of her house, and he moved
to room by himself, but after "breakup" of about 10 days,
they are still seeing each other.

She is an idiot...and you are a far better woman than I...

Had I been at the police station and the officer asked me to get her a ride home...I'd say...Heck NO officer! She is a working girl? Prostitution IS ILLEGAL IN THIS STATE ISN'T IT? SHE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THIS MAN RIGHT HERE! Book her Danno!

I am so sorry for your pain. And yes, WH is hitting rock bottom. Drunk, cheating and arrested with affair partner on Christmas eve. What judge wouldn't love to contemplate child custody with a man like this! It would be so not fair! You'd be fine if this man never straightens up btw.

But I think if he gets on proper meds, and can control his depression and other mental issues, you can then begin to get a grip on this recovery.

He needs to cut off OW fast and quickly. Surgical strike is what the military call it. Cold turkey...

And it is ironic...but my xh also has trouble with gambling and gets angry w/alcohol.

Think imho, it has something to do with the endorphin/serotonin levels in brain. And the whole affair persona..they were basically WS' waiting to happen,

Wow. What a ride that was. I really liked the cop, too. I can not imagine you having to drive her anywhere- maybe drive over her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Sorry that wasn't nice.

I think you handled yourself very well.

I hope your husband will continue in treatment. Maybe the therepist will encourage him to make a clean break from OW.

I really hope the best for you.

Was the cop cute? Have a ring? If not give him a call and thank him. Who knows; might meet someone who deserves you.

Slammed,

You have been through a very strange week for sure.

Sure sounds like WH is hitting bottom. I hate to say it but I hope he is because there is nowhere to go but up.

You definatley are better than me because I would have never given that woman a ride anywhere. God will bless you for your selfless act.

I will keep you and your WH in my prayers.....

Its going to be a long hard road but I think your up to it just by the way you handled all of this .....


Hurting

You're so much better a person than I am. Had it been me and a WW and her toy called, they'd have spent the whole weekend contemplating their misdeeds behind those cold, iron bars.

My hat's off to you. I really hope this signals a turnaround in your husband's behavior.

Slammed - You took the high road and handled the situation with class and grace. You won't regret it, no matter what happens. But I do think your WH is hitting bottom, and will remember your kindness.

I'm happy for you!!

it looks like this is the kick in the a$$ your H needed!!

he hit "rock bottem"

i give you credit for being kind to a wh*re cause if it would have been me...she'd be walking...or limping if i could get in a few kicks

if all goes well with your H...change your name to SLAMMIN!

Wait for an opportune time ... then tell it straight....

opportune time ---> after a shared meal and some warm moments with you .... then say

"I have something to tell you, are you ready?"

If he says "NO" ... tell him .... "OK ... let me know when you are ready."

if he says "YES" .... proceed....

Tell him .... slow, drawn-out breakups are much more painful than fast break ups

YOU are wanting to stand by him today IF he is willing to do a fast break up with OW

tell him about the love bank theory

tell him that when you went to pick him up from jail ... you did that knowing you were making a deposit into HIS love bank ... ask him how he felt after that love bank deposit you made....

tell him he has been making withdrawls from YOUR love bank, and that the funds are sinking lower every day

tell him if he wants to make a love bank deposit ... in YOUR bank ... "the bank of loving wife" .... the best way is to tell OW their affair is over all at once and to stick by his word and to NEVER see her again .... then tell him to think this over ...

PRESENT it as an OPPORTUNITY .... to show LOVE for his WIFE

share with him that you have been studying marriage skills and you are willing to share what you know as soon as OW is gone ... and that the longer she stays the lower your love bank becomes....

but, be sure it is an opportune time ....

I admire you so much for giving ow a ride to her car. Hind sight that was brilliant. How could she speak ill of you in consideration of your kindness to her?

It sounds as if he is self medicating with the alcohol. Many people with mental illness do that...stbx is included in that number.

You could tell him that you'll be there for him while he's sorting out his health issues but you don't have the strength to have ow hanging on too.

Surely she knows what's happening. I'm sure she's driven by your home and noticed his car there.

Christmas miracles come in strange boxes!! It sounds like WH has hit rock bottom. I agree that the alcohol use could be self-medicating. I am so glad he is finally getting some proper treatment.

I have a dear friend who is bipolar, he is a kind and wonderful man when he is medicated. His wife is his anchor. When she sees his behavior or thoughts turn askew she gets him to the doctor for blood work...its usually off. They have worked together as a team and he has been well controlled for over 7 years now.

Its a wild ride your on, put on your seat belt!

As for a tip on how to end with the OW? NC letter. He can let her down easy...its simple its not her fault...he is choosing to save his marriage.

Hi Slammed,

You know when I read you Christmas story, I thought of LM operating on his ExW OM. You just never know how things are gonna turn out. What a surprise. I hope it is his bottom Slammed. It will only be his proving himself to you that you will know, and Lord knows how long that will take.

I'm concerned knowing this is your WH 3rd DUI. It depends on how close together the Dui's are, but in many states it could mean jail time for a while. This is also going to cost him lots of bucks. I hope you are prepared for that.
I hope if he does commit to you that you will be willing to be his personal taxi too.

My D's father was in similar sitch many years ago like your H, and the minute he was in trouble with the law he was crying on my shoulder wanting me to be there, waiting for him to get out of jail, supporting him the whole way. I believed him, only to have him change back, find another OW and go back to his old ways when he was out of trouble.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but test his heart.

He may be going to counseling now due to it will show the court he has entered some kind of program to help, not necessarily because he wanted to. He's scared. To lessen the sentence possibly...etc... He has been in the sitch before, he knows what looks good to the court.

Guard your heart Slammed, I would hate to see it broken once again. Be sure. He is calling you now because he is very needy. He hasn't done anything about OW yet, and is really blowing that issue off.

Blessings,
Lady

Hi, Slammed.

Quote:
========================================
Any ideas on getting him to end it with OW quickly and not
"easing out" of it ? I think he both feels guilty and bad
about doing it, as well as maybe fearful- from my bits of
experience with her, I think she can probably be very nasty
and difficult ?
========================================

I think Pep gave you excellent advice.

I also think that you handled the situation with other woman superbly.

Just to play 'what if' for a minute; if it turns out that hubby is indeed bipolar, and it does sound likely, if he gets the right meds, and if he complies with the dosing schedule, it is entirely possible that he may 'defog' in a matter of days as opposed to weeks or months.

I don't want to give you a false sense of hope. There are a lot of 'ifs' in the paragraph above. The positive side to all this if he is bipolar, is that there are a lot of new drugs out that really outclass and outperform previously available drugs.

I think you are a real gem of a wife. I think that part of him knows just how true that is and is scared clueless that he might really lose the only firm foundation in his life. Having a firm footing in some portion of a bipolar's life is incredibly important to them, even while they may not understand why. Other woman represents instability. Generally speaking, he will find that prospect unattractive, sooner rather than later.

I would never encourage anyone here to be a doormat. I would encourage you to hold out a bit longer if you can so that he can really get a good look at the contrasts in his life.

God bless,
Gimble

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts, suggestions
and support ! I had been hoping and praying for WH to get
the "wake up call" he so desperately needed for both his
getting help with his mental issues and with ending the A,
and seemed to get both in this one very unexpected blow !
At what a cost though...

I'm not sure, in his mind, what has exactly changed or what
has brought about the turn from OW, but I had a couple of
ideas- One being that I had felt the A was already losing
some of it's momentum before this happened, and perhaps this
new situation is "accelerating" it to it's end. I'd kind of
think that this would really be a "fantasy killer" on both
sides, with the OW realizing she might not want to be with
a man who IS still married and obviously has "issues", and
WH realizing what a pitiful low he had sunk to, being out
gambling and drinking on Christmas Eve and the kind of person OW is to be out doing the same !?

The other is that my coming to pick up WH and even giving
OW a ride made a huge deposit in WH's "bank", causing him
to remember our good times, the support and love he's always
had, and makes him want the comfort, stability and love of home and his W. I also think the fact that I've been with
him, supported, and helped with his past issues, and know
and support him with his mental/emotional problems is also
much in my favor ?

Yesterday, WH had a consultation with a lawyer so was able
to find out some information about how things are going to
go, and what might happen with his legal situation. She
didn't seem to "sugar coat" anything, but did feel that his
long history of meds (possibly the wrong ones since he was
apparently mis-diagnosed 5 yrs ago), all of which have side
effects and interaction with alcohol should "play into" the
situation. One of his past DUI was dropped down to a DWAI
(lesser offense ) which received a "deferred" sentence and
is now off his records, so the lawyer feels he will be
slightly better off with this considered as a 2nd, rather
than 3rd offense, but he already knows he will have to do
community service, alcohol classes, and will definitely
lose his license for some length of time. What he is most
scared of is implications on his job, and the possiblity
of jail time (although there are other possiblities like
work-release programs or at-home monitoring, ankle bracelet,
etc.) He seemed a little better after talking to her, but
is still very quiet, somber, scared, anxious and depressed.

He wanted to come over last night, and we just ate dinner
and watched a movie (he slept part of the time). He has not
been getting much sleep, and I thought he might feel better
if he slept at our house but he indicated he'd rather go
back to his room, so I didn't push it.

Earlier in the day when we talked, he brought up OW on his own. He said he felt bad for her because she didn't know
anyone or have any friends here (moved here in Aug), that
he felt like he was "turning his back on her", that she had
been sick this week (missed work due to virus), and that he
never meant for anyone to get hurt. I tried to be VERY
careful in responding- said I could understand how he felt
but guess she must have known when she moved here that she
wouldn't know anyone. Said maybe she could get a transfer
back home (he said he didn't think she could due to job),
and that there just wasn't any way to avoid hurt, all round.
I asked what she thought was going on (wondered what he was
saying to her, as I assume they have talked some this week)
and he said it was "basically broken off". (???)
Don't know exactly what this means, what's been said, or
what she thinks, but she must realize something has changed,
since he's been with me every evening this past week and
sleeping at his room.

I said, although OW would never be on my "favorites" list,
and was not a friend to him, me or our marriage, that I
didn't wish her harm (okay, so this was a white lie) and
he said "he knew that, but if I was going to be mad at any
one, to be mad at him". I said "maybe I am mad at you, but
I do love you and think you know that, and people can get
over being mad". He said "he knew that".

I like the ideas suggested- telling him I'll stand by him
but she has to be completely out of the picture, and as
I've written this, I've also thought that I could say
something to the affect of- " getting him better has to be
the first focus and concern right now- followed by working
on our M".

Last night he asked if I'd call him this morning when I left
for work, so I did. He said he again had not slept very well
but was getting up so he could get some things done. He was
going to check on his house (is having a house renovated),
then needs to work on packing up and closing his secondary
office. (He had rented an office for his "side" business
for the past year, but it didn't really work out so he has
given up the lease and has to be out by end of year).
I earlier in the week had offered to help with it, so may
go do that after I get off today (just work this morning).

Will continue to try to be loving, supportive and helpful
(guess that's basically Plan A) while still trying to guard
my heart and not get my hopes up too much- will be going
with WH to the next therapy appt on Mon night, and his Dr
appt with the psychiatrist on Tues. where I hope they will
finally make a true diagnosis and get him started on the
right track with the correct meds.

Added note- Just talked to WH and he sounds like he is
having a very hard day- sounded shaky and pretty upset.
Asked what was bothering him today and he said the legal
stuff most of all, plus the situation with OW, and not
being able to sleep or eat making it worse. I guess part
of this is probably withdrawal from the OW, isn't it ?
Too bad this is hitting all at once, as WH is not in very
good shape to deal with it, but nothing can really do about
it. I will be with him after I get off work and will try
to give him some comfort, help, let him talk, and try to
get him to eat and get some rest.

Peachy- loved the idea of turning in OW as a hooker- she
really does look the part (especially at 330am !)

Move Forward- Couldn't help but agree that it was tempting
to "run over" OW, but guess that would have been a LB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bigger- Yes, the cop was pretty cute, but a little young,
and had on a wedding ring. I sure did like his attitude and
perception of OW, and loved his comment to her !

Hurting- Thanks for the continued prayers. I am hoping your
WH gets turned around quickly too, without so much drama.

Longhorn- Thanks for the support.

Believer- I hope you are right in that WH will remember and
value the support and love he's had, and will value it and
make the effort to do a full recovery.

Eav- Thanks for the support and name suggestion. I'd love
to be "Slammin" ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband- Thanks for the good idea on getting WH to go
with a clean break rather than trying to "ease out". I'm
going to try your suggestions.

JPH- Thanks for the support. Hard to know what "spin" OW
might try to put on things, but at least I know I've not
done anything that OW can use against me. I don't know for
sure what she thinks is happening or what's been said btwn
her and WH, but she has to know something has changed since
WH has been with me each evening this week and has been at
his rented room each night.

Confused- Thanks for the information about your friend who
is doing pretty well with handling bipolar disorder. It's
a scary condition, but at least does sound like there is a
lot of hope with it when properly treated and on the right
meds.

Lady Sheep- Thanks for your thoughts and support. I don't
know what exactly has caused the alcohol-related incidents
with WH, except that it is apparently common for people with
mental/emotinal issues to have some addictions as well, or
to use alcohol for "self-medicating". My IC was formerly
an alcohol/drug counselor and thinks is sounds like WH may
not be a true alcoholic but does definitely have some issues
with alcohol. I'm hoping the therapy and meds will help his
overall situation. Its not going to be easy though, as he
will have to face this legal battle now, with all it's
expense, hassle, and scariness !

Gimble- Thanks for your suggestions and support. I do feel
part of the reason I've "stuck with " WH this long and been
able to want to restore our marriage were because I really
believed he had issues and could be the old H I used to know. I hope the correct diagnosis, meds and therapy will
help him get back to being that person again and hope the
good memories, love, support and stability will be a big
drive in bringing him back to the M.

Thanks,
Slammed

Guess what slammed. My H used to be a drug/alcohol counselor himself. He is what is considered MICA (Mentally Ill Chemical Abuser). Had been sober 6 yrs (from what he told me..????) Episodes of bipolar/depression. He takes alot of meds. He told me when he went out, 4 1/2 months ago that he wasn't taking his meds the way he was supposed to. But now he takes the same meds, but he isn't getting better at stopping the lies, underhanded secrets...etc.... So I wonder...I don't blame everything on a lack of meds. I just won't...some of it is just plain character flaws I believe.

Your H may not be an alcoholic, but he may be an abuser of alcohol when he does drink...ei, Alcohol Abuser/Binge Drinker. The professional word for it is... an Espilon Alcoholic. An alcohol abuser can go months and not drink, but when he does he abuses it.

When your H does drink does he slam them, meaning one after the other? If so he may be a MICA also. Something for you and him to look into...okay.

Hoping the best, I know it's not easy.

Blessings,
Lady

P.S. My H just told me that a person is not usually diagnosed as Bipolar unless he is sober continuously for 1 year. Because alcoholism can mimic a mental disorder, (they can't tell if a person has a chemical imbalance if he is drinking/drugging) especially Bipolor. It is standard procedure from the American Psychiatric Assoc. This maybe why your H was never diagnosed as bipolor, but Dr's are looking at the possibility that he is. He has to show to a professional that he has had 1 yr of solid sobriety to make that proper diagnosis, otherwise they cannot diagnose him with Bipolar.

I for one am very very torn that you rescued him....

but you did...

I suggest YOU get yourself into ALANON this week....
because you need to be there...if this is your husbands THIRD DUI...

I am concerned you are going to help him get all these things..

meds
sober
support

and then he is going to pull I can't face you with all the rescueing you did...
and I need to find myself...

I think you should detach a little....
and put very very very little validity in to his words....
and even actions..

till he is is a twelve step program with a sponsor...
and you my friend are in alanon...

ARK

Don't u think your actions show u r already standing by him? Now make sure your continued stance isn't next to or for the Ws but for your H.

Btw, your H hasn't fully been in all of your post. The WS keeps trying to peak through though most of your interactions appears t/b with your H, so that's a good sign.

I think it is better to continue to provide help but don't be too helpful. As for good deeds to the OW, well.... it was highly gnerours of you to take her to her car........ I can tell you that I probably would have done the same but probably dropped her off a few blocks or miles away at another car.... oops. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Or maybe just left her at the police station.... I am just not as generous soul as you were/are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What t/d now? Let him prove to you his changes. As for him feeling sorry for the OW, that's the WS trying to regain control. Your response about still being angry with him was very good. You don't have to lessen his burden. These are the results of his choices and he needs to deal with the consquences.

Side effects of bad meds or bad diagnosis is not good but does not warrant condoning the A. You'd be surprised what some WS' do to justify the A. I am not saying your H is trying to do that but well...... just be safe and don't be suckered into taking in nothing less than the truth. If it was only because of the bad meds, then the OW will be let go a lot quicker once he gets on the good stuff.... otherwise, consider it babble.

This time w/b hard for you to exercise patience. But it ia critical time 4 u. U seem t/b doing fine.....keep it up. Just remember to NOT sell yourself short and your don't have to do all for him. Even now.

Keep that clear mind and calm heart. Make sure you undertand about the 5 stages of grieving a BS goes through.....why? Because if neglected your anger stage could kick in big time and that would definitely cause some issues for any type of M recovery.

JMHO,
L.

Dear Slammed,

What a Christmas! I am truly impressed and moved by your actions, Slammed. Like everyone else here said, I don't think I will ever be able to give OW a ride, especially after she showed such "attitude" in front of the police officer. You are a sweet, strong and wonderful person, and I almost feel that your WH does not deserve you. And I am very happy to see it seems your WH has hitten rock bottom.

I pray that his words and actions he is showing now are truthful and will last. He knows he will NEVER be able to get a woman like you. If he does not stick to his words, HE is the one who is going to lose, not you.

All I can say is that your WH is a really lucky guy to be loved by a great lady like you.

Please take care of yourself, and a happy new year!

Milk

Thanks Orchid, Milk, ArK-
It definitely has been a very "interesting" week.

Went to meet WH at his rented room after I got off work on
Sat. and found him very down, quiet and somber. He took me
to see the house he is renovating, and he did kind of perk
up a bit while showing me the completed changes and things
left to be done. We later went out to eat, then back to our
house, where we just watched tv and ate some snacks. He was
definitely not interested in anything to drink for New Yr's
Eve, didn't even want some sparkling cider we had !
When it got late, I figured he must be planning to stay the
night, although he hadn't said anything. After watching the
fireworks at midnight, I wanted to get to sleep, and asked
if he was going to stay-
He said he would like to, would just sleep on top of the bed ! (our bed, with me in it, but on top of the covers) which was a little weird ! I guess he wanted to be close
to me, but didn't feel comfortable with the "intimacy" of
sleeping in the same bed). Ended up being okay, although I
didn't sleep too well after sleeping alone for 4 months !

Sun. we ran some errands, then went to pack up and clear out
his little office. This took much of the day, then we ate
and watched some TV for the evening. He was quiet, down, and still had a hard time eating anything, but was pleasant
and very courteous - even apologized one time saying "he
was sorry if he was grouchy". He again stayed overnight.

Mon. he woke up feeling really down and said he felt like
he had to talk to OW about their "relationship". I figured
it was at least partly "withdrawal" and didn't want him to
go thinking she would probably try to use anything she could, make him feel guilty, or even try to issue him an
ultimatum, and didn't know how he could think very clearly,
or be strong in his current state. I reminded him that we
can't work on US or the M, until she is totally out of the
picture, and talked about the Love bank theory (as suggested
in earlier post by Pepperband). He said he just wanted to
get it over with, so left and said he'd be back shortly.

When he returned, he looked very drained. I asked how it had
gone, and he said he just didn't feel like talking about it
then. I tried to stay upbeat and pleasant, and we later went
out to lunch. As he began talking some about his meeting with her, I felt very discouraged, as I felt like some of
his thoughts or feelings had maybe changed- undoubtedly due
to their conversation ! He said he had realized that it
wouldn't be easy to get back together, that we couldn't just
get back together and act like nothing had happened, that
the underlying problems were still there, and then asked
what I had thought during the time we were apart. I tried
to think and take a deep breath before answering- then
talked calmly and quietly to say I agreed that it wouldn't
be easy, and no, we couldn't act like nothing had happened.
That we both agreed that some things needed to change, and
that it would take both of us to figure out what and how to
do that. That we had agreed we would need to do MC together
but not until after he had a chance to work on some of his
own issues. I wasn't sure what he meant by asking what I
"thought when we were apart", but just said I had been sad,
missed our life and being with him, had believed things
could change and be better, had still loved him and wanted
to work things out. He then said, he remembered things I had
said to him that were very negative like calling him a
"loser", "calling him unfaithful and dishonest", etc. and
that if I really thought those things were true, he didn't
know why I'd want to be with him. I then realized this had
to be the OW feeding him some of this, and also that this
was some of my old LB's coming back to "haunt me". I said
I did realize we had problems with communicating well, and
certainly did know that I had said things in anger or hurt
at times, which I had not meant and that I apologized.
I said it seemed like talking to Ow had seemed to change his
"tune", and he denied it, but I really feel like that is
what happened- and why I didn't want him to talk to her !!
The rest of the day was okay- we went to his therapy appt.
that night, and the session went well. On the way home, he
thanked me for "being there" and all I had done, so I felt
a little better, but also am leery of being his support and
help only to have him still attached with OW !

Tues morning, he had an appointment with a psychiatrist.
I felt the Dr. was very sharp, very nice. He had already
read all the notes from the therapist, reviewed the several
screening tests Wh had filled out, and looked at his long
list of meds, but said he wanted to hear from WH himself
"what was going on". WH and the Dr discussed his history,
family background, symptons, meds, etc. and his current
situation with this DUI incident bringing on severe anxiety
and depression. After quite a detailed discussion (and Dr
asking me a few questions) Dr. confirmed our suspicious and
diagnosed WH as having Bipolar disorder. I felt a great
relief and almost happiness at him finally having a true
diagnosis that made sense, as so much of what Dr said really
fit and put together a lot of "peices" in WH's behavior for
such a long time. Dr advised that Wh having had just AD's
for many years could have had the effect of either just
doing nothing for him, or could have actually pushed him in
to a "manic" episode and made him worse, also confirmed that
anxiety and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) are closely
related and definitely have been made worse with his current
depression. Dr. also felt WH was not an actual alcoholic
but did, have a form of bingeing or other alcohol issue
that needs to be addressed as well. He immediately put him
on a prescription for a "mood regulator/anti depressant"
which is supposed to help him sleep better, and start
getting his mood in better control. He suggested he start
the meds immediately (said to him "you look like crap")
and he did start that night. Initially it makes him very
tired, but after a few days is supposed to have "calming"
effect,and start to help with his mood. We are both to
return next week to see how the meds are doing, and to
determine if a dosage change is needed-

Know it will still be a long road, but I'm so glad that H
is finally getting some help. He also told Dr that we had
been seperated but were reconciling and working on things
(made me feel good), has been wearing his wedding ring
every day, and has been at our house every evening and night
since Sat.

I had my IC last night, and she felt encouraged by the
changes as well, also realizing it will be a long road for
both WH and M situation to improve. She suggested I stay
as much out of situation with WH and OW as possible, giving
it a little time to hopefully die its "final death", which
is what I was kind of doing , but it's hard. I know WH
hasn't been seeing her but believe they are still talking
some- (he's being pretty honest and open about it)

Had a thought last night- wondered if OW had actually done
the breaking off with WH -? Maybe she finally decided he had too many issues, now has a long legal battle ahead and wasn't worth the trouble ? (not to mention still has a WIFE !) Guess it doesn't really matter, but I would rather
than he decided to break it off so it was his decision.

More comments and suggestions~ and continued support
appreciated !
Slammed

three duis IS an alcohol PROBLEM as long as I and every other sober person in this country has to get behind the car...

Christmas eve to boot.....

and some doctor diagnosing him NOT an alchoholic....
and him lapping and clinging it up......
he better get himself in to a support group NOW or relinquish his license....

you better get yourself to alanon...
it will serve you just as much as the meds and diagnosis they are plying him with that will be used to rationalize and justify all his choices....

he will probably do well as the poor poor victim....and come out of this of not being able to help any of it...

ARK