WH wanted to talk last night. I really didn't want to because I honestly can't think of a thing I wanted to say to him other than "Get the **** out of my life!" But we talked. He said his relationship with OW was "wrong." Period. No excuses, no denials, just wrong. Weird. I guess that means he's trying, but he still doesn't get that I am actually a person and that his "talking" doesn't solve the whole thing since it doesn't include any listening.

Nonetheless, as we were talking I told him that I was trying to figure out just what exactly we were trying to save. I'll never feel safe with him again. He took a sledge hammer to the foundation of our lives and I'm not sure exactly what it is we're trying to build on. I was so caught off guard by his sudden efforts that I actually said, "I want my old marriage back. I want my old husband back." In the light of day I see that for what it is . . . a lie, and a pretty stupid one at that. My old marriage sucked. My old husband was no prize either.

I'm realizing this morning that what I really want back is the old me. I worked like a dog to make sure our house ran well, to make sure that we had a "peaceful" environment. I loved to clean. I loved to cook. I loved to budget. I loved the way home felt when everything was done for the night and dinner was on the table by 6:30. I took a lot of pride in making sure my family didn't have to waste their nights and weekends catching up housework for the week. I took a lot of pride in knowing every assignment, every due date, every project my kids had at school. I enjoyed being organized and efficient.

Now I just don't care. I paid the water bill, the phone bill, and the satellite bill late this month because I can't seem to pull my head out of my butt. I haven't cooked a decent meal in a month. I've missed every fundraiser due date for all three kids. My sink is full of dishes and my laundry is piled up and I just don't care. All I can think of is that, while I was running this well-oiled machine to keep the pressure off of my husband, he was miserable. Now I'm miserable. I hate this new me.

Sorry to hear you hurting so badly. I know this really sucks for you right now, I felt the same way about a year ago. I just realized myself how awful my M was just before my H's A. But I do remember when it was wonderful. That is what you have to hold onto. There was a time wasn't there?

This will pass......give it some time. Get your head out of your butt and start doing those things again that you used to do. Find you again.

Take care,

Kim

I'm with you BrokenOne,

I'm just realizing that it's time to do a little reclaiming of "self" who doesn't rely on H for validation.

Broken - Good for you! You were radically honest!!

If you miss a part of your old life, then there was something there that satisfied your needs. Discover what that is. If your husband will get on board, the two of you can make a relationship that is BETTER than the one before.

It will take a long time to get trust back.

Ask some of the vets here how to move toward a radically NEW, WONDERFUL relationship. (and be prepared for suggestions to go to a MarriageBuilders weekend).

Together, read HNHN, by Harley. (I have not followed your thread - you may have...) Do the emotional needs questionaire.

We have all lost a lot of time over infidelity. We have been to the point of wanting to give up. But you will pass through that, and become stronger with it.

Pray hard!

{{{{{{{{{{{{BrokenOne}}}}}}}}}}}

far

I really do need to get over myself. The fact is, one can only become disillusioned if one has come to rely upon illusions in the first place. The illusion of my marriage is gone. I really need to choose forgiveness and build a real marriage in place of the false one I built in my mind, and forced him to go along with.

By being so willing to give up and walk away when his A was confronted, he hit me at my deepest, darkest fears. But in reality, that works both ways. I had hit him at his worst fears before he ever dreamed of going after mine. He needed to feel safe, and instead he felt criticized. He needed understanding, and instead he got demands.

I guess I was only a "good wife" on the surface. It's time to add some depth into the mix.

Man, self-discovery is exhausting!

Broken,
EN Questionnaire is in HN/HN. will he do it with you? if not, do it once for you & once for him.

self-discovery is exhausting...but very worthwhile!
before D-Day, I had no idea what my own EN were, let alone his!
hugs,
cgw

B1,

You sound like you are going through the phases of what a BS goes through. Please check out the book Giver/Taker. Like yourself, I too took pride in my work and my family. I was the giver until the A sucked the life right out of me and yep....things then went downhill. Now everything is a chore.

The part about recovery though is the chore is now shared. My giver does not as much OT as it used to, though to most everyone else it does. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He made the statement and that's it? Ask him what he is plan to help you in YOUR recovery?!?!!? Then sit back and see what he says vs what he does. You will have to patient for this phase. Guys are just slow on this kind of EN stuff.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

How funny you mention your giver not doing the OT it used to. I just got back from a three hour lunch with my husband. OMG!! Three Hours!! Just me and him, face to face, TALKING! I'm kind of in shock about it. Anyway, during the lunch he mentioned (nicely) that it made him furious when I went back to work full time and still wouldn't "let" him help around the house. I told him that I didn't object to him helping and he said that by the time he came home, everything was done and there was nothing left for him to do. It made him feel unnecessary. Talk about different love languages . . . What I saw as an act of love he saw as a rejection of him. He actually asked me to please let him share the housework from now on.

I did ask him last night what his plan was to help me. Actually, my words were, "What's in this for me?" He wasn't quite ready for that discussion (maybe because of the way I worded it?). He did initiate the talk last night, though, and he did initiate the lunch today and the conversation, so I'm not really sure if I should ask him outright what his plan is or just wait to see if his actions stay consistent. What do you think? He's honestly making more effort now than I've ever seen from him -- even after we were first married. I'm not sure I want to scare him off by making him verbalize his intentions. He grew up in a VERY abusive home and, now that I'm actually making an effort to understand him (gee, probably should have done that before walking down the aise, huh?), I can see where it would be very difficult for him to trust anyone with his thoughts & feelings. I can also see where I systematically shot him down any time he tried before. So, should I make him say it or just wait for his actions?

Am I setting myself up for a fall here? Is this another false hope? I'm so worried that I'm going to get sucked into his game again, but I'm also kind of excited at this new side of him.

"I'm so worried that I'm going to get sucked into his game again,
"

remember: it's your game now. you decide whether you are comfortable with what he's doing or not. you decide whether or not what he's doing, makes you want to equally work on things from your side.

Just remember to keep the game "fair", and tell him in a non angry/hurtful way, when what he is trying to do for you, isnt working for you. or whether you need it in a different way. etc.

" I'm not really sure if I should ask him outright what his plan is or just wait to see if his actions stay consistent. "

I think you need to do both. I think you need to see if his actions stay consistent.. AND you need to make sure that he has a plan. If he doesnt have one, then you should feel free to either suggest marriage counselling, or the steps in "surviving an affair" or both.

This is just an unqualified opinion... I havent gone through recovery myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> so take it for what it's worth. it's an "educated" opinion, at least <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok, so he has a mouth that can talk..... good. Now he's gotta put his effort where his mouth is. Mission is NOT accomplished so he can't take any bows.

You are probably still in shock about the sharing work business. Just to let you know many H's will say this as a last resort type of tactic. Know that there is more to this than he is saying. Mine babble that same line and when I gave him the work....well, let's just say it was and still is overwheleming for him so it wasn't 100% accurate from his side. But he said it and now has to make good on his word, so on the weekends I let him have the privilege of vacuuming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You still haven't uncovered the real reason but he has given you something to work with.

Learn how to tell babble from real truth. Finish reading His needs/Her needs and Giver/Taker. Then call Steve H @ MB for a recovery plan.

No need t/b setup for a fall. You've got the MB cushion and you are more aware about how an Xws can act.

Expect him to try and pull a fast one on you or take you to your limits. The advantage in your court is he has already said he wants t/d some of the housework....LET HIM. Might not be as good as yours and that's where you will have to hold back a bit. A little extra dust or misplaced objects never brought the house down. Moving the foundation would do that which is evquivalent to becoming a WS or having a sex change. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So you get t/d less and get more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.