Now I have a huge decision to make because I told him in no uncertain terms that his infidelity was not acceptable to me and that if it happened again, I would have to end it.

"The notion that infidelity always reveals somethng about the marriage continues to impose on couples demands that no one in any other realm of health care would countenance. That an affair has occurred obviously means that the marriage was vulnerable. That the pattern of marital interaction allowed it to happen. That does not mean that the affair is a function of that pattern.....Sometimes we choose dishonorable ways of feeling better because of our own shortcomings. This is not a shortcoming of your marriage. Nothing ever makes an individual trustworthy except his or her own good character. An affair need not show anything wrong with the marriage, but it ALWAYS shows unreliable character - a person who does not keep promises and engages in deceit is, by definition, unreliable. Yes, you might be able to decrease the partner's unhappiness; then THEN YOU WILL HAVE TAKEN THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR KEEPING THE PARTNER HAPPY ENOUGH THAT HE OR SHE WON'T DO WHAT THEY SHOULD NEVER BE WILLING TO DO ANYWAY"

Maybe I have more self esteem than he does, because I've never required constant ego stroking. But just because I don't compliment him constantly, doesn't mean he gets to run to someone else who will!

But doesn't this come down to the statement I have heard all my life "Once a cheat always a cheat".

Maybe he's not capable of taking care of anyone but himself.

he doesn't want this life that we've built together to end.

He knew that I felt if he ever did this again, I would be very inclined to end it. So, I asked him if he did this to get out of this marriage. He said that he wasn't even thinking about me! He just fell into it and before he knew it he was in over his head. How could someone be so callous as to have a 2nd affair and not even think about his wife and family?

Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a person that is that selfish (or that addicted)? Or is this a deep-seated protection mechanism for himself that he needs to get in touch with and recognize? I love him enough to help him discover the great person I think he can be. But I can't go through life wondering if he'll ever really get there. For 20 years, my whole day every day has been scheduled around making sure everyone else is taken care of. As soon as I take care of myself - my world falls apart.

Quoted from The Essential Enneagram by David Daniels and Virginia Price:

A) “I approach things in an all-or-nothing way, especially issues that matter to me. I place a lot of value on being strong, honest, and dependable. What you see is what you get. I don't trust others until they have proven themselves to be reliable. I like people to be direct with me, and I know what someone is being devious, lying, or trying to manipulate me. I have a hard time tolerating weakness in people, unless I understand the reason for their weakness or I see that they're trying to do something about it. I also have hard time following orders or direction if I do not respect or agree with the person in authority. I am much better at taking charge myself. I find it difficult to display my feelings when I am angry. I am always ready to stick up for my friends or loved ones, especially if I think they are being treated unjustly. I may not win every battle with others, but they'll know I've been there.”


B) “I have high internal standards for correctness, and I expect myself to live up to those standards. It's easy for me to see what's wrong with the things as they are and to see how they could be improved. I may come across to some people as overly critical or demanding perfection, but it's hard for me to ignore or accept things that are not done the right way. I prided myself on the fact that if I'm responsible for doing something, you can be sure I'll do it right. I sometimes have feelings of resentment when people don't try to do things properly or when people act irresponsibly or unfairly, although I usually try not to show it to them openly. For me, it is usually work before pleasure, and I suppress my desires as necessary to get the work done.”

C) “I seem to be able to see all points of view pretty easily. I may even appear indecisive at times because I can see advantages and disadvantages on all sides. The ability to see all sides makes me good at helping people resolve their differences. This same ability can sometimes lead me to be more aware of other people's positions, agendas, and personal priorities than of my own. It is not unusual for me to become distracted and then to get off task on the important things I'm trying to do. When that happens, my attention is often diverted to unimportant trivial tasks. I have a hard time knowing what is really important to me, and I avoid conflict by going along with what others want. People tend to consider me to be easygoing, pleasing and agreeable. It takes a lot to get me to the point of showing my anger directly at someone. I like life to be comfortable, harmonious, and others to be accepting of me.”

D) “I am sensitive to other people's feelings. I can see what they need, even when I don't know them. Sometimes it's frustrating to be so aware of people's needs, especially their pain or unhappiness, because I'm not able to do as much for them as I'd like to. It's easy for me to give of myself. I sometimes wish I were better at saying no, because I end up putting more energy into caring for others than into taking care of myself. It hurts my feelings if people think I'm trying to manipulate them or control them when all I'm trying to do is understand and help them. I like to be seen as a warmhearted and good person, but when I'm not taken into account or appreciated I ca become very emotional or even demanding. Good relationships mean a great deal to me, and I'm willing to work hard to make them happen.”

E)” Being the best at what I do is a strong motivator for me, and I have received a lot of recognition over the years for my accomplishments. I get a lot done and am successful in almost everything I take on. I identify strongly with what I do, because to a large degree I think your value is based on what you accomplish and the recognition you get for it. I always have more to do than will fit into the time available, so I often set aside feelings and self-reflection in order to get things done. Because there's always something to do, I find it hard to just sit and do nothing. I get impatient with people who don't use my time well. Sometimes I would rather just take over a project someone is completing too slowly. I like to feel and appear "on top" of any situation. While I like to compete, I am also a good team player.”

F) “I would characterize myself as a quiet, analytical person who needs more time alone than most people do. I usually prefer to observe what is going on rather than be involved in the middle of it. I don't like people to place too many demands on me or to expect me to know and report what I am feeling. I'm able to get in touch with my feelings better when alone than with others, and I often enjoy experiences I've had more when reliving them than when actually going through them. I'm almost never bored when alone, because I have an active mental life. It is important for me to protect my time and energy and hence, to live a simple, uncomplicated life and be as self-sufficient as possible.”

G) “I have a vivid imagination, especially when it comes to what might be threatening to safety and security. I can usually spot what could be dangerous or hurtful and my experience as much fear as if it were really happening. I either always avoid danger or always challenge it head-on. My imagination also leads to my ingenuity and a good, if somewhat offbeat, sense of humor. I would like for life to be more certain, but in general I seem to doubt the people and things around me. I can usually see the shortcomings in the view someone is putting forward. I suppose that, as a consequence, some people may consider me to be very astute. I tend to be suspicious of authority and am not particularly comfortable being seen as the authority. Because I can see what is wrong with the generally held view of things, I tend to identify with underdog causes. Once I have committed myself to a person or cause, I am very loyal to it.”

H) “I am an optimistic person who enjoys coming up with new and interesting things to do. I have a very active mind that quickly moves back and forth between different ideas. I like to get a global picture of how all these ideas fit together, and I get excited when I can connect concepts that initially don't appear to be related. I like to work on things that interest me, and I have a lot of energy to devote to them. I have a hard time sticking with unrewarding and repetitive tasks. I like to be in on the beginning of a project, during the planning phase, when there may be many interesting options to consider. when I have exhausted my interest in something, it is difficult for me to stay with it, because I want to move on to the next thing that has captured my interest. If something gets me down, I prefer to shift my attention to more pleasant ideas. I believe people are entitled to an enjoyable life.”


I) “I am a sensitive person with intense feelings. I often feel misunderstood and lonely, because I feel different from everyone else. My behavior can appear like drama to others, and I have been criticized for being overly sensitive and overamplifying my feelings. What is really going on inside is my longing for both emotional connection and a deeply felt experience of relationship. I have difficulty fully appreciating present relationships because of my tendency to want what I can't have and to disdain what I do have. The search for emotional connection has been with me all of my life, and the absence of emotional connection has led to melancholy and depression. I sometimes wonder why other people seem to have more than I do--better relationships and happier lives. I have a refined sense of aesthetics, and I experience a rich world of emotions and meaning.”