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4. The OP is not necessarily more attractive or sexier than the betrayed spouse (BS). Most of the time the affair partner is no better in bed than the BS, it’s just that the intense emotional involvement makes it seem so, especially for women. Also, the OP is often chosen more for his/her incompatibility with the WS than for any similarities; the greater the differences, the more intense the relationship.


I did this very thing. And it really puzzles me. Why would a WS choose someone who was so VERY different from themselves?

Last edited by Marshmallow; 09/13/06 01:48 PM.
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Hiya MM, how are you doing?
About your question.. I guess it's the old "opposites attract" thing.
Could be that the more incompatible, the more it can remain a phantasy and not enter the realm of "real life" (and thereby threaten it's existence) ?
I dunno.
I only know that I used to look for opposites when I was younger..
And that I really want to find an "equal" now.
Funny stuff.


[color:"purple"]When we lose sight of the well being of others, it is like losing sight in one eye. (the Dalai Lama)[/color]
The Neutral Zone Theory
Doing the right thing vs being a good boy/girl
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One arguement is that it fits with the overall fantasy and novelty. And often a "delta" helps with the justifications.

JMHO

WAT
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Rabbits have an inefficient digestive system that requires them to eat their own poop for another pass.

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Interesting- I guess for me it was because I was attracted by something new, exciting, not the same old same old.....

I just thought that "different" than my BH would mean better, and opposite from me would be exciting.....

How dumb, in retrospect.....


Me FWW 36 BH 50 D-day 1 2/18/06 D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA) NC 3/28/06 and going strong 7 total children Mine/ours live with us DS 15 DD 12 DD 21 months "With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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Hiya MM, how are you doing?
About your question.. I guess it's the old "opposites attract" thing.
Could be that the more incompatible, the more it can remain a phantasy and not enter the realm of "real life" (and thereby threaten it's existence) ?
I dunno.
I only know that I used to look for opposites when I was younger..
And that I really want to find an "equal" now.
Funny stuff.

Hi Mrs. Rob!

I'm ok. Still a bit foggy, but I think I'm coming along. Tomorrow is the OM's BD, so I figure once that day passes, It'll be down hill from there in terms of keeping to the NC.

How are YOU? Has your H stopped name calling?

I agree w/ you that opposites do attract, for example, my husband and I are opposites in many ways. I'm outgoing, he's introverted, ect... However, we are very similar in our world views, values, goals ect...

My OM was not only opposite me, but he and I had almost NO similarities or even common ground on anything. WE disagreed on religious matters as well as political ones. Honestly, I can't think of ONE thing we had in common. Even our upbringings were different.

Weird. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by Marshmallow; 09/13/06 01:16 PM.
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And, he approached me, which was exciting in itself....an old married has-been....

So so dumb......


Me FWW 36 BH 50 D-day 1 2/18/06 D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA) NC 3/28/06 and going strong 7 total children Mine/ours live with us DS 15 DD 12 DD 21 months "With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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One arguement is that it fits with the overall fantasy and novelty. And often a "delta" helps with the justifications.

JMHO

WAT
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Rabbits have an inefficient digestive system that requires them to eat their own poop for another pass.

Interesting.

How does a delta help w/ justification?

LOL @ your rabbit quote. I'm having a little trouble getting how it applies to this subject. (I'm blonde) Can you help me out?

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Interesting- I guess for me it was because I was attracted by something new, exciting, not the same old same old.....

I just thought that "different" than my BH would mean better, and opposite from me would be exciting.....

How dumb, in retrospect.....

It is fascinating. B/c if I had been single, this guy wouldn't have stood a chance w/ me.

It's just so twisted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

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There are probably times the WS is angry with the BS pre-A for unmet needs. So when they meet someone that meets one, if not some of their emotional needs BUT IN ADDITION are opposite in character of their spouse, they wrongly surmise or deduce that person is right for them because they are BS-antagonistic, fueled by their anger with the BS.

Just my theory.

Jo

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How does a delta help w/ justification?

Well, if the OP was the same as the faithful spouse, why have an affair?

The rabbit quote is just a recognition that truth is frequently WAY more stranger than fiction and things that are "natural" don't necessarily have to make sense. Male nipples is another one.

WAT
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Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.

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There are probably times the WS is angry with the BS pre-A for unmet needs. So when they meet someone that meets one, if not some of their emotional needs BUT IN ADDITION are opposite in character of their spouse, they wrongly surmise or deduce that person is right for them because they are BS-antagonistic, fueled by their anger with the BS.
Just my theory.
Jo

Jo,
You are one of the most insightful people on MB. I think your theory is right on.
Heartsore


BH = Me 38; WW = 35; DS = 5, DD = 3, DD = 14 mo.
Feb 2006 = EA/PA started
May 19 & Aug. 15, 2006 = D-Days
Nov. 3, 2006 = Divorce Papers - (EA/PA ongoing)
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Exactly, I lived same thing.. OM never could have any change with me if I were be single...
So what happened? for me, I was so connected with him, as a result of our conversation, he showed interest in me, I felt "in love" again. ...poor fantasy...
No I understand that I was in love of been in love nor of OM.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

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There are probably times the WS is angry with the BS pre-A for unmet needs. So when they meet someone that meets one, if not some of their emotional needs BUT IN ADDITION are opposite in character of their spouse, they wrongly surmise or deduce that person is right for them because they are BS-antagonistic, fueled by their anger with the BS.

Just my theory.

Jo

Interesting theory.

Could be.

I think my A had more to do w/ wanting approval. It's weird that I wanted it from my polar opposite. Someone who I could NEVER have made a real relationship w/.

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Weird thing is that OW in my case was attracted to my H because she thought him to be different from her H..
While they were both equally unable to speak about their emotions..
Both conflict avoiders..
Both the "wanting to always be right about things" type..


[color:"purple"]When we lose sight of the well being of others, it is like losing sight in one eye. (the Dalai Lama)[/color]
The Neutral Zone Theory
Doing the right thing vs being a good boy/girl
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Well, if the OP was the same as the faithful spouse, why have an affair?


Hmmmm, I guess you're right. Then maybe it's more than just getting your EN's met...it's also an interest in finding someone utterly wrong for you as well.

I wonder if this is done subconsciously to ensure the demise of the R at some point.

Quote
The rabbit quote is just a recognition that truth is frequently WAY more stranger than fiction and things that are "natural" don't necessarily have to make sense. Male nipples is another one.

WAT


Ahhh, ok.
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Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.


LOL I need your help again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

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Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.


LOL I need your help again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

So you don't put stuff in the head that can clog it up. (head = a nautical toilet) Very nasty to unclog.

WAT

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[quote
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Speaking of poop - do not put anything in the head that has not already been in your mouth.


LOL I need your help again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So you don't put stuff in the head that can clog it up. (head = a nautical toilet) Very nasty to unclog.

WAT [/quote]

Ohhhhhh, I get it. Ok, thanks, WAT.

Phew! *wipes brow* Thank goodness you didn't have another quote about poop, that I'd need to ask you to explain. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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I think it's multifaceted...and I agree with a lot of the elelments put forth..just adding one extra that hasn't been touched on yet...

An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A] may be overlooked as a THREAT and thus fly under the radar of BOTH the BS and the OP.

They are that person who just never did it for you...maybe you didn't have anything in common...didn't get along...maybe they had a handicap...or you didn't find them particularly attractive physically...the list could go on and on.

This type of OP is *common* but certainly not the rule and when it happens I usually suspect that they got close enough to meet those needs because they were intitially dismissed as object of attraction material and the boundaries were not guarded with the same intensity that a person might with someone who they RECOGNIZED as attractive to them at an earlier point.

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I think it's multifaceted...and I agree with a lot of the elelments put forth..just adding one extra that hasn't been touched on yet...

An OP who wouldn't stand a chance were you not slipping into WS mentality [which I personally believe exists independently and in fact predates the A] may be overlooked as a THREAT and thus fly under the radar of BOTH the BS and the OP.

They are that person who just never did it for you...maybe you didn't have anything in common...didn't get along...maybe they had a handicap...or you didn't find them particularly attractive physically...the list could go on and on.

This type of OP is *common* but certainly not the rule and when it happens I usually suspect that they got close enough to meet those needs because they were intitially dismissed as object of attraction material and the boundaries were not guarded with the same intensity that a person might with someone who they RECOGNIZED as attractive to them at an earlier point.

I like it.

So they allowed them to get close because they were never perceived as a threat to the marriage due to lack of attraction.

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This is the exact thing that really gets me. WBF and I are alot alike. The OW in my case was the COMPLETE opposite. She's black. I'm white. She's thin. I'm heavy. She's 42. I'm 24. Different interests. Different lifestyle. Different everything. Her being so opposite and WBF being so attracted to her is a real bone of contention with me right now.

Thanks for the insight.


WW(Me)- 35
FWH-48
Married 10yrs (12/22/06), together 16 years
3 Children- DD7, DD9, DD12
FWH-D-Day- 05/15/06- 07/26/06
Married 12/22/06
Me-EA/PA began 01/28/17
moved out 2/7/17
Divorce filed 3/1/17
previous PA approx 2010-2011
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