I miss me - 09/16/06 01:22 PM
WH wanted to talk last night. I really didn't want to because I honestly can't think of a thing I wanted to say to him other than "Get the **** out of my life!" But we talked. He said his relationship with OW was "wrong." Period. No excuses, no denials, just wrong. Weird. I guess that means he's trying, but he still doesn't get that I am actually a person and that his "talking" doesn't solve the whole thing since it doesn't include any listening.
Nonetheless, as we were talking I told him that I was trying to figure out just what exactly we were trying to save. I'll never feel safe with him again. He took a sledge hammer to the foundation of our lives and I'm not sure exactly what it is we're trying to build on. I was so caught off guard by his sudden efforts that I actually said, "I want my old marriage back. I want my old husband back." In the light of day I see that for what it is . . . a lie, and a pretty stupid one at that. My old marriage sucked. My old husband was no prize either.
I'm realizing this morning that what I really want back is the old me. I worked like a dog to make sure our house ran well, to make sure that we had a "peaceful" environment. I loved to clean. I loved to cook. I loved to budget. I loved the way home felt when everything was done for the night and dinner was on the table by 6:30. I took a lot of pride in making sure my family didn't have to waste their nights and weekends catching up housework for the week. I took a lot of pride in knowing every assignment, every due date, every project my kids had at school. I enjoyed being organized and efficient.
Now I just don't care. I paid the water bill, the phone bill, and the satellite bill late this month because I can't seem to pull my head out of my butt. I haven't cooked a decent meal in a month. I've missed every fundraiser due date for all three kids. My sink is full of dishes and my laundry is piled up and I just don't care. All I can think of is that, while I was running this well-oiled machine to keep the pressure off of my husband, he was miserable. Now I'm miserable. I hate this new me.
Nonetheless, as we were talking I told him that I was trying to figure out just what exactly we were trying to save. I'll never feel safe with him again. He took a sledge hammer to the foundation of our lives and I'm not sure exactly what it is we're trying to build on. I was so caught off guard by his sudden efforts that I actually said, "I want my old marriage back. I want my old husband back." In the light of day I see that for what it is . . . a lie, and a pretty stupid one at that. My old marriage sucked. My old husband was no prize either.
I'm realizing this morning that what I really want back is the old me. I worked like a dog to make sure our house ran well, to make sure that we had a "peaceful" environment. I loved to clean. I loved to cook. I loved to budget. I loved the way home felt when everything was done for the night and dinner was on the table by 6:30. I took a lot of pride in making sure my family didn't have to waste their nights and weekends catching up housework for the week. I took a lot of pride in knowing every assignment, every due date, every project my kids had at school. I enjoyed being organized and efficient.
Now I just don't care. I paid the water bill, the phone bill, and the satellite bill late this month because I can't seem to pull my head out of my butt. I haven't cooked a decent meal in a month. I've missed every fundraiser due date for all three kids. My sink is full of dishes and my laundry is piled up and I just don't care. All I can think of is that, while I was running this well-oiled machine to keep the pressure off of my husband, he was miserable. Now I'm miserable. I hate this new me.