It's been almost a month since we've heard from you.

Just wanted to let you know that we're still thinking about you.

I hope that things are going well for you and Mrs. 46XY.

Good Luck with your recovery!

Hi WTF,

Thanks for asking. It's been a couple of weeks since I checked the discussion boards. Things have not changed much lately. If any, we have regressed some. I don't have time now, but fill you in more later today.

Thanks,

46xy

Once again, thanks for asking. Things have not changed much lately. If any, we have regressed some. I can't tell if we are on the down side of a roller coaster, or if she is going thru resentment and anger. For the last couple of weeks, she doesn't want anything to do with me, or even really talk to me. I've been trying, but's it's been very cold. I feel like I'm doing plan A or something. We have both filled out our EN's, and I'm almost finished with HNHN. She has finished reading SAA. One of her biggest issues, is how are we going to do all the things required, especially spending at least 15hrs/week together, when we have 3 very active kids. I see it as being a priority, but her priority's are more with the kids. So, I'm seeing that this is an issue, but trying to work thru it. This morning, she said that after the holidays she wants to pursue a divorce, but will be civil to me. She says that this is what I wanted anyway. Not the case, and I let her know that. I'm guessing that this is a way for her to test me and my willingness to stay. I want nothing more that to make a stronger marriage, but right now it's difficult to stay positive when she is angry and distant.
Update since I started writing this: She called a bit ago to see if I wanted to go with her for lunch today – of course I enthusiastically said yes. At lunch she said, for the record she does not want a D, but thinks I have given up and not trying anymore. I told her that this is not the case and that it's been difficult to talk to her when there is very little response . She said that I know her, and I should be able to figure out what I should do. We talked about that a little bit, but I'm still not sure what that means. All in all, it was a good lunch, and we did a good deal a “real” talking in the short half hour. I think we were both left with a better feeling about the situation. She hates feeling like this, and still can not figure out how she is going to get past it all. I said, that time will help, but more importantly we also have to do the things that we have been reading about. We have to do the work.

I'm still looking for a different job, but have not found anything as of yet.

Is it possible to be in the resentment and anger stage so early in our recovery, or is this part of the roller coaster of emotions?

What can I do to help her get thru the anger and resentment and the emotional roller coaster?

The holidays will be difficult for her, she has all ready mentioned this. Is there anything I can do to help her out with this?

Thanks,

46XY

46xy,
Do you think your wife would email me? I am a BW. My husband and I are doing great in recovery. I know how it is not to want to talk to someone you know in person. I would be happy to post my email for her to email me. She and I are similar ages, length of marriage, etc. Maybe just talking to someone who has walked where she has walked will be an asset to her.

From my experience. Tell her what you have done but do NOT go into details. Details doesn't matter. If you tell her the details, that will only make her mind wonder in the future. It will hurt her even more. No matter what song she hears, what she sees on TV etc, it will remind her.

RussMan, I realize you are fairly new here, but you are way off base here. Details do matter to a lot of people. If they do not get the details they need, they do not get into recovery.

Then say oh 6 months or a year or longer something comes up, slips out, gets told, etc.. the betrayed spouse starts recovery all over again.

Now you personally might not need any details, but that does not seem to be the norm. It also migt be burrying your head in the sand.

46xy did a good job in answering everything she has asked him.

Hi Russman,

My W is the kind of person that needed the details - all of them. Shortly after dday, should would have a list(s) of questions, and most were about the details. She wanted to know everything. I answered her questions honestly and openly. It was very, very difficult, (for both of us) but I knew that if I held back, it would only be creating more dishonesty. As difficult as it was, she told me she did appreciate my openness about the details. I'm not sure how that will effect things in the future, but holding back and not answering her questions openly then would have surely created and environment that would have made it nearly impossible for us to start recovery.

From what Harley says, everyones need for details is different. Some need the details, while others do not. In my case, she did. I would have prefered that she didn't, but that wasn't my call to make.

Thanks,

46XY

Thanks Moveforward,

I'll check with her on that. She has not been to open to emailing anyone at this point, but I will certainly let her know.

I'll let you know. I appreciate it.

Thanks,

46XY

46xy,
I admire your honesty with her. Yes, it will make a difference in the long run.

If she is uncomfortable emailing ask her to read and post here. Suggest she start her on thread you will respect her by not reading it.

46xy~

I am the BS also, and we're just a little ahead of you in recovery. I would also be happy to email your wife, or post here what's going on with me.

I was just recently, and still am in some ways, TOTALLY in the angry/pissed off/don't touch me/you disgust me/i-can't-believe-you-did-this phase.

Thankfully, my H just FINALLY, 6 months after dday, has started to come around. This is huge in helping with the anger. It's not gone, no way, not yet, but his reactions now are helping tremendously. It sounds like you might already be there, I don't know. But I can also share with YOU what is helpful and not helpful during this stage, if you'd like...just let me know, 'k?


We're going out of town today, so not sure when I'll get to it, but I will as soon as I can.

~MF

Oh, my email is marriedforever2006@yahoo.com

You guys are right. I guess some people need the details. Me I want to know but then again I don't. Details stick in my mind and can't let them go. Glad to see you were open and honest. That is the best thing to do. Now your relationship can be on a solid foundation and you don't have to worry about anything. Good luck.

46XY,

Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you and Mrs. 46XY doing?

How did / are the holidays going for you?

We all understand how "ackward" the holidays can be after this type of revelation.

Stay Strong!

Hi WTF,

We are doing OK. We are still having our ups & downs, but working thru them. She is angry at times, very angry, and when we she will let me, we talk about it and I reassure her as much as I can. It didn't help matters that I rec'd and email from the OW last week. She wanted to let me know she got a new job and to wish me a “very” Merry Christmas. I shared the email with my wife, and she was NOT happy about it to say the least. Here is the email:

Hello,

I wanted to let you know that I just accepted a position in the ***ology dept. at *SU.
I start on Jan. 9th.
The ironic thing is that one of the professors that I will be working for has the name of Dr.
*** *******. I guess i won't forget his name.
I thought you should know. Hope everything is well.
Have a very Merry Christmas
*****

My W and I discussed the email after she calmed down, and decided that we should ignore it and not respond back at all. That was our mutual decision. The reason why I think she sent it, was because she wanted me to know where she is working now so I do not apply for a job there. That is what I got out of it. My wife got totally something else – that she is flirting with me. Like I said, I did not respond, and will not. I'm not sure why she needed to let me know this, or why she included the additional text about the Dr.'s name (similar to mine), but I wish she would have never sent it. I'm guessing she doesn't realize that I'm sharing her email with my W. I wonder if her H knows she sent it?

What do you think of her email?

Thanks,

46XY

I think its to lure you back into contact.

And I think the opposite of you -- that she would WANT you to get a job there -- so she's letting you know where she is.

The best response would have been to email her back (jointly with your wife with both names signed) requesting that she stop contacting you...and copy her husband on it.
That would stop her.

Great job on letting your wife know this happened!

I agree completely with Lexxxy - on all counts.

Your wife still not interested in coming here?

46XY

I have to agree with Lexxy and MF.

Do you know how do set up filters on you email so you need never see the email she sends you? I would highly recommend setting up that filter or changing your email address.

These intermittant attempts at contact will continue to be a major trigger for your W. You will need to implement extraordinary measures to prevent this from happening. Email filtering is a good step toward that.

I'm glad that the Holidays went OK. New Year / New hope for improving your M.

Stay Strong!

Can't you set it up to block emails from her? If you have yahoo or hotmail I am sure you can. Do that today.

46xy:

I have read your post. I am a wife who found out that my husband had been having an affair for six months. I found out six weeks ago. Like your wife I was in total shock and disbelief...I did not have a clue. We have been married almost twenty years and I trusted him completly.

My husbands confession sent me in to a depression I did not know could exisist. I physically could not move and emotionally it took all I had to make it through the first two weeks. Then I found this site....and it has truly been a blessing for me.

I want to give you and your wife some hope We started counseling immediatly and the first three or four sessions were difficult for us both...I could not stop crying and he did not know what to do or say...except how sorry he was. I realize my husband did not set out to hurt me, I do not believe he planned this. We both read the book His Needs Her Needs and it has also been very helpful.

I have been feeling much better the last two weeks and things do seem to be going much better. I do not know how long it will take me to trust him again or if I really ever can but I do love him and have been working very hard on myself and with him to try to sort this all out.

I wish you and your wife the very best of luck you will be in my prayers. I am still very new in this tunnel and still really do not see true light but with the grace of God hopefully we will continue through this tunnel and come out stronger.