I'm wondering if this could be of any use:

_______

Mr OM

Being the first affected by the fact that you are sleeping with my wife, I wish to share with you that it is a torture for me what you are doing.

I don’t know why you would want to do this to another man.

Regardless of what my wife may believe, she was and is still my wife.

Just so you know.

(my name)
_______

DLK21

Don't send the email. The OM has already proven he is a man of low moral character by sleeping with a married woman. This email will not help anything. Don't do it.

I agree with Traic. He will probably send back a very hurtful to you justification that he loves your wife, you're a crap husband blah, blah, blah. (I don't believe any of that, but that's probably what you'd get from him)

Having said that, if I had received an e-mail like this from the OM's wife, it would certainly have stopped me in my tracks. I don't believe myself to be of low moral character though.

No offense intended KiwiJ. I think of men in affairs and women in affairs very differently. It may just be my bias but I think of men getting into affairs for very selfish reasons while women get into them for more emotional reasons. It still may ultimately be selfish but I think women have better intentions than men, in general.

BTW, I am speaking about an OM - not a WH.

Trac,

The women are actually the ones who calculate the A more. Emotional? More like the thirst for power.

DLK,

I realize you feel the need to write this note. Write it and hold onto it for a while. Let's say 3 weeks. Then pull it out and see if you still feel the same.

In realizty the OM won't give a hoot about you feelings. He is out to bang up a Ws and your Ws is his choice.

Sorry to say that.

L.

My bias is that for most (unmarried) OM's it's about conquest and sex. For a "normal" WH, I think it is more about EN's. Am I that far off?

I just feel like putting a little cloud on their unopposed affaire.

My WW is so lost these days. They just need to know, so I think.

I'm also on the verge on exposing to the OM's parents, a thing I should have done at first 7 months ago.

I need to get the nerve to state clearly to my WW that it is not because that I don't yell back at her that I'm going along with her betrayal of our marriage.

DLK21

My feeling is that any email to OM is going to backfire on you and make you feel worse. OM is not motivated to help you end the A. Exposure will be the only way to get his attention. By sending that email to the OM, you appear weak and out of control. Not a good picture to present to WW. They will just have a good laugh and you will get a nastygram back.

Orchid, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. I would have thought that being an FWW myself, I would have quite an understanding of how a WW's mind works. Maybe not.

I answered the post completely honestly. It would have stopped me in my tracks to receive an e-mail like that from the OMs wife. Men could well be different - in fact I'm sure they are. There's also a misconception on the board that the OP and the WS spend a lot of time laughing about the BSs. In my case this was not true in any way whatsoever. I don't think I'm the only one who was in that situation. Much, much more time was spent talking guiltily about the BSs and what we were doing to them.

I agree with Traic on this one. It does make the BS look out of control and weak which is the last thing you want and I also repeat what I said earlier. Justification is the only response you will receive.

I do disagree that a "normal" WH's motives are goverened more by their emotions. Exactly the same motivations as a "single" OM if you ask me.

Once again KiwiJ, if I offended you I am truly sorry. I had my mind on a predatory OM when I posted my response. I was not thinking of a WS in any way shape or form. My experience with an OM has been that of what I believe is a serial predator. I don't think they have any morals or conscience that can be appealed to. On the other hand, I am dealing with a WW who I think has very high moral standards - if I didn't honestly believe that, I wouldn't want her back. So if I believed that all people who were involved with affairs were of low morals, I wouldn't be on this board. I hope that makes sense and, again, I apologize.

Your comment about BS's thinking that WS's and OP's laugh about them - I certainly had those thoughts shortly after Dday. WW denied them and I do believe her. I do believe that her conversations were more along the lines you describe - even so, we BS's have a lot to deal with and we have to think about a lot of things immediately after our self-esteem is shattered. So I guess I agree with you.

BTW, I think Orchid's email hit me a little strangely at first too. Then I got the idea she was talking about a single OW and not a WW. It made more sense then.

Kiwi & Trac,

My statement about women being more calculating was a general statement. Not all but many women premediate their acts. Whether it be how to sneak a purchase into the home, have an EA or EA/PA, hide $$, make $$, get pregnant, etc. Not necessarily all bad things but basically knowingly mislead their mate.

Women in general are more sneaky than men. With that said, when it comes to having an A, seems even from reading here, the WSW's and OWs have a tendency t/b sneaky. Planning the A, fantasizing about the A, scheming about the A, manipulating their mates, family friends, $$, filing false RO charges, etc. for the A.....more than men plan.

To build on that, this is why I believe a BSH s/b careful.

Btw, I don't recall sending an e-mail..... did you mean my above post?

JMHO,
L.

I am starting to change my opinion on this issue...

It used to be that I was a huge supporter in not contacting the OP...

BUT

what I find myself becoming more and more on the side of contacting OP....

Here's some of my rambling's on it...

there is soooo much compartalmentalizing required on the part of the OP and WS....

that a huge creation and perpetuation of the actions of an affair....
is the denial of reality...

inspite of the feelings
inspite of the emotions
inspite of the "warm fuzzies"

there is a lot of reality denial going on to keep it going...

a lot of rationalizing.
a lot of conflict avoiding
a lot of pretending
a lot of denying
and a lot lying...

I for one will no longer accept from an OP that the malicious fallout of an affair is the sole responsibility of the married WS and that the OP is not part of that triangle of chaos....

Once you actively engage in being part of triangle...you own the destruction it creates.....

I think it is very very dangerous thinking (even for the mental well being of an OP ) to compartalmentalize the truth of their actions and destruction that they are fully a participant in.

this compartment mentality
this denial that time spent with an OP is a direct stealing of time, energy and emotion from the family unit...
is a core core faction of the continuation of an affair...

it feeds the beast....

I am begining to think that chipping away at and exposing the reality of the BS as real people...
and not some unknown unasked unreal identity is a good thing...

I am starting to think that when a BS can expose their existance...
and their existance as a real person with real feelings and emotions...
rationally
logically

is not such a bad thing at all...

the key is NOT expect anything from the OP...
AND
to not react to the fallout no matter how much it comes all tied up with a ribbon of falseness and rationalization

It is a very dangerous thing to convince yourself that your actions do not have effect on other individuals

it is very childish to try to claim that since I did not take vows with that person then I am free of responsibility of my own actions....as many OP attempt to do...

we all know what a wedding band means
the lines are not blurred
the defintions are not changable based on emotions
attraction or anything else....

ARK

Continuing arkie's thoughts, I believe "exposure" to the OP has it's time and place. This is especially true if the OP may be believing the WS's lies of not being married, not having kids, not having STD's, etc.

With this in mind, perhaps a better communication would be:

I lean towards contacting the OM too. Personal experience.

But DLK, your epistle accomplishes very little. It sounds like whining.

I confronted OM in person days after DDay 2. He cut and run. And it was a 10 year VLTA, too.

I should have confronted him after DDay 1, when it was still just an LTA.

But, contacting an OM requires some planning and some backup. You need to stay on message no matter what he says or does.

Analogous to the mindset required of a good Plan B letter, it requires the BH be ready to let WW go.

Oh, and do it along with exposure.


With prayers,

Continuing with the thought processes of Ark and WAT...I believe that including a family picture with the email and saying something to the effect of...

Here is the family that is being destroyed as a result of your poor choice to have and continue an affair with my wife...look into the faces of these children and tell them that you are plotting the divorce of their parents, the desecration of all they have ever known...because make no mistake about it, that IS what is going on here...

Key here, as Ark wisely pointed out, is not to expect results...

I do think that it could be powerful...


Mrs. Wondering

me to mrs w..
but that's cause we think alike when it comes to certain states...

ARK

make an appointment with the harleys... sometimes they say a message to the OP is very effective.

Get expert opinion.

I like the idea personally ... and I would make many copies to share with the rest of the family as well.

Pep

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL...Thought you'd like that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Mrs. Wondering

This is my latest version:

________________________________
Mr OM,


Marriage is a relationship that is different from all others and that requires to be treated as such. As soon as we make it easy to leave a marriage, to separate, to divorce, as soon as we make it okay to have extramarital affaires and all sorts of other things, this undermines this precious, fragile and broad reaching entity.

Marriage is not like cohabitation, it is not like being girl-friend boy-friend, or when two live together. Marriage does not start when person a feels married, or when they get engaged. It does not start until it is official and does not end ether when a person longer feels oneself married.

Marriage presupposes that feelings can change. Marriage pre-supposes that we can fall out of love and back into love with one other.

The vows that my wife, W and I exchanged explicitly addressed this risk. Part of our pledged to each other among others stated that we would continue to love each other in our moments of strength but also in our moments of weakness, in our moments when we would remember who we are but also when we would forget. Not only when we would act with love but also when we would not act out of love towards each other.

Whether W felt like it or not when she turned to you, she was a married woman and you were sleeping with my wife. Whether she feels like it or not, she is a married woman, my wife, and you are sleeping with my wife.

I have given you time to think of your actions.

Your relationship with her is so inappropriate.

In the same manor that a person who gets out of shape will not and should not accept this as final and will start training and will regain his physical shape, husbands and wives can fall out of love and regain this love and even have a love that is better than ever before.

I hope you are realising how wrong it is what you are doing with her. For you, for me but most of all for W.

Started as adultery, your relationship with her was, is and will be morally untenable and carries with it a high degree of probability of bearing upon you, but especially on W, much unhappiness, grief and pain in the future. It has already started.

We were not separated. She was to see how she felt about working in (other town) before we decided on the next move in her career and where we were to live together. Her wedding rings were at the jewellers to get the diamond I had gotten her for our anniversary fitted.

My wife turned towards you, was attracted to you with passion(…)

You may have wanted to do what is good and noble but your actions are ill-advised. At the light of this, please, recognise that it is unquestionable that you are contributing in large part to the break up of our marriage. (I don’t like «break up» it is to weak a term, down fall, ) You are breaking up our marriage.

Because of this, I am obligated to repeat to you that your relationship with W was and remains inappropriate. Your relationship with her places itself between us and makes the healing of our marriage impossible. And so I reiterate my request: if you care for her and wish her happiness, change your ways please and respect our marriage and end all contact with her for ever.

(signed me)
(include picture of our wedding)
_______________________________

it is still a draft but it gives him a little background and where I stand on our marraige and his involvement.

DLK21

If I send it I won't expect him to back off but just to be less self rightous on the love/passion justification of his involvement with WW and less self confident.

Thank you to those who took the time to give your comments

DLK21

IMHO, he won't read past the first sentence.

You're trying to reach a scumbag.

The best way to do this - if it can be done at all - is to make it short and to the point. Any attempt to espouse morals beyond the obvious will just become fodder for him to ridicule you. He will thus be rescuing her from you.

JMHO

WAT

Don’t send that letter----------It makes you weak.

As many have stated this OM is likely a person of poor character or perhaps someone with antisocial or narcissistic personality.

Having said that I will admit I wrote OM an email. I told OM he could have my wife anytime if she was willing to leave the marriage.

Then my wife told OM she could not leave the marriage and dumped him.

In any event I am sorry I even gave any kind of recognition to OM------he was and will always be a bottom feeder.

In any event your letter will not accomplish anything.

If you must write say something meaningful such as:

My gun is loaded and the bullets have your name on them-----you are dead meat.

Otherwise----forget it

Stanley,

Now why didn't I think of that? LOL!

Thank you .Stan-ley for your input. I which that violence could solve things but in this case I don't think it would do any good.

DLK21

DLK:

It is my opinion that you are wasting your time here with this. You will UNDOUBTEDLY feel like a weak man AFTER you send this. Do you really think that the OM needs an "email" from you to wake him up to his contributions of this affair? He righfully (wrongly) believes he is in love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> with your wife, and all this email is going to do is be be interpreted that you are the jealous, crazed, spurned husband who won't let go or face reality.

Come on now. I get your need to want to write him and shake some sense in him or make him become less self righteous, but this won't really work.

I don't ever advocate violence and that won't likely work either, but if you really want to "try" and get through to him, then you might as well "go for broke" and beat the living $hit out of him. Now, this won't get your wife back , but at least you'll know ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) he got the message. Sadly, you'll get the same end results, but maybe you'll feel better. I'd just as well use your efforts to expose to others, etc...He doesn't give a rats A$$ about you or your marriage. You can send it (email), but you'll be regretting it the moment you do.

Just my thoughts...take em or leave em.

DLK, I was very close to sending OM an email also and decided against it. Now I'm glad I did for the exact reasons lem describes above.

There is very little positive that will come from it. If OM had any morals he wouldn't be cheating with a married woman in the first place. Sending it would be futile in my opinion.

Don't send it; you may initially feel as though it accomplished something, but I believe it will backfire

I have not posted in a long time, but this thread touches me. I know how you feel. I, when my DFWH was deep in the Fog, wanted desperately to make MOW know exactly what she was trying to destroy. So, I wrote her a letter. And carried it around in my purse for about 2 months, debating whether to actually send it. Then, finally, blessedly, I was able to see her for the sad, pathetic excuse for a person she was. It did not matter what I could say to her. For her, it was never about me, my H, our M,our family, or even her H, her kids, her M. It was all about her. She was the quintessential narcissist. I am sure she still is.

Ultimately, I destroyed the letter. NC is for all of us, not just the WSs

While I admire Stan-ley's passion, don't ever put anything like that, any kind of threat, any intimation of violence of any kind in an email, phone call or any other medium that can leave a permanent record.

If you really need to deliver Stan-ley's message, sneak in to the guy's place at night while he is asleep, wake him up and whisper it into his ear. Of course, wear a ski mask, gloves and shoes that are three sizes too big so you don't leave any DNA evidence that you were there and any footprints won't be traceable. A "good" alibi wouldn't hurt either.

To be totally honest, my opinion is that this whole idea of a letter/email/whatever to the OM is a complete distraction and is unnecessarily dividing your attention. There are far more productive things you could be doing and you are getting sidetracked and spending way too much time on this. JMO.

Traic, first of all let me say I wasn't offended at all. It's so hard to convey tone in a thread.

I also wanted to say that I'm pretty sure Stanley's tongue was firmly in his cheek when he suggested his version of the e-mail.

What my H did (on our MC's advice) was write me a love letter (to give to me) and the OM a hate letter (not for sending, just for venting). It began "You f****** b******" and went on like that for about 2 pages. He found it very helpful.

Also, when he exposed to the OMs wife he told her that he had been considering coming round to punch her H in the nose but had decided against it.

I know Stan-ley was not serious. I highlighted "passion" because it is a theme from my thread. Besides, lemonman had a much better idea.

I am glad you weren't offended though. We are all here under difficult circumstances so emotions are already high. I will say that I totally and completely admire you for not only saving your marriage but also for being so willing to help others. I think if I were a FWH, it might not occur to me to stay here or maybe even to be here at all. That tells me you are a far better person than I ever will be so I have a lot of respect for you and you are most definitely a person of good moral character.

OK, this ought to convince you that sending an email to OM is futile.

Shortly after d-day I sent a few emails as a reaction to OM’s constant interference and relentless desire to communicate with my wife. However, I did not know that my wife was actively in contact with OM. So my letters made me look like a fool

This is what OM thought of my emails:

He analyzed my writings and then discussed my personality flaws with my wife.

If I said an insulting remark OM used that as an example of how I was not a mature person and not able to deal with the situation in a civilized manner.

OM did not insult me back to show my wife how that he was a nice man and above the concept of exchanging insulting remarks.

As others have said OM rejected the idea that he was having an affair. According to OM they were having a very special romance----------a one of a kind relationship---------and that was not an affair.

According to OM he was not guilty of breaking a marriage that was already broken.

In other words my emails made OM more sympathetic to my wife who was still mesmerized by the smooth talk of OM. I was painted as the out of control wacko.

If I had an argument with my wife OM would learn about it thru a phone conversation and then use that to cement the fact that I was acting violently and in a non-mature manner.


SO DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.


Having said all of the above I will beat the crap out of OM if I ever see him in person. Every time I fly home to see my mother in law I have the premonition I am going to see OM. I get mentally ready to hit him as hard as I can if I ever spot him. I am going to home to a wedding next month--------he better not be there.

Stan-ley..

I agree totally with NOT sending an emotional plead for compassion to an OP...

But...
I am begining to lean towards
short
logical
factual reality
that presents the BS as a REAL person....

with
NO EXPECTATION or CONCERN about what the OP thinks or does..

If a BS sends a letter expecting ANYTHING then there is no point....

ARK^^

For the record, does or does not OM know she's married - with a family including "ankle biters"??

The point being that frequently WSs lie out their butts that they're NOT married, separated, close to divorce, etc.

If OM does not know she has a family, some communication is appropriate, IMHO. Short and sweet. No moralizing.

WAT
---------------
Never rebuke criticism from a fool.

an email? Have you no imagination?

Send OM phony medical records for sexually transmitted diseases.

Then make up a bunch of other 'lovers' for your wife. Give these guys real sexy names and have them all send e-mails to the OM.

If you're good with the computer you might even be able to cut-and-paste some pictures of wife with these imaginary lovers.

You can get real creative with this. A couple of them can be young and well-hung. But you might also want to make one a police officer and another a crazy old man with no teeth.

Of course your wife will find out. Keeping this from her will be like trying to sneak dawn past a rooster. But so what.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Dear DLK21 You replyed to me and i am greatful ty. I had to read what was going on in your life. So i did . In the past i also wanted to tell said person off (if i knew who it was )Then i had idea to help me no one else. I still use it to day and it helps me no one else. Get a recorder and tape what you are feeling . Tell the other man off on it call him anything you want and your wife to tell them both how you feel . talk to your self and replay it back and listen . It helps me and i pour out all my feeling and i don't feel weak to anyone but myself . I even started to laugh at some of the things i said lol . Everyone is right about the other man he is a b-----------! Why would someone you love fall for this person! they don't care a rats ( ! ) about your feeling . I wonder if he really gets your wife if he will cheat on her ?? I am sure he will then where will she be . i bet he has a track record better find out about this guy . tc pansy

Man. If this A has been known to you for 7 months and you haven't exposed, you really need to get on the ball. You should expose today. The best thing I did was tell my FWW's parents. She felt alone and isolated in the world once they knew, and that was a good thing.

I also agree that you can contact the OM if you want, but it will probably result in nothing. ******, my father was dying of cancer and my son was on a liver transplant list and the OM didn't give a crap about any of it. He's a predator, a waste of human skin.

DLK21

Thank you all for your responses.

I just can't stand doing nothing in that direction.

Thank you Lemonman, I understand what you mean by his “love” excuse. A psychiatrist can’t act on love for a patient and neither should he. BTW OM is a police man so beating him up is…Hum… A courageous/sacrificial idea for me to contemplate… Seriously, I think violence is for another era.

I think I'll just remind him that it is not OK and not OK with me and that my being nice to my wife is in no sense an acceptance of their relationship. But first I'll remind my WW. It feels like a LB but it is not. If I get trampled over by them at least I'd like them to know what I stood for.

I need to expose to the OM's parents.

Am I loosing my integrity? Do they know what I stand for?

DLK21

first of all pieta that's not exactly using your noggin ok? sorry for that 2x4, but it is disrespectful for his wife...he's not about revenge, he is about exposure and ending a damaging affair. your approach is damaging to his wife and to any possible recovery.

expose with truth! AND EXPOSE SOON...EXPOSE TO GROUP OF SELECTED TARGETS...w's family (those she holds in esteem), her peers, again same criteria chosen as for family, and the OP...same again, his family, his peers...and you may expose them to your church and to his church also. if it is a WORK AFFAIR EXPOSE TO HR. do it now! and without warning. only SAY THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER...I have evidence that my wife and x (name of om) are having an affair and this is what I know. that is all...you do NOT MAKE UP THINGS NOR LIE NOR FAKE THINGS AS SUGGESTED BY SOMEBODY ELSE...that is damaging, false, and could come back to totally bite your [censored] in legal proceedings.

plus I BELIEVE THAT IS CONSIDERED SLANDEROUS? LEGAL REPURCUSSIONS WAIT FOR THOSE WHO PARTICIPATE IN SLANDER...YA LISTENING PIETA?

anyway, now on to the OP thing...sorry KiwiJen, but the OW in my case were vile. BOTH KNEW as I approached them about their affair with my H. both were vile vile and very predatory. they were blinded with a handsome guy (MY HUSBAND), who was wealthy, who would give them a whirlwind good time...and yea, lie to them like mad. SURE THEY FOUGHT FOR HIM...he was their ticket outta boredom, into the "desperate houswife/sex in city" lifestyle they saw on t.v.....and they WANTED TO HAVE ME OUTTA THE PICTURE ANY WAY THEY COULD...and I went kicking and screaming and named them in my divorce documents. NAMED THEM IN LEGAL DOCS.

so yea, the OP does NOT CARE DUDE if you write him a letter. what will make the OP care? YOU HURT HIS EGO...YOU EXPOSE TO THOSE AROUND HIM WITHOUT WARNING...you DROP DA BOMB.

One final swoop. One wave. Drop it and see the infidels run and scramble all over the place to clean up the mess and begin damage control...WHICH WILL NOT WORK BTW...because their little secret is out!

I may have ended up divorced, but the ow numero uno, MONKEYHO, whom I despise to this day unabashedly, is NOT HIS WIFE...nah. and she's been angling for him for four years now...I singlehandedly with exposure and legalities HER ROLE in the demise of my marriage and made it soooo darn rough and bad for her that even the infidel's parents, who support him in his infedilty *(his own dad is a serial cheater ok?), will NOT ACCEPT MONKEYHO EVER...

monkey even went so far as to try to seduce MY COLLEGE BF whom I still date from time to time. toxic sick sick woman. AND YEA, SHE'S STILL SEEING MY XH BEHIND HIS OTHER WITRESSES (NOW WIFE'S) BACK...how's that for functioning marriage?

expose. do it now. make it final and in one instance. expose to all and do it as quickly as possible. as many calls as possible in as short a time...some may require even an email and call.

DLK21,

I fully understand what you mean about "feel that I need to do something". In my case, I felt like a prop on a cheap theatrical production starring my wife and "her man". All the cast members "knew" about me, discussed me, even made deriding comments and poked fun at me in the lines of their script; but never really acknowledged ME.

Once I spoke up...short and VERY to the point...EVERYTHING shifted. No longer an idle "stage prop", their sick little stage play now had a third player. Apparently it was a bit more difficult for "real man" once the cast of characters expanded.

Their "play" ended within weeks. For some reason, the OP's attitude (sometimes) changes when the "prop" finds his "voice". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

BTW LM, your idea was Plan B. As some "old timers" may recall, that scenario had me "housebound" for three days by some VERY devoted friends! Sometimes...just sometimes, I still believe that idea had A LOT of merit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Things are really hard to take these days.
Sent OM and OM’s parents a letter explaining that he is living with a married woman and to leave her so she can have the space to heal our marriage.

WW has cut me off from email and I’m walking on egg shells trying to do something of a plan A while being separated.

She basically thinks that our marriage is dead and that it is only a question of making it official.

I have not much to work on. Some consideration, but not much more.

I’ll try to call her this evening and tell her how I feel that it would be preferable for her to do a session with Steve.

DLK21

Did I read you sig-line correctly? Have you been in plan A for a year? and she is out of the house living w/OM? Have you tried plan B? Why have you been in plan A for so long?

Thank you ChaCha for your concern about my being in plan A for a year.

SH advises me to stick to a modified plan A. Modified because we have no children, I’m a man and particulars to our marriage and the A.

It is gruelling on me but BH and SH both think it is the most promising course in my situation.

Exposure causes anger on the WW’s and OM’s side. She is shutting me out at the moment. It is hard to not know what she is thinking about even more than usual.

She had all but agreed to a session with Steve but they where acting like publicly like a couple with no guilt. I reexposed with my MB principals.

When my wife had her EA, I emailed the OM. We actually exchanged a series of emails, which I still have.'

In my first message to him, I told him that I was aware of everything that had been going on, that I was committed to my wife and was working on my marriage. I told him that my wife was going through a very difficult emotional time and was very vulnerable. I told him that I accepted my part in her unhappiness with me and that we had decided that as a minimum, we would be completely honest with each other, which meant that she would tell me everything that was going on. I finished by asking him to respect the fact that I was her husband and that he be just a friend to her...no more.

He responded and said that he understood that, and would help anyone who asked for his help, even me (while meanwhile trying to take the EA to PA).

So, I said, okay, then tell me what you think I need to do to save my marriage. He actually responded with some pretty good advice. Imagine blue collar wisdom of Plan A - that was his response.

He then asked me for advice on fixing his computer believe it or not. I gave him some advice. My wife then asked that he and I stop communicating because she thought it was weird. I agreed, and asked her for the same thing for the same reason.

Very surprisingly, he then sent her an admonishing email saying essentially, "Hey, wake up! You're married! Work on your marriage, this has gone too far already." He sent me an email saying, "I think I just gave her the push you need, don't f*** this up!"

I know this sounds bizarre, but it really happened that way.

Ahnold
Thanks for the post. That is incredible. I wish I could ask OM for the same advice. He has said to me that he would leave my wife if she asked him. She has not.

Maybe I could ask him… That is very creative. WW stated that he has said things like ….”I waited all my life to meet a women like you” “Or my hole life has been leeding to this”. So I would be surprised. But I’ll think about it.

Thanks again.

DLK21

You are welcome, but don't anticipate that he will respond in the same way. He is a different person. Keep in mind that he has HIS best interests at heart, not yours. But, if he cares at all about your wife, you may be able to leverage that.

Also, I found that for me, getting the commitment to honesty from my wife was huge. She stuck to it I think because she was so ashamed at being caught lying to me.

Ultimately, you are in your shoes, and deciding to contact him is a personal choice, but there is a lot of experience here, think it through logically first. Kind of like a problem at work, make a plan, work the plan, stick to it.

Good luck, bro.

Don't waste your time. It has been well over a year since I sent out a threatening letter to one of the OM. It did no good. He came out of the cave he lives in and tried to contact my wife a few weeks ago.
This time he will learn that I meant business when I told him I would destroy his life, piece by piece.
He has no regard for your marriage, life or wife!

Thanks BKarl.

I think OMs are not all the same. Some don't even know the WW is married. Some are married themselves and others are not. Time will tell if my registered mail cleared things up at all.

My WW is in love with OM and it is a soul mate situation...Difficult to have her see out of the fog.

DLK21

Just spoke to OM on the phone.

He says it is OK to live with my wife because she has made up her mind. And also that it is not illegal.

I raised my voice too often but all in all I think I did well.

He understands that he is living with a married woman and that she is still married.

He doesn’t grasp that his presence is damaging to our marriage.

DKL21

I'm burnt out.


I hope talking to him did some good.

DLK21

Sorry to see in your last post that you feel burnt out. I can imagine that.
For whatever it's worth...
I think it is a good thing to tell the OP to get out of somebody else's marriage. However it's probably of little use to try and *explain* to the OP why and how it is wrong, and what marriage is supposed to mean - it's like talking to a deaf man.

Any person with an IQ higher than room temperature understands that already.

But I think what belongs in there is saying
... I know what's going on
... this is my marriage not yours
... I want you to stop messing around in my marriage.

No explaining,no arguing, no try to get the upper hand in a discussion.

He will not agree with you, and will use it to prove that you, the husband (or wife, resp.) is mentally unstable, etc, etc. But everyone knows who is the jerk, especially those who try to rationalize it all away...

Thanks DMbx,

I'm going to rest today.

That hour trying to let the OM know

I told him how destructive his actions are. He thought he was not hurting anyone. The problem is that I feel so much anger towards him that I do come across as possessive and out of my mind. He just does not grasp the wisdom behind marriage vows and fidelity. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Who knows how this will work out? Just chipping away at their affaire.

No fault divorce is immoral if you ask me. I’m with you on that.


DLK21

Hi Dk21,

Sorry mate I have not seen you on msn for a long time, I was thinking about you and how things are. Lets make a plan to have a chat..I am working long hours but with the time difference we can get together. I am divorced now but in contact with ex and she said that she can not understand why she could have done this and that yes all the nice things the BS done is noticed but just deep in the mind, I hope that your WW´s feelings for you would come up. You are in my thoughts. My thought about OM is that he does not care and by contacting him just help him with his ego trip and the more you fight the more he will even if it is not about your WW but just to be the winner. Work on your WW you 2 have a connection. If you work on WW OM might get burned out but if you work on him he will see this as OM and WW against BS. Hope you get my point....it is only an opinion.

Van

How are you doing?

Thanks for your thoughts on best place to put my energy. I’ll keep that in mind. Was at a convention this week end. I'll keep MSMessenger open and hope to see you on it to talk. When is the best time to reach you?.

DLK21

I would proceed with caution. I wanted to send an email debasing my wife and their relationship as well as his endowment muhahahaha!. The kind people here talked me out of it.

If you know the character (player/ druggie/ etc.) of the OP then perhaps you can make a more informed decision. The OM in my sitch has been with another married woman before. I doubt anything I say will change his mind, although he is paranoid that he will get his head bashed in if any of my brother's friends see him. Hence, they do not date.

Can you reach his family and expose the A to them? I think that might be more effective.

Once sent you cannot retrieve it.