Dear friend just left me a message--said "I just heard you and toolman (FWH) are separted. Please call and let me know what I can do!"

Very nice of her, except, toolman is sitting across the room from me. Toolman must have told her H what his plans were, but hasn't told me yet. (I've been out of town with the kids on an overnight trip to mom's, so he must have decided, but didn't tell me yet.)

I gave him the phone to hear the message (since the kids are here) and he just shrugged and left the room. What should I think now?

Tell your husband I think he is a wuss. Nothing worse than hearing things from someone else. I heard lots of things from neighbors, friends, workmates, and even my family. When I heard, it was very obvious that my husband had been talking to them.

That's when I started actively disliking him. He wasn't man enough to tell me first.

he is a huge WUSS...and a coward.

Id say that if you two are separated, then he should behave as a separated man and not mooch off you, eating your meals you prepare, staying in your home, you washing his clothes, you cleaning his living space, you being a good Mrs. Toolman...I'd say that if he wants to be a cakeman, then he'd best get used to having a single layer cake as the second layer says to leave.

That makes me fume! and I am already fuming from the XWS I have...wish I could get rid of totally. arrrrrgh.

ask him that in order to avoid such awkward moments as this, could you take out an ad in the paper? or notify the local media? tell him that you are considering selling the story to the papparazzi.

You know...you could remind him of how "tactful" about a decade ago Burt Reynolds was to Loni Andersen when she found out her divorce by hearing helicopters overhead and journalists beating down her door. She found out she was getting served by watching her own tv...her own gutless wonder of a cheating WS husband couldn't do it like a real man.

Well, now it's just the cold shoulder,,,toolman went down in the home office, hiding out probably until the kids go to bed. Then I guess it's a hasty retreat to his worthless brother's house for more IMA bashing.

This is what I get for giving him a break from the kids and agreeing to go back to MC? See? This is why I shouldn't have gone back to plan A. I feel like a fool.

THe only reason he must have wanted me in MC was so he could get his ducks in order. Now, I'm humiliated once again. My good friend's husband is very involved in our business, too, so it's doubly humiliating.

I've been really nice for the past week or so, and spending time together as a family, etc. I guess it was all a big sham on his part. Oh well...I guess it's time to go commando and get this thing moving. He's the one who cheated with a 21 year old, and he some how feels like it's ok for him to initiate the S?

How spineless, and very much a passive aggresive way to let you know he wants to leave.

IMHO, I think you can expect all his future fogged-out schemes to be somewhat smiliar to this. Very avoidance driven where he feels he doesn't have to be the bad guy or face you in confrontations.

Yep, now he's retreated to the bedroom and is pretending to be asleep. I guess it wasn't convenient to separate tonight, huh?

He's waiting for me to paint the ceilings and get the house fixed up...then he's going to want me to leave. I don't know how some folks here can keep trying when faced with so many lies. I'm pretty much fed up.

Here I was, busting my butt to try to make things work for the sake of the kids, and look where it gets me. I feel like an idiot for not filing earlier. I guess it's time to head down to the lawyer's. This sucks.

Why not Plan B? Why straight to D?

Also, you are not the one that leaves. "IF" anyone leaves, its him -- the one who cheated.

You and the kids stay in the house. No negoiation on that.

Resilient-
Plan B is to break up the A. He's done with the A. He just doesn't want to be part of the M anymore.

FWH wants me out of the house, but I think you're right. Screw him. He can leave, then we can sell the b!tch. I have a really high EN for respect, and he's just stepping all over it.

iamanotherone....

Plan B is not to break up the affair. Neither is Plan A, really. It is a hoped for side-effect, but not the purpose.

Read up again, 'kay?

That's really sucky the way you found out about your "separation" (can ya see the eye rolling here?). I'm sorry.

Aislinn,
According to my reading, and maybe I'm understanding it incorrectly,
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
Harley only recommends plan B to end the affair, unless abuse is present.

Plan B is essentially what my H wants...to get me out of the house permanently, via a separation. Not sure if I'm understanding this correctly, but I don't see many folks going to plan B unless there is an ongoing affair.

Your thoughts?

After reading, I'm not sure still how the friend found out about the seperation. Are we sure FWH talked to friends H? We all know how rumor mills start and keep going.

I don't know what to say about him hiding out in the office or bedroom, but I would say until you ask him and he answers you, jumping to conclusions about what's going on could be lethal to your marriage. He might be leaving, he might not be. He may have been thinking out loud while staring at a fly on the wall and someone could have overheard it.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Drexell, Thanks for giving FWH the benefit of the doubt.

He doesn't deserve it though. He admitted that he told my friend's husband, but that's all he's said.


My friend lives in another state and has no access to information about our M through the "rumor mill." H HAD to tell her H about this. Her message said her H told her.

I'm going to follow your signature line and just deal with today.

Ima -- I'm very sorry you had to find out like that. I would agree that if it was his intention for you to find out by way of your friend, that's a rather cowardly thing to do. But if he does like some guys do and talk smack to his guy friends (locker room talk) it could be something else. Might be worth looking into.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IMA,

Confront him and ask him point blank what is going on. If it is his intention to leave you should know.

From my side I have probably told people it is over about 100 times over these last three years and then for some reason I change my mind.

I understand you have a trust issue, we all do, but there is no reason for you to beat yourself up until you know the truth.

If you are uncomfortable asking him then go to the other source the person that left the message.

Do not tell them that was the first you heard of it. Find out what they know and when they found out.

Then you can at least deal with toolman knowing the truth.

Like I said me and my FWW have been over so many times it is on the verge of being ridiculous.

IMA - have you called your friend to find out why she thinks you're getting separated?

Well, two can play this game. I suggest you see an attorney ASAP. Find out what the laws are in your locale regarding separation and what you should be doing or avoid doing to make sure you aren't the one to leave and how to make sure your H has to help cover joint debts. You can ususally get a free consultation, but you'll have to fork over some $$ to retain an attorney after that. If it comes to that, and you need to use joint money, only then tell your H you "had" to spend the money.

H claims he was just venting to a friend, and can't remember exactly what he said. I don't really believe that, but I can't refute it, either.

I'm a big believer in the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words." I'm constantly reminding FWH of this fact. Yesterday, he cancelled the MC appt. for today. No explanation. To me, that speaks.

He keeps trying to get me to agree to a "Controlled Separation" as outlined in the book by Lee Raffel. I just read his version of the controlled separation contract, and it looks like he wants to separate for 4 months.

His definition of this means he'll sleep elsewhere for 3 days per week, and on Sundays, me and H will spend with the kids. One date per week, and he IS intending to date others during the separation.

I don't see anything in this that will possibly benefit me. Looks like H just needs someone to take care of the kids while he goes out on the town.

I'll say it again...this sucks. Guess the D is coming--time for the lawyer. Oh, yeah, and in the contract, I'm supposed tosign that I WON'T contact an attorney to file for the next 4 months. WTH?

But could you maybe date an attorney during those 4 months? It seems only fair.

What is the benefit to you to signing this "contract"?

Pio-
I like the idea, but most of the lawyers I know are [censored]. (Sorry, Mr. W, that doesn't include you.) Obviously, there is NOTHING to benefit me in this contract. Funny thing, I am a contracts analyst--I find it amazing FWH would think I'd consider such an arrangement. Is there such a thing as being "in the fog" even if you've finished up the A months ago?

Furthermore, I've come to find FWH is VERY CONCERNED I'm going to clean out all the accounts and just disappear. I used to just dismiss this fear as irrational on his part. It NEVER occurred to me to take so much as a dime.

But now, I'm starting to wonder if FWH isn't so afraid because HE HIMSELF is entertaining the idea of hiding a bunch of our $$$ to keep me away from it. Guess I better buckle in--it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

IMA

I think if I were you I would see an attorney.

If not for anyother reason to get a piece of mind about what you will be in for.

Make sure you take an inventory of all of your assets ASAP including cash.

I agree with you that this contract does not benefit you at all.

I really don't know what to tell you other then it seems like he still wants to sow his oats. If you agree to his contract he will not be having an A while he is away.

This seems like the ultimate cake eating to me.

Stay strong let him know that you don't agree. Remeber POJA. If he decides that is what he wants to do let him know that you might as well get a D then because that is the only place this can lead. This will put you no closer to recovery. It will actually cause more harm.

Sounds like he wants a trial period to find out what he is worth on the open market. If he doesn't get a good enough offer he may decide that keeping what he has is a better option for him. With that being said how would you feel about being the consolation prize?

Thanks for the advice. I think I might go through later and do some purging on my comments, just in case Toolman logs on to check on me. I suppose it's pretty sad that I can't trust my own H not to run off with all the $$$ and then turn around and D me. I feel like I'm in a bad Lifetime Movie.

FWH has encouraged me to pursue a new job in a field that interests me. Today, I was supposed to do some important background work, via some meetings at city hall, to prepare for tonight's big meeting.

I get ready for the meeting, and walk out the door, saying, "I'm dropping DS5 off at summer camp, then going downtowm for my research." FWH says, "Oh, well I'm planning on going surfing, so I guess we'll have to leave DD9 home alone."

First, let me say FWH would have NEVER left either child alone for even a few minutes before. This is his attempt to pull the strings on me, so I can't make it to the meeting, and blow the interview. He HAS to go surfing right now? Is it an epic surf day? No. Is he even that much of a surfer? No--he's really not good at it at all. But here we are, on a Wednesday morning, when I have an important meeting scheduled, and he decides he HAS to surf right now.

So I missed my meeting. Great start when you want a new job, huh? Guess what else? He hasn't even gone surfing yet...still diddling around the house an hour later. I COULD have gone to the meeting after all, but he decided to hold me captive here.

I'm really steaming mad, and just had to vent. Sorry.

Why miss your meeting? Why not go to the meeting, afterwards (or before) ask a friendly policemen standing around about what recourse there is if your H left DD9 home alone to go surfing? Let them know where you live, perhaps they could go to the house to check things out...

Yep, he WILL play passive-aggressive games with you until you stop playing...he got what HE wanted in this situation.

Why couldn't you take DD9 with you?


(BTW, check out Recovery, there is a thread there with some VERY good advice by some VERY experienced people who have been dealing with this for awhile...)

IMA,

Let me tell you I have a thread going about Plan B and staying in the same home.

Someone told me no way it can really work. Someone else suggested a 180 and gave me a list of things to try.

For the last week I have been in 180 mode because nothing was working so why the heck not try it.

My FWW is PA as well. I read the thread and did some research on my own. Links in that thread as well.

My FWW is actually responding to the 180 better then anything up until this point.

I have had to withdraw from her and I told her I am trying to decide if I even want this M anymore. I told her I love her very much but I don't know if I want this anymore.

Last night we had a conversation about something that has affected our M in a negative way. Or actually she was telling me about the problem without making the corolation(sp) about how it affected our M. I let her talk yesterday for about an hour about it which brought the total up to about 11 hours she has talked about it this week. When I made the corolation she said "thanks for kicking me when I am already down, I knew you were going to do that" I said I am sorry for sharing my feelings about it. I guess I should have just listened to your feelings and not expressed mine. Again I am sorry. I walked out of the room. She came out and actually apologized. This morning she apologized again. Still doesn't want to talk about it but at least she apololgized.

She knows I am serious because I have not asked her to fill one of my most important needs.

Maybe the 180 will work for you too.