I had an affair, and I need help. My wife does not know, and I need to tell her, but do not know how. The guilt is overwhelming, and I want to make things right. I know by the research I've done on the subject, that I will be putting her thru a great deal of pain, and that's going to be very difficult. My wife and I have been married for 15yrs. We have 3 children.

Background info: The OW and I worked together at the time, both married. I'm not sure how it started, but we eventually started talking. That was about 3yrs ago. In May 04 we started the PA. In Sept 05, we both agreed to end it. In Oct 05, about a month after ending it, her H found our emails and exposed the affair to her. They never exposed the A to my W or to our employer. Not sure why, if it was because the A was over, or for some other reason. Since then I have been terrified of my W finding out and losing my family for being so stupid and selfish. I've also been concerned for my safety - I now realize the pain he is going thru and that makes me anxious about vengence. In May of 06, her position was eliminated, so she does not work there anymore. From my understanding, they are trying to make things work.

I realize my actions were very selfish, but of course, not at the time. What I'm looking for now, is advise on how to tell my W about the affair.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Should I get IC first, or see a MC first before telling her?

Thanks.

46xy,

The truth does not need a counselor.

Sit her down,look her in the face and admit what you have done.

DO NOT LIE ABOUT ANYTHING regardless of what you feel about the subject.

And tell her you will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this up to her.

I GUARANTEE success if you follow these principles.

Best of luck

buy this book

here* <~~~ link

read it in 72 hours

then

tell her

no
IC/MC

just you and your wife

when she has stopped yelling/crying

tell her about the book

show her the book

hold her

Pep

46

I agree that you have to tell the full truth the first time out of the shoot. If you tell a little and then she finds out more later she will never believe that you are a trusting person ever again. I am the BH and I found out about my wife so I believe that if my wife had come to me, like you are about to do, it would have helped to show how wrong and sorry she was. You are doing the right thing. The two posts above are from some of the pros here.
Good luck and this is the first step in renewing a better marriage for both of you.
M2L

Telling your wife as suggested above has to be better than the way the OM in my sitch told his W. OM woke his wife (8 monhts preg) up at 5:00AM to say " I need to tell you something before the other womans H (me) calls you." The day I found out I told my wife that if the OM doesn't tell his wife, I would. I'm glad to see you are ready to man up
M2l

You have some good advice here...however, I would tell her tonight... and let her know that while you know you made a huge mistake that you are sorry, it was not her fault in anyway.. and tell the truth about everything she asks. Everything.
I personally feel that every day that you wait to tell her is another betrayal. You know what needs to be done... and hopefully it is out of conscience and not just fear of getting caught... so, now is the time to do it. Not tomorrow... not the weekend...now.
Good luck... and please let your W know about this site.

Another book, "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring, will give you a very insightful look at how each partner in a marriage is affected by an affair.

You have a long and rocky journey ahead.

Best wishes,
SD

I actually wish I had After the Affair on d-day. It is very good for both the WS and the BS. Of course Surviving an Affair and the Harley books are my favourites as well.

Tell her. MEDC is right. Every day from your affair till the day you tell her is going to be considered by her to be a lie and a sham. Make that time period shorter by telling her Today - not waiting and wrestling with this for more months.

Good news is that regardless of her initial reaction, you will most probably recover your marriage. If you follow the Harley principles on this site, I guarantee you will.

46xy,

I agree with Pep.

Arm yourself with tools you can use to help your wife.

A BIG mistake would be to lie about ANYTHING she asks you.

You will not be protecting her by lying about something you have already done. Answer any questions she has openly and honesty, remembering that lies don't protect her.

Only once the lies cease, can your marriage have a chance to begin to heal.

Thank you all for your advice, I will tell her tonight so the healing can begin. I realize the pain I'll be putting her through, but I know I have to do this. I'm going over lunch today to look for the books that were suggested, because I do not want to wait.

I put in the first post: "I've also been concerned for my safety - I now realize the pain he (OW H) is going thru and that makes me anxious about vengence." Revenge on me or my family.

This something that is stuck in the back of my head like a broken record. Is this silly thinking, or should I be concerned. Does anyone have any insight into this that they could share?

Thanks again for your advice.

I would be concerned. A few days after I found out the truth I was ready to hurt the OW. If I didn't have kids then I probably would have. Took everything I had not to go over there.

I am the BS and if my H had come to me instead of me finding out then we would be in a much better place right now. He also did not tell me the full details for a month b/c he thought he was protecting me. It just reopened the wound. The best thing for her is to be 100% honest up front. Be supportive when she loses it (b/c she will) and be calm. Going to her and coming clean will be the best for her overall. I wish my H had been man enough to do it.

Well, I told her last night after the kids went to bed. It was the most difficult thing in my life to do. I told her everything, and answered her questions truthfully. I cried a lot, she was in a state of shock. She is numb right now, and cant believe that I would do such a thing. She really wants me to find a different place to stay over the weekend, but I don't want to. I really do not want the children to know what's going on. I let her know that I want to stay and make the marriage work. Of course, anything I say at this point she has a difficult time believing, and I cant blame her. I thought that after I told her, I would feel a little relief from the guilt and shamefullness, but not really. Today is a very difficult day, and I need some direction. I did tell her about this site, and I'm going to order SAA as soon as I finish typing.

What should I do next?

Where do I go from here?

Thanks in advance

46xy- I'm glad you told her. It will be hard, she'll have a zillion questions she didnt' think to ask last night, she'll doubt all you say and feel like she's been living a lie. I hope you have done a good job since the A ended of trying to meet her needs- though you probably didnt know what they were.....have you been trying to be the best husband you can be?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about OW's H- if he's known since Oct 05, he's had almost a year and done nothing? I think you'll be okay in that respect. Keep your energies for saving your marriage and DOING what it takes (your words are worthless) to recover your M.

You have a long journey. I wish your wife the best- she is going to be going through h-e double hockey sticks...and there is nothing you can do about it.

Good for you for taking the first steps to save your M and to show your W the respect she deserves.
Comfort her in anyway you can.
He emotions will be all over the place.
Let her know how sorry you are.
I would say that if she needs time this weekend...let her know you would rather be there for her.. but that you will respect her wishes.
Earn her respect and trust back by beinbg transparent in all of your actions.
Read everything this site has to offer.
Love her.
Good luck.

I am so glad that you did the "right thing". This act has greatly improved your chances at recovery / reconsilliation.

It is my belief that the act of infidelity is not what does the greatest damage to the M. It is the lying / covering up afterward that does the greatest damage, To yourself and your betrayed spouse.

With that said: Here are a few things that can help you and your spouse.

1. You must be totally honest with you about everything
2. You must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. You must do everything in your power to prove to her that she is the one that you want to be with.
4. You must prove your love to her ... You must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. You must feel her pain.
6. You must fully understand the devastation that You caused her.
7. You must accept full responsibility for your actions.
8. You must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. You must reassure her that it is OK to ask questions.
10. You must reassure her that she will not drive you away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. You must recognize when she's struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort her.
12. You must be able to tell her how sorry You are and show her.
13. You must re-enforce to her, that she is not responsible.
14. You must put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help her heal first.
15. You must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with her and stay connected.
16. You must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. You must be willing to seek counseling.

Here is a list of things that she must do:

1. Give you the necessary time to prove your love and commitment to her.
2. Be open with her feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to her.
4. Don't be afraid that she will drive you away while she is trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming herself for your actions. She is in no way responsible for your choice to engage in an affair!
6. She must be able to let you connect with her. (this one takes time)
7. She must continue checking up on you in order to let her rebuild trust.
8. She must be willing to seek counseling so that she does not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery: such as anger or depression.

These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.


Stay Strong!

If you can, encourage your BS to post here. We can help her with this difficult journey!

I needed this as well ... mostly to protect my husband from my wanting to kick him in his sleep !!!!

If she asks you to do this ~only~ for a weekend, consider yourself blessed !

Pep

Thank you all for your advise. I'm tired now, it was a long night, now a long day, and I'm sure tonight will be even longer. It turns out, D-day (last night) was the 21yr anniversary of our engagement - how's that for timing.
I have been visiting this site for some time now, and have been putting information together in a document like links to discussions, articles, and websites that I can go back to, and also, hopefully, share with my wife to help her with the pain that I have caused. In my A, the OW and I never talked about being together, we each had our own separate lives (families) outside of the A, and we did not want that to end. I suppose much like having your cake and eating it too - I know very selfish. When the A was exposed, we both did not want our families to split up. I'm guessing we do not want to be responsible for breaking up one anothers families.
Is it normal for me to want to try to help her too? I do not want to have any contact with her, but since I put together this information, I want to share it with her so maybe it will help her out too. I feel responsible. Am I off my rocker here???

See #8 in the list of tasks for you!

It is difficult but NO CONTACT is essential.

Just as you would not send an alcoholic down to the corner bar to pick up a 6 pack of Coke. DO NOT contact her! Imagine the pain that will bring to your W right now!

No Contact (NC) means no contact FOREVER! If you really want to do your Other Woman (OW) a favor, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Let her work on her own marriage with her H.

Any contact from you will set back to progress of reconsilliation for not only you and your W but also for OW and OWH. I can garantee you that the Other Woman's Husband (OWH) will NOT welcome your interferrence.

Stay Strong!

You have gotten some great advice here.

Harley recommends the couple go on a trip and focus on one another. We were only able to do weekends, but that was a huge help for me.

Will she come here?

We would be able to offer her support as she goes through this.

Thank you WTF for the reminder on #8, and the advice!

Moveforward - I don't know if my wife (BS) will or not. I'm trying to, but not sure. She is not big on these sorts of things. It is still to early to tell, since she will not really even talk to me.

Right now she is furious with me and can't even stand looking at me. Like I said earlier, she does not want me around this weekend, so I'm staying someplace else. Right now, it's one day at a time. It's very painful to see her in so much pain - pain that I caused. Thanks again everyone for all your advise. BTW, I ordered SAA and HNHN today, so hopefully they will be in early next week so I (we) can get started on reading. I looked locally and around the surrounding area, but nobody had it in stock.

Thanks again,

46XY

46XY,

You will hear nothing but the most sincere of support from Ole’ Plank here.

I am certain that you did the right thing.

You will one day be able to say to yourself that even though you made some really bad choices you manned up to it all and were compassionate and caring toward your W.

You do this by doing the same thing that she will have to do.

You do all you can until you can’t do any more. This will either be enough or it won’t; but you can’t give up until you know that there is nothing left inside of you period.

These recovery efforts require that one person (usually) step up and be the leader first. You are that person, and your W will have a much easier time with her personal trials during all of this because you took the initiative to do the right things required of you to demonstrate sincere remorse.

I really wish you two the best.

Keep posting to let us know how you are doing. And for goodness sakes alive DO NOT employ any Lovebusters.

46,
I am a betrayed wife, so I can so understand where she is coming from.

I don't know her, so I am not sure how she is going to react. I know I did not want to talk about it to my friends, but I did have need to talk about it.

Please tell her about MB. If she wants to come here, great. If she would be more comfortable talking via email one on on with another woman, I would be happy to email with her. Just post to me and I will give you my email,ok?

Please purchase her a copy of Surviving an Affair today. Take it to her and ask her to read it. You read your copy. Ask her about seeing a marriage counselor. See if you can get in with Steve Harley for phone counseling. If that won't work, call on Dr. Harley's radio show.

You need a plan for recovery and that includes you taking a lot of inititive to help her heal.

She is not going to be real sure of what she needs to heal at first, so just be available to her.

Can you call her today and ask her to go to dinner with you? I would suggest a picnic. That way there are no oter diners or waiters too close to you.

She needs the opportunity to talk. She needs the opportunity to cry. heck, she needs the opportunity to scream and vent.

My IC said it is like the BS has been through a major trauma and needs to be in ICU. You, the WS are responsible for the trauma and you are responsible for her care.

You can't rush her, either. You have known about the affiar a lot longer than she has and are therefore much further along in your personal recovery that she is. Give her time.


Hang in there.

Here is some non-Harley advice .... based on our experience and our recovery

~~~>LET HER YELL AT YOU <~~~

say *nothing* in your own defense & *nothing* in OW's defense

and when she is finished expressing her rage

softly say

"I am here for you for as long as this takes"

if she stays with you ... say

"Do you need to be held?"

your presence is comforting
your "explainations" will be moot at this point

explainations come ~after~ she's run out of rage

remember

her expressing rage is a good thing
her rage is not limitless (but it will feel like it for you)

however, the more you allow her to spill her rage, the sooner she will move on to the next phase

understand?

best of luck

Pep

Because you took the step and gave her d/d insteaad of her finding out, she will be less tolerent of you but later she will find out that you are both farther along in the healing process than most here.

Let her know, there are some in her shoes you have been talking with. In a place that is safe for her to share her feelings.

Right now, let her know that you will try to understand what she is going through because despite what has happened you love her and know the pain and guilt you must carry is yours not hers. Then let her know that the path communication between H & W needs to be healed together and that you will be reading and researching on the best way to help you both heal. If she says she does't need your help, let her and you go do your reading.

Call Steve H C @ MB for some personal counseling. Later you can bring Steve in for M counseling. He will give you a recovery plan. Personal recovery 1st and M 2nd.

Right now she needs to learn how to deal with her pain. Pray for her love to return and know it will take a long time. Possibly twice as long as the A the time time it took you to tell her. Yep, it will be a long recovery road but worth it because that's your family.

Be prepared for her to tell you to get the D. Just listen and go on doing your recovery. Know she will get very angry with you and want you to get angry in return so she can give you her pain. She doesn not want to carry her pain. You carry what you can, then the 2 of you can find closure together.

Will this end in a D? Could be. But not after you have given it your all. In the meantime, let her know we can be a support group also. If she wants A horror stories, we can tell her some real ones. Tell her there's one about a laundry bag, a walk on the beach, a domestic violence arrest, a call to 911, several false pregancies, accusations of having an A with FIL, being a lesbian, anbusive parent, ruining a business, etc..... oh yea...BTW, those are just some of my stories. Scary huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok, the point is show her this site and we will help.

Another point, for myself, our family is in recovery. So despite how d/d goes, recovery is possible. There are many of us who could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end. But that style may not suit your looks, so we will wait until you both come here and we share, help and cry together.

Your post brought a tear to my eye and I haven't I usually, don't cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

NOTE: Communicate by e-mail for now. It may hurt too much for her to hear your voice and let her know when she is ready, you would like very much to listen and speak with her.

take care,
L.

I am so proud to know that a wayward spouse can be man enough to tell the truth, and initiate the talk themselves. You are doing the right thing. In the end, your wife will appreciate this so much when she sees your sincerity in saving your marriage. You and your wife will be in my prayers.
God Bless.
KK

By the way, I had to dig and spy to find out the truth about my X. When we made an attempt at recovery, that, along with his other weaknesses, made it impossible to reconcile.
Follow Harley's plan, and you will succeed!!!!

46XY,

How'd things go this weekend?

Thanks for asking wtf. I think things went well. We did a lot of talking and crying. She had questions written down, and I answered all of them truthfully and to the best of my ability. We were both up at 4am this morning because we could not sleep (I was able to stay in the house Sat and Sun). She has a wide range of emotions right now from being sad to very angry. She let me hold her after talking this morning. We know we have a long road ahead of us, and she is willing to give it a try. I'm not holding my breath, but that's how we left it. She wants/needs to talk about this with one of her friends, but she doesn't want them to know. The visions of the affair keep coming back and that's difficult for her. She want's to blame herself for what happened, but I assured her that I was the one to blame, not her. She did not cheat, I did. We talked about counseling a little and where we need to go from here. I keep letting her know that I'll do whatever it takes for us to make it. I have also let her know about MB's website and what it has to offer. We talked about counseling via phone, but she thinks that it would seem impersonal. Any thoughs on that? Hopefully SAA and HNHN will arrive today.

Thanks again. 46xy

You might want to introduce her to this forum now

Pep

I second Pep!

I think that it would be a good idea to bring her here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

She will have a number of "sisters" to converse with here (BTDT). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your W's emotions will be all over the board for awhile. They may change almost minute to minute. Any number of things may trigger these swings. Try to watch for what they are. Even better would be to ask her what they are and try to protect her from them.

We tend to refer to this time as the "RollerCoaster". Sit down, strap in, & Hang On! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW: Excellent Job this weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have another question - related, but more on a legal note. I keep thinking that the OW, or OWH is going to want revenge. I'm trying not to be paranoid, but it keeps creeping in. I was thinking today, is there any grounds for a lawsuite from the OW or the OWH against me regarding the A? The A took place at the office, but after work hours. I work in one dept, she was a secretary for another dept for a private school. We live in a small town. They still have one teenager in school. Last May her position was cut (nothing to do with A, but I'm guessing she may think so - if that were the case, then I'm sure that I wouldn't be employed there anymore either.) She no longer works there. My wife and I have so much to work on, that I don't want anything to distract from that.

Any thoughts?
Suggestions?
Do I need to tell my employer about the situation?
Should I be looking for a different job?

Thanks again,

46xy

Yes, I agree, and I'm trying. Baby steps. She's not big into using computers or technology. She is more of a "hands-on" person who likes face to face conversation. So, we'll see. I am trying.

Thanks,
46xy

“I keep thinking that the OW, or OWH is going to want revenge. I'm trying not to be paranoid, but it keeps creeping in. I was thinking today, is there any grounds for a lawsuite from the OW or the OWH against me regarding the A? The A took place at the office, but after work hours. I work in one dept, she was a secretary for another dept for a private school. We live in a small town. They still have one teenager in school. Last May her position was cut (nothing to do with A, but I'm guessing she may think so - if that were the case, then I'm sure that I wouldn't be employed there anymore either.) She no longer works there. My wife and I have so much to work on, that I don't want anything to distract from that.

Any thoughts?
Suggestions?
Do I need to tell my employer about the situation?
Should I be looking for a different job?”


Oh, lots of thoughts, you can be sure of that.

46XY, in a genuinely just universe, OW’s BH would trap you in a dark ally every night for as long as your adultery lasted, plus a few additional times for good measure. You may want to pray he is a civilized and forgiving man. A real man.

And yes, in genuinely just universe, he should sue you six ways from Sunday even if he only suspects his WW was let go because of adultery with you. Would not matter if he wins or not. Pray some more, 46XY.

Ethically speaking, you should tell your employer about the situation. They could at least get their legal ducks in a row, just in case.

I think you should look for a different job. A long, long way away from OW.

Consequences bite, huh.

Pray he is a better man than the one who committed adultery with his wife.


BTW, re your user name - are you appealing to your genes?

ed: I mean, I hope you are not thinking the equivalent of chromosome 46 made me do it.

And age? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

46,XY is the chromosome make-up of a male, that's all. No hidden meaning - I'm a male. Female is: 46,XX.

My age - 40

I see your point Aphelion, and I know the horrible thing I did to my W. The OW is married also, and had an A with me, a married man. I'm not making excuses here, but we were both married, and made the same mistake, and both were wrong in what we did. I don't see why I should feel like I'm the only one to be blamed. I did not set out to have an A, it just happened, now I'm trying to heal the pain that I have caused my wife. I do pray everyday for foregiveness of my sins, guidence, healing, and thanks for getting a second chance with my wife.

What I was looking for from the ealier post regarding revenge, was that if anyone had similar experiences they could share, or if someone in the legal field could offer some advice.

Thanks.

From Penalty Kill

I have two things to say here: First, 46xy, of *course* your affair didn't "just happen". You obviously did things, or more likely a series of things, to make it happen. I am a FWW, so I know this. It's a series of bad choices....and they don't "just happen".

My advice would be forget about what OW's H will do to you. If you feel badly, apologize to him for your wrongs. But whatever you do, don't tell him that it "just happened".

Next, Aphelion. So often what you say resonates deeply with me - and I mean that in a good way. IMO, you missed the mark a bit with your last post to 46xy.

I don't think it would be a "just universe" if everyone was able to go around seeking revenge on those that have harmed them. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. 46xy's A partner was M'd. Should 46's wife be allowed to corner her in a dark alley? And what of the children, if any, of these couples? Now that someone has hurt their parents, should they, too, be allowed to seek retribution?

I understand what you're saying, but it's not justice. IMO, it's something less wholesome. Why not leave it to divine retribution?

Or perhaps I'm just missing your point? That's always a possibility.

You are very correct, it is a series of very bad choices. I would like to think that it "just happened", but I know it didn't.

Good Morning 46XY.

As for your question about revenge: OWH's is less likely to "seek" revenge the further out from his D-Day he becomes. If he was really going to act out against you / your family he would most likely have done this soon after his D-Day.

At this point I doubt that he is activly seeking "revenge". So I wouldn't be losing any sleep over this. On the other hand I wouldn't try steping back into the picture and reopening old wounds.

OWH is probably hoping that your "dead & buried" in the past. I suggest that you stay that way. Remember what I said about No Contact?

Penaltybox is quite right about it is not "Just" your W that was the injured party in this. Both Families / their extended families / and friends are injured by an A.

Do your best to heal all affected parties; but your #1 job right now is your W.

Stay Strong!

Hi WTF,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Not sure if I liked your choice of words "dead & buried", but I know what you're saying. Yes, I definately remember NO CONTACT.

You mention about not reopening old wounds, and I totally agree, I do NOT want to do that. But, I work in the same school that their teenage child goes to. That can't be good.

What are your thoughts on getting a different job, letting my empoyer know, things like that?

46XY

“I understand what you're saying, but it's not justice. IMO, it's something less wholesome. Why not leave it to divine retribution?

Or perhaps I'm just missing your point? That's always a possibility.”

I think perhaps I may have a different concept of justice. No, it’s not simply retribution. It’s more like receiving in full what you earn, with no interference from anyone.

The WS has earned serious and logical consequences. Why should he/she get to avoid them? Any of them whatsoever?

Perhaps there could be a genuine lesson to remember taught to the WH here, who knows. But this OW’s BH sounds like a better man than Mr. Male-Chromosome-Made-Me-Do-It, or I. I guess we will never know.

The BS can suffer serious stress related physical consequences, caused buy the WS, but heaven forbid any physical consequences upon a WS.

No serious consequences, especially nothing that actually hurts: the everlasting paean of the WS. Even after they get caught. Especially after they get caught.

Maybe I’m just having a bad couple of days, but I feel 46XY is getting off easy compared to the BH he cuckolded. Call it justice, call it revenge, call it whatever you want - IMO, there ought to be closely related consequences!

PS: In the interest of full disclosure, the OM from my W’s VLTA has suffered no consequences whatsoever. None. Neither has FWW actually. Only me.

46XY



Sorry! Couldn't resist that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />




Sorry to hear about that. I would HIGHLY recommend that you find a new position elsewhere. Even accidental contact is still contact and WILL hold everyone back.

One of the unfortunate consequences of a workplace A is that one HAS to leave. Usually both wind up leaving because things become "uncomfortable" for the one that remains. I have seen this play out many times through out the years.

As far as telling your employer, they had likely already suspected / known what was going on. I doubt this was the "cause" of your OW's dismissal but it would not have helped her cause if they had a need to "cut staffing".

Is the town that you live in small? Is there a good chance of running into each other often? If this is so it may be a good idea to relocate to where this is unlikly to happen.

Relocation / Job change are a few of the ways that you can protect your W. She may or may not want this. Her current support system will have a lot to do with this.

If you W doesn't want her friends to know and still needs someone to talk to about this let me know. I will see if Mrs. Field would like to talk to her on the phone.

Again it would be best if you could get your W to post here. There is much solid support / advise that she can receive here on MB.

Stay Strong!

From Penalty Kill

"PS: In the interest of full disclosure, the OM from my W’s VLTA has suffered no consequences whatsoever. None. Neither has FWW actually. Only me."

Aphelion, I read your post in Recovery. Perhaps the OM in your situation should start stocking up on Rogaine and Propecia.

Seriously, has your W suffered *no* consequences at all? Because I know that I have. Watching my H suffer at my own hand, knowing that most of the bad stuff in our lives over the last 15 months was due directly or indirectly to me...those are my consequences. And I am certain there are more to come. I'm resigned to it at this point. We make it through each day, but even on the best days there is a degree of....flatness.

My H said yesterday that he was glad that he had never shown his anger toward me. I was puzzled by that. He has gone on many long tirades that he admits are abusive and I have pages of his angry notes in my drawers. It turns out what he meant was that he had never hit me.

But he can see I suffer the consequences that I deserve.

I can't say about OM. I haven't spoken to him or seen him in years, which is the way I wanted it. My H feels much as you do though - that he's getting off scot-free, so I understand where you're coming from. That's a source of great frustration for him, and he thought very, very seriously about revenge/justice for a long time. I am sure that he still does. But I don't see any way for him to act without it bouncing back to our family like a errant boomerang.

46xy, I think it would be well worth exploring a job change, as WTF states. It would probably benefit both you and your W. You have a long road ahead of you, so removing some of the obstacles that are within your reach is a good idea.

OK, PK, all's cool.

I was reading this the other day:

King David's adultery (he also did it for "love") even though he repented, was punished thus:

"Now, therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah to be your wife.'

Thus says the Lord:

'I will bring evil upon you out of your own house.

I will take your wives while you live to see it, and will give them to your neighbor. He shall lie with your wives in broad daylight.

You have done this deed in secret, but I will bring it about in the presence of all Israel, and with the sun looking down.'" 2 Sam 10-12

Now them's consequences. Not to mention exposure.

With prayers,

You still out there 46XY?

Hi WTF - Yes I am, thanks for asking. Lots of anxiety. W and I have been doing lots of communicating. Mostly about the A, but also about a lot of other things as well. I've started reading SAA. We have also been spending more time together in the evenings, after the kids go to bed, and that is something that we really never used to do, so I think that is good. She has been having goods day, and not so good days. It's only been a week since dday.

PK wrote - "Seriously, has your W suffered *no* consequences at all? Because I know that I have. Watching my H suffer at my own hand, knowing that most of the bad stuff in our lives over the last 15 months was due directly or indirectly to me...those are my consequences."

I started replying the other day to Aphelion along these lines, but I did not post it. I can see his point. PK - thanks for the post. This is not an excuse, only the reality of it - has nothing to do with my genetic make-up.

The OW emailed me the other day. I did not reply back. She made some comments the sounded suicidal and desperate. I called her good friend, who knows the situation, to let her know that she emailed me and the contents of the email. I also let her friend know that she (OW) must never contact me again. She totally understood and was going to talk to her. In reading SAA, I now understand the addiction that goes on. Her email did state that it would be the last email ever. I told my W everything, and I also let the friend know that my W knows everything as well.

I'm starting my search for a different job. My W doesn't think that it's necessary, but I do.

46XY

46,
I am glad things are going in a positvie direction. have you suggested she come here?

46XY


This is very normal for all parties involved. You are only a week out from D-Day thus far. The anxiety levels will start to lower themselves soon. (and then go back up, and then down, and up and down, Remember the rollercoaster?)



Excellent work. Mrs. Field and I have a time set at the end of each day that is "US" time. Just Mrs. Field and I. The kids are put to bed and know not to disturb us.



That is the rollercoaster! It is a day to day thing. It will be for awhile. It will take her some time to ground herself after this. Be very patient and gentle with her.

Have you discovered any of her triggers yet?



Good! I am glad that you did not reply and that you contacted someone else to handle this. Now you need to block her email address so you never get an email from her again. Tell her good friend that you don't want to hear news about OW. This is important for everyones recovery! Don't try to follow OW's progress by "proxy". It will only retard everyone progress in this sitch.



Excellent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It is imperative that you become as transparent as possible. The trust that she previously had in you has been shattered. These small steps of open honesty will help her rebuild her trust.



Good luck with that!


Do you and Mrs. 46XY have any children? Do they know about this?


Stay Strong!

BTW: I'm not normally on the boards on the weekend. I'll catch up on your sitch on Monday!

Hi WTF - yes, we have 3 children. 13, 11, and 7. As far as we know, they do not know of our situation. At this point, we do not plan on telling them. Our plan is to do our best to recover our M.

46xy

46XY

How are things going for you & the Mrs?

I was just thinking about you.

Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance.

Hi WTF - Going as good as can be expected. The rollercoaster emotions that you and others haved talked about are in full swing. Tonight we are going out to dinner together. The older kids have plans, and the youngest is staying with Grandma while we are out. It will be good and long overdue. We have been doing a lot of reading and talking, but I have not been successful in getting her to this website. I think she will in time, but it will be on her terms, when she is ready. All I can say is that she is still here and still willing to work on our M, and I can not ask for anymore than that. I'm very thankful that I found this site, and the discussion board. It has explained a lot. I too have been going thru a range of emotions. The guilt, shame, the dark reality of what I did, and how much I hurt the person I love the most is overwhelming at times. What was I thinking???? It makes me wonder sometime if it will ever go away. I know it's nothing compared to what my W feels and has been going thru. I still remain optimistic about our future, and I keep letting her know that I will do whatever it takes, and for as long as it takes for us to recover. Right now it's one day at a time.

Thanks for checking in.

46xy

hello 46xy,
I'm glad you updated. If you think she would like to email me, I would be happy to do that. I am a BW, and can really relate with her.

It is so very hard to tell even your closest friends, but it does help to talk to someone who has walked where you are walking.

The rollercoaster is well on it's way. We were making progress, talking, discussing the A, reading SAA, and spending more time together. The other day she thought she "caught" me in a lie regarding the A, but it wasn't. I KNOW that I must tell the truth no matter what, and I have explained this to her. We have talked about so much, that some details may have been overlooked on her end. Now, she is very upset with me, and will not talk to me.
Is there a way I should handle this? I try to talk, but she does not want to.
Is is best to give her time and when she's ready to discuss it more, let her initiate the conversation?
I don't want to push her, but definately want to keep the communication going.
Advice please.

46XY

Good to hear from you!

What is going on is NORMAL. At this point your W is Hypervigilant and Hypersensitive to ANY percieved untruths. She will work through this!

You need to exercise patience and give her the time necessary to process / get through this. It is difficult but the best gift you can give right now is your patience.

She will will come to you when she is ready to talk some more.

Time, patience, understanding, and empathy are your best tools right now.

Stay Strong!

46XY,

Just Checking in.

How are things going with you and Mrs. 46XY?

Job Search?

No Contact?

Give us a shout when you're ready.

Stay Strong.

WTF,

Thanks for checking in. We are doing better. Still on the rollercoaster - some good days, and some not-so-good days. We are noticing the triggers, and I can tell when she has been "triggered" - no doubt about that. I give her time, then we talk about it. Sometimes this can be days, but usally after we talk about it, things are better for awhile. We are sill reading, and have filled out our EN worksheet. I'm going to start reading HNHN tonight, and we are also going to start walking together as much as we can. This will help us spend some more together, as well as some exercise and fresh air.

The job search is still on-going. I had a phone interview last week, but haven't heard back yet. So still looking.

No contact - that is correct, no contact.

She is still reluctant to come to MB's website, but I remain hopeful that she will when she wants to. She still asks questions about the A, and I answer them. Sometimes I think she over does it with the questions, and it causes her resentment, but I dont want to stop her from asking if she feels she needs to. I want her to know, thru my actions and not just words, that I do not want this to ever happen again and will take whatever steps necessary to prevent this from happening again (to either on of us).

We are early in our recovery, but when does the guilt, shame, and pain of the A start to decrease for a FWS? I know the pain is worse for her, more of a physical pain, and she thinks that it will never go away.

BTW, one year ago today is when I found out that the OW's H exposed the A to OW. I'm not sure what the means to me, but I'm feeling a little anxious today for some reason.

Thanks.

46XY, each BS recovers a little differently, but I have observed that those whose spouses who are very forthcoming and actively interested in their recovery, seem to recover much, much faster.

Just the fact that you volunteered the truth out of a sense of morality and a sincere interest in her well being contributes ENORMOUSLY to the restoration of trust in your marriage.

Your willingness to patiently answer each question openly and honestly will also be a huge help. She is asking you over and over again in order to test your veracity and ensure she fully understands the story. In order for her to MOVE ON, she has to fully understand the story. That is HOW SHE PROGRESSES through the stages of recovery. Her endless questions help her come to terms with all this and your willingness to answer ASSURES her that you love her.

Answering her questions does not cause resentment, but not answering them WOULD. It does make her MAD when she hears the truth, but that is ok. That is how she deals with this and gets through her recovery.

For me, it took about 12 months to not feel furious about the affair. The 8 month mark was the absolute worst time period for me because my relief wore off and fury set in. That was like my LAST GASP before I really started getting better. After that phase my thoughts were less and less frequent about the affair until they eventually went away.

I would expect that your W might get through this faster because of your approach. The differences between you and my H is that you VOLUNTEERED this information and you are giving her full and complete information. I had to find out ON MY OWN and had to drag each detail out myself, which caused huge crippling resentment that slowed our recovery.

You are doing great, and I applaud your efforts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ML,

Thanks for the advice and info.

As difficult as it's been, I have not had a problem with her questions, and I know it's a very important part of recovery. It's interesting, I'm finding out that by her asking questions about the A, it's also forcing me to think of why I did this. What problems existed, why I chose the path I did, why I would never choose it again, and what my W and I need to do to make this work, and make it better than it was before - hopefully. It's actually a way of self-reflection and healing. Through MB's site, these discussion boards, books, W's questions, and other things, I've discovered things about myself that need to change. Radical honesty being first, something that I have not been good at for most of my life. Turns out that I avoid confrontation a lot of the time, and a lot of the time I avoided confrontation by not being totally honest.

I'm also aware that there most likely will be a period of anger and resentment, like what you mentioned - usually around the 6-8 month mark. That's in the back of my mind.

The advice from you and others has been awesome, and I thank you for that.


46XY

Haven't heard from you in awhile 46XY.

How are you and Mrs. 46XY doing?

Any progress? Frustrations?

Let us know when you can!

Haven't heard from you in awhile 46XY.

How are you and Mrs. 46XY doing?

Job Search? How are your kids holding up?

Let us know when you can!

It's been almost a month since we've heard from you.

Just wanted to let you know that we're still thinking about you.

I hope that things are going well for you and Mrs. 46XY.

Good Luck with your recovery!

Hi WTF,

Thanks for asking. It's been a couple of weeks since I checked the discussion boards. Things have not changed much lately. If any, we have regressed some. I don't have time now, but fill you in more later today.

Thanks,

46xy

Once again, thanks for asking. Things have not changed much lately. If any, we have regressed some. I can't tell if we are on the down side of a roller coaster, or if she is going thru resentment and anger. For the last couple of weeks, she doesn't want anything to do with me, or even really talk to me. I've been trying, but's it's been very cold. I feel like I'm doing plan A or something. We have both filled out our EN's, and I'm almost finished with HNHN. She has finished reading SAA. One of her biggest issues, is how are we going to do all the things required, especially spending at least 15hrs/week together, when we have 3 very active kids. I see it as being a priority, but her priority's are more with the kids. So, I'm seeing that this is an issue, but trying to work thru it. This morning, she said that after the holidays she wants to pursue a divorce, but will be civil to me. She says that this is what I wanted anyway. Not the case, and I let her know that. I'm guessing that this is a way for her to test me and my willingness to stay. I want nothing more that to make a stronger marriage, but right now it's difficult to stay positive when she is angry and distant.
Update since I started writing this: She called a bit ago to see if I wanted to go with her for lunch today – of course I enthusiastically said yes. At lunch she said, for the record she does not want a D, but thinks I have given up and not trying anymore. I told her that this is not the case and that it's been difficult to talk to her when there is very little response . She said that I know her, and I should be able to figure out what I should do. We talked about that a little bit, but I'm still not sure what that means. All in all, it was a good lunch, and we did a good deal a “real” talking in the short half hour. I think we were both left with a better feeling about the situation. She hates feeling like this, and still can not figure out how she is going to get past it all. I said, that time will help, but more importantly we also have to do the things that we have been reading about. We have to do the work.

I'm still looking for a different job, but have not found anything as of yet.

Is it possible to be in the resentment and anger stage so early in our recovery, or is this part of the roller coaster of emotions?

What can I do to help her get thru the anger and resentment and the emotional roller coaster?

The holidays will be difficult for her, she has all ready mentioned this. Is there anything I can do to help her out with this?

Thanks,

46XY

46xy,
Do you think your wife would email me? I am a BW. My husband and I are doing great in recovery. I know how it is not to want to talk to someone you know in person. I would be happy to post my email for her to email me. She and I are similar ages, length of marriage, etc. Maybe just talking to someone who has walked where she has walked will be an asset to her.

From my experience. Tell her what you have done but do NOT go into details. Details doesn't matter. If you tell her the details, that will only make her mind wonder in the future. It will hurt her even more. No matter what song she hears, what she sees on TV etc, it will remind her.

RussMan, I realize you are fairly new here, but you are way off base here. Details do matter to a lot of people. If they do not get the details they need, they do not get into recovery.

Then say oh 6 months or a year or longer something comes up, slips out, gets told, etc.. the betrayed spouse starts recovery all over again.

Now you personally might not need any details, but that does not seem to be the norm. It also migt be burrying your head in the sand.

46xy did a good job in answering everything she has asked him.

Hi Russman,

My W is the kind of person that needed the details - all of them. Shortly after dday, should would have a list(s) of questions, and most were about the details. She wanted to know everything. I answered her questions honestly and openly. It was very, very difficult, (for both of us) but I knew that if I held back, it would only be creating more dishonesty. As difficult as it was, she told me she did appreciate my openness about the details. I'm not sure how that will effect things in the future, but holding back and not answering her questions openly then would have surely created and environment that would have made it nearly impossible for us to start recovery.

From what Harley says, everyones need for details is different. Some need the details, while others do not. In my case, she did. I would have prefered that she didn't, but that wasn't my call to make.

Thanks,

46XY

Thanks Moveforward,

I'll check with her on that. She has not been to open to emailing anyone at this point, but I will certainly let her know.

I'll let you know. I appreciate it.

Thanks,

46XY

46xy,
I admire your honesty with her. Yes, it will make a difference in the long run.

If she is uncomfortable emailing ask her to read and post here. Suggest she start her on thread you will respect her by not reading it.

46xy~

I am the BS also, and we're just a little ahead of you in recovery. I would also be happy to email your wife, or post here what's going on with me.

I was just recently, and still am in some ways, TOTALLY in the angry/pissed off/don't touch me/you disgust me/i-can't-believe-you-did-this phase.

Thankfully, my H just FINALLY, 6 months after dday, has started to come around. This is huge in helping with the anger. It's not gone, no way, not yet, but his reactions now are helping tremendously. It sounds like you might already be there, I don't know. But I can also share with YOU what is helpful and not helpful during this stage, if you'd like...just let me know, 'k?


We're going out of town today, so not sure when I'll get to it, but I will as soon as I can.

~MF

Oh, my email is marriedforever2006@yahoo.com

You guys are right. I guess some people need the details. Me I want to know but then again I don't. Details stick in my mind and can't let them go. Glad to see you were open and honest. That is the best thing to do. Now your relationship can be on a solid foundation and you don't have to worry about anything. Good luck.

46XY,

Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you and Mrs. 46XY doing?

How did / are the holidays going for you?

We all understand how "ackward" the holidays can be after this type of revelation.

Stay Strong!

Hi WTF,

We are doing OK. We are still having our ups & downs, but working thru them. She is angry at times, very angry, and when we she will let me, we talk about it and I reassure her as much as I can. It didn't help matters that I rec'd and email from the OW last week. She wanted to let me know she got a new job and to wish me a “very” Merry Christmas. I shared the email with my wife, and she was NOT happy about it to say the least. Here is the email:

Hello,

I wanted to let you know that I just accepted a position in the ***ology dept. at *SU.
I start on Jan. 9th.
The ironic thing is that one of the professors that I will be working for has the name of Dr.
*** *******. I guess i won't forget his name.
I thought you should know. Hope everything is well.
Have a very Merry Christmas
*****

My W and I discussed the email after she calmed down, and decided that we should ignore it and not respond back at all. That was our mutual decision. The reason why I think she sent it, was because she wanted me to know where she is working now so I do not apply for a job there. That is what I got out of it. My wife got totally something else – that she is flirting with me. Like I said, I did not respond, and will not. I'm not sure why she needed to let me know this, or why she included the additional text about the Dr.'s name (similar to mine), but I wish she would have never sent it. I'm guessing she doesn't realize that I'm sharing her email with my W. I wonder if her H knows she sent it?

What do you think of her email?

Thanks,

46XY

I think its to lure you back into contact.

And I think the opposite of you -- that she would WANT you to get a job there -- so she's letting you know where she is.

The best response would have been to email her back (jointly with your wife with both names signed) requesting that she stop contacting you...and copy her husband on it.
That would stop her.

Great job on letting your wife know this happened!

I agree completely with Lexxxy - on all counts.

Your wife still not interested in coming here?

46XY

I have to agree with Lexxy and MF.

Do you know how do set up filters on you email so you need never see the email she sends you? I would highly recommend setting up that filter or changing your email address.

These intermittant attempts at contact will continue to be a major trigger for your W. You will need to implement extraordinary measures to prevent this from happening. Email filtering is a good step toward that.

I'm glad that the Holidays went OK. New Year / New hope for improving your M.

Stay Strong!

Can't you set it up to block emails from her? If you have yahoo or hotmail I am sure you can. Do that today.

46xy:

I have read your post. I am a wife who found out that my husband had been having an affair for six months. I found out six weeks ago. Like your wife I was in total shock and disbelief...I did not have a clue. We have been married almost twenty years and I trusted him completly.

My husbands confession sent me in to a depression I did not know could exisist. I physically could not move and emotionally it took all I had to make it through the first two weeks. Then I found this site....and it has truly been a blessing for me.

I want to give you and your wife some hope We started counseling immediatly and the first three or four sessions were difficult for us both...I could not stop crying and he did not know what to do or say...except how sorry he was. I realize my husband did not set out to hurt me, I do not believe he planned this. We both read the book His Needs Her Needs and it has also been very helpful.

I have been feeling much better the last two weeks and things do seem to be going much better. I do not know how long it will take me to trust him again or if I really ever can but I do love him and have been working very hard on myself and with him to try to sort this all out.

I wish you and your wife the very best of luck you will be in my prayers. I am still very new in this tunnel and still really do not see true light but with the grace of God hopefully we will continue through this tunnel and come out stronger.