4. The OP is not necessarily more attractive or sexier than the betrayed spouse (BS). Most of the time the affair partner is no better in bed than the BS, it’s just that the intense emotional involvement makes it seem so, especially for women. Also, the OP is often chosen more for his/her incompatibility with the WS than for any similarities; the greater the differences, the more intense the relationship.
I did this very thing. And it really puzzles me. Why would a WS choose someone who was so VERY different from themselves?
Hiya MM, how are you doing?
About your question.. I guess it's the old "opposites attract" thing.
Could be that the more incompatible, the more it can remain a phantasy and not enter the realm of "real life" (and thereby threaten it's existence) ?
I dunno.
I only know that I used to look for opposites when I was younger..
And that I really want to find an "equal" now.
Funny stuff.
One arguement is that it fits with the overall fantasy and novelty. And often a "delta" helps with the justifications.
JMHO
WAT
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Rabbits have an inefficient digestive system that requires them to eat their own poop for another pass.
Interesting- I guess for me it was because I was attracted by something new, exciting, not the same old same old.....
I just thought that "different" than my BH would mean better, and opposite from me would be exciting.....
How dumb, in retrospect.....
Hiya MM, how are you doing?
About your question.. I guess it's the old "opposites attract" thing.
Could be that the more incompatible, the more it can remain a phantasy and not enter the realm of "real life" (and thereby threaten it's existence) ?
I dunno.
I only know that I used to look for opposites when I was younger..
And that I really want to find an "equal" now.
Funny stuff.
Hi Mrs. Rob!
I'm ok. Still a bit foggy, but I think I'm coming along. Tomorrow is the OM's BD, so I figure once that day passes, It'll be down hill from there in terms of keeping to the NC.
How are YOU? Has your H stopped name calling?
I agree w/ you that opposites do attract, for example, my husband and I are opposites in many ways. I'm outgoing, he's introverted, ect... However, we are very similar in our world views, values, goals ect...
My OM was not only opposite me, but he and I had almost NO similarities or even common ground on anything. WE disagreed on religious matters as well as political ones. Honestly, I can't think of ONE thing we had in common. Even our upbringings were different.
Weird. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
And, he approached me, which was exciting in itself....an old married has-been....
So so dumb......
One arguement is that it fits with the overall fantasy and novelty. And often a "delta" helps with the justifications.
JMHO
WAT
--------------------
Rabbits have an inefficient digestive system that requires them to eat their own poop for another pass.
Interesting.
How does a delta help w/ justification?
LOL @ your rabbit quote. I'm having a little trouble getting how it applies to this subject. (I'm blonde) Can you help me out?
Interesting- I guess for me it was because I was attracted by something new, exciting, not the same old same old.....
I just thought that "different" than my BH would mean better, and opposite from me would be exciting.....
How dumb, in retrospect.....
It is fascinating. B/c if I had been single, this guy wouldn't have stood a chance w/ me.
It's just so twisted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
There are probably times the WS is angry with the BS pre-A for unmet needs. So when they meet someone that meets one, if not some of their emotional needs BUT IN ADDITION are opposite in character of their spouse, they wrongly surmise or deduce that person is right for them because they are BS-antagonistic, fueled by their anger with the BS.
Just my theory.
Jo
How does a delta help w/ justification?
Well, if the OP was the same as the faithful spouse, why have an affair?
The rabbit quote is just a recognition that truth is frequently WAY more stranger than fiction and things that are "natural" don't necessarily have to make sense. Male nipples is another one.
WAT
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Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.
There are probably times the WS is angry with the BS pre-A for unmet needs. So when they meet someone that meets one, if not some of their emotional needs BUT IN ADDITION are opposite in character of their spouse, they wrongly surmise or deduce that person is right for them because they are BS-antagonistic, fueled by their anger with the BS.
Just my theory.
Jo
Jo,
You are one of the most insightful people on MB. I think your theory is right on.
Heartsore
Exactly, I lived same thing.. OM never could have any change with me if I were be single...
So what happened? for me, I was so connected with him, as a result of our conversation, he showed interest in me, I felt "in love" again. ...poor fantasy...
No I understand that I was in love of been in love nor of OM.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
There are probably times the WS is angry with the BS pre-A for unmet needs. So when they meet someone that meets one, if not some of their emotional needs BUT IN ADDITION are opposite in character of their spouse, they wrongly surmise or deduce that person is right for them because they are BS-antagonistic, fueled by their anger with the BS.
Just my theory.
Jo
Interesting theory.
Could be.
I think my A had more to do w/ wanting approval. It's weird that I wanted it from my polar opposite. Someone who I could NEVER have made a real relationship w/.
Weird thing is that OW in my case was attracted to my H because she thought him to be different from her H..
While they were both equally unable to speak about their emotions..
Both conflict avoiders..
Both the "wanting to always be right about things" type..
Well, if the OP was the same as the faithful spouse, why have an affair?
Hmmmm, I guess you're right. Then maybe it's more than just getting your EN's met...it's also an interest in finding someone utterly wrong for you as well.
I wonder if this is done subconsciously to ensure the demise of the R at some point.
The rabbit quote is just a recognition that truth is frequently WAY more stranger than fiction and things that are "natural" don't necessarily have to make sense. Male nipples is another one.
WAT
Ahhh, ok.
-------------------
Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.
LOL I need your help again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
[quote
Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.
LOL I need your help again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]
So you don't put stuff in the head that can clog it up. (head = a nautical toilet) Very nasty to unclog.
WAT
[quote
Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.
LOL I need your help again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
So you don't put stuff in the head that can clog it up. (head = a nautical toilet) Very nasty to unclog.
WAT [/quote]
Ohhhhhh, I get it. Ok, thanks, WAT.
Phew! *wipes brow* Thank goodness you didn't have another quote about poop, that I'd need to ask you to explain. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I think it's multifaceted...and I agree with a lot of the elelments put forth..just adding one extra that hasn't been touched on yet...
An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A] may be overlooked as a THREAT and thus fly under the radar of BOTH the BS and the OP.
They are that person who just never did it for you...maybe you didn't have anything in common...didn't get along...maybe they had a handicap...or you didn't find them particularly attractive physically...the list could go on and on.
This type of OP is *common* but certainly not the rule and when it happens I usually suspect that they got close enough to meet those needs because they were intitially dismissed as object of attraction material and the boundaries were not guarded with the same intensity that a person might with someone who they RECOGNIZED as attractive to them at an earlier point.
I think it's multifaceted...and I agree with a lot of the elelments put forth..just adding one extra that hasn't been touched on yet...
An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A] may be overlooked as a THREAT and thus fly under the radar of BOTH the BS and the OP.
They are that person who just never did it for you...maybe you didn't have anything in common...didn't get along...maybe they had a handicap...or you didn't find them particularly attractive physically...the list could go on and on.
This type of OP is *common* but certainly not the rule and when it happens I usually suspect that they got close enough to meet those needs because they were intitially dismissed as object of attraction material and the boundaries were not guarded with the same intensity that a person might with someone who they RECOGNIZED as attractive to them at an earlier point.
I like it.
So they allowed them to get close because they were never perceived as a threat to the marriage due to lack of attraction.
This is the exact thing that really gets me. WBF and I are alot alike. The OW in my case was the COMPLETE opposite. She's black. I'm white. She's thin. I'm heavy. She's 42. I'm 24. Different interests. Different lifestyle. Different everything. Her being so opposite and WBF being so attracted to her is a real bone of contention with me right now.
Thanks for the insight.
I think it's multifaceted...and I agree with a lot of the elelments put forth..just adding one extra that hasn't been touched on yet...
An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A] may be overlooked as a THREAT and thus fly under the radar of BOTH the BS and the OP.
They are that person who just never did it for you...maybe you didn't have anything in common...didn't get along...maybe they had a handicap...or you didn't find them particularly attractive physically...the list could go on and on.
This type of OP is *common* but certainly not the rule and when it happens I usually suspect that they got close enough to meet those needs because they were intitially dismissed as object of attraction material and the boundaries were not guarded with the same intensity that a person might with someone who they RECOGNIZED as attractive to them at an earlier point.
Holy Crow! This is BRILLANT!!!
It makes perfect sense. It really does.
A WS will let their 'guard down' around the OM b/c they had already been dismissed as an object of attraction...
One question though...
An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A]
Can you explain what you mean by a WS mentality existing before the A?
I can't ever imagine ever loving anyone other than my loving H of thirty years, but if he passed before me and I decided I should date again, I would probably look for someone just like him because, afterall, he is wonderful.
But if he was not so wonderful, I would probably look for someone very different.
NOODLE!!!!!!
YOU WIN...YOU WIN...
An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A] may be overlooked as a THREAT and thus fly under the radar of BOTH the BS and the OP.
This is my ww exactly...this is what I meant when I said that ww didn't leave me for an A (per se) she was fogged before she met this dirtbag.
This type of OP is *common* but certainly not the rule and when it happens I usually suspect that they got close enough to meet those needs because they were intitially dismissed as object of attraction material and the boundaries were not guarded with the same intensity that a person might with someone who they RECOGNIZED as attractive to them at an earlier point
MY WIFE AGAIN....MY WIFE AGAIN....
Thanks Noodle, you just made my day with this little lightbulb moment.
Don't laugh at me.
I'm slow...read my thread...I've mentioned this before.
LOL
JS
Thanks Noodle, you just made my day with this little lightbulb moment.
Yup, she made my day as well.
Thanks SC.
Just some more related trivia.
Around the same time frame, the fetus's brain is washed over with embryonic fluid (hormones) from the mother in support of the gender brain differences.
Once for the male, and twice for the female.
Excellent! Precisely!
An intelligent design would have corrected for this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
WAT
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Kansas official State motto - "Maybe YOU evolved!"
I agree with noodle, but I also think there is a deeper underlying cause. When someone is unhappy and decides to try new experiences, they tend to do a little subconcious interpolation and binary searching.
One could theorize that how different OP is relative to the BS is proportional to either
1) How much the WS views the M troubles as caused by BS vs. internal issues
2) How extreme (I don't mean extreme in a negative way, but rather one side of the spectrum or another) the personality/characterisitcs of the BS.
Some very excellent responses I might add...and in fact, I was just speaking with a MB'er offline about this very issue...and maybe he can join in as he is in agreement on this very thing?
I believe it has to be a kinda lethal cocktail for a formerly "normal" behaving H or W to morph into a WS. Here are a few traits that I have noticed happening...when I went into divorce recovery workshop at church, this was also the sitch for many...
1)before becoming a Ws , the person has a traumatic event that is quite emotionally draining for them...for my xh, it was a huge lawsuit at work...and despite my pleading with him to open up, he clammed like never before.
2)the WS to be, somehow ties the traumatic event to his homelife...ex: my xh was viewing his stresses coming from home and work because at home there were bills to pay, a little boy who was very small at the time, yardwork, and generally non fantasy type stuff...real life stuff. And his work was stressful and there was in his fogged out stress filled mind "no way out"...
3)and along comes this NEUTRAL person they either knew before, or didn't know at all, and they opened up to this person about their issues, because this person did not remind them of any stressors in life they had...and suddenly the release of the stress via talking, etc...was enough to make the xh clam of mine think he was falling in love....when in reality he had a great marriage, loving child, and the world on a platter...
4)so basically there is alot of incorrect assumptions that a WS to be makes....and that there is transferrance of the stresses to the home...which in turn is also seen as the BS...who is tied to their homelife. They want an escape. The WS incorrectly thinks that the home is not one....even in a good marriage.
5)my old counselor said many WS have "poor coping skills" when it comes to stresses and she and I talked about this...and she said that the WS views us as many times as demanding or mean even if it is a simple, "hey honey...can u take out the trash?" stuff like that is twisted into home becoming viewed as a "place where my bills, all my bills come, where there are screaming kids who clamour for my attention, where life is comfy but mundane and predictable, and a place where MY needs (ws) are met, but I have to also expend energy meeting the EN's of OTHERS".
So...it's my thoughts that when these perceptions of the WS change, it brings about a potential affair. My xh saw the two other women as escape routes..He was sadly very very worried and stressed out over the lawsuits he had against his business at the time. I would try to be sweet, gentle and calming and talk to him...he would instead rage and clam up...I also remember him coming home from work and marching directly down to his theatre room...slamming the door...and that my little ds who was a few years younger than he is now, would follow his daddy from the very second he'd arrive home, and then follow daddy down to the theatre room and cry when his dad would slam the door shut.
He even said at time when fog was on the verge of being as thick as pea soup this, "bring me my dinner in here and drop it off. I will come out after ds is asleep. I can't handle anything right now". My son used to cry for hours. The x, then WS, really imho, needed professional help, but refused to seek anything...the OP was seem as therapy in my case...
Now to address another issue...the "opposite factor"...yes, my xh choosed also the exact opposite of me when choosing affair partners. Both were tall. Didn't exude the whole "all american apple pie" look...both looked like x strippers...skinny as rails...could stand to eat an extra 1000 calories a day or maybe just simply eat...and had personality disorders...first one (and both ow overlapped too) was a complete codependent and even said she was DIAGNOSED as one..she was the "shrink" for him when he did the clam thing...and the other, his present wistress wifey, has such poor self esteem that she has stuck around during four (that is now confirmed) other documented affairs he has had since marrying him and endured spousal abuse and mental abuse...both look different also...one with platinum bleached out blonde hair much shorter than mine with surgically altered lips (think angelina jolie) who is white as a ghost and drives a motorcycle to the present wistress who has dark hair (long because they're hair extensions), and surgically altered everything...and is even considering bleaching her freckles now! And they were not as educated as me...
sadly my xh never ever got help. He never was willing to open up to a real professional psych and air the issues ever at all. He doesn't believe he has a problem...and substitues now his happiness with personal possessions and throwing wild over the top parties at his home. (3 in the last few weeks). And he has gotten progressively worse...
So...anybody see MISPLACED STRESSORS as a cause for why?
Have you noticed a combo of events also? The stress/trauma event/clam up?
Well, I think Dr. Pittman pretty much makes a romantic affair out to be a misplaced narcissistic and unconscious desire to suffer in the name of love and romance, so it would only make sense that choosing someone incompatible would increase this suffering.
I read another theory that I realize sounds strange, but the drive seems to be an unconscious urge to recreate a situation from the past that left a deep-seated emptiness and make it work out this time. And if that isn't strange enough -- the problem can develop as a result of a serious flaw in the relationship with one or both parents.